The ‘catching up’ character.
When you encounter yourself with someone that you haven’t seen in a long time, and that you were somehow ‘related’ to each other based on friendship, family-relationship – the usual thing is to ask is ‘What are you up to? or ‘What have you been doing/working on lately?’
In this case, I see that the avoidance to face people is because of – apparently- having to explain myself every time. Yet when looking further into it, is because of not being the ‘same character’ that people used to interact with. However this is also a character: you require to exist as ego in order to have any form of resistance/ avoidance to communicate.
The point here is then having to explain to someone that you are no longer fulfilling the character they remember of you when they ask such questions specifically based on a career/ point that one have previously decided to take on as ‘main character’ in our lives. It is absolutely unnecessary having to create yet another character/ experience of ourselves to interact with someone based on ‘not being the same character’ which would imply fears, anxieties, avoidance, resistance to face people, etc.
I realize that to interact here with another does not require me to put on the character that ‘explains herself’ to others, but instead is HereSelf at all times.
Pattern: adjusting my responses in a conversation according to what I think, believe or perceive the other one is expecting me to be/ communicate about.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hesitate/ go into self doubt in the moment that I hear the question ‘What have you been creating lately/ what are you busy with?’ because of having ‘no artistic projects on the table’ as ‘I should’ because of the career that I studied, without realizing that this is me fearing not fulfilling others’ expectations based on the ideals, beliefs and perceptions of ‘who I am’ as ‘the art lover’ that used to always talk about painting, taking pictures all the time and essentially portraying myself a ‘the living artwork’ toward others, so that they could confirm that ‘I was a true artist’ at all times.
When and as I see myself reacting to hearing the questions ‘What are you up to?/ What are you busy with?’ I stop and I breathe. I realize that my reactions are based on the idea, belief or perception of me having to reply in a certain way that I can fulfill another’s idea of myself in their minds, which I am not. Thus I direct myself to simply share what it is that I am doing in the moment and that’s it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the other person is looking at me with a gesture of condescending gullibility when I explain myself as working ‘on myself’ as my own art project, without realizing that this is because it is essentially made-up point that I am using for the sake of still keeping my character as ‘the artist’ in the academy. Thus, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from my own self-awareness tags in order to make it an art project, just because of me not fully ‘believing’ myself to be it, without realizing that this is not a matter of proving myself to someone, nor is it about ‘making up stories,’ but this is in fact about myself and the process of self-correction that I am living and applying as myself.
When and as I see myself expecting others to judge me because of not being specifically doing something formally ‘plastic,’ I stop and I breathe. I direct myself to share myself unconditionally regardless of what others may think, believe or perceive about myself in the moment that I am unconditionally sharing myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that someone else can ‘mock me’ for what I’m doing, just because of them ‘knowing of art’ and as such, thinking that my project is not ‘good enough’ to be sold as art, without realizing that this is not about art, or myself, or my career, but about me being playing a character in order to be liked/ accepted by another person toward whom I had developed a ‘special bond’ with in relation to being able to talk about art, photography, politics, culture and, because this being is in my family, believing that ‘I cannot let him down on this,’ without realizing that in this I am in fact speaking as ego wanting to remain as that ‘special being’ in his mind, compromising myself and my unconditional expression toward him, as who and what I am currently walking as myself.
When and as I see myself fearing being judged by another when explaining my work, what I am currently busy living, applying and supporting myself with and others equally as ‘my life,’ I stop and I breathe. I realize that only a character would care/ be affected by whatever judgment can stem as feedback to what I do. I realize that whatever I do is for and as myself at all times in the consideration of what’s best for all, and that anything else is only judgments based on fulfilling/not fulfilling a particular character toward others and myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel the need to excuse and validate what I’m doing toward others, without realizing that in this single step of ‘wanting to validate myself at the eyes of others’ is ego, as I am then not communicating myself as what I’m waking, the current process of who I am in that moment, but instead wanting to exist for others, which can only ‘exist’ as a mind character playing out the exact same psychles as always.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to still remain as someone that is a certain character that I had given value to as ‘who I am,’ which is and was never real as it was based on creating things to validate such ‘profession’ in separation of myself, just as how this entire world system works – thus I stop believing that I have to validate myself toward others and simply share what I have been doing as my own walking of this process as self support and extending it to others, which is what and who I am at the moment – hence always communicating in the moment, instead of having to adequate myself in order to fit any standard.
When and as I see myself wanting to explain myself, validating my words at the eyes of others, I stop and I breathe. I move to express myself in the moment unconditionally.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having to ‘dissolve’ the ‘old me’ toward old ‘friends’ and family, which are the ones that remained thinking that I was still fully into art.
When and as I see myself trying to hide/ suppress and magically dissolve the ‘old me’ toward family member and friends, I stop and I breathe. I communicate myself in the moment in relation to what I am being/ doing.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify myself by saying ‘I have not stopped, I have just focused on doing some other things’ which is just an excuse and self-validation as to not completely lose the ‘title’ as ‘an artist’ at the eyes of others.
When and as I see myself trying to justify what I’ve been doing and why I have not participated in any formal artwork, I stop and I breathe – I realize that fear to lose ‘my character’ is behind this – thus, there’s nothing to cover up her.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and protect an idea of myself toward others due to the value I had given to the entire character as a ‘passionate artist’ I believed myself to be.
When and as I see myself trying to protect an idea of myself – I stop and I breathe – I realize that no idea I hold of myself in separation of who I am here as breath is real.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear disappointing another based on how he ‘liked my art,’ wherein I ‘dislike’ having to ‘let him down’ for not following through as I expected myself to do. I stop manipulating myself into feeling that I am doing something ‘wrong’ by not continuing creating what I expected myself to be and become.
When and as I see myself fearing disappointing people/ friends/family in relation to my career, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I can only defend a single idea of myself based on ‘who I am’ toward others – which is not real and only a character. Thus, I direct myself to communicate myself without holding any expectation about it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like I’ve ‘wasted an entire artistic education’ because I am not creating any longer – I realize that I cannot define myself based on the past and what I am supposed to do with certain education. I am not defined by ‘having to create’ or ‘having to be an artist’ as this is only a career and a character that is not based on the physicality that I am here – thus any belief and self-recrimination is only a way to manipulate myself into believing that I am doing something ‘wrong’ for not being /becoming that which I expected myself to become.
When and as I see myself thinking and experiencing a ‘lack of commitment’ toward my career, I stop and I breathe. I realize that what I am doing is my decision to live and not to remain as the character I manipulated myself to be and become. Thus, I stop any judgment in relation to what I am doing/ what I am not doing, and continue supporting myself to establish myself here as a living being.
To Be Continued