Wanting to change the world, claiming to ‘love life’ is a usual personality suit to avoid having to deal with looking at the first change and ‘love’ that we have always missed within ourselves: ourselves
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever proclaim that I ‘loved the world,’ wherein this world was only based on the pictures I would see with my two eyes wherein I tried to always see the positive side of everything, and in this believing that everything always has a ‘positive/ happy ending’ which is part of the hope that remains when looking at this world and realizing that: it was never a pretty picture, it was always what I wanted to believe the world was, which became an elusive desire wherein I sought to attain a state of happiness ‘for the world’ by thinking positive and seeing the bright side of everything, without realizing that I was only deceiving myself and making it all seem ‘better’ than it ever really was.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to create a positive experience toward ‘the world’ according to pictures that I would see through eyes which were filtered through a positive view on reality, wherein everything seemed to be ‘heaven sent’ and believing myself to be heaven sent, without ever realizing or even knowing how it all actually operates on a 24/7 self-abuse that I had chosen to not see, because I did not want to ‘make myself feel sad’ about it, without realizing that any experience – positive or negative – is equally supporting the same fuck-up and abuse as I misused the physical matter to sustain my dreams, my hopes, my wishes, my bright-side looking at the world wherein I believed myself to be ‘innocent’ for all the atrocities in the world, never ever considering that I was all, and that all forms of abuse are existent ‘here’ as myself.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to deliberately become spiteful toward all abuse that I got to know of and be aware of in the name of keeping myself happy and positive thinking about it, wherein in my mind, everything would have to get to a positive/happy ending, within this, always expecting someone/ something to miraculously save the day – but never considering how I was in fact being the source of such abuse by constantly seeking to see beauty and see the bright side while the reality everywhere, in every street that I walked through was showing/ revealing/ demonstrating me that it wasn’t. In this
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to deliberately neglect reality in the name of my ‘how I feel about reality,’ which I dared to use as a catalyst to create pictures about, but never really being aware of how is it that I was a part of it, and the proof is that I always thought that what I painted was from some ‘alter ego’ that could only paint death and destruction, within this only creating further experiences within myself that had Nothing to do with an actual physical awareness of Who I am within this entire world – yet claimed to want to ‘save the world’ and be a ‘good-doer’ for the sake of feeling good about myself, feeling ‘at peace’ and at ease, because hey, at least in my world things were just fine.
I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to want to change the world outside of myself, yet existing as a total wreck within me, impregnated with fear, anxiety, fear of the future, fear of loss, self deprecation, suicidal thoughts – yet! still wanting to save the world – and the point that I never asked myself was:
How can I pretend to care about my reality if I haven’t even dared to care for myself, for my ‘mind sanity’ and my own experience, my physical body that I neglected in every breath that I used to only fuel my own tormented mind-world, never ever questioning how it was this very state of mind that was being poured out along with other 7 billion people manifesting this world that we ‘live’ in now.
I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to proclaim that I was a ‘good person’ because ‘I want to do good/ save the world/ bring peace to the world,’ without even daring to look at how within myself I was in a constant conflict and self-deprecation wherein I sought acceptance through abuse and abusing substance literally and figuratively speaking only to fulfill and idea of being ‘in a phase,’ in a temporary transition, which could have been easily perpetuated till this very day in endless patterns of ‘wishing well,’ but forgetting about myself and missing myself within my entire desire/ want of ‘changing the world.’
I realize that I could have never done anything by myself, with my own wishes and creations in order to ‘make an impact’ because I had not even dared to stand with more than 2 people as a friendship relationship – meaning that I had become the very antithesis of working in a team/ being part of a group and now I see, realize and am discovering how it is that I could not have gotten anywhere alone, and that I can only walk this process within a group wherein I have learned how to first care for myself, because I had little self-respect left for life, for my own life.
I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to project my own desires and wishes toward ‘the world’ and ‘people’ and seeking to ‘make people happy’ as temporary mindfuck that I could trigger in others in order to feel better about myself – within this thinking that through creating ‘positive experiences’ within others and showing them that I ‘care,’ I could ‘change the world – but in fact, it was all simply a blatant lie and deception that I participated in.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ever preach spirituality to others as a way to ‘find themselves,’ wherein I became the perfect example of portraying a peaceful face while existing in absolute suppression of the most gnawing experiences such as petrification, fear of losing relationships, fear of the future and doing everything that I could – including life-choices – in order to not have to face my world, which is a point that I am still walking within my reality as I see that I had become a pattern of only being subservient to ‘the system’ to keep everything in a constant/’stable’ status quo, yet never really risking anything or anyone in my life in order to stand up for real, stand up for life.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ever experience fear of loss toward family, friends, relationships in my world for committing myself to life, as I see, realize and am walking the point as being doing something for myself – as all, as one, as equal – for the very first time in my existence, wherein I am learning how to care for myself and dare I say, love myself first, which is a word I have been deliberately avoiding and backchatting about these past days because of the lies that I involved myself into in the name of so-called ‘love,’ which was only me abusing myself – it was never, ever about ‘others.’
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to still hold an opposite experience toward the word ‘love’ which reveals by the moment that I had avoided writing it out when it comes to self-love, as I see and realize now that I am able to stand one an equal to this word beginning with myself, to actually walk the process of writing myself, applying self forgiveness and self corrective application to occupy the space that I breathe in, to occupy the cells that I had sold to my mind in the name of making my life ‘an experience,’ a vault with memories that I could use to feel good about myself – instead I see that I had missed the very primordial relationship which is myself toward my own physical body, as all the cells, bones, tissue, flesh that I am, that is of the Earth, that is the actual creator that I had reduced to being a single ‘vessel.’
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever want to ‘clean the world’ and live in a constant criticism from a very young age toward people wasting water, littering on the streets, becoming extremely angry at people throwing garbage, abusing their animals, their children – without ever daring to look or even being aware of how my inner physical body, the very water that makes up over a 70% of my physicality is equally polluted as the outside that I see, that I smell, that I cringe about because of my own reactions, my own feelings, my own emotions that were equally consuming my body in order to be able to exist.
I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to think that the world is ‘fucked up’ because of others but never seeing myself as part of the same equation, which means that I would carry this innocent ‘aura’ around me wherein I deliberately became an ever agreeable person at some point in order to be liked, accepted, even be lol considered by some as some type of guru because of the image that I portrayed of myself – yet in fact only deluding myself and others within this positive white-crap while the inner reality and experience of myself was of a constant anxiety, nervousness, uncertainty, self doubt, always going into future projections and ‘what ifs,’ still seeking some ‘final truth’ that I could stick to, just because I wasn’t accepting myself as being able to ‘save myself’ and first focus on my own process before even daring to think believe or perceive that ‘I actually cared’ and wanted to ‘save the world,’ when in fact, I was seeking to feel good about myself just so that I could avoid having to look at relationships and my own participation within them, because the thought ‘hey, I am a good person, I want to do good and that’s all that matters’ was in my head as a constant self-brainwashing to avoid looking at the reality, wherein actual physical actions must be self-directed and self-willed in this world to make and actual difference to the current ‘living’ condition that we are all existing as.
I commit myself to expose how deceptive it actually is to ‘pretend to care’ about the world and all other living beings if one has not yet vowed to support ourselves first, to learn to really care for our own lives, to expose how easy it is to want ‘the best for all’ but not really walking the process of self-equalization as the self-agreement that must be established in order for me to really be able to stand as one and equal with myself, and within that, expand my own self equality and oneness within to establish my self equality and oneness without, wherein no desire to ‘change the world’ is necessary, as I decide to walk the process to stop all desires, all wants, all dreams and instead walk the self-support necessary in order for me to actually take Self Responsibility for myself and this world through placing myself in a position within the world system to then actually become part of the change that we require to direct and conduct once that we have established our own self-authority first.
I commit myself to stop any desires/needs as a constant ultimate wish that it will all turn out ‘just fine’ in the end,and expose it as the laxity promoted by all spirituality and positive thinking wherein ‘it will all be just fine’ becomes the greatest excuse to hope and wait and only care about our own little bubble of ‘life’ wherein we ‘live’ and then we die with the same hope that something/ someone would actually make this world a better place all of a sudden.
I commit myself to explain and share how within ‘wanting to change the world’ and ‘save the planet’ only with good intentions, we are in fact only looking at a feel-good for the pseudo-altruism that stems as a desire in separation of self, and how it is necessary to first take Self Responsibility for ourselves as our own mind – which is our creation – in order to establish ourselves as the authority of life that can decide with effectiveness and precision what is best for all, as I will have walked the inner/ personal process to be able to discern what’s best for all as I will exist as and live by the principle of that which is best for all = life in Equality as the certainty of self-movement to create actual physical solutions to make of this world a place wherein we would like to come back to again, a place where all life can be equally regarded and simply live, as that is what we haven’t allowed ourselves to realize just because of fearing that it was ‘too much, ‘ and impossible to change.
We are here and walking the decision we’ve made to stand one and equal as ourselves first, to establish a self-agreement wherein we give ourselves back to ourselves as the realization that I cannot own/ possess/ control anything o anyone in separation of myself – nor can I stand alone in my initiative to better the living conditions for other beings: I walk my own process out of the mind and into the physical to then, go walking my physical equality and oneness along with other beings that have equally decided and dedicated to a Solution for all Life to be one and equal again.
The only accumulation that is acceptable is breathing as life and stopping all ideas/ beliefs/delusions about love and saving the planet – the statement of love can only be accepted if a system such as the Equal Money System is established by ourselves to create the necessary living conditions that enable LIFE to exist, until then, I commit to sharing how professing love is no different to selling drugs on TV for so-called mental instability.
ps. Hard Rock should also stop promoting daydreaming. We are all new in this process of learning How-To Live in physical reality.
Learn how to Love Yourself and then the Planet in Equality:
Equal Money System for a Real Loving thy Neighbor practical plan for this reality
And read our blogs at Journey to Life
What is she so fulfilled about? (2008)
An existential questions answered and walked into simplicity while revealing the actual secrets of existence.