Here I share some practical steps to consider whenever this particular experience of feeling left out, feeling like not belonging, feeling like one is being judged by others in a particular group or environment, or that one is the ‘odd one sticking out’ etc.
If you’d like to have more context as to how I walked this point of ‘the outcast’ you can read the whole story I wrote some years ago of how I experienced this here: ‘The Outcast’: self-imposed tag
Whenever you feel like there is no ‘room’ for you somewhere, as if you simply were being ignored by others or deliberately ‘left out’ – first point is to clear oneself from these perceptions, always realizing that these are perceptions created in one’s own mind, therefore: they are not in fact real. We make them real when living out this self-rejection in fact, which means these thoughts make us want to keep quiet, remain isolated and deliberately not interacting with others, because we are in fact very occupied in our own minds building up the feeling of being the outsider, the outcast. Funny, isn’t it? We actually create our own experience and feed it through thinking. And what I’ve noticed is that if we wait for someone asking us directly to ‘come and share’ or ‘speak’ or ‘join in’ it will not happen that often
Instead of continuing churning the outcast character in the head, take a breath, and make a very physical and decisive step to Participate which practically means: take part in/ be a part of. How? Speak, write, let yourself be read/heard and so known. We often make the mistake of waiting for the right moment to share some perspective or point of view or simply to start the very basic point of communicating, which is also a decision one makes to interact with someone else.
Throughout these first steps, it is likely that some voices in the head of being disliked or not being welcomed, or ‘no one asking for your participation’ to come up. In this: keep on reminding yourself of these being words that one has most likely created over a long period of time in our heads, therefore they are not ‘what people really think’ or are at all disclosing the reality of the situation, they are entirely our own creation, therefore we can stop participating ‘up there’ and rather continue the physical process of writing, speaking, sharing oneself with others.
Also important to note that it is not like these judgments will go ‘easily’ or ‘go away forever’ with just stopping them once. Nope. We have trained ourselves in our minds to continually have ‘something to say’ as in some kind of judgment, fear that turns into an anxiety, an insecurity, a bunch of questions about ‘others’ and how they relate to us. But two things are certain: one is that these experiences have been ‘recorded’ in our mind, therefore are self created and as such we can stop participating in them; and the other point is that whatever anyone else holds as a judgment, perception, idea, belief about oneself or others, it is also entirely their creation and so their point of responsibility. This assisted me a lot to take whatever judgments or criticisms for what they are: mind perceptions that have no impact or ‘value’ toward myself, because I have by now gotten to know what I am, what I am not which means: I cannot allow another’s words to define me. Of course unless it is not a judgment and someone is giving some kind of feedback about myself that I could take into consideration as a point of self support, but that is then just that: constructive criticism that one can look further within oneself to see what can we learn from it.
Another point that was ‘hard to admit’ at the time is how my own ‘outcastism’ was in fact a point of superiority, waiting for people to specifically ‘ask me’ for something or ‘focus on me only’ or ‘pay only attention to me’ which is quite ludicrous because in this I am in no way being a ‘fair player’ in the interaction, but in fact demanding some special attention and care. Is this self-honest as in really applying the principle of equality where one realizes that no matter ‘who’ is speaking to, ‘where’ one is at, we are all ultimately equal at that level of humanity, therefore there is Always something that connects us, something we can talk about and relate to, just by the fact that we have the ability to communicate between each other as species. It is funny how many times we forget about this and create a wall of judgments between each other that divides us, when these ‘walls’ are in fact invisible, self created and so ‘the wall’ can be self-demolished in one single moment where one makes the directive decision of ‘I am here, I participate, I share myself, I communicate, I unconditionally become part of the moment/discussion/interaction with others. And so, what I noticed is that it feels like taking a dive into a pool where one knows it will be a bit cold, might be a bit of a fright initially, but it gets better once you are actually doing it. This in fact applies to many other things we usually fear to do.
So linked to this, in my case I had to become aware of not stepping on my ‘high horse’ and believing I could only communicate or be friends with or interact with people that were ‘at my same level’ in whatever I defined ‘that level’ to be. Therefore this means the ability to be humble and unconditional when giving these first steps of interaction. What do these words mean? Being able to talk to others or approach a point of communication without having a particular ‘agenda’ behind, a particular intent or point of personal interest that could be already ‘clouding’ one’s ability to be clear in what we want to say. This personal interest also includes those judgments where we are Only considering oneself, as if everything revolved around ‘me’ only, when in fact what I’ve found is the best way to initiate any interaction and virtually be able to approach any person and talk to them is by being very stable and quiet in oneself, and sticking to the moment: not having any ‘desire’ – therefore unconditional – behind the communication other than making it a clear decision to speak, share, communicate, write yourself in an interaction with another, scheduling meet ups with others etc.
These are some considerations where the focus is on the ‘what to do’ or what kind of words can one live to get out of the ‘outcast’ experience and instead ‘cast’ oneself to participate in the communication and interactions with others.
No need to ever desire to ‘be a part of’ because we are Already a part of this world, everything and everyone here. It is more like realizing that no one else is supposed to ‘make space for you’ or tell you that ‘you belong’ because that only creates an idea or experience, when in fact, there is no need for that. I’d rather suggest realizing that I am here, therefore I am part of life and this world, therefore I accept myself as that part that I am in this life and take part in co-creation by establishing communication, contact with others.
There is nothing more fulfilling in fact than deciding to step out of one’s shell and connecting with people. Nowadays, there is no excuse really because we live in the ‘era of communication’ and it is frankly a bit absurd that the ‘internet era’ and generations could become more isolated behind the gadgets that are supposed to unite us. Time to use them to do just that: to connect with each other, to share, to speak up, to unconditionally let others know who we are and what we are up to in this life, no need for ‘special’ experiences or hidden agendas in this, but rather taking it as a statement of honoring that part of life that we are and the space that we breathe as part of life, of everything that is here.
And so, because we can all learn from each other, let me know your feedback if you do apply some of these points and how you find out they work out for you. These are only some aspects I’ve applied – and continue to apply – myself whenever the ‘outcast’ or ‘feeling left out’ experience creeps in, then I decisively step in and ‘let me share me’ – lol. So, I share also the links from others that have been sharing about this topic as well, which is great because it broadens our awareness on how this particular ‘mindset’ can exist and develop within ourselves.
Recommend to read/listen to them:
Day 1100: Outsider
How does it work? Fostering a connection with someone
Outsiders – day 695
Day 577 – Do I not belong?
Day 39 – Feeling Like an Outcast
Life Review – The Outsider
Best to stop the ‘self imposed’ tag as an ‘outsider’ and instead ‘cast’ oneself into taking part of living and connecting, communicating, relating to others which is also the way we can learn so much more about ourselves, which would not be possible if one deliberately isolates oneself.
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June 24th, 2016 at 4:49 am
[…] 437. What to Do when Feeling like an Outcast? […]