§ Continuing from: 530. The Secret Behind Attraction
When looking at this word I can self-honestly see that I have not yet lived ‘adaptability’ to the extent that I see I could. I may be living this word when it comes to getting along with people, but there is a particular aspect wherein I see I haven’t just yet learned to live this word. Upon looking at the word ‘adaptable’ what came up within me is that I still have allowed myself to be defined and conditioned according to the environment around me, specifically related to stepping out of my comfort zone in the polarity between ‘city life’ and ‘farm life’ or ‘rural’ environments.
In looking at the memories of where I’ve felt most inadaptable what first comes to mind is my ‘unbearable’ experience in relation to weather, where I’ve avoided extremely hot weather conditions and what emerges is this judgment towards heat and wanting to avoid heat itself, lol which I recently mentioned when chatting with some people about me going to a concert soon and they were suggesting things I could eat to have a good set up of food for the day, and I quickly responded that no, that’s not what I worry about but I truly worry about having to be an entire day under the sun… and there was no further comment on that lol where I then silently judged myself for possibly coming through as a picky-ghost that never goes out into the sun because of ‘disliking the heat.’
I’ve come to make decisions in my life based on wanting to avoid such heat and so making decisions and choices that can prevent me from having to be experiencing extreme heat.
I’ve sincerely seen myself as incapable of transcending such aversion to heat and it is a form of believing that I’m incapable of adapting to it and that it is one factor that can lead me to ‘give up’ on something because of being unable to bear the heat. This certainly is a self-sabotage pattern that previously I probably could have an option to ‘choose’ from in the sense of being capable of deciding to not live somewhere because I could be somewhere else where there’s less heat. But currently I do see that if there is a realistic necessity or opportunity for me to relocate to a place where heat is extensive and the activity I would be doing in such place is what I truly want to do and where I see I can develop my potential and share it with others, I’d have no choice but to adapt myself to the heat and assist me in finding ways to best coexist with it, instead of making a decision to not go somewhere because of the heat itself.
Being in a position of elitism in this world is also part of how I’ve been challenged when it comes to adaptability – not that I am ‘rich’ but all of us having this kind of services and basic infrastructure in our houses makes us part of the few percentage in this world that lives well enough, and I had a ‘glimpse’ of what it was to truly not have these services at hand which created a great impact in my life.
In high school – in my Jesuit school – we were taken to a very impoverished community for only 4 days to live and do what the locals did for a living. They were the most challenging four days of my life because there was no toilet, we had to sleep on the floor, access to water was limited, we had to be working under the sun and generally this ‘pickiness’ emerged within me where I would simply remind myself that this was only temporary, that in no time I’d be back to my comfort zone – which also made it unfathomable to me how these people seemed quite content with their lives, were hardworking and could conform with not having all of the services that I’ve taken for granted and gotten so used to have immediate access to in my life. It did create an impact within me that led me to wake up and smell reality, which is part of why I then got so invested in finding solutions for this world. In essence, we should all get our ‘rural experience’ in school or in life in order to truly wake up from all the things we take for granted and that billions of people have zero access to.
In this ‘rural experience’ as it was called in school, I witnessed how others that I had perceived as more ‘picky’ than me had a much better way of adapting and being comfortable in such a basic environment, even getting to enjoy it – whereas I struggled a lot more to the point of feeling completely disempowered and having this ‘knot’ in my throat both from the sadness of seeing people live in such places to my personal interest of missing the comfort of my own home. There, I can say I also mostly failed at adapting to this environment, even it if was truly only for a moment.
When I lived at the Desteni Farm for one year, the heat aversion came up within me, as well as any other set of conditions that to me were ‘out of my comfort zone’ like having little access to going to the city, being surrounded with all kinds of animals all the time and how since I was a child I developed certain fears toward horses that I did get to face to a great extent there, but I know I ‘left off’ where I was barely getting to ground myself around them, so I still see and consider my ability to adapt to a complete farm environment as a challenge for my ability to adapt in such an environment.
I’ve also noticed that throughout my life I have been fortunately surrounded by people that I consider are very simplistic and adaptable to ‘any environment’ and so I learned from them as I shared such environments with them. Because if it was based on a family-influence, it is definitely not something I could learn firsthand from them because no one in my immediate family has been that ‘outdoors’ adventurer, even though my grandfather is definitely an ‘earth worker’ throughout his entire life, I am a victim of having the apparent ‘simple life’ in the city, separate from the rural life or country side type of lifestyle that I got to learn a lot from and appreciate in several ways when I had that one year experience in South Africa – though I still left with a sensation of experiencing myself as having to be constantly ‘coping’ with the weather and the environmental conditions, wherein I didn’t get to entirely adapt and truly embrace the environment, the weather and the routines in that place, even if I got to ‘do it all’ and push myself to work hard from day 2 of stepping there, I still could not ‘find my footing’ completely settled, and I do see that it has to do more with a set of reactions towards the weather, the lack of this ‘matrix security’ that a city gives you, and more so finding it a bit unsettling to live in such an area that was somewhat far out from the nearest town, feeling in a form of confinement at times – lol even if one steps out into an entire open space around – which proves this is entirely a mind-created perception and experience that I could see wasn’t ‘there’ in others, which led me to consider that it was only me that was having this kind of ‘issues’ with the environment, and yes I did keep it quiet and not really investigating it at the time, which is something I could have opened up to work on and transcend real time, so this is a cool feedback for me to not suppress things.
Within past situations of going to what I can define as ‘uncertain’ areas – which are trips or situations I can count with my fingers in one hand – I would notice others’ ability to adapt to the set up and be comfortable, start opening up with the locals, and be generally ok with themselves even if the setup of where we would be staying was ‘rustic’ or not having all the comfort or services I would expect. So, I’m grateful for learning from others and how they can have this capacity to make themselves comfortable no matter ‘where they are’ – again what I’m having in mind is more natural environments, rural environments, places out of any perceived ‘comfort zone’ that I’ve defined a city to be for me.
Therefore in my life, I do consider I need to challenge myself more in getting out of my comfort zone or ‘city bubble’, and as I write this, there’s this slight fear that emerges as in really wanting to say ‘nooo! I don’t really want to!’ but, that’s the way that I see I would be tested out in terms of being able to adapt living somewhere that is different from my ‘usual’ environment or context.
And this is definitely related to city and countryside type of situation because when I lived alone in Mexico City, I chose to be in a rather basic set up that I got quite adapted to even if it wasn’t a ‘great’ environment to be in, but somehow the notion of being in the city and being able to move around whenever I wanted and having the usual ‘city services’ gave me a point of comfort and security that of course one lacks when being outside of the city and dealing with the reality of life outside of the matrix bubble.
This is also some hard wiring programming in me since I was a child where I learned to fear animals, dislike ‘getting dirty’ in natural environments, having to ‘eat whatever is available’ instead of me being able to choose for myself what I want to eat and having to do work that I would prefer not doing related to specifically again, being under the sun for a long time, fearing not having water – which interestingly enough I went through for just one day in Mexico City and I could not believe how ‘hellish’ that was for me and how apprehensive I got about it as in being fearful about it even paranoid about it which I’ve shared about before in this blog, and it was barely a 24 hour situation…
All of that surely has led me to reflect on the impoverished situations that other people live in wherein there’s this comfort in my mind of thinking that ‘they have adapted to it, they’re used to it’ – but of course this is not common sensical to justify at all! It is something unacceptable that we allow billions to live in such situations and conditions – but unfortunately this is something that I cannot change alone, we all have to realize this and eventually gather to create solutions for the majority.
For now I have to first deal with my perceived inability to adapt to such environments or living conditions. And I find it interesting that this ‘adaptability’ is not related to ‘being unable to adapt to people’ – people are not the problem in my case, but my own reactions to an environment, a living setup, a set of weather conditions. And if I truly want to support myself, well I’d have to also take myself out of my comfort zone where the whole set up in which I live – even if it is very simplistic – it still has all the basic services and even nearby environment where I get everything that I require at any time.
And this is where the notion of having to ‘move’ somewhere else becomes like a slight sensation of fear in the ‘pit of my stomach’ which is all related to a fear of the unknown and a conditioning that has to do with all that I’ve described having experienced before – which wasn’t really ‘bad’ at all – but it all has to do with all the unresolved emotional issues I created towards these environments, which I will be opening up within self-forgiveness in the next blog, because I can clearly see right now how this is truly one of those challenging points for me where I feel quite ‘unsettled’ opening it up lol, which means it’s great that I actually can open it up for once and for all.
How I came up with this notion of looking at the word adaptable in relation to that person I created an ‘attraction’ towards was upon seeing the guy take long hikes completely alone in the mountains and grabbing just one backpack with some basic items needed to do it. I envied his capacity to be completely fine and enjoying himself with just a few items on his back and wander into un-charted territory like a forest or hiking up some mountains, because my thoughts immediately went in the direction of ‘what if there are wild animals, what if he gets stung by something poisonous, what if he runs out of water or food, where will he go to the toilet, how does he manage to sleep!??’ and so picturing myself fearing missing all of those things that I’ve defined as ‘my security’ and basic services/environmental infrastructure.
I see that the one of the reasons why it has been not yet possible for me to adapt is because I keep holding on to the consideration of a situation like that only being temporary for me, that at some point I’ll go ‘back to my comfort zone’ in a city, in a preferred weather environment and so not having to actually embrace my reality completely, which is really not a nice experience at all, because even in one’s imagination, it all becomes about ‘longing’ or ‘yearning’ to be somewhere else but where you are and this I found a very unsettling experience. Yet I was creating it myself based on all the judgments and beliefs I had about my inability to adapt to those environments and truly embrace them as ‘my reality’ or ‘my home’ in that moment.
I therefore would very much like to get to be comfortable and be adaptable in relation to these weather conditions and environments that I’ve defined as uncertain or challenging, and shed that layer of discomfort or ‘pickiness’ that I haven’t managed to let go of – which is for now existing as a memory only as well, because in reality, I have not been in such conditions or environments for a long time. Even when people tell me that they went to the sierra/mountains to spend some days in a little town, there’s a part of me that would truly want to experience a sense of comfort in the notion of going to those places and genuinely enjoy myself, but at the same time what emerges in me is an idea of discomfort, of fear, of uncertainty, of lacking services, of insecurity, of being ‘at the mercy of an uncertain weather’, of not having the resources ‘at my disposition’ as easy as I have them where I live, etc.
I also consider that I’ve judged myself and have secretly been embarrassed throughout my life for having all of these fears I’ve defined as ‘pickiness,’ because I have seen how for many people such lifestyles related to farm life or country side are a ‘dream come true’ but for me it has always been the opposite for the most part and I am glad I did challenge myself to live in a farm for one year, but it wasn’t enough to truly enjoy and embrace my reality, because I knew it would not be permanent and this also sets a condition of ‘tolerating’ or ‘coping’ with something for some time only, instead of me having applied the ability to truly embrace that context and environment regardless of it being temporary or not and work through my reactions in real time.
So, the point here is for me to work with the fears, the anxiety that emerges when considering the potential of living in a place like that again and working with the mental-stuff related to it, to at least recognize how I’ve built this experience of me being apparently ‘inept’ in those environments – and so stopping ‘vetting’ myself from making certain decisions in my life based on an environment, to get the ‘weather’ situation out of the list of ‘cons’ to make decisions in my life and then, there will also be such a thing as testing the real thing and getting to apply myself with the corrections and realizations that I will lay out for myself, and discover for once and for all if I can truly be directive in an environment that I’ve defined as ‘challenging’ for me to be ‘this comfortable and stable me’ as I can apparently be in a familiar or city environment.
Of course all of these are self-limitations I have to break through and change within me as I continue ‘processing’ all of these with self-forgiveness in self-honesty.
More to come…. Thanks for reading.
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March 24th, 2017 at 11:25 pm
[…] § Continuing from: 530. The Secret Behind Attractionand second part to 544. Being Inadaptable as Self-Limitation […]