568. Sacrificial Sainthood

Or how the idea of ‘being an example to or others’  in my head became another personality to debunk

In my case and relationship to living purpose, I noticed that I had defined me doing this process of self change also to ‘be an example for others’ and in that, more veering towards the noble, pious and honorable idea of ‘being an example’ of what it means to live in certain principles in this life and ‘show that to others’.

 But! I realize how there was a weight placed on the ‘to others/for others’ rather than understanding the simplicity of what ‘being an example’ means, which in my current redefined relationship is not to see it as a standard of superiority, a ‘quality standard’ or being qualified with notions like being ‘more noble’ or ‘better’ or showing others ‘how it’s done’ from a superior starting point, but instead actually using ‘the matter’ that I am as a human with a physical body, a mind, a capacity to make decisions, create, grow, expand within challenging my own limitations, my own ideas and beliefs which include the whole point of ‘creating an impact ON OTHERS’ and so focusing too much on ‘others’ and in a way, relegating myself to a second plane which might have been ‘subtly’ there, but it does create and sustains a persona/personality around ‘being an example’ and making that ‘my living purpose’ where it becomes about showing, demonstrating, teaching others something instead of first living it for and as myself, entirely and unconditionally.

See, what I found I tend to miss is that in being the best for myself, as myself, for myself = one invariably then becomes an example – but here I had to redefine my relationship with the word ‘example’ because within me it was plagued with notions of my past experience as an ‘exemplar student’ and how I was placed on a form of ‘pedestal’ at the eyes of my peers as in being used to show others ‘how things should be done,’ and I’ve lived that pattern ever since – in varying degrees, a lot less pronounced in the past years – but I realized it was still there when I started uncovering more about certain patterns that I’ll continue to share in relation to ‘others’ and how ingrained this point of ‘serving others’ and ‘being for others’ or at times ‘sacrificing’ myself ‘for others’ has existed in my life, taking almost a religious tonality to it, which I’ve been definitely challenging and debunking this past month, allowing myself to slowly but surely disentangle myself from these covert or more ‘ingrained’ aspects in how I’ve been approaching certain aspects in me ‘by default’ which at the same time build personalities in me that have become so much ‘myself’ that I actually required a second pair of eyes looking into my life to assist me in seeing this, which is quite cool as well.

Now this doesn’t mean ‘what I do’ changes, but the starting point does. And that’s what becomes a fine line in everything that we do, are, become and invest ourselves on, being best for ourselves first and foremost which may be understood as a point of selfishness if you will, which I had quite a ‘reaction’ to doing at first, until I realized it was a matter of seeing how I had lived my relationship to words like selfishness, serving, ‘being an example for others’ and others that I’ll be opening up as I go with particular positive and negative charges to them.

I am aware that many more specially in this context of walking a process of self change might have a similar ‘design’ to the one that I have/had/am walking through which is where one kind of forgets about oneself and completely and solely focuses on ‘others’ and ‘serving others,’ at times even if that means compromising oneself in one way or another or simply forgetting to first do things for, by and as myself – and sometimes even going into guilt if one ‘dares’ to do things that are solely for oneself (!). So I found today’s interview released at Eqafe.com spot on describing this pattern and personality, along with a beautiful explanation on ‘finding one’s inner spark’ so altogether very recommendable:  Work, Work, Work (Rediscovering Your Spark in Life) – Quantum Systemization – Part 156

I find then that the whole point of ‘I matter’ has assisted me a lot to confirm what I had been pondering about for some weeks and it’s funny that this word ‘matters’ was popping in my head but I could not see anything further other than what I explained in my previous blog in relation to what matters, what is important, but never linked it to ‘I matter’ which is a necessary ‘click’ that I required to see that yes, I had in a way placed more importance on ‘everything else out there’ rather than focusing first of all and primarily on myself, because how can I in fact be a supportive example if I am missing ‘myself’ in the equation? If I turn this whole process into a semi-religious sacrifice where I believe I cannot enjoy myself and life unless everyone in the world gets to be in a good living position, how would I end up ‘living’ my life?

Well, I would be setting myself to live in an emotional state of misery and that’s definitely not what’s best for me, nor for anyone else if there’s an actual ability and possibility to be ‘the best’ that we can be for ourselves – and so invariably to others as well. I am aware this might sound a bit extreme but this kind of associations did exist within me up to fairly recently, very subtle but still there and it’s a point of morality as well about wanting to be a ‘good person’ that is ‘compassionate’ and ‘caring to others’ as a form of benevolent persona which I am aware now became a limitation to focus on things that I had then judged as not important, menial, shallow, not ‘supportive for the world’ and so, I was exiting in denial of doing things that I know I genuinely enjoy, which I came to at times be in conflict with because of seeing it as ‘menial’ – like doing what I actually trained myself to do, which is arts. Now I’m deciding to fully take that on again as a career path, which I am quite happy about but even this ability to write ‘I am happy about it’ to me has been a process, I initially almost had a ‘hard time’ embracing this decision and life statement yep! That’s how deep this ‘sacrificial sainthood’ pattern goes, yep almost like a nun really that ‘renounces to earthly pleasures’ and what I genuinely like doing for the sake of ‘doing everything for everyone else’ which is not the point at all.

And yes as I write that, man, a part of me wants to pop out and say ‘but no, you can’t!’ and that’s the thing! that’s the personality I’ve lived which can be equated in a polarized manner to that of a religious person in fact where there was a dimension of ‘I cannot enjoy myself, I cannot be ‘happy’ unless everyone else in the world is happy’ and so yes, denying myself the possibility and ability I have to fully live the words ‘I matter’ not only in the aspects I described yesterday, but in everything and anything I do or don’t do, to do it for and as myself and stop seeing myself ‘through the eyes of others’ which I’ve seen lately is quite a ‘biggie’ for me as well.

Therefore, I’m glad that I’ve been able to open this up for myself and I share it considering how someone else might relate to it –part of the principle of making myself ‘matter’ is to express and share, to keep track of myself in what I go discovering about me, my life, the way I’ve lived, the points I have yet to walk, change and fine tune. All of this is what I see is a key for me to step out of certain limitations as beliefs, ideas of ‘who I must be’ that eventually become what has been defined as ‘the religion of self’ as the personalities we’ve become, the limitations, the fears, the morality over the reasons why we do or don’t do things which stand as obstacles to us fully embracing, living and expressing as the matter, the life, the potential that is here as ourselves, that’s what the Desteni Process is about, so in a way learning to be ‘the best’ for yourself, as yourself entirely and then get to realize what that means when understanding the actuality of equality and oneness : )

 

Will continue to share as I go…

 

Thanks for reading!

 

Hollow the Priest

 

Join us in our process of Self-Expression as LIFE

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About Marlen

I share my realizations and perspectives within learning how to live life in self-honesty in the Desteni Process to expand and grow as a person in this world. #IMatter View all posts by Marlen

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