§ Continuing from: 530. The Secret Behind Attraction
These two words expression go hand in hand and I’ve seen that in my case, they are also a result of me first sorting out any point that is creating noise within me and so discomfort in my body. Speaking of which, I just watched today a very cool SOUL video on this topic which is recommendable for everyone to listen to because it is something we all can relate to regardless – it’s about who we are in our body and developing a sense of it and linking it to ‘what goes up in our minds’ or experiences, so here it is: How Are You In Your Body?. This aspect of comfort I’ll also get to in blogs to come since it is something that I’ve outlined in this series of words to ‘look back into myself’ in relation to that point of attraction from which this blog series is stemming from, and I defined it ‘comfort in one’s own skin’ which is the same as being comfortable in our bodies and what I consider is having a relaxed expression as an outflow of self-acceptance and self-appreciation.
However here I’ll focus on Self-Enjoyment and Self-Expression in the context of not having any trigger going on in my reality to enjoy and express myself – meaning not doing it ‘for someone else’ or within a particular context where there’s more people involved, but getting to the core of who I am within myself as these words alone.
This is again reflecting a bit on the original point of ‘attraction’ created towards another in relation to this point of self-enjoyment I perceived in them, wherein I cannot really tell ‘who they are’ in relation to self-expression while being alone/with themselves, because all that I’ve seen and known of them is based on interviews, documentaries which means there’s always an interaction of sorts with other people recording the interaction, in essence it can be also a ‘show’ towards others – however the words are here for me to look at in both contexts.
One thing I am certain is that I definitely can enjoy communication with others, it can be either through a chat or video chat or in real time, I appreciate a bit more the real time ones because of being in a particular environment with the people face to face, I consider that there’s really something about being in the presence of others that makes it very real – but it is still a perception because I can still communicate in the rest of the ways and enjoy myself as well.
However here I want to focus more on ‘who I am’ as self-expression and self-enjoyment within myself, alone. This opens up the possibility for me to fine tune this point of self-expression in relation to what I decide to live in every moment of my life, as a set of decisions, choices, doings that I do for myself, as myself – hence the word expression where there’s no ‘separate motivation’ behind it, but entirely doing it as myself. Now this I have gotten to integrate to a certain extent in who I am, doing things as an expression of me, however! When it comes to ‘me time’ or personal time and self-enjoyment that’s where I want to really look into.
Self Enjoyment is easier to express when doing something where I am particularly being productive, being of assistance to others or when I go for a walk and there’s that ‘perfect weather’ like windy and cloudy yet having bits of sun shining through, that can really make me genuinely smile and enjoy the moment. However whenever I don’t have any particular ‘triggers’ or ‘reasons’ to enjoy something in a moment, meaning there is no ‘stimulation’ of sorts by external elements, that’s where I have been testing out making more of a decision in moments with myself to get to express and enjoy something, while being alone and doing so entirely for myself.
A point of conditioning that I’ve seen for a long time is how I’ve defined self-expression in relation to only a set of particular activities, namely art related, in writing, in communication – and all of these are more ‘production’ based or interaction-based, but this creates a huge gap into the rest of the moments where I am not doing any of that and perceiving that I am not ‘expressing’ myself or that I am not ‘enjoying myself’ which is the deception to clear out for myself here.
I have a tendency to focus too much on ‘doing things’ and ‘getting things done’ to a point where I can easily not stop from the moment I wake up till I go to bed and not get a ‘break’ to ‘smell the flowers’ so to speak, except when I have to eat or if I go out – but my challenge and focus here is on expanding my ability to enjoy being (with) myself in simple situations where I am not necessarily ‘doing’ something, but simply getting to enjoy me, my presence, my physicality as in ‘I’m here’, I’m alive, I breathe, I am content with myself.
It is definitely awesome where one stops ‘longing’ something or someone to create an experience within us, because one is no longer defined by having a ‘positive experience’ being triggered by something or someone else, but can instead be one’s starting point and decision to enjoy a moment with ourselves.
An example is where I can simply step outside for a moment and just look at the sky and breathe some fresh air, or laying down for a moment, closing my eyes and practicing to just breathe and not engage in thinking, but develop that physical awareness in those moments and be in my physical body– as simple as it may sound these are enjoyable moments. Same with just staring for a moment at ‘life passing by’ and being ‘empty’ within myself – those are some of the peaceful moments, but they are also a result of me first getting to do most of the things I set myself to do, meaning, I very much dedicate my day to ‘doings’ yes, but at the same time I’ve also been learning to integrate some ‘me’ time where I can develop these self-enjoyment moments, like cooking or preparing something for me to eat or drink that I enjoy, or going to the movies which is definitely something I enjoy – and truly the way I get myself to watch a movie because it’s tough at times to do so at home – or when I decide to jog in the morning and it’s simply so nice to go to the park early on and having the sun not out yet – those are moments with myself that I appreciate – but I also want to be able to enjoy myself regardless of any of these activities.
And this is where I’ve noticed that ‘enjoyment’ per se if definitely not going to be as defined by consciousness, as a super high experience of ‘thrill’ or having a ‘buzz’ in my body where everything goes super fast and I’m like on a ‘high’ point – nope, this enjoyment is more of a fulfillment, self-fulfillment and lately is being linked to self-appreciation which is actually emerging from this same self-introspection I’ve been doing to debunk all of my supposed ‘lacks’ as well or points I’m ‘missing’ when in fact, these are just thoughts that I’ve given power to in my mind, but the ‘magic’ of writing is that upon seeing it for what it is in my words on the screen or on paper, they lose their ‘power’ so to speak, because I can see where I have not recognized the words I’m already living or how I have separated myself from certain words as well, which is great, it’s like a self-consolidation process and that’s very cool for this time of my life.
However, here I push for detail and specificity. Within me there’s a tendency when getting ‘too quiet’ to also bring up more like unconscious patterns of diving into a melancholy or slight depression, experiencing a sort of lack, longing, yearning etc. which has to do very much with the word I opened up yesterday in relation to comfort in solitude, where that comfort becomes a platform for me to enjoy and express me, for me, as me and at the same time, it has led me to ‘rekindle’ a relationship with myself based on how I can recognize who I am, what I’ve become, what I’m working on, being able to truly start appreciating myself, the path I’ve been deciding to walk and living it out in my life thus far, being grateful for all the people that I’ve gotten to meet and be with – and learn from it all – and realizing how much this has assisted me to grow as an individual.
I also have had a tendency to value this experience ‘with others’ as something ‘more’ than being alone, which is why I open up this self-expression and self-enjoyment on my own, meaning getting to at the same time be comfortable in my own body, in every moment, but also in deciding to do or express things for myself.
Self-expression and self-enjoyment is about who I really am in every moment, how I am experiencing myself in my body, being able to investigate myself if there’s any ‘noise’ going on in my head that is creating a particular experience in me and finding out what it is all about, which actually becomes something enjoyable for me to do as well – and so be able to make a decision to get back to a point of comfort within my body so that I can then express myself in whatever I do as a point of flow, direction, focus and determination in my regular responsibilities.
That’s how in working with writing, self-forgiveness in self-honesty and deciding to create the changes I need to establish myself back into my own two feet and express myself, I become enjoyment as well which I can also define as a satisfaction within me, as in being satisfied about all the day’s actions, of how I am directing myself throughout the day and this is certainly not about having positive thoughts or anything like that at all, it’s about principles and doings, it’s about knowing who I am and what I want to be and create – and so expressing, doing, sharing myself based on that realization, translating it into actions, considerations, choices, decisions, plans and projects, things to make and produce, while also yes, now integrating some ‘slow-me-time’ into the equation, that’s the challenge here.
If it is a ‘me-time’ where I don’t have anything specific to do, I can then practice on enjoying my physical experience, my presence, my surroundings, that quietness and stability that I am aware I can get to once that I have worked with what I had to do and create for the day as my expression.
So as I was mentioning earlier, self-expression and self-enjoyment has got to start for me, as me yet invariably of course this resulting in affecting the way I relate to others and the ways that I share who I am with others, in my interactions and such, which I find is most enjoyable.
Ultimately as I expressed yesterday as well, we cannot define our own expression and enjoyment based on where we are or with whom, nor if we are entirely ‘alone’ in a certain environment. I consider that being able to enjoy self in whatever we do is a point of self-acceptance, self appreciation and self-trust that is built throughout walking this process from consciousness to self-awareness as life as well, it just doesn’t come ‘in one go’ and it has taken me some years to get to a relative point of self-enjoyment and self-expression, but here I’m definitely pushing myself to the next level of continuing to fine tune myself in detail in relation to these aspects of myself as self-expression and self-enjoyment.
So, some self-forgiveness here on the perception that I cannot enjoy myself unless I share my expression with another or sometimes wishing that I could share myself or an activity with someone else in moments where it’s just not possible at the moment.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe or perceive that I can only enjoy myself genuinely in the presence of another/others, wherein in moments where I can be genuinely enjoying myself, I go into a ‘wishing’ or ‘longing’ to be in the presence of someone else that could also ‘benefit’ from this enjoyment or this activity as well, instead of realizing that myself as part of the whole, living this self-enjoyment is already me being it/expressing it as others as well. What I can practically do is then proceed to share myself with others in relation to how I’ve done this, the process I’ve walked to get to this self-enjoyment – or get to establish relationships with people where this kind of enjoyment can be shared – however without making it a condition for me to express and live self-enjoyment for and as myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have thought before that ‘life is better when sharing it with another’ – and so conditioning my expression in relation to ‘being with someone else’ and perceiving that when I am alone I am ‘miserable’ and so seeing no point in enjoying myself, which is a perception and a belief again that ‘this expression right here could be also shared and/or experienced with someone else’ which it is so in fact, it can, but it doesn’t have to ‘necessarily’ be so to make it enjoyable for myself alone – therefore
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make of ‘something or someone else’ the motivation for me to express me, to live enjoyment – when in fact this is precisely where we cripple ourselves in believing that it’s not worth ‘fully being here as ourselves’ in moments when we are alone, because we are not affecting someone else in any way of seeing them also enjoy and share a moment with us – when in fact, that is only a perception, because regardless of who is there or not, one can express and enjoy for and as oneself, and this is then a living expression that one becomes an example that can be shared with many more people that have conceived it as pointless to express and enjoy themselves alone – so I in essence have to live my own words and realizations into myself, so that I can be self-honest in my expression around this whole point, and truly become a living example of what it means to live these words self-expression and self-enjoyment even in the perceived ‘silent’ or ‘still’ moments within myself, deciding to be more expressive for me as me and not only doing so for another that is around me. And this has been a point I’ve been practicing for sure, bit by bit I’ll continue expanding myself on this.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to condition my expression based on who is around and how I can ‘affect them’ or ‘trigger them’ with my expression, which is then a point of separation such as doing something funny, enjoyable or express myself in a particular way to ‘create happiness’ or ‘enjoyment’ in another, which I can instead learn to do for me, as me, as an expression – no need for observers or onlookers for it.
I commit myself to embrace me, my expression, my enjoyment and whenever those thoughts come up of ‘Oh I wish I could have shared this moment with someone else’ I simply breathe and realize I’m here as me, I enjoy it, I live it – whenever there’s an opportunity to share it with another, I will, but then it won’t be doing it ‘for them’ only, but as an outflow of what I’ve already lived for and as myself, as my expression.
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