A cool point that I’ve noticed within my interaction with people mostly at school and specifically at workshops is how I have created this ‘get along’ personality wherein I’ve caught myself more than once wanting to break a point of silence when being around another person with opening a communication channel through a joke, a comment on the weather, a question about their work or what they’re doing etc. Now, this is not about now me becoming a complete mummy that doesn’t interact with others, it’s all about observing the starting point of my interaction.
There’s a definitive distinction between speaking from a pre-meditated way as a reaction/consequence of me for example feeling an ‘awkward silence’ or ‘wanting to break the ice’ with someone as I am the one that experiences that ‘uncomfortable barrier’ when being near or around others for example being at the terrace of the workshop with our plates inside the acid and we’re just there around the plants and all and I saw myself like ‘wanting to speak’ because of this point of ‘feeling awkward’ for not interacting with the girl that was equally working there and we were both ‘alone’ there – so, I decided not to speak because the starting point was simply to ‘break that ice’ and create a point of communication that had been THOUGHT before instead of it being an actual point of self-expression in the moment.
I’ve seen similar points/cases going around in similar situations when being around others and I’ve been taking on that as a way of stopping myself and realizing that I can simply keep doing hat I’m doing without requiring to interact and stop the ‘awkward experience’ inside for not interacting because in fact, I had become the constant interactive person that seeks to ‘get along’ with others but within the starting point of ‘feeling awkward’ as being around someone without speaking. Lol as simple as this may sound but it’s true. And for example at times when standing in a queue I like speaking with people in the moment if there’s a moment when it’s just’ here’ and I speak – BUT! when it comes as a result of thinking about the ‘silence between us’ and ‘wanting to break that inner experience’ then it’s best to not give head to the thought and continue only to realize: hey I’m still here, I am still able to interact with them when the actual moment comes and that’s it.
What’s behind this modus vivendi is simply a way to move around in a ‘political way’ wherein I have created and developed this way of being towards people to ensure that they ‘like me’ or ‘treat me well’ and thus they don’t end up abusing ‘me’ because ‘I treat them well’ – see? it’s a getting and giving situation that had allowed me to move within the system as a protection mechanism for the actual fear of others that as human beings we experience towards another.
So, it’s cool to see this for what it is – and to work with it within myself because in this I am taking self responsibility to not allow myself to keep creating such veneer of interaction as a defense mechanism but to simply keep the point of expression for the moments when it is actually HERE as myself, in the moment – then there is no pre-meditation for it, there are no thoughts in the background running as a starting point of my action, just expressing here and that’s definitely a change as there’s no movement inside, just talking and sharing in the moment.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to express myself towards others as a way to keep myself ‘linked’ to others in a moment wherein I fear silence when being around another and thus defining it as it being an ‘awkward moment’
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a modus vivendi out of interacting with people within the starting point of wanting them to ‘like me’ and ‘getting along with me’ so that I ensure that I am not a ‘target’ of their ‘abuse’ or ‘criticism’ – lol that is definitely quite a mind-protection mechanism, survival mode class.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having relied on starting a conversation within the initial point of ‘breaking the ice’ as in breaking my own experience inside wherein I ‘feel’ that ‘I must start a conversation’ about a superficial matter as to open a point of communication to not exist in a denominated ‘awkward silence’ when being with someone around and not talking/interacting with them, when in fact this is simply a self-created idea of ‘who I must be’ around people.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an idea of myself around people as having to ‘protect myself from them’ from the inherent belief or thought pattern of ‘man is evil ‘ and thus fearing being hurt or harmed by people as being ‘the target of their quests’ towards others, when in fact, this is simply myself as the mind trying to protect its own skin to not be then the target of their back-chat or mind-patterns when it is actually me creating a point of connection to avoid or stop that point of distance perceived through silence.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having lived by the idea that I have to always interact with people.
I see this is coming even from a cultural background of ‘warm people’ that is often then understood as an actual defense-mechanism to ‘get along with people’ yet when hearing those same people talking shit about others, one sees and realizes that images are a scam and thus we can’t really ‘re-lie’ lol rely on people within this as it is a single mind-control point.
What will stop this is simply myself, standing up the moment that I see I am wanting to ‘interact’ with another from the starting point of ‘breaking that silence’ and thus remain silent and realize that I am still here – then simply allow myself to interact when the actual moment is here! no previous thoughts required.
ok. thanks for reading