“I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realise and understand the commonsense, practical, physical question regarding: the things coming up in the Mind, “seemingly coming from nowhere”, that I never questioned “where the things that come up in my Mind, seemingly from nowhere go when/as I resist/deny/suppress/ignore it?” – Sunette Spies*
So far I’ve walked the point of believing that I had the ‘right’ to assess reality outside of myself and Think/ Believe and/ Perceive that ‘I had nothing to do with that’ and that whatever would come up in my mind was strictly pointing out what existed in others wherein any form of reaction that ensued from this, was taken as ‘ my right’ to react to whatever I thought/ assessed about another.
See the point? I created my own judgments/ perspectives upon something/ someone in one moment, within my mind only, and according to my own assessment based on judgments, ideas, beliefs, perceptions, preferences at the level of backchat, I defined who I would be in such a moment toward the person and event. Now, where is the physical reality participation in this? Nowhere, I would mostly do this is one single moment of observing, ‘assessing people’ and according to this ‘evaluation’ determine already who I would be toward the person/ environment based on how much I could benefit from the relationship/ situation – mostly obviously, focusing on the economic status of the person and future relationships, which is mostly how I am realizing I was programmed to always be aware of and ensure that I would create relationships based on money, in which I accepted and allowed myself to become a silent elitist in my mind.
Why is this relevant to my process? I have shoved aside many times my own elitism implanted at an early age wherein I was taught to be aware of the amount of money people had within my ‘friends at school’ and within this, always being asked questions by my mother about the social status of my friends, their parents their jobs and this eventually making me angry because at my eyes, I knew that the point was me only seeking to be with people in the same ‘social status’ which eventually lead me to rebel against that at a later stage which is another story much later in my teenage years – however, as a child because of being under the ‘control’ of my parents, I would frequent and get along with kids that were part of an upper class that I was quite oblivious to before the age of 6, thus generating this inherent desire to one day have their life, their money and as such, believing that keeping these relationships would lead me to a similar economic outcome as them/ their families which is an upper middle class close to rich people.
Now, the most prominent point would always be remaining quiet in these situations and events. about the reactions as a defense mechanism, while keeping a ‘welcoming face/ gesture’ on my face when being in an environment that I was busy quickly assessing and deciding who I would be in such situations – the event here is not yet relevant, what is relevant is walking that condition of, after having gone through the righteousness of believing that ‘I am right/ I have the right to assess others’ then simply remain quiet and allow my own thoughts to determine who I am toward others/ in a particular moment/ even in my reality based on the benefit I could get ‘in the future’ from being liked/ accepted by a particular type of people. Why is this? Protection mechanism based on the fear of not being liked/ accepted/ welcomed, fear of rejection and as such, limiting my ability to benefit from such relationships.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be thinking and valuing others and a moment in reality according to the amount of benefit I would get from such relationships, wherein I essentially allowed my self interest of experiencing a life of joy, comfort and luxury instead of common sense of an actual empathy toward the beings I was being acquainted with. Within this, assessing my own participation in reality according to the amount of positive experiences I would get from it, which implied me having to ‘keep quiet’ all the judgments and assessments made toward others in order to remain accepted and liked by people that I thought and realized I could ‘benefit from’ within creating a friendship/ acquaintance that would lead me to a similar living-outcome based on the material possessions/ money they represented, which became a desire within me as well.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to determine reality according to my own subjective values of ‘what is in it for me?’ wherein the participation within any event/ activity/ relationships, was always made from the starting point of building a reputation of being a ‘good valuable person’ which would ensure that I created the necessary façade to not have any problems in my reality/ get the most benefits in reality, as I Knew that as long as one present an actively warming attitude and gentleness, people immediately create a point of trust and comfort which is assuring an imprint within another person’s mind of oneself being a ‘good person’ in order to then be able to get something out of the person in exchange to such amicable link in a future moment/ situation wherein such relationship would come in ‘handy’ for my own benefit.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to use people, events and situations to my own benefit to build my own ‘persona’ as the reputation that I was aiming at in order to be liked/ accepted/ praised/ recognized by many people and within this appraisal obtained through me creating a positive input within their lives, assure my own ‘triumph’ within everything that I would commit myself to be and become in my reality, as I understood the importance of social relationships in order to escalate in the social-stratus, wherein me having ‘high hopes / aims’ within this world, I knew that I would have to present ‘the good side’ of myself, which was specifically prefabricated in order to create social relationships so that I could benefit from it, accumulating ‘positive relationships’ stemming from the actual fear of being relegated, ostracized, disowned, discriminated and essentially treating me as ‘less than’ everything that I wanted to be and become, which is linked to obviously ending up with no money/ no comfort/ no ‘happiness’ in my world – within this using relationships in my reality in order to only benefit myself, never considering how such relationships could be transformed to a point that could benefit all, because such principle was not even considered within myself in the past.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to become a cunning observer of reality and acting according to the expected ways within the social-terms of how I would ensure that I always would have people on my side/ people that would like me and accept me within the realization that within this world system, the more you create relationships based on an empathy at a character-level of being a ‘good person,’ one ensures a point of support, which is how I would abide to these rules in order to ensure that I would do things for others expecting something in return ‘in the future,’ and within this, seeing my participation within relationships with others as a plain act of hypocrisy in order to generate a good reputation for myself for and if I ever required to get something from a person or a situation, ensuring that I would most likely ‘get what I wanted’ based on me having first created a positive-link toward people, ensuring that they would ‘remember’ who I am and as such, support me/ help me out with any point that I would require from them in order to succeed/ achieve my goals or be gotten ‘out of trouble’ which reveals how every decision I made with regards to relationships in my reality were measured according to the amount of benefit I could obtain from them for either any potential ‘upgrading’ in my lifestyle or ‘getting me out of trouble.’
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to asses people and define ‘who they are’ according to the amount of money/ education they have and accordingly having decided to either evolve/ develop the relationship Or not participate at all, wherein the not participation would imply already that I would not get ‘anything’ out of such relationships that would support my aim of being and becoming someone ‘better’ in terms of escalating a social-stratus, ‘hanging out’ with more educated people which reveal to what extent I allowed myself to support the polarization of this world within the very ‘weighing process’ of my relationships since I was a young girl.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to become used to seeing money as a relevant factor that would determine who I could hang out with/ who I would rather refrain from relating with, base on this inherent belief that I had to stick to people that I could benefit from at an economical and social-relationship level, which became the elitist mind within me that was an aspect of being the ‘good person’ as a building block of a reputation that I was busy scheming throughout my life in order to be and become someone of ‘power’ in my reality, aided from all of these relationships that I thought I could benefit from.
When and as I see myself assessing a relationship with a particular person based on the amount of money and benefit that I can obtain from such relationship, I stop and I breathe – I realize that this has significantly being walked as part of my process, however the point of creating relationships based on the benefit I can get from others at a later stage is still here wherein the only acceptable way of creating relationships in our social-reality at this stage, is to ensure that the outcome of such benefit can be directed and linked specifically to a best for all outcome, this is the Only acceptable way to continue creating relationships/ acquaintances within our reality
I commit myself to walk a process of self forgiveness and self corrective statements and application to ensure that there is not a single bit of self interest implied within the relationships that I create as getting something out of it for my own personal benefit – I instead ensure that I become aware of the relationships that I create, verifying that each one of them stands in alignment with the principle that I am living my life as, which is that of creating, establishing and being the very building block of a world in Equality, wherein all relationships will stop being only based on personal gratification, self interest, greed and the ‘upgrade’ of social-stratus based on wealth, and instead develop the very basic considerations of equal and one support to one another wherein Money is not a decisive factor within it, but more of a necessary mean at this stage in this world to develop and create a world system that will be based on Life in Equality.
I commit myself to stop participating in the same relationship dynamics that have lead to the polarization of reality wherein we have only sought to benefit ourselves/ escalate positions while ignoring the absolute hideous reality that the majority is existing in because of only a few being busy building further ladders to escalate in the social stratus while neglecting the fact that we are equal and one to that which we neglect, deny and suppress which is the poverty and the lack in this world based on an economic system that has not supported all beings equally – within this
I commit myself to walk this process of relationships in order to direct relationships to stop being the building blocks of this elitist society that is having money as a god, and as such align the understanding of how it is that only within the realization of the Real Value within Life which is LIFE can relationship and ourselves as individuals actually thrive in reality, as the moment that only self interest is continued to be sought in this reality for our own benefit only, the more we continue the separation, greed and absolute neglect toward the rest of the world that is Here as ourselves and requires to be always taken into consideration with ever y single relationship that we form from here on, as equals, dedicating ourselves to stop egotistical desires of ‘fame and fortune’ and instead, stand up to create and manifest a living condition that is dignified for all beings on Earth, as this is in fact what I would want others to give to each other in an equal manner as the actual well being we are perfectly capable of installing in this life.
There is a particular memory coming up which I will write about in my next blog. And this will be a series of exploring this which I had certainly not written about in my process before, which are these seemingly ‘unimportant’ experiences in my early childhood with particular groups of people and ‘friends’ that I was close to due to my parents’ relationships, which had a ‘better economic position’ than us and how many times I would swallow my experience toward them, my own anger, judgments and general irritation and envy within such friendships just because of not wanting to miss out the opportunity to go to the places where they lived and play with their games, and hang out in their homes which I perceived were better than my own and obviously, it was all based on the money that they had.
+ Exposing The Secret Mind: Part One • Desteni – Group of people exploring Equality & Oneness principles
– Demo – Practical Solutions – Reactions • Desteni – Group of people exploring Equality & Oneness principles