It is only after I have allowed myself to be possessed with anger that I realize the extent and damage done and inflicted on myself at all levels – +1 to the anger in this world, +1 to someone probably living out the thoughts in my head of violence as the vile-ends imagined and played out in my mind against another.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow such anger to possess me entirely to the extent wherein pictures, images and further ways of exerting the anger on to another are created instead of stopping myself in the moment and realizing that it’s not about the other being ‘triggering anger in me’ but it’s me exerting and playing out the anger that has been existent within/as me suppressed, dormant and only waiting for the moment to ‘arrive’ for it to show/reveal its true colors and face.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to harm myself while being madly in anger at a mind and physical level – I cannot see the direct consequence of my thoughts and I am sure that If I could I would never do it again. If we create our reality according to our thoughts, self-creation is currently the obvious direct result of what we allow to exist within our minds.
We’ve all definitely got to forgive ourselves extensively so that we can cover all the gaps wherein self-abuse hides.
Okay, I won’t go into the details of how all of this developed – and as much as I was quite angry at the moment, I simply realized I had to write it all out because entire patterns/playouts as mind reasoning, thoughts and justifications around anger that many human beings are living/ have lived out – including myself to a certain extent – revealed to me as I walked through such hours of mental-hell projected and exerted towards another human being, in real life, face to face.
So, I had the ability to in such moment when realizing that I had to write this out, I simply took out my laptop and started self forgiveness with the point that had shocked me the most as part of my mind – from there, the rest developed.
I decided to let the exact description of such points out as they were still ‘raging’ through my head – man, reading such words it’s a literal realization: I can only forgive myself for this and ensure that I do not allow myself to desire this happening to anyone not to experience it as reality nor to think in a similar vein anymore.
The exact nature of the thoughts won’t be shared for the sake of publishing purposes. The actions that such thoughts would lead to in an accumulation effect are those similar to the thoughts behind war itself –
Part of my process was first acknowledging and recognizing that I had suppressed anger – didn’t know why or how though. I could see I get easily ignited with points, and today I realized that it’s a pattern playing out from my father, easily ignited and remaining playing the same tape over a period of time, seemingly incapable of stopping/letting go. That’s how I experienced myself and this time it was clear as I was aware of being breathing but not-breathing here as self – meaning being aware of the possession, being aware of breathing but not really willing myself to stop it. I allowed it to go through the entire cycle from which I can say I’ve gone through in a couple of hours.
To sum it up, anger towards people that perceive themselves as ‘powerful’ hence declaring ‘they can do whatever they want’ implying ‘I have all the money to do whatever I want, manipulate anything/anyone necessary to do so/ I don’t give a shit about affecting others on the way of fulfilling my desires, wants and needs’.
This creates the sense of ‘powerlessness’, the idea that if I speak I will be executed by such person ‘metaphorically speaking here’ – though when translated to for example a boss firing his employee without any actual reason to do so but just because ‘he can’ / has the power at hand to do so, creates that inability of the employee to complain or ask for reasons as such decisions are only ego-preference based ‘because I want to’/ ‘because I can’ – hence what’s created is this anger that seeks revenge = wars in the making – this is at a personal level
At a greater picture level/scale, wars are brewed in similar ways which has been proven as the current so-called “revolutions”conducted by the ‘rebels’/ the oppressed-ones get into ‘power’ and they simply don’t know how to control but through following the exact same way that their previous ‘leadership’ was doing/ conducting to establish order – hence no change is made, the dictatorship only changes its name, same shit – no actual self-change as humans.
The point that differs is the idea of self that both the ‘rebels’ and the ‘leaders’ had and believed as sufficient reasons to fight wars for – all ego, all separation magnified at the power of a hand grenade.
Another example I saw here was spitefulness as even after explaining the reasons why doing something in an enclosed environment wherein others aren’t considered is simply not acceptable, the same action is done now from the starting point of throwing a tantrum/ challenging ego/ challenging the authority. This being got really pissed of at me to say the least and I got angry but it was quite an interesting anger as it wasn’t energy churning inside me, but mostly all these thoughts and images and pictures – the real demon I can be showed its face in full detail.
This is quite fascinating, I have had similar thoughts of such vile nature as a kid – me doing that in fact and I suppressed them, saw them as ‘bad’ and ‘mean’ and ‘gore’ and didn’t want to look into it – though, every time that I could access such memory which was mostly I dream – can’t remember really, I was about 7 years old or less – but the image is still vivid and from there I can see that such ‘anger’ is what drives people to kill another human being. It is ‘real’ as a mind possession and it is only after it is done that one can turn back and say, ‘oh fuck, what have I done?’
For a moment I could understand the shooters in schools, the kids that have been abused by parents/relatives for an extended period of time without being able to speak about it, I understood the person that steals/ robs another being and ending the entire act with unnecessary harm to the extent of killing, I understood the people that engage in street fights for the sake of having a valve of escapism to the accumulation of anger towards ‘the world’ for not being equally supported here.
Such thoughts that turn into actions may seem so unfathomable for people at times, yet they are HERE, they are ‘materialized’ on a daily basis and yes, they are all existent in our minds.
This will sound awkward but as much as I wanted to simply get home and never have to see such beings again – apparently within the belief that I can actually get rid of them – I am grateful for having experienced this as well from the perspective of self-revelation. The real demonic thoughts that I am sure can drive anyone to physically inflict harm on to another, to commit crimes crimes , the abusive parent/relative, same as the ‘mean boss’ that fires people just because he can, the same as shooters in schools, robbers that end up killing their victims, etc. Here is when we Realize the power of Self Forgiveness – this was very clear in the moment for me.
As I was walking through the possession with extensive backchat and having to be sharing the seat of a van with such person, it became clear that exerting such words into reality would’ve created massive consequences, it was already doing so just by few pointers I made. So, I took out my laptop and started writing it all out – I noticed how I went from repressed rage back to stability.
Reading back on it, it’s going from the most vile and self-disgusting judgments upon another into realizing this is all actually me-myself and when realizing that such point of loathing is actually self-loathing: we can only Forgive Ourselves and make sure we stop – there is no other way, there is no other ‘tool’ or ‘remedy’, Self Forgiveness was the key to remain HERE, to expose myself through words while/during the possession – I was just typing it all out, no censor, I wasn’t even looking at the screen, just typing it as speaking.
From the pit of anger to stability here
Here is where the point of unconditional forgiveness was written out that I share verbatim which came up at the last phases of such anger-rant:
Only through unconditional forgiveness can we be actually willing to forgive ourselves, not before –
We can only remain in that constant grudge against something/someone because we still try and vindicate the feelings, reactions and further damnation upon others as the accumulation passed on from moment to moment wherein I am existing as a memory – and not here as breath.
Through this, anger is justified in direct proportion to the abuse that was inflicted, without realizing that I am equal and one to the programming that has allowed the abuser and abused to exist. I cannot remain angry at a
fucking program, at a mind robot that is abusing himself/herself which is only a reflection of what is existent as myself, as the totality that is here.
Unconditional is not walking as the accumulation of past, present and future projections but simply acting in common sense in the moment, when seeing the point.
I see and realize, once again, I can only forgive myself to stop this madness of which I am the current source and creator of.
I will end this post which will be taken-on again to expand on further points that I realized here just placing out how the point of Equality becomes clear as a Self Responsibility within this, how anything, virtually anything that I could’ve judged in a killer, in a criminal, in any abusive person, revealed itself to be part of myself, awaiting dormant as part of the mind – only waiting the trigger to be pulled to show/reveal itself.
To me at this moment it’s like fitting a piece of the puzzle that I had missed before in relation to anger, specifically when being told ‘you’ve got a lot of suppressed anger’ and I simply tried to ‘figure it out’ somehow on ‘what’ could be such anger. Now I see it.
We’re walking the accumulation of ourselves as the mind, as all our lives that are here to be faced and self forgiven. Hence as a corollary on this, none of such thoughts represent who I Really am as Life – this was such a ‘painful’ realization when going out of the anger and seeing how I had literally abused myself and another in my mind – it’s not cool at all, at all – hence it must be stopped, I stop, I have forgiven myself which is how I wasn’t able to simply come home and ‘go to bed’, I had to write this out as this is the point that is currently being the base-foundation for such abuse in this world
We ‘know’ ‘all Abuse is Self-Abuse’ but when lived and realized this way, one makes the decision to make it as a necessary stigma to re-mind ourselves that stopping is imperative.
It’s fascinating how the point went from being at a boiling point and down to body-temperature.
Thanks for reading.