The beginning of the Evil Series
For some time we’ve been reading about Evil and how it is a primary point to start dissecting within ourselves in order to – obviously – get to know ourselves as the totality and actuality of what we’ve become, which has been mostly covered-up by make-up ideas of goodness, benevolence, positivity and ‘goodheartedness’ that is like a constant self-talk of ‘I’m good, let’s do good, let’s become better human beings, let’s be more this/that’ while in fact, neglecting the so called ‘darkness’ of ourselves that is required to be scrutinized within ourselves in order to finally stand on our own two feet without any veils to not see the evil that we are and have become.
Within this, it is to realize that this is not only about morals of ‘good and bad’ but seeing the inherent nature of ‘who we are’ as evil that is mostly covered up with ideas, beliefs and yes, concepts created around ‘good/ benevolence’ and everything that touches upon the light-love-airy-fairy view of reality, which is simply a make-believe system just like anything else. However, who and what we are as individuals, as the mind, as our beingness is in fact Not good, otherwise the world would be corrected/ solved/ changed a long time ago.
Now, you might go into the idea of this being pessimistic and whatnot, but it is in fact within such characters that we hide ourselves from the reality that we’ve become by trying to become a better person, and it is Not about becoming a better person as that would imply that I am trying to ‘make up for’ the past, the who I have become out of guilt, remorse and further cover-ups to the reality, the ‘truth’ of ourselves that we keep always there in the secret mind.
I wanted to begin writing about this topic for some days here in my Journey To Life blogs, however I decided to give proper finish to my procrastination character and begin this one, which will most likely be going in depth to what I accepted and allowed myself to become within, first of all, all the cover-ups to not have to face the inherent evil within me. It’s interesting how even writing it out this idea of me being pessimistic or dramatic or ‘satanizer’ comes up, however it is just any other word that depicts that side of ourselves that we have tried so hard to ‘overcome’ and ‘make better’ and ‘spice up’ with all types of experiences in our reality that in no way have ever in fact changed our real nature, otherwise, again, we would have come to a sensate consensus of what is best for all to live and apply in our reality. Now here ‘con’ comes from consentire = ‘agree’ – con also means with and sensus = senses with a direct sense based on what is physical in this reality, which is not something that can be labeled as good or bad in itself, but our actions and ways of approaching reality have in fact become polarized to create and generate this inherent conflict that is ‘constantly there’ as who we are and have become, which is what I will be explaining here.
and this is a note I made for myself:
The point that has come up while watching Maya’s video is how I have experienced this evil even in the most supportive environments where everything is seemingly ‘fine’ and still, there is this nagging, uncomfortable experience within me, not being able to just ‘pin point’ it, it’s always just there and then thoughts would emerge such as ‘is there something wrong with me?’ ‘why can’t I be normal and just enjoy this?’ without realizing that, such experience was/ has been probably the ‘evil aspect’ of myself that I haven’t allowed myself to really look into, because of always believing that this ‘thing’ would somehow recede through time. Hell no, it is this experience wherein we are not completely comfortable within ourselves no matter what a ‘pretty picture’ of environment we are in. It becomes almost like this battle of trying to ‘keep up the ‘good and positive’ based on knowledge and information of the environment being supportive, of the people being supportive– We try and fully embrace the moment but, there’s this ‘something’ all the time and it just seems not possible to simply be here, fully stable or even enjoying the moment, it just doesn’t ‘go away,’ it is this constant experience of there something being ‘wrong’ within ourselves – and this constant nagging experience is what I can spot as my own deliberate negligence to face the ‘truth’ of myself, as evil.
And I questioned myself many times why it was like me wanting to simply ‘let go’ of such nagging experience, without realizing that it won’t just be ‘gone’ by me kind of only ‘thinking’ about it and coming to realizations like ‘oh yes, it’s the evil in me’ and turn around and keep going with my ‘life.’ Of course it cannot work like that, that’s precisely how we have lived as humanity, just wanting to brush-off, neglect and hide the actuality of our inner experience. What comes to mind is this video that I would watch several times while growing up, and it depicts this standard humanization of the ‘happy go lucky lives’ while hiding the real evil behind at all times (Blackhole sun – Soundgarden – quirky point is that this is post 194 and ‘94’ resonates within me as the year that I became aware of the ‘world’ through TV and becoming used to watching gruesome/ explicit acts on TV and essentially facing this ‘evil’ nature – same year I became used to being fascinated by everything that would challenge what was accepted as good/ benevolent and developing my personality around that, however only at a surface value)
To understand happiness as the ultimate brainwash for control of the masses and proliferation of capitalism, watch The Trap – this is how happiness, love and light has been the control-system of humanity not only within our ‘capitalist era’ but throughout our entire existence as humanity – and that you can understand by studying Heaven’s Journey To Life blogs and Reptilian interviews at Eqafe.
The images were disturbing just like anything I watched that year when I was 7 years and seeing a ‘broader picture’ of reality through TV – lol, interesting, getting to know humanity through the TV. And even within this realizing that everything that we get to see/hear/ read cannot be just labeled as ‘brainwashing’ without understanding first how even such deliberate demonstration of ‘the human nature’ is in fact existent because We in fact have become That and it is thus used for further entertainment purposes, wow. So this video contains various aspects that I got ‘hooked on’ throughout my life which was this ‘end of days’ type of depiction while presenting humans as ‘mindless robots’ within a prefab type of ‘lifestyle’ – this also brings me to the realization of how I created this separation between the façade of ‘who I am’ and how I would actually experience myself throughout my entire life.
This is, for example, not being able to understand why I would only paint seemingly ‘bad/ negative/ pessimistic’ stuff and in the outside I was seen as this normal, happy, young person. I could not ‘compute’ myself within this. And so, that’s why it always seemed so ‘fake’ whenever I was expected to act/ be a certain way and present an image for the sake of society, parents, school, etc. I became quite aware of becoming this two side-side person which was also depicted in some of my early art and even beyond throughout the years, the same would still ‘come up.’ That’s how I went through my rebellious teenage years of being like this pessimist existentialist that lead me Nowhere of course, other than consuming myself in reading books of which I can gather absolutely Nothing that can be lived in Self-Honesty. Well, probably a few words from Douglas Coupland, however he went too spiritual and seeking god somehow. And yes, that’s why I also sought god at some point, and went into spirituality because the sole idea of me being ‘stuck’ in this emptiness – which I had gone through in my teenage years/ late childhood even – was simply unbearable and so, I sought to get myself ‘out in the world’ by deliberately portraying myself as someone more optimistic and friendly, even the scheme of my clothes changed from only black t-shirts to various bright colors, lol, Oh boy, I tried hard, I really did, but didn’t matter how bright my appearance looked, the same ‘nagging experience’ where it all seemed too fake to fool myself simply kept popping up, rearing all the time behind my back when I tried to simply ‘have a good time’ and become to what I thought was ‘being a normal person,’ which involved being friendly and nice and going out, meeting people – Oh well, that can be another personality in itself of course, but it was all based within me wanting to just ‘get rid of’ this me-isness, like ‘get off of me!’ …
It never did, not even when I thought my life was perfect with having gotten everything that I supposedly wanted and desired in terms of the specific people I had desired to be with, the specific things, the specific likes, dislikes, so called talents and everything was just ‘there’ like here! be happy! and I just couldn’t, and that’s what I’ve explained many times before throughout this entire process of writing myself out, however I had never tapped it into what it is: this beingness that is actually me, that I only probably painted pictures on, projected onto others instead of seeing Me, getting to know who I have become as this ‘inexplicable’ experience, which is not pessimistic, I simply found it hard to fool myself to be enjoying life at all. And that is because I simply tried to cover up the experience with many things, doing various activities, tried relationships, people and a looong etc. – and it would never go away.
A memory pops up, one of my ‘best friends’ at the time would explain to me about this constant presence he could not bear – yes he tried multiple times to ‘commit suicide’ and overdose on whatever he could buy over the counter, though the point is how to me this was ‘too puzzling’ to understand, as if his experience was something absolutely ‘alien’ to me, not realizing that I had always experienced the same but actually, was too fearful to get to know it – and this is the KEY here, ‘I was too fearful to get to see that same ‘nature’ within me’ and that’s how I deliberately would take the position of the ‘good doer friend’ that tried to get everyone back on track to the ‘good side,’ without seeing myself As them and realizing that I was precisely being there with them because the exact same thing was existing within me. Fascinatingly enough, I would veer toward people that were comfortable with this aspect of themselves, however I always saw myself as this ‘little lamb of god’ next to them, lol, which is plainly delusional and existent as, yes, the ‘good person’ character.
Part of the writings I came up with while reviewing ‘the evil’ some days ago, was how friends would reflect me/ who I am, just as any other relationship I formed and this is something I denied at all times, to me I was the ‘good nurse’ and that was it, nothing to do with them being my mirror ‘noooo waaay, I am a gooood peeeerson’ – right. Even the image of being ‘the nurse’ may already indicate the type of role I played and that I can still see till this day comes up at times with trying to ‘support others’ and ‘save them’ instead of focusing on myself and sharing my own process of how I have ‘saved myself from myself,’ which also explains my particular affinity to types of music, which in this case is diverting the attention to the ‘outside’ and kind of ‘identifying’ with others and what they were saying and becoming in their ‘beingness,’ instead of developing an intimate relationship with me, beginning with yes, looking at the ‘dark side of the moon’ that I always kind of brushed aside believing that ‘I was not that, noooo, I am a good person,’ and! Because I didn’t have the guts to admit that existed within me as well, which is how we become fascinated with something as an energetic relationship of Further separation, instead of standing one and equal to that which we find disturbingly fascinating.
The truth may be seemingly harsh, but it’s bee rather fascinating finally realizing how silly it was to try and keep covering up, because of fearing ending up as ‘dreary’ as I perceived others to be.
There’s much to come, this is just the beginning.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to for so long try and hide or brush off looking at the ‘evil’ within me, even if I heard it a thousand times for the past years at Desteni, and instead simply looked on the surface of it without really being willing to ‘dig into the dark corridors and hidden corners’ that I had been suggested to do, but remained on the ‘surface’ of portraying myself as only a ‘good person’ with bits of flaws here and there, which is what caused this ‘dissonance’ within me, not being able to stand here facing myself absolutely because of still hiding things From Myself even, thus,
When and as I see myself wanting to remain hiding the reality and truth of myself as the inherent evil that I’ve become, I stop and I breathe – I realize that this resistance to look within myself were based on having judgments toward ‘evil’ implanted as a child wherein I was taught to only seek to be a good girl/ good person and as such, stick to ‘all things positive’ no matter what, which leads to our actual ‘cannot compute’ status where we don’t know how to Deal with the evil coming up within ourselves, and so, evolve our minds through positive personalities to try and cover it all up even more, without being willing to instead, look at who we are as the evil just the same way that we look at ourselves as ‘the good’ and remove both conditions, to instead walk a process of deliberately doing/ establishing ourselves as what is best for all life.
I realize that this ‘best for all’ is nor positive nor negative as that can only exist within energy relationships toward ourselves and others – best for all is the way that we can describe the physical way of establishing an agreement between all parts here coexisting that can lead to an outcome that is best for all. Thus, the good and evil is walked through a process of removing the conditions imposed toward ourselves as our mind and beingness in order to integrate a consideration toward everything and everyone as one and equal as ourselves.
I commit myself to give myself direction within the walking of this ‘fear of evil/ good person’ character as the necessary process to dissect all aspects that I had denied, suppressed, neglected of myself in order to keep only the bright side showing – thus, this is no longer a point of morality as only good or bad, but understanding self as the actual inherent nature we’ve become and walk the necessary process to correct ourselves with the tools of writing, self-forgiveness, self corrective application and living that which we write ourselves as, within the principle of each one of us becoming the necessary change/ correction that is required in this world.
Now, vital material to get yourself started on ‘How to Face the Evil in You’ –
Day 194: After Death Communications – Part 43 : Preparing to Face the Demonic (Part 2)