Writing for the sake of grounding myself as this is how I have walked through any point that I would have considered earth-shattering throughout my life and walking of this process.
Tranquility – I used to define and associate this word as the opposite of being in a loud place like a city with many people – you know, the usual images of the zen garden having only the buzzing of insects as background, having no major external disturbance and instead a nice fluffy environment I could simply sit and drift away in some mental-created state of ‘tranquility’, the type of ‘drifting off with the sea’ which I would experience when staring at it for a long period of time whenever I had the chance to do so.
Another memory is how my mother would tell me ‘tranquila, serena’ which she’d word whenever I’d go into any of my usual hissy fits and rage for anything in my world that I would vehemently react to spewing words that could somehow depict the amount of disgust and/or hatred I had towards something/ someone outside of myself. Actually no, I didn’t ‘hate’, I have always deemed that word as ‘too much’ for me to handle so it was mostly a general angst that I would then get patted on my back to be ‘at ease’, like snapping out of any given tantrum and being treated like a mentally deranged person that gets calmed down by being patted on the back – that’s how I would experience the ‘then’ tranquility experience, like that sedated effect that comes after we’ve unleashed hundreds of tears of sadness or anger.
Tranquility was always then a reaction-experience ‘after the storm’ as the necessary pole that would place an ‘end’ to any of the usual turmoil experienced – a sense of ‘everything is now fine in the outside world, there’s nothing ‘bothering’ me, I am at ease, I am tranquil now’ yet, it was always only an experience, a mentally created state for the sake of calming my waters down.
Tranquility also brings the song ‘stone in focus’ and how I used to repeat the same track ad nauseam hoping to find some sense of transcendence after numbing myself with such hypnotic sounds. That sense of ‘losing myself’ just as any other false tranquility that weed would give me, when I was able to remain staring at the ceiling for long periods of countless time, listening to equally mind droning music that seemed to have no beginning and no end.
Tranquility as being alone in my house, as having no neighbor-sounds coming at all, that sense of being finally living in a perfect world where I can hear my own heartbeat and breathing.
Tranquility as having enough money on my pockets throughout my life so that I wouldn’t’ have to worry about getting something to eat the next day. That false sense of tranquility that money can give to only a few compared to the vast majority that’s living in such a struggle for this sense of ‘financial tranquility’.
All of these definitions – and probably many more hidden in the backtracks of the overrated life experience – are associated with what I had understood ‘Tranquility’ to be. Though they were nothing but counter acts, self-created mindfucks of having specific sounds, pictures, people or the lack thereof around me to create a sense of ‘peace’ which is also what I sought through meditation and any other practice in ‘stilling the mind’ as in shutting up a never-ending thinking machine without ever even considering that I had to actually face myself as such mind, that I just didn’t have to ‘stop it’ and ‘shut id off’ but instead had to walk an actual point of Self Correction.
The correction with regards to this word now is how I can define tranquility as every moment that I am here breathing, stopping any thoughts and remaining attentive as the focus necessary to be stopping and redirecting ourselves every time.
This implies having no time-lag of any memory, picture or idea in my mind that could stir my waters into any direction up there in the mind as yet another experience. Instead of making of tranquility a separate ‘act’ that would be encouraged and self-created/ impulsed as a ‘need’ or ‘necessary outflow’ out of having experienced the opposite – such as anger, sadness or any other emotional outburst for that matter – I now walk the process of embracing tranquility as that simplicity of being here as the physical body, ensuring I face myself as my mind watching the thoughts go by, self forgiving and ensuring I do not participate on them.
I write myself and voice myself as self forgiveness to stop any delusions that may be occupying my mind and thus I’m able to remain here as breath, walking, directing and within that, actual tranquility exists – I make sure I am self directive instead of being only a prey to my own mind, being hunted/haunted by my own beliefs, ideas, preferences that I then face to see how it is simply a matter of realizing the program, stopping the thoughts linked to that to stand and focus on what’s actually here as the breathing-walking-living reality as self.
This is how tranquility is not some externally created moment with nice pictures all around to build and sell the entire package, but instead I make sure I realize tranquility as myself as nothing moving inside me and remaining just here, self directive, aware as my physical body – breathing.