Day 15: Adherence

adhere 

1    stick fast to.
2    believe in and follow the practices of.
3    represent truthfully and in detail.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to adhere/ stick to a relationship as soon as I got the acceptance and confirmation by another of being ‘valuable’ for them in the context of establishing a relationship, because of having the starting point of wanting to be accepted/ recognized by another in order to ‘give meaning to my life,’ which is why and how I sought relationships in absolute separation from myself, because I had not allowed me to accept myself, and in this, sticking like glue to the people that would express their appreciation toward myself, and I would experience the same ‘back,’ which is what I had deemed as ‘being lucky,’ because of being able to establish the relationships that ‘I’ had chosen to be in – apparently, without realizing that my own set of preferences as personality had sought a similar pattern that could satisfy my ‘needs’ and desires within the context of my own limitations as personality/ ego.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to stick fast to and develop quick relationships mostly, always just ‘going for it’ without taking into consideration what I am exactly indulging into and getting myself into, which implies that I had merely acted out of impulse as an energetic drive, as the ‘intuition’ that I had followed whenever I would manipulate myself and the entire situation in order to ‘make it acceptable’ for me to just ‘go for it’ and establish a relationship.

 

I forgive myself that I had not allowed myself to fully consider another within these temperamental decisions that I would brew with steam wherein I would just want to settle the relationship right away and make it all happen as fast as we could, in order to satisfy my usual drive an desire to have it all as soon as possible and quick and ‘sealed,’ which was an energetic drive that I accepted and allowed to drive myself completely, without having ever taken a moment to stop, breathe and really place into perspective what it is that I was allowing within myself. Such second-point consideration didn’t exist, and I’m simply here placing it out so that I become aware of not giving into impulse and feeling for something or someone, I take the necessary time to assess the situation and place into perspective practicality and reality instead of dreaming and fantasizing to fulfill my dreams.

 

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that in order for me to be with another in a relationship, I must idolize them and admire as in seeing them as ‘more than me’ so that ‘I can learn from them,’ without realizing that this is not about being with something that you can measure as knowledge and information, as a mind system – it is about another breathing, living being that must stand equal and one as myself and any other being that is not defined by knowledge and information. This means that

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself for having ‘fallen for’ and had platonic relationships with people just because of the set of knowledge and information they represented as something that I aspired to become, which implies that I was only seeking to fulfill myself as an idea, as a personality that feeds off of knowledge and information as ‘who I am,’ wherein I projected such value toward others and measuring people/ potential partners/ partners according to their intellect – which means the more intelligent, bold, sharp, perceptive and shrewd = the better within the values that I placed as valuable in another, as that which I wanted to be which I never allowed myself to stand one and equal to.

 

I realize that the ability they had to communicate, interact, and establish relationships with people with great ease is what I saw I lacked therefore, wanting to stick to/ adhere and almost absorb such abilities by being with them, wherein I stopped living my life but only being the faithful companion that would ‘stick’ to them like a shadow trying to live through them a life that I thought was not possible for me to live.

I see that at least the longest relationships were with people that knew lots of people and I desired that as well but I would see myself believing that it was impossible for me to do, because of the plethora of judgments that I would project to others in my secret mind. And it was only when being in these relationships that I learned to be more open and less elitist in my mind. Yet, it was all within the context of ‘sticking to them,’ something like ‘the muse’ that is just there – adhering to their lives and not really developing my own skills, because of me being comfortable to stand as the wallflower within the general social interactions.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel utterly uncomfortable many, many times that I did not really want to adhere and go everywhere with partners, yet I would go because of fearing ‘missing out’ on something or just not wanting to be alone, wherein I would then just ‘swallow’ everywhere I had to go to with them and within this asphyxiating myself by fearing exerting my desire to just not go to their house and be by myself, I actually feared displeasing them somehow with this, just because of the habit that I created of always being ‘there’ and being the eternal mostly quiet companion.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself for having defined me as an ‘addition’ to another’s life and call that a relationship, wherein I deliberately diminished my interaction with the rest of my world, simply because I had obtained the recognition and acceptance I was looking for by another that wasn’t valuing myself for me being a particular character in school or in my family, but apparently liking me for ‘who I am. ‘

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to adhere to the conditions and “agreements” that were never spoken in terms of having an actual relationship with another, for an extended period of time and not even knowing what it was. Such ‘not knowing’ is what lead me to create this fear and uncertainty because of fearing losing such relationship, because there was no commitment or spoken agreement at all.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to mold and fit myself into another’s life wherein I became supple and submissive when it came to living the routine of seeing each other, which meant that I adhered to another’s schedules and plans wherein I had no excuse or justification to not go because I didn’t have a ‘life of my own,’ and in that, completely agreeing to just do as they said, go with them wherever they had to and just ‘be there,’ because in my mind it was much better than being alone.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to deify the particular ideal of partner that I had created and fueled throughout my life from an early age and when getting that particular person in reality, which meant like winning the jackpot in my life at the time, I absolutely got blinded by this ideal and extreme desire that I had built toward another one, which lead me to absolutely neglect all the actual experiences of fear and subtle self-abuse because of believing that I could be easily replaced and me fearing losing that relationship after all the time that I had desired to be with such person.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to stick/ adhere to another’s ‘rules’ and morals within a relationship, wherein I just adhered to it without a question, even though they absolutely bothered me. I kept quiet about it out of fear and within that application, I built my own fear trap, wherein I kept myself in absolute petrification to lose that relationship, just because of not wanting to stir any conflict or be threatened to be left alone if I didn’t want to comply to a certain ‘interaction rule’ within such relationship.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to absolutely stick to another’s words and immediately be influenced by another’s living-rituals and perspectives about life, beliefs, entire mannerism and general stance toward people/ relationships and the world in general, wherein I would immediately adapt to ‘their way of being,’ while just sticking to ‘my part’ of being the faithful muse that is just there whenever they want and in that, absolutely neglecting/ diminishing and belittling myself, just because of the amount of time I spent just ‘there’ by their side, instead of being comfortable with myself, alone. 

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use relationships as a way to hide and completely submit to a living condition wherein apparently, another must satisfy me in all ways, and vice versa which is the way wherein dependency is created within relationships wherein an initial search for fulfillment is tampered with the belief of ‘being complete’ only when being in a relationship with another.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to represent a loyal companion and create a religion out of a relationship wherein I made sure I would feed my obsession and another’s obsession for the sake of keeping up and energetic relationship going on, wherein no actual self-support to stop any personalities was ever considered.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having been submissive in relationships wherein I adhered to he ways and ‘rules’ of interaction as silent agreements that were never questioned by me, but only complied because of believing that ‘another knows better’ and ‘is more experienced’ and in that, simply suppressing myself every time out of fear of creating unnecessary conflict.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to adhere/ stick to the rules of the game, wherein no actual consideration of what’s best for all was considered and I allowed myself to manipulate myself into believing that it was ‘alright’ and that ‘I didn’t care’ as long as I could be in that relationship, but obviously it did matter and eventually became unsustainable the very moment that I started speaking up, which I’m glad I did to finally take off the blindfold of fear.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to suppress my actual view upon events and moments, people, environments in the moment just to not create unnecessary conflict, but instead buried that conflict within myself in fear of triggering conflict and having to experience another’s wrath.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to stick to the rules of convenience placed by another, and followed/ accepted by me in a blind manner wherein all I could do is continually judge another while presenting a nice façade that could be affable and amicable toward others in general.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to adhere/ conform to relationship woes and the opposite as fun and enjoyment as a usual aspect of having to ponder mood all the time wherein the acceptance of playing a particular mood and role in any given moment would lead me to be an absolute unbearable pain in the ass toward another, wherein I would only be speaking and spewing out backchat that I was not naming for what it is, but disguised it and used other points to let it out, which made no-sense and created rifts that I knew were absolutely ridiculous in nature, but I stuck with it as a way to voice out my general complain and discomfort within the relationship.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed such relationships with no consideration to what I knew I was experiencing, yet hiding because of fearing losing that relationship after all the time invested on desiring that specific relationship, within the belief that I finally had a person depending on me which I deemed as valuable within the ‘I can’t live without you’ type of codependency that emerged from both parts, wherein within my fear of letting someone down, I allowed myself to become addicted to and allow another to become addicted to me in an equally noxious pattern wherein both avoided being alone.

 

I forgive myself for having ever accepted and allowed myself to use another being as an obsession and addiction that sought to be fulfilled all the time, while  fearing being alone, fearing letting another down and creating innumerable moments of unspoken discomfort for having compromised myself and each other to be constantly wanting to make each other ‘happy’ through any means wherein, it becomes an ‘act’ of living instead of just actually living our lives and sharing them in an equal manner.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to mock my own patterns and habits of the past, because of how I lacked common sense, without realizing that we have lacked common sense from the very moment we separated ourselves from the whole and created an experience that we gave a name to in such moment, it’s the same point yet translated to a usual relationship mechanism of co-dependency and obsession and remuneration to satisfy each other’s needs. 

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, within adhering to another’s lifestyle, ways of being, I made myself believe that another knew better and that I should just ‘go with the flow’ because at least it was something different and unlikely to happen in my own life, which is when I believed that living was accumulating adventures and experiences that could lead us to then have something to talk about.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to prefer adhering to another’s life, instead of having ever considered establishing my life in a parallel mode toward another, wherein actual self-support is established, and there are no dependencies toward one another in these subservient and dominant roles.

 

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to feed another’s obsessions and my obsessions wherein all that was sought to be generated was a ‘feel good’ experience that had to be kept up all the time and in that, compromising myself until it was not bearable and had to be stopped.

 

I realize that I compromised and suppressed myself completely in every single moment that I would only nod and not speak up, and that it became a ‘prop’ for my personality because of others thinking and believing that I was rather calm and peaceful and ‘quiet’ by nature, when in fact I was only hiding and suppressing the actual expression that would come up in the moment but that I hid in the name of complacency and within wanting to avoid all discord possible in the relationship.

 

I commit myself to Add-Here to myself wherein I make sure I never again create relationships based on only adhering myself to someone else’s life, wherein I become like a comfortably numb shadow that is just ‘there’ all the time, instead of actually valuing myself and my living reality as an individual that certainly doesn’t require to be ‘with someone’ to be complete, fulfilled or even enjoying myself – I realize that within living only as an ego/ personality that sought to be fulfilled, I missed the actual hereness that is here as myself as my being that doesn’t require to be with another to be fulfilled.

 

I commit myself to add-her as adding me to the equation (in an equal matter to be redundant) of any relationship wherein actual agreements of self support are established, where I can finally stick to living by principle and not by fears, preferences, beliefs and opinions of who I must be in order to be liked/ accepted by another/ others. I realized that any compromise in the past cannot exist here as what I realize now I am and how there can be no value that I can obtain from another, because this is about me – facing/ valuing self as a living being that is equally here as everyone else.

 

The point we require to implement is actual self-support through spoken/ worded self-agreements wherein all parts involved can live by the principle of conviviality as self-support with established self-agreements in self honesty wherein who we are is honored, respected and supported to develop to the utmost potential, because that’s what we are all here to be and do, in order to finally let go of all limitations, suppressions, fears and judgments toward one another of the past.

 

I realize that within adding ‘Here’ to any agreement and relationship, I take the whole into consideration wherein it is about me establishing myself as an equal part of the whole that works with others to establish relationships/ agreements of self support to for the first time, change the way that human beings have related to one another wherein no feelings, no emotions, no beliefs, no manipulation, no complacency, no fears are involved within the relationship equation, but are left completely aside to establish an actual physical agreement wherein all parts involved are equally considered and supported to establish effective communication and within that, living to the utmost potential that we all see and realize we are capable of If and when establishing a living principle as ourselves first, individually.

Desteni

Desteni Forum

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Blogs of the Day:

Judgement Day: DAY 14
Day 14: Do you Love Breakups?
Day 15: Who am I? Prisoner of the Mind?

 

 

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About Marlen

I share my realizations and perspectives within learning how to live life in self-honesty in the Desteni Process to expand and grow as a person in this world. #IMatter View all posts by Marlen

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