It’s been a day of seeing Food Crisis news everywhere – so had to expose it for what it is and I hadn’t actually shared to what extent I am always aware of money in my every day living.
See, I have this inherent state of ‘saving money’ of not wanting to spend too much, of saving the most I can, it’s a constant and continuous survival mode that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as.
Growing up I had all of what I required and sometimes a lot more than that – I developed this belittling towards myself in relation to money as my father always makes sure I have enough money and is always giving me money whenever he can like lol I remember this time I was on the webcam talking to someone and he was just passing by and his hand leaving some coins next to my hand and the mouse were able to be seen by the person I was talking to so, lol it was awkward but that’s how it is – and within this because of him giving me the money to live I am still bound to my family because of money and that single point makes me obviously dependent on them to live. Thus, I see and realize to what extent I am restricting myself from using that money, saving it up for further plans and literally having this constant limitation like whenever I see buying food I am making sure I do not exceed the standard – I make my meals which is then cheaper at times, I do not buy unnecessary shit at all – I really keep myself to the line – yet I am going a bit too further into not allowing myself to enjoy buying coffee somewhere else or that type of stuff as I immediately link it to ‘wasting money’, ‘spending money unnecessarily’ and so it is a constant limitation that is then linked to and bound to seeing how people have to strive for a living thus me equalizing myself in a certain way by limiting myself within that even though I have enough money to live well.
One point that I’ve learned and realized within walking this process and that certainly has become the point to embrace as myself is the entire money point. I would restrict myself to even talk about it because I would be simply raging against it yet never actually understanding how I exist as the product of the current money system which is what we are currently able to understand within our process of realizing how we have created this entire system as the money system and how we have to take self responsibility for it. Then we can see how it is that us limiting ourselves is existing as that point of self-limitation that we’ve created as the money system. So, if I translate this to let’s say an ‘emotion’ as in participating in ‘sadness’ wherein I would not be supporting this world by becoming ‘equally sad to all and everyone that is sad’ as that is obviously not the solution, it is to stop and look at how it is that such experience is self-created as the participation within the same bounds and limitations of the system in this case of an emotion/feeling system. Back to ‘Money’ we can see how restricting myself at a thought level is becoming equal to self-limitation as the money system.
So, here it is to not now go and squander money, no. It is simply to stop the ‘police man in the head’ as to dictating me that I cannot spend that much money here and there and simply assess the point in common sense. It is not about buying useless expensive shit now, it is about who I am within spending money, within letting go of money when I require to buy something. I must say that point is ‘better’ than before, before I would be considered as how do you call that when you don’t like to spend any money at all? well I’d say is a form of greed as one simple seeks to ‘save money’ and ‘have a lot of money’ so, it’s a parental thing that I’ve acquired and walked as myself but in fact, I realize that this does keep me in a certain incertitude which isn’t allowing me to simply give money and get goods and not add any extra-layer of worry and concern as that doesn’t solve any problem at all! it’s only me judging myself for using money, for spending money for what it is! I buy food, I buy goods I require for living at the moment – I buy materials for school, I pay rent, pay gas, pay trash services, pay transportation when I do use that – it is actually quite a moderated and fair money-spending move YET the self-limiting thoughts are still running in the background.
This is then the point that must stop, because as long as I exist in self limitation, I am not Equal to the entire system, I am still judging it and judging myself for using money which is bs because we use it anyways – even people that claim not to be using money, the fact that they live in this world makes them equally participating in the entire world system. This is thus the reason why we must understand how everything’s been created as and through MONEY it’s like the wiring system that keeps energy going on this world.
So, we have to create a network of such wiring as available for all equally – me worrying about me surviving makes NO difference in this world –common sense yet I allowed the thoughts so
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for how I use money
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in a point of Self Limitation within and as money as a point of self definition in relation to family values and education that I have continued without realizing that it is creating no solution but actually only perpetuating a self-limitation point in relation to how I live life through and as money.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from everyone that is currently living under poverty line and believing that ‘I am not in their shoes’ while in fact, we are all as one here and We ARE the people that have no food to eat at this moment and thus we that have the opportunity to have food on our table, to have a table and have a roof on top of us to expose this limitation that we’re accepting and allowing as that point of SELF limitation as the current money system.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from money and seeing it as an ‘outside point’ wherein I’ve tagged it as ‘evil’ due to always judging me for giving a piece of paper for food.
lol this reminds me of the thoughts I had when I was a little girl wherein I’d play with my father’s bank-notes and fake bills as I wanted to be an accountant back then – I used to play with ‘adding up’ money and creating bank-cheques and all of that and I would wonder what made my numbers an ‘money’ different to the ‘real’ one as they were both numbers and paper money – lol, that was the common sense of a 5 year old enjoying the carbon copy of the bank-deposit papers and playing daddy’s accountant.
So, I’ll keep track on this point because that limitation has become me, it’s an automated thought-pattern that I allow within me for no actual reason but as a form of apparently having ‘compassion’ for those that have no money. So, that’s self-pity move and it’s not acceptable.
I am here and I am working towards an equal Money System as I realize within me that I do not accept and allow self limitation as myself and within this, I take Self Responsibility to bring about a change in this world, until it is done.