There’s one aspect that I have been more ‘keen’ to these days which is the experience of being physically around many beings, like at the movies. I actually enjoyed the point of watching the same movie with several other people in the same room – even if I went ‘by myself’ – it is also a cool way for me to not distract myself with something else or believe that I should be doing something else instead of watching films, which allows me to then focus and simply enjoy. I thought of how people would enjoy going to the movies for the sake of the whole thing about ‘going to the movies’ and sharing that moment with many others at the same time.
In the past, the ‘discomfort’ felt within going to the movies was because of thinking that it wasn’t ‘normal’ for me to go alone to the movies, and I would mostly fear people judging me or judging the fact that I was all alone while I could see all of these couples or families around. However at that time, I simply took the judgment as a point of definition and turned such point as ‘pride’ within ‘going alone to the movies’ instead of taking the point through an actual self-correction process wherein it is now through stopping the backchat toward myself and activities I do alone, that I am able to actually start living the sheer physical-aspect of being in a movie theatre with many other beings. I noticed how even having people sitting next to me would become an excuse to bring up thoughts according to sensing ‘liking/ disliking’ the being. This time I stopped the thoughts and brought my focus and attention here – breathing and taking all beings equally – eventually what I see is that through stopping such judgments as separation from others beings, you literally integrate your surrounding as yourself – one and equal – there’s no reaction and the point of focus becomes the movie in itself. Took some time though to get to this point while watching the movie.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear being seen ‘alone’ at the movies
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ‘feel’ that the person next to me is a ‘cool person’ and judging another one as ‘annoying’ just because of him making noises with some wrap.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel uncomfortable within the theatre when ‘unknown people’ sit next to me because of considering it as an ‘uncomfortable moment’ due to the judgments I create about this point in my head, projecting such ‘discomfort’ as ‘how I perceive the others also experience the moment’ within themselves.
When and as I see myself getting uncomfortable when sitting next to a stranger, I stop and I breathe – I realize that I am only assessing such ‘discomfort’ at a thought level wherein I am going into my mind to ‘judge the being’ instead of actually realizing we are human beings, sharing the same space just as we share this entire world with one another.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear proximity with strangers which is simply indicating that I have judged contact/ physical approach as something that is ‘invading my privacy’ which is another point that is created out of fear wherein we only want this ‘space’ for ourselves.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as this ‘aversion toward unknown people’ which lead me to seclude myself in the past, simply because of not wanting to interact in public places with other beings, such as the movies.
I’ve been visiting my family for the past week, I’ve had a cool time doing stuff I don’t usually do like running around with kids at my niece’s first year b-day party. I attended a baptism mass wherein I simply spent my time taking pictures and communicating.
I enjoyed playing with kids at my niece’s party, I let go of any backchat that emerged at the beginning with thoughts like ‘oh what will people say about me running around with 5 year olds?’ As soon as I saw the limitation, I simply did it. It was quite a big party and I actually was glad to see some people that I had not seen for some years, probably since the last wedding I attended, which was my sister’s wedding back in 2008. I never thought I would be glad and actually enjoy seeing people from the past – family and friends of the family.
Later on I got to know that I was playing with children from my sister’s friends whom I have known for over a decade, it was quite interesting to see how I didn’t even know most of the kids. They are the only ones that dare to ask about my hair and strike conversations about stuff that matters, like how they experience their teachers in school or relationships with their siblings. As we grow up, we create these barriers wherein we ‘learn’/ are told ‘what to share’ and ‘what not to share’ simply because of considering it as ‘too private to share’ and in that, limit our ability to open up and share with others what we are actually experiencing in our lives.
I also spent some time with my cousins, it’s been cool to walk a process of having been quite judgmental two years ago toward their teenage-years – I decided to establish communication with them within and it’s been cool the very few times that we get to see each other. I had fun while making some photos with them, at least that kept them away from simply being sitting around with iPhones and iPods on. I also enjoyed being out of the city and spending time running around, taking pictures and talking with kids, teenagers and adults alike. That is what I see it’s actually fun now. I’ve learned so much just from being open to talk to people that I had thought ‘we had nothing to talk about’ in the past, such as an uncle, from whom I’ve learned about some of the gun policies here in Mexico, as well as the production of potatoes and all the pesticides they require in order to have the picture-perfect presentation, and how to know when meat contains this component that enables the tissue to retain water and once you fry it, the meat shrinks because all water is then evaporated. I was able to cross-reference some studies on milk as well with my cousin that is a biologist and soon also a psychologist, and it was quite cool.
We’ve become so image driven that even our food goes through extensive chemical processes in order to have the picture-perfect presentation – how abusive have we become to do this onto ourselves as our physical body and also do it onto our food, not really caring about the actual nutritional aspect of it once that it is genetically modified and sprayed multiple times throughout its growth only to get a ‘presentable’ potato.
Besides everything that I was able to learn just by this ‘openness’ that I have placed into action, I have realized how my perspective toward other people changes the moment that I stop judging them within the same ‘frame’ that I used to see them through. I have deliberately taken on the point of stopping the immediate judgment because this is something that I had known for some years, however for some reason the moment that I heard it from someone that had been judged indiscriminately while being on Earth like Gaddafi, it certainly shook my being to the core wherein I am definitely walking the application of stopping all automated judgment.
And this is the point that I wanted to get at here. It takes quite a diligent process to actually apply Self Honesty within our day to day living, it is so easy to slip into the mind at any given moment. However, experiences are not able to last for long.