Negative Charge Self Forgiveness on the Word Reward based on the memory explained in the previous blog
- 279. My Ambivalent Relationship with Rewards
- 278. Judging what’s Best because not Everyone Can Have it
- 277. Finding it Hard to Accept Rewards
n noun a thing given in recognition of service, effort, or achievement. a fair return for good or bad behaviour. a sum offered for the detection of a criminal, the restoration of lost property, etc.
n verb give a reward to. show one’s appreciation of (an action or quality) by making a gift. Ø(be rewarded) receive what one deserves.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to identify the word ‘reward’ with a negative charge due to how I would get rewards from doing good in school and me believing that this was not honest from myself to accept such reward.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider that I could only stand as an honest person if I didn’t accept money as a reward for doing my responsibility, which was being a student at school.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to judge as dishonest to anyone else that I would witness would want to ‘win’ as in having good grades in school in order to ask their parents for all types of rewards, wherein I would place myself as superior and ‘beyond’ their desires of using their grades as a way to manipulate their parents to get stuff from doing good in school, which I judged as a conditional aspect that would make the person ‘less valuable’ in my mind, and less trust worthy and as such, attaching this values to myself wherein I would not want to be seen as greedy/ self-interested/ money driven for doing good in school, because that would make myself be ‘less than’ and equal to the people I would judge as self interested/ greedy, without realizing that regardless of me accepting or rejecting money, my existence and sustenance and stability was already fully dependent on Money.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to reject my father’s money as a reward because of equating his ‘care’ and ‘demonstration of support’ with money as a reward, wherein according to me all that I wanted was simply be recognized for my effort and that’s it, which is how I took pride on ‘not wanting money’ because I knew that it was for myself – however this was also only partially true as I realize that I would definitely care about what everyone else had to say about myself, my grades and maintaining a certain place in my class throughout my school years.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the construct of ‘good and bad’ in terms of reward wherein I accepted the fact that one would only obtain money if you were ‘good in school’ and how one would be punished if you were ‘bad in school,’ and as such, create an actual fear to not doing good in school and as such being scolded for it, which really only existed as an inherent fear within my mind because I was certainly not pushed to excel in school, but I became my own worst nightmare when it came to pushing myself to excel and ‘be the best’ and as such even be able to reject any form of reward from doing this effort as and for myself, which I see is only partially so.
I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize how even though I would want to reject the rewards and believing and saying ‘I don’t require it,’ I would in fact obviously have a cool time with the money obtained with buying things –within this, believing that with me rejecting rewards I was committing a ‘greater sacrifice’ according to myself, and my beliefs of ‘what is more worthy’ and ‘what is more honorable’ wherein in my mind I believed that: the more I reject reward, the more I earn props for my persona due to being seen as Not greedy and Not doing it for the rewards/ money and was such, not realizing that I was in fact creating a positive self-experience of superiority in comparison to others that I would just as money-interested, greedy and convenience-driven in order to move, which I judged as less than and with a sense of dishonor.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to create a relationship of sacrifice as a positive experience when rejecting reward, which would be similar to overcoming a form of ‘evil’ that I had considered money to be and as such, be considered as this ‘special person’ at the eyes of others for being ‘uninterested in money,’ which only now can I begin to see and realize what type of limitation this in fact means, because I didn’t develop a proper equal and one relationship and understanding toward money, but instead I created a relationship of rejection and through rejecting creating a positive experience, wherein as long as I was supported to live, the ‘extra rewards’ would be always accepted through the same experience of rejection and desire for the money.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a rejection toward the word ‘rewards’ seeing it as manipulative and a point of convenience that I could only get If I had certain positive outcome in school, which then made it fairly obvious how it was a process of giving a ‘prize’ for doing what I realized was my responsibility and in this
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to remain reacting toward the word reward from the memory of me having obtained rewards from doing good in school and as such, I realize that I am not unconditionally looking at the word reward, but instead imposing my experience of rejection toward rewards based on the memory with my father giving me money for doing good in school
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to link the word ‘Reward’ with money as a form of convenience, extra-support, preferential treatment, specialness, luxury that I have separated myself from based on the values that I accepted and allowed myself to define my reality through, wherein I see that we have all participated in the configuration and perpetuation of our current money system based on the beliefs of values in separation of ourselves as life, as physical equal beings.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place a Negative Charge upon my father’s action and moment of him giving me money/ giving away his money wherein I created a relationship of rejection and desire for the money in the following way
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place a negative charge toward receiving money from my father because of thinking that it is his hard earned money and I do not deserve to take it, because what I’ve done is only my responsibility – and within this, reject the money that he is giving me as a reward/gift/prize for the recognition of my school performance and in this, creating a negative experience in the moment of receiving money as if I simply was not worth it.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to generate a self-belief of myself being special and unique because I could turn money down, and define myself as ‘better than’ because of doing that, and specifically defining myself as a ‘good humble person’ in contrast to others that would be ‘glad’ to accept the money/ reward and enjoy it.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to create a compassionate experience when getting money because of realizing that not everyone was going to be able to obtain these rewards and how some others would get punished instead, wherein I became aware of how while I would get all the rewards and glory, others would have a really tough time and as such
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to link the experience of getting money/ rewards with an emotional experience of shame and guilt because of knowing that no one else would be as ‘rewarded’ as myself and as such ‘feel bad’ for others in the moment of receiving this reward wherein I began to ‘care more for others’ and their experience than myself, which became a pattern to justify not looking at myself first and actually accepting a reward as a single recognition that my parents wanted to give to me as an incentive to keep going, within this believing that ‘I don’t require an incentive,’ however, deep inside I would definitely care to be recognized and praised by my efforts in one way or another, which means that I was only wanting to present a self-belief experience of myself as ‘better than’ and ‘more than’ others based on being uninterested in money and paradoxically, valuing myself as superior by rejecting such value as money.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to link money to a negative charge because of realizing it is not a readily available item that we can all have, but instead, it is a ‘hardly earned thing’ that enables us to live and as such, learn to fear losing money, to fear earning money, to be lured into wanting more money and as such generate a fear of having ‘power’ as money in my hands.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to generate an emotional experience of rejection when receiving money due to believing that the other person is seriously sacrificing themselves to give me that money and as such, belittle myself in terms of being ‘worthy’ of such money.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to refuse getting rewards within a point of morality based on the linkage of rewards with money, and money linked with power that I was taking from someone realize and as such, I realize that I became evasive toward money because of ‘not earning it myself’ and as such feeling bad because I was ‘sucking someone else dry’ in favor of my own benefit, without realizing how the entire money system in fact works wherein all our money is currently the symbol of having the ability to abuse and exploit for our own lives to be ‘sustainable,’ not really looking at the actual cost of such ‘sustainability’ that is mostly defined through relationships of inequality where some are deliberately left behind so that they can become the work force that sustains a world-system that works only for those that have enough money to live.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to create my happiness point of being regarded as a non-superficial person by not being interested in money and as such, be regarded by others as a ‘genuinely responsible person’ because of not wanting to accept any form of reward from what I deemed was my responsibility – however
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to play an ambivalence within this point because I realize that this was the personality/ character that I wanted to be perceived as, as a genuine ‘good person’ that is ‘humble’ and is not interested in doing well in school just to get the money – however, once the money was there, I would play ‘humble’ for a moment and then accept the money while creating an experience of ‘I don’t deserve it’ so as to create this experience of belittlement and within this
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an experience of ‘I don’t deserve this’ and belittlement when receiving money in order for people to insist on give it to me and insist on me deserving it and as such, create a life-long pattern of expecting people to tell me what to do/ what is ‘ok’ to take and what is not instead of me just accepting something unconditionally when it is given to me unconditionally without fearing the ‘what will they think of me if I just take it’ –
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to reject rewards from the starting point of wanting to be seen as not vain and money-interested within the backchat of ‘I don’t require money to move myself’ wherein I wanted to be looked at as a genuinely humble and grounded person that isn’t responsible for the money/ rewards, without realizing how everything that I would do was possible because of money and as such only existing in this relationship of conflict toward ‘extra money’ without considering how the very fact that I was able to have an education, house, family, food, etc. was possible only because of money.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to maintain a self-belief of me not being interested in money and as such linking this idea to me being ‘more pure’ and ‘more genuine’ than the rest of people and as such, generating a self-belief of being more ‘honest’ and ‘trust worthy’ because I would not do something just because of the reward, however, once that I was aware of what the reward would enable me to buy/ consume, I would want to keep my façade in place of ‘not wanting the reward,’ while at the same time decide to take the money and enjoy what I would buy with it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imprint an experience of shame and embarrassment when receiving extra money or payment money wherein I believe that I should stick to getting no money at all for what I do, as I do it as an extension of my self-expression. However I realize that in this world, we have not yet equalized our expression as mutual and equal support – thus, money is necessary and me creating an experience toward money as something that I reject receiving, is rejecting my ability to instead equalize myself to money and use it to continue supporting myself to obviously establish a world system wherein no one will ever again have to go through this polarity experiences toward money as a point of desire and rejection based on looking at the values that we’ve given to money, and how hard it is to currently make ‘extra’ money.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a polarity conflict of want and rejection toward money based on me wanting to preserve a positive self-experience of ‘not being interested in money’ while at the same time, desiring the money because of what I could buy with it and enjoy.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as ‘better than/ superior’ than anyone else that would only do their job/ responsibilities because of the reward, and within this creating a superiority point of me ‘not requiring rewards to move’ and as such, value myself as ‘more than others’ while at the same time creating a relationship of rejection toward money as something that ‘I did not want to corrupt myself with.’ —- oh!
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to link the word reward to corruption because of believing that one should not be ‘lured’/corrupted in order to do one’s responsibilities, but instead, should be self-motivated, without realizing that even the responsibilities that I would carry out ‘without interest,’ were in fact stemming from the desire to create a positive/ superiority idea of myself and as such, I see and realize that I haven’t been genuine in my self-proclaimed austerity/detachment/ indifference toward money, as I also participated in the superiority construct of self-value in my mind as ‘better than everyone else’ because of not being moved to ‘win’ but simply do what I had to do.
When and as I see myself creating a negative experience of rejection/ shame/ embarrassment as self judgment when receiving money/ rewards as an outcome of my own work, I stop and I breathe – I direct myself to realize it is just money that I require currently to be able to live and keep moving myself and such, I stabilize my relationship with money, to no longer belittle myself to it or make myself ‘superior’ for rejecting money within a positivity construct.
I realize that inequality exists as the set of values and concepts in our mind as words that we haven’t lived physically yet, because if that was the case, we would not be dwelling with poverty, scarcity, hunger and a general lack and disparity, because we would all be recognizing each other as an equal part of ourselves, in equality, extending the ‘me’ to an us and as such realize that we cannot allow one more part of such me starve to death due to us continuing this game of money/reward and lack/austerity. Thus, this is a process to establish self awareness in all aspects till we all can equally agree that the current way of how this world system is being directed/ misdirected is not sustainable, and how we have to step out of our characters in order to establish common sense which is money equally supporting all living beings
I realize that we have only made of rewards a point of conflict within ourselves based on how our current economic system works, which can be redefined in order to support everyone equally and as such, no more differentiation and separation as a guilt/ remorse experience for having money when others don’t have any/ when others are not equally able to be rewarded because of not having the skills/ opportunities to even be in such a position of ‘competing’ in the world to get rewards.
I realize that I created a polarity relationship toward rewards based on the morality construct of me wanting to be seen/ regarded as someone that is not self interested and as such, earn ‘props for my ego’ which is also part of the idea-belief of myself as ‘more’ than others that I would judge as dishonest and greedy, within this not realizing how within me wanting to be ‘more’ than others through being ‘more honest,’ I was already participating in the separation of myself through valuing myself according to others in constructs created and shaped by the existence of money as a value over life.
Thus, I see, realize and understand that my inner conflict with rewards only exists because I have allowed myself to believe that someone that refuses rewards is ‘more’ than those that only work for the rewards, without realizing that we can redefine rewards as a single outcome of our equal and one participation in a system wherein there are no ‘extra’ points other than the direct outcome of our mutual support wherein equal profit obtained through our labor is what signifies a physical giving and receiving in Equality, available for all that understand how a reward is no longer an extra value/ extra giving as a form of specialness, but it is a recognition of each other as equals.
I realize that such statement of ‘I don’t require money/ rewards to move myself’ is in fact an ego-driven statement, because I definitely realize how everything that we are is currently moved and possible because of money and how money words within our current system – hence I realize that this relationship of rejection to money existed because of learning how money was not something that ‘grew out of trees’ even if the pater is from tress, but it had to be ‘earned through hard work’ and such linking money to being someone’s suffering that I could not accept as a reward, because of wanting to be seen as a ‘good person’ that does not require such earned-through-‘’hard work money because it would make me subject to the giver of such money in a relationship of self-interest instead of genuine appreciation for our efforts.
I realize that I refused money in self interest to keep a certain idea/ belief of myself as being ‘right’ and ‘better than’ everyone else that would immediately be moved by money, do everything for money which I judged as sleazy and degenerative. In this, only really caring about the ‘who I am’ toward money, creating a polarity relationship toward money as refusing and desiring at the same time, wherein I learned how to view money as this valuable object that I should not ‘sell myself’ for, not understanding that I was already only alive due to my parents having enough money to support me to live, because that’s the current condition we’ve placed in this world wherein I depend on others to live, because they are the only ones able to make money and as such, take for granted our lives and created a limiting system wherein we can only value what has a number/price on it, forgetting everything about ourselves as human beings that are able to live in self-honesty without requiring to be moved by some form of ‘reward’ to do the best of ourselves in all our activities and areas of expression in our day to day living.
I realize that we have become too used to this reward system that, the same as with money, we have to instead redefine money in its core functioning and as such, rewards will also not be incentives to move promoting a winning-losing situation in schools, but instead understand the basic law of giving and receiving: when we give, we allow ourselves to receive equally as a physical in-breath and out-breath to ensure that all parts are equally supported, which is physical common sense.
I realize that I require to equalize myself to money and the word reward as an equal and one giving and receiving aspect that is not signifying a ‘moreness’ but rather a receiving that is an automatic outflow when setting up ourselves within a system where everyone can be benefitted with having access to all the resources and services that make our lives be comfortable and dignified, wherein no one else would have to ‘compete’ in school for the sake of getting the best job/ earning the most money in one’s adulthood, but instead focus on actually developing skills not based on survival but true self-expression and exploration of our abilities once that money is not used as a motivator to excel, but simply as a given right to regulate our equal and living system which is what Equal Money Capitalism presents.
I realize that seeking austerity has become a consequence of me having created this relationship toward money wherein it has not been a self directive decision but instead to keep this personality of ‘good/ benevolent uninterested in money person’ that lives in an austere manner as proof of ‘me not caring much about money,’ which in fact means that I am not really giving what’s best for myself due to this conditioning and pattern – which is not acceptable because If I am standing for and As what’s best for all, I have to live it as myself in order to stand as the example of how we can practically move ourselves to make of money a Tool that enables a dignified living for all, instead of just focusing on maintaining my rejection/ desire self-interest relationship toward money.
I realize that this belief of austerity being benevolent is in fact self abuse and as such, I realize that it is only my own brainwashing that has accepted limitation as a ‘dignified living’ which it is certainly not, as I see and realize that I would not want to remain living the way that I’ve ‘chosen’ to live just to prove that I am not ‘interested in money, ‘and instead
I commit myself to equalize my relationship to money, to ensure that I in fact first live ‘what’s best for myself as what’s best for all’ within the understanding that accepting anything less than what I realize we are capable and able to give ourselves is self-abuse and self-diminishing. Instead, we have to redefine what dignified living is wherein it does not mean ‘having more than others’ but having the necessary to live well, with comfort, general services, food, water, quality products that enables us to enjoy life without harming and annihilating the environment.
I commit myself to continue redefining my relationship to rewards and money as I see and realize that the way I have been living up to now has been a process of self manipulation as an ego that ‘rejects money’ to praise myself as superior than others, not realizing that in this belief of self-sacrifice I am in fact not honoring myself and not living to my fullest potential in all areas of my life, and I realize that self-value as Equality must be absolute, no hidden specialness with regards to money and within this
I commit myself to realize and live the understanding that it is only through equalizing myself to money that I can in fact be self directive with it, because within rejection and desire we are still moved by our mind – instead we look at money as possibilities for expansion, to continue supporting ourselves to demonstrate what is possible when we work together to establish a fair equality system, where actual enjoyment of life and responsibilities won’t be opposed or be against one another, but instead stand as a giving and receiving in Equality.
I commit myself to live the realization that austerity measures in this world system are a justification to abuse and neglect life to be equally supported, which is unacceptable. Thus I stop living this ‘austerity measure’ as a deliberate self-diminishing and rejection toward money which his only a character that is not self supportive and that is in fact just another side of elitism, since I have the ability to ‘reject’ money that is ‘extra’ because I have enough to live – but I see and realize that this is not an option for many and that the majority is certainly screaming for us to stop looking at things as ‘power’ and ‘control’ but instead regard the actual lives that we are abusing just to keep our ‘deficits’ in place, which is unacceptable.
We are absolutely capable of living in a system wherein we can support each other as equals – austerity measures can only be an outflow of a deliberate unbalance upon which our current system is functioning. Therefore, we require to first equalize ourselves and our relationship to money and as such, understand what type of beliefs/ constructs we’ve accepted to limit ourselves and our capacity/ ability to live in dignity.
“Your physical labour life force – is for most part, Not Valued AT ALL; humans actually doing physical labour are valued Next-to-Nothing, while human beings doing Mental Labour – are Valued More: here, the REALITY, physicality is valued not at all, while the Mental/Illusion is valued most. So, Physical Force is denied, while Mental Force is Exalted. Which is Exactly what we do in/as our own Minds: Our Imagination/Illusion is Valued Most and so we give/pay MORE of our beingness/physicality to/as it, or shall we say Sacrifice More of our beingness/physicality to/as it. Instead of Investing our Beingness/Awareness into and as Physical Equal and One LIVING – which is not a process of a Payment, it’s a Stand of Realisation and of LIVING. This is Why we don’t LIVE in this physical existence, everything had been Valued according to more/less Reward for which you must PAY with PAY in fact being a SACRIFICE.” – Sunette Spies*
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