Having to ‘Defend Myself’ = Defending Ego

I had quite an episode today wherein I had to direct a manifested consequence within my reality which is walking school and facing one teacher that I had previously completely judged and I see I still did a lot today – I got completely angry at the way he directed a point wherein he had to receive my work and he stared complaining about it and he asked me to print the stuff again – that costs money, I had already spent 20% of my money for the week on these prints and he asked me to ‘do things right’ and print again and do the things the way he wants me to do them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get angry once again at authority and being impossed while not seeing the reality of the event as what it is a single point I have to comply and do as it’s required to be done for the sake of being systematically-correct to obtain a single grade.

I see how I allowed myself to be tricked by my mind into believing that I have to be ‘compromised with my work’ as in giving all value to it that I could to make-myself acceptable to this teacher, thus engaging into an egotistic-discussion instead of bringing it back to common sense. See I talked to him a week or so ago and he had liked the pictures and I allowed myself to get all excited about that – thus eventually manifesting the exact same opposite when having to face the reality as in now being criticized due to the ‘technicalities’ of it.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel ‘confident’ when I’m told that ‘my work is good’ through the eyes of those that I’ve deemed as ‘experts’ in the field

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give worth and value to those that stand as ‘authorities’ within the same system that I’m seeing and realizing exists as a set of values that stand in polarity to create a division between ‘good’ and ‘bad’ – what’s ‘worthy’ and what’s ‘unworthy’ – within this eventually creating an unnecessary self-definition based on where do I ‘place myself’ in these categories.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to jump into my ego due to and based upon the previous experiences I have had with this particular teacher when he ‘dissed’ my work 4 years ago. Within this, by me now presenting this work trying to ‘prove to him’ as the personality that I kept in my mind as the definition of him as the past, that I can ‘work well’ and that my work is ‘acceptable’.

I forgive myself that I attempted and tried to manipulate myself to create a point of acceptance of myself towards another based on previous experiences which means that I wasn’t standing in the moment in simplicity with no previous mind-creation of ‘who they are’ but instead, continuing seeing them as the creation of the mind that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as myself and thus project it on to others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to self-condition my experience in that moment by existing in a defensive mode when and while approaching this particular person due to my accepted and allowed definition towards ‘who he is’ and what he represents which is basically the epitome of the system rejecting ‘my work’ as technically not good – lol which is actually the point wherein most of my work ‘falls’ in terms of the rules and regulations within the traditional art-rules

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use ‘transcending the technique’ as a way to escape the point of learning how to ‘do things properly’ and taking the necessary steps to create a point of knowing how to use the tools and within this, being able to work effectively within the terms and regulations required that are ‘acceptable’ within the system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to ‘defend’ my point of view which is only defending the set of preferences as to how I like to do things and thus seeing only the excuses I can use to not do things the ‘required way’ – not right or wrong, but just for the sake of their requirement.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be manipulated by myself through the eyes of my ego into seeing things the way I would see them wherein there’s an identification of ‘who I am’ and ‘the work I do’ which is entirely unacceptable as who I am is nothing I can ‘do’ or ‘think’ or ‘say’ within the context of a self definition that stands as personality of mind, as an energetic possession I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into frustration the moment I cannot do things as I ‘see’ them would be congruent with ‘who I am’ as ‘my work’ without realizing that it is actually self-righteousness justified through the I of the mind as ‘I’m an artist and I can do things whatever the way I want them to do’

Interesting, hadn’t seen this point that’s actually encouraged and valued by so many other teachers saying ‘You’re an artist, you can do whatever you want as long as you can justify it’ – that’s obviously within the context of art and its rules and language  which is essentially what we learn to work with at school – YET! we tend to take put this on as the entirety of ourselves obviously and thus become self-righteous beings that believe can do ‘whatever the fuck they want’ without considering that it is actually pertinent to HEAR

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a personal tantrum today wherein I have accepted and allowed myself to want to impose myself as my idea of ‘how I see things’ and thus use the very knowledge and information I have acquired as weapons to ‘justify myself’ as my work – which eventually became a load of bullshit that I couldn’t sustain which eventually lead to an undesired

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in anger and be possessed by anger as a fuel to drive my set of justifications and excuses as to why I want to do things a particular way, within this only listening to what others also told me as to ‘what I must fight for’ in terms of ‘rights’ yet not seeing that I am in a school system wherein there are teachers with a set of requirements established that I have to comply for now –

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to get flustered when discussing with him as in having to raise my voice and eventually get angry at him without realizing that I was the only one getting agitated there and seeing it as ‘necessary’ to ‘make my point’ and come across as ‘someone that doesn’t allow bullshit’ while the only bullshit I can accept and allow is self-created in every moment I go into any form of reaction instead of being HERE as myself.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to create a ‘quarrel’ inside my mind with regards to presenting this work – unbelievable but it seemed like a personal-thing that I had kept for all these years with that particular teacher. Thus, I won’t allow myself to just ‘dump it’ but take self responsibility for it.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to react towards the judgments of another made towards myself which indicate that I ‘took it personally’ as in him wanting to deliberately slander about myself – instead of taking the words as they came and remaining in common sense ground to not divert the point from the single requirements  of what the agreement was upon which is, presenting work, how to present it and get it done. Simple. 

I forgive myself for not allowing myself to see that I was indeed wanting an ‘easy way out’ to ‘get over with the point’ instead of simply doing the things because I have to do them as a single requirement within school, just as anything else which indicates I was taking that personal-quarrel as starting point instead of actually doing it for the sake of system-requirement responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to act out of ego, wanting to create a sense of ‘dominance over matter’ when presenting my work.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take this identification of ‘my work’ as a sole representation of ‘myself’ within the eye of the mind as such ego that is trying to ‘defend itself’ due to the fact that I didn’t actually walk the entire workshop experience of photography which then brings up the point and facts that I don’t know the technique as it’s being required, but instead want to justify the way I ‘do things’ because that’s the only ‘technique I know of’ – lol

So much unnecessary bs yet I allowed myself to take the same stance as the teacher and follow the bs with further bs

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to react about the definitions another has made upon ‘who I am’ as an ‘art student’ and ‘participant in school’ as unnoticeable and petty. I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to react in further anger within the justification and thought of ‘you don’t know me/ you know know what I’ve done’

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel the need to justify myself within that moment instead of simply taking the words as they came and remain here as myself. This indicates that I had certainly kept this self definition towards this particular person for all this time and ‘waiting for the moment’ to simply ‘prove myself to him’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel the need to ‘prove myself to someone’ just because of a personal-quarrel created over 4 years ago. shit man! I mean come on we have to get over with ourselves!!

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make money my biggest excuse when in fact it was also due to personal-infatuation and ‘wanting to prove my point’ that I said I was unwilling to repeat the work as prints that I had taken out without seeing that this had been my own decision in fact, it wasn’t something ‘imposed’ on to myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge another extensively in back chat when being faced with such a barrier that I created of myself towards another due to my starting point of the entire approach was fucked and that of ‘self-righteousness’ instead of using common sense to get to a solution.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into an attitude of ‘being offended’ without realizing that only an ego can be offended, not myself- I can simply have dignity to get things done and not take such words as personal, no matter what the other being might be ‘pointing out at you’ which can only be a reflection of who each one is.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take this entire event as a ‘challenge’ only due to the previous definitions I had created towards this particular person which wasn’t standing ‘clear’ as myself but seeing him as the entire ‘character’ I had built and created based on previous interactions which have accumulated through time eventually having to face such definitions as one single point.

 

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to hear to others’ opinions based on my opinion of being able to ‘reclaim’ about my course of action required to correct my work which was based on the sole point of not wanting to do things as they are required to be done and with the specificities that are being asked only because they are coming from a particular person I had judged and created a point of quarrel-towards without forgiving myself for it.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to participate in an ego-fight instead of a one on one person discussion which eventually ended bad and got me to the boiling point of bursting out in anger.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define another as a ‘tough cookie’ which is actually a point of self definition I have created upon myself which I am now trying to ‘preserve’ in and through moments that I have to ‘defend my work’ as it’s usually considered within the art-world reality which is actually standing in separation of what’s best for all as it’s an ‘open field’ that anyone can fill with whatever it pleases one to do so. fucked up. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to step into the ‘you don’t know me’ point which is wanting to be recognized and ‘understood’ from the perspective of valuing or changing a point of definition that another has created within themselves towards myself that I now ‘feel’ as if I had to ‘make up for’ which is definitely unacceptable as it only leads to ego-defense instead of self-common-sense walk to see what requires to be done, get it done within the understanding of it being a single requirement of the system and that’s it.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to overcomplicate that which could’ve been solved and taken from a point of simplicity.

I forgive myself for having also not ‘stood up fully in my ground’ as to being equally directive within the points that required to do so.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to preserve an ‘idea’ of ‘who I must be’ within the art world in terms of ‘having to defend’ my work which the term itself implies as if there is someone that will be ‘fighting’ against it, instead of simply presenting and representing myself through anything and all I do – thus working to do it the best possible way that I am capable of.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to victimize myself with regards to ‘being offended’ and being ‘slandered’ by another without realizing that I was allowing myself to be diminished by words that I took as myself without realizing it is not who I really am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create and harbor the idea of ‘having to become someone’ in the art world without seeing in common sense that I don’t have to ‘become someone’ I simply have to work and live by that which is best for all.

Thus I simply have to let go completely so that not one iota of that ‘ideal’ of myself remains and thus I can see in clarity how this teacher is in essence a cool reference point of where I am still reacting – lol I must say I did walk through quite a lot within his speeches and so forth yet there were some definitive points that still ‘clicked’ and got me reacting.

So, ridiculous having to go through shit like that  yet necessary to see and realize where and how I am still having to ‘defend myself’ – as simple as that.

If I am standing up single aspect that encompass the reality I live as  as everything I do will have a trademark, my actions, my decisions – all is my creation and thus every human being is an ‘artist’ that is perfecting themselves to actually live no matter where we’re at, no matter what we do

And now got a lot of work to do to get things done, lol – okay

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About Marlen

I share my realizations and perspectives within learning how to live life in self-honesty in the Desteni Process to expand and grow as a person in this world. #IMatter View all posts by Marlen

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