How many times have we made decisions in our lives based on what ‘others think’ of ourselves, what we are ‘good at’ and what we should do? In my experience, I took other’s opinions as validations to my own beliefs and ideals, eventually only making decisions once I had gathered enough ‘confirmations’/ validations to my own desires, wherein within the Art point itself, what others said about me and ‘my artwork’ mattered enough to make myself confident about making a decision in life to study art. This implies that I really only allowed myself to be driven by other’s opinions about myself and what I wanted to do, but never fully only considering myself and taking into consideration all consequential outflows from this decision in practical terms: how am I going to live, how can I practically direct myself within this career, what are the odds to ‘hit the jackpot’ in the artworld? To place it shortly: I had fallen in love with art and I made a decision based on this attraction to it, trying to equate myself to that expression through believing that I could ‘make it’ – and the point here is not to digress if I am capable or not, but the starting point of the decisions in my life based on having others’ ‘backup’ for me, just because of not being confident enough to make my own decisions and be self responsible about them.
Dreams of fame and fortune
So, here we go with a specific event wherein I was in an art gallery with 2 people – friend and ex-partner – and how the conversations that we would have while staring at other’s works would fuel my ego and my decisions to think that ‘this is it’ and in that, build the idea of myself as ‘an artist’ based on opinions, judgments and my own daydreaming which would happen as I was listening to them and staring at other artists’ works.
The following is an actual picture of that moment wherein I was daydreaming about the stuff that I’ll disclose here:
Self Forgiveness Statements
Pattern: Making decisions based on what others think – Not being confident enough to support me in common sense to make my own decisions
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always had waited for other’s opinions and judgments upon myself and ‘what I should do with my life’ in order to make sure that I was making the ‘right choices,’ without realizing that everything that others could point out would be based already on the idea, belief and self-creation process of ‘who I want to be’ – which implies that all the confirmations I would get from others toward myself and my desire to study art, would stem from the same complacency that is played out in relationships, wherein we support each other’s decision without really supporting another to take into consideration that which is practical and best for all –
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ever project blame onto others for having supported ‘my mind fuck’ when in fact, it was only me-myself that created such mindfuck in the first place, which implies that my desire to get confirmation/ validation upon my choice in life was only stemming from a desire to make myself ‘sure’ as ‘who I am’ as the ego that I was busy building as ‘an artist,’ which means that even if someone could digress from my decision, I would still have taken the road to study art, because I was only looking for the ego-validation as the decision I had already made, but only sought to be ‘sure of’ to give myself more confidence to actually make the decision to change my career and study visual arts.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to step into a gallery with a predisposition to compare ‘what I do’ and ‘what I would imagine myself doing’ from the get go, wherein every time that I go to an art gallery, I access the immediate profile of ‘me being an artist’ and comparing myself to what I’m looking at – (read further in the entry Looking at Art–what is going on up there?)
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to future project myself with having ‘my artwork’ on such gallery walls and delving into the imagination of what my friend suggested as in ‘imagining my works hanging on those walls someday’ – wherein I allowed myself to simply dream about it and never really consider the actual steps and work required to get there, as well as the starting point of such daydreaming desire being a yearning to be famous, to be recognized and to be ‘praised’ just like any other artist.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to listen to what others had to say in that moment wherein they assured ‘you’ll be a great artist someday’ – which links to what my parents would say, becoming proud of me having to be this ‘great professional’ in whatever career I would choose, just because of the reputation I had built around myself as a ‘good student’ and being ‘good at everything I would do’ – which became like foam to elevate myself and my ego, without really taking into consideration the physical, practical reality of my decisions to get myself to such position.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to get confidence within my ‘living choices’ to be and become an artist based on the props for my ego I would get from others in that moment wherein I would then delve into imagining my ‘solo show,’ believing that I could someday just get there by the magical wand of my own talents, which is basically daydreaming and using a desire as a way to make decision in life based on ‘what I wanted to be’ as a preference and infatuation, but never really considering the practicality of my decision in a world wherein Money must be made on a constant basis to live and survive.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fully delve into the desire and experience of imagining myself being an ‘important artist’ and famous, well known wherein this desire for fame and fortune stood as ‘my dream to come true’ that I thought I could attain by deciding to study arts and simply ‘get it’ because ‘I was so good at it,’ which proves how we can take other’s opinions and judgments as a way to validate our own self-belief in means of ‘fulfillment’ based on separation from self.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to already feel ‘special’ and ‘important’ whenever others would compare the works in that gallery to what I do and judging it as ‘less than’ what I do, which is how through comparing works by subjective opinions/ judgments, I came to build up my self-belief as being in fact ‘better’ than others and having ‘all that is required’ to be a great artist based on opinions/ judgments and my own desire to be special, which I used to validate my desire to be and become an artist.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to go into my ego-mode and actually voice out that ‘yes, the artworld needs some ‘Marlen’ in it’ as a way to validate that I was in fact ‘better’ than others as a way to make myself feel like I was already a ‘true artist’ because others could recognize it as well –
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, from these moments, feel More secure to make the decision to go to art school, because of what my friends would say about ‘my art,’ and deeming them as great judgments because they are ‘cultured people’ and ‘well read’ which meant that their opinions/ judgments were ‘valid’ in my mind-scheme of values, wherein if someone else had said, it would not have mattered that much – but because they ‘knew of art’ and would be validating my stuff = I felt like such validations were Real and ‘truth’ and ‘meaningful’ for me to take them into consideration and think that I should then be ‘really’ good at it
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look at works of art with a critical eye, wherein I am not here as myself breathing and embracing other’s expression as self, but immediately compare myself and what I do to ‘what others do,’ accessing the value-mode of seeing myself as better/ worse than other’s works, which is unacceptable because when existing in superiority, I would feel ‘good’ about my work- and when seeing myself as less/ worse than the artwork on the wall, I’d go into depression and self-deprecation.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to take pride on what I do as ‘my art’ and whenever I compare it as being ‘better than’ others’ works of art in specific galleries, building up this sense of trust and confidence which is not Self-Confidence and Self-Trust, but only validation of the ego through comparison, which is then nothing else but another value-game that I accepted and allowed myself to play as ‘the rules’ within the artworld.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to go into daydreaming, fantasizing about myself being the one having that show in that art gallery, being proudly recognized and praised in my home town, going far away into me traveling around the world with my works – wherein I used this daydreaming to fuel the ‘artist’ personality, beginning to believe myself to be better than others and be special, which is how I initiated my career and taking pride based on others’ judgments toward my work.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I only had to get myself a license to ‘be an artist’ to be validated in the artworld, which is how I saw everything as ‘very simple’ to do without really taking into consideration all aspects and dimensions of my decision, but simply making a decision based on my daydreaming, others’ opinions upon what I do and using that as a validation to be and become ‘an artist.’
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be driven by my desires to be famous wherein ‘going to New York’ to one day exhibit my work became like this Mecca for me, wherein I associated being able to one day present my work there as the ultimate lifetime achievement, believing that I could only be ‘fulfilled’ and consider myself as ‘successful’ if I could get to that place one day as a ‘consummated artist,’ not realizing that I was in fact just following my dreams and not really giving a fuck about the world, the actual system that we live in but falling into the trap of seeking my own desires and dreams while having only the ‘intention’ to do some ‘good for the world’ only once that I could get to such position, which is absolutely what any other charity works like: only giving a little of the ‘greatness’ achieved as money as fame/ fortune for the ‘have nots’ and feel better about myself within such future projection as in: following my dreams BUT also supporting the ‘poor ones.’ Which is absolutely, unacceptable – and
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to access shame of myself as how I existed back then, because of the world system, this entire reality never having been a part of my plans and decisions in life, but only following what everyone else was busy doing: seeking to be successful in any ‘field’ of reality that they wanted to develop themselves in, just for the sake of personal interest/ personal development wherein an actual point of Self-Responsibility toward the world was Never considered as part of the plans, which is how I allow myself to let go of the regret that I’ve been holding on to with regards to this choice I made in my life based on my own desires, wants, needs and delusional dreams of grandeur that I actually followed until everything was clear enough for me: I had brainwashed myself and others to support my decision based on self-interest and the ego-praise that everyone in society supports – whereas when one stops following such ‘dream,’ one is seen as ‘not successful’ simply because the specialness and perpetuation of the ego is not ‘here’ any longer, which is placing a stop to the system of career-choices to enhance egos/ keeping the system in place, as I realize that standing for life in equality is not better or worse than, it’s just a life-decision to take self-responsibility.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to daydream about ‘elite people’ bowing down to my work which only gave me a sensation of power over those that I would perceive as ‘more powerful’ than me, due to all the money they have, which I took as a challenge to walk through, because of all the previous judgments I had held toward ‘the elite’ people and the artworld itself, wanting to prove to others that I could be ‘praised by those with money’ and in that, building a fortress around myself as my own ego.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to make a decision about me being ‘sure enough’ to be an artist after all the daydreaming/ future projection with backchat in my mind, seeing myself as ‘totally making it’ according to what others would say about me/ my work as well, which made me confident enough to propose this to my parents and let them know that ‘art was my REAL profession, and that I had to be/ become an artist no matter what.’
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I had a ‘true passion to create,’ without realizing that I was simply using the same lingo charged with feelings of grandeur toward art/ art creation and that I used this as a tool to convince myself, others and my parents specifically to support my decision to study art, letting them know that ‘I cannot envision myself doing anything else in this world other than art,’ which is a great fallacy and self manipulation to only follow my dreams of superiority, fame, fortune, money, recognition and grandeur that I sought.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to convince myself to make life-decisions based on the desires stemming from myself as my ego, stemming from myself as the acceptance of a desire as a separation of who I am as one and equal wherein art became this ‘idolized’ field of reality that I wanted to be a part of, just because of how I programmed myself to see it as an elevated and ‘evolved’ human activity, how I deemed it as something special, a ‘divine gift’ to see the world in a ‘different way,’ and within this justifying that I had to drop out of literature and change my plans in life, following the ‘big jackpot’ in the artworld.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself in the moment of doubting my decision by using a point of comparison to what I was studying then and saying ‘I cannot see myself remaining studying literature’ – which became a way to simply manipulate myself further into believing I was making the ‘best decision ever’ now that I had gathered others’ perspectives upon who I am and my own life.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to limit myself within the belief of ‘my thing is to create’ as an actual self-manipulation that I’d play out in order to talk-myself-into believing that I could only become an artist, I could ‘only’ be satisfied following these dreams, which became also a fear within me when going into the opposite point of ‘not making it’ and fearing the failure of myself within it – yet deliberately shoving such fear away because of the extent of the ‘positive validations’ I got from others and myself included to believe that: there was No way I could fail in this…
I realize how limited it is for us to only have to decide ‘who/ what we are’ as only a profession, instead of living the expansion of who and what we are as one and equals and in that, realizing that no matter what we do, as long as we are taking the whole into consideration: we will stand by the decision we take as life supports life and there is no ‘wrong decision’ within doing what’s best for all.
Ideal Future 2003 (she still looked clueless and worried lol)
Self Corrective Statements:
When and as I see myself making decisions based on other’s opinions about ‘what I am good at’ wherein only a self-belief as personality is considered, I stop and I breathe – I realize that I must direct myself in a way wherein Who I Am is no longer bound to a preference, a desire, an ideal of myself in my life but instead decide to direct my life in a way that I can ensure that the choice that I make will be in support of myself and all equally, taking a position in my world wherein I can actually dedicate my life to Life itself, supporting myself and others, which implies that I must establish my own equality and oneness so that there are no more desires existent within me to ‘fulfill’ in separation of what’s best for all, but I ensure that I walk the decision to dedicate myself to life, and within this, whatever decision I take on in any particular field, the starting point of it will be very clear: life in equality as myself in all ways.
When and as I see myself doubting my own choice, I realize that in such allowance of becoming the doubt, I am diminishing myself to uncertainty that is existent only when a conflict of interests exists within me – which implies that I must clarify for myself first where such doubt stems from – what am I trying to protect? What and who am I manipulating to impose ‘my way’ as ‘my choice,’ instead of considering at all times what is best for all life – within this, I realize that any friction and conflict emerging from a decision based on common sense, must be specifically scrutinized to see where I am creating such conflict from self-interest, desires, wants and needs that I realize are always in the way of the consideration of what’s best for all life.
When and as I see myself resorting to the memory of myself as ‘an artist’ to create an idea of not being ‘satisfied’ with my life, I stop and I breathe. I realize that such idea of self was created from the starting point of everything that I allowed myself to be only as my mind, which implies that ‘who I am’ here as a common sensical being will no longer be bound to a preference, an ideal or desire of ‘who I want to be,’ but instead realize that I am already here, walking the living decision to support myself as life, and within that, seeing that no ‘dream’ can ever be an actual self-directed decision as dreams are always only based on what the mind places in our ‘heads’ to continue existing in the limitation of personality, ego/ preference – thus, I ‘remind’ myself that This process implies letting go of my personal interests in the name of ALL as Equals wherein there is no need to only be ‘one single thing’ and diminishing myself to one single point, but instead, learn to expand myself in a way that I can verify I am in fact supporting myself and others, which will imply at all times the consideration of life in Equality and never more just a ‘career’ or ‘profession’ based on likes and dislikes and personal dreams.
When and as I see myself going into the hypothetical daydreaming activity of ‘who I could have been if I have ‘given it all’ to my career’ – I stop and I breathe. I realize that I have bound myself to such dreams and idealizations of my life based on the accumulation of desires linked to people’s opinions about myself, my work/ my life, and that in no way I ever considered life in equality in such equation of ‘career choice’ – thus I see that everything that I have to ‘let go of’ was never in fact ‘real’ as myself, as it was only based on preferences and future projections that I in no way walked in an equal-and-one consideration of myself as life and all. Thus, I let go of the dream for the illusion that it always was.
When and as I see myself daydreaming about ‘all that could have been’ in relation to myself and the art career, I realize that such dreams were stemming from my desires to be famous, recognized and ‘praised’ as an ego that was formed when listening to others and my own backchat about myself being ‘special’ and ‘unique,’ which is the most basic form of ego-driven decisions that exist, therefore I realize that in order to walk my decision to life/ to live, I can no longer hold any dream as valuable within my decision. Once that I have made the decision to live, I ensure that any temptation as a daydreaming moment is an indication that I am not wanting to face a particular living-decision that requires my attention and focus to not deviate from the position of Self-Responsibility that I have decided to walk, thus I breathe and bring here the point that is leading me to ‘desire escaping = desire my daydreams’ due to how I had connected my career to a way to be evasive toward and of the world itself.
When and as I see myself basing people’s opinions and judgments upon myself/ the world based on the idea/ belief and perception that I have of them as ‘well-cultured’ / knowledgeable/ intelligent beings, I stop and I breathe – I realize that this is me just perpetuating the same system of values that are in fact abusive toward the world system, maintaining specialness and hierarchies over the realization of life in equality. I stop wanting to remain within a special ‘group of people’ that can be considered as ‘well cultured/ knowledgeable/ intellectual’ as the people I used to hang out with and have relationships toward, as I see that none that has ever contributed to a world in Equality, nor is there any Real care and consideration to doing something that will create a real change in life, and our world. Thus I let go of the dream for the fallacy that it always was and the judgments/ opinions from others that it was backed up with.
When and as I see myself fearing not fulfilling the ideas/ beliefs and perceptions others had about me and my life/ future within the belief that I would get to be someone ‘great’ and ‘extraordinary,’ I stop and I breathe – I realize that all those expectations were only a heavy load for me to remain as the ‘ever perfection’ idea of myself that was backed up by people around me, wherein I then created this great expectation upon myself, falling into a disillusionment and even self-belittlement the moment that such high-expectations were not able to be fulfilled. Which is how and why I can now see that none of that was ever of any value as Life and what’s best for all was in no way considered in such plans as ‘my life’ and ‘who I want to be,’ – thus I let go of the dreams for the fallacies that they are and entail.
When and as I see myself going back to the pattern of ‘wanting to create only’ I realize that this is mostly an evasive pattern that I used to seclude myself, forget about the world and everyone and essentially fuel my self-obsessions and desires without any common sense direction to my life and ‘who I am’
Thus, the realization that I get from this is that I chose a career in order to fly away from the world, not having to face myself and the ‘monetary system’ because of seeing it as ‘the bad guy’ and ‘the monster’ that wanted to only suck us dry – deciding to instead make art as a ‘noble way’ to earn money, without ever even pondering that I could support myself to be the change that I wanted to see in the world instead of finding ways to evade it and run away from it. I make sure that the decisions that I take on as my life from here on are based on what is best for all, wherein all forms of desires are seen as the limited version of myself that I thought myself to be, that I created of myself as to limit my real capacity and ability to do that which I thought was impossible: create a change in this world, and this won’t come only from me following a dream, but taking a position within the system wherein I can ensure that I am no longer controlled by desires and fears to be and become that which I will require to do and become in order to establish a world and reality wherein All can placidly decide what to do with their lives without having a need to ‘have more’ than others or ‘survive’ only, but really be supported from birth to death and in that, having a Real Choice to establish a common sensical living decision for oneself and all as equals.
Desteni Forum for Self Support
Equal Money System so that All can express and live the ‘dreams’ that we are currently only able to hold as an illusion due to MONEY being the main obstacle to be able to express/ live as equals to Life.
- Sex as Positive-Energy Addiction: DAY 74
- The Mind’s Multiplication Effect: DAY 75
This is a continuation to the blogs:
- Day 38: Design of Beliefs
- Day 39: Design of Beliefs Self Forgiveness
- Day 40: Design of Beliefs Self Forgiveness continued..
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