442. Back To Self: My Current Story

Today I’d like to share some things that I have been realizing for quite some time in relation to the process I’ve walked thus far in terms of, to put it simply, focusing a lot more on what’s happening ‘out there’ as the world, the problems outside of us, investigating and educating myself on how the systems in this world work and who we are as individuals within it all. I’ve spent a fair amount of time researching solutions, alternatives, groups, information, talking to people promoting and creating these solutions, a lot of it having to do with me having this drive to ‘find some way, somehow, to create a solution for humanity, for all the reasons we all know of course.

Here I begin by stating how I see that this is a relevant thing to do for each of us as human beings, to really put our time and effort to learn, educate ourselves on things one won’t ever get taught in schools/universities, like in my case even now getting to know that the people that were set as these ‘great figures’ in literature and art have been essential individuals in precisely creating and configuring also many of the cultural – excuse the word – fuckups we are living in right now, to place it mildly as mind control and behavioral entrainment. This is just one example based on what I studied in school only, though the same applies for all things related to politics, economy, sociology, culture, entertainment, sports… the list goes on, everywhere one can spot the exact same patterns ‘polluting’ the expression of something that we all could be living in this world if we were entirely self-aware and self-directive individuals.

Well, I just made the whole story short right there. For a long time I considered the focus on the ‘internal change’ as something of less importance or rather considering that some were ‘petty’ things or ‘meaningless’ when comparing them to and considering the ‘greater things’ that I conceived to be more relevant in (my) life, like un-convering the truths about money or getting to know who is who in the world of corporate ruling, the ins and outs of corruption in politics and so forth… again I still don’t see this as entirely irrelevant either, but I do see that in my mind I definitely had placed more emphasis on that ‘side’ a lot more while seeing ‘who I am within it,’ but at the same time also expecting that if any ‘real’ solution would emerge in this world, it would be implemented through a new money system, new political system, something ‘new’ or improved version of our current reality imposed ‘from the outside’ which is kind of funny now to see it that way – but hey, it takes also time/space to get to this understanding – of how essentially the world outside of ourselves is as fucked up as each one of us inside is. Surely, won’t apologize for the big words, because that is the stark reality of things in this world. I noticed time and time again whenever one uncovers any ‘solution’ or ‘alternative’ of some kind, or even general information on understanding ‘the problems’ of the world, the same old patterns of blaming some ‘they/them’  arise everywhere, placing this finger onto some kind of greedy/elitist/oligarchy and royal creators of the fuckup – not ever seeing any ‘me’ included in all of that information – and essentially also seeing how getting a little too much information creates this separate entity where one becomes maybe a bit too ‘knowledgeable’ about things, but, how much of it can one directly apply in one’s life today to make our day to day living better? And here I’m talking about very basic considerations like the way we relate with people in our environment, our decisions in what we eat, how we care for our bodies, how we communicate with others…. Etc. Simple ‘day to day’ stuff.

I can only say that through understanding the problems, one can also spot and trace the solutions as I have shared some of that throughout the years in these blogs that were also more related to the world ‘out there’ and I’m grateful that I’ve walked that point too. But more so than ever now, right now,  I am convinced that as much as it is important to continue seeing what changes happen ‘out there’ in politics or economics and so forth, as long as the self, the I, the ‘me’ in all human creations and equations is not changed = nothing will ever truly really change.

I gave to someone the example of how sometimes we focus so much on creating this super nice system ‘out there’ that is like a brand new pair of shoes, very nicely brushed and polished and brand new laces ready to be placed on a pair of feet. But, if that pair of feet has grown completely crooked because of having had an entire lifetime of having no shoes, shifting more to an enlarged proportion because of not ever having such structure – or being somewhat crooked for having no specific support while developing/growth process – then, fitting such shoes will be quite a push, a conflictive situation most likely because as a saying goes in Spanish ‘a  la fuerza ni los zapatos entran’ which means with force, not even the shoes really fit. This brings back to the point of how I was probably expecting this greatly aligned structure or societal system that could suddenly be voted on and implemented to just get ourselves to a ‘better place’ as humanity, surely not as a magic fix but as a starting point… I still can keep this idea as a nice hope if anything, but time and time again and upon seeing the actual process of time/space any change takes, I’ve decided to conclude that of course this won’t happen in my lifetime most likely and even if it does, I’m sure as hell there will be LOTS of work to do to focus on the self, the ‘personal education’ if you want to call it that which is essentially learning how to live as a real human-kindness.

On another aspect upon being myself part of a group and organization that is aiming at doing this at the best way of our ability, it is equally challenging when having the same principles or considerations to entirely put aside any personal patterns/limitations toward one another and individually to make something work, this is just the reality of things and it takes real effort and support from each other to keep standing and walking together, takes a real empathy and consideration each one of us to do so.  At the same time, I’ve seen how some great ideas, groups, political and social movements, associations for world change eventually stumble upon problems, obstacles, inner fights and struggles due to – mostly – personal egos clashing, differences between one another, power trips, greed, righteousness, individualism, resentments, comparisons, envies, control-freakism …. The list really does not end here. Some other problems are not all ‘negative’ but also implying ‘lacks’ like lack of trust with other human beings to create and develop something, lack of proper communication, lack of commitment, lack of considering responsibility in long term, lack of self-respect, lack of care, lack of humbleness, lack of motivation…. And the list also goes on.

So, throughout these past months and upon reflecting this, I realize that we definitely got a massive task at hand when it comes to considering ‘change’ in humanity and this world, and that is precisely starting within ourselves. I have been time and time again investigating things, seeing potentials and then only later on finding out the ‘nitty gritty’ details of some personal dispute in an organization, a lack of commitment, greed, self-sabotage, plain anger, depression, desire for only getting a pleasurable lifestyle being some of the obstacles to make something really work. And this was actually quite cool to see and realize, in spite of what it means in terms of ‘things not working out’, because I then saw how those organizations and solutions that truly work ‘to the T,’ are those that are currently running most of the ways in the world, and every person motivated there is being so because of money, huge profits, huge benefits, ‘great lifestyles’, power, control… yet when something truly implies working on an almost volunteer basis or simply doing what could be considered as ‘giving your time’ to something that is not immediately pleasurable or ‘nice’ in experiential value, it mostly doesn’t work because we simply haven’t learned to prioritize what really matters to be and do in our world.

So, this is how I saw the need to shift my focus and attention Back To Self, back to the very patterns at a mind level which of course become behaviors, patterns, ‘ways’ in which we interact with others and ‘who we are’ within ourselves that is really THE point that we have to turn our heads back to focus on. I enjoy having discussions with my partner about this/that system or solution or proposal here/there that could apparently ‘sort out the world’  and how eventually making it work would really, truly, depend on each one of us to make it work, to live according to the principles intended to be lived/applied in some of these solutions.  Time and time again we just end up saying the exact same words of ‘the lack of self honesty ruins this/that’ or ‘really, it all goes back to ourselves again’ ‘it’s about human nature change!’ or ‘any system will only be as good as the people in it’ wherein it IS human nature that – from my perspective and after all of these years of looking mostly ‘outside’ of myself and creating a form of ‘hope’ in that – we should focus on changing: ourselves.

Remember that saying of ‘be the change you want to see in this world?’ I consider I didn’t entirely get it before, I was more like considering it as in ‘investigate all that you can to find the solution out there, do your part in it!’ which surely, again, it’s cool and honorable as well to care at that level… but over and over again I see the lack of common sensical considerations which are embedded in principles like doing and considering what is best for everyone, considering everyone as equals in living substance, doing, sharing, assisting others as I would like to be shared with, assisted with and done unto, loving/caring for others as I am learning to love/care for myself, to develop effective relationships with those that are in our immediacy, learning how to be a supportive parent, to learn how to become a better person that stands with self-awareness, integrity, self-respect, self-care, self-honesty, dedication, commitment, discipline, humbleness, perseverance and a great determination to truly become an example in this world of what it means to become a living breathing human being.

These are truly ‘great words’ and I surely got a long way to get these words lived as ‘who I am’ meaning as the new ‘nature of me’ I am willing to create for myself – but I will say it until I give my last breath as I learned also from Bernard Poolman: unless we focus on ourselves, to align every bit of our being to stop the ‘sabotage’ or ‘mind patterns’ that exist within us that we reflect on the nature of ‘the outside’ as world system: nothing will ever change. Here it can sound too ‘radical’ for some, but I rather share it than keep it ‘brewing’ in my insides. I rather leave it here as a declaration and statement of where I stand, what I am mostly interested on and so focused on, having in a way gone all around just to get back to this core point, which is cool because now it stands as a proven fact, nor only a statement or theory I got.

Here I’ve also taken my time to write this out because I’ve been deliberately almost wanting to ‘prove myself wrong’ in such declaration, in the sense of wanting to actually find something that truly works because every person is in fact embodying the principles and alignments that are intended as a form of solution or aid for the world. It is hard to find one, dare I say it is non-existent as of yet. Why? Because it is only fairly recently that we have ‘woken up’ from the slumber of being these programs running around seeking self-interest only and caring little to nothing about ‘the world out there’, dare I say even question the kind of ‘motivations’ we use to wake up every day. And even if there’s been people that have spent their lives trying to make a change or have lived in a principled and considerate manner for their entire lives – just as it happened with Jesus – just ‘listening to them’ and seeing how ‘nice’ it all sounds does nothing, because unless one actively ‘gets the point’ and commits to be that living change within oneself, it all becomes futile when it comes to creating a great impact ‘out there’ for a greater change.

Here also I reflect on how it’s a bit funny when I look back at how I wanted to see this kind of change in some form of ‘same movement’ or ‘en masse’ in some kind of sudden and empowering life changing event, lol. Nope! Most likely won’t ever happen like that. Instead it will be this individual process of actual evolution/revolution/change if you will, where each one that decides to ‘get the point’ of what it means to ‘be the change in the world’ will genuinely be and live so by substantiating our day to day lives with words, attitudes, behaviors, ‘ways of being’ toward ourselves and others and everything that we do in a way that we go day by day becoming a better person, in the considerations of the principles mentioned above. This way, I am quite certain, we can truly change the world. Because the more and more people realize what kind of atrocities exist within our minds, in our personal relationships with those around us – yes, those that we are supposed to ‘care for and love for’ but might be struggling to have a decent communication with – are in fact THE problems to focus on and sort out first of all, if we are to ever create a healthy path and way for the coming generations to step in a more self-responsible type of culture and society in general.

What I also like about this approach is that you don’t need to have a particular ‘affiliation’ with anything either, unless you can/want to do so, but it is simply a set of principles and considerations that one can live and apply no matter where you are in the world, how alone or how accompanied you live, what ideologies you may have, what systems or projects you might be involved in = doesn’t matter! These are all universal considerations so that no matter ‘what’ or ‘where’ one is, one can apply these points and be part of the change in this world, just by deciding to make some changes in one’s life and actually doing so.

In this I’ve also proven that one can understand many things about the world out there, trace all problems back to money, which is really the way we have created, accepted and allowed money to exist and behind it lies the rest of the human ways that are in fact the root and cause of the problems in this world, and that is where I realize time and time again the focus should be on as well and in this, doesn’t matter how well one can understand the theory: if we are not really seeing within ourselves the ‘qualities’ that we’ve given to money itself, if we are not seeing ourselves as the origin of the problem and so realizing ourselves as the origin of the solution = it will be quite hard to get us all to the ‘next step’ for this process of self-responsible living change, which is really not only a matter of intellectually realizing it and getting an ‘aha’ realization, it’s an actual challenging day to day ‘doing’ which is where the ‘proof of the pudding’ is… knowing the ingredients and ‘way to make’ is one thing, surely important part but! What matters is really the ‘making’ of it.

It’s good to get informed, get to know the intricacies of our reality, get to know essentially what one has accepted and allowed without any awareness, and to continue to be aware of the actual purposes of most of the stuff we get to see on ‘mainstream’ waves and in our common realities – but I’d recommend to also at the same time do the personal self-check of always tracing those points/patterns that lead to a general human/systemic sabotage back to self, whether they are greed, deception/lies, self-interest, self-indulgence, perversion, dishonesty, laziness, racism, a slave mentality, doing the least effort, seeking personal satisfaction only, despotism, selfishness, fighting, punishing, keeping grudges, comparing…. Etc. all of these points can be traced ‘back to self’ and see well where do I stand in relation to all of these principles, how can I truly stand as a self-responsible individual, how can I also learn to actually live, how can I expand and grow as a person and assist others in doing the same? And when looking at this, I can say that I’ve barely started, which is great! Because then it is all pointed back to myself, I have the key to change these aspects for me by me and within me no matter ‘where I am’ in the world, or ‘what I do’ – this is about changing the nature of who I am in my own personal work, my own day to day living wherein every moment is either an opportunity to change, live and prove a way to better oneself, to become creative in simple things in our lives – or it becomes another day of re-living the past, the tormented mind, the depression, the ‘struggle’ and or the ‘hopeful’ and self-saboteur  character expecting something/somehow to suddenly – faithfully, hopefully – fix the world?

 

For now where I stand is actually probably for the first time in this entire self-support process, focusing more on the ‘me’ here, the ‘little things’ in myself and my personal life and in doing this also extending it to whoever I can and am able to, doing as I would like to be done unto.

For example, I can say I am for the first time developing a supportive relationship. Sounds simple, for some might sound as too selfish or self-interested or losing ‘ground’ when it comes to my previous approach also to this blog, which are in fact my own thoughts of the past too in considering ‘there are more relevant things in life than my petty life’ but! I’ve proven myself wrong: the more I focused on the ‘outside’ or what I perceived as ‘greater’ or perceived ‘more important things’ the more I escaped or avoided myself from looking within and actually facing oneself in a situation such as a relationship where a LOT of patterns, behaviors, selfishness, righteousness, greed, emotional reactions, forms of control can come up and emerge to be faced within oneself, which can either become a nightmare or a ‘blessing’, depending of where one is in one’s personal process as well. And here again tracing the line back to how these same ‘ingrained ways’ have become the ways/methods and the nature of the ‘systems’ that we are currently accepting and allowing ourselves to be ruled and governed by in the outside, well why? Of course because they are human creations! J

I am entirely willing to walk this point and for first time learn to trust myself in a relationship for example, for the first time be willing to challenge ‘my ways’ – which oh boy are they ‘ingrained’ and in all little subtleties or seemingly ‘menial’ things that us human beings tend to simply little by little ‘brush aside’ to focus on ‘the greater’ – and dare to embrace another person in my life and what that in fact means in a dedicated manner.  And this extends to other areas like focusing on developing a supportive relationship with my body, with the people around me, my family, to give the best of myself in my work and the support I can provide to others, to commit to apply myself even in the most ‘routinely’ moments that we don’t question much yet reveal a lot of ‘what is ruling inside us’ as well, to not give into the least effort, but to genuinely see what expression of myself do I want to create today that is beneficial for me and so others as well.

 

Someone may consider or say I am missing the point of walking both points simultaneously, within and without, and surely that’s a great approach, but It would be mostly awesome if that ‘within’ approach is equally emphasized as the outside process that sometimes, might be perceived as the only point that needs change or as a ‘short cut’ for self or personal change, which I consider it will be really difficult to happen unless! It happens and I am entirely proven wrong, which would be actually very awesome at the same time and then I would be able to expand my current perspective. But for now, I simply share here how we/us human beings can end up wrecking up the smartest and best solutions that can exist as a plan/project or ‘on paper’ idea due to not having been in fact living the actual principles embedded within these beneficial ideas… so I place back the finger to us and our human nature to focus on.   

The single decision to do personal changes in our day to day whether it is a particular experience of fears, depressions, anguish, blame, discomfort in ‘one’s own skin’ that one might be facing, an addiction, a lack of will to care for one’s body, a disregard for another in our lives, a ‘bad relationship’ … just by taking this one point and walking it through to a point of change and alignment to what is best for all might take some time, can’t tell ‘how long’ but who cares really!? It is a matter of self-respect to decide to do so, it is the decision to do so and live such decision that which matters the most from my perspective, to not only ‘try’ and give up next day, but actually ‘doing it’ fully with the whole intent of truly becoming ‘a new person’ that can then be the example, the ‘first stone in the flesh’ of creating a new society, a new world where everyone is truly caring and loving each other.

It is for those genuine decisions to gather courage to face the real ‘evil’ within oneself, to get out of one’s comfort zone and commit oneself to change, to focus on ‘bettering oneself’ or ‘working on oneself,’ being diligent in letting go of one’s ‘mind patterns’ or ‘ego’ – for a lack of better word – that I actually take my hat off for, because this is what takes the actual courage and most challenging situations to do, where the actual day to day and moment to moment ‘tests’ exist that truly can change our ‘wood’ so to speak, the nature of what ‘we’re made of’ and have been up to now if we decide so. Doing this would, as a result, be reflected in the world we create, which at the moment and how we stand as ‘creators of our reality’ I am sure you also consider it is a disgrace and a shame to call ourselves the creators of it all.

So, to no longer wallow in all that we know is ‘wrong’ out there and all the corruption, greed and torturous nature of the system out there… I rather ask each one of us to take the finger of blame, anger, discord, apathy and vengefulness back to self and this is where I see that we can all, together, without exception – one by one – genuinely discover all the potential we hold within ourselves, if we just dare to truly focus on ourselves to ‘be the change that we want to see in this world.’

 

Thanks for reading

 

Artwork019

 

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About Marlen

I'm a human being that has decided to live by the principle of Life in Equality and place myself as a point of support for everyone that's willing to birth themselves as Life in this world. View all posts by Marlen

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