This is a necessary point to open up in order to give myself the opportunity to actually see beyond the immediate self interest of ‘doing things later’ and how within this we’re essentially only caring about our Own experience while neglecting the actual effect and consequence that such actions have ‘beyond our nose’ which is a way to explain how within our words, deeds and actions we have only ever considered ‘ourselves’ as individuals, placing aside any perspective wherein the consideration of the whole is in fact an equal and one realization. And this is the point missed in fact, how within our individual processes we tend to ‘lose perspective’ of an actual oneness and equality of what’s being walked, and within this somehow think that because of us not doing something/ doing something, we don’t affect the whole – but we do, oh yes we certainly do, otherwise how else would we be able to manifest the world as it currently exist?
I realized the point of self-trust within myself how within me shoving aside a point to be done, I create this ‘burden’ within me wherein one would want to believe that nothing else gets ‘affected’ by it, but it is not so, it ALL gets equally affected by this one single point as I see that the who am I within this one single point of procrastination cannot be separate from any other aspect of myself as it is not the ‘bad me’ that is not taking responsibility for it, it is the totality of myself that is taking this decision to simply not give direction to one point.
And so, within this, I thought that I could somehow brush aside, hide under the rug that which I knew all the way was here, waiting for me to give it direction. And the actual realization after finally opening this entire point up is ‘why waiting/ why having to wait till all shit hits the fan to move?’
Another dimension – of the plethora of dimensions that have stemmed from this – is how we become uncertain about our own words, our very stance within our commitment to live whenever we are Aware of one single aspect that we are not giving direction to – one or more I’d say – and as such, it is a point wherein I realize I cannot possibly continue fooling myself, yet I managed to do it for so long that it became like an ‘integral aspect’ of myself wherein I would exist in this parasitical relationship toward ‘my procrastination’ as this constant cloud in the head that I would carry around and only access to it in a conscious manner whenever I activated the Time factor during my day. However the fact that I would not apparently ‘think’ about it doesn’t mean it was not there. It was pretty much here and I see how this one single aspect started seeping through anything else and this past week was a key point for me to realize, like taking myself as far as only doing the absolutely basics and responsibilities that I have taken on toward others, however I have neglected the most basic responsibility which is toward myself, at all times – and within this there exists like a massive shift of responsibility and self-commitment wherein I see the pattern wherein I have kept my constant and consistent application of commitments and responsibilities in an ‘okay’ manner toward Others, but when it came to me, my own process, my own writings, I was only really doing the basics of it, not being absolutely here committing myself to the points that I realize require my immediate attention and dedication.
So, I see and realize that this point might as well take me quite some time to take on and I see/ realize and understand that unless I decide to stand absolute this time, nothing will change and nothing will move, which is leaving the door open for me to creep back to old patterns of procrastination or leaving things up to the last minute within the belief that ‘somehow’ I have always managed to get things done in a perfect manner at the last moment, which is Also another aspect to debunk within this all.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create procrastination and exist as procrastination based on the relationship I formed toward that which I have to do, instead of actually realizing that it’s not about ‘what’ needs to be done, but who am I within procrastinating, postponing a task/ job/ assignment/ work that I realize I have to do and ‘get moving,’ wherein within shoving it aside, brushing of this point to complete and give direction to, I allowed myself to create a massive timeloop of inaction and abdication of responsibility essentially, because in my mind every time that the point would come up to give direction to, I always gave it a ‘second go’ to ‘do it later/ rather wait for the ‘right moment,’ which is the same as waiting for the holy ghost to come and motivate me in a sense, which is obviously delusional as it is only me that can move myself and give myself proper self-direction, instead of lagging and dragging thing undone/ incomplete around me.
When and as I see myself realizing that it is time to get myself writing/ doing the task that I require to get done and immediately having the subtle fear of this being a ‘long dreary process to complete,’ I stop and I breathe. I realize that this is only a fear thought that I’ve created as the main resistance to this, which taps into fear of being judged, fear of having to do things more than once and within this existing as a bunch of fears in the mind that I can simply stop in one breath and direct myself to simply do it which implies, opening up the word processor and typing.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a mind possession around the point of procrastination allow myself to actually not be tied to this one single point in the back of my head, not giving it direction and allowing it to ‘grow’ further and further while believing that somehow I would eventually ‘get to it/ give it direction’ without realizing the obvious which is if I don’t move and if I don’t direct myself to do it, it simply won’t ever be done.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise my entire stance as my process just because of compromising my every breath to be subject to this point of dragging the past as ‘who I am’ in every moment that I see ‘time’ and realize all the things that I am dragging along with time, which is one of the main factors that I have enslaved myself to and not allowing myself to fully be here as breath, as every breath is a reminder of all the things ‘left behind’ instead of actually utilizing every breath to Move myself physically to get it done and within this, stop abusing myself as the physical that I am in fact consuming as the point of procrastination, because this actually creates a point of constant preoccupation and an experience of ‘having something to do’ all the time, which is how we create our own pre-occupations instead of immediately giving it direction as the moment that one realize there is a point to direct/ give direction to.
When and as I see myself compromising my entire process and my beingness to further procrastinate a single point of giving myself direction to do/ complete a task/ job/ paper/ work – I stop and I breathe – I give myself the opportunity to actually take the thoughts coming up, taking the pictures coming up in my mind in relation to working on this project and actually doing it, as the very thoughts are then pointing out to me that which I am separating myself from.
I realize that the more I give ‘length’ for these thoughts to go seemingly ‘unnoticed’ and are ‘brushed aside,’ the more I am in fact accumulating/ piling up this burden within me that I realize is not cool at all to live with, as this is the type of thinking and Not doing that keeps myself enslaved to one single point with no self-direction, instead of actually supporting myself to walk the thoughts into an actual doing and within this stopping the pre-occupation and directing myself to occupation on it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a point of disparity within my process wherein I am creating this point of ‘absolute responsibility’ only to a certain aspects in my reality but Not toward everything that is of myself and my immediate responsibilities, which implies the point of giving time to ‘support others’ and forgetting about my own process of actually getting into the necessary and immediate points to walk through self forgiveness – thus
When and as I see myself in any given moment going into a point of desire to support others to the t and deliberately leaving my own process aside and ‘saving it for later,’ I stop and I breathe – I realize that I have a schedule with which i can support myself to occupy my time to take care of my basic responsibilities and at the same time use the rest of the time to get my work done, as I realize that every time this would emerge I would then use the excuse and justification of ‘others’ as a point to ‘take care of’ toward others/ something else other than my own process to stop procrastination and get the actual work done.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that somehow I would manage to get things done ‘perfectly fine’ up to the last minute as I had done in the past, without realizing that i cannot possibly relay on ‘the past’ to define me and my own self direction here – thus
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that ‘everything will turn out just fine in the end’ is based on a positive attitude within this seemingly automatic ‘benefit’ I would always experience within being a ‘good student in school’ wherein no matter if I would do things up to the last minute – such as writing an assignment/ studying for an exam – I would always have a positive result within it, and within this, creating a pattern of laxity towards tasks/ assignments/ projects that require to be completed in my reality.
When and as I see myself believing that ‘everything will turn out just fine in the end’ – I stop and I breathe – I realize that this is one of the key backchat thoughts that I have used to continue procrastinating within the belief that ‘no matter what I do, it will always be fine,’ which is basing my current self application based on the past wherein I was always getting positive results even if I had procrastinated the point for a long time – which is an absolutely unacceptable belief within me, that because it worked in the past it can work now – and also I realize that even if it did work, all the time spent within this procrastination loop has already caused consequence within my physical body due to the extent of energy consumed in order to maintain such point of resistance and procrastination in place, which is like loading an app in your computer that you simply never get to use and it’s always there giving you reminders of requiring and update, and one know it requires action from our side but instead we just ‘let it be’ with no self direction, which seems ludicrous when looking at the reality of the ‘problem,’ however this is how things are ‘blown out of proportion’ in our mind when not being fully self-directive here as the physical.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take my life for granted within believing/ thinking/ perceiving that ‘I will have time the next day for it,’ and within this actually making a statement of giving up in that very moment my ability to live and instead take the next day for granted as a ‘given time’ for me to do things, instead of doing what Is required to be done in the moment.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use a plethora of excuses to justify my self interest in every moment that I tacitly imply that I do not want to do something and instead do something else that I perceive as ‘more relevant’ in my mind, which is a form of excusing doing that which ‘I like/ prefer doing’ than that which must be done, which most likely comes as a point of actual self-movement that won’t have a mind-urgency to it, but it is actually one of the points that I realize I have to implement and Will myself to do it, as I realize how the moment that we abdicate our breathing to support the mind, we stop being self-willed beings and become mind-driven robots seeking for self interest only.
I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to honor myself, my every moment of being here with doing/being/living/ becoming that which is self supportive at all times, instead of only focusing on that which has become our own demise as humanity which is following our self interest blindly with no further questioning of the consequences that following this ‘good feeling’ experience as the force we allow ourselves to be driven by eventually manifest throughout time.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not consider that within only considering ME and my point of preference/ self interest, I am simply declaring the mind’s absolute reign over the physical and within these seemingly ‘unimportant points’ such as procrastinating on a task actually neglect the effect that this has at an existential level which is something that is not exaggerated as it is in the very participation that we all have within this world that we have created our reality as it is, as an outflow of everything that we do and participate upon/ don’t participate in our day to day living.
When and as I see myself wanting to leave things for tomorrow, I stop and I breathe – I realize that in this I am taking my moment here for granted and actually believing that I will be here the next day which is obviously not here and as such it is the same as procrastinating what’s here to be done onto a non-existent moment that is ‘the future’ and that I don’t have assured as it being a certainty for me to live every single day –
I realize that every time that I procrastinate I am taking my life for granted and actually abusing the breath that I am existing as here and using it to my own self interest to satisfy the ‘who I am as the mind,’ instead of taking the opportunity and the moment to support and assist myself with activities that I can take on in order to expand myself physically, to assist and support my own ‘grounding’ as physical-responsibilities that I can in fact take on in my world and reality.
I commit myself to continue forgiving myself for all the reasons, justifications and ideas that I’ve created in my mind as a way to justify and validate my own abdication of responsibility in order to suit my own mind and not the physical reality that is here as what is required to be done, what is supportive for me to live and act upon, direct myself to do at all times.
to be continued…
Interview by Bernard Poolman:
Interviews at Eqafe: