Life Per-pose: is this how it’s ‘meant to be’?

Discovering God’s master plan can be rather stifling for the very first time when writing yourself to freedom seeing all that which we accepted and allowed in the name of ‘personal growth’ or ‘learning lessons in life’ within the acceptance of us having to go through this for some apparent mystical reason. Most of them are unacceptable acts of self-abusive nature that we as humans have kept us busy recreating as ‘our life’ while missing the actual factness of life as breath as the physical, here. This all began when reading this following quote and getting to the point of ‘debunking it’:

“There are no coincidences. Every event we experience and every person we meet has intentionally been put in our path to help raise our level of consciousness .” Cheryl Richardson

Then I realized that I used to think this way for a LONG time, finding all types of meanings to virtually ANYTHING in my world, making of my ‘life’ nothing else but a ‘puzzle’ wherein I’d be entertained enough all the time ‘placing it together’ or at least finding some type of ‘meaning’ to it all.

With this I mean that I sought for some type of ‘guidance’ and/or ‘divine clues’ a long time. I’ve kept written records of myself from the year 2000, beginning with petty notes of ‘going somewhere’ or having some major change in my life – which meant going to another school or having another ‘platonic love’ to write about – and within them all I was always ‘hoping for something to knock on my door to tell me the way to go’ and within this following the idea that whatever I ‘had to experience’ was related to some higher purpose.

Within seeking for ‘guidance’ I began searching for that ‘something’ that I had to ‘come across with’ to get to fulfill some kind of heaven-sent life purpose, I’ve scrapped off most of this as ‘who I am’ and I’m simply bringing it up here as it just re-emerged when taking this quote to write about it and before I place this quote on its deserved trash can, I have to take a look at how this type of statements actually enhanced my thoughts on there being a ‘meaning’, a ‘reason, a ‘purpose’ for anything/everyone I encountered myself with in this world.

Interesting that within this I never ever questioned myself why if I had to ‘follow a certain pattern’ never questioned the fact that it was a pattern and that it was already laid out before me – but anyways, I got my entertainment for several years on cherishing every single thing that could possibly mean ‘a piece in the puzzle’ that was ‘myself’ and ‘who I had to become’ which was someone that kept living ‘for the future’ and with various multiple future projections of myself in time, seldom being actually Here. I mean, when I was 10 years old I already wanted to be 20 to apparently ‘have all the fun I wanted to have as a grown up’ and this had only stopped since I’ve been walking this process, otherwise I’d probably still be picturing myself 10 years from now as a ‘realized person’ with whatever form of success I had sought to achieve before.

But the spiritual aspect of this came as I started getting to know of book writers, musicians and artists that had a similar vein and perspective on life which lead me to think ‘I’m on the right path’. Acquaintances would seem like ‘hints’ to the ‘next piece of the puzzle in my life’ which would become my ‘next thing to do’ – maybe this is why I dig that movie Memento that much because the guy ‘lives his life’ out of this apparent mission he’s got to fulfill and how we build ourselves as memories with attached value/ meaning to create ‘who we are’.

Every person that I got to know I’d know the exact days and numbers and in which ‘era’ of myself I was in, I was quite an obsessed freak on all types of seemingly rubbish data that would mean ‘the world’ to me. Every relationship that I had as the aspects that I thought I had to ‘walk through ‘ to eventually ‘get somewhere else’ became quite the ‘living-pattern’. This brings me back to stuff like tarot, the movie PI probably ignoring at that time how I had become fixated on such type of movies because I had sought to create of my life my own alchemist journey wherein at the end of it all, all the suffering, all the mistakes, all the sadness and despair that I over indulged and created for myself as my own life-story would’ve made ‘sense’ and would finally get some type of reward – such as getting to the source of it all and becoming an enlightened being of sorts forever leaving behind the physical coil that I had despised and disregarded for so long. I mean, ‘this mortal coil’ became one of those sentences that marked my view of myself as my world and thus seeking always something else separate from myself to ‘get somewhere else’ but here.

From this I created a literal ‘story in the making’ of my own life, through my own writings, through the stuff that I’d create, the pictures I’d take in a compulsive manner as to keep those moments in my memory as ‘who I am’ and as a reminder of whatever experience I had created for myself in that moment were also considered as the type of ‘divine sign’ as being in ‘this time and space in this particular moment’ which means =  ‘I must be on the right path!’. Literally, to this I can add how I’d be seeing patterns of numbers everywhere all the time, seeing eyes in the sky – without ever understanding how it is that we program ourselves to do that, well my mother explained me a bit on that but I denied the common sense presented as in such plain grounded words as ‘you’re creating it yourself’ because I wanted to preserve such mysterious side of my life as my own story-to-tell that would have this marvelous finale someday.

From every experience I would think  that ‘there was something to learn’, there must be ‘something more to it than that which I can understand at the moment’. Within this mindset I accepted and allowed myself to be in relationships wherein I’d get to experience a lot of self-acceptance through others while  suffering by their side, in a way believing that I had to pay some ‘karma’ about that or that I had somehow given up on myself at some point and now it was my turn to save people – yes this is called the saviour syndrome and we’ve walked it for quite some time through this process as well.

This became  a literal experience when I’d have male friends that were mostly ‘social outcasts’ for whatever reasons people and themselves would cage themselves in –either due to sexual preferences, schizoid and erratic addictive behaviors, bum-like creatures that spoke like poetry all the time, people that were usually  judged and that not many could ‘stand’ for a long period of time but myself. Once I had my ‘partner/friend/lover whatever living with my best gay friend lol that was quite a fascinating time wherein I literally thought that this was ‘meant to be’ for me to become the person that stands as the reason why none of them has finally pulled the trigger to blow their heads off = “I was meant to be there!” Oh god…

So, I started seeing myself as a ‘healer’ – or rather like a nurse as a someone that wanted to help people while creating this ever-glowing aura around myself. This personality was also supported by these guys around me and other people that I’d meet with whom I started behaving like in a ‘guru style’, becoming more of a light and lover easy-going ‘silent’ person which would be mostly submissive and accepting tantrums from my friends/relationships as something that ‘must had a meaning/ purpose/ reason to be in my life’, I’d mindfuck myself as far as ‘I must develop tolerance and patience to deal with these people, this is what I’ve chosen and I’m not aware of it, so I accept and comply to it” –

For this I applied the nonsensical idea that I had to pay for probably having been such a deranged lunatic in some other life and now having to be the one that ‘takes care of such beings that were ‘me’ but in this life’. I mean, what a masterpiece of a holy-wood movie I built of myself, and this we all do every time we seek to create these stories that would someday apparently ‘have any meaning’ to know who or what we are and what we’re supposed to be doing here in this world, that ‘lifepath’ and purpose in life thing would drive me crazy, always wanting to know ‘what I was supposed to be doing’ and thus placing trust in everything outside of myself to ‘guide me to it’ – never realizing self direction in any moment.

I actually accepted any type of emotional turmoil from myself and others around me as ‘lessons to be learned’ as points that I had to accept as part of my life due to me having misbehaved in the past. I accepted myself to be tied and bound to relationships just because I feared ‘losing myself’ as all the self-created value/worth that I had built around myself in relation to these particular persons and that others had accepted as ‘who I was’ which had to do with others ‘depending on me to keep going’ – kind of making of myself the necessary nurse that ‘must be by their side’ otherwise they’ll sink into depression and die. Even my family would make fun of me taking food to my friends and being there like the nurse to make sure they’d take their antidepressants and would have enough weed to not go into erratic behaviour and hissy fits with other people, to ensure that I’d stand for as long as it would take them to slow down and come back to senses. I obviously wasn’t living my life at all, I was living as someone else’s shadow going through the same cycles of asking ‘how are you’ hoping to hear ‘I’m okay’ instead of ‘same as always’.

I am exposing this because this is obvious self abuse that I accepted and allowed as myself – I was going to write ‘that I endured’ but that’d be self-victimization which became sort of like the usual ‘martyr’-personality wherein I literally thought that I had to suffer to make any real art, that I had to suffer to really know what ‘life is about’, that I had to endure pain and any form of disgrace for the sake of knowing my limits and thus ‘strengthen’ my resolution to be a ‘loving being’ in a dream-like state of life where ‘nothing would bother me’, where I would’ve found all the ‘keys and secrets to life’ after having lived a life that would seem no different to an esoteric monopoly game of hints, ups and downs that were apparently ‘part of the plan’.

Such ‘masterplan’ of my life  was never master in fact and it was a preprogrammed plan for us to be entertained within our own personal mythologies that we decided to cultivate as the seeking of meanings, codes, symbols or any other trivial fact that would become part of the beads to tie into a single chain that would have some coherence at some point in our lives, without ever seeing how we had missed life, the actual ‘beingness’ of being here, embracing ourselves as the physical when going into a dimensional shift of a ‘someday’-situation  being alright, of being finally ‘in paradise’.

I must say that after these years I’ve made quite a ‘progress’ in letting go of creating this type of ‘coincidences having any meaning’ in my life and making of myself just as another character that I would often indulge into within reading and losing myself into it which I would then try to correlate to the events I’d have in my own life. Now I’ve simplified my living to directing it here as the moment instead of bouncing back and forth into a past that seemed like the usually tagged ‘good old times’ wherein I’d feed my premature nostalgia and/or dream of a future wherein I would apparently be settled and ‘knowing what I’m here fore’ for whatever ‘divine’ reason it’ would be.

Every time that we see ourselves saying ‘it had to be this way’, ‘it happened for some reason’, ‘this things don’t happen by accident’ – Oh right, there’s another movie I can relate to this single point in how ‘orchestrated’ our entire reality was to the point of being sarcastically tragic, that’s ‘Magnolia’ and I’d confer this as one of my favorite movies because of how they depicted a series of seemingly unimportant events getting to a climatic intricate cross-wired story-telling that develops into a resolution of realizing how fragile we as human beings are when we are pray of our emotions/ feelings as well as being subject to death, tragedy and seemingly unfathomable natural events that could twist even the most ‘grounded head’ around for a second look. In the movie they emphasize how ‘things cannot be simple coincidences or random accidents, but would have some intricate unfathomable explanation that would mostly point out to a ‘god’ being the master puppeteer of them all, one sick god for the matter of this this movie and the nature of events that take place.

This is what I now realize but I’d solace myself to  think that all of this life would also make sense at the end, which is how I kept me in an idle status of hoping and ‘waiting’ for something/someone to come and ‘save me’ – lol even the main song for that movie’s soundtrack is called ‘Save me’ by Aimee Mann. This correlates to when my secret desire to ‘meet god’ grew bigger and my indulgence in conspiracy theories and end of the world stories began ‘ringing like bells to my ears’ as it would – at least – give me the sensation of ‘being somewhere near to the truth’ while neglecting the obvious truth of myself that I had accepted and allowed while existing in such constant ‘seeking for a momentum’, ‘seeking for such relationship that would be a key-point to my reality’, seeking for a meaning behind anything from a sequenced number on my microwave to a ‘glaring eye’ in the sky  that I would stumble upon, everyone I met that I thought I’d had to ‘meet’ and take something from to make myself…

Now:

Imagine millions living like this with all of this networks of information that we go storing as ‘who we are’ – no wonder we’ve created of this world as a stage to ‘gain the contest’, ‘run the quest’ for something, as a continuous seeking and ‘exploring’ everything and all that could ‘bring me a little closer to god’ in whatever form and sensation it would make itself present.

The moment I realized I had to stop this continuous self-creation as the ‘special character in the movie’ I’d perceive myself to be dead, a ‘goner’, idle and empty which was only me stopping from feeding my mind into these continuous self-created self-fuck mind-propulsion that sought a ‘new mystery’ every time to debunk and occupy myself in this as part of ‘seeking to find myself’ Lol, fascinating how much we disregarded our physical reality while existing in such a constant invisible surrounding bubbles as our minds filled with words, pictures , memories that could eventually mean something to myself or someone else for the sake of obtaining a ‘greater communication with the whole’ or whatever I would define ‘god’ to be, seeking to stitch all the moments and ‘get the final picture’ at the end of it all, like a quilt that I could then cover myself with and be at ‘peace’.

Once we look back and see how self support is always here as Breathe, we can laugh at all the intricacies and details that we’ve kept for the sake of ‘following such path’ and seeking a greater connection to it all.

I recognize this is the type of writing that allowed me to have a sense of self-recognition as all that I have accepted and allowed myself to become within my ‘personal history’ and place this process into perspective to see how I’ve gone from existing in such a limited frame of only building my own character and my own stories for the sake of my own indulgence in the existence of some ‘greater truth’ to be discovered – and now have a sense of realization with regards to how limited I had been living when only seeking my ultimate fulfillment and pleasure while disregarding the entire world and whatever was going on through such times when I became self-centered all the way.

Part of spirituality is the promotion of this individualism wherein apparently you are encouraged to ‘let go of your ego’ while promoting the creating of yourself as some type of ‘divine act of god’ that would have some grand meaning after all the shake ups and fuckups would’ve been walked and blindly accepted and allowed  without ever realizing: wait a minute, I can actually stop myself from supporting this, I can actually support myself to not participate in these constant search for something ‘greater’ than myself, I can actually be here without desiring to become something, attain something or seek for someone but instead face myself and embrace myself.

When living in this constant search for meaning and purpose we miss what’s here which is to be breathed, we miss the reality that we exist as while existing in an apparent ‘better past’ and moving into the future hoping that you’re able to ‘make it through’ this life. It is through this non-self acceptance of ourselves as ‘this mortal coil’ that we remain believing that there is some ‘intention’ behind our lives, hence that there is some marvelous being watching our back. It was never a god, it was just a fucked up program designed to keep us generating feelings and emotion to power some creator’s ideal of ‘heaven’.

Now what we’ve hit the ground, we can stop drifting off to some alternate reality see that there is no meaning, no purpose no ‘intention’ behind this to seek other than the intention and direction as the purpose of life to create a world that’s best for all, because there’s nothing else to do really and we’ve neglected this for such a long time that it’s only fair we dedicate this life to make it a reality.

There is no ‘raising of consciousness’ available in your local white-light store (not the apple one) anymore – that’s all gone. What remains is here as breathing fleshy-bloody living human beings that has only each moment to establish ourselves as life. We shut down all the superior-god ideas being possible within this reality and focus on the matters of this world of which there are many points to take care of so that we can move as human beings from our self-dug cave of enlightenment.

Wake up!

and thanks for reading up to here.

Please read Sunette’s explanation and perspective on this quote which certainly is the great point of direction required once we’ve realized the fuckups that we’ve accepted as ‘our life’ and reality:

Relationships are no “Coincidence”

Consciousness is the grid of enslavement that we believed ‘had to be raised’ – what a mindfuck.

Get to know the real story of our existence at Desteni

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About Marlen

I share my realizations and perspectives within learning how to live life in self-honesty in the Desteni Process to expand and grow as a person in this world. #IMatter View all posts by Marlen

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