Just now that I am working with the point of wanting to control my reality – basically a pattern that my father embodies to an excessive obsession of wanting everything to be in a certain order and in a certain way for him to be able to continue doing the rest of what needs to be done – if there are things out of place, if people would come by to the house without him necessarily wanting them to be there, he mostly suppresses the point yet he’s actually annoyed by the whole thing of a ‘disaster’ a ‘disarangement’ going on in the orderly-perfect world he creates. And people, here I am speaking as myself not really as my father as we know as this is how I have memories of my father yet I see I am living exactly the same pattern, it completely takes me over – or I accept and allow myself to be taken for a ride – by these thoughts of seeing people in the house as I arrive, people that are not from this house, friends of the people that live here and using the kitchen and the areas here – I get annoyed/bother/pissed off as my orderly-perfect world where everything is set and placed the way I want it to be makes me ‘feel alright’ and it gives me a sense of comfort and a sense of feeling cozy when everything is looking the way I want it to be – in essence being controlled by the pictures I see which give me a sense of stability and comfort when it is all looking clean and Is clean, and tidy, and everything’s in place and everyone’s in their rooms no noises around, no music going on, no laughter, no smell of alcohol… thus all of the above when it is actually present in my reality, I go into a reaction, I immediately load the ‘discomfort’ program, I get annoyed, bothered, irritated, I get bitter and I experience an immediate tightness in my body, a discomfort, I stop being here as breath and I load the program of being annoyed, wanting the beings to just leave the house, to leave everything and clean up everything because ‘I can’t stand their presence’ which is in fact not about them at all but about myself, about my underlying control patterns of wanting everything to be the way I want it to be, and thus when people go out of these patterns, I react – and as I’ve mentioned this points to my house mates, the idea I’ve created is that they want me to ‘slow down’ and ‘take it easy’ just so that they can continue bringing their friends over – seriously bringing people everyday isn’t the best deal either no matter how much I am here and stable – it’s still not ok to be having guests everyday to sleep over without them cooperating with the entire household or paying for the rent.
Anyways, as I was here just checking the whole internet thing after arriving from school – you know today is the longest day, from 1 pm to 10 pm so I come home and see people and immediately go into reaction –less though but still there – and there’s a paranoia within me ‘have they messed up the toilet’, ‘are they using MY things’, ‘how long are they going to be here’, ‘are they going to stay over’, ‘I want them to leave now’ – and so my body goes into this overall tension which is then the single point I project to these beings as ‘not liking them’ but in essence is not about the beings themselves, it’s about my resonant pattern just kicking in and finding a point to take on to ‘latch on’ to create the entire controlling experience.
A pain emerged and I had associated it with the following points explained to Catherine her Structural Resonance Alignment Research Desteni Catherine or her tree of life as they were called back then, and I noticed how I have the exact same pain in such spots, the exact same tightness is there in the kidneys and on the base of the neck and this perfect-order that’s described I can also relate completely to it, wanting everything to be a certain way, to keep my structure in a certain way but it is mostly then disturbed when beings are in this house and they simply are being here and expressing themselves and talking and laughing and that single point is like I link it to ‘party’ then to ‘alcohol’ then to ‘insolent people’ then to ‘abuse’ then to ‘mess’ and ‘dirtyness’ and then to ‘barf’ and then to a sense of disgust which ends up in hatred towards beings that exist as this chain of experiences within themselves.
I have obviously noticed for some time how I go into an overall tenseness when being around these beings like literally my entire body just stiffens and there’s a tightness in all my muscles and I see my moves being controlled, the moment I speak my voice is robotic, I am Not here breathing as Self and this is something that happens specifically when I am around people that I ‘dislike’ because they come to ‘disrupt my space’ and thus ‘they are not welcome’ and thus I create myself as an entire barrier as to lock-out these beings from having any ability to communicate with me.
So, I see that it is yet again a very old pattern wherein I’ve wanted to change the people I have to deal with, I’ve encountered or more like created of certain beings as those ‘unbearable points’ in my reality, people that ‘trigger’ these inner experiences within me without having an answer as to ‘why’ it does happen yet then realizing it’s not about ‘them’, it’s not about finding an Answer as to why I experience myself around them in such way, but instead, realizing that am the one that is simply allowing the thoughts to create such experience wtihin myself, it’s not about ‘them’ at all. And thus, once again, Self Responsibility implies that I must stop participating within these set of thoughts that I allow to’ ‘kick in’ the moment I see strangers in the house or the same people that are almost like ‘living here’ yet not paying for anything here –and thus seeing myself as having the right to be/become angry at them – it’s fucking ludicrous man yet, it’s how it is and this is why it must stop.
I see myself in that desire for perfection as the order in the images, and that creates an inner contraction, a complete stiffness that I place myself as, which is an indication of not being breathing but giving more value to the thoughts and experience which only then leads to me feeling the pains of this controlling system. I simply have to learn how to let go, to breath, to be here, and to relax, to get loose, to let the point just go through breathing, to not fueling these thoughts to remain in such form of self control – as if I see the things as they are, these people are not really invading my room or my space here, it’s not about ‘them’ or about all the judgments I’ve created about them, but about myself, about forgiving myself for I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive myself to dislike these beings, to loathe them being here, to be annoyed by their presence and projecting it on to them without seeing and realizing that this is actually Me-myself being annoyed by my own mind-creation as the experience that is generated as disliking people, then going into anger, bitterness, rejection that is all done on to me, creating an experience for myself that won’t change the entire situation – unless it’s about something that I can later on discuss to create an awareness of – such as cleaning, considering not making much noise, tasks, responsibilities, consideration for others in general, etc – thus I have to also walk my point in becoming more flexible within this and to not accept and allow ourselves to be such a control freak – lol – literally Otherwise I won’t live but always try and keep things a certain way so that I can keep defining myself as this point of ‘being right’ about wanting things to be and exist the way I want them to be – once again the father image comes up. And I realized how I – as a child- would observe my father’s every move, his entire routine that couldn’t go wrong or be out in place for one single day because otherwise he’d go into a general distress, anger or irritation that I would then react in fear of him becoming really angry as then I would go into an entire tension within my entire body – similar to the tension I feel when I experience my points being triggered by ‘others’ which is simply me now acting in both ways, the desire to keep things in place and the point of going into this stiffness, this control, this reaction as a paralyzing effect when playing out that pattern. Fucked up but I’m here to stop it and actually take self responsibility for this.
The point is to get to be HERE and stopping participation from ALL reactions upon seeing people here – breathing through it, making sure I am here, supporting myself and unless they actually do create any havoc that affect myself and others, I have no right or say within it as these guys have the entire right to bring people over – obviously not on a daily basis but I have to remain here to not react at all when hearing them speaking, laughing, using the dishes, going to the toilett as I react to all of these little noises and details that end up trapping me up there in the mind and thus simply wanting to go and remind them to just ‘leave’ because they don’t live here. So, this is something that I am here determined to stop as I can’t just go running away from people just because ‘they disturb me’ – there’s obviously a limit for it all and it’s also clear than when the line is crossed then I do act and speak out, but as I see it right now in common sense, they are not even making that much noise though their mere ‘presence’ in the kitchen made me react so I had to take on this point once again though this time I see it with more clarity and the pain that I experience in the inside of my elbow reminded me of the tree of life interview from Catherine and so as I watched the interview, realized my points and so I am here to STOP.
okay I breathe and let go
In the middle of the day I was actually able to have a conversation with some of my house mates – one of the couples I’d say and for a moment just let go of all the distress created around the cleaning point – in fact lol I saw that they kind of dropped something and thus some liquid was washed away by both of them from the kitchen floor and sink which is already an indication that they wouldn’t just ‘leave it as it is’ and in fact they have been more careful with the dishwashing and doing it and in a sense that’s working – the only point now that bothered me was the drinking of alcohol, the smell of it, the mess created by mostly the males that visit one of the guys that live here so within that I can only ask for consideration and that’s it – I realize that theese are the type of things I have to deal with when living with others – fascinating I wrote ‘leaving’ which is a thought that comes up at times when I go into an enhanced reaction to events going on here – but there are more pros than cons to be here so, man. I won’t simply give up on this as easily – unless it becomes something completely and absolutely unbearable and that I make sure that it isn’t simply a self-projection point wherein I am projecting my own reactions and control points, I will remain here. I cannot keep harming myself with reacting in this stiffness and control wherein my whole body goes into a type of shock as the mind possession kicks in. Pff not cool – same with lots of sugar- I am noticing it more and more. today I drank one of my perceived ‘favorite flavored water’ – this is now after two days of having experienced the same with this water that is mostly containing lots of sugar and how I go into this uncomfortable rush, it’s not cool, it’s like being high on drugs – so, I’ll reduce or cut that habit of drinking such water – right now the effects of food within my body are more noticeable than before – the rush created by sugar at a physical level, the heavyness or discomfort of some other meals, the irritation of my body when not eating at the established times – I am definitely more aware of that and so here I state that I will stop wanting to satisfy my idea of fulfillment through sugar or anything else and start supporting myself for real, taking care of myself, eating more neutral foods, or ‘plain foods’ with not so much ‘going on’ specially with sugar which is a point that – as I had explained before – I wasn’t taking on because I knew that the moment I take this on, it will be an actual challenge – though it’s cool that at this moment it is mostly to not create unnecessary sugar-intake or binges as I used to, but to be modearte within it. There’s sugar in meals, fruits and everything that we eat, so it’s just about watching out how the body experiences itself with or without it – then supporting ourselves to change this point and that’s it – nothing else.
Okay, long post but required to sort these points out – I can see this is a point for me to walk on to let go of control and to simply remain in common sense – not creating unnecessary reactions and control points is vital here. This is one point I am taking on as I have lived as this for so long and people that have lived with me – all of them – have realized this within me, so it’s about time to stop keeping myself in this mode, to learn how to breathe and let go and to live these words that I myself have suggested towards my father when seeing him be all tense about something. Tension, stress, control, obsession are points to stop in relation to my reality, my immediate environment specifically with regards to the presence of others that aren’t ‘part of my world’ lol that would mean everyone really.
That’s the basic outline of this point – some self forgiveness on this point that I began writing before the actual writing.
As I was writing this I simply looked at the clock and thought that I wanted to sleep just now like ‘leaving it up for later and going to sleep’ which I won’t do as I realize this is then the actual point we’re looking at here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in annoyance when seeing there is strangers in the house
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to immediately go into anger when seeing strangers in the house
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to kick the strangers out of the house because I don’t want them to be using the space in the house
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel annoyed/bothered/disturbed by people being in the house
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being seen as a freak by people reading this -lol
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want people to not make any noise and not disturbe me at all with their presence when in fact it is all about ME –myself
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be annoyed by the presence of others that aren’t living in this house
Now re-directing this as an entire SELF support point as I can see this is strictly bound to and directly related to my own experience, my individual experience.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others for the experience I am creating for myself as my thoughts.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be manipulated by my own self-control in wanting things to be and exist the way I want them to be without realizing that no man’s an island and thus seeing that I cannot go controlling people so that they can exist the way I want them to be like/exist as when being in any type of direct-relationship with myself as part of my world in any way.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to a personality point as control, as wanting to impose my righteousness on to others and within this, creating an inner friction as reactions as ‘freaking out’ when things are ‘out of place/ out of order’ from my preferred ways of existing.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a resistance towards people based on how I have categorized them as ‘trigger points’ for my own patterns and self-experience without realizing it’s not about the people themselves, but about myself only identifying points that the mind can use to justify the creation of an experience as discomfort, as rejection, as irritation, as anger as part of the entire point of reacting when things are not ‘under my control’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself and my reality to have everything be and exist within a preferred order wherein I am not disturbed when in fact I am not seeing and realizing that I am the only one creating these standards for myself. These are my own patterns, my own creations that I now take self responsibility to fully stop, to no longer support the train of thought that leads to the same inner experience as irritation, anger, discomfort and physical stiffness triggered by the presence of others which are only symbols that stand as that ‘disruption of my control ‘ which I then can see it’s actually cool support for me to face and see where I am still reacting within it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be mind possessed within a single point of ‘orderly control’ wherein I react in a general stiffness and bitterness and anger the moment my ‘orderly control’ is disrupted – I am here to stop being the point of possession as that ‘orderly control’ and I effectively support me here to exist as Breath here, to let go of the point of control through breathing, through stopping thoughts that lead to anger and sometimes even rage towards people when I ‘see them’ as the cause of my bitterness without realizing, it is me and only me doing this to myself.
Okay this makes more sense that previous attempts of taking this on.
That’s it for now –