Within walking this process of identifying all dimensions, I realized that the backchat has more to do with a series of judgments that I have held toward specifics in relation to myself and art and at the moment, I’ve walked that on a previous blog, however when it comes to the reactions, I see that the most prominent points where simply fear, anxiety and then a laxity wherein I would make it all alright and simply keep going without going into it.
I’ve had a song in the back of my head, Ricochet by Faith no more and the chorus says:
“It’s always funny until someone gets hurt…
And then it’s just hilarious!”
Now the most prominent reaction I am facing currently is to my own stupidity-loops that I’ve walked, and as I write this I can experience some type of energetic drill on my arms because of how I did this to myself and my reaction toward this has been that of anger that I’ve channeled through other means – like points of getting angry at people for not cleaning the kitchen a month ago, getting irritated about other people’s expression as if everything ‘was fine’ and me simply reacting to it because of this drag that I’ve been keeping around myself all this time. And it’s interesting because I got the point explained to me and still, I didn’t quite ‘get it’ in terms of being angry at ourselves for not changing. Now it’s quite clear and makes absolute sense, I was simply using others to ventilate my own accumulated inner-anger/ frustration for not moving on/ directing myself –this is how we try to ‘project blame to others’ instead of taking responsibility for our own deeds, thoughts and words. Listen to Anu’s recent interviews for more detailed explanation on this point, which will strip any sense of righteousness upon decision making based on the mind’s indulgence: Reptilians – Facing Choice (Part 2) – Part 108
Hence the reactions are more of an accumulated state of absurdity when realizing what I’ve done or not done to be precise. Being this something that had become this ‘something going on’ within me that can be easily side-swept within self interest – and not even easily really, that’s also what I’ve made myself believe: it can be easily ignored in the moment, however it becomes like a constant gnawing thought – now the ‘gnawing thought’ makes sense when studying the Quantum Mind Series and getting a clue of the level of abuse that we are inflicting upon ourselves whenever we Think about things but not Do anything with it – Why? This is the question: if I realize that I am not supporting myself in keeping this ‘thing’ on top of me like a cross I’ve accepted and allowed myself to bear absolutely unnecessarily so, then why the hell have I simply not given it self direction? Because: in the mind, everything is fine – yes just like ‘In Heaven, Everything is Fine’ and this is the point wherein I realize that I have chosen the mind to direct me and become me and my every day decision-maker instead of myself not accepting and allowing to give into the ‘same old carelessness’ toward things that I ‘know’ must be done and simply, doing it = ‘play the violin.’
A memory that comes up within this is how I would for example procrastinate simple things throughout my day as a child, like taking off my school uniform when getting home from school, getting to a point of having to be ‘threatened’ by my mother with a tickle-attack if I didn’t take it off in 30 seconds, then I would MOVE the hell off the couch, stop watching MTV and run to take it off and put some other clothes – however when this wasn’t the case, I could remain the entire day with the uniform on, LOL – this is just ‘hilarious’ yes but the point is not the uniform or how I was conditioned to move with something I feared, which is something that’s very clear to me now – but how these seemingly innocent patterns evolved later on with other points of procrastination up to one that I created for myself and walking at the moment. It’s a ‘carelessness’ toward myself and a laxity that can accumulate in seemingly ‘unnoticeable’ points that I am perfectly aware exist within me and that I participate in on a daily basis. Within the previous example, taking off the uniform would literally take me 20 seconds, 20 goddamn seconds… however I would simply move everywhere else, do all my homework and studies to the T, be a ‘responsible girl’ in all ‘school matters’ but could not make the single decision to take off the uniform – that’s the same experience that I’m having as a reaction to this procrastination point, which is pretty cool that emerged as I have this ‘thought,’ that single pixel frame of the TV-room I used to spend my days in, wearing my uniform for probably some 12 hours on a row or more lol, doing all my homework and my ‘responsibilities’ however not moving in one simple aspect that was related to me – which opens up the point: have I always done things for others then? And when have I really done things for me? I am sure this process is and has been as self-decision, which is how I have kept myself ‘constant’ within it – however the moment I separated this school-career project and making it ‘for others’ I turned my own tables and decided to judge it and procrastinate it.
The uniform was definitely constricting! it was uncomfortable, yet I kept wearing it –that pretty much sums up my reaction toward this point: it is constricting, it was utterly uncomfortable having this jack in the box constant nagging thought, however I did not move. And so, it is hilarious.
I said, “it’s okay to laugh about it”
As I’ve been working on the actual writing and moving myself within this whole procrastination deal, I realize how I had actually enjoyed having begun writing the first version of it, which was far more extensive than the one I am writing at the moment and that is less ‘constricting’ in terms of the ‘rigidness’ of what a proper ‘academic written work’ should be like. I realized how within simply writing and actually just ‘doing it’ to what extent I simply made a huge fucking deal out of it, while it only took me opening the damn file and reviewing, continuing writing and being certain of what I am writing as my own process, with full awareness of how it is that it is much more simple to just physically do it, than anything else I could have made up in my mind of it being seemingly ‘too much’ – all excuses as backchat that I would react to in this heaviness at a physical level after going through slight pungent shots of anxiety and fear for ‘the future,’ giving into the mind experience instead of taking it ‘by the horns’ and not allowing me to continue procrastinating. But I did.
And so, as I’ve learned from some blogs I’ve read from Lindsay Craver, I realize how sometimes the songs we have in our heads are indicating ‘something’ that we are simply not fully seeing ‘here.’ and I’ll give a proper journey to life review on her blog in a vlog. So keep an eye on it.
And the chorus pretty much describes how I would go through my day by day, as if everything was ‘just fine’ and then realizing, oh fuck, I did squander my time – it’s done and gone. And now ‘the joke is on me’ and how well, I realize I can’t get more pissed off or angry at myself as that would be another stupidity loop – nor channeling through getting angry ‘at others’ because I can’t fool myself that easily any longer –
So, it is ‘hilarious’ to realize this yes, I mean, what’s left to do but acknowledge what I’ve done, how I created it, and how I am simply giving it direction without further reactions.
So the reactions at the moment are more related to having procrastinated this task all this time – it is a point of self-judgment and yes I remember very well: ‘Do not judge yourself if you fall’ – However, if it is here and it’s just ‘hilarious’ that I did it, well I have to walk down the procrastination road and eat lots of humble pie (thanks to Cerise that explained that idiom to me) and accepting my mistakes, that is the gift that I can give to myself wherein there is no positive or negative mindfuck to cover it up or try to find a ‘good way’ to justify why I procrastinated, or believing that ‘there was seemingly an external/ unknown/ mysterious reason’ for this to happen, that there was ‘something behind this all’ that I simply am apparently unaware of and that’s the reason why I had to stay longer here and essentially extending my expiry date for a year – expiry date I mean with my due time to simply get things done and sticking around here.
So it’s always ‘funny’ and just ‘nice’ to keep ourselves deciding for the fluffy positive thinking and positive experience that one creates in order to not take on the tasks that must be done – until the shit hits the fan and I’m brought back to Earth – why do I require these wake up calls then having to go through fear, anxiety, keeping it inside, rotting until it’s just a point where the pungent smell is telling me Hey you know, you could have just DONE it and get over with it, how difficult is that?
And this is where I look down and forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to realize believe that I could ‘get away from this’ easily and that there would be a miraculous way to step-out of it, and not having to eventually do it/ work on this.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perpetuate a point of self abuse as a physical burden and a constant reaction of shame toward my own dishonesty to move/ do things/ get my responsibilities ‘moving’ wherein instead of actually taking the necessary physical direction, I gave into the experience of ‘feeling bad’ about it and then using all means and justifications like having ‘other responsibilities that are more important’ as an excuse, wherein then ‘blame’ comes as a suitable gadget for me to not see that I am the only one that is and has been responsible for this, and that in the end, I will also have to walk through the consequences no matter what – and this is where yes, there is nothing left to do but eat my own words and say ‘I did this to myself.’
Within this – I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever judge ourselves as humanity for ‘waiting for a savior/ god’ to come and fix things for ourselves and then in the end, simply having to do it ourselves once that the shit is still ‘there’ and there’s no one to take care of it – thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in shame and embarrassment toward my own dishonesty which is simply another form of ego to victimize myself about what I didn’t do – why I did not give it direction and remain within a comfort zone of just ‘feeling bad about it’ which is not really necessary and even self interest to create yet another experience upon not doing something, instead of simply breathing, letting it go, giving myself proper practical direction to do it and that’s it. Within this realize how it is actually quite easy to simply ‘do it’ and not give into all the thoughts and judgments and backchat about it, or adding an extra layer of judgment when ‘looking back on time’ and realizing the stupidity I have created for myself, by myself
I realize that I will walk the consequences and that yes, the ricochet eventually hits us back again – and that ‘there’s no reason, no explanation, so play the violin’ – this is exactly what I’ve experienced and that’s just part of the lyrics. I have no excuse, I don’t have to explain myself further to make it alright, so I play the violin which means I get this done.
More explicit self forgiveness in the next one…
Great Supportive Interviews to make decisions in our lives and be aware of our every single physical step and the consequences we create for ourselves:
My mirror =
An example of perfectionism possession over bullying: