Day 18: Self-Interest Sabotage

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept Selfishness as an inherent part of ‘who I am’ as human nature wherein I learned that I had to only care about myself and not bother to look at others’ lives as that would ‘consume me in worry/ concern’ that was ‘unnecessary’ within my life as a child when I would worry/ concern about others’ experiences.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to tamper my incipient common sense by what I accepted as ‘education’ wherein I learned to cover up my actual experience toward others with words like ‘Don’t care about them, don’t look at them, that’s their life’ and in that, accepting that I should only care about myself and focus on only achieving my ‘personal satisfaction’ wherein everything then became me-and-only-me in my world, to the point wherein any bit of looking outside into the world became an instant no-no within my mind, because of believing that others’ lives had Nothing to do with myself.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use education and parental advices as a living-blueprint wherein I shut off my common sense and consideration/ regard for others, creating a great instability and dissatisfaction within myself, a constant ‘anguish’ that I could not pinpoint because ‘everything was alright’ in my life, I had it all, I was cared for, I was supported financially but something just wasn’t right in the world and in my attempt to discover what was it that was concerning me, I only created further experiential anguish and concern and worry with ‘making up a point’/ creating a point, that wasn’t initially ‘there’ but I believed that I had to find a reason for my experience which lead me to then create experiences in my world to ‘give it a name’ as a justification for that process of deliberately blinding me from looking at the world as myself.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to cloud my discomfort when getting a reward from my parents for ‘being a good student’ such as money or gifts wherein I would feel discomfort and it didn’t seem ‘right’ as I was doing it for myself, but I accepted the reward because ‘hey, it’s money, I can buy stuff with it’ and essentially within this giving-into the system of reward and ‘prices’ for ‘doing good in school,’ which I later on said it wasn’t necessary – but because I had accepted it as part of ‘parental love,’ I ended up using such reward to my convenience to get stuff that would make me ‘happy,’ and in this, accepting the motivation to do well, to take responsibility in separation of myself while accepting then the idea that I must always be rewarded, thanked for and appreciated for everything that I do.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself into believing that it was ‘wrong’ to take rewards from my father and feeling embarrassed about it, yet eventually ‘giving in’ to it because it seemed it ‘made others happy to do so,’ and in that complying to the parenting/ child belief system of reward and love as giving prices/ money that could ‘make me happy’ because I believed that their happiness depends on ‘my happiness.’

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself and my common sense to play a part of the reward/ manipulation masked as care/ love by parents/ teachers and within this any other reward-system existing in this world that begins at home, wherein we learn that we require something to motivate us which is ultimately in the form of money, as everything that is here that can be ‘given’ currently has a price tag attached to it, as the symbol of separation that we have accepted as a form of possession wherein ‘I’ have accepted and allowed myself to possess ‘something/ someone’ in the name of personal power, while neglecting the fact that nothing that is here I can actually possess, no one that is here can actually be Mine – though because of accepting this ‘idea’ of myself as an ‘owner’ and a ‘winner’ I became absolutely accustomed to the idea of buying stuff in means of caring for others, giving stuff in means of obtaining appreciation, giving something to someone while expecting a reward, which is me playing the game of this entire world that lives and thrives upon ownership and possession.

 

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to judge other children for being ‘whiners’ and manipulating their parents to get stuff at the supermarket, while taking on the haughty position of being ‘above that’ and feeling good for ‘not playing that game,’ without realizing that I DID play that game in various other ways in my reality wherein I knew that accumulating a ‘good profile’ within my family and my environment, would lead me to get what I wanted because of thinking ‘I deserve this/ I earned this/ I should have access to that’ – and this, perpetuating my own ‘masked’ reward system wherein I learned how to use my ‘props’ and ‘points’ accumulated through time for being a ‘good student’ and a ‘good person’ that would lead me to eventually ‘have/ own what I want,’ because of thinking ‘hey, I’ve done ‘good’ I deserve my piece of the cake!’

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in a superiority position while being in this world because of ‘noticing’ the manipulation patterns within children and parents and judging them, without first looking at myself and How I was living the exact same point minus the tantrums but in a very specific and masked with ‘modesty’ type of manipulation wherein I would always say ‘It is not necessary for you to give me presents, I do this for myself,’ yet eventually opening my hand to get the money to buy whatever I already knew that I wanted to get, in this placing all integrity aside and giving into the money, the ‘power’ as the reward that I did know  could accept as everyone else did it, everyone else does it.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to secretly judge my classmates every time that they said: ‘Oh I wanna be like you and have your grades, let me hand my parents your notes/grades/record so that they can buy me whatever I want/ with your notes I would get whatever I would want from my parents/ I would make my parents happy with your record’ wherein I judged them as manipulators and cheaters and selfish and interested people, while disregarding the fact that deep inside I knew I would ‘modestly’ accept prices and rewards for my grades while placing a face and a cloak of ‘Oh it’s not necessary, I don’t require your money’ but in the end, accepting it.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to always place a nice face whenever I required money to buy something and speaking in a high pitch voice and move my face in a way wherein I knew that my father/ mother would not be able to ‘say no’ to buy me/ get me what I wanted, and in this playing out the same manipulation system wherein the bond of family/ love is used in order to ‘get what I want.’

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to build a life based on accumulating ‘good interest’ just like when you build a good profile in a banking system that enables you to get ‘all the credit you want,’ and in fact learning about this from what my father taught me about banking status/ profile wherein he would get all offers to get credit and he’d always refuse because of not wanting to get into debt, and in that I learned how I could have ‘the world at my feet’ by accumulating a ‘good profile’ within my world wherein I could use that credit as in obtaining rewards at any given moment because of having accumulated such ‘good profile’ throughout my life. This means that everything that I’ve done within my self-created belief of modesty and ‘integrity’ has Always had a point of self-interest behind, a monetary potential in the background as I knew that within keeping walking the steps of becoming a ‘good citizen’ and learn how to administrate my money, I could get to a higher position in society.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to neglect the fact that I was actually taught how to save money as a means of security and how Money played a big role from the very first moments that I would get money from my father with which I knew I could buy things that I wanted. I became so used to getting money on a weekly basis that I learned that this life was about buying stuff as a means of obtaining happiness and fulfilling myself with ‘buying.’

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to keep my savings in a zealous manner, as I knew that I was already ‘building my profile’ as being a ‘saver’ which meant something good within the world system where people that get the benefits are the ones that are able to obtain interests from capitalizing that money in the bank.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that being a ‘saver’ made me a ‘better person’ and not a ‘bad person’ such as the people that owed money to the banks –within this, believing that all the money that I owned was ‘clean’ and was ‘good money’ because it was earned/ worked for without ever ever questioning why some people had to borrow money to the bank, why was there not enough money for people regardless of them working for it or not – why was life denied to others and having to go through extreme financial troubles that would lead them to their own death, because of how the money system works.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to only be confused about how the money system works as a child, not getting any proper explanation to why poverty exists and instead, only learning to focus on me, my savings, how to administrate my money and in that becoming a life-time administrator wherein money is always carried with me as a means of security, as a means of survival, as a means of protecting myself from ‘anything’ that I could require as I’ve learned that I can buy anything in this world with money.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within this, develop a ‘good persona’ idea of myself wherein because of knowing that my family/ my father had ‘no debt’ I took on that position of feeling good about money because of believing that we were not ‘bad people’ that ‘owed’ to the bank because of not being proper administrators. Within this,

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always automatically/ by default through what I learned judge anyone that owes to the bank/ that has debt because of considering this as a synonym of them being ‘bad people’ that somehow had corrupted themselves to not be able to get money, without ever actually investigating that MONEY in itself exists as DEBT as that inherent point of enslavement and separation that we have created in the name of power, of some having ‘more’ than others’ and some others having ‘less’ or no money at all, and in that neglecting the fact of the world system running in inequality, which I simply accepted as ‘how things are,’ because I was taught that ‘I should not worry about that, it’s not in my power to change it’ – hell no.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to generate a positive experience within myself when I had accumulated money through saving within this ‘saver’ personality as building a ‘good reputation’ within the system, which became my way of functioning in the world as I knew that all the scores throughout my life in school as being a good student, my life within my family as ‘being a good daughter, ‘ my ‘good will’ within society as a ‘good and concerned citizen’ would lead me to a  position of comfort and financial stability in the future – apparently – because of having learned that one gets rewards for ‘being a good person’ and in that, accepting the fact that some others would inherently be damned to not have enough money to live, which I justified as them having been lazy/bad administrators/ corrupted people, which is how I ‘made sense’ of this world living in disparity, placing each person through my own judgmental values of what lead you to be ‘rich’ or ‘have enough money to live’ or ‘be poor/ starving’ wherein I thought that it was directly related to ‘who they had been’ in their world, neglecting the obvious facts wherein people are born into such positions which means that they had no say within their world in terms of money, as family/ context/ environmental predisposition as inherent conditions within each human being’s life was not seen by myself at the time.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to build a persona of and as ‘modesty’ wherein I would take all the awards/ rewards and recognition only as an accumulation of ‘good score’ that I knew would get me anywhere I wanted in this reality, and in fact it did in terms of education and within that feeling ‘great’ for having known how to use the system  – yet being moral about it in terms of seeing it as a ‘goodness’ within me, wherein anyone else that could Not access to the same that I had access to, I deemed as less than/ stupid/ lazy/ irresponsible and within that, asserting that I was ‘on the right path’ to become that whichever I wanted to become, because ‘I had earned it/ I had become it honestly’ without seeing that money was the actual motivation for all of this lifetime of achievements that I kept as a score in such a proud silent manner.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to link ‘good finances’ and ‘good administration’ to being a ‘good person’ wherein I took the role model of my father as a ‘good administrator’ which I see would lead me to ‘success’ without realizing that within this accepted form of manipulation/ use of the ways within the system, I accepted such ways as ‘okay’ to live by within this world, wherein I would then measure individuals and their financial situation linked to their personal-moral and ethics within this world, separating ‘good people’ as people that were financially stable and ‘bad people’ as people that had lots of debts and financial troubles that would reflect in their mental instability, personal crisis and diseases that would lead them to die.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ever judge people that would ‘cheat’ in the system, without realizing that I was in fact being the perfected system of cheating/ manipulating and accepting the flawed ways to thrive in this world wherein one must comply with all the ‘good aspects’ that the system/ society is expecting me to be, wherein I could finally take the ‘position’ that I had ‘earned’ throughout my lifetime, within this not Living here as myself as breath, but only living to ‘get to that superior position,’ living to get to that ‘throne’ that I believed I had earned throughout my life with ‘hard work,’ without realizing how I was essentially preprogrammed to accept myself as ‘better than others’ and in that believing that I had some higher mission to have a position of power in this world – all delusions only in my head that lead me to create this constant belief that I was ‘better than others,’ and ‘more apt’ to do whatever I had to do than others.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become ‘my reputation’ as the score-keeping that I’ve done throughout my life where numbers as scores, numbers as the reflection of the profile-building that I knew would get me a ‘reward’ someday, which implies that I have lived as a score-keeping system fulfilling targets to eventually be ‘free’ and ‘happy’ and ‘fulfilled’ with having achieved a lifetime of ‘good reputation’ which always translated to money and obtaining/ attaining financial stability.

 

I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to take advantage of my preprogramming in ways that I knew I was only ensuring ‘my future/ my survival’ while neglecting the fact that I had to inevitably use this to benefit of all – and for a moment, get lost in the trap of attaining ‘power’ to get myself to the position that I wanted disregarding the fact that I could become the solution to this world, because of having given-up to the fact that I Can become the solution to this world and that it is not even a want/ desire to do so, but it is a point of Self-Responsibility.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to deliberately deny my abilities/ capabilities and choosing to diminish myself just because of seeing that I was becoming a ‘perfect system’ and that I was aiming at ‘getting all the power I could,’ which I judged as nasty later on in my life, judging myself for having had greedy thoughts and in that, going to the exact opposite of denying, neglecting all-things-money, all-news, all careers that I had initially sought to study in order to make of my ‘traits’ something useful within this world, and in that, going to the exact opposite which was seeking value within that which I judged as ‘non-valuable/ without a price’ such as how I deemed ‘art’ would be like. In this, my own cave was wrought.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for having ever pursued my own interest while growing, then going into blame, self judgment and into the exact opposite as denying that I had ever sought such positions of power/ recognition/ elitist status by becoming the ‘black sheep’ of the family that would deliberately seek the opposite of what I had learned I ‘wanted’ to be like/ live like in the future, in this not ever realizing and pondering that I was only sabotaging myself and my ability to position myself in this world in a place wherein I could actually make a difference to it, which I realize requires education on how the system works and getting myself into a position of where the cogwheels of the system are moved in order to create a substantial change in this world/ system.

 

I now finally realize the entire fucked up sabotage to my own abilities and capabilities because of judging money as good or bad, because of judging my inherent abilities as good for the system but ‘bad for my integrity’ wherein I later on ostracized myself from ‘all things systematic’, shutting myself from continuing my education within the realms of politics and social matter that I had initially been interested in, because of having deemed it as a ‘lost cause’ and believing that I was completely incapable of doing any difference to.

I realize that I sabotaged myself by going to the exact opposite such as deliberately diminishing/ playing aloof and being seemingly ‘unaware’ of the reality because of having found that ‘not caring about the world/ only caring about myself’ was apparently more ‘fulfilling’ and an easier way to live, than having lived as a concerned/ worried person about the world – which was then integrating the belief that ‘I must only care about myself’ as ‘who I am’ and in that, wasting my abilities and capabilities for some time/ the extent of time you take to study a career because of believing that I could only ‘make the best for myself’ and that this world was doomed.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to use my personal interests as a way to justify my giving up on the world, my giving up on the abilities and capabilities I was fully aware I could conduct into a position that I could take on and make a difference, regardless of what everyone said about it, and instead going for the ‘easy way out’ apparently, without realizing that this would only lead me to a pointless-timeloop but probably absolutely necessary, now that I see it, because how else would I have had the time to become a real observer of the system without me trying to pursuit the same as everyone else, and now having had enough time to study how reality works, how this entire monetary system as our own reflection drives the world around and how I am perfectly capable of being in the system and creating a point of change by clearing/ and creating a complete new starting point to develop myself and my abilities to the utmost potential wherein Self-Interest and Selfishness is no longer the driving force for it, but Who I See/ Realize/ Understand is who I really am as life as all as one and equals –

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to justify my engagement with relationships that would support this ‘escapism of self responsibility’ as that would support my own ostracism and deliberate ignorance about the world system while resorting in entertainment that would only fulfill and satisfy this believed/ perceived ‘path out of the system’ wherein I allowed myself to judge the system, criticize everyone with ‘aspirations’ to succeed and taking on the exact opposite by ensuring that I would ‘never’ want to be in a position of power, because of believing that such power was real in the first place only because of money. Now I realize that if money is a belief system = power is a belief system that allows abuse – therefore I can be and become the point that utilizes all means I can in order to establish an equality in this world by me first allowing/ accepting myself as the ability to establish myself as the equal-power as an equal participant that I represent within this world and reality – no longer driven by the judgments that I have given to money/ power, but having a firm self-agreement to do this for all, as equals.

 

I see and realize that any point of judgment toward a position of power can exist if I am corrupting that power in my mind for self interest in the first place – this is the point to realize when and as I see myself judging a position of power/ myself going into a position of power in a hypothetical situation in this world, I see and realize that I can only judge it if I am embedding my ‘personal interest’ within it, and not regarding that such ‘power’ can only exist if All is equally considered in the equation, which obviously includes myself.

 

When and as I see myself judging the words ‘position of power’ when and as I hear them, I realize that I had lived a life of being conditioned to desire such power and then reject it because of the judgments I embedded onto it, not wanting to be in a ‘superior’ position by deliberately ‘lowering/ diminishing’ myself by self-judgment and in that, allow myself to only accept power as the realization of each breath that I have here in order to establish myself as the equal and one part that is able to conduct, direct and live by the principle of what’s best for all, regardless of the activity I am involved with at the moment, regardless of the ‘perceived’ position such activity entails, as I see and realize that positions of hierarchy only exist as a remains of the past that I am here to debunk, to deflate and to deconstruct to establish solutions and relationships of equality and oneness wherein no being can ever step on top of another through social acceptance of hierarchy and ‘power levels’ in this world.

This I commit myself to debunk, expose which is how ‘power’ has been a fucked up belief system wherein we have accepted and allowed ourselves to enslave each other to a more than/ less than position, sabotaging our inherent ability and capability that can be developed to establish what’s best for all in this reality as who we are, as one and equal.

 

I commit myself to make use of my abilities/ capabilities and accept myself as the path of self-perfection to ensure that all and everything that I do and accumulate is Not only for the best interest of myself, but the best interest for ALL as Equals – this is the point that changes the entire way that I as a human being has lived in this world, because I had not taken into consideration the whole as myself in the past – now I see, I realize and understand that I can use what I do, the potential I represent as an equal part/ participant of the necessary changes and processes that are required to implement and establish in this world to generate solutions and an entire point of change in this world that begins with myself, realizing how I can only have Self-Motivation as the realization of Equality as a world system that benefits all – which includes me, invariably – and in that, integrating my ‘Self-Interest’ as Previous personal interest into an actual Self-Equal and One Interest to create and manifest a world that is best for all.

I recognize that we have all been blinded to our fullest potential within structures based on fear and limitation that we can only deconstruct and reconstruct into equality if we ALL work together to take on our own lives through this deconstruction wherein I make sure that everything that I have ever been and accepted as a form of separation from the whole, is exposed, is self forgiven and corrected within the realization that this process is a collective effort to equalize life, to realize that whatever limitation another allows within themselves, it is and becomes my own limitation as well.

 

I recognize that I had been deliberately fooling around to not take the responsibility that I am fully aware I have only tampered with beliefs about myself that have deliberately maimed my abilities and capabilities, because I feared not being able to fulfill the task that I always saw I had to stand for, which is creating a world that is best for all.

 

I see and realize now that such conditions where imprinted within me as a child and that I became the perfect system to fulfill the tasks that would only benefit me within the system, disregarding that I in fact could expand and extend these achievements to a best for all outcome, which is what I here realize is what I am, what I am here to live by and establish – and that all are equally capable of doing this as well as it is not a matter of choice, but a matter of understanding who we really are and what must be done in order to establish ourselves as living-beings and stopping all survivalism in this world.

 

Self Responsibility can only be acknowledged within Self Honesty wherein what’s best for all is the only point that drives my day to day living, wherein choice doesn’t exist, it is a Self-Willed living action that I become.

 

I dedicate myself to develop my abilities and recognize my capability of becoming the point of my process as the key that I see and realize each one of us is able to be and become if our starting point is unified by a best for all principle and outcome.

 

I commit myself to not diminish myself within beliefs that I’ve kept as ‘That’s too much for me’ or ‘How am I possibly going to get there?’ without realizing that this is a physical process wherein the first point is removing all limitations and preconditions that I have accepted as ‘who I am’ and this is precisely the key point wherein the realization that I can create myself is established, with a foundation upon a living-principle as Life in Equality is the law of my being – by walking, living and aligning myself to this living-law, I am able to support life as myself, and life supports life therefore, I realize that by equalizing my potential to a best for all outcome, what I have already proven I am able and capable of being/ becoming is then expanded onto a best for all scenario, as I see and realize and understand that Life can only thrive in Equality – My life can only thrive in Equality, Existence can only thrive in Equality as Life.

Equal Money System

Desteni

Desteni I Process 

Desteni Forum to support yourself in establishing Self-Honesty as a Self-Willed living understanding of who you really are in this world.

 

 

This blog post emerged from reading the first blog listed in the blog support area, as well as the following interview that allowed me to realize for the first time what type of limitations I had lived/ accepted and allowed within my world and that I had not been able to ‘grasp’ until I listened to this and realized that I can in fact change the starting point of who I am within my abilities and capabilities and determine myself as an active participant that commits to live/ be the solution as a Self-Willed living being to Life.

 

Blog Support:

Day 18: Dementia – The Rotten Child Syndrome
Day 17: The Trap of Dementia, Part 1
Humanity Possessed: DAY 17

 

Interview Support:

A Must Watch documentary by Adam Curtis:

The Trap – 1 – F*k You Buddy

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About Marlen

I share my realizations and perspectives within learning how to live life in self-honesty in the Desteni Process to expand and grow as a person in this world. #IMatter View all posts by Marlen

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