269.The Inner-Hell creates the Outer-Hell

 

The pattern unfolds the following way: one faces a point wherein Self Responsibility was neglected, wherein we didn’t measure the consequences of our thoughts, words and deeds and as such ‘all hell breaks lose’ within ourselves, because then we are faced with consequence, and we realize there is No way out from it this timeright?

Continuing from:

220. Drug Culture: Mad Society as a Lifestyle

Fear Dimension:

I will have to face the ugly truth of myself/ what I have become

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having to face myself as the point of neglect that I allowed to develop and exist due to my own irresponsibility toward myself as my thinking processes that lead to a physical consequence wherein now there are manifested consequences that I realize I have to face and as such

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having to endure the consequences and become fearful of facing my reality, without realizing that all the time I had the ability to take responsibility for myself, my words, thoughts and actions – but I didn’t – thus, I realize that fear is a convenient self-experience to victimize myself toward that which I have created without self-awareness – which means that

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use Fear as a way to cover up the fact that I neglected my own responsibility toward myself as my thoughts, my actions, my relationships, my own physical body and within this I have deliberately made myself ‘fearful’ to not see and face the reality that I’ve become, which is every single thought, every single word, every single relationship toward others and myself that have now caused a consequential outflow that has damaged myself and others, just because I had not considered what actually caring for myself in fact means.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to equally be fearful to face and confront the reality that this world has become, without realizing that this world is the collective accumulation of all individual neglect that I am actually participating and existing as myself – which implies that I cannot blame ‘the state of the world’ for how I experience myself, as I am the one that has decided how to experience myself through and as thoughts, feelings and emotions, never ever realizing that these are the mind-mechanisms wherein we eventually only get ‘drowned’ in our own self-experience and neglect the actual physical reality that is being constantly abused for us to maintain our personal heavens and inner hells, just because we haven’t realized the level of self-destruction that who we are as the mind has become upon this physical reality, which is what we really are/what should be a point of stability for all to actually live.

 

Thought Dimension:

Just vanishing, everything disappearing, me being doing nothing at all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when facing the consequence of my actions/ inaction and neglect toward my self responsibility, resort to a momentary thought of just wanting it all to end, just vanish and not think and experience anything, which is the pattern of wanting to avoid realizing that: nothing and no one has created such ‘unbearable self experience’ within me other than myself through constantly and continuously only having sought to ‘feel good’ and avoid taking responsibility toward myself and my world – this implies that

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to and desire to escape the mind as all the inner-hell/ turmoil that I have created within myself, without realizing that such inner-hell is in fact only created by the same mind that I have blindly participated in as constant thoughts, internal conversations/ backchat, reactions, judgments, emotions and feelings that exist as the energetic system that I have given attention to, which has now become ‘who I am’ and a such, out of my self-directive principle because of not having realized that Who I Am is the stability of the physical body, and that all the inner turmoil is indicating a point that I am not taking self responsibility for, a point that I have separated myself from and must investigate – but instead, allowed the inner-hell/ turmoil to become ‘who I am’ until it became unbearable that I did Not direct myself toward a solution and allowed myself to be overwhelmed by the consequence, which has now lead me to want to ‘vanish’ and just ‘scape’ through ‘plugging myself out’ through any means such as any substance, activity or person that I have defined as a ‘feel good’ experience, without realizing that in seeking for ‘feeling good’ again, I am only compounding the consequence of the neglect of sorting out that which ‘made me feel bad’ in the first place, which is myself and my own disregard to take actions to align and correct my life in order to function as what’s best for myself/ all equally.

 

Backchat/ Internal Conversations:

– I rather just give up, there is no point in solving that

– It’s done and I fucked up

– I knew this would lead nowhere

– I just want to make it all stop

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use thoughts in order to justify my irresponsibility toward myself and my reality with words like ‘I rather just give it all up, there is no point in solving that’ wherein I have believed that ‘giving up’ is an option I can take and that any point of solution is ‘pointless’ due to me having delegated the responsibility toward myself / my world toward ‘others changing first’ and as such, have used the ‘state of the world’ as a reason, excuse and justification to not take responsibility for myself and create an entire mind-possession of apathy/ depression/ sadness and despair that leads toward a ‘giving up’ self-experience, without realizing how it is in this very experience that we give Into the mind of self-interest, wherein I only then care about ‘How I Feel’ / ‘How I am Experiencing Myself as My Mind,’ wherein one then seeks to ‘feel better’ by using/ consuming/ doing something that will take me to the ‘positive experience again,’ which is how I have neglected to take Self Responsibility at all times, because of having always only been concerned about ‘How I Feel,’ regardless of who and what I am abusing within this.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use self-judgment as ‘It’s done and I fucked up’ which is a recurrent patter whenever I actually seek a form of companion and condescendence for my own created misery and neglect, which is just another form of using words to abuse myself and others in order to cover up and justify my lack of self-direction when it comes to taking responsibility for every single word, self-experience that I have within me – within this realizing that such words as ‘It’s done and I fucked up’ lead to a ‘no remedy’ situation wherein one leads oneself to the ‘bottom of the pit’ which is just another form of self-victimization to not have to face the reality and consequences that I have manifested and participated in equally.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept the words ‘I know this would lead me nowhere’ wherein the fact of Knowing as a conscious awareness of the potential damage/consequences created by myself were deliberately ignored due to me having always sought to feel good/ feel at ease/ do the least effort which amounts onto a series of points neglected/ avoided/ deliberately not looked at/ investigated such as my own thinking patterns that I have fed and created into this ‘unbearable self-experience’ of which I seek to escape from through wanting to ‘give up’ on myself/ life and everything, without realizing that who we are as the physical body does not give up on self until death, and that it is only through a mind possession that we can be seeking to ‘give up’ which indicates that it is who we are/ have become as the mind that is the first point of self-awareness that we must develop and consider in order to prevent these forms of mind-possession to take place.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create the backchat ‘I just want to make it all stop’ wherein the clear self-experience is that of victimization wherein I deliberately seek to ‘stop’ the consequences that I have participated in creating and manifesting every time that I accepted and allowed myself to follow my thoughts, my desires, wants and needs that would not consider first doing/ acting and directing that which ensures my physical stability and stable-sound relationships toward others and myself, my environment – and within this

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realizing that within this ‘I want to make it all just stop’ I am only existing as this selfish-decision that is not considering in fact ALL as myself as an actual living organism that I am reducing to a problem in my mind, which I then seek to ‘stop’ and ‘get rid of it’ without having taken a moment to look at myself, my words, thoughts, internal conversations, emotions and feelings that have lead me to create the physical consequences that I am now facing as myself.

I realize that this consequence that we have become is often sought to be avoided and shoved aside, which is what leads us to immediately seek to ‘feel good’ again, to ‘make it up’ for ourselves again, which is unacceptable since it is in fact those same ‘feel good’ self experiences that have lead us to neglect ourselves as physical beings, this world and all the actual living species that are enabling our ‘lives’ to continue, which means that: without the physical support of the Earth in itself, my ‘inner-hell’ would not be able to be fed and I would not exist – which implies that we are constantly abusing ourselves every time that we rather give into this mind possession of ‘not feeling alright’ and ‘wanting to escape’ instead of actually looking at the responsibility that we all hold toward this current world-wide/ global state of crisis that is clearly generated by all of us collectively and as such

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fail to see how ‘how I feel’ and ‘who I am’ as the mind, as what I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become is defining and co-creating the world outside of ourselves, which is not really separate from how I experience myself in the ‘inside’ as the expression of abuse that I have become as the mind is the current creative force and maintenance of the abusive status quo in the ‘outer-world’ as the current ‘outer-hell’ we have become as humanity within this world, abusing it in order to fuel our mind possessions, which is unacceptable.

Imagination:

Negative imagination: having to spend a long time solving the problem/ situation

Positive imagination: numbing myself out any form of drug/ stimulant/ activity/ inactivity

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use my mind and imagination to extrapolate the problem/ situation I am facing as a ‘worst case scenario’ such as having to spend a long time and having to implement a lot of effort to solve the problem/ create a solution to what I have done and become, without realizing that in this process of imagination, I am constructing just another reason and excuse to not move myself, not face my consequence and instead, become deliberately negligent toward myself and my reality, seeking for a ‘quick fix’ to sort it all out, which is usually through using and consuming something that will take me to this positive self experience – therefore

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to after I have participated in the negative imagination of all the possible outcomes of having to create solutions to the problems I have created and manifested within myself and my reality equally, I veer toward the ‘positive imagination’ such as wanting to immediately feel good again, wanting to consume and experience something that I have defined as ‘good’ and ‘positive’ which is mostly created through any form of drug, stimulant, activity or inactivity as well as relationships that I have used in my world in order to further ‘numb myself down’ and not face my reality and the consequences I am running away from, which is quite pointless and a waste of time if I realize that there is no actual way to ‘run away from myself’ in my imagination, as eventually we all have to face our reality and what we have become.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use my memories and imaginations as a way to program within myself an immediate way to ‘make myself feel better’ by going from the negative outcome to the positive outcome that I then seek to live-out as my reality, creating further consequences of evading my responsibility instead of actually stopping all participation in the same evasive behavior, place the cards on the table so to speak and ground myself as the physical to start looking at solutions instead of seeking further ways to ‘run away’ from it.

 

Reactions:

-Dread, dullness, apathy, wanting to give up

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a negative self-experience as emotions of dread, dullness, apathy as a general ‘wanting to give up’ self experience that I haven’t seen and realized represent the most common form of self-manipulation and excuse to not have to face oneself and the consequences created by my own negligence and deliberate unawareness, which means that, I have accepted and allowed myself to become subject to my own mind to define ‘who I am’ according to the conditions suiting my desires or not – and if not, I then use all forms of thoughts, internal conversations and imaginations to lead myself to embody this ‘giving up’ self experience, which I then believe is who I am, without realizing that is is only a mind-entity as all words, thoughts, imaginations, memories as patterns that I have diminished myself to be and become, without realizing I am in fact giving my breath/ my power away to fuel these self-destructive self-experiences without creating a solution to actually align/ correct the point I am becoming emotional about – within this

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize how any emotional experience is a deliberate self-manipulation and distraction to not have to face who I am and what I have become as the mind that I have believed is ‘everything that I am,’ constantly seeking to feel good/ be at peace in order to not face the inherent self-experience of being unfulfilled, unsatisfied, not good enough, never getting anything right, never succeeding, looking at the world as one big fuckup and allow all of these thoughts to become a self-experience that in no way are in fact contributing to my own well being and as such are no solution to the collective well being.

I realize that we have always resorted to complain about ‘how we feel/ how we see the world’ but in no way do we even conceive that it is ourselves only that have created this imbalance within and without in our reality, and that the actual beings that are suffering and having to endure the consequences of our mind-possessed decisions in life, are all the animals, plants, environment that we literally consume and abuse to constantly seek a ‘feel good’ point at a mind level, without being aware of the physical abuse and depletion and destruction that takes place within our body as our own physical flesh and without as the Earth’s resources that we literally burn up to generate Energy to ‘feel good.’

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Justify my experience as this reaction of ‘giving up’ and being in this emotional turmoil without realizing that in being and becoming so, I am Not supporting anyone in this reality at all, I am only supporting further self-abuse of myself and everyone else in this world, as I realize that whatever I accept and allow within myself is not an ‘isolated problem,’ but it is part of that which co-creates everyone’s self-experience as well, because the moment that we are ‘not alright’ within ourselves, all our relationships toward other beings in our world will also not be alright and as such, the entire world is woven and created and stemming from our own relationships that we have neglected toward ourselves first as our own mind.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to go into a positive experience whenever I am ‘down’ which is my self-created victimization state and within such mind-possession, seek to ‘feel good’ and ‘feel better’ through wanting to simply give-up about everything in my reality, wanting everything to just ‘disappear’ which is an apparent easy way out to ourselves and the consequences created, without realizing that I am the only one that has created such ‘unpleasant experience’ due to the relationship toward myself as my mind, my physical body and every other living being that I coexist with, which has never been considered in equality and self support.

 

Physical Dimension:

– Yawning, wanting to sleep, slouching, heavy eyes, tiredness

– Doing something compulsively like pulling out  my hair or cleaning something, going out to ‘get something’ that I don’t precisely need

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to yawn and ‘want to sleep’ whenever I am facing a point of consequence and as such, want to evade having to go through the actual process of self responsibility toward myself and my world

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to slouch and have a general self-experience of being ‘weak’ and ‘tired’ which I have accepted as an actual self-experience, without realizing that this is only the externalization of the thoughts and emotions that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become – which implies abusing my physical body and its stability, deliberately manipulating myself to ‘feel bad’ in order to justify further evasion of my responsibilities in my reality, which is unacceptable since it is a physical-self manipulation that is only supporting who I am as the mind and not who I really am and what I am willing to accept and allow of myself as the physical body that is actually Unconditional in its expression as long as I feed myself properly and breathe and exercise and relate to my physical environment in a common sensical manner = considering what is best for myself and all equally.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience a general heaviness in my body when having to confront the consequences that I have become as the outflow of my participation in the mind, wherein having heavy eyes becomes the ‘way that I see’ the world and everything, which is then an indication that I am becoming and embodying a mind possession to not SEE the reality of myself and what I have become, but instead seek further excuses and justifications to escape and evade my reality as a general ‘I am not feeling well’ which is obviously the consequence of who I am as the mind upon my physical body – which is the point of self responsibility to align here.

Consequences:

– Wasting time, having to catch up while I regain my stability, missing out great opportunities of self-change due to giving into the energetic experience of ‘I’m doomed/I’m fucked/ I lost’

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience that the consequences are just ‘too great’ and ‘too vast’ to face as what I am as my mind, what I’ve imposed onto my physical body and as such extend such consequence to my physical reality as this world, wherein every problem that we see is the result of us not living-as physical beings that consider at all times what’s best for all, but have become mind-possessed bodies that only seek to generate good feelings, positive experiences at the expense of the world we consume, exploit and destroy in order to generate our personal heavens.

 

I realize that every single moment that I face consequence, it is not a point for me to become sad, go into self pity and self destructive behavior about it but instead use the opportunity to face, correct and align the relationship that I have neglected that has caused a physical consequence within me and my world – this is thus the pattern to  become aware of at all times: seeing this world and all its ‘flaws’ and ‘problems’ not as an indication only of ‘how fucked we all are’ and sink into depression, but instead make a deliberate physical decision to no longer be willing to accept and allow ourselves to be subsumed by self destructive and evasive behavior, because this would only pile up into the already piled-up mess that we’ve created in this world – we are here to stop and make a declaration of who we are willing to be and live as, which is the decision that won’t make us ‘feel good’ such as the rush experienced with any drug as a positive experience , but will generate physical, stable and sound solutions to generate an actual wellbeing for all living beings, where I am certain, no more addictions and self destruction will be sought, since we will all be equally aware of giving and doing what’s best for all in the realization of who we really are as Equals.

 

Self-Commitment Statements to come  –

Further support:

 

 

DSC06433

 

 

Face Thy Demons – Great Support here:

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About Marlen

I share my realizations and perspectives within learning how to live life in self-honesty in the Desteni Process to expand and grow as a person in this world. #IMatter View all posts by Marlen

2 responses to “269.The Inner-Hell creates the Outer-Hell

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