2012 Hell-o self-creation


I have created this pattern of carrying myself in a specific way when I am alone walking on the streets. I tend to see people as part of this game wherein I have to go evading them or passing them by as fast as I can, wherein my aim is simply a self-created race against time. This ‘rushing’ pattern is what I’ve been working with and taking on within a specific Mind Construct on the Desteni I Process  and it’s been great to be able to test these points while being around my father – from whom I took this application from very specific moments like ‘going to the supermarket’ and creating and developing an entire self-religion of efficiency around ‘going fast.’


I have realized how the single act of ‘walking fast’ is in essence accumulated backchat wherein every single reaction, any mind-refraction is a moment that I stopped being here in the physical and went into the mind to judge something/ someone or the moment in itself. Walking fast contains the thought pattern of ‘the least amount of time someone has to see me/ has time to judge me = the better’ – and this had become so ingrained within me that it is now that I am working with it. I had a tendency to want to hide because of judging myself, my appearance and that’s also how within shaving my head, the hair-curtain that I would keep covering half of my face was removed = I have no place to hide. It’s fascinating to see how when walking in this mind-pattern, I tend to hunch more and walk faster, it’s as if I was being chased by something/ someone.


So, it’s quite simple: we fear being judged because we have judged ourselves and others as well – we fear doing to each other what we do onto others.


Just as it’s been said before, thoughts won’t stop coming, we are the ones that must stop participating until such thoughts don’t emerge at all, because we have stopped them even before they rear their head, so to speak.


‘Facing ourselves’ means having to deal and walk through this process by having the thoughts that we programmed as ‘who we are’ in our past. So, in essence, accessing the mind to think is me-thinking-myself the way that I programmed myself in the past. That’s how within being Self Honest in the moment, we realize that such thought has no  actual physical-relevance here, as it was part of the ego that I created within myself in the past in order to, for example, be able to think myself as ‘better than’ others by creating a continuous criticism toward people that I deemed as dumb, as sheep or brainwashed – and this would be just regular people walking down the streets. Yes, I existed in such a constant ‘irritable state’ toward people/ the world – the physical portrayal of this has become so ingrained that I am working on this as I walk and make sure my facial muscles are relaxed and not frowning or appearing to be worried all the time, which is another aspect that has become ‘me’ at a physical level.


When walking this process and realizing myself as the elitist-mind I had become, as the accumulated judgments that I have gathered through this life experience, it wasn’t a pretty thing. I realized how everything that I had judged in the past of others ‘doing to others’ I was in fact living out as myself in my own mind, where no one could hear the continuous judgment I was imposing onto any human being.


Facing myself within this context is now being able to see what type of thoughts emerge within me, thoughts that I used to participate-in before – and that’s how they are a ‘tool’ once that we see the nature of these thoughts and the entire play-out with them that we get to realize and understand through walking our own thoughts, patterns and habits within this process.


I realize what we have accepted and allowed ourselves to become as thinking-robots that repeat the same output by identifying a particular set-up as the input. Our mind, our reality, our relationships becomes a point of support to see how on Earth we have accepted and allowed ourselves to be and become that which you or anyone else have created within and without as this reality. It is a perfect mirror that we all dislike looking at.  This is how only through stopping the continuous judgment and categorizations through our thoughts can we equalize ourselves to the physical reality.

“When stepping from YOUR DARKNESS into YOUR LIGHT you will react with fear towards YOUR ALLOWED TRUTH. As you become aware of your existence as POLARITY, you will eventually see the illusion of energy. Your process of MIND POLARITY is not THE REALITY and eventually you will realise that you must give up both YOUR DARKNESS and YOUR LIGHT to return to THE REALITY as life, as what is best for all.”
Bernard Poolman



Yesterday I woke up with quite a dreary experience and I saw the accumulation of thoughts for what they were – it took me some hours from the moment I woke up to snap out of it. Essentially walking through the experience and speaking self-forgiveness out loud so that I could walk-out my inner-tantrum.


I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to wake up and go into a ‘despondent’ experience toward the day and myself, which lead me to wanting to sleep early the day before.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a despondent experience within me as a result of the accumulation of backchat wherein I procrastinated facing the thoughts that are generating this experience within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wake up in a ‘grieving’ mode wherein I am frowning and feeling like there is no point in anything at all while existing in such thinking pattern.


Some words that resonated within me today is how it is when we don’t stick to the physical reality that shirt emerges – this was something that I got from something Bernard said recently. The moment we ‘feel lost,’ we can know we lost track our physical reality and you can only expect to remain ‘stuck’ in it by fueling it with more thoughts in our mind. This is what requires to be stopped.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wake up within an entire ‘dreadful’ experience wherein everything seems to be ‘heavier’ to do and move myself through, which is only the accumulation of backchat as judgments toward myself as an experience and the world.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get lost in the thought of having to remain as a human being for the remainder of my existence, with no way out of it.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will remain stuck in the patterns of ‘wanting to escape’ and not wanting to face reality today, wanting to go back into bed to not face the world. 


It becomes really difficult for me to deceive myself, it’s almost like impossible to actually do so for a prolonged period of time – though it’s a real self-willed action that I take on in order to move, like a literal push and this becomes then the way to carry myself throughout the day, as a ‘having to push’ instead of simply supporting myself to keep it practical here, in the moment.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as despondent the moment that I talk about creating a new system and have people saying that it will simply not work and it will be impossible for it to be a reality.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear remaining stuck in this ‘idea’ of being able to do it, without realizing that it cannot be shared as an ‘idea’ but has to be lived by anyone that is actually willing to walk the process of self-honesty to realize what walking life by a principle is actually the way to start disengaging from the past limitations that exist as our mind.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that humanity won’t ever change, that I won’t ever integrate myself fully into a living-pattern of being constant and consistent, without realizing that this fear is only indicating to me where I have to work more with myself in order to be disciplined and take responsibility for myself.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow my inner experience override common sense as the physical experience of myself here, as a being that is willing to live = having no thoughts about living, but simply living.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘think’ reality instead of living it.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project ‘worry’ and thoughts about people that I perceive are suffering while seeing them on the streets, which is only a mental experience of ‘compassion’ that is not actually taking on the point of experience and directing myself to see where and how I can actually contribute to an overall well-being, which begins with me simply stopping projecting onto others what I perceive them to be like.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear remaining in this existence forever – I forgive myself to judge this point as ‘having gone through it before’ yet because it’s here I apply self-forgiveness for it, because I cannot say ‘I’m done with it’ because it has emerged today.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having to remain in an existence that is mostly hell for all.

“Hell is mind
Heaven is mind
Life is here
I am walking myself back Here”

Andreas Wittmann

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that I am the only one creating such ‘hell’ inside myself as the mind – the same with any temporary heaven that can be created with ‘nice fluffy thoughts.’ Life is Here, Life doesn’t require to be thought, Life cannot be thought. And this is how once again, we walk ourselves out of our mood-doom into the physical reality that is here, where I breathe and stop participating in thoughts as future projections of ‘what might be,’ simply because they are irrelevant to the reality that is here as the moment. We can only go that far within being masochistic enough to keep ‘loading’ the same thoughts that we already know where they will lead us to.


Thus we walk, here – stopping and letting go.


“Neither light nor darkness will remain once ego is transcended.” Bernard Poolman



Great support for these points:

2012: Why is Change so Difficult???

2012: Mind-Challenges Faced with Sleeping





About Marlen

I share my realizations and perspectives within learning how to live life in self-honesty in the Desteni Process to expand and grow as a person in this world. #IMatter View all posts by Marlen

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