127. Confessions of a Control Freak

I Forgive myself that  I have accepted and allowed myself to relate the word control to myself as a negative experience in relation to the illusion of being able to control another’s expression/ words as well as my environment, to the extent where whenever I hear the word ‘control’ I try to hide and suppress the actual identification that I have kept within myself, in a rather foolish manner as who am I as control but fear itself.

When and as I see myself reacting to the word control – I stop and I breathe – I realize that control does not exist, it is an illusion that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as in order to try and create a point of external stability within an environment and toward others’ words and deeds, which is separation.

 

Thus I realize that control as a living word means directing myself as one and equal, which implies taking into consideration another’s context so that I ensure that who I am within a particular moment toward another is not superior, nor inferior, nor separated from another but instead, allow myself to see where and how I can direct myself as an equal to that something/ someone and as such, realize that any illusion of control only exists as a desire stemming from actual fear of an environment/ someone in my mind.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the illusion of control wherein if something/someone’s expression/ words are out of place/ out of my schemes I react in anxiety as that is something that I cannot possibly ‘control,’ which is only indicating that I haven’t established myself as an equal and one relationship to that something/ someone, as I am still existing within the illusion and belief of me having any control upon something/ someone.  

When and as I see myself reacting in anxiety when seeing something/ someone’s words and deeds being ‘out of my control,’ I stop and I breathe – Instead of reacting with backchat, I direct myself to take a deep breath and see where I am reacting to words according to such words being directed toward me and instead see where and how I can direct myself to an equal and one consideration/ starting point of self-support.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the backchat ‘why did he/she say that? Why the fuck is he/she still thinking about that?’ wherein I am implying that I want the person to already be ‘beyond’ a particular way of thinking, which is me wanting to impose my own ideals of what another should be talking about/ expressing according to my own schemes that I have imposed onto a particular person, wherein I then project judgment upon another by standing in an apparent superiority mode as if ‘I knew better’ at all times – within this

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually fear that the words/ the expression is related to me as the ‘who I am’ in my mind, wherein then I react in a extreme want/ need/ desire to control their expression just because of how I am in fact identifying myself with what’s being said, which implies that I am in reality fearing myself being hurt/ damaged/ thought about in a similar way by another, which implies that I am fearing thoughts as if they implied any real harm toward another, as I see and realize that all thoughts are self-created and as such, the consequences exist only toward oneself at all time.

I realize that I then take responsibility for my own words, thoughts and deeds wherein instead of wanting to control another’s backchat and thoughts, I focus on stopping my reactions to words themselves as words are innocent – yet it is us and the relationships we have created with words that are the actual point of abuse.

When and as I see myself fearing another’s words/ backchat being related to me in any way whatsoever, I stop and I breathe – I realize that it is me allowing myself to be separated from words and creating a reaction to them by taking them ‘personally’ and I see and realize that the only thing that can take something personal is the ego of the mind as in the physical, all words that are not able to be lived are simply irrelevant to who and what I am here.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to control others expression/words/ deeds in order for me to remain ‘safe’ within the predictability that such point of constancy and consistency as a form of control upon others represent, wherein nothing goes ‘out of MY control’ and in that, ensuring that I remain within a position of comfort and familiarity, not realizing how this sense of ‘comfort and familiarity’ within an apparent control of my environment/ others within it, is actually a constant application of actually fearing the ‘unpredictable’ which is always something feared in relation to what others can ‘do to me’/ how something can directly affect me, which reveals the application of control as a form of absolute self interest, wherein such interest stands as a strong desire to keep everything ‘under my control’ as a form of power and superiority in my mind so that ‘nothing can harm me.’

I see and realize that my application of and as control has always existed as a cover up for the actual fear of things being ‘out of my control’ and in that, realizing that I have never in fact being in control of anything or anyone, as I see and realize how we have never even been able to be actually controlling/ self-directing our own thoughts, movements and actions at all times. Thus I see how the illusion of control is just another form of fear masked with superiority upon others, exerted through means and ways that impose fear in order to create an illusion of ‘order and stability,’ which is part of the totalitarian means in which I allowed myself to develop a form of stability as a character within/as control.

 

When and as I see myself wanting to create a point ‘order and stability’ within controlling others expression/ words, I stop and I breathe – I see and realize that I am in fact fearing things going ‘out of control’ and the unpredictable-  thus I direct myself to instead of reacting to words/ deeds, I take such words and deeds to support myself to see ‘who I am’ within such words, take responsibility for my reactions and then, if I am able and capable of in the moment, assist and support another to walk through the point of self-delusion as words that imply an obvious point of harm and self-abuse.

 

I realize that the responsibility that we hold toward words is individual – and this implies that I take responsibility for the words that I exert/ express as a form and within/as the desire for control, as well as the reactions toward words that I assess within my mind as being ‘out of my control,’ wherein I see the point as separate from me instead of seeing and realizing that real harm would not be only existent as words but as an actual living out of such harm in a physical manner.

Thus I assist and support myself as another to walk through words that imply an obvious point of self-abuse/ physical abuse toward oneself or another and as such see how the point is not to control another’s words implying abuse, but assisting and supporting them to walk through the point of abuse once that I have Self-Forgiven and written out a point of practical application in relation to stopping reactions toward words and focus on assisting and supporting another to do the same.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear imposing myself and often holding the backchat of ‘I am a really difficult person to deal with,’ wherein I believe that If I was in another’s shoes talking to me, I’d be wanting to throw a tantrum against myself, which implies how I haven’t equalized myself to my expression of self-direction in equality, which is the definition of control that I see I am allowing myself to live and apply in order to assist and support myself to give myself and others equal and one direction toward that which is best for all, which is what we as the mind fear, resist or react to simply because we have never stood one and equal as our minds.

I see and realize that the reactions toward the word control can only exist if I allow myself to create a point of superiority or inferiority in relation to what control means – thus I realize that in my mind any application of control has stemmed from an actual fear of ‘not being controlling something/ someone’ which implies by default that I had never in fact stood in an equal and one “relationship” to another, but always creating either an inferiority or superiority point.

Inferiority – In-fear-I roar- it – which is how control as an apparent/ illusionary form of control as ‘grandiosity/ magnificence/ god status’ is created, which is how superiority stems from this point of actual fear as inferiority toward something/ someone.

 

When and as I see myself thinking/ backchatting ‘I am a real difficult person to deal with’ – I stop and I breathe – I realize that this is a statement of self manipulation wherein I am in fact victimizing myself as ‘an ogre/ a control freak’ upon others to justify my actual desire to continue controlling. Thus Instead I take a deep breath so stop participating in my own self-manipulative backchat to not change my application within self-righteousness and instead, allow myself to place myself in the shoes of another when and while interacting to ensure that I am walking-with me here as another, understanding the words being said, clearing any reaction as backchat that may emerge and as such, focus on the direct physical interaction of sharing/ expressing in and as words/ physical movements to ensure that we are on the same physical-page of communication.

 

I see and realize that the relationship toward the word ‘Control’ in itself has been a point of fear masked by/ through the application of control as apparent ‘power’ upon something/ someone, an imposition of sorts to create a sense of stability and immobility that benefits the illusion of ‘normalcy’ within our minds, which is how we have created our laws, rules/ regulation in society wherein we believe that we are  ‘in control’ and living in ‘order,’ just because of these laws, rules and regulations wherein we lure each other to ‘behave’ and ‘align’ to the system as a form of loyalty to it, which is adding a positive experience to this illusion of control that we often call ‘state of law and order’ which is controlling/ imposing an apparent power over the population by instilling fear and punishment for whomsoever attempts to ‘break the law,’ without realizing how such laws were in fact stemming from fear of the unpredictability of our nature

 

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become a control freak the moment I want a particular environment to remain ‘as is’ and be untouched/ undisturbed as this is what I have defined ‘security’ to be about: me being able to decide when to move something and how things must remain and look like as a form of external stability that I condition my own expression to.

 

I realize that this apparent stability is only a visual fix that I have become used to in order to create a sense of normalcy, constancy and consistency wherein the moment that something changes/ goes out of my control, I would react, which is implying that who I am as the mind has created a form of ‘environmental stability’ upon the apparent ‘unchangeable’ aspect of something/ someone, as that would represent such something/ someone would remain as a point of support for my apparent idea/ belief and perception of control upon others/ my environment.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take another’s words personal wherein I immediately would want to control their expression toward me, which implies that I am still reacting to words directly/ indirectly – thus

When and as I see myself reacting to another’s words indirectly or directly – I stop and I breathe – instead of trying to shove the reaction away by upgrading the sense of security and stability as the character of ‘control’ – I investigate why and how it is that I am reacting to such words in separation of myself, and walk the pertinent self forgiveness in order to ensure that who and what I am is in fact equal and one here, hearing/ reading words and in fact supporting me to identify any slightest reaction as a sly-test to see where I am and who I am within the expression of words.

 

I realize that Control as such is just an egotistical treat of the mind to stand as an apparent ‘dominant force’ that can only exist through instilling fear IF such control is not lived as an equal and one self-direction.

Thus I commit myself to live the word control as the equal and one self-direction that I see and realize I am able to live by/ as, standing as an example of how we are practically and physically able to give ourselves direction within the consideration of each other as equals, wherein no more relationship power games of inFEARiority and superiority are existent.

 

I commit myself to physically live the word control in a best for all way wherein we can all finally stop fearing the word control as the apparent imposition of power, as I see and realize that if such power exists as a form of imposed superiority upon something/ someone, it stems from fear and creates fear as a way to create a relationship of inequality and as such of disparity that we then believe is ‘real,’ which is not so in any way at all.

Within this, I assist and support myself and others to live the word control as an equal and one self direction wherein we ensure that we get to know in fact how to be HERE as the physical body, living a practical self-forgiveness alignment to the words we speak in relation to how we live them and that way, stopping fearing each other’s expression, stopping taking words personal and instead investigate them and integrate them to our personal-process self-support to ensure that who we are is in fact equal and one in all ways, which is the process we are walking at Desteni, to reveal to ourselves our own limitations stemming from fear within our own minds, which we are in the process of equalizing ourselves to through walking the Desteni I Process and the material available at Eqafe, which is the type of Psychology that no one has ever in the history of human civilization been able to explain to the T as the information through/ by the Desteni Portal is walking on a daily basis for over 6 years now.

 

An amazing step-by-step explanation of the Quantum Mind has been recently launched at Eqafe, and I suggest you do invest in these series to learn how to slow down ourselves as our mind to begin identifying the actual reason/ starting point of our every word, every deed, every movement that we have simply taken for granted within this accepted and allowed ‘experience’ that we have believed ourselves to be as the mind.

Time to take Self Responsibility for the damage we’ve done to ourselves within and as the possession of ourselves as a mind that thinks.

Consciousness is Not Physical

‘Consciousness is Not Physical’ – 2007

Anu’s lessons on Control:

 

 

Blogs:

About Marlen

I share my realizations and perspectives within learning how to live life in self-honesty to expand and grow as a person in this world. #IMatter View all posts by Marlen

Share your Realizations

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: