Benevolent Acts of Evil – Yes, this is a paradox, but So are WE as Humans in this World System that is Our Creation – Only paradoxes and absurdity can describe the things that we’ve come to worship as benevolent and ‘good’ at the expense of others/life on Earth that is also ourselves.
Now, the 10 million dollar question: Where Did I Learn the Belief that Doing Good is equal to FEELING GOOD ?
In the previous blog I discussed even my dreams of ‘world change’ contained my own dreams of escalating in social positions in order to, yes ‘do good’ but also have a lot more benefits/ have more money and some social recognition for ‘doing good’ and as such, ‘deserving’ my rewards.
So after I wrote this blog yesterday I realized how the entire idea of wanting to change the world/ do good had a positive imprint on it – right – but, where did I get such idea from? Where did I first become aware of ‘doing good’ as something ‘good’ and that would lead me to have a nice experience that I learned to call ‘satisfaction.’
I can only trace it back to how my father used to say that when he does ‘good things,’ then it comes back ten-fold to him. And this was a general saying even: ‘may god multiply it to you’ and that’s what I would hear poor people telling him when he would ‘spare a coin’ to them – and so my father’s satisfaction in that moment as in making it a good experience became a reference point to this. Also in his work and position wherein he had some benefits for some two years, I remember people greeting him and giving him gifts and being all happy/ joyous around him and ourselves – me and my sisters/ mother -when being there. Something similar would happen when visitors would come home and how it was always such a nice experience to have everyone just being happy within being all cordial and show hospitality, helping others in any way becoming like this thing that would be ‘uplifting,’ which I came to enjoy for the ‘positive atmosphere’ that would represent, and yes gifts in return from abroad +
However, I never knew the mechanics of how it is that only a few beings can ‘spare coins’ to poor people asking for some ‘charity’ in traffic lights, nor did I ask why people were smiling and revering my father wherein I was not seeing the convenience aspect of keeping a job, keeping a certain reputation and in essence, doing so out of fear of losing their current position within such organization, probably it was never because of some actual charm or enjoyment – lol. And the same within this belief that If I do good = good things will come my way. And I’d say this is the most ingrained belief, reinforced throughout time by my father’s predicaments based on books he’d read mainly about positive thinking at the time. So, I believed it, so I wanted to do good while waiting a reward for it, therefore it was never really unconditional within this. This is proof of how we have become absolutely deluded when it comes to ‘doing good’ while expecting something ‘good’ to come back our way instead of just establishing a system wherein we could ensure that we give to ALL Equally, wherein no matter what we decide to do and dedicate our lives with, we will know that we are living and supporting a system wherein no one is left behind. That would be True Benevolence not acts of charity to enhance one’s ego.
Do we see our life essence being equal when we do something good expecting something in return, meaning, do we see how it is simply giving and supporting that which we Also are? Or do we see only our egos expecting something in return? I’d say we’ve always lived in the selfish mind-frame of the second option and it is only now that within this whole point of a Desire to ‘Change the World’ we realize that it would be futile trying to ‘change the world’ if we haven’t stopped our own egos from continuing seeking ways to fulfill our own ‘satisfaction’ at the expense of others within a system that revolves around life-abuse. How bizarre it is, really, wanting to create a positive experience of ‘doing good,’ learning in schools, families and generally ‘ethics’ to always seek to ‘do good’ to another, but never even questioning why the inherent platform as the current system designed to neglect the lives of the majority would in any way enable such ‘human benevolence’ to take place – isn’t it rather deceptive and evil to do all these random acts of ‘benevolence’ for nice smiles, phony pictures of ‘charity makers’ – like celebrities do – and claim to have contributed to Change while always expecting some form of benefit in return.
As I was ‘jogging the memory’ – one of the first points I became aware of in terms of celebrities and doing some form of ‘good’ was becoming aware of the Free Tibet concerts that the Beastie Boys organized – now reading it was back in 1996 – so I was 10 years old and realizing that Hey one can have fun, be rich, be famous, do good and feel GOOD about it. I actually made a video mentioning this when Adam Yauch died some months ago. I explain the whole deal here
Now, an aspect I later on realized is that this goodness was not inherent to me, it was not something that I ‘truly’ wanted to do and even today I realize that all the bits and moments I ‘did good’ was from the starting point of getting some form of benefit from it, or ending up in a position wherein I would be able to be helped back by another, almost like keeping a score of myself in terms of how ‘good’ I was becoming as a form of Credit.
The ‘feeling good’ aspect of ‘doing good’ is not linked to anything else but actual money/ recognition that I would be able to get from other beings actually, which implies what? That inherent desire to ‘do good’ was nothing natural to me, it was acquired through all the above mentioned points in my environment of getting rewards, gifts, recognition, appraisal, cordiality, getting this ‘goodness’ ten fold, etc. all stemming as points that would come from the en-virus-ment I’d say, all these viruses of positivity that I took as ‘word’ to be lived without a question.
The specific self forgiveness is then to see the actual ‘ugly truth’ of it all, which is had not really cared about myself as a physical living being/ I had not regarded Life as myself in all equally as one, I had only lived as an ego trying to uplift itself from ‘doing good’ and becoming ‘the savior’ in this reality while gaining money and recognition. This stops here
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to never question why I was pretending to ‘do good’ and ‘feel good’ about doing something to upgrade/ uplift or dignify the living conditions of other beings without asking first why on Earth they were being neglected and how my own existence was directly responsible for their current condition, and instead allowed me to stand in the position of being ‘indignant’ about it, which is the same mechanism of seeking who to blame instead of understanding how the system works and realize that I am a direct participant in the system that is currently denying support to beings that should be – by default, by virtue of being living beings – supported with all the necessary requirements to Live.
I commit myself to expose any form of charity or benevolent act of evil as the actual underlying reasons why they are taking place, and why charity nor fund raising or any other form of ‘support’ that exists as a form of benevolence toward the ‘less fortunate ones’ is looking at an actual solution to Stop perpetuating the requirement of ‘charities’ and ‘auctions’ to benefit this or that cause, and instead realize that necessary economic, political and social reform required at a global level for Actual Real Change : www. equalmoney.org
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever believe that I was inherently ‘good’ wanting to ‘do good to others’ and in this world, without ever really even considering how this goodness was always expecting something in return in the form of a recognition, preference, specialness, even gifts/ material stuff in return as well as creating a form of ‘credit’ for a future moment wherein I would apparently someday require something from the being I was ‘helping out,’ and in that learn how to move within relationships of self interest instead of actually being unconditional within my ability to assist and support others.
I realize that this stems from the aspect of our current monetary system wherein I learned to save money/ to not squander it, to not just ‘give it away’ because it was earned with hard work, and such all ‘benevolent acts’ that implied me buying something to someone was charged with a bit of guilt but in this all, the desire to help to get a positive experience was ‘more’ than the practical considerations of money and my ability to give it away.
When and as I see myself wanting to ‘do good’ to others based on my ability to buy it without considering further aspects in terms affording it, I stop and I breathe. I realize that wanting to do good/ make others feel good is based on self interest according to my own social-conditioning of expecting good things in exchange. Thus I direct myself to consider the practical physical reality of supporting others without compromising myself in my living conditions.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to project Care and Benevolence toward other beings, wanting to do good/ wanting to change the world while not being absolutely comfortable with myself, not really caring about myself as an individual and wanting the ‘best for myself,’ as all my relationships and truth of what I accepted and allowed myself to become revealed otherwise, that I wasn’t really caring for myself as a living being – thus, how was I preaching ‘goodness’ while being self abusive? A walking paradox I had become – thus
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to neglect myself in the first place in terms of seeing how I could correct myself, and learn how to appreciate and care for my own physical body before even trying to ‘do good’ outside in the world just because of the experience I would get, which would compensate my actual lack of self-consideration/ self ‘love’ if you will, even though I cannot utter the word love without seeing it as a major deception still – so I will use self-appreciation as that is a consideration of the physicality that I am enabling me to exist and continue, even after all the time that I’ve been torturing my physical body even by my desire to get some ‘positive experiences’ which is part of what I had always been oblivious about in terms of how the mind works and how our physicals are always affected by the constant and continuous desire to live-through-the-mind as an Experience of either positive or negative experiences.
I realize that in this world and society we have never learned how to live as Physical Beings, and that the gruesome truth is that no one has really cared for themselves as equal beings, as the Life Substance/ our Equality that we exist as. Thus, I commit myself to continue walking my process of self acceptance, self appreciation and self-awareness to always ensure that everything that I am correcting within me is standing within a single physical alignment to what is best for all, thus no energy as positive or negative experiences is required.
I commit myself to develop my own self-relationship to my own my physical body to be able to actually walk through my own self-neglect first, before trying or attempting to ‘change the world’ outside of myself. As I see and realize and experience the physical trauma that we’ve inflicted upon ourselves in a ‘silent mode’ while existing in absolute separation of our physicals in relation to being only “living” up there in the mind, never questioning how it is that such experiences that we had equated as ‘living’ were not constant as the actual physicality that we breathe in an out – day in an out – moment by moment. That is our reality and that is what I see is required for me to equalize myself, so that no matter what decisions I make, I can can always exist here as myself and realize that there are many ways in which we can proceed to continue supporting beings to become aware of these basic principles: we have to first care for ourselves as Life in order to then understand why changing the world cannot be based on selfish self-interest, but how such self interest can only exist in common sense as Equality.
I must say that this whole evil thing has been actually very refreshing to me, from making sense of many paintings that I had and was confused about like wtf, why would I paint that? and also within cross referencing my own discomfort of having to smile and pretend to be a ‘good girl’ in certain social situations when the reality is that it Always seemed fake, period. I can say that if any form of joy exists in this world it cannot possibly exist as a reward of a deliberate input of ‘doing good’ to get something ‘good’ in return, no way – it must be an actual constant and consistent living realization of who one is as a living-force that contributes in equality within a system that can support all beings equally – nothing more and nothing less.
That’s what I would want for myself. Can I Give it to myself practically? Yes – I begin within me by removing the accepted and allowed social condition of ‘doing good’ as a positive experience, and instead equalize myself to a living-correction that implies only aligning myself/ who I am according to that which is best for all, which is then not energy based, but physical-reality based and in that any form of personal importance is vanished as there is no need to ponder any particular person for ‘doing good’ for all will be part of this way of living that has the potential to demonstrate what we can actually become if we start living in neighborism.
- This will continue with more nitty gritty aspects of social conditioning seeking benefits out of ‘doing good’ to society.
- Have you Seen my Happiness Anywhere? (Part 5): DAY 208