Day 12: Goodbye Self-Deprecation

I share about the (cool/ awesome/ astounding/ flabbergasting) realization that has been brewing these past days and weeks. I had merely opened up the self-image point a few days ago in Day 8: My body is Not an Image and Anu was sharing about this point in a recent interview (Reptilians – The Human Picture – Part 25) about how such image that we hold about ourselves, occupies the entirety of our moment as ‘who we are,’ which is then walking/ “living” as a constant image that implies this is ‘how’ we interact with each other and the world: according to how I have allowed myself to create such image and the plethora of memories as words with experiences that I have kept in order to give myself an identity, a meaning, a value – all in separation of the simplicity of life as who we really are.

 

I’ve been in a process of realizing – as a direct result of being hearing Anu’s mind blowing interviews – how we are keeping ourselves entertained with this diluted energy that we call emotions, feelings and thoughts, which was a point that marked a difference in my experience toward any bit of fixation I had created toward something or someone. I realized to what extent I was diminishing myself and occupying my mind with bullshit. It really was a turning point – and it’s been probably over a month now from that point which was opened up in one of the first interviews of his series; it is absolutely pointless wasting breaths going in cycles around the points that we already know are Not beneficial at all. Becoming this character out of habit is only confirming that we are willing to abuse life in order to keep our masochism ‘alive’ – unacceptable, even more so when we are fully aware of these mechanisms and have heard nothing else but: stop participating in your mind!

 

As I walked and realized this, I said to myself that I must share this with the world, because COME ON! How on Earth can we continue living being preoccupied with each other and fearing being judged and judging ourselves for what we believe is cute or ugly or whatnot! I mean what the fuck? That is and should be left as what it is, as part of our past as the robots we accepted and allowed ourselves to be and become in the name of some mirage of personal glory– we’ve done it Enough times already in our eternal cycles, being busy with the same bullshit over and over and over again. This is the time to Stop it for once and for all.

 

It is Not necessary to continue At All in allowing a single iota of self-judgment that may rear in the back of our head. Now, I realize that this is easily said and that there is an absolute process to walk to actually live it, but by placing the ‘cards straight on the table’ I create a point of reference for myself and others equally reading this, to support themselves to see this as straightforward and as simple as it is. I commit myself to make it known to what extent we are abusing life just to keep our mind-realm of self-abuse alive, the perfect trap that we all accepted as the usual ‘misery’ in life – come on! How can LIFE be miserable? Only our experience as the mind, as an individualized and separated perception that emerged through friction can think that – how can we trust something that is lit up just with the flick of a switch, like a light bulb? It is really as simple as stopping all participation in such pet peeves, because these thoughts can come up as ‘casual’ as anything else, and they are accepted because we have all tacitly agreed that ‘Oh well, this life’s got its ups and downs, and nothing can ever work out well and it’s best to only live your life to the max and die happily with tons of memories in your memory-card’ No way.

 

We cannot possibly – at this stage and having the opportunity to birth ourselves as life in this life – continue existing with such massive self-inflicted limitations.

 

It takes time to get to a point like this, it’s taken us our entire existence for ‘god’ knows how long and we cannot possibly fuck it all up this time because of wanting to remain as and continue preserving our mental masochism that can only ‘run’ if the physical is abused. How many times have we judged/ criticized people that extract natural resources from the Earth indiscriminately? I have, tons of times- did I ever accept myself as an equal abuser? Hell no, I did not even consider it that way – I was more on the side of ‘save the planet’ while being constantly judging myself or generating depressions just to have something to create an experience about in my mind toward the idea of myself.

 

This is how, again, the Desteni material, the current interviews are the best gifts you could ever possibly give to yourself – nothing is as ‘worthy’ as realizing that we can in fact Do This – and I haven’t ever been ‘this certain’ in my life before – or my existence, probably – and by this I don’t mean certain of a particular outcome/result, but certain as self-acceptance, as confidence that I am – slowly but surely being accepting as myself, getting myself Here and hearing the words that I probably have always longed to hear to stop my personal infatuation for once and for all.

 

Stopping participation is then not an experience, I’ve noticed how the less I feed my obsessions, the less they remain, the less I participate in immediate judgments, the easier it is to face myself for ‘what I am’ without adding the layers of judgments to it. Living this way is like a constant filter, the Self Honesty filter, because what remains in the moment is what I see and realize I am able to apply/ use/ implement as Self-Support which means is one and equal no matter from whom or where I take it from – I see and realize that all that will eventually remain is only that which is able to be lived and applied by others as equals. This means that the character/ idea of myself won’t remain, that all memories, pictures, ideas that I have believed myself to be are not real and will not remain as it is Not who I really am. What remains is myself here as the presence and essence of that which I am made of, the substance that exists here without requiring me to have/ load an archive of pictures, experiences and memories to define myself every moment that I can instead simply be and exist here.

 

I’ve slowed myself down not even within a ‘desire’ or ‘wanting to slow down,’ but simply by deliberately becoming  aware of myself, which I have been experiencing for the past weeks as like an alien on my own two feet. I’ve walked in this body for a quarter of century and I can probably say that I am only now beginning to appreciate my body for the first time. I‘ve got a lifetime of constant and silent self-deprecation on my back, through having judged my physical appearance and myself – as ‘everyone else does,’ which is unacceptable from each other, really – I am walking the acceptance that I see is here as myself within the understanding of how much I had blinded – blind-dead – myself from myself-here the obvious point missed. If you are not thinking-yourself, what remains is Living As yourself – by yourself it is to be understood as the physical body that is flesh, bones, the blood flowing that is constantly moving and we had blinded ourselves from even experiencing that constant flow within ourselves – there can be no judgment/experience in that, it jus is and it becomes an obvious abuse the moment that we fly away to feed the old habits.

 

This is also an aspect of the application of taking on ‘one single point’ that I’ve been applying on a daily basis which is: stopping judgments toward people on the streets or around me. This is stopping all the automated ‘profiling’ wherein I immediately scan a person and can ‘imagine’ their life and what they are all about. So, I’ve been aware of how some thoughts are just automatically ‘there’ and how I have to go by without me participating in it in any way. I must extend that now to things and animals that I encounter, not placing any emphasis when seeing cats or dogs, which is then also creating an experience within myself toward them.

 

It’s just like the point that I described in lugubrious romantic. Every single day after I wrote that blog, I’ve seen a dead animal or bird – mostly birds – on the pavement – I’m not joking here: every single day. In those moments I’ve then walked the words that I had scripted, and it wasn’t just ‘once’ that I could stop it, and it’s gone. The point emerging everyday makes it very obvious on how this is about walking as a constant and consistent stopping, a living self forgiveness wherein the subsequent days I had to continue not participating/ engaging into the ‘moment capturer’ personality, as the ingrained aspect of the personality I would charge up within the entire idea of myself while using the Earth’s resources to keep myself in such personal fixations as the ‘usual’  fleeting possessed moments I would get by being ‘ecstatic’ looking at something.

 

It doesn’t really matter how much ‘value’ I had given to this point of being ‘fascinated’ by what I see, it’s about the recognition of the ability to stop, regardless of ‘what it is.’ Anu spoke about pictures and even taking pictures which made me laugh for a moment on my application within that which I had also walked in the afore mentioned blog, yet made it even blunter how I could not deny the fact that we have to simply stop playing re-runs of our personalities every time – it’s an old story, it’s limited, it’s constricted, we know where it begins – because we give it the first go – and we know where it ends, because all highs eventually come to low; yet we have developed a relationship with such definitions that we feared losing such definitions lol, it’s like someone that doesn’t want to go out of jail even if their penitence has ended. Are we that self abusive?

 

Yes, we have been – that’s the stark reality. And this makes it even more clear that we have to absolutely walk this process to let go of all the unnecessary baggage that is only limiting ourselves – how ludicrous, but I’ll stop judging this through amazement on this, it’s simply a realization of how the end of me as the limited idea/belief/perception built and nicely-wrought as this personality that we have all invested our ‘best interest’ in, must go in order for the actual living in Equality to emerge – not as an experience, not as a want, not as a need, not as a desire to ‘be more’ of course – it is the simplest form of acceptance that is able to be embraced here in every breath that I take – it is really that simple to go establishing ourselves here. We determine it= we can live it.  It is absolutely in our hands to do so. We’ve got to turn off the ‘spotlight’ on us in believing that all eyes are always fixating on us, or that we are the ‘main characters’ in this story – that’s just self interest, that’s just the world revolving ‘around me,’ and in that application missing the entire world because of placing something above the rest. Unacceptable.

We are here to stop that forevermore, simply because we have missed the actual living that is as simple as breathing here – no more mindfucks.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to waste my breaths here by having spent time accumulating memories, pictures, experiences as ‘who I am,’ and believing that this would be what gives me ‘identity’ and ‘value’ as a person, which is how I invested upon such experiences as energetic personalities that I carefully wrought and quilted as ‘who I am,’ according to the desires, wants and needs that I wanted to fulfill in my world, whatever ‘road’ they would imply, it was still following and desiring that which would apparently ‘make me feel happy,’ which is then how

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to live as this ‘me’ that has existed as only a few purposes in life that were aiming to fulfill and ‘achieve’ the ultimate happiness, which became the only way that I could see this life could make ‘any sense,’ which is why I accepted and allowed this world ‘as is’ within the belief, perception that there could be ‘something more’ for us in store after we die, after we have gone through our living peripeteia and eventually ‘win’ something that could mean an eternal satisfaction, which can only be created because of the inherent acceptance and allowance of existing As separation from self as one and equal.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to live within such a mind-possession for such a long time, and for all the past lives that I have spent fixated on myself, my image, my personality, my wants, my needs, my desires that were only ‘there’ to keep me occupied and that I accepted as a form of ‘living’ while missing the actual living in every single moment that I would rather create myself an experience through emotions and feelings to pretend that ‘I’m alive,’ other than simply living in self-acceptance here, as breath, as myself.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to live in such a perpetual self-abuse through constantly judging myself and existing only as this judgment that I would project onto others, compare myself-with and define myself-as, while actually judging people that would deplete/ abuse the natural resources on Earth for the sake of keeping our entire system in place – which implies that I always sought to be ‘free from blame,’ and believe myself to be innocent from such “atrocities”simply because of denying the basic point which is me existing in/as this world, equal and one with everyone else that is equally responsible for such abuse simply because of ALL having accepted and allowed the submission, abuse and degradation of life through a system of energy that must always consume to remain alive. This is our current system and

I commit myself to walk the necessary self-alignments to live the equal-value that I see and realize is the common sensical way of living that must be implemented on Earth through the Equal Money System as the solution to allow us all to see/ realize that the only way to live an actual satisfactory life on Earth, is through giving and receiving in equality.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from ‘the abusers,’ simply because I thought myself to be a ‘world saver’ without ever being aware of how within me and my ‘personal life’ being a bundle of emotions and feelings and judgments, I was being equally supporting the degradation/ abuse and total annihilation of life because of disregarding the fact that, for my mind to exist as an experience, I must use what Is here as this physical reality that I consume in order to transform such physical energy into mind energy to keep my mindfucks alive. By mindfucks I understand, all the experiences that would give me a certain experience that I would deem as ‘my life,’ ‘my living,’ regardless of them being positive or negative, I seemed to equally solace with both, as long as I was ‘experiencing’ something, which demon.strates the level of addiction we’ve lived toward our own mind.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I had only lived as an egotistical character that could only generate experiences, thoughts for self-satisfaction in either a ‘positive’ or ‘negative’ and now realizing even neutral experience As a constant experience, as a constant self-created confirmation of ‘I am here as y mind,’ while abusing my body as the life that it is made of to do so.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to become so oblivious to the reality that is here, taking it for granted simply because of regarding ‘my experience’ as something ‘more important’ to be aware of/ take care of other than the actual reality that is here, that is existing as the ‘food for thought’ in a literal manner, abused and neglected and depreciated to only being ‘fuel,’ instead of realizing it is equal and one as myself, as life, as everything that is equally here.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fuel the abuse of life through my very own participation in thoughts, feelings, emotions that would keep the ‘idea’ of me in place. Now this is not to believe that I can now ‘stop thinking’ and ‘stop abusing,’ it is about understanding the separated-value (value in itself is already a separation, but just to make it clear) that I have placed onto everything/ everyone in separation of myself – which means, that Equalizing myself as such ‘values’ which is the absolute integration of myself as everything that is here – I can simply become the director of it to establish myself as relationships that work for all as equal and one – no abuse will be allowed in that, yet it is possible to change the starting point of everything that is here through me committing myself to be the one point that begins to do so.

 

That is then, taking the first steps of self-awareness as a creator: who am I willing to be and become now that I see, realize and understand what and who I really am. It is plain simple to see that: if friction has only caused this extent of abuse and obvious separation, causing me to always ‘seek for fulfillment’ outside of myself – the obvious solution is then: reintegrating all separated parts as myself here wherein I commit myself to walk each thread that I have separated myself from, point by point, moment by moment, until standing equal and one with what is here is not only a statement, but a living realization that is able to be implemented every moment that I stop the inherently accepted separation of myself as an energetic experience through thinking, believing and perceiving myself to be ‘marlen’ only – the idea of myself that exists as the product of limitation.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to deliberately create experiences within myself toward my physical body, toward my image, my personality in means of believing that ‘this is who I am and this is what I have to cultivate’ – wherein this statement became a lifetime investment of self-interest while being aware of how everything that I wanted, desired could be obtained by playing the game that is predictable and mechanic. I realize that this is not ‘good or bad,’ it is simply the starting point that I can now change/ adjust and within that, not demonize my mind, my experiences – it is about now standing equal to who and what I am as this physical body, as the direction that I am asserting as myself and being willing to change the starting point of these relationships that I created in separation of myself – as desires, wants and personal needs – into a best for all starting point, which is then the only way we can ensure that we do achieve a best for all goal.

 

See one of the pivotal points here is something that Anu describes in the interview Reptilians – Engineering God – Part 26 about what is it that we are really doing/walking/ realizing within this process wherein, it’s not about now becoming ‘empty’ and walking as zombies – but simply how to be able to stop existing as possessed mind-zombies and actually realize, recognize and accept the actual power that exist when we equalize ourselves as our mind, as everything that we have believed ourselves to be and instead, learn how the mind works and use it, as an equal-and one part of myself to create what’s best for all.

And that, was a mindblowing point that I can assure will come eventually or has come already to a realization within our process. To place this all into perspective: I’ve been ‘digesting’ all that I’ve been listening and it’s simply amazing, but not the experiential amazing that ‘makes me feel good’ but an actual realization of what the fuck we have missed throughout life: ourselves.

We are in ‘the moment’ where we can stand as absolute creators of ourselves – and this is not some type of ‘grandiose’ statement – in fact, I should not even place such disclaimer as it is only the absolute, totality, wholeness that exists here as myself – any point of ‘grandiosity’ has only been generated by my mind that feared being or even considering myself as ‘the whole,’ why would that be? Only a a mind can exist in self-deprecation and self-depreciation, and this, my fellow droogs, must stop.

: D

 

Blogs of the Day:

vlog:
2012: 7 Year Process – Stopping Judgements

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About Marlen

I share my realizations and perspectives within learning how to live life in self-honesty in the Desteni Process to expand and grow as a person in this world. #IMatter View all posts by Marlen

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