593. Missing 5 seconds in reality

 

Or how the pattern of desiring to get things done as fast and efficiently as possible can carry consequences where reality hits hard to see what I’m participating in.

I had an interesting situation going on yesterday when I was out to buy a ticket for a concert that I’ve been waiting for a long time, and I did notice there was this bit of anxiousness to ‘get to the spot’ to see if they were available already and having in mind that this has to get done ‘quick’ because there are not so many spots available in the place where this band will play. So, I went to get the money from the bank to then go somewhere else to pay for it, and I was intently aware of taking step by step, walking ‘fast’ yet slowing down within me because I am quite aware of how things go when I go into a ‘rush mode’ and get anxious and stressed out about things that certainly don’t have to be experienced that way, and I considered I was doing that Except for 10 seconds or less that 10 seconds when I was approaching the car that was parked in the parking lot of another store and where I went into considering how I had to ‘rush now to get into the car so that we can get out now that the avenue is kind of empty and not full of buses and cars’ and just because of in that one moment focusing on a supposed ‘convenience’ for my mother to get the car out of there with more ‘ease’ I stopped focusing on my own two feet and focused on looking at the street and trying to rush, because I also heard how she started the car while I was approaching it, so that I also ‘took on as a signal’ that ‘I had to rush to get into the car’ – all MY interpretation of course within this ‘hurry hurry’ mentality – and just as I was on the back of the car ‘on my way to get into it’ I fell down, hard on my knees and fortunately I did place my hands on the ground which means I fortunately didn’t hit my face on the ground again – lol – but it hurt quite a bit.

I stood up very quickly, also in a way because I was ashamed if my dress had gone up and exposed myself to the people behind, lol, so that was interesting as well in terms of how I didn’t even bother to check that much how my knees were doing or if I had dropped anything, I just wanted to get the hell out of there as fast as possible because of this underlying experience of being ashamed for having possibly ‘exposed’ myself while falling.

I got back into the car saying “let’s go quick, I fell really hard” – and I don’t even know why I went into such rush, stressing out my mother who had no idea of what happened, I just wanted to get home in case something worse than just a bruise had happened, because pain was quite extensive. So, fortunately I have a bit of ointment with me so I rubbed it on my knees all the way back, and as I did that I realized that I had rushed for those last 5 seconds before getting into the car and how those 5 rushed seconds were the moment where I fell and how I had again fallen into the pattern of ‘wanting to facilitate things for others’ and thinking of ‘efficiently being able to get out of there without much hassle’, defining hassle as in traffic, buses, lots of cars etc. and missing out my own sure step.

I’ve shared similar situations before where it again shows that I am going into ‘antsy’ mode about something, and there were several dimensions to it, including getting to pay the ticket and essentially secure it, and how even if I was ‘paying attention’ to my every step of the way in all the previous moments, it only took one single 5 second moment to again focus on ‘rushing’ and bam, fell down in that one moment.

So, within reflecting back I kind of set up myself to have ‘something going wrong’ with it just because of the amount of expectation, fear of ‘not getting a ticket’ and the idea that I had to rush to get it, which even if I tried to manage in doing the various transactions, it got to eventually happen in this kind of outflows where I cannot ascertain that it had to do with ‘all the energy I had piled up around this event’ or something like that, but it is simply interesting that I took one single moment for granted in my ‘slowing down’ and rushed to ‘benefit others’ or to ‘facilitate things’ or to be able to ‘efficiently get out of there’ and that’s where reality stopped me, hard, lol. Another thing is that I didn’t become angry as I probably would have before, angry at ‘myself’ or the ‘uneven sidewalk’ or whatever, I truly did focus on rubbing my knees and breathing through the hideous pain.

I’m doing ok, but I share it because I think it’s quite common for this kind of things to just ‘happen’ in one second and also sharing how supportive it is to use ice, bags of ice on bruises, for 20 to 30 minutes right after the impact if possible and put it on 3 times a day at least during that same day and the following ones according to how it goes looking/feeling. Also some ointments that are meant to be used for bruises are great for that and generally, to me this is another reminder of not going into a rush-mode again, not even for 5 seconds where I go into the same old pattern and bam, consequence ‘hits the ground’ literally. And I am also grateful for the strength of my bones, I truly thought I had broken them, it was quite painful but it was a momentary thing and impact

And… yep I got my ticket… of course any ‘excitement’ for it completely washed away and I feel nothing for having it, which is interesting as well, it will be something I get to assist to when the day comes and that’s it. For now I realize there are certainly ‘little’ reality wake up calls to remind myself to not take my body, my life, my 5 seconds of reality for granted or pretend I can ‘fly’ for a moment and have things go ‘perfectly’ and ‘my way’ entirely… nope… and I’m glad to realize that and so, again, remind myself to slow down at all times, no matter ‘what.’

Also here realizing that I have to in those moments, instead of wanting to stand up right back up as if nothing had happened to avoid having to ‘face the shame’ for having fallen down in a public place, I have to take a moment to breathe and check how I am doing before thinking immediately on ‘hiding from others seeing that I fell down’, because it all has to do with having an expected idea of myself – dealing with perfection/nothing ever going wrong like this – and that subtly still creating this embarrassment experience about it, because in those moments I’ve felt vulnerable of course and with the mix of pain and embarrassment it becomes an experience I tend to immediately want to ‘go back to normal,’ instead of admitting that I missed a step, I rushed, I fell and hurt myself, I need to focus on my physical body, not on my ‘desires’ of ‘how I want things to be perceived and done.’

So there’s an aspect to being vulnerable in those moments and allow myself to check myself first, to be ok in those moments because no one is ‘safe from it’ either, it can happen to anyone and it also reminds me how I’ve judged ‘falling down’ as some kind of weakness, which interestingly enough I had also written out before here even through witnessing this kind of ‘accidents’ happening to others… which speaks a lot about this desire for perfection, everything going ‘alright’ and ‘on time’ and ‘as expected’ every single time I am doing anything… well reality definitely has made me look again at these points to see where I have to slow down at all times, not allow any point to ‘rush’ in order to get something done ‘efficiently ‘ or ‘without hassle’ because in essence it’s also still running from a starting point of fear: fearing the hassle of getting out there, fearing time running out, fearing not getting to pay the ticket.. all sorts of really ‘puny’ thoughts that I have tended to give so much value to, which are not worth the consequences that could have been worse at times when we miss out these ‘5 seconds’ – or less – in reality, which I’ve seen can happen also in worse ways and it’s not cool at all.

So, I commit myself to not go into rush mode for any reason, life is not to be taken for granted, physical body is not to be taken for granted as a vehicle to ‘satisfy my mental desires’… but ‘I got my ticket.’

Thanks for reading.

 

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About Marlen

I share my realizations and perspectives within learning how to live life in self-honesty to expand and grow as a person in this world. #IMatter View all posts by Marlen

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