I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to accept a belief within me about there being something ‘off’ within my behavior because of being called crazy and ‘not a normal girl,’ which I then took as a point of pride because it would make me feel at least ‘special’ in a way, which then turned into an excuse to play out a character that would essentially justify any decision in life based on having been dubbed ‘crazy,’ hence taking such belief as myself as ‘who I am’ and making myself embody/ become it to the best of my possibility, so as to spite anyone that had called me that way.
When and as I see myself judging my expression because of thinking that ‘I am not being normal,’ I stop and I breathe – I realize that I’m acting out of the past according to a single label as ‘the crazy one’ that I believed is/was ‘who I am,’ which I used in order to make myself ‘honor’ the label and as such remain only as an ‘out of the ordinary’ character as a basic ‘eccentric personality’ which is how I realize that we become that which others believe ourselves to be just by giving us a single label and us taking such label as ‘real,’ when in fact it has nothing to do with who I really am here as a physical breathing living being.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I didn’t have to apply self forgiveness for a point that I had deemed as ‘petty’ to consider walking in self-forgiveness, without realizing that it is in the small things that I created entire personalities linked to being called ‘crazy’ and ‘abnormal,’ which I mostly took as a point of inferiority that I converted into a superiority point in order to ‘spite’ the people that had called me crazy or abnormal while growing up, without realizing how such ‘normal’ and ‘abnormal’ standards were created by parents that would only deem certain characters to be ‘acceptable,’ as such characters would lead to securing a financial future for the child when growing up, as sociable and charismatic people tend to ‘make it’ in the world of business and social relationships that lead to having lots of money – apparently.
When and as I see myself considering certain points of Self Forgiveness as ‘petty’ to apply Self-Forgiveness for, I stop and I breathe – I realize that we as the mind tend to make these points ‘less’ in order to keep our entire characters in place. Thus I open up the point and walk the necessary corrections in order to see and realize ‘who I am’ at the moment in relation to such perceived ‘petty’ point.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to as a child fear being judged by others for not speaking, for not wanting to have friends and communicate with other kids , creating several tantrums whenever my mother wanted me to ‘team me up’ with other kids to play, just because I didn’t want to do it – thus creating an entire reaction every time that there was a kid in a social-situation wherein I believed that I had to then socialize with them just because ‘we were kids.’ I would become absolutely fearful of having another kid in the same situation because I knew that the ‘grown ups’ would team us up to play and get along together, but I didn’t want to because I always wanted to be a ‘grown up’ in those moments – hence being called by my mother as being ‘ugly’ because I would not want to communicate and interact with other kids.
When and as I see myself thinking and believing that I am in fact being ‘antisocial’ for not wanting to communicate and speak, I stop and I breathe- I realize that this is a condition that I acquired from when I was a child and my mother would force me to interact with people – grownups and children – using subtle threats for me to do so, which would make me fearful of ‘what would happen’ if I didn’t want to interact with other children.
I realize that in my mind I’ve made of my mother ‘the ogre’ in my life, blaming her for my own experience however it was really me that accepted and allowed such self-victimization in order to always be alone and always have things working my way as that would make me feel like special in my ‘not belonging’ ideas.
I realize that at the moment any point o barrier to communicate with another can only exist if I hold a judgment toward myself and another being – yet I am not defined by ‘who I have been’ in relation to communication and my apparent reservedness as a child.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to go into absolute fear and anxiety every time that we as a family when I was a child go into a social reunion and there was a table specially for kids, and I would simply be wishing and hoping that I would not be forced to sit along with the other kids, simply because of me always wanting to be with the adults, because of believing that I had ‘more in common’ with the adults which is a belief that I held throughout my life in order to feel ‘special’ about myself and not being like all the other kids. Yet because I would not communicate about this, I would only create a point of friction with my mother because of her judging me for not wanting to be with other kids.
When and as I see myself believing that I have ‘more in common’ with adults/ older people than me nowadays, I stop and I breathe – I realize that I am acting out of the memory of childhood wherein I would always prefer to be with ‘older people’ than kids my age, simply because of believing myself to be a ‘special kid’ that was ‘very mature’ for her age and within that, making all other kids and younger kids as ‘less than me,’ which is what plays out as a point of judgment and comparison toward other beings in relation to ‘who they are’ as their age. Thus I see and realize that a being is not an age, is not a cultural background or even popular-culture associations that I can use to ‘get along with,’ but a single being that is also part of this world and as such what we have in common is being part of the human race that lives and coexists in the same planet – I do not require some point of ‘affinity’ toward others in order to establish communication.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to as a child to go upstairs into my room whenever my mother was attempting to get me to play with other kids, which I absolutely rejected because of believing and perceiving that ‘I was not a normal child’ and as such, I would not want to play ‘childish games,’ but I wanted to be talking to grown ups or watching MTV which is how I created myself as an ‘anti-social person’ that would not get along with people her age for several years until I allowed myself to ‘be a child’ again.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to desire to be older in order to like the type of music that I was listening to when I was 7 years old, which my cousins/kids used to judge me for, saying that I was not a ‘normal child’ because of watching MTV instead of cartoons.
When and as I see myself creating a point of separation toward people based on the age group they belong to and believing that ‘I’d rather be talking to older people that I can relate to’ is in fact me speaking from the character of ‘I only get along with grown ups and not younger people’ based on the idea of ‘I am more mature than others.’ Thus I breathe, I stop and direct myself to communicate with others without taking into consideration their gender, sex or nationality – all beings equal and one here.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that there was something profoundly wrong within me for not wanting to play with other kids, often getting to the point of crying because of not wanting to do it, because of not wanting to be forced to do it – therefore creating this anxiety in social events such as parties and so forth because of having gotten stuck with the belief that I would have to be socializing with other kids ‘whether I liked it or not,’ which is how I would mostly remain sitting at the table, because going outside would imply kids wanting me to play with them and I didn’t want that.
When and as I see myself still triggering any form of experience when going to a social event/ situation and having a fear of ‘having to socialize’ I stop and I breathe – I realize that I am acting out of the memory of having ‘loathed’ to socialize with others and the distress that I would create whenever I was forced to do so – thus I direct myself to simply remain here as breath and when and if the opportunity to speak arises, I speak, I share, I communicate – yet I do not judge myself for not speaking either, as I realize that any belief of ‘having to socialize’ was imposed as a parental order that I simply complied to out of fear.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to start avoiding social interactions based on the premise and memory of my mother pushing me/ forcing me to socialize with other kids, simply because I would not want to do it ‘by myself’ apparently – yet deep inside me I was only wanting to be self-directive to do it ‘on my own,’ which is how I would always react whenever my parents wanted to ‘do things for me’ such as hooking me up with friends to socialize with.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to create a notorious preference to only want to socialize with ‘my best friends’ from school and seeing everyone else as ‘less than’ my friends – which is how I would mostly deem that I had nothing to do with other kids, leading me to simply remain alone and wanting to go home to be alone, wherein I would not be ‘disturbed’ by others, which is essentially not being challenged to step out of the rigid preferential character that I developed as a child, wherein I became an elitist from an early age because of only wanting to ‘socialize’ with kids that ‘I liked’/ my best friends – and making everyone else just less than and annoying, therefore developing a character that would only have ‘few friends’ that I would be able to fully express myself with, reducing such friends to one or two people in my world that would support my judgments toward the idea of being with ‘too many people’ and/ or being deliberately apathetic in social situations, wherein I would sometimes push myself to go just because of not wanting to be judged again as ‘the hermit’ and ‘the weird odd one that never goes out’
When and as I see myself wanting to go ‘go home’ whenever I am in a social situation, I stop and I breathe – I realize that I made of ‘my home’ my safe heaven to not have to challenge my ‘rigid patterns’ as characters that I have believed can be influenced if I am ‘too exposed’ to the world. Thus I direct myself to move and open myself up with others without any form of prejudice toward doing so, as I see and realize that it is only through communicating and sharing with others indiscriminately that we can actually establish an equal and one recognition of who we are as physical beings in this world, and as such learn how to coexist in a way wherein our characters do not interfere in our communication, but stick to physical practical common sense at all times.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself when being silent among others, as I see, realize and understand that these are essentially beliefs that I created about a ‘social context/ situation’ as a place where I had to speak no matter what by force, thus creating a general negative experience whenever I attended any form of party and not really enjoying it because of being fearing having to socialize with other kids and play games and ‘act childish’ which I judged as ‘inferior’ for my age – even though in reality I was in fact an infant.
When and as I see myself believing that I am being judged for being silent, I stop and I breathe – I realize that I grew up with the belief that whenever I was with other beings I had to be talking in order to be sociable and ‘charismatic,’ without realizing that this is just a belief system and that there is no need for me to be constantly speaking in order to be accepted and judged as ‘normal’ by others.
I realize that I would have not created such a fear to speak as a child if I had not been pushed and deliberately to do so, which is how it only became a way for me to ‘go against’ my mother, as part of that ‘opposition’ I developed against ‘her rules,’ which is how I see and realize that it was mostly a rebellious pattern that I took as ‘who I am’ toward others, and believing myself to be anti social, without realizing that if I had been left to socialize ‘at my own pace,’ I would not have created such a friction and resistance to do so, simply because we tend to oppose and go against that which we are forced to do by our parents. Thus
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having judged myself and gotten even angry for me not being able to understand why I was so reluctant to get along with other kids, becoming essentially a hermit by choice and having this memory of me being in a party at my house and just going upstairs and locking myself into my room because of not wanting to play with other kids. My mother came eventually came in and got very angry at me because I didn’t want to participate with other kids, thus beginning crying and not being able to understand why I disliked being with other kids, why I resisted getting along with other kids and why my mother would be so infuriated about me not socializing. I realize that I would react because of it being an imposition and not a point of self-directed expression, which is how I developed myself to be a loner or a person with ‘few friends.’ What I would then believe and do is simply oppose and distance myself from any person that in my mind ‘at the eyes of my mother’ would be a ‘suitable friend,’ just because of keeping that point of opposition and friction toward my mother at all cost, which is how I developed a personality that would go against what I perceived were ‘her parameters’ and expectations’ toward me – and choosing people as friends and relationships that I knew would not be fully accepted by her, which all came as a point of spitefulness from the times when I was a child and being forced to interact with other kids.
When and as I see myself going into any form of ‘down’ experience because of apparently not being able to ‘relate’ to others in a social context, I stop and I breathe – I realize that this is just stemming from the past memories of me being forced to socialize wherein I would then believe there was something ‘abnormal’ within me for not wanting to play with other kids. I direct myself to simply be in the moment and taking to people as who they are in the moment and realizing that I do not have to speak all the time, yet I do not have to go and hide either as I realize that the moments when and as I see myself wanting to ‘get out’/ ‘get away’/ ‘go to my room/house’ is in fact a character taking place wherein I am believing myself to ‘not have anything to do’ with the context in the moment.
Thus I ensure that whenever I decide to remain quiet, I do so from the starting point of being here as breath – and whenever I see myself wanting to go to my room, it is an actual self-directive decision in self honesty and not stemming from backchat of inadequacy in particular social contexts such as parties/ reunions and events with more than the usual people in my environment.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to avoid or even reject looking at myself as ‘antisocial’ because of believing myself Not to be so – yet by resisting it, it is implying that I am in fact fearing labeling myself as antisocial, without realizing that I don’t have to be ANY label at all, as all that I am is here as a physical being that in no way is defined by a single label denoting an aspect of myself that was created out of an imposition/ fear by parents or society in general.
I realize that I decide who I am in every moment when and while being interacting with other beings, and I ensure that I am not defining ‘who I am’ in every moment as in seeing ‘which character am I playing?’ in a social context – I direct myself to remain breathing and participating/ communicating and not considering ‘who I am supposed to be’ within such situations.
I commit myself to expose how when parents force their children to socialize, children develop the opposite pattern as the friction created by instigating communication through force is definitely something that remains as a ‘grudge’ within the child, developing anti-social patterns just because of parents always wanting kids to be and do ‘positive things,’ which is actually stemming from the fear of kids being – in this case – antisocial.
I commit myself to remain silent if I see and realize that I am here breathing and that I do not require to be talking all the time in order to exist.
I commit myself to expose how children are indoctrinated to be ‘optimum’ within the social standards that regard ‘sociable kids’ as charismatic, happy and joyful as people that will grow up to develop proper social relationships in order to make money and survive in this world. Thus I see and realize how as children we are immediately being wrought in order to become ‘good social material’ in order to ensure our own survival in a world where ‘sociable people’ make the most money because they are ‘positively charged’ and this is what ‘the system likes,’ never considering what such impositions have created upon a child. Thus children in an Equal Money System will never have to be and become subject and or forced to act in a particular way to ensure their survival as money will be given to all to have a dignified life from birth to death, which will enable real expression to develop within children and adults once that we stop binding each other to ‘social norms’ that lead to a ‘successful living.’
- Mind Backup Resources – Part 1 (Self-Forgiveness): DAY 111
- Day 111: INNER STRUCTURE of an Equal Money System – Part 1
August 7th, 2012 at 5:33 pm
[…] 111. ‘Why aren’t you normal?’ (marlenvargasdelrazo.wordpress.com) Share this:PrintDigg Pin ItShare on TumblrMoreEmailLike this:LikeBe the first to like this. […]
August 12th, 2012 at 12:47 am
[…] is a pattern that I have played out throughout my life and that I’ve mentioned in the blog 111. ‘Why aren’t you normal? which is a desire to be Left […]
December 1st, 2012 at 11:29 am
[…] I also remember looking at other kids in the supermarket, crying and throwing a tantrum toward their parents so that the parents would buy them toys, and I would feel as if I was ‘over that,’ already comparing myself to others and basing the ‘who I am’ in relation to other kids, but I would do the same, probably not about getting a toy or something like that, sometimes I would throw a tantrum just to not have to go and play with other kids. Hence the whole thing of ‘you are not normal!’ (Read: 111. ‘Why aren’t you normal?‘) […]