I’ll be writing self forgiveness on the specific points that lead to procrastination which have to do with the motivation aspects to ‘move’ and ‘do things’ in our reality, wherein if it’s not based on earning a reward/ there being something for us as a ‘positive experience,’ we simply don’t direct ourselves / don’t do what is required to be done.
And this is how it all started:
I had a dream wherein I had applied for a job at a record store, and I was given a certain schedule that I of course had to cover. However I was rather entertained in my reality with something else, I remember I was interacting or moving around with people and as such when the time came for me to go cover my job schedule, I simply decided not to go and the reason in this case was because ‘I didn’t require the money,’ thus I experienced this absolute laxity toward the point of responsibility simply because I was not being guided by survival to do it, which is something that I can see is related to the motivation/ motive-factor as that energetic point that acts like a crutch for me to move.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having procrastinated things because there is no positive reward/ money in it as a point of incentive that I have accepted and allowed myself to learn is the only reason why I should ‘move’ and do things within my reality – furthermore, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within this very same thinking pattern, believe that because I won’t be making money out of my career, then ‘what is the point of being a ‘licensed pro’ at it?’ without realizing that in both cases, my procrastination and deliberate neglect toward this final examination point is showing how I have been used to only moving myself if there is some positive reward/ money and/or future benefit from it, without realizing that this is actually a system requirement and as such it is part of finishing what I begun and getting the actual paper that will certify all the years that I did spend in school, which is a point within the system that is definitely required to be walked and to obtain.
When and as I see myself thinking and believing that I require some positive incentive in order to commit myself to my tasks, I stop and I breathe – I realize that I am able to move and direct myself within the consideration of such task/ activity being in the best interest of all, which includes that which I believe would only ‘benefit me’ such as a career, without realizing that this is a point required by the system in order to validate the years spent in school – thus it is not a matter of preference, but a requisite in order to validate myself within the system.
I commit myself to be my own motivation regarding all points that I decide to participate in as an opportunity for me to expand myself in my world and reality and within this, also walking any resistance toward anything bureaucratic in nature, such as final papers/ examinations and protocols at an academic level, which is how I commit myself to simply breathe through it, get to do the necessary contacts and arrangements and get it done.
The stagnation and deliberate shoving away of responsibilities is part of this point. I’ve lost the ‘fear’ to not do things and within this, I have self sabotaged myself extensively, simply because all the ‘discipline’ that I had lived was in fact only based on fear and keeping up a reputation that in my mind, I could not ‘afford’ to spoil for one second.
When the characters were identified, in my mind I created this point of laxity toward responsibilities, like literally only doing it at the last moment and essentially justifying it – foolishly enough – with me no longer acting out of fear to get things done, but ‘testing my waters’ in relation to my own ‘self-movement’ once that such fear is apparently non existent. And I say ‘apparently’ because it is quite obvious how I actually only turned the tables and went to the opposite of being the ‘on time responsible one’ to be a deliberate procrastinator one. This was all done consciously/ me being aware of it, and the only point that I can see has factored into it is this ‘force’ wherein I have opted to simply give myself away to it and continue placing things aside, postponing it all simply because I don’t perceive such points getting done within a matter of life or death. This reveals to what extent we have only moved when there is either a positive or negative reward and in my case, in the dream, the ‘record store job’ I had always kept in the past as this ‘dream like job’ – even if I am now aware it is not ‘dream-like’ at all – as something that I would do out of pleasure and that was going to apparently only be like an extended hobby. So, in the dream when it came to actually cover my hours, I decided to simply not go and take it as lightly as possible, simply because there was no point ‘behind’ it that was pushing me to do it, to move.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see money/ fame/ good life as a motivation to move in my reality and the moment that such motivation is no longer ‘here,’ I stopped caring about my career and getting to the last tip of it even knowing that I had to do it anyways – thus
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only move when and as there is money involved in what I commit myself to do/ act and direct in terms of responsibilities/ studies within the system.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be a prey of my own dishonest starting point for studying a career as within the impetus of going for it for a personal benefit, once that personal benefit is no longer a point sought within me within this career, I stopped caring about it all and in this, going into a cycle of just walking through it without any actual direction to use the point and opportunity to expand myself in my world, as after all, it was my decision made at all times to study what I studied – thus, I take responsibility for my words, my decisions, my life and stopped believing that ‘I must do this for the system’ but do it for myself, as the starting point of all that I do.
When and as I see myself requiring a reason outside of myself to do things, I stop and I breathe – I realize that this has been a point of self-sabotage most of the times as within having a reason to do things outside of myself implies that I am not being the directive principle of the task, but doing it ‘for something/ for someone.’ Thus
I commit myself to be the starting point of everything that I do in the consideration of the requirements that I have to participate in/ complete as part of this world system, as well as the consideration of me doing this as a practical action and direction to see how it is possible to direct oneself without being motivated by external factors of either a positive (money/ recognition) charge or negative charge (fear of not having a license in the system/ fear of wasting my studies) as I see and realize that at all times, all tasks to be done imply a point of self-movement: what is best for all as best for myself within the consideration of my own commitment to do and participate in that which I have agreed to work and participate in as part of my responsibility.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use reasoning as excuses and justifications which is knowledge and information in order to not do things based on my ‘wants/ needs/ desires’ wherein the moment there is no ‘positive incentive’ to move, I simply don’t move and relegate the point aside as if it was actually not important to work with, not realizing that it is not about what I can ‘get’ from it as an experience, but simply realizing: what Must Be Done no matter what – and in this, I stop seeking for a ‘reason’ to do it, and instead become my own self-willed direction to do it, without having anyone or anything in the background of my head as a reason to ‘push through’ as this would be separation and only lead to further cycles of ‘reasoning’ why I would rather just continue Not doing it and leave he point without any direction.
When and as I see myself reasoning why I should not do a task – I stop and I breathe – I bring the point here as what it physically entails, the consequences that doing it and not doing it in reality are and stick to this practical outflow of my decisions, instead of weighing my decisions based on the values that I’ve given to such task as a point of preference and the level of ‘uselessness’ that I’ve guarded toward acquiring a professional title within being an artist.
I commit myself to stop sabotaging myself based on knowledge and information toward the tasks to be done, and I actually realize that it is only a moment of standing up and taking responsibility for what I had agreed upon studying and finishing it till it is done. Those were my words when I begun, and those are the actions I have to live.
I realize that the most prominent point within this procrastination point was also the extensive judgment toward my own choices for a career and within this, seeing such final title/ paper/ license as equally useless, which then became this whole ‘uselessness’ experience toward it, wherein I deliberately placed it aside, just the same way that in the dream I thought of the job as ‘not necessary’ and simply deciding to ‘not go to my job and remain with what I have.’
I commit myself to to stop assessing what I do based on the ‘investment value’ that I have given to all things in my life, wherein even if it is a point of responsibility if I am not considering it at face value/ according to my personal interests as something ‘important’ then I simply not do it, without realizing that If I applied the same reasoning to all things in my reality, and all beings acted the same way, it would only create a replica of the world we have today, wherein each one is only seeking after our personal interests while neglecting everything else as ‘non of my business/ not my ‘responsibility’’ – within this
I commit myself to understand that Self Responsibility is Not selective and that I cannot ‘choose’ what I apply myself with and what not – it is about a principle of committing myself to certain responsibilities and walking through them till it is done.
So, the key words here are Self Movement and Self Will – again, which have become the pillars of the realizations in the past wherein I would get ‘stuck’ within something even within writing and not writing everyday in the past, and how I had to deliberately get myself out of the loop not by an external motivation but, as a realization that I had to continue writing as a proof to myself that nothing and no one can motivate me to support myself, but myself and that way I can stand as my own authority.
I realize that in the Equal Money System, we won’t require to go through points like getting ‘credentials’ for money either or survival – thus this is a point to train myself to move without an incentive and realizing this point as part of the responsibilities acquired within the ability to have a career/ having studied.
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