234. Feeling Weak Today?

Are Feel-Ill-ings Self Manipulation?

Continuing from:

Where have we gotten this idea of ‘having to project strength and security’ in the first place as a means to ‘be presentable’ in this world? It’s the same point as: who taught us to feel good about ‘doing good’ things? It is certainly through the indoctrination received from generation to generation through parents as we get ‘suited’ and ‘loaded’ to face the war zone that our reality as the world system has become. Presenting ourselves thus as the best suited in physical appearance, mental skills, social traits, virtues and any other charismatic trait assures you – or may I say ‘assured you’ – a place in the system that would regard you as special and unique for representing the ‘Ideal Persona’ that everyone wanted to be.

I got to live this from a certain perspective and I will walk this by all means to not obviously puff up my own ego-preprogrammed self-image, but to absolutely debunk it within the consideration of how the opposite of what I had to play was always a point of discomfort within me, which is not usually considered when the majority is the one ‘not getting anything right’ and there’s only a minority that ‘do everything right’ – but all of this right and wrong obviously based only within the context of this system that was settled to only function this way: only a few will obtain the grace of god as all the best positions in the world system, while the majority have to strive for that. This does not mean though that I actually ‘made it,’ I simply got to try out and live out what would be placed as an example for others, which became more than unsustainable, worrying, tiresome and obnoxious to say the least. This was also part of the character, which is why I lead myself to ‘spite the world’ which was only spiting myself, ending up eventually not following through any of the expectations that I had lead myself within, which is just as it should be, as all the past expectations were based within my past-mind set of Who I Believed Myself to Be = Not actually real, but only a literally frothed idea of myself that I knew was fake all along, but felt ‘nice’ to play it for a while – due to all the benefits and the props you get, blatantly saying ‘Ok I’ll take the heat for a while, it’s cool, I like it’ and neglecting reality for all the abuse that stems from accepting a single idea of ‘superiority’ in this world, no matter where, how or why.

 

This is how debunking oneself implies looking at the personality creation model based on this ‘strength’ point that I began discussing in my last post and then follow through to what I can see, became my own ‘survival of the fittest’ and how from that single stand point, anything and anyone becomes a point to guard/ oppose, support/ antagonize, want/ fear losing and as such, continue the same inner-conflict and battles to keep us having ‘inner conflicts’ about ‘who we are’ and so on, when everything that we already are is here as physical beings – lol, how could be so conflictive about ‘the who I am’ question if we are already HERE. ‘Who’ Is a being – any other configuration would only reinstall the same past-characters configured within and as the same system of abuse. Do we want to ‘stick to our guns’ then? No thank you, I am not willing to participate in anything that recreates a system of separation, differentiation through the imposition of fake values that are meant to sell life, not live it and honor it in Equality.

 

Here I go with the first part on ‘strength’

 

Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements:

 

  • Memory that pops up:

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to create this idea of strength from the moment that I had to leave my parents in kindergarten the first day of school, and I saw all children crying and I simply ‘played the strong one’ as ‘the only one that didn’t cry’ and in this, marking what I would become throughout my school years: standing ‘above’ in my mind from the rest while at the same time, suppressing all the fears and anxiety experienced because of having to ‘stick to my guns’ of presenting such strength and self stability no matter what, hiding from others the turmoil experienced within me throughout my first school years, due to having to be sustaining/ maintaining this idea of self as ‘strong’ and ‘superior’ which I realize was only an energetic self-experience of Strength based on the survival of the fittest acquired mechanisms in the school system, learning to be ‘on top’ all the time but at the same ending up fearing losing such privileged position.

When and as I see myself fearing exposing a lack of ‘strength’ as this idea that I created of myself – I stop and I breathe – I realize that all the strength that I am is a self-movement that is not energy based or self-idea as the ego-past personality that I’ve been, but a single consideration that I have the necessary nutrients and money to survive, to keep my physical body ‘alive’ and that this is my actual strength as all the power that we have exists in every single breath – thus

 

  • Fear:

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to develop this belief and self idea of strength stemming from actual fear of being abused or violated in any way which implies that all strength lived as a concept of ‘who I am’ was based on fear and as a safety/ protection mechanism as an energetic experience of superiority, never considering who I am as a physical being that does not require to ‘think strong’ in order to move and direct myself in every breath and regard this ability to do it as the actual physical strength that exists equally in all.

When and as I see myself believing and thinking that I lack strength/ I am not that strong today/ I feel weak/ someone stronger than me can do it – I stop and I breathe and realize my ability to move as that single breath in the physical which is where strength exists

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make of strength a concept as a self-experience of being invincible and acting as an ‘I can do it all’ character in my mind,  that in no way considers the actual reality and physicality that I am, but only an idea of myself that represented a point of perceived superiority when compared to others, and within this believing that stepping down from such self-created belief of who I am as ‘strength’ would actually mean or imply a weakness, playing the same polarity that I learned to obey without any further questions and simply keeping this ‘ideal’ in my mind but never equated it to physical reality.

I realize that I would also go into ‘feeling bad’ for those that had it tough throughout school, but not doing anything either to question why only some people could be ‘on top’ and the majority was ‘below’ the high-ranks of what a ‘good student’ should be, which is a point that I linked to strength, separating myself from strength as my physicality as every breath.

When and as I see myself believing that stopping playing ‘strong’ means a ‘weakness’ and actually playing out the ‘weakness’ as who I am  – I stop and I breathe – I realize that this is just me complying to my self created beliefs and personalities going from positive to negative and back again, without realizing that who I really am is not defined by being strong or superior, nor weak or inferior – but physically here as everyone else wherein all our power and strength is able to be lived in every moment of breath – thus I stick to my commitment of living physically here as the strength that allows me to move, communicate, live and essentially Be a living being.

 

    • Self Belief:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider that I could be ‘strong’ for certain activities/ duties but ‘weak’ for others, and in this, always defining myself ‘liking’ to do what I perceived myself to be strong for, while evading and avoiding anything else that I believed myself to be incapable of living out – due to my own limitations – wherein I realize that I was the only one that followed my own protocol of what I was supposed to do and contain myself within such bubble of being ‘good’ and ‘strong’ for some activities and be ‘weak’/ not good enough for others.

 

I realize that we have all contributed to this separation of ourselves as the physical within definitions of pros and cons, believing that we would Never be able to be a sound-being because that was always portrayed as something ‘beyond’ our capability. Which is How I came to react to words like perfectionism or being extremely effective, wherein I separated myself from such words believing that they were too elusive for me to ever be able to embody.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to even within the idea/ belief of ‘strength’ placed on apparent intellectual abilities, I feared losing such strength and defined myself by lacking strength in other areas in my life, which proves that no matter ‘how’ I perceived myself to be within one area of my life as ‘the best,’ I continued with the ‘inherent flawed’ inner conflict within other aspects of myself such as lacking physical strength or lacking abilities to relate myself to many people –as I thought I had to do – or the perfect image presentation that I pursued in my mind for the purpose of satisfying the relationship stereotype that I believed I wanted – and all of this, creating a massive inner conflict that lead me nowhere but believing that the was actually ‘something wrong’ with me, which is what we have all blatantly accepted and allowed of ourselves as ‘who we are’ without a question.

 

I realize that this is unacceptable since every single self-acceptance of self-diminishment as being ‘weak’ or ‘inferior’ or ‘not good enough’ is recreating and reinstalling the same patterns of self abuse that we have collectively supported as ‘who we are’ within this world system where life has never been considered equal, but only diminished ourselves to these limited ‘models’ that could be sold according to some traits and skills that can be useful for further profiting schemes – therefore, there has never been an actual role model promoted in our society that considers life in equality which is why we are here as Destonians to be and become the example of what it is to equalize ourselves as physical beings, stopping all delusions of lack as experiences in the mind and focus on solving the physical problems in reality of actual Lack which is for example, lacking food to eat, lacking water to drink and have proper hygiene, lacking vocabulary and basic skills to live, lacking parental support, lacking compassion for others to place ourselves in the shoes of those that actually Lack money simply to make it in this world, that lack a place to live and as such, their weakness is real as thin bodies that lack nutrients to survive – that is real weakness that exists as a result of our mind-delusions seeking ‘strength’ as ‘power’ and ‘superiority’ while missing out the physicality and reality of what is here wherein we are simply not regarding each other as equals – and that in itself, is already showing to what extent any possible ‘positive trait’ can only be founded upon abuse.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project an idea of strength as a way to perpetuate what I believe I must ‘hold on to’ as an idea of myself within this system, wherein I had played the role of the ‘role model’ in certain aspects which became unsustainable and a point of inner conflict because of realizing that it was only based upon fake values within a system that was only imposed and followed and bought– therefore, actually not being able to ‘follow through’ with the lie of myself as such character – which is how everything has to ‘fall down’ and just like the tower that must be debunked – all must go before the new can emerge – thus I realize that I cannot hold on to any single ‘trait’ that I had as an Idea of myself that was not yet integrated as the physicality as who I am.

This does not mean now denying or opposing or avoiding ‘strength’ or anything like that, this only means aligning myself to a physical consideration of strength that is not an Effort – and this I worked actually in my Desteni I Process and remember very well how I had written the word ‘effort’ and my buddy said to change the effort word for Physical ability as the movement required to move things/ direct things in a specific direction/ outcome.

We can see how it is an ability that is ‘available’ for all as part of our self-movement – it is not then based on energy, which means, it cannot exist as an Idea of myself based on past experiences such as ‘keeping up to my ground’ and being ‘courageous’ but mostly out of fear – thus

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to hold backchat such as ‘I can do it, I can do it all’ placing an overload within myself to believe that I could ‘take it all’ and come out ‘victorious’ as I had always done throughout my life, wherein no matter what I would always ‘make it,’ which is something that I took for granted and actually became detrimental to understand what real effort is and implies, specifically once that you are no longer in a ranking system such as school where you can be praised for having some preprogrammed wits, but when it comes to physical reality none of that is of actual substance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project strength as something ‘superior’ than myself and as such ‘live up to it’ through utilizing energy as self-talk and self-definitions instead of regarding the physicality of myself as that constant and continuous realization of strength as who I am.

 

When and as I see myself talking to myself believing that ‘I can do it all’ I stop and I breathe – I realize that this is a self-positive-talk based on past patterns wherein I would always be able to ‘make it’ – or at least that’s the belief that I guarded as myself – and instead realize that there is no such platform for me to always ‘have it easy’ and as such, real effort, real self direction is required. And this is where any Idea of myself as ‘strong’ must be debunked in order to establish a real physical consideration of strength as breath, here, physically.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to hold backchat such as ‘I am not strong enough to go through that’ or ‘I don’t feel strong today/ I feel weak’ wherein I am accepting and allowing energy to direct me instead of me realizing that all strength is existent here as breath as the physical.

 

When and as I see myself self-talking myself about being ‘weak’ or not being ‘strong enough today,’ I stop and I breathe – I stand up and physically ground myself to realize that all ideas of ‘weakness’ are only energetic leeches I’ve fed in my own mind and as such, ground myself as the physical breathing and understanding such breath as my actual strength in every moment.

 

  • Reaction:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in discomfort and general haziness whenever I am not fully here as the physical strength of breath and as such, reacting within ‘giving up’ modes which can only exist due to having the time and ability to ‘give up’ because I am not in a survival mode – which implies one thing: Giving up is only an elitist act of self indulgence wherein I realize that people working 18 hours a day give up committing suicide due to lacking actual strength to keep going due to being malnourished and lacking any actual self-motivation to live, as how can that be a ‘life’ when living as a slave –

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in ‘weakness’ and ‘powerlessness’ while taking for granted everything that I have as an actual platform for me to move and be consistent her as breath, as the physical strength that I really am.

 

When and as I see myself reacting in ‘powerlessness’ and ‘hopelessness’ I stop and I breathe – I realize that in this experience I am only fueling energy as the result of the friction and conflict in my mind. Thus I direct myself to Stop all self diminishing within the understanding that I am only propitiating a continuation of an inner cycle in my mind as an energetic experience of ups and downs, which is not acceptable.

I commit myself to realize and bring myself back to Earth to be aware of the opportunity I have, the time available, the physical integrity that I exist as in order to move myself to my fullest potential that is nothing elusive or separate from me, but a point I commit myself to realize and integrate as a constant living realization of who I really am in the physical.

 

 

  • Physical Dimension:
    • Positive

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘play strong’ as in walking with more tension in my physical body in a self-conscious manner projected toward others as a sense of superiority/ strength, which proves that while being alone I don’t require to play these characters but it only exists as a personality created toward ‘others’ as general people in my environment when stepping into the world  – so to speak.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use words that I have defined as strength, as a way to ‘keep my stance’ which comes through as a sense of imposition or intolerance – this means that whenever I am not fully clear as myself when writing, I project this idea of strength through energy instead of directing myself in common sense.

 

When and as I see myself ‘playing strong’ around others through standing very straight But with a tension in my body – not breathing properly but being self-conscious in the mind toward others – I stop and I breathe – I allow myself to go back to that fluidity and comfort that I realize I am able to exist as whenever I am physically here moving and walking, which is what actually being here is about – any tension experienced, I flag point it, look at my thinking, what did I see, what came up from ‘nowhere’ in the mind, what did I hear, what did I remember –  as these are all basic points that can lead me to change my stance and physical beingness here in one moment – thus

I commit myself to be breathing and fully aware of the least physical change as a slight tension wherein I play out the ‘strength’ character out of fearing facing something-someone – and as such, take responsibility for it through writing, self forgiveness, self corrective application.

 

When and as I see myself wanting to write something that sounds ‘strong’ in order to impose a sense of authority through energy as I write it, I stop and I breathe – this is where I have to give myself a moment to not rush into this protection mechanism of portraying ‘strength’ through words, but instead, allow myself to asses the situation and come back to it after a few breaths or moving around to see the point for what It is and give it direction while being stable- here as breath. This is to ensure that all that I speak is actually physically here and not just a quick mechanism to protect myself or others from what I perceive as an attack to which I have to ‘defend myself’ from.

 

I realize that I can only play the game of wanting to ‘defend’ myself if I regard my own self as something that can be ‘abused’ or ‘violated’ or ‘brought down’ by words that others may express toward myself or others. Thus I commit myself to realize the words strength as the ability to move and be directive as who I am and exist as in physicality, not a concept.

 

I also realize that there is no real ‘positive physical experience’ as it is stemming from blatant fear to present this sense of superiority and ‘togetherness’ in physical presentation.

 

    • negative

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to slouch and have eyes all droopy-down whenever I feel weak and get to a point of even creating an experience of actual muscular weakness sensation wherein I simply don’t want to move because of believing that ‘I am not strong enough today,’ without realizing the level of abuse and self manipulation that exists within this, only to victimize ourselves to not be readily here every moment in a sound state that is always here whenever we stick to physicality.

 

When and as I see myself experiencing any form of energetic ‘weakness’ as a perceived ‘lack of strength’ – I stop and I breathe – I bring myself to the actual living strength of myself here as breath, as the physical and move. Breathe out the experience until I am aware that my eyes are no longer ‘down/ droopy’ and I am not deliberately slouching as a way to send a signal ‘I feel like shit today’ which is not acceptable as that is an indication of clear mind possession.

 

I commit myself to stop all mind possessions the moment that I start experiencing a ‘weakness’ energetic experience, which usually leads to a ‘giving up’ in the moment. I assist and support myself to stick to physicality and breath as the actual power and strength I really am.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live out this ‘ideal’ of strength based on knowledge and information linked to ‘intelligence’ within what is currently understood as intelligence, responsibility and ‘courage’ which was all stemming from being defense mechanisms and preprogrammed traits that I believed was in fact ‘who I am,’ without realizing that any self definition existent as knowledge and information at a mind level are not sustainable/ are not real as the physical thus

I commit myself to live the definition of strength as the physical ability to move and direct myself to a defined direction/ outcome/ to do that which I propose myself to do and be here as breath as the only and actual ‘fuel’ that I require to continue and do it.

 

I realize that the ‘roots’ that I had as ‘strength’ were not real, since they were based upon a self-belief of ‘who I am’ within the world-system as the values I perceived myself to be/ have which in no way stood in alignment to the physicality of who I really am as equal as everyone, as the actual strength that is an ability and capability within all equally.

 

I realize that any belief of ‘lacking strength’/ not being strong enough is actually self-manipulation to not actually just ‘do it’ and step out of the inner turmoil of mind-fixes as energetic experiences that in no way mean an actual self-realization of the physicality that is constantly here as breath, as the real power that we all are and exist as.

 

Directing such strength as a diligent self movement is the commitment, so that no ‘wavering’ occur and if it does occur, I immediately investigate it without leaving further ‘space’ to ‘try and find it out later’ – as that is what only keeps a point of suppression leading to further consequences in the mind and in my physical reality as in ‘not moving’ effectively.

 

 

Further self-exploration writing:

2012 Self-Religion: The Tower of the Fool

 

To Be Continued

 

Desteni

Desteni Lite Process

Equal Money System

Journey To Life Blogs

Floating around

Blogs:

 

Interviews:

 

Vlog:

About Marlen

I share my realizations and perspectives within learning how to live life in self-honesty to expand and grow as a person in this world. #IMatter View all posts by Marlen

5 responses to “234. Feeling Weak Today?

  • chrisknox155

    Reblogged this on Great blogs.

  • Larry Sage

    Firstly, if you feel that any observations I’ve made are out of line, you may rebuke me, and I may not mind.

    From what I’ve read here, I can see that you’re on a relentless pursuit for truth, and for what is real — which is commendable –, but I think you’re being incredibly hard on your self!! I’m so rapt that I’ve come across someone who has a profound understanding of our condition, but don’t punish yourself — the condition is punishment enough (not intending to imply that the condition is punishment for a crime, like some spiritualists might suggest [caste system, ect — pure rubbish]).

    It’s virtually impossible not to live in this world — The Casino of Sol III, without being complicit in some kind of crime, especially if one is in the west: I can’t stand this one bit! And given that no-one would deny the influence of the media, why on earth can’t things like morality and virtue be promoted, instead of the lobotomising alcoholic knucklehead cheating and lying culture? (Not meaning to say that everyone should be a moral prude, but geez). It’s possible that it could be because these attributes of the mind are connected with contemplation, which is a bit of a pickle for puppeteers, as it means people are using their brains to think.

    And when the poignant tang of the way the world really is has singed one’s tongue — like two of the three Vinegar Tasters — they veer away from the thoroughfare, away from its inaneness and moral corruption, and go to the learned — the wise — The Sage–; only to find an imposture that the less discerning among us sop up every esoteric ‘Teaching’ from, and have, as you put it, ‘Surrendered to the Present Moment’ (hmm, something like that I think), leaving the status quo of inequality and discrimination totally unchallenged, and also leaves us having to be our own Guru, although the concept ‘Surrendering to the Present Moment” would most certainly be celebrated by the ruling elites, unless I’m mistaken and their morally indestructible demeanor is something that reaches the core of their being.

    I’m guessing that you may have an aversion to praise, but I don’t care:
    I love you’re writings and hope to see more of them; please don’t go too deep with your explorations!

    Oh, and, your visual work is beautiful:)

    • Marlen

      Hello Larry, thanks for the feedback and subscribing to the blogs.

      1. “From what I’ve read here, I can see that you’re on a relentless pursuit for truth, and for what is real — which is commendable –, but I think you’re being incredibly hard on your self!! I’m so rapt that I’ve come across someone who has a profound understanding of our condition, but don’t punish yourself — the condition is punishment enough (not intending to imply that the condition is punishment for a crime, like some spiritualists might suggest [caste system, ect — pure rubbish]).

      The pursuit for truth stopped when I realized that the truth is always here as who I have been and become – there is nothing that I am pursuing here other than my own diligence to continue walking this process of Self Honesty in order to stand as a truth that I can face, walk through and not be ashamed of, which is not only ‘me’ as an individual, but as an equal and one participant in humanity.

      The punishment point you make, I cannot pin point it nor exactly do I know what you are referring to – and if you imply the point of Self Forgiveness linked to ‘punishment,’ then I suggest you do some research on the Desteni website about Self Forgiveness: why and how and many other participants walking the same process I am which is: taking self responsibility for what we’ve accepted and allowed ourselves to be and become.

      2. It’s virtually impossible not to live in this world — The Casino of Sol III, without being complicit in some kind of crime, especially if one is in the west: I can’t stand this one bit! And given that no-one would deny the influence of the media, why on earth can’t things like morality and virtue be promoted, instead of the lobotomising alcoholic knucklehead cheating and lying culture? (Not meaning to say that everyone should be a moral prude, but geez). It’s possible that it could be because these attributes of the mind are connected with contemplation, which is a bit of a pickle for puppeteers, as it means people are using their brains to think.


      The point here is to realize that, yes, we are all equally participants of all crimes against life, however it is not a point to simply cross our arms on the front and watch it all happen. The media is an outflow of the system we’ve all agreed to participate in, it is not an ‘evil’ in itself, it is the result of our self-interest in this profitable system what we are being fed with, it is us doing it to ourselves since money is the cause we are brainwashing and constricting ourselves within this model-lifestyle that was never regarded as a ‘life’ but as a style you buy and sell to the greatest bidder. Morality is just another construct that functions in the same manner: seek the positive and fear the negative, which is another form of mind control. This lobotomizing culture is what we’ve become and we are the cheaters to life the moment we believe that who we are is our thoughts and precious identities that we’ve cultivated as if it was that which we only Are in fact, which we are not. The mind is an energy based system that will pick up fights through thinking and beliefs and ideologies that rejoice when any form of conflict is obtained from the counter part/ the other participant, which makes us all co-participants of a virtual self abuse of physical devastating proportions. Look at the world now: we are mining the Earth, we are extracting every single piece of life to turn it into glittering flashing worlds that in no way represent an actual living condition of which all beings are even being benefited with. It is abuse in a massive proportion, yet if we d not commit ourselves to correct the root of the problem – which is ourselves – we’ll continue trying to extricate ourselves from this mess with further thinking, instead of understanding the very thinking processes upon reality as the root cause of the problem, which is by all means our responsibility – hence the self forgiveness and self corrective statements, the least I can do as part of a world in need of people with some common sense left to educate ourselves in the actual values and virtues of life which is: equality and oneness as life.

      3. And when the poignant tang of the way the world really is has singed one’s tongue — like two of the three Vinegar Tasters — they veer away from the thoroughfare, away from its inaneness and moral corruption, and go to the learned — the wise — The Sage–; only to find an imposture that the less discerning among us sop up every esoteric ‘Teaching’ from, and have, as you put it, ‘Surrendered to the Present Moment’ (hmm, something like that I think), leaving the status quo of inequality and discrimination totally unchallenged, and also leaves us having to be our own Guru, although the concept ‘Surrendering to the Present Moment” would most certainly be celebrated by the ruling elites, unless I’m mistaken and their morally indestructible demeanor is something that reaches the core of their being.

      Surrendering to the present moment is the perfect catchphrase promoted by new age gurus/ teachers that are being followed by millions of people that watch TV in hopes of their problems getting better by thinking positive. That is certainly quite a self-abusive form of support that any human being can provide to the minds of humans in this receptive state such as the one we have when being in front of the TV. This statement promotes leaving Everything unchallenged and unquestioned, as surrendering is abdicating responsibility and any form of understanding of how things actually work in reality to get to the realization that is, obviously, our own self-creation. There’s this massive delegation of power to a non-existent entity called god that everyone seek to attribute with their problems to solve – or blame the devil in the opposite cases. It is thus the perfect enslavement by the elites that will have a ‘surrendering being’ to follow through with whatever is presented in order to have a little piece of heaven presented as the elusive carrot on the stick that everyone follows through, simply because everyone else is doing so, without even questioning Why. This is how people like Eckhart Tolle or The Law of Attraction are mainstream, keeps the herd desiring for more, which is spiritual consumerism that only feeds the greed of an already greedy human being. Is this a crime against life? I’d say so.

      Thanks for the comments, I work through my own aversions to praise by simply breathing and realizing that if you are able to learn from the words written in this blog, then the point of sharing as a form of communication is complete – and that is what I am here for.

  • raju

    Thank you for this post is all what i wish to say.thank you.with love from india, raju.

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