Or daring to transcend self-imposed limitations (fears) and learning about myself in doing so
I’ve been reflecting on the various ways that I had abdicated my own authority and existed in a ‘waiting mode’ expecting something or someone to become an ‘authority’ in my life to give me the ‘green light’ so to speak to do certain things, to validate my capabilities and in essence expecting some form of ‘external proof’ of who I am/what I am capable of living and doing. I’ve seen this has been in part influenced due to at a very deep level not wanting to embrace the full responsibility that comes with taking the steps, the actions to be something/create something and ‘giving myself permission’ and paving the path to walk upon and in essence live out the outflows of that point of creation.
The same comes when deciding to live a word for example, where a slight expectation or fear comes when thinking and believing that ‘Oh well now I have to ‘live up to my words’ and apply myself in changing this/that in my life’ as if that was something to fear myself not being capable of doing, not being able to follow through with or fearing failing on it from the get go, which is a self-sabotage mechanism where I would instead rather ‘not go there at all’ as in not declaring for myself ‘I’m going to finally change this/that in my life’ because of already fearing not being able to ‘keep up with it’ from the get go… wow! That’s quite a fuck up, isn’t it? Giving up and believing one can’t actually do something that is assessed in self-honesty as the best way to live within ourselves, in our lives. Or, believing that something/someone else should give us that ‘permission’ to do so, to give us that confirmation that we can in fact go ahead and change, expand, grow, test and try new things. Yep, been there and done that all the way and I’ve seen how more and more I appreciate the ability to be left ‘in the darkness’ in relation to many things where I had to then push myself to give myself direction and ‘give life’ to things, projects, outcomes in my life.
I looked at this notion of ‘waiting for the catalyst’ in my life as explained in this awesome Eqafe.com audio Holding Back and Imprisoning My Life – Life Review, which I can relate to. I’ve also had different people in my life that I defined as ‘authorities’ or ‘influences’ over me that in one way or another gave me that confidence and reassurance for me to ‘go ahead!’ and do something that I was eternally doubting myself capable of doing. Now, it’s not like I should ‘not’ need this ‘at all’, there’s always a time and place for everything in life and I consider we all need that ‘pat on the back’ to ‘go for it’ in many ways. Though there also comes a point in life where I realize I have to stop waiting for this ‘external catalyst’ to exist for me and instead give myself the authority to do it, to have the ability to discern who I am/where I am and how I am currently living in my life and what kind of things I can test out, place into application or what I am ‘ready to do’ based on how I see myself.
So, I saw how self-doubt for example has been a constant in me that still emerges in any creative process and upon noticing it, all I can do is give myself that green light myself and test something out, take the risk, being ok with mistakes, learning from myself in those moments where I see that I’d like some kind of reassurance about something being ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ so, in a way learning to step out of my own judgment, morality and fears in order to reassure that self-authority – which is not a position of superiority or authoritarianism, but rather a full disclosure of self-responsibility and accountability that comes with what I decide to be, create and do something differently as part of my change, and in my case specifically not limiting myself through fears.
An example here is that upon my last blog, a part of me later on went into doubt if it was sounding ‘too egotistical’ in a way, or if I was placing myself on a pedestal or if others could read me as being arrogant etc.… which are all judgments that I’ve had towards myself as the result of me having placed way too much value on ‘how others see me’ and leading to self-compromise – all of it being fueled by fears and self-doubt. So, I decided to not go into self-doubt and instead stick to my words, if it causes a consequence and I have to face it, that’s awesome, I can learn from it. If I can get feedback from someone giving me another perspective I’ve missed in it that would be awesome too, I can then consider how it is being read by others and see what I can align within myself about it.
However, going through the road of ‘rather not saying it/doing it/challenging myself to declare it because I fear I cannot live up to my words’ is definitely no longer the way for me, because I’ve seen how much I have limited myself in my life, my time and compromising me based on this notion that I had to keep myself at a ‘very basic level’ to not stand up in my ‘full potential’ in a moment, which again is not an idea of ‘almightiness’ but simply giving that ‘best that I can’ in my day to day, and not settling for the least which is what I see I can apply this creative authority in my life: giving myself the ‘permission’ in a way, being the only one that can in fact do so in my life and be my own motivation, where I don’t keep waiting for something/someone to give a reassurance of who I am/what I do in order to move, create, test things out, change, expand and explore.
I consider it will be the other way around where once I have given myself that ‘green light’ and actually ‘put myself out there’ as it’s said, then I can get feedback and take it into consideration, but to not limit myself based on what I believe I should ‘be given by others’ in order for me to move. Who else ‘should’ do it but myself/ourselves!? And that’s an aspect that implies daring to take risks, being ok if I fuck something up, if I make mistakes, if I find I’m deviating from principles, if I see that I’m going back to ‘old ways’ that are not supportive = all of that is entirely on me and able to be assessed in self-honesty – and I would eventually know through how I create and live my life and the results thereof if it is effective/supportive or not.
All I have is then myself, my responsibility, the tools of developing personal insight and self-investigation through self-honesty and self-forgiveness in order to get myself back on track if I ‘lose my way’ as well – and any other additional support/reference from others which is I’d say greatly needed in this process as cross-reference and feedback to fine tune and align myself – however the rest is entirely up to me: being my starting point, my motivation, going for it in the full expression it implies, because I know I would greatly regret not doing so later on in my life.
So, ‘daring’ to step out of this self-conditioning and self-compromise into a personal stance of ‘this is me, this is who I am, this is what I do’ and fully own it. That’s a supportive way to live self-authority and creative authority, where I can practically walk through the fear of making mistakes or fear of not being ‘accurate’ in something and instead, learn from it, grow within it and nurture myself from such experiences, instead of getting to a point in my life where I regret ‘not having given myself the authority to do so.’ No matter where one is in one’s life, it’s never too late to consider ‘going for it’ and expanding our horizons this way.
Thanks for reading.
Suggested audios for more support:
Holding Back and Imprisoning My Life – Life Review
Holding Back and Imprisoning My Life – Life Review – Part 2
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