587. Adapting to the New instead of Wallowing in the Old

Or walking through an experience of ‘standing up’ in my dream and not going into past patterns upon seeing familiar ‘triggering points’ to do the opposite before.

 

I had a dream about moving to a new city to live with my partner and essentially finding myself in a completely new environment where things didn’t quite turn out ‘as I had expected’ initially, which means that the creation of expectations was the comparison point that I used to define that ‘the way things turned out’ was not satisfactorily or how I had ‘painted’ it in my mind. Even more so what became evident is how I had idealized the relationship with my partner and that once that we were in that moment of ‘settling it’, nothing was as I imagined it to be. I’d perceive him as being rather detached/distant, offish, lackadaisical, moody, not really wanting to go out once that we had arrived to our destination and in that it was interesting that even if the environment, situation and things weren’t as ‘I had imagined them to be’ I still decided to then be the one that would go out on my own and start meeting up with people, where I made that decision to move and ‘find my way’ in it, instead of what I probably would have done before which is to wallow and go into a similar ‘state of mind’ as I would see my partner do, which is something that resembles more of previous relationships I’ve been in and how yes, there has been people in my life that would definitely act this way and I would allowed myself to be also discouraged, to also go into a ‘depressed’ mode, but not anymore. However I’ll walk through how I made that change within me. 

 

Upon noticing how things would really be like in that situation, there was an initial ‘disillusionment’ in it as well upon seeing reality for what it was and not through the eyes of my ‘dreams’ or ideals and expectations, which I can identify as a ‘grounding’ moment as well to not build or create any expectations or idealize potential outcomes or future situations, but rather be able to work with ‘what’s here’ in the moment, which applies to anything in my life, to build and create something in the moment rather than future projecting, planning, idealizing something ‘too much’ out there in a distant future and this is how through the dream I became aware of my participation in this in a ‘background’ manner to bring it to the front and be more directive in relation to it.

 

As I was walking through or ‘processing’ what was my new reality arriving to live in a new country, with new people, I made a decision to not wallow into an experience of disappointment or disillusionment but instead, I made a decision to not give into a depression or plain ‘down’ experience and instead decide to literally go out and start creating my way, starting to talk to people that in my dream were ‘familiar’ ones actually which seems uncanny in a ‘new city’ but I get the gist of it as in ‘leading my way through it’, which then got me back to seeing how I decide how I experience myself in any circumstance, I define who I am in it – and within this not seeing places or people as limitations, but rather see through the eyes of opportunities as new environments, new ways, new challenges to adapt into, to overcome, to find my way through and so live adaptability and flexibility.

 

I also see it as something where once that one gives a certain step into this kind of life changes, such as moving to another place to live and start ‘a new life’ there, no matter what the inconveniences are such as ‘hot weather’ or ‘foreign language’ or ‘the people around me not acting the way I expected’ to realize that it’s still entirely up to me who I decide to be in it, which is what I did in the dream.

 

For example, I first have to decide who I would like to be in such situations, instead of going into my mind to see it all as a ‘mistake’ and going into some kind of ‘backing off’ from my decision, which I was slightly doing initially in my dream which felt like a ‘sinking’ or ‘wallowing’ physical experience – yes in the dream – until I decided to take the steps to literally ‘put myself out there’ as it’s said and that changed my whole experience in the moment, from that ‘sinking’ experience or even ‘depressive’ experience or ‘missing’ experience to ‘I decide to create how I live and what I’d like to create in this moment’ and ending up seeing myself enjoying the company of more people that I’d get to connect with there.

 

Here opening up a bit more about expectations which I’ve tested out and realized in my life are usually a certain road that leads to disappointment, disillusionment and most probably a belief that ‘nothing is as good as it seemed’ because we tend to create ‘ideal conditions’ in our minds based on how we would ‘like’ things to be, on our limited preferences and one thing we know about reality is that life is never what we want it to be and that’s how it definitely should be from my perspective, otherwise, how else would we learn to grow, expand and adapt ourselves, to get ‘new bits’ of ourselves created within the purpose of expanding our lives within and without of ourselves?

 

I also saw how creating expectations is linked to a desire for control which is also one of those ‘biggie’ points that I’ve been walking through in my life, and so making peace with the reality fact that we can’t really know how anything will in be for certain until we are living it here, in the moment. We can’t ever really have control over ‘how things are going to be,’ we cannot control at all the conditions, outflows, potentials and variables in any point of our lives, we can only control and direct and so change ourselves in it.

 

So to me the word that I’ve been looking at is the capacity to Adapt to the circumstances, to be flexible and enjoy myself in doing so, where instead of going into a ‘closing off’ within me upon seeing certain ‘hurdles’ on the road, I decide to push through and decide to see things from the starting point of potentials to develop, to see it as a challenge as well and not at all participating in the idea of ‘going back’ to my comfort zone, but instead walk through the perceived ‘unexpected’ experience and eventually see that as with any change, sure there’s an initial ‘settling time,’ there’s a moment to adjust, there are challenges, changes which is all part of getting out of one’s comfort zone, which is precisely where I want to be in my life really. Ultimately that’s definitely what makes one grow and expand as a person and with those around oneself as well, like in my case of the dream to now allow me and my experienced to be defined by the one that my partner in that moment was going through, but be a living example of creating the experience that I wanted to create in that moment, of course not just for the sake of ‘experience’ but in consideration of what I was there to do as a purpose I am creating for myself, which is very much linked to connecting with more people.

 

So, it was cool for me to not go into this ‘sinking’ experience as I would usually go into when having my expectations not ‘meet reality’ and instead embrace reality as is, no mind-preferences attached.

 

I have to be quite devoid of expectations towards my life wherein yes, I can have a distinctive direction and decision on what I’m about to live and do, but I am aware I cannot control all factors or have things be like this ‘perfect dream’ in my mind, but instead be open and flexible in whatever I decide to create and participate in, be willing and ready to take on ‘whatever comes’ and more importantly to trust myself in that no matter ‘what’ goes around or where I am: I am here, I can expand, I can adapt, I can learn, I can grow and if all things eventually don’t lead to the outcome that is best for myself and others, to again not be afraid to take a different road and walk through it from the start. 

 

Because that’s ultimately what was also an underlying experience in the dream, like ‘what if this was a mistake?’ ‘what If I made a wrong decision?’ and in existing within that fear of making mistakes, I’ve limited myself a lot before within fearing to make a different decision, to change my situation because of fearing failure ultimately or ‘things not working out,’ but I’ve been learning a thing or two about this as well in my life recently and having the guts to make radical changes and learn what it means to start anew, therefore I’m clear on that as well.

 

Ok so that’s a simple example of how yes, dreams to me at times become a very clear way to ‘walk through’ something that exists at deeper levels within me or that I have been participating in without fully opening it up and because it comes up in such a clear manner, it definitely prompts me to not avoid it, but look at it and rather see it as a gift to not ‘leave the points aside’ and take them on to see ‘who am I’ in relation to what I went through in the dream and utilize them as a cross reference, like in this case it was a way to verify that I am integrating this self-change in all aspects of myself – awake and asleep – which is cool.

 

I also see that whatever I projected onto the environment or the people in it don’t define ‘them’ but define me and aspects of myself that I’ve lived in my own life before or that or previous partnership situations where I have in fact allowed myself to ‘settle in’ with people that would not want to support themselves, and so in a way feeling restricted because of having to ‘be’ with someone that required a lot more time to eventually get to a point – if any – of self-support.

 

So I can only look back at myself whenever I see that I am existing as such detachment, coldness, aloofness or ‘offish’ experience to snap myself out of it. Doesn’t really happen to me lately, I can honestly say that, but I have surely existed as this before in my life and as with anything, we see in others what exists within ourselves, either in an active or passive manner so again, it’s up to me to also see who I would decide to be towards someone that I am perceiving is ‘subsumed’ in such experience and what I would decide to do in order to assist them in such situations, which in that case I decided to be an example of not going ‘into an experience’ but go out there and live out what I decided to do there.

 

Check out these awesome audios that touch upon a similar situation in someone’s life and how they ‘picked themselves up’ from it.

Thanks for reading!

 

Running Away from Detachment

 

Join us in our process of Self-Expression as LIFE

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About Marlen

I share my realizations and perspectives within learning how to live life in self-honesty in the Desteni Process to expand and grow as a person in this world. #IMatter View all posts by Marlen

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