I had a dream wherein I had applied for a job at a record store, and I was given a certain schedule that I of course had to cover. However I was rather entertained in my reality with something else, I remember I was interacting or moving around with people and as such when the time came for me to go cover my job schedule, I simply decided not to go and the reason in this case was because ‘I didn’t require the money,’ thus I experienced this absolute laxity toward the point of responsibility simply because I was not being guided by survival to do it, which is something that I can see is related to the motivation/ motive-factor as that energetic point that acts like a crutch for me to move.
The stagnation and deliberate shoving away of responsibilities is part of this point. I’ve lost the ‘fear’ to not do things and within this, I have self sabotaged myself extensively, simply because all the ‘discipline’ that I had lived was in fact only based on fear and keeping up a reputation that in my mind, I could not ‘afford’ to spoil for one second.
When the characters were identified, in my mind I created this point of laxity toward responsibilities, like literally only doing it at the last moment and essentially justifying it – foolishly enough – with me no longer acting out of fear to get things done, but ‘testing my waters’ in relation to my own ‘self-movement’ once that such fear is apparently non existent. And I say ‘apparently’ because it is quite obvious how I actually only turned the tables and went to the opposite of being the ‘on time responsible one’ to be a deliberate procrastinator one. This was all done consciously/ me being aware of it, and the only point that I can see has factored into it is this ‘force’ wherein I have opted to simply give myself away to it and continue placing things aside, postponing it all simply because I don’t perceive such points getting done within a matter of life or death. This reveals to what extent we have only moved when there is either a positive or negative reward and in my case, in the dream, the ‘record store job’ I had always kept in the past as this ‘dream like job’ – even if I am now aware it is not ‘dream-like’ at all – as something that I would do out of pleasure and that was going to apparently only be like an extended hobby. So, in the dream when it came to actually cover my hours, I decided to simply not go and take it as lightly as possible, simply because there was no point ‘behind’ it that was pushing me to do it, to move.
The same has happened in many ways within my reality wherein I actually dislike the fact that we have to be threatened in one way or another to move, however even after knowing this, we simply don’t do it. The words ‘What’s the benefit in it?’ is what comes to mind when looking at ‘points I have to do’ which implies that within such cases I am still ‘expecting’ something good or even something bad coming out of it, and this ‘jaded’ attitude toward consequences is actually another way to not take responsibility for the points that are simply not being done/ not given direction, wherein it is obviously a non-doing situation that cannot possibly be without ‘an experience’ as it is perceived in my mind. I see and realize that it actually has taken quite a hold of myself due to my own deliberate shoving-aside of things that I know I have to do, but I am not doing.
So, the dream revealed to me this aspect of ‘necessity’ to do things out of survival – such as a job- while also deliberately neglecting the compromise I had made to actually do the job, which is something that is ‘so unlike me’ in terms of how I used to function in the past as the character of being a responsible person, whereas now that such point is not so automated or triggered out of fear, I see that it is definitely a point of ‘If I don’t change and if I don’t move, nothing will change and nothing will move.’
We got it all in words, I got all the tools, I realize and see the point – so what is this deliberate mindfuck that I’m playing onto myself? Not doing something out of thinking of the future consequences of it, of the actual time that it would take, of the reviews and criticism that it will take, of the several bureaucratic processes that I am supposed to go through, of all the times that I would have to re-write the damn thing, and within that I see how I have in fact squandered more time when deliberately pushing aside this whole thing believing that somehow it could magically be ‘overlooked’ which is ludicrous and fantastic to my awareness at this very moment, how far I have deluded myself.
For all actions and inactions there’s a consequence – in my dream I did not get to see the point of not showing up for my job, but I can see how as long as ‘my life didn’t depend on it,’ I would unlikely take it serious, which is absolutely unacceptable, as I had made a contract/ commitment to actually do it, regardless of the money-made and my actual need for it, as well as it being supposed to be this ‘job’ that I liked/ wanted to get at some point early on in my life, which also indicates how we can brainwash ourselves to the utmost degree and believe that we ‘got it all covered,’ and when the seemingly petty points emerge, we can in fact realize that such seemingly ‘small decisions’ turn into massive balls of snow that grow and grow the more time keeps rolling.
And this point of consequence can also be observed within the relationship with time and procrastination, how we literally enslave ourselves to this ‘time frame’ wherein actual fear is being built toward the point, unnecessarily so, but because of the amount of energy as resistance/ procrastination that’s been created, we in fact develop it all into this massive ball that is nothing else but our own creation. And this is where in my mind, as the ego, would have wanted to blame it onto everyone else but myself, which is obviously something that cannot possibly exist any further within me.
“Postponement: this Force as ourselves as the Mind operate – where in a moment, our habitual Personality would activate and then this Force would be that “physical experience” within oneself of REALLY not WANTING to push through the Personality pattern/habit, but rather continue following the habitually patterned thoughts/internal conversations and behaviour – essentially in that moment the Mind/Consciousness as ourselves as the accepted and allowed self-defined Personality we’ve become, force ourselves into and as Mind-Submission, giving up on ourselves and the opportunity we would have had in that moment if one had simply taken a breath and committed self to the decision of change/realisation and physically, practically completed/done the task/assignment/responsibility.” – Sunette Spies on
And the nail I have hit my head with today:
for example, can look at contexts of:
“Postponing with School/University Assignments/Tasks – compromising one’s future and survival in this world system that is, unfortunately at this stage really dependent on establishing a profession/having an education. Obviously yes even though this may not be guaranteed, it should still not be an excuse, reason, justification to not utilize the opportunity you have in this moment to complete your education. You do not know what the Future may bring, and therefore, rather utilize the opportunity you have with education, commit yourself to get it done, so as to not have to face the regret of not utilizing this opportunity you have, later in life. It is here in your life/world, therefore – do it, get it done.” – Sunette Spies
This last bit was enough to say Oh mein Gott it is so obviously blatantly here and how it has been deliberately brushed off in order to make it seem like, you know, it’s not relevant, you know I’ll do it later, I’ll Eventually get onto it, I’ll obviously have to get it done. Hence the title wherein it is interesting to see how I can give a dribble and a plethora of excuses as to why I was not doing so, however in the end it is a simple point of choosing to be/become the mind that seeks for a point of comfort/ no ‘problem solving’ type of situation instead of actually realizing how enjoyable it even was to expand myself within getting into academic stuff, this is also related to any habit that was for example supportive and when we stop doing it for an extended period of time, we tend to simply ‘forget’ how we would actually enjoy ourselves writing/ doing/ saying something that we then created a negative-charge to in order to create this infamous procrastination loop.
And what’s fascinating is that somehow I managed to procrastinate reading Heaven’s Journey To Life this entire week, and as I re-read this I realized that this is a timeloop obviously otherwise it would not be HERE for me to look at, walk with such blatant and obvious timing support – and self forgiveness for the clear judgmental aspect that arises as I write this out:
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing any form of reputation as being a ‘responsible being,’ without realizing that such character was also driven by fear and this is the time wherein I am in fact realizing what self-movement actually is and implies for the very first time and that judging myself for it, won’t do any ‘better’ for it – within this
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I will be judged by ‘others’ for not having been consistent within my application, without realizing that I was perfectly aware of it and the deliberateness of it linked to this single point of allowing myself to be ‘driven’ by the force and believing that ‘I had it all sorted out’ which is actually the same point of ‘ignorance is bliss’ that many people may create as positive thinking, without realizing that I was doing exactly the same thing when talking myself out of taking responsibility for a single point that is here as my responsibility to be done, and within this, believe that there is ‘no consequence to it for others, but only myself’ which is also a point of self interest and deliberately shoving aside the fact that I am actually aware of how everything that we do/ don’t do does not only create a consequence for myself, but creates a consequence at the level of the whole – and within this,
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘lose my ground’ and actually having deliberately created this stance of ‘all is well’ within me wherein apparently I was ‘not caring about it/ about getting something done,’ without actually seeing that the masquerade of ‘all is well’ was stemming from actually seeing the actual fear that created it as the realization of time as consequence being directly proportional to the amount of time I’ve shoved aside this point which is time-looping at a maniac-rate –
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually not even dare to be honest toward myself in relation to actually taking this point ‘by the horns’ because of not wanting to ‘expose’ myself to myself for the actual stupidity that it is to leave a task/ assignment/ evaluation aside believing that somehow it could not be ‘relevant’ to my reality any longer, which is quite the excuse to actually not take responsibility for myself and my creation.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to now that I am writing it out, actually experience a constriction in my chest and experience the heaviness as an energetic experience of fear in relation to seeing how long I have in fact excused myself out of this point and not given proper direction to it within the belief that I would ‘someday’ eventually do it and manage to get it all ‘perfectly done’ as I had done in the past, without considering that the past is not here as myself and that I cannot rely on ‘past patterns’ that require an actual DOING and giving direction to it within my reality, whereas before I would see them as an extension of who I am as such point of taking on a responsibility and committing myself to it.
When and as I see myself going into fear/ petrification when realizing the consequences of everything that I’ve done/ haven’t done, I stop and I breathe – I instead direct myself to not over-think about it and create yet another experience toward the pattern of procrastination but instead commit myself to do it, and this is not for the sake of keeping or sustaining an ‘idea’ of myself, but it is in fact part of what I had committed myself to be/ do/ become in my reality, wherein I am in fact then aware that it is a physical point to do within the current system that we live in and that it doesn’t matter if it’s required or not, it is a point for me to take on and ‘get it done’ no matter what, as I see and am aware that it cannot be pushed any further away in time than this.
So, I commit myself to get this done and I see and realize that breathing is the point to diffuse the experience within me which is a mix of fear and anxiety that I had managed to cover up with this seemingly ‘stable’ experience within me, while neglecting that it was not really a stable point of who I am but a make-believe stability because of knowing that I had been dragging one single point or various points around for an extended period of time without giving it direction and actually using other points in my reality to distract myself from taking responsibility for it – so another note here:
“Distraction – deliberately distracting ourselves with/as the Force of/as the Mind/a Personality, distracting us from/of ourselves, the physical to in/as that moment sabotage an opportunity for/as self-change/self-realisation within ourselves and our worlds. That we’d rather distract ourselves with and as the Mind/Personality, and attempt/try to validate/justify that distraction through and as the extent to which we can talk ourselves/convince ourselves in/as that moment from actually moving ourselves into and as a moment of change/realisation. All of which simply exemplify the nature of/as ourselves as human beings; that we’re deliberately utilizing ourselves as the Mind to not in fact really change, but conveniently only pay attention to our ‘comfort zones’ in the Mind to maintain separation and abdication of responsibility from/of ourselves and our worlds/realities.” – Sunette Spies on The Force
So this entire point that came up in the dream wherein deciding to do the ‘fun thing/ that which I like/ that which made me feel ‘cool’ instead of actually attending my schedule at the job and taking the point of Self Responsibility. So this is ‘my creations’ within the mindfuckism category, as Scott Cook has accurately coined the term – and it’s something I am definitely aware it’s not cool at all to perpetuate due to the actual extensive amount of energy it takes to keep shoving it aside, without actually ‘tapping’ on to it in the moment and just typing it out.
Okay, so this is the beginning of the end of me as the patriotic inhabitant of Procrasti-Nation – and this time it’s either I get it done or I swallow the already created consequences in the moment.
- Character Dimensions – Introduction (Writing): DAY 162
- Character Dimensions – Practical Application (Part 1): DAY 163