“Is feeling nothing the inevitable result of believing in nothing? And then I got to feeling frightened – thinking that there might not actually be anything to believe in, in particular. I thought it would be such a sick joke to have to remain alive for decades and not believe in or feel anything.” – Douglas Coupland
This is a quote from the book ‘Life after God’ which I deemed to be one of my favorite books. After a while, I simply made the title my favorite part of it as this process has been in fact the realization of myself getting rid of any form of belief in a ‘god/ superior being’ and the religion I had created as myself and my own mind filled with limitations, fears and a certain angst toward reality, seeking a way to ‘save myself’ from what I deemed some type of ‘Earthly punishment.’
I was looking at some of my old blog entries which are a great way to look at myself 4 years ago and I can see how I was existing in an entire personality set that would seep through the entirety of the texts I wrote, fascinating how we can really pour out our entire personality through words.
Part of this process of getting to know ‘who I really am’ and what my actual expression is has been walked not only through words, but creating images/ drawings. I remembered how even if I had believed myself to be ‘alright’ in my world, images of the world Not being ‘alright’ were coming through in the form of drawings/ paintings, which lead me to actually see that how I experienced myself had to do with how I saw the world existed.
Let me explain it better. I’ve grown up in a supportive family, having all that I require to live and having access to education and even ‘follow my dreams’ to a certain extent – yet there was like an ‘existential anguish’ that hovered around me all the time, which is how I embodied a rather depressive personality even if I could smile and pretend that everything is fine and ‘have fun.’ Who I was and how I actually experienced myself would come out whenever I could experience myself being alone, that’s when the world would ‘fall on me’ and I would just see myself as incapable of doing something, not knowing exactly ‘what I could do to change the world,’ what I could do to give my life some meaning and direction, something that actually Mattered.
I was simply wanting to create a world that was in fact best for all – yet not naming it like that or even realizing this was actually the point – and in that, creating myself as a human being that could be ‘free’ from this system. The bounds and limitations I experienced were mostly related to me seeking something/ someone to come and save me – to ‘fulfill me,’ to give a meaning to my life. This book became a declaration of that, I could relate to what Doug Coupland was saying: feeling awkward for not feeling, losing any faith in a god yet desperately ‘needing’ something/ someone at the same time. I also sought to be ‘happy’ at some point, because that’s what everyone wanted and desired and in my attempts to ‘fit in’ this world, I once sought to be fulfilled as well, never seeing that I was in fact only following what we’ve created as our personal agendas of self-service wherein we add the usual money, love, great health, great looks and being ‘free’ from whatever we perceived as an oppression. I also wanted that, and I also thought that because I had lost all ‘faith’ in myself I had to now deposit ‘faith’ into some greater outcome that I could hold on to, to keep walking, to give a meaning to life because nothing made any sense.
“My secret is that I need God – that I am sick and can no longer make it alone. I need God to help me give, because I no longer seem to be capable of giving; to help me be kind, as I no longer seem capable of kindness; to help me love, as I seem to be beyond being able to love.”
I read this book in November, 2005 and this is the previous to last page of it. These particular words planted the ‘seed’ to ‘search for god’ in a more directive way. In the back of my head I knew that I was not ‘believing in god’ as the usual stereotype of a man sitting on heaven looking down at us. I sought for something ‘beyond myself’ and in that, my spiritual quest became a reality during 2006 and 2007, two intense years of my life wherein it is almost as if entire lifetimes of spiritual quests were just shrunk and condensed to be experienced in what I can only recall as one hell of a ride.
I resonated with such words because I also didn’t want to accept myself as ‘giving up’ on myself completely, I gave myself a last chance within seeking a religion, a God or anything that could give meaning to my life. I was in quite a state of desperation and feeling like the ultimate victim, the misunderstood and sensitive woman on Earth that needs something/ someone to come and save her from her misery. I ‘knew’ that I had ‘so much to give’ but I couldn’t find it in myself to simply live it as myself – in fact all that I had missed within this entire personality was: Myself.
Seeking for God is no different to seeking for: ourselves. We really are the ones we have been waiting for.
Within this process I realized how all the good intentions pave the road to hell, I had an ‘open heart’ to become a light worker or some other type of spiritual guru to support people, because I thought that only through fixing and saving others’ lives I could save mine. I always missed myself in the equation, missed myself as the starting point of it all.
When I realized I had to take my own life by the hand, I realized how much I had neglected myself: my physical body, the very breath that keeps me alive, the world that I live in which is providing me for what I eat. We get to be so consumed in our thoughts that we forget about the entire physical realm that is giving us the necessary to exist here – yet we use it only as fuel to charge up ourselves and continue only existing ‘up there’ in the mind, seeking for love, seeking for happiness, success, fulfillment, the perfect relationship, the perfect job, the perfect house, the perfect reality wherein you just do the same every single day and wait to die to ‘ascend to heaven’ and apparently only ‘then’ be able to actually Live.
I was wrong and I can say that we’ve all been wrong within existing in this world in such a limited frame of mind of what ‘life’ is, only thinking that this world cannot be changed because we hadn’t even realized what had to be changed and corrected.
How can we give up on ourselves if we haven’t even ever lived?
How can we require a non-existent and invisible ‘god’ to help us do something while realizing that anything that we do or don’t do is only able to be walked and lived by ourselves, individually – yet as equals.
Walking out of a victimization state, walking out of self-pity, of an entire personality of being seemingly powerless, inferior, not able to do something to ‘change this world’ which I always saw as something ‘out there’ instead of beginning Here as myself.
The point of realizing I had been missing myself suffused as I walked a process of writing myself out, seeing how in between all the flair and personality I had become, I could spot some common sense that seemed like ‘the real me’ – I started then digging more and more into those glimpses of common sense and realizing how I had to stop playing out the character that had become the epitome of hopelessness, of ‘waiting’ for something/ someone, of being just playing out the victim of society and spiting it back with self-abusive behaviors. That’s how some call our generation the ‘Lost Generation’ – yet we can only be lost if we had ever ‘found’ ourselves and we never did, because we always looked outside of ourselves. It was just a nice tag to remain in oblivion of what was actually/ really going on in this world, actual suffering that I avoided to look at during my ‘spiritual awakening’ because of believing that ‘focusing on the negative will create negativity in my life.’ Oh yes, how deluded was I.
I’ve forgiven myself for having deposited myself – yes almost in an accounting way – to the idea of a god or some extraordinary superior energy that I could attain and become eternally blissful with. We’ve all become lightworkers when seeking only to fulfill our own lives while neglecting the rest of the world, that’s a fact. If spirituality promotes individualism, capitalism could also be called light-system wherein we all sought it and depended of it to live.
As I write, it is still awkward we are living in a world where such fictional value still exist, seems like we are truly only playing re-runs of a reality that has already failed a long, long time ago. We’ve only continued living out this same reality out of being absolutely blind to see that we don’t require any god to Live, we don’t require any ‘all mighty dude’ to come and give us some guidelines on what needs to be done. We have a principle to live by and it is Equality as life, we have a set of tools to finally become our own self-responsible creators: self forgiveness, self honesty and an ever lasting consideration of what’s best for all as the starting point of anything we do and direct ourselves within our lives.
I have seen how ‘Life after God’ means just that: us human beings finally getting rid of such a dominant belief system to being to learn how to live. God isn’t only this ‘character’ we keep in the back of our heads as ‘something/ someone more powerful than us;’ God has also become our own ruling personality that decides for us, that seeks to remain in an eternal state of self righteousness because that is apparently ‘who we are.’
Equality can be anything, including God, but we can see that there is no point in naming it God if we are all one and equal – we could call ourselves god or saviors or anything else and remain the same meaning: self responsibility remains HERE as our duty, as a must do point to get to finally see what Living is all about.
At the moment we have only realized that this world is in our hands and that everything that we once sought for in a god/ religion/ philosophy/ spirituality is able to be given by ourselves as a self-willed living decision to stand up for Life in Equality, as a process of Self Forgiveness.
I now realize that every time that I saw no way out and wanting to ‘stop existing’ was only stemming from a desire to actually live. The bottom line is that whenever I saw myself yearning for a ‘way out’ it was actually wanting to get HERE, to be Real at last. It never made any sense to me that this is all there is to this world. And it is a fact, it is not all we can be.
We’ve been living in a system of limitation, separation, seclusion, fear, judgments and the list goes on. What happens after such restrictions? What is there to live once we free ourselves from our own personalities, once we shed the old skin manifested as this entire world system based in abuse, harm, hatred and disregard of each other? What comes after ‘God’ in our lives?
Ourselves, what’s here, reality to be explored, to Live.
How can we give up on ourselves if we have never been real? How can we feel lost if we never really ‘found’ ourselves? How could humanity ever trust in a god that never showed its face here? Ludicrous, yet we are here to stop existing in such limitation, we are here to support ourselves to shed the dry skin of the past and walk as the reality that we see is common sense to live in this world. It will take time, yes, but there is nothing else to be done here. Everything we could ever require to do so is already here, we just have to learn how to cooperate, work together, step out of our egos and limited frames of mind and give it all to make our lives real.
I speak this for myself as I saw how being in a pointlessness and rather obfuscated mind-view of this world lead me nowhere but to further thoughts and experiences of being lost and confused and helpless, never seeing that I had to become the point of my existence, that I had to do what it takes to get to actually Live. There is nothing else to be/ become or do here, we now stand as the law of our being, we become instruments to manifest what is already here in Equality.
Give yourself a chance, that’s what Desteni is about: giving ourselves this one opportunity, a second ‘go’ in this world to finally live. When I realized this point, I felt immensely grateful – no exaggeration -because I realized how I had wanted to die only because of being tormented by my own thoughts, by my own fears, by my own limited view of ‘who I am’ as this being that wasn’t certainly ‘comfortable’ in her own skin before, I am getting there as every day that I untie a knot that keeps me bound to the past that I was. I saw how it wasn’t a ‘god’ giving me a second chance, it was actually me having placed myself in this process, in this position wherein I am willing myself to live – this is what’s so important about this process: we do it to ourselves, we live it ourselves, we stand as individuals yet altogether as one single agreement: to live what’s best for all, to be and become the change that we’ve never ever seen in this reality.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to miss myself in the entire equation that I am as Life
I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to want to end my ‘life’ without having ever actually lived
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ever be so tormented by my own thoughts, by my own fears, by my own feelings and emotions without ever realizing I was doing it all myself, that I could stop being a victim by stopping myself from victimizing myself, that I could stop myself from generating experiences in an attempt to ‘live’
Certainly, the point that I’ve learned this life is how to Forgive Myself. Once we grasp the meaning of this, we open the door to an actual ability to live, we untie the knots that we’ve created, just because of not knowing what could possibly ‘be’ if we let go of our mind. That’s life after God, life after our own religion of self as the mind, Life after the limited frame of view we’ve had of this world until now.
We are ready, we are walking here to actually live – we don’t really require anything or anyone else – all is set and ready for us to take the wheel and drive the road to Here, as Equals.
Quotes taken from:
Coupland, Douglas. Life After God. 1st ed. New York: Pocket books, 1995. Print.
Watch Anna talking about a song by Robot Virgins that certainly came through as I was writing this blog, you’ll find the link to the song and the album in Anna’s video. Please listen as this is definitely a cool add on to this entry
http://www.eqafe.com – Life Supports Life