279. My Ambivalent Relationship with Rewards

Let’s look at the word Reward  – and just like any other word that we get to understand as the physical and mental activities or inactivity or condition that it implies, we have to look at what on Earth must we have accepted and allowed for such meaning to exist.

 

Continuing from:

reward
n    noun a thing given in recognition of service, effort, or achievement. a fair return for good or bad behaviour. a sum offered for the detection of a criminal, the restoration of lost property, etc.
n    verb give a reward to. show one’s appreciation of (an action or quality) by making a gift. Ø(be rewarded) receive what one deserves.

 

The following blog allowed me to see the actuality of what this word implies: Mind Value System = Money Value System: DAY 275 

Quoting:

“Which then brings us to our Current Money System – based on a Value-System within the context of ‘Reward’ within the Framework/System of Consumerism: the More Value is placed on Products, the More Money you Pay – with the More Money coming from the very physical labour of/as your physical life force, and so essentially, you “pay with your Life Force”, to make Money – with the Money representing the value of your Labour/Life Force you put into it, to consume products/material possessions that are accordingly Valued in relationship to the Value of the Reward it provide to Humans.” – Sunette Spies

 

The only reason why we have created such form of recognition as an ‘extra’ point is because we haven’t given/gifted ourselves with the necessary value to stop this malarkey of having to ‘give us rewards.’ I absolutely agree and I am glad that this has cleared up to realize that it is in fact a word indicating the ‘extra-value’ that we fool ourselves with in order to recompense/ remunerate someone for their ‘good job.’ The reason why I see this as foolish is because I have considered that it is our task and responsibility to do everything that we participate on to the best of our ability. Now, I must say I haven’t lived by this to the T, I mostly only extended it to what I adopted/ believed was my ‘only duty’ which was being a student, and as such, I would mostly not see the tasks and assignments as ‘chores’ but as single points of responsibility that I had to give direction to no matter what  – yes, there was the ‘fear factor’ of ‘what will happen If I don’t do it’ and many times I broke my own ‘immaculate record’ just to prove myself that I can fuck around as well – quite a self sabotage pattern that I still see I play and which will be addressed because as everything: it is linked.  And now I see the relationship between the line we can blur and re-signify in terms of giving/gifting.

 

So, the word ‘reward’ contains the word ‘award’ and this brought up the memory of when my father would give me some money because of doing good in school – I’ve told this story before here in this blog but just for the sake of seeing the ‘reward dimension’ again –  so, I would initially reject it, because to me having the ‘best grades’ was not really an ‘honor’ but just ‘doing my job’ and this is where the whole construct of ‘rewards’ begun with the negative-imprint toward it, because of my father’s insistence on giving me money for it and how I would then, after a ride of mixed feelings and emotions about it,  end up accepting it along with morality obstructive-aspect of ‘this is not required/ but I also can buy this/this/that with the money’ – thank you Father!’

 

And so, this would happen most of the times that I had my grades given at the end of two months or at the end of the school year, I would sometimes not even want to share them with him because I knew he would feel compromised to say ‘here’s some money, buy your books or cd’s’ and yes, that’s how I mostly earned up my music and book collection, by always having this positive-score as a ‘good student’ and as such my parents wanting to ‘reward’ me somehow. So, within this we can see the aspect of reward: I can buy what I like/ an extra/ a luxury out of a point of recognition for ‘being a good student.’  And it certainly became this form of ‘secure fund’ in a way, which indicates how I obviously DID participate in the rewards point after stepping on my own ‘moral codes.’

 

The most usual form of reward begins when we are babies and we’re eating vegetables/actual food and we are given a spoon of something sweet in between as a positive reward for keeping eating. Quite a foolery really because that’s how we got used to always seeking for something sweet after we ate the whole meal, and if not, it wasn’t a ‘fulfilling meal,’ which means how we created this positive values to sugar and virtually discarded all the actual nutrients we would get from the ‘real food’ just because of not getting that ‘last heavenly experience’ of something sweet.

 

Another one is allowing us to watch TV/ go out/ play if one has finished the homework and as such, obviously there will come a time when full rebellion is sought in this restrictive pattern, because this reward system is simply an energetic trickery that is not based on common sensical understanding of our responsibilities and duties that we should have all acquired from birth with our parents as a principled living condition: I support myself because that enables myself and others to live in Self Responsibility – however this does not operate as such, and as they say here: we do not give a step without a shoe – which means, we always ensure that whatever we do: we will be properly rewarded for. Otherwise, why would anyone remain in our current Schooling System? Oho!

 

Now, here I am not placing myself as a genuine ‘common sensical’ person because I did seek rewards in many other ways in my life, however I am disclosing the pattern of attaching a negative value to rewards based on memories.

 

So, when my father was extending the hand with money as a reward for me being a good student, I would literally place my hands back and it’s like when you are a kid and you want something but at the same time you don’t. The reasons were because I grew up with this sense of Lacking money all the time, always wanting to use the least, to not use up much of our supplies, to be a ‘saver’ of everything and all of this was out of fear of making my father spend too much money on me. I have walked this in a mind construct specifically related toward my father whom I could equate to my relationship with money – from understanding money, how money works, how money flowed in the house, and me forming this constrained idea of ‘we don’t have much money, I should not ask for more, I conform with what I have, wanting more is greed and making my father spend on me is selfish.’ 

 

This I learned through observation, through hearing conversations, through ‘picking up’ my father’s experience when handing money toward my mother to buy food/ the necessary to eat/ house supplies etc. – the same when I required money for books, some school thing and how I would worry to even say the price of it, which lead me to this belief that ‘money is something precious and I am not that worthy to have this money be spent on me’– and I must say that my mother would let me know how I should not worry about this, however I was very tough-headed and stubborn when it came to me believing that we were really in financial strain most of the time and that I should behave with my ‘desires’ – even though it was quite a futile inner conflict, because I would end up getting stuff that I wanted anyways. This is how I can see that I created my own mindfuck just to create a personality of ‘the considerate one that doesn’t want to make my father spend more money than he already does on my education/ food/ sustenance’  – ‘the one’ because I have two more sisters and I mostly would judge the fact that they would spend more money than I did, and as such created my own ego/superiority out of being the ‘noble one’ that ‘refuses rewards’ while they would say ‘hey, if you don’t want it, I do!’  – which would piss me off even more because they were supposed to be considerate and as such, I linked my ‘triumphs’ in school with rejecting all the rewards for the awards, like having the ‘luxury’ to refuse what others would actually want – quite a character as you can see, it’s a double positive construct that implies certain aspects at the ‘world system’ level and at individual level:

 

1. Not everyone can be equally rewarded in this system. In the example I’m walking here, not everyone was able to have a 1st place in class and as such, the ‘throne of honor’ could only be for 1.  I had once a friend telling me: hey, give me your notes (paper with all grades) and I’ll falsify them, show it to my parents so they can buy me all that I want. Which seemed utterly ‘wrong’ to me at that moment and within that begun valuing my ‘self worth’ only as ‘grades’ within school, which lead me to feel that ‘void’ that I have described many other times in relation to seeking to value myself beyond intelligence/ grades/ school etc. – all this consciousness character of knowledge and information that served for one single purpose: to stand as one extreme of a polarity construct of winning and losing which creates this sense of specialness and superiority while others have to end up on the polarity opposite, which I would then also ‘feel bad’ about.

 

2. Getting the positive kick out of ‘rejecting rewards’ and building an ego out of ‘I don’t require rewards to move, I do it for myself’ which was Only to a certain extent also, I mean I got really bothered then when my parents thought it was all because of them but I also did it to keep this self-belief toward others as always having everything right/ doing everything to the T. No flaws – and getting rewards for that, quite bizarre.

  • It is just like in our current celebrity system, wherein people that already have Loads of money get all the stuff for free, because of sponsoring some brand and name that will in return give money-rewards for the person that gifts them the reward of, for example, not having to pay for expensive clothes and items that they can just ‘wear around’ and create a big hype in it. They are not for ‘free’ they are just exhibition items that will in turn give lots of profit for the small cost of giving some gifts. Money calls more money as a blatant capitalist saying goes.

 

4. ‘Winning’ or being recognized for an ‘effort’ or ‘service’ or ‘achievement’ is truly only an acquired value system that is supposed to act as a motivation factor for people to excel, to be better, to be the employee of the month and so forth and don’t get me wrong, it’s cool that we push ourselves to be self responsible, however it should Not exist as part of this recognition/ laureate construct for doing something that should be as natural as drinking water, cooking our food, going to do your work and responsibilities = it is part of what Living is. Within this

  • We got the competition for the rewards and the multiple dimensions of hostility, vengeance, envy, jealousy that stem from everyone fighting to get the great carrot on the stick

 

Thus, how come we’ve gotten ourselves to this point? Yep, Greed, superiority and specialness are aspects that are highly desired within a human being’s experience at a mind level. We have all played a role in it of course and in my case if we take this example: representing the ‘highest score’ represented the ‘greatest reward’ and within this, one’s actual dedication and work is reduced to getting money to buy things that we believe will make us ‘happy’ and ‘content’ for a while without realizing that all our school years and all our lives we are trained to earn these rewards in the form of Money – for what? To buy our life, and continue seeking to get ‘more’ so that we can continue giving ourselves our own rewards that we become so used to, and we justify with the ever-present statement of ‘I worked for it, I earned it’ and in this, we lose complete focus or even insight on how everything that we buy is created, why have we placed certain values upon physical objects as ‘more’ than others to create these ‘precious items’ that only Some can afford or receive as gifts…

Smell the money-god here?

 

Spot the nonsense?

 

Will continue dissecting my polarity-construct with regards to ‘loathing rewards’ and the ambivalent self experience I’d create whenever Anyone would offer some rewards, which determined my relationship toward money that I am obviously only scraping the top off.

Leave you with the key aspect that enabled me to see this:

 

“Your physical labour life force – is for most part, Not Valued AT ALL; humans actually doing physical labour are valued Next-to-Nothing, while human beings doing Mental Labour – are Valued More: here, the REALITY, physicality is valued not at all, while the Mental/Illusion is valued most. So, Physical Force is denied, while Mental Force is Exalted. Which is Exactly what we do in/as our own Minds: Our Imagination/Illusion is Valued Most and so we give/pay MORE of our beingness/physicality to/as it, or shall we say Sacrifice More of our beingness/physicality to/as it. Instead of Investing our Beingness/Awareness into and as Physical Equal and One LIVING – which is not a process of a Payment, it’s a Stand of Realisation and of LIVING. This is Why we don’t LIVE in this physical existence, everything had been Valued according to more/less Reward for which you must PAY with PAY in fact being a SACRIFICE.” – Sunette Spies*

 

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About Marlen

I'm a human being that has decided to live by the principle of Life in Equality and place myself as a point of support for everyone that's willing to birth themselves as Life in this world. View all posts by Marlen

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