We have defined ‘being accepted’ as fitting into the cookie-cutter role-models that we have been taught will lead us to that state of ‘satisfaction/ happiness/ fulfillment,’ wherein we would finally be able to be at ease with ourselves. Being accepted ‘by others’ has become the way for us to usually define self-acceptance – yet it doesn’t have anything to do with how we look, how much money we have, how others see us or even who we are in relation to others.
In the beginning was: Separation
It is as if the starting point for us in this world is lacking any form of ‘completion’ as the realization that who we really are is one and equal. Because this is not even considered as one of the basic platforms upon which all education should be placed, we are instead ‘trained’ and inserted within the world that we identify more with a race track than an actual living-ground, only to someday – maybe – get to the finish line wherein all the ‘glory of the world’ will rain down for us.
The starting point for every single human being at the moment is having to manage to ‘get to point A to point B’ wherein for some this implies managing to survive from one day to the other with proper living conditions such as food, water, shelter, clothing – some don’t even get that and some others could afford getting 10000 times that.
This is the world that we live in and within this, self acceptance is conditioned as part of the system wherein all attributes/ additives/ toppings that we use to build-up ‘who we are’ as our personality and ego, will play a definitive role in how we perceive ourselves, how we judge ourselves which eventually become our own projected judgments as ‘how we think others see us’ – which is something like agreeing to play in our own ‘wall street’ roulette as individuals in society, wherein our value will go up or down according to the amount of shareholders we’re able to ‘trap’ with our presentation, our personality, our ‘traits’ and within that, how much of that we eventually become as ‘who we are,’ forgetting any common sense realization of the very basics that stand here as the physical body that we all reading this are existing as.
How I walked this initial perspective of ‘self acceptance’ was through looking for relationships, which is mostly propagated and constantly ignited by the media and society, our family and immediate circle of interaction. We learn how we are only ‘someone’ if you engage in a relationship with another human being, which is masking the entire impulse for sex as the usual ‘rite’ to be an active member of society, to be a part of the hype of the world without ever, ever questioning WHY this is so until now. This is how we then get trapped into the quest to reach such fulfilled/ happy and apparently satisfied self-experience because of having someone that would approve of ourselves as ‘human beings,’ to eventually quench this thirst that we call ‘living’ as a bundle of experiences = this is NOT what life is.
From this, we can see how we have never even known what ‘Self Acceptance’ is, simply because the common place to go to when looking at these words implies not having been living from the starting point of what should have been an inherent part of our education/ upbringing, as the identification/ recognition of who and what we really are as LIFE, as One and Equal. The fact that we have to talk about the very basics of understanding who and what we really are and getting to the point of Self Acceptance as Life, as our physical body here, implies that we have been living in absolute separation from Reality, creating an IDEA of ‘who we are’ which is limited to a certain personality/ego that we ‘wear’ as who we are in order to continue playing the game of seeking this acceptance outside of ourselves – or its reversal/ polarity effect of ‘rejection’ which works in the same way and requires the same effort to ‘keep up’ such stance.
There is ‘something missing’
We all have experienced this in one way or another in our lives, we seek all forms of distractions as relationships, friends, drugs, books, music, seeking role models that could embody the idea that we then believe is what ‘being comfortable in your own skin’ would be like, taking only the ‘image value’ that we can get through how we see others, how we believe it is that they are – without ever in fact getting to know what is going on inside such human beings.
We then consume the image-value of what being accepted ‘must be like’ – In my case I associated this mostly with women in your regular alternative music and rock scene from the 90’s wherein I saw the type of strength that I would like to embody, simply because of having been ‘teased’ for being ‘too vulnerable’ as a child – hence we can know that whatever comes as a point of acceptance through wanting to cover up for the a previous accepted and allowed idea of self, is just another ‘suitable character’ as a façade – or even defense mechanism – that can only last for as long as the energy toward it is there.
Everything that we ‘become’ as an ego/ personality requires constant food to maintain – just like any other mind-possession that can only last for as long as we continue thinking – lol, common sense but! it still happens that we don’t even realize the very basics of our self-torturing applications of continuing thinking and feeding all the experiences. Thus the same goes with this pseudo self-acceptance that I experienced wherein I felt more ‘powerful’ for a while while having just covered up with black the previous idea of myself as being ‘easily hurt’ or ‘easily fooled’ – too gullible so to speak. Within this I can see how it was only a temporary mind-job to fix myself for a while until I realized that I had created myself in such a way only to gain a false-sense of strength based solely in an image, which is how I then got to be accepted by others, having a ‘place in the world’ built around a comfortable spot that I created as a point of contrast to what I would see in my reality.
This began within being in a family with other three women – mother and two sisters – wherein I simply vowed to myself not to become like them, which implied avoiding embodying the idea of being what I have judged as ‘social butterflies’ as having this natural ability to be charismatic and liked by people. Within becoming aware of myself as the physical image I see in the mirror, I started developing judgments and comparison toward them which lead me to feel like the odd-part of the entire family, and specifically of the ‘trio’ that we were as sisters.
The moment that I saw myself as unfit to ‘be like them’ and walk the same steps – as well as not wanting to be in the same type of ‘lifestyle’ they were into – I began reinforcing the construction of this safe-boat as the ‘alternative’ one wherein I ensured I had no competition, wherein I didn’t have to create an entire ‘struggle’ within myself in order to keep up with any form of expectations from others/ family/ society according to ‘who I had to be’ as part of my family. I can see now how it is a form of bailing myself out of the unspoken competition through shifting the paradigm of who I was supposed to be, and in that, ensure that no matter what, I’ll have a ‘different spot’ and regard for daring to ‘be different.’ I took this as some form of pride now that I see it, wherein I would then believe myself to be superior to them for having opted a ‘different lifestyle,’ for having dared to leave home to study abroad and other various things that I have defined myself as.
Thus, I placed all my effort to create myself as the opposite/ alternative one and in that, I created a form of comfort. I even got to desire being a boy at times, just so that I would not have to deal with the ideal of what I deemed as ‘girly’ type of personality that I judged my sisters for, wherein all the points of self-judgment would form this apparent impediment for me to not be able to stand simply equal and one as myself, but instead ‘opted myself out’ out of such form of unspoken competition by transforming myself into something else. I would then dress with baggy clothes that could resemble an idea of myself as a non-conventional woman at least.
It’s interesting now that I look back at it, I deemed as ‘more valuable’ to be accepted/ liked by others even if not embodying the usual categories of people that would be accepted/ liked by others with particular image-presentations that I had used as a reference point to contrast myself to = becoming the other side of the same coin. We can only take pride on something that we have deliberately created in order to uplift ourselves from a starting point of perceiving ourselves as ‘less than’/ inferior to from the get-go, and in that such ‘superiority’ I developed as judgment in my mind became part of the usual stand toward family and the world in general, thinking that ‘I was right and everyone else is wrong’ which I have also discussed in previous blogs. This is then the entire set up for that pseudo-acceptance through using personalities to cover up the actual fears and competition games I denied being a part of.
So, this became a point of ‘satisfaction’ because of achieving my goal of ‘not being ordinary,’ without ever realizing I was playing the exact same game, yet having killed all possible opponents by default. That’s also probably the reason why I mostly had male friends, so that I wouldn’t have to ‘deal’ with comparing myself to other females – aside from the early teen experiences when I was briefly part of the ‘popular girls’ which seemed too fake for me to deal with, yet I would still see myself as the ‘odd one’ in the picture, literally, which is when I stepped off the bandwagon and created ‘my own way.’
A safe spot for Self-Acceptance: get rid of competition
So, that’s how I became ‘me’ and stopped having to deal with any form of perceived rejection from the type of girls that would be in my school at the time, also because I would not agree or even enjoyed everything they wanted to be/ do like flirting, clubbing and the whole lot of things that I simply couldn’t force myself to do just to remain in that circle. So in that, I didn’t ‘bother’ with wanting to be accepted any longer and became a different character so that I would not have to try and fit in.
That’s when I stopped going out with them altogether and resorted into my own world of music, painting, reading and writing some existential woes out alone. Not that I see either point as ‘good’ or ‘bad,’ just looking at how I withdrew from such relationships from the definitive starting point of existing within/ as that particular judgment. I guess I ‘didn’t know better’ because of that school being mostly designed to create a particular type of people that I already knew I didn’t want to become – which is your regular capitalist/ leader type of mentality, the ‘winner’ all the way; in a way I wanted to remain as condescending as possible to all that could not fit into that idea, hence becoming the ‘outcast’ myself.
I must recognize that even the choice of career shifted in that point wherein before – around the age of 14 I wanted to be come a financial adviser/ economist or any other career that would ensure I could earn a good amount of money. The moment I created the shift I’ve described thus far, I went for a more ‘bohemian’ type of ideal lifestyle wherein my dreams would still be that of wanting to be recognized/ famous yet from a completely different perspective.
Seeking similar-ties to be ‘accepted’
Eventually the way to accept myself within such a self created character wherein my self-esteem was already diminished and existing within a starting point of seeing myself as ‘inferior’ to the rest of the world, I eventually got to create friendships and relationships that were equally ‘low self-esteemed,’ people that would also appear as if ‘everything is fine’ and appear mostly ‘confident’ within themselves, while in fact inside we were all just quite a bit of a wreck at the time. When getting into these friendships/ relationships I thought I had found ‘my place in the world’ within the labeled ‘outcasts/ rebels’ in my reality. I guess I was willing to live like that for the rest of my life.
Through this time, I would simply accept that I had ‘low self esteem’ and in that, got along with people that could complain openly about their physical body not being fit – me saying ‘it’s fine’ – yet never daring to open up my own secretive struggle with it as well. So, the point is not to say ‘it’s fine’ or being condescending about any form or image, but getting to the point of seeing where and how we have created such an idea of ourselves – based on who/what, seeing where such values exist.
That was my ‘escaping’ point so to speak, wherein once that we see ourselves/ step ‘out of the game,’ the only thing that’s left seems to take ourselves to the extreme of such self-accepted ‘disqualification.’
Self-Acceptance as the actual physical-equalization never really crossed my mind at that stage, because of the extent that I had neglected my physical body as something I could get to appreciate.
I eventually discovered the fuel that the entire relationship entailed in order to be accepted by others. I realized that I didn’t want to be ‘liked’ for having particular looks and resorted to ‘my own style’ wherein I made sure that anyone that would be ‘interested’ in me, would not see only the image of myself, but would like me for ‘what I am’ which was what I deemed was ‘the real me’ as my mind/ ego/ personality that I had created with such detail and attention. Fascinatingly, it was doing the exact same thing that I had judged about others in terms of building a particular self-image in order to enter the market, so to speak.
In that, I used myself as a point to ‘catch’ a particular type of people like friends/ relationships and: it worked – it’s not that difficult for us to see how the system works and how to get what we want we have to become it and like-attracts-like, which is definitely how we work/ function at a mind level. In all of this, where was myself as that point of self-acceptance as my physical body? Nowhere to be found.
I lived the ‘accepted by others’ type of acceptance which eventually lead me to live in perpetual fear out of losing such people in my world, because of the idea of myself that I have built of myself toward them as that constant ‘fix’ to keep me ‘uplifted.’ This fear became unbearable at some point, I would definitely get possessed/ obsessed at an emotional level because I had not actually learned how to accept myself, be with myself, enjoy myself, alone – and for that, the last stages of that crumbling idea of myself came to a final point once I got myself into Desteni and had specific feedback of how I had belittled myself in the following words:
¨Participating in thoughts, anxiety and fear towards others ‘affairs’ – meaning making your concern about others towards you your own – always worried about ‘your place/position’ within other’s world – fighting to maintain a ‘place’ or ‘position’ in others’ world instead of being comfortable with just you here, alone within your world of you.
So – stop fighting inside yourself, being worried about what others ‘think’ of you and whether you still have a ‘place’ / ‘position’ in others’ lives from the perspective of them still ‘accepting you’, still ‘needing’ you and still ‘wanting’ you.
When are you going to start accepting you, being comfortable with you within and as you – instead of chasing after others, always existing in worry and concern of whether you still ‘fit into’ other’s lives?
Fear of being independent Marlen, fear of being comfortable with you, accepting you – still needing others to accept you, instead of you being acceptance for yourself.
This is a cool moment to share this as it’s been quite a walk after almost 4 years of this message being like a ‘bucket of cold water’ to wake up from my constant worry about this point toward people in my world in that moment. That’s when I decided step out of such relationships and began walking the process of ‘self acceptance’ wherein I experienced the ‘withdrawal symptoms’ from not getting such a ‘fix’ from such relationships, simply because they had become everything in ‘my world.’ That’s been ‘the’ point within my process wherein I neglected myself to the extent of not being able to see beyond this relationship, hence fearing the person that I was in a relationship with would find someone/ anyone else wherein I would see myself as not ‘fit enough.’
That’s how I existed in terms of depositing any form of self-acceptance only through the eyes of another, according to ‘who I was’ in their world. Ending that particular relationship was the way to ‘get back to myself’ at the beginning of the process – and the rest is history.
Walking Self Acceptance
I began applying myself in the process of standing one and equal as my physical body wherein I became aware about the secretive constant strive I would experience in relation to the judgments that I held about myself. I simply had to face this full on at some point in my process while having to openly burst out and accept the fact that I had been judging myself extensively and not really standing as one and equal as my human physical body.
That’s when I realized that I have to first accept myself as my physical body to get to that point of equalization required for any living being to be able to stand within the ‘greater picture’ as a self-realized being = equal and one. This could not possibly be done if existing within such self- judgment – and this is something that is still being walked. I mean, we have to see how we have programmed ourselves throughout our entire lives – in my case from as young as 5/6 years old wherein I became quite self-conscious about body image or my image in general, which I was never fully comfortable with throughout my life. I could say this is an ongoing process wherein the moment we write more about it, more layers open up which is cool and revealing how writing out supports in clearing up the pipes that might be clogged with memories that are still ‘there’ and not really brought up to the surface to ‘face.’ It become ‘clearer’ as we go along how we go constructing ourselves in our life according to seemingly ‘unimportant’ points that end up defining an entire façade that we end up becoming without being aware of ‘how we got till this point.’
It’s fascinating because I could see myself having judged this current culture in terms of all the effort – or even sacrifice – people take on in order to look a certain way, yet we all play that same game in one way or another, until we realize what we are doing to ourselves and stop.
Right now it’s very clear how this equalization at a physical level is that necessary self-agreement, after having had all of this struggle with myself in a quiet mode, wherein I could easily talk about others doing it, but not accepting I was living it out myself.
So, this is an ongoing process and there is nothing else to do but to walk the process of realizing that there can not be anything or anyone else that can decide ‘who we are’ or ‘what we are’ other than ourselves – and in that, we stand as beings that are no longer having to exist as a point of contrast in relation to that which we judged or avoided to become like. Instead we walk the necessary process of Self Correction in order to exist here, in simplicity – breathing, walking and dis.covering for the very first time what it is to LIVE without having to play a particular character in order to fit in.
Take this opportunity to do so as well.
Thanks for reading.