Day 4–Lugubrious Romantic

The word implies that which I have identified with before as an ‘artist’ and the usual miserable/ victimized experience that I created for myself within this particular ‘view’ upon life. That in itself implies having a constant ‘filter’ through which I would view the world, with a sense of despair and hopelessness which has taken me quite a while to stop as I participate in my world. It even became like a constant facial expression as if something troubled me, concerned me or worried me too much,  a constant sense of apprehension toward reality. This eventually became part of what I would write, draw, paint and specifically my inner experience while taking photographs, always a sense of ‘nostalgia’ lol – quite the usual personality-fix for a tormented personality.

I watched a vlog that I made on being a ‘visual vicious’ and I realized how much I had resisted facing this point due to the ‘hold’ I created toward it as ‘my personality’ as ‘my specialness’ – which is now here, opened up and ready to be debunked again.

 

The word ‘Romance’ came up at the Forum and I decided to investigate the meaning of it further. I found the following definition which resonated with what I had ‘lived as’ throughout my life, and that I am still walking-through when it comes to a daily interaction with my environment and the experience of myself while doing so.

Romance:
a quality or feeling of mystery, excitement, and remoteness from everyday life.

 

And I also found Adam’s blog Getting Down from High to be dwelling around the same point, which I found quite supportive in order to see the ‘value’ aspect that I had given to this particular way of ‘seeing reality’ and cutting the crap of it for the sake of Stopping giving values and seeking specialness outside of ourselves as ‘how we view the world’

 

What had been right in front of me as this spot of distraction and preoccupation had been this unseen and fearful judgement of myself as worthlessness, having visions of validation as something special, this sparkling treasure of the wasteland. – Adam Closs

 

I really laughed while reading this because that’s what I became when seeking anything to ‘beautify’ through my ‘glorious eye’ by taking pictures of something, and I would go through phases of regret when not having a camera with me while seeing something that ‘would make a great picture.’ Then this goes with the thoughts of being able to share the pictures on my photoblog and having people writing poems over it, lol! That’s how it worked some 5 years ago. I have diminished my obsession with ‘capturing moments’ by taking thousands of photos,  however the experience that I created around looking at the world and everything around me with some sense of ‘awe’ became quite ingrained in my reality. This would be a constant experience within me wherein I would solace to see the world as something that could ‘drain me’ and ‘overwhelm me’ – essentially seeking sublimation even by seeing a ‘beautiful sunset’ every day. I remember – and I have shared this experience before-  how I would be amazed at a particular time of the day where the sun shone upon some weeds at the farm, something similar to this:

 

 

and I was walking with Sunette before horses in that moment and I let her know how I would experience myself while seeing the whole landscape, how I would experience that ‘glow’ on the plants as something overwhelming somehow. She explained to me how I could simply ‘be here’ as the flowers, as the glow, as the entire moment without creating an experience about it. And that was a very cool lesson for me in that moment to see I had created a point of separation by adding judgments to ‘beautify’ and place more ‘value’ on plants according to the time of the day and how the sun would shine upon them.

 

I actually had two moments during the same day – two days ago – of wanting to have a camera with me as I went past a dead rat and a dead black cat on the sides of the road I usually walk around. In that moment there was a desire to ‘take a picture of it’ – it became so ingrained within me to want to ‘take a picture of it’ that I had to literally force myself to continue walking and stop staring at the dead animals while thinking ‘I can go get my camera, but there’s not gonna be enough light then’  and I simply decided to let it go, I had to say to myself: ‘alright, I let it go’ and in my mind there’s like this ‘nooo!’ because of ‘missing out a great shot’ – yet it was cool to actually let the moment go by.

 

It was also interesting to see how when I was on my way back, the rat had been squashed open, which made me ponder ‘if I had taken that picture, I would have gotten the perfect shot without all the viscera and blood pouring out, and one with the ‘aftershock.’ I kept walking and gave a second and final glance to the cat lying on the side of the road. I mean, who created such an obsession to take photos in such a compulsive manner? I did! So, I am physically letting go of that desire to ‘capture it all’ – otherwise I would have thousands of pictures as that desire to engulf reality into a series of two-dimensional picture representations that have never equated the actual sight and reality of it. One picture won’t ever hold the actual essence of the moment, which is always here, as ourselves, and doesn’t require to be held for posterity charged with some nostalgia in it.

It’s quite interesting, I just wrote a blog about validation and this ‘value’ that we seek for in any other way than life itself. This mechanism of wanting to ‘capture the moment’ is certainly a way to ‘cherish the moment’ which is how I would define taking pictures to be. Making something ‘more’ than what it is by my ‘godly act’ of taking a picture of it and pondering it for others to see.
Now, this doesn’t mean that that has to stop obviously, but it’s definitely cool to debunk this entire perception of reality and simplify it to share it for what it is and stop all experiences around it.

“I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in arrogance and spite by committing myself to and as my own judgement according to my own world of energy and self-interest.”  Adam Closs

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever accept and allow myself to define me as a visual vicious

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to want to preserve, capture and ‘cherish’ a moment by taking photographs in order to satisfy the experiences that I have created and separated myself from while diminishing a moment of life, here as breath, to a single energetic experience of ‘fulfillment’ within the frame of ‘who I am’ as having a particular curiosity toward that which I see in my reality, not realizing that the moment that I stop breathing and go into a desire to capture it, I am separating myself from that which I see and use it to get an energetic fix that satisfies my senses within the definition of who I am and have become as – I see resistance to say it – a romantic, as that experience of excitement when encountering something that is ‘out of the ordinary,’ creating a energetic experience that I tend to cling on to, in order to ‘make the experience last.’

 

I realize that I have separated myself from that which I see and that I can only create a point of specialness toward that which I see according to me valuing life in separate ways wherein what I see can be ‘more’ or ‘less than’ according to how I have ‘rated’ my reality according to aesthetic values in separation of Life as who I am

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ever get pissed off at art theory classes when talking about beauty and the sublime and believing that they were ‘raping reality’ by placing it into categories according to the human experience imprinted onto reality, as that which is here, without realizing that I was still living this point as myself when wanting to capture certain points of my reality from the starting point of glorifying it and having others glorifying it and perpetuate the eternal mindfucks we have created and imposed on to life as our own mind-frames onto that which is unconditional life-expression here.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imprint my own desires to generate an experience in accordance to that which I deem ‘beautiful’ or ‘overwhelming’ as the experience that I have allowed myself to trigger from seeing and observing the reality that is here, that I have separated myself from in the name of becoming only the ‘eye’ that observes, that defines, that categorizes and that is able to generate an experience out of it.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to experience aloofness and wanderlust whenever  I would go walking through a certain place and environment while holding my camera, which would validate my experience of being excited and with a sense of mystery in relation to what I would find to take photographs of, encapsulating the entire event as part of my own ‘mystical experiences’ that I generated within my mind throughout my life.

 

I realize that I am in fact separating myself from that which I see the moment that I create an energetic experience that I allowed myself to become addicted to whenever I am interacting with everything and everyone in my reality, in any given moment, and seek for ‘the perfect framing’ of it as a photograph in my mind, without realizing that this can only exist as a quirk that satisfies the personality that I created for myself as the ‘romantic observer of life.’

 

I realize how I am making more of something that I have literally separated myself from, that I am mental-i-zing it by ‘making it beautiful’ without actually considering the relationships that everything and everyone – including nature, the animal kingdom, the environment – are currently existing as in order to exist in a particular way, which is certainly not nice, not pretty and is rather abusive in all possible ways to create an experience out of anything that we See.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having become infatuated with creating experiences out of seeing a sunset, seeing a dead animal, seeing the seemingly ‘ugly’ and trying to make it ‘special’ which can only be an overall and full-circle mindfuck, as I am the one that is judging and creating/ making of them something ‘more’ than who I am here – as breath.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself for having desired to create a point of specialness within me as having this ‘particular way of looking at life’ and creating a ‘sensitivity’ toward it as a mind experience wherein I would feel excited and whimsical when being in an environment wherein I wanted to engulf reality into a two-dimensional picture in order to satisfy my desire to ‘own’ the picture that I see through my eyes, not realizing that this is in fact me wanting to ‘ponder’ it above everything else in this reality that I have separated myself from.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to reinforce this particular ‘view’ upon life which is creating an experience of excitement and bewilderment and acting in a whimsical way as to identify myself as ‘someone special that sees life with a different view’ which is what became props for my ‘artistic ego’ and that I used to reinforce the personality and idea of myself as being somewhat ‘gifted’ to be able to take photographs and show to others that which would be seemingly trivial for the majority of people.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create and construct myself as the idea of someone that is ‘different’ and ‘special’ for being able to find ‘pleasure’ in the seemingly trivial instances in our reality, without realizing that such pleasure and bewilderment was created within my mind to reinforce the idea of me being ‘eccentric’ and ‘out of this world’ and ‘special’ by being able to see that which others seemed to overlook all the time.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to develop my personality as the ‘moment capturer’ to such an extent that it is able to drive myself to do anything possible to fulfill my obsession to capture a moment, wherein I completely miss the awareness of myself as my physical body, and become an energetic experience that seeks to be satisfied up until the moment of having it in my memory card, ready to be shared with ‘others’ to get the necessary confirmation that validates what I see as something ‘beautiful’ or ‘special’ or ‘great.’

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse what I see in the name of my own ego, which is how we have abused and depleted each other in this reality by getting an energetic experience from others in the name of our own pleasure and excitement and satisfaction, without realizing the actual nature of that which we see as ‘beautiful’ which is only a label that we have created in order to have something ‘ugly’ in this world. It is unacceptable to continue being life-taggers, in separation of everything and everyone that we interact with.

 

I realize that for me to continue stopping my participation in creating an experience out of seeing dead animals to take photographs of, I must stop my participation in the idea of me being able to find beauty where others see ‘morbidity’ and that whenever I see myself reacting/ creating an experience when encountering a dead animal or anything else that ‘captures my attention,’ I stop and I breathe – I bring myself back to the physical and do not allow myself to create an experience, a judgment and opinion upon that which I see. Instead I embrace it as myself, I amalgamate as my physical body to not distract me from keeping breathing, walking, doing and in that, stop the rush and seemingly uncontrollable desire to ‘capture the moment.’

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever experience resistance to let go of this idea of being ‘the artist’ that sees life in a ‘different and special way’ which is only part of the personality that I used to seclude myself from the Actual events and Actual reality that is existing here as suffering and continuous abuse, while indulging myself in these ‘fluffy’ experience that I dared to create out of that which would be usually deemed as ‘morbid’ or ‘macabre’ and in that,

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become the experiences that I create within my mind out of that which trigger a point of preference and identification as the personality that I have built, existing with ‘particular preference’ that never considered that all that is here as life is me – one and equal – and that I can only ponder something and create an experience out something or someone if I exist in separation of myself, as-it as well.

I realize that the only moment that I exist is here as breath, and that taking photographs is a possibility for myself as long as I do not create an experience that enhances my self-definition as the perceived ‘specialness’ and ‘weird’ preferences that I created and enhanced throughout time in order to be ‘eccentric’ and ‘out of the ordinary’ by taking that which would be seemingly morbid and wanting to make it something beautiful

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having created a fascination with death to the extent of using the moment of breath as life here in order to create an energetic experience out of seeing a dead animal, that which is in decay, that which is rotten, that which is deconstructing. All aspects are points that I have used to define ‘who I am’ and ‘what I alike’ which is controlling the way that I see, judge, define and value the reality in separation of myself.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to defend my voyeuristic experience of the unconditional expression of life and the dead by saying that ‘I see beauty where others don’t’ lol which is quite a statement of the glorification of ‘the eye of the mind’ as being ‘beyond’ how others see reality, without realizing that I am the only one that is separating myself from that which I see through filtering reality with this romantic view on life and the physical reality that I am equal and one to.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a fascination out of that which I see, including that which would usually be terrifying like the shape and form of an atomic bomb, the gigantic waves of a tsunami, the smoke from explosions, fire burning down the woods, water flooding an entire city, tornadoes devastating areas, demolished buildings, old houses, death people on the highways, dead animals on the pavement and anything that resonates with death and destruction alike in a visual way.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually experience resistance when realizing that I must let go of this fascination for decay which is an aspect that many people experience, yet  we don’t dare to express that it actually ‘turns us on’ in a certain excitement and ‘sublimation’ when looking at it.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ever create a ‘pleasant experience’ out looking at something that is usually considered as repulsive when it comes to death and destruction.

 

I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to overlook this experience within me because of deeming it as ‘not relevant’ to who I am, without realizing that it actually comprises my constant ‘state of being’ when I exist as the eye of the mind that seeks for these experience in every corner that I go looking at while walking and interacting in my reality.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to degrade a physical experience of myself here as life, into a mental experience within a mix of emotions and feelings wherein I am in fact separating myself from that which I see and make it ‘more’ than myself in that moment.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seduce myself to take a picture of something from the starting point of an experience, instead of actually realizing that I can take pictures without having an entire personality and energetic experiences loaded while doing so.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value something as ‘special’ when it is usually not considered as such within the general terms and preference of a ‘majority,’ which implies that within these ‘particular’ and ‘bizarre’ and ‘weird’ preferences, I created a deliberate antagonism to that which is usually/ generally deemed as grotesque/ macabre and disturbing, which is part of the entire personality I created as a way to go ‘against the flow’ in means of separating myself from ‘the rest’ and ‘elevating’ myself to a point of specialness according to ‘how I see reality,’ without realizing that it is the exact same mindfuck as anyone else that seeks beauty, love and happiness. I would get a kick out of tragedy, death and destruction.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to enhance my energetic experience by using images of this reality as a point of ‘artistic stimulation’ which is usually called ‘inspiration’ which is just a preprogrammed piece that I separated myself from to be constantly creating a sense of ‘bewilderment’ about life and death, and every other phenomena in order to make it ‘more’ than myself, which can only exist as a mind experience within me.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to get ‘high’ on that which I see in my every day living when deeming it as beautiful and special and ‘great’ in the visual sense of my experience toward this reality.

 

I commit myself to stop all mental separation and experiences created from the mindfucks that I have accepted and allowed myself to create in the name of my own experience, singling myself out as in being able to create a pleasant visual experience out of that which would usually not be considered ‘pleasant to the view’ at all.

 

I realize that all of this is just part of what I have created within myself in order to keep me distracted and entertained in my mind, no different to anyone that solaces on love and light or gets intoxicated to experience ‘the world’ in a different way. I realize that I have done this every time that I accepted and allowed myself to shift the reality of the physical moment into a mental-experience of feelings and emotions within myself.

When and as I see myself being fascinated by the sight of a dead animal on the road, I stop and I breathe – I realize that it is only me and my desire to reinforce the idea of myself as ‘liking such sights of life/death’ as a preference that is activating the entire personality as the ‘lugubrious romantic,’ that I am in fact able to stop to not recreate an experience out of it and get a certain satisfaction from, without realizing that it is the ultimate egotistical creating of myself as ‘an observer’ and seeing myself as detached from that which I become fascinated by, which a form of vampirism that I have created while masking it in the name of art and beauty and ‘creativity.’

 

I realize that any experience or judgment that may come up at the moment for me having to realize what I have found pleasure on, is absolutely unnecessary – I forgive myself and I am able to let go of it, as I commit myself to simply stop all delusions in my mind projected onto that which I see as my physical reality.

 

I commit myself to stop all infatuation and fascination to that which I tend to become obsessed and completely ‘taken over’ in a single moment that I define that which I see in my every day living as something that I could ‘take a picture of,’ and completely forget about realizing that such desire to keep ‘memories’ is quite the function of the mind to continue reinforcing the definition of myself within a limited personality as ‘the artist’ with a particular ‘tastes in life.’

Wtf are ‘tastes in life’? Only layers of mental-delusions imposed onto life. Unacceptable.

 

I commit myself to realize that the only point I can allow myself to define as a creative experience, is not to become a voyeur of life, but become that which considers the actual relationships and reality of everything that I see ‘outside of myself’ and instead, look at how I have separated myself from that which I see and how I can become that which is able to manifest a world wherein expressions no longer drive our ‘human curiosity’ as a desire to make something ‘more’ than the rest by my own mind, but instead consider the actual expression that I am able to equalize myself-to when stopping the mind and simply allowing myself to be here as breath as I go seeing reality, regardless of how I have ‘tagged’ and categorized that which I see.

I continue the commitment that I’ve been walking in stopping the ‘visual vicious’ that I have accepted and allowed myself to become, and actually consider that creating an experience out of seeing dead animals is a preprogrammed fascination with ‘death’ that I accepted and allowed to drive my creative-expression with to reinforce an idea of myself as liking that which is ‘macabre,’ which is only abusing the same unconditional expression through categories as preferences I created within my own mind.

 

I commit myself to actually honor all life equally which begins by me stopping creating experiences from that which I see in separation of myself, and instead walk a process of integration – not separation – from that which I see to start considering how I exist as such expressions and how I am able to consider their actual experience as part of this reality, which is far more constructive in a best for all way, rather than solacing in experiences when looking at something.

 

To read further on other points I have walked as this particular personality suit check out the following blogs:

• Hey Nostradamus! – Personality suit exposed

• 2012 Death and Destruction

• colors

 

Vlog:

2008 Visual Vicious

 

And Adam’s blog: Getting Down from High

Dare to See  (2011)

 

Further support on Self Forgiveness:

Bernard Poolman: Day 3: Resistance to Change