Recently I’ve had two different situations that got me to a better understanding of self-honesty even though I’ve been integrating this concept for ten years now – it definitely changes as one goes walking life in trial and error mode, which is a constant point to consider in life as well and not have any judgment about it! Quite relevant too.
This opened up in relation to the audios related to Memories on Eqafe.com* and other ones that relate more to Self-Honesty** – and even though the main topic is not about what I will share here – it assisted greatly to see how I had been judging someone’s self honesty as good or bad and with that, my ‘usual’ approach to it is to try and ‘fix them’ which in my mind, sounded great! A ‘good thing’ to do, but that’s the problem!
See, I’ve justified intervening too much on someone’s path and process to the point where the hidden agenda is just trying to make them ‘fit’ my ideal version of them that I have created in my own mind (!) which has little to do with the reality and totality of who a person is and their own self-honesty – their pace to walk things, their nature, their pros and cons, their strengths and weaknesses – as something that needs to be gotten to be known, understood, respected, considered and honored because that’s what this process is about: realizing and understanding our individuality and deciding who we are in relation to each other within that awareness.
This opened up further as I commented on what I learned about those recordings with my partner and that was an enjoyable conversation where I got to consider and look back at my life, the various situations where I have considered myself ‘failing’ – such as in relationships for the most part’ – and based on what my partner shared as well, I got to see and realize what it means to embrace someone’s self-honesty and how much I have been wanting to control, manipulate and justify my desire to ‘change’ people even at a thought level of intent, in order to ‘suit me’ and ‘my ideal’ I have created about them.
This I’ve done especially within the context of partners in personal relationships and how upon discussing the various patterns I found in relation to my past relationships, he assisted me to look at the ‘repeated mistake’ so to speak that I ‘fell for’ every single time – and as much as I might not be seeing ‘the full picture’ now just yet – I did discover that a part of me would simply sugar coat and focus on all the good, all the potentials that I ‘saw’ in a person that I would decide to walk with in a relationship, which made me simply obfuscate, cringe at, brush aside, suppress any reactions to seeing the reality and totality of them in who they are – their ‘negative aspects’ or dare I say the totality of who they are in themselves – which of course Had to happen! Because none of us are perfect human beings, nor will we be to anyone else’s eyes (because each one has their own ‘ideals’ of perfection or what’s the best another can be and so forth, which is a point each one of us can look at because it is extremely limiting) and I had sort of built a trap every single time because of deciding to ‘make things work’ with men I decided to be in a relationship with and focusing on all the ‘good’ and ‘positive’ things I would see in them, and in a way believe that the rest of all that I defined as weaknesses, flaws, ‘problematic behaviors,’ would be ‘sorted out by themselves’ and that ‘I could live with it’, that it would ‘not matter…’
But reality has now shown me that I simply had the wrong starting point every single time which led to the inevitable end by creating a form of disenchantment ‘projected’ – dare I say Imposed – onto them based on the ideal that I had created as the ‘expected’ living potential that I imagined they could be 24/7, and in that simply not living with the reality of them, the facts of the matter which is: we all have our pros and cons and there’s no person that can be ONLY looked through the eyes of ‘all things good and benevolent’ at all. This is the self-deception point that I thought I was considering in my head, but it wasn’t a grounded consideration in terms of Living and applying that realization practically, but it was only an acceptance and allowance at a knowledge level which ended up mostly with me living in denial and saying to myself saying ‘yeah I can handle it’ but reality then would show: nope, you really don’t want to and didn’t consider all things and the reality of the matter in fact.
This leads to compromise and the points I’ve had to look at is why I was willing to compromise myself in order to ‘make something work out’ and then there is a fine balance between working with my own reactions and testing out living with a certain reality, or when living with a certain type of person is simply not part of what I am willing to live with, even if I work through my reactions, judgments etc. And that’s what my self-honesty is, not ‘good’ not ‘bad’ it just is where I am at the moment in my life.
What does that mean? At times I would set myself to be with people I defined to be ‘very challenging’, having particular issues within themselves that I thought I could assist them in figuring them out, so that the potential that I ‘saw’ in them would simply ‘reign’ over all the ‘negative’ stuff so to speak, and they would simply decide to ‘better themselves’ because of the relationship because of ‘being with me’ lol which is conditional and foolish too – which is absolutely compromising and conditional as well when it comes to asking someone ‘to change’ in order to be in a relationship…that’s just a recipe for codependence and disaster. But! I wasn’t aware of how I was standing in that position when I did this kind of calculations and not realizing the kind of disservice I was doing to someone else’s path and process in life, when wanting to – according to me- save them, help them, wanting to ‘achieve’ what I ‘thought’ was best for them… but in that not considering at all who they really are, what their actual intent on themselves and their own life is – sometimes not being anywhere around nearby or even looking at what I was looking – so in other words, I was imposing ‘my expectations’ on them and not considering the facts of who they are, in fact.
I can cringe at the memory of all of this and doing it over and over and over again in relationships, making it ‘ok’ for me to ‘gloss over’ all of those things that I wasn’t genuinely willing to live with – embrace – in another, and simply ‘kept focusing’ on all the ‘good things,’ resulting in creating a polarized way of looking, understanding and perceiving another human being, which is not supportive, not respectful and not honoring myself and them as individuals that in no way are perfect or completely ‘good’ or ‘completely bad’ for that matter.
Morality is usually the trap in this, and as much as I thought I wasn’t acting based on good vs bad assessments, I in fact was, because I got stuck in wanting to have another human being ‘fit my idea of an ideal partner’ and even if I thought I was embracing their struggles, points that are tough to change or that they are not willing to change, I wasn’t entirely considering what it would mean to live with them in the totality of who they are, because I kept ‘hope’ as a major obstacle in this: hoping They would change, instead of focusing on me and what I would have to work with in order to embrace someone else, or make a very factual decision of not being willing to live with that.
I have discussed this before in relation to helping and hope, but the ‘new’ I bring forth here is a second step to this realization, which is how I was essentially repeating the same type of approach in my current relationship, and it is only through sharing my ‘history’ behind this that I could get a grounded understanding on how it all starts with something ‘as simple as’ focusing only on the good, the positive, the agreeable aspects that I see in a partner or potential partner and ONLY focusing on that.
This practically means that in reality, I would still judge, react or suppress my thoughts and experiences when witnessing something that I would dislike about ‘them’ and cover this up with a compensation-thought (justification and reasoning) such as: ‘but they are very good at this/that and they have this/that type of beneficial aspect’ so in way, it was like turning a blind eye to it, not wanting to see it, understand it, admit it or embrace it as part of someone’s nature and self-honesty. I instead built a cocoon around them based on how I wanted to see them and stick to that view, which is what, yes, we as humans mostly do when deciding to engage with someone in a partnership relationship, that’s the infamous saying of ‘seeing someone through the eyes of love’ but! I wasn’t aware I was doing this… until fairly recently lol.
I made a recording called ‘Changing my relationship to memories’ about this explaining how this opened up with my partner – if you want to listen to it – and the examples he gave me, but I realized how much he had been very explicit in disclosing his major ‘defects’ from the very beginning and how he defines himself as being 55% ‘dishonest’ in that sense and disclosing all of the ways in which according to him, defines him as a person that has been living not in truth but in dishonesty and having to lie and cheat in order to make a living at times, in order to have a certain position in his life etc. and how he has managed to change his view on life and therefore towards others to embrace more of his dishonesties and ‘garbage’ as he calls it in order to stop feeling so negative and gloomy about life, which led him to become more authentic in that he is not afraid to admit his ‘garbage’ as he calls it and admit that ‘that’s who he is’ for now and the reasons why he is and how he is not planning to change those aspects for practical reasons in his life at the moment.
When he disclosed this, there was an immediate reaction of wanting to convince him that ‘he has to change those aspects now!’ or ‘that I would not want to be with someone that admits to being 55% garbage and not do anything about it!’ lol, I didn’t go into this kind of inner conflict in an overwhelming manner, but the thoughts that came up were in the nature of ‘I gotta do something to change his view about this’ – yet again! – but the discussion precisely became that of realizing that I precisely Have to Stop trying to manipulate, control and change him and others, for real!
I realized how I had felt always entitled to ‘ask’ this to people based on the situation of being in a partnership and how I felt entitled to demand some form of change in order to ‘stay in the relationship,’ instead of actually deciding to Embrace a person as they are – with their 55% percent of garbage or more, because that’s their self-honesty – and being willing to live with the 100% of who they are because of deciding that the principles they stand on and their personal purpose in life is something that I can live with, without judging, cringing at or secretly wanting them to change aspects that I see as ‘part of the 55% garbage.’
That conversation was sort of life changing for me, because from that moment on, even if he had been quite directive about all the times when I was imposing myself onto him, trying to control him and at times wanting to decide ‘what’s best for him,’ – and me being grateful for the feedback – it would only become that in me, he didn’t even cringe at the fact that I wasn’t changing my approach just ‘realizing’ what I was doing at a thought level but still justifying my imposition towards him.
So from that moment on, I’ve been able to more effectively stop my immediate reactions and responses to things he shares where I would literally behave like a mother that wants their child to ‘behave properly’ and ‘not be a bad person’ type of thing, which means, I would always come up with something that would impose, sometimes demand that such way of looking at things or people needed to be changed because! It didn’t ‘fit’ MY view or values on things, and in this not realizing I was imposing my own self-honesty onto him and others, making this recrimination look ‘good’ in my own eyes, perceiving I was doing a ‘good thing’ in externalizing this view and never questioning how and what it is to truly get to embrace and understand someone’s self-honesty, which means: I don’t need to change it, I don’t need to judge it, I can only work on my own reactions towards it, I need to focus on looking back at what I see I would like ‘someone else’ to change and do that within myself. Then, it becomes a practical assessment of whether I am willing to walk with or be related to someone based on that ‘totality’ of who they are, instead of seeing through a filter of ‘goodness and benevolence’ that leads to suppressing, judging, cringing at things that eventually become memories of things that I realized I wasn’t willing to live with/cope with or embrace in another as a life partner. And this is something that is also a very personal point of self-honesty, which means some people will be perfectly fine with embracing someone’s way of being in its totality, some others won’t – and that’s fine.
The same applies towards me. I realized how much I would put pressure on him on many aspects and it doesn’t create an emotional reaction in him, but simply him pointing out to me that very ingrained nature in me which is that of being a controller and manipulator in essence to have people in my life that I can shape, mold and turn them into what I believe is ‘the best version of themselves,’ but this is not considering the individuality of the other person, at all really. So, yep! I had understood my control-freakism and this stubborn nature at a knowledge level, it’s been merely an understanding or realization.
The point now is to live the actions that lead to a correction of this on a daily basis, and I got a cool match in this case because when living with someone that is not afraid to expose the ‘nasty’ aspects of his relationship with others and how he views things and is definitely tough-headed when it comes to how he likes to be and do things, it creates a more open and continuous challenge for me to not go into judgments, reactions or wanting to immediately ‘create a solution’ for them to change… this is then about me learning to understand, embrace and work with my own reactions towards all of those seemingly ‘bad’ aspects about another – but in fact, this is about learning to not see myself and others through the morality-filter of good or bad any longer, but as parts, aspects of another that are themselves as well, that I can give feedback on or share how I view things in my own life and how I deal with them Without! A secret agenda behind it, hoping that they would listen to my words and change their ways based on my feedback.
No, this is about me for real this time learning to stop reacting, stop wanting to immediately ‘sort someone out’ because I have also begun to understand how MY self-honesty is mine and mine alone, cannot be imposed onto anything or anyone else, that’s my process and I can only share how I walk things, how I approach things, what I decide to live with and what I decide I don’t want to live with. Not about judging, making more or less of something or someone, but about a simple assessment of asking myself ‘what am I willing to live with?’ and assessing my stance in relation to it all.
In the end, based on my various past experiences, If I lie and deceive myself and others, the truth eventually comes out and it will be invariably consequential if I allow myself to not be ‘ok’ with certain things in relationship to another and not voice them out or be frank and honest with myself to realize ‘Ok, I can’t live with this in fact’ and stop hoping that it would eventually change.
I consider that this opened up a cool phase in my relationship now, because we are both fully aware of the point I have to work with and it tests me to not always be having to give some kind of judgment of ‘this is good, this is bad’ and framing a person into a positive or negative light, but simply be willing to understand, get to know someone in the totality of who they are and why not, learning and appreciate them as well. In my case I am grateful for the fact that there is an openness to share things that maybe most people – including myself- would tend to hide and keep secret about ourselves and how we view life, people, situations. So this was also another lesson for me to be OK with sharing, saying the things that I am still aiming to work on and change, and not try and ‘stick to the positive side’ only, or always have ‘the right word to say’ because that also becomes a lockdown to not look at, accept and embrace the things I would usually hide or judge as just ‘plain negative’ and go into a form of denial about myself, which is the same as hiding from a truth that is also me and that I have to look at and work on.
In essence, this is about embracing my own mind as well, as much as I’ve discussed the embracing of someone else, it is about learning to do that for me first n my own life, and seeing that the world won’t fall apart if I start being more open to myself about my true nature, the one that I have kept secret or that I’ve wanted to hide because of wanting to be seen in a positive light. So see how limiting and caging those are? Lol, I’ve known about the dangers of polarizing stuff for a decade, but only now do I ‘get it’ as in really get to see and understand how I was doing that on a daily basis and even more so towards people that I was directly feeling entitled to be more intimate with, such as with partners in relationships.
Having this kind of conversation was quite liberating, it assisted me to understand a bunch of other things in relation to memories and how I was polarizing certain phases and people in my life to fit my own personal agenda, to create a ‘nice story’ about myself where I am the good one and others turn out to be the ‘bad ones,’ definitely not a way to hold anyone’s life captive in memories of good and bad morality judgments. This is about learning to live, embrace, get to know, appreciate and recognize others for who they are, without any further intent other than support, and that doesn’t mean: ‘I want to change them!’ but support them in whichever realizations or points of change they get to – or don’t get to. That’s where I can always decide what and who I share my life with, and this is quite empowering, to say the least.
Ok that’s the story, thanks for reading and definitely check out those Eqafe recordings, because they are very useful and life changing:
Self and Living videos about this as well – even if title doesn’t show at first hand – give them a go and watch them:
EQAFE.Com : SELF Education and SELF Awareness Store
7 Year Journey To Life Process : People Sharing their Processes of Self-Forgiveness and Self-Correction
Desteni Forum : Discuss and share with us