Author Archives: Marlen

About Marlen

I'm a human being that has decided to live by the principle of Life in Equality and place myself as a point of support for everyone that's willing to birth themselves as Life in this world.

435. From Control to Flexibility

 

Being a control-freak or wanting to impose a form of control is definitely an underlying pattern that I played out in the previous situation I shared on ‘hissy-fit’ and transcending it. In essence a cool question that comes up is ‘what am I fearing?’ when seeing that we try and control something. Example, when thinking or being scheming what someone should say, how a situation should develop, how others must behave, what the weather should be like, what someone can/can’t eat or drink, what ‘must’ be done and what ‘must not’ be done… all of these points seem quite exhausting to deal with on a constant basis, and the thing is that it exists as a point of control ‘outside of ourselves’ without realizing it’s in fact first a point of control within ourselves as the mind that is dictating what we are supposed to want/look out for or be careful with. Every time I see this pattern unfolding, it reminds me of certain family members again, wanting to keep a certain image in an almost political way where there is constant PR processes going on, where one would want to control situations and events to what one considers is appropriate and generates no disturbance to our status quo – all entirely fear based.

This point of control is definitely rooted in fear, where we want to keep a certain idea, state or condition of something to please – again – certain idea or belief of oneself, or what others should become to please oneself, how an environment should be to please oneself. I faced a lot of these patterns when living with roommates in a house and having quite a lot of ongoing irritation, anger and frustration for things simply being out of my control at all times, which means: me not being able to impose my will and how I thought things should look like and function around in all ways. I am aware I tend to be dominant, and there is no point in now going into feeling bad about it. There can be constructive ways to use this ability to be in a constant ‘overseeing’ mode of reality in order to be more present, more aware of what’s going on, yet without wanting to control the environment or a situation. Though in this also realizing that me trying to have things work entirely ‘my way’ or have little to no inconveniences is definitely not a possibility in this world where multiple variables are constantly interacting with each other. Hell, not even a ‘god’ could have ultimate control on reality.

So, what word have I been using and practicing to letting go of or managing this pattern of wanting to control? Flexibility and consideration. Flexibility is being able to adapt to whichever outcome emerges that is unforeseen, unpredictable or ‘out of the plans’ and so being able to adapt, move, change in order to integrate such situations while being directive. Otherwise, when fixating to how something ‘must’ go, we are prone to constantly be fighting against reality, constantly creating the most unnecessary frictions and conflicts. So it is better to rather make it a point to make peace with it anyways, with whatever ‘out of the plan’ conditions emerge instead of fighting it or trying to have something or someone work in a particular way. So for example yesterday I said I would not complain for how hot the day was. In the end I was able to do this for the most part, except for the very end when I said that it was a very damn hot day, and started scheming the ways to avoid going out at the same time of the day under the same heat.

Is that the way to go through life? It’s like a constant fighting. Also I see that when others do this ‘PR’ process or ‘damage control’ in a way of ‘everything is fine’ it has bothered me, because I see the flaws behind that but it happens to be that I have done exactly the same, it is another form of control instead of facing the music for what it is and work with it bit by bit.  The question is then what is there to ‘save’ or ‘rescue’ from a mind that thrives of judgments, superiority and inferiority traits, delusional beliefs….? Nothing really.

Whenever I then see myself wanting to control something within an environment or toward another, I rather ask myself what do I fear losing or experimenting or exposing and why? Is it really relevant?

 It is true that not everyone in this world is ready to be fully honest and have this marvelous openness right away, but if one does the little bit of enabling things to unfold as they usually do, without trying to control, we will realize that this is where the actual ‘self-test’ emerges, where we can act and live according to what we face in the moment, challenging or not = it is our reality, we can only arm ourselves with the tools of self-support to develop self-trust over time, realizing that no matter ‘what’ or ‘who’ comes my way, I know I can support me to walk through it and get to a resolution or create solutions that can be supportive in both or more ways.

Sometimes instead of wanting to immediately ‘control’ someone as in preventing them from doing something, it’s a matter of rather communicating the potential outflows or consequential development of something, sometimes even finding third party accounts or stories that can assist a person to consider the same point and so, open up the conversation in common sense to that everyone is aware of the points of responsibility to it all. This is then turning the point of control based on fear – just like parents do with their children when preventing them to do something out of fear, instead of explaining to them how things work, the consequences and so having the child decide and go through it all to learn from it – that’s how you build a sense of responsibility. There the point of control as in preventing others sometimes from ‘fuck ups’ is then turned into a learning process for everyone involved, where even if ‘mistakes’ are made, at least each person would know ‘I did it to myself’ or ‘I created this and I knew what the outcomes would be.’ This way one is instead of controlling, providing certain perspectives or input into something, so that each one can still make their own decisions while one can remain ‘at peace’ because of having explained the reasoning behind one’s attempt to control – or if already prevented – to explain or give a perspective as to why one would or would not do a certain thing with arguments that can be understandable in practical reality terms.

 

I consider that it is best to make some choices being aware of the uncertainty they entail – we cannot predict or control what is going to happen in something – rather than preventing oneself from moving at all because of wanting to control reality, to wait for a better moment to act, to have the perfect conditions for something –that possibly won’t ever arrive by the way – one can instead embrace the unpredictability, while remaining aware of the developments, potential consequences and make decisions based on common sense – considering what is best for all involved – that can lead to the most supportive and potentially effective outcome.

Being flexible there implies not trying to impose oneself onto others, not trying to control their lives, but rather making sure that I can instead share my perspective

 

Control

 

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434. Hissy-Fit: Trance-Ending it.

 

Yesterday I noticed an interesting pattern that I had probably not seen with as much detail as before, simply because there has been a tendency to allow the kind of ‘short fuse’ situations to become a normalcy, especially when walking in the city.

So the story goes this way: it rained a lot the past days and puddles were around many places. I was walking with my partner in the middle of crossing one big avenue when I saw that the lights were red and so, it was time to cross in a short period of time – this city is not designed for pedestrians to begin with – which prompted me to give a bit of a jump and cross. I did not communicate this to him, which caused him to give a sudden jump into one area where there was a large puddle of watery mud. This simple event led me into an immediate experience of being pissed off or irritated, seeing it as ‘stupid’ that such thing could have happened. I started saying out loud to him ‘Didn’t you see where you were stepping? I’ve told you before to watch your step in these fucked up sidewalks!’ because that’s a reality, there’s no smooth ‘walk’ in the city that you can just go walking looking straight ahead of you, because not many places are even/ properly built and/or with wires sticking out, holes, etc.  Even though we were not in a hurry, I noticed that I got flustered about it. Here it is to see that even before asking if he was alright or if he had twisted his ankle or something, to me it was like immediately pointing out what he should have done or how ‘foolish’ the situation was, in a way implying that ‘this should not be happening to us right now.’

As we kept walking, he would stopped twice to clean the shoes and his sock, so at some point I said to him we should instead just sit in a place so that he can properly, clean the shoe, check his foot etc. But my tonality was of course already coming with this harshness, to which he asked if I was pissed, and laughing a bit out of it. It’s great because he usually just don’t follow with my every now and then bursts of whatever fit I tend to create, he just points it out and that moment I realized what I was doing. I reminded me of what I had written just hours before and applied precisely the point that I had written on not being hard on others, to be considerate, to be humble, to be patient.

So I ‘stepped down of my fit’ and said ‘ geez, yes, I got pissed but there’s no reason for it! Why am I even pissed! I should instead first ask if you are ok, if your foot is ok.’ So, it took a simple moment to question this sudden hissy fit, to then immediately see ‘wait, what am I pissed off about? This doesn’t even make sense!’ So, again, I apologized and then as we kept walking I was able to see the whole point being mostly a pattern I’ve seen or witnessed in my father. Whenever my mother would do something ‘less than perfect’ especially while traveling, moving or being out and about, he would point it out to her with certain anger/annoyance, almost in a way wanting her to know that ‘she’d fucked up,’ in a way it is like scolding. Actually now I remember that my partner pointed out exactly the point that made me see this precise pattern, something around the lines of ‘What is it? You cannot tolerate that which messes up your status-quo, is it unacceptable?’ And so I was able to see that, yes, anything that ruins this ‘perfected idea’ of what our walk in that moment was going to be got ‘screwed up.’

So, I completely stepped down of the experience as I saw how abusive it was. Is this at all something acceptable? Absolutely not, I could even get embarrassed from admitting I can get flustered about things like this; though this emerged, lasted some ten minutes because through communicating and doing my own ‘introspection’ in the moment, I was able to see the reason for it, the ‘learned behavior’ and this ‘perfectionism’ that makes me cringe every time something unexpected happens.

Then after some minutes I explained this point to my partner, how I need to be flexible when things don’t go as expected and how there is no reason to get pissed at it and instead focus on practical matters – like checking he’s physically doing alright. One supportive thing is that he doesn’t hold a grudge for it or changes the way he addresses me for it, we have learned throughout the various months of living together to not hold on to a moment of reactions, but to rather speak through it, get to an understanding, and a future consideration to prevent further moments like this.

From my perspective this kind of behavior is more of a physical and automated response that contains almost no thoughts, just sudden ‘pissed-offness’ that I wasn’t able to pin point at first when only remaining in an experience. It was through communication and then doing some further ‘inner-research’ that I was able to understand it. Yet what is most important is the ability to let go of the experience in the moment, to relax the body, to ensure all is clear in relation to the situation and keep on with the day, not holding onto it at all, but understanding the reaction and ensuring one gets to establish principles, words and corrections for any other ‘occasion’ this or any other similar point could show up.

I also see the benefit of voicing the words, the considerations for any other time or moment where something ‘unexpected’ happens, this means sharing with whomever you are so that we hold ourselves to our word with others that are close to us as well, and create an all-around learning process from it, instead of allowing it to ‘ruin’ a moment for a petty situation.

 

Not breathing

 

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Life Review – Short Fused Temper Tantrums

 

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433. Humbleness and Consideration

 

I want to share about a process of living certain words to correct certain traits like being demanding/exigent, controlling, bossy and authoritarian, imposing my views/my ways onto others in an almost dictatorial way. I had not become aware of this until I started walking a relationship with a person that particularly reacts and/or noticeably dislikes any form of authoritarianism or clear-cut black or white impositions in a way of ‘do-as-I-say-so.’ Therefore of course, upon the clashes in this regard, I was able to see how much I tend to create an expectation of ‘how things should be/ how people should act’ and if this does not ‘match’ my ideal, then I get irritated at it.

Now, the first thing I had to do in order to recognize this is when seeing that I was the only one making a big deal out of a situation – which means reacting in my mind –  and that I had been the only one that assumed/created an ideal expectation of how something would have to be done/acted upon. When talking out this particular clash of me reacting to something being ‘short of my expectation,’ I realized how I had not at all considered the other person, their life, their background, the process they’ve walked in their life and so, in my own head I assumed that he would act/do things in a certain way in a particular environment. So here, upon realizing this as I walked the point with him, I had to ‘eat humble pie’ and walk a moment of stopping ‘making my point’ as in wanting to hold on to righteousness, and instead step down from my ‘horse’ to change my stance toward the situation into one of humbleness and consideration. 

I realized how much I put pressure upon another based on my sudden reaction to an expectation that I had in no way shared or communicated to the other person, nor had I realized it wasn’t a common sensical expectation but it was all built within me according to my mind/my views/ my ways. When listening how the other person lived that same situation in their mind, I realized that my own consideration, my own expectations were nowhere to be seen in that mindset, because they were not  entirely common sensical considerations, but more of an exigency that I’ve learned through ‘familiar tradition’ in this case, which my partner had no idea or reference of.

So, first thing that I suggest to anyone facing a similar situation is to immediately shift from righteousness and believing that ‘my way or the highway’ is the right stance, into practically live humbleness and consideration. This is a directive move to rather hear what the other person has to say, not react in any way to their words but understand where they are coming from, consider their living context, the past experiences that influence them, the lack of awareness or reference of other certain aspects that I did not make a point to share beforehand. I realized how specific I had to be now in order to ensure that I am not the only one having a ‘clear idea’ about something, but that I share about it, cross reference if he is ok with it and if not to work out through the points until we both understand each other and agree to a certain outcome or resolution. In this of course, there is also the process of doing the same on his side too, recognizing what can be improved, considered, practiced, applied in spite of resistances or challenges to do so, considering it is usually something he hasn’t ever lived or applied. So it takes two to tango in this for sure and it’s been rather cool to seeing him do the same as I have described above at times, realizing there’s no need to shout to make a point – this only makes things worse – but speak calmly, as clear as possible and with the firm intent to assist each other to see and understand something.

When deciding to live humbleness in this regard, I realized how many times not only now but in the past I have only considered ‘me’ in my expectations and assuming that everyone else ‘should be on the same level’ as in understanding/seeing the same I do, especially when being in a close relationship. I’ve thus now been continually learning to be more considerate of another’s mind, process, life experiences, patterns when interacting with them, and so realized how much I make a fuss about things in a demanding way, like being very exigent of ‘how this should have been done’ or ‘how you should have acted with x people’ – when in fact, these were all my expectations, my particular ‘quirks’ that I had not even questioned within myself before. So, in a way it was also important to ask forgiveness because I understood how much pressure this also created in the other person upon essentially demanding them to be/do something that they had no idea or reference of.  This also clarified a lot the previous stance where I took a ‘haughty’ position of having been wronged, when it was essentially the other way around in a misunderstanding or lack of communication situation.

I realize how I have this same tendency in many other aspects in my interactions with others, wherein I see something that could be done differently, that I need to ‘let others know’ of in a way to correct them, to show them ‘why they are wrong’ about something. But this is mostly a stance that would come through in an imperative manner, which implies having a starting point and stance of knowing better, being superior or having this idea that others are not capable of doing or handling something. This is all of course only ego and superiority traits that don’t assist others at all, because one gives feedback almost in a complaint-manner, offering no solutions, nor considering the impact it makes on others to come across in a very bossy manner.  

So for example today when recalling this point with my partner, he explained how sometimes I can bring up some facts about certain things he cannot do, and turn it into a sort of amazement in a way of saying ‘how is it possible that you still cannot do it!’ considering that to me it is a simple thing, a natural thing and so expecting that ‘it should be simple for others to do so as well.’ Well, I have to realize it is not. So he suggested I instead assist in that moment to verbalize points of reference so that he also pushes himself to be more aware of the point, to practice memorizing certain things, and so be more ‘here’ and aware of surroundings. I realized how much my remarks – even if my intent is not of ridicule – can be perceived as such, because I am not supporting another, but only pointing out in a sense of ‘amazement’ how something is not yet part of his natural abilities. This is a lack of consideration and so, what I will do from now on is watch myself to not make these unnecessary remarks, but instead turn it immediately into a feedback process where I usually then ask questions to see what is lacking, where is a misunderstanding, how can I assist and identify the ‘weak link’ in the process. All of this done of course in a very humble manner, with the sole starting point of wanting to assist another to develop themselves, not having a high-pitched demanding voice or a tonality of desperation, irritation or plain annoyance, that will get one nowhere in this life when talking to another.

I also just now see that gentleness is the word that also is then lived when moderating one’s voice and pace of words when walking through a misunderstanding, where usually if one fires up, the other one follows. It is definitely cool to apply then this humbleness, consideration and gentleness when communicating to clear up a situation and in essence, be more creative when considering solutions all the time, instead of rehashing the problem in an attempt to blame or keep one’s ‘pride’ untouched. It is mostly lame and even difficult when trying to ‘save face’ as some say and keeping one in this mode of ‘I am right and you are wrong’ it truly leads nowhere but further problems.

Now I enjoy actually the process of recognizing: yes, I realize I fucked up in that moment, sorry about not considering you in this – from now on I will ask you, reference it and ensure I communicate all details so that we both are on the same page on this. I will also share what I see you can also consider to apply, yet not forcing it upon you, you decide how you apply the principles in that moment and what you are comfortable doing.

It really takes nothing but humbleness to do this, and patience as well considering how many times things can repeat, to not get flustered about it, but to apply that consideration, patience and humbleness as many times as it is needed.

Today it was actually great to get feedback on some points he sees that he’s bettered himself at, and the points he still struggles with, which I realized the best support also exists by sharing my own examples of what I’ve walked, and when I haven’t lived something he’s dealing with, I share examples of other people I have worked with/walked with in similar patterns and how they have come to trance-end /transcend certain points in their lives. This is the kind of living examples or ‘living feedback’ that is of most value, to show how change is possible and so be willing to take the time to walk with the person in such assistance, to take them by the hand with care, consideration and humbleness into becoming something that they haven’t yet seen themselves being capable of being or becoming.

Through doing this, I’ve also then been able to be more aware of my tendencies to control, to impose, to be authoritarian and generally bossy. I’ve been learning a lot and I’m grateful for being able to change it in real time and live the difference this makes, how else would I have been able to spot these aspects that exist in me?

Thanks for reading.

 

Don't Be Hard on Yourself

 

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432. Don’t Want To Be Part of Life?

 

Something interesting happened when I considered writing about exigencies and enforcement, since I can relate to having those aspects coming through me when lacking humbleness and consideration toward others. Today I received a comment to one of my previous blog entries sharing about those that do not want to participate in walking a process of living life in a way that is supportive, nor do they perceive themselves to be doing ‘any harm.’ But, at the same time they perceive that they are somewhat ‘forced’ to stay alive or agree with the changes that some people in this world – including myself – see are necessary, for the betterment of it of course.

It is an interesting position I’d say, because such kind of ‘neutrality’ to me is really not existent from this perspective. We are in this world and there can only exist the belief, the comfortable idea that ‘I harm no one, I only exist here, I was only brought into life without asking for it, therefore I am not responsible for anything that is here, I do not want any form of change nor do I want to be part of it.’

From my perspective and own experience it is very difficult to turn a blind eye to the reality in this world, and it is even more difficult to try and ‘cope with it’ with all sorts of reasons, excuses or taking anything ‘extra’ to ‘soothe the pain.’ There’s also some that perceive that because they have not been assisted/supported in this world, then should not be expected to be part of supporting oneself/others/life on Earth back. To go straight to the point, I’d say it is a spiteful stance believing that one can exist here and hold no accountability or liability for our sheer existence.

I know, I know, self-responsibility can be the scariest thing to realize upon looking at the reality we live in, but to think or believe that ‘I am Not part of the problem’ is a point of self-beatification in a way, believing one is immaculate and affects nothing and no one in this world – therefore self-sustained in some miraculous way – and because one does no harm = there is no point of responsibility to the whole either. From my perspective and understanding, this is more of a nice lie we like to whisper to ourselves in our heads to not be able to face the music, as it’s usually said.

Now, back to the point of enforcement. It is true that I cannot conceive the existence of someone that would not want to be part of the process of creating a better world, a better life, not only for oneself but for everyone else – and in this of course including and considering every single being that we disregard as merely being ‘of another species’ or ‘microorganisms’ or ‘dead elements’ that actually compose life on Earth. If anything this should be our reason to continue existing in this world, to continue exposing the need for a change of mind, a change in self to become part of the solutions in this world and stop being the problem; but at the same time, I have shattered my own gullibility throughout the years and gotten to know other people that definitely do not agree with my perspective and principles.

I can understand how there are some people that can perceive that life has forgotten them, have not gotten any form of support to live in decency, have been rejected or kicked out of any sort of social system for not having certain education, skills, etc. But, it is also true that there is a decision in each person to either hold on to this all as an eternal form of victimization, or decide to recognize that yes, life has not been ‘peachy’ for everyone – yet, there is a need to do something about it, starting with ourselves.

More so now than a decade ago, this wave of awareness on the changes needed in this world is kicking with full strength I’d say, which is awesome. Yet, one of the things that would prevent oneself from being part of that new awareness, is holding on to the past, to the scorn, to the resentment to life/society/the world or particular individuals in our lives that have ‘wronged’ us and so, becoming an excuse to not have any intent of change. To me this is keeping ourselves in a definitive enslavement through one’s own will. If anything I would ask: why would someone want to hold on to a limited life, one where oneself sees that there is no space for ‘me’ in this new wave of change and awareness in this world? Why would I want to exclude myself from being part of something that I am – by default-  a part of already, and that is actually meaningful beyond any point of ego-interest, standing for something that will benefit me and many others as well?

I cannot deny that at some point I could have been in that realm of ‘do whatever you want and leave me alone’  just because I was in the mindset that it was someone else’s fault and not mine, kind of leaving me in the realm of ‘I haven’t been part of the mess’ and comfortably – more like cynically – pointing fingers at those that are the usual piñatas to hit and blame for our problems. And even at times now, I may still struggle at times with being able to embrace constructive outcomes, because it’s quite known by now – or read this entire blog otherwise – that I was in the kind of easy-way-out “solutions” person like expecting some massive destruction that would reduce all human race to dust, in the end realizing that this was only to not face the actual consequences of our actions and inactions throughout our human path on Earth, in essence: do something about it.

A few years ago I had the firm idea that everyone would want to be part of a solution, that it just made ‘perfect sense’ that someone would want to support themselves, to get the gist of what self-responsibility implies when it comes to living in this world. But, unfortunately, as common sensical as this may be for many, it is also something very difficult for others to acknowledge, to recognize. It is difficult because of the past experiences mostly, a way of self-definition where one wants to hold on to having been wronged in life and so, not wanting to be part of the new possibilities. Some years ago, I would probably had said ‘everyone has to be part of this change’ – but, realistically speaking and having had more experience with people and getting to know them and their reasons, it is so that of course it is not a point to impose or enforce to anyone, it is ultimately a decision one makes about it.

In a way I’d say that it’s not even so much about deciding to ‘not be part of it,’ because if you are here in this world as a human or any other form/being that is part of this reality = you are already part of it, the interdependence exists by default whether one wants to acknowledge it or not. So, I’d say that it is only one’s ego as one’s memories, idea of self, perceptions, judgments and holding on to it all that can prevent oneself from deciding to acknowledge self responsibility and decide to  – at the very least – support themselves at an individual level to live an honest life, of self-support.

This is ultimately a decision to see, engage, motivate and move oneself to be part of it – or (un)comfortably deny that one sees the need for a change in oneself, in the world system, in our everyday survival and keep a blind eye to it. Precisely today I was pointing out how once one takes the red pill – like in the Matrix movie – there is no way back, and one can probably go  bit insane in trying to ‘undo’ this awareness of who we are, what we’ve done and the responsibility we have to it all.

If anything it is easier for me to understand the fear to acknowledge the responsibility to it all. I can also understand the illusion of comfort that this notion of ‘not being part of anything’ brings, which is in fact a denial of that which is self-evident: one cannot exist ‘alone’ and affecting no-one, that is pure physics. Life is a series of relationships and as such no-life cannot exist without relationships. And if you bring up this fluffy idea of relationships in your mind when reading the word ‘relationships,’ definitely need to redefine the word to see that everything exists in relationships in this reality, as that is what enables life on Earth.

In addition to this all, life as physical bodies that are part of this world – as the individuals we are and coexist – need from one another to continue living. The physicality in itself would not deny in any way this interdependence, this coexistence, this ultimate ‘oneness and equality’ that exists here; it is only in the mind that we concoct any argument, justification and ultimately an excuse to defend one’s limitation, one’s ego-interest and here I’d ask the question: well, who benefits?

The only thing that comes up for me is, I would not want to be in the shoes of a person that has gotten to be aware of proposed ways and solutions to make of one’s life and that of others a better one and still decide to think that remaining in one’s egg-shell is the way to continue existing. Yet, I’ve learned as well that as I’ve said many times before, I cannot impose or enforce change onto others. I can only share my own experience,  what has driven me to step out of my own egg-shell and continue to expose the very well-known mind traps to remain in a seemingly ‘safe zone of comfort’ by believing one is not liable to anything in this world.

My responsibility and principle is to share and expose how this position of being ‘neutral’ to it all is a comfortable lie, because I’ve been there and done that only to notice how miserable I was becoming because of refusing to actually see life beyond my own (knows) nose.

Life is not a choice, because if you are here and exist, you are already alive. But I’d say that actually living an honorable, self-supportive life is an actual choice that each one will decide for oneself to do. It cannot be enforced; it can only be shown and shared by example, it must be self-realized, self-recognized. The best thing is that each one will make that decision to actively take part in it or not, and ultimately it is not about ‘others,’ but about oneself: are we willing to live with ourselves for the rest of our existence knowing the decisions we’ve made might have been actually dictated by a mind that thrives on self-sabotage and self- deprecation?

So, to you writing the comment, I would suggest to reconsider the fact that it is truly you not wanting to be ‘part of life’ – or if it is just an idea, a concept, a bit of information that makes everything seemingly ‘easier’ when in fact it prevents one from stepping outside of the cage and learning how to actually live, for real. Why would one deny to oneself one of the greatest ‘gifts’ anyone can ever give to oneself, free of charge?

What will you decide? Who will decide for you?

My ultimate suggestion, give yourself a chance.

 

 

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431. Recognizing the Potential in Ourselves

 

One of the points that came up for me today was the ability to recognize the potential in others and within this, be able to use that awareness of what we see another is able to be and become. I consider this is one of the things that have assisted me in being able to see past certain habits, traits, personalities, ego-feuds in order to get to ‘seek out’ and ‘unearth’ the actual potential in myself and others – and in a way, get to see the real being that is somewhere there in the background, behind the usual presentations that we get to know ourselves with: our habits, traits, emotional fits, quirks, manners, traumas, judgments etc. In essence it means being able to see a person beyond what they could have becomes as their mental design, their ‘disguise’ yet have a willingness to change, to assist themselves to become essentially a better person, to give the most of themselves for their benefit and that of others.  This is the potential of change that exists in every single one of us.

In this process of learning how to actually live and become an individual that stands with living principles, sometimes we hold ourselves captives to our past and believe that we cannot change, that we will always remain the same, that we cannot get past the usual problems – but if we actually dare to apply this recognition process, to really step back and look at who we were in the past, and what kind of decisions  we’ve made to actually assist ourselves, we will start giving ourselves a bit more of a recognition of what we’ve done, the path we’ve walked thus far and what is yet to come,  yet to be aligned and fine tuned  to learn from our everyday experiences and interactions. This is what I see this process in itself is, to learn how to live and push a bit further every time to continue discovering our own potential, to learn from the past mistakes to not repeat them and stick to creating and living that which we can in fact be and become with dedication, consistency and a deliberate decision to step out of the old patterns and become a person that we can live with for the rest of our existence.

The ability to recognize this potential in others comes when one has been able to identify such potential within oneself first, when one has seen that underneath the mind clutter of personalities, ego traits and the rest of the ‘programs,’ one is able to see one’s real self, ready to be placed into use to strengthen oneself, to look past any judgments, to be accountable, to learn self respect, to learn how to cooperate with others, to be humble, to learn from mistakes, to be ok with failure and learning to stand up again, to learn how to build supportive relationship, to learn what it means to go past one’s fears and limitations – all of these points are there for us to live if we make the decision to not feed the old patterns, the usual egotistical traits that feel ‘safe’ because it’s all we’ve ever known, but instead be willing to step into the actual process of creating oneself as something that one probably could have never conceived one could be or become, and then recognize that the fears and limitations were nothing  but a masquerade that we thought we were proudly wearing as ‘who we are.’

Once that one starts seeing glimpses of one’s potential, it is very vital to remind ourselves of and take note of the processes we’ve walked to actually ‘dig out’ this potential and to keep track of the changes in oneself, so that there is always a point of reference we can go back to whenever we get to feel that ‘we were born living our potentials’ when in fact, unfortunately it is not at all how our lives as human beings work at the moment. It is a process and forgetting it usually leads to the perception that either we haven’t changed or this is how we’ve always been, or missing out the ability to relate to others that are in their initial processes of change. As a point of reference, reading past journals and blog entries is assisting to see how I could have not been able to remember certain things I used to think about or experience, that I see I would definitely not be saying/thinking in the same manner now as I did before.

It’s also crucial to consider that when reaching any point of potential or finding a clear drive and motivation to do things, this should always be measured according to its starting point – asking questions is usually a great way to get to know oneself and one’s real ‘drive’ in it: is it to glorify myself? Is it to prove others wrong? Is it to make up for my past mistakes? Is it to feel better about myself? Is it because I want to be accepted by others? Is it because I want to feel like what it is like to be ‘the best’ or be ‘at the top’? Is it because I want the money and the good life? Is it because it will make me find a great partner? Is it because I want to stop feeling like a loser? Is it because I want to trump others that have done me wrong? Is it because I want to show that I can better than everyone else…? And the beat goes on…

If there’s something I suggest one always takes into consideration is humbleness when achieving certain life goals or starting to live certain potentials. If anything, any point of empowerment should not be defined as such if it only benefits the same ego/idea of ourselves that merely exists in comparison/in contrast to others.

To me it is clear that any advantage position in any point or aspect in our lives, should stand as a point of extra responsibility to consider others that are not yet ‘there’ in living their full potential yet, to be humble in considering each one’s living process, their past, their traits and skills, their weaknesses yet to be turned into strengths  – in essence, to always have a firm idea that one cannot be in any position of leadership if there is no actual empathy, humbleness, consideration toward others that have yet to be assisted to start digging out their potential.

Also, not giving up on others is essential, not judging them, not holding them captive within their ‘usual flaws’ but to always rather assist others  – and of course ourselves – to remind us of what we have actually managed to create, to build within ourselves, what we have managed to change, what we have managed to overcome and so stands as prove that ‘change is possible.’ This might sound like something ‘easy’ to do, but it’s not always something that can be readily done if there isn’t a personal process of an individual deciding to create an actual change for the better in their lives.

Seeing a potential begins with oneself, then we extend it toward others and from there as one goes living this potential, it is about remaining grounded, assertive, reminding oneself of the path walked, the points yet to be aligned, the fails and mistakes we will still make to learn from them and the potentials yet to develop. This is another way I’d say we can practically live the word ‘recognition’ in a supportive manner, for oneself and for others, who are an extension of ourselves anyways.

 

 

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430. Recognition

When looking at redefining a word,  an exercise is to see what kind of associations do I have in relation to it, what kind of memories are attached to this word that could prevent me from actually redefining it and living the word in a supportive manner. So this is a work in progress to redefine the word recognition in a team, which means each one will look at their relationship to the work and draw some main points to bring on the table to finalize the definition that can be relatable and supportive for others in this process of learning how to live words.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to link the Word recognition to the idea of being clapped at by an audience upon gaining some kind of prize or recognition for doing ‘well’ in something, and so becoming the center of attention for everyone else in that one moment, without realizing that this is what I imprinted within me based on how the diplomas in school – year by year  at the end of it – would read ‘reconocimiento’ as in ‘recognizing’ and my name plus the point of participation, achievement or award gotten in school or other contests, wherein I would end up being the ‘winner’ of either of the three places given to students with certain achievements and within this, creating a polarity relationship of recognition based on not wanting to only be recognized or known by others for ‘being the good student’ but at the same time, considering that I had earned it so, it was my right to be recognized that way.

So in this I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to dislike getting any form of recognition because of having had the experience of seeing this recognition as a form of superiority-value that detached me or separated me from the rest of the people, made me ‘special’ in a way, which led me to dislike getting any form of praise or recognition due to how unequal this felt, but at the same time getting used to it and so, if there was no recognition to me, I would feel as not good enough or somewhat invisible – all of this due to how I got ‘used to’ being singled out as better than/special, in spite of knowing that this is not what I am comfortable with – yet I accepted it as a self definition.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to divert my starting point of doing things for the sake of being seen/recognized by others in any way, which means that I was not in fact doing things in my life for me, as my expression but many times were ways to get particular people’s attention, to be recognized/acknowledged by others and so ‘gain’ some space in their reality – all of this because of a perception of not having been good enough for it, or not being ‘special’ enough and/or being flawed in other ways and so making it up by building a certain personality that I knew could be recognized by others that I was interested to be in relationship with.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to see myself as being recognized only for a few particular traits as part of ‘who I am’ and so, deliberately building a personality that could be eccentric or overtly expressive and ‘unique’ in a way to step out of the cliché of only being a ‘good student in school’ and so, seeking to now be recognized as being somewhat that is cool and ‘in’ and ‘special’ because of being ‘different’ to most people in terms of attitude and looks and so forth – which is nothing else but building a persona to be recognized by others in a way that I did like. This means that it was all made for praising my ego and not at all in any way for supporting myself and my expression.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to at times having pushed myself a lot to do certain things to ‘prove myself to others’ and so be recognized for being intelligent, special, unique even ‘strong’ in the sense of not being weakened easily – all of this to overcome my own vulnerability which accompanied me most of my young phases of my life, and in doing this also wanting to be recognized as someone that cannot be hurt or someone you cannot mess with. All of this again to cover up for the actual inferiority and vulnerability I would experience as well.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to live the paradox of disliking certain types of recognition, while at the same time seeking to be recognized for particular preferred ‘traits’ or personalities that I considered I wanted to value myself with in order to be liked, accepted by others that I had a specific interest to be liked/appreciated/acknowledged by.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold this belief that recognition is something that is given from others to oneself and that one cannot recognize oneself only, because that means I am not ‘valued’ by others, which is a false equation there, believing that one does not have validity if we don’t exist as ‘some value’ for others. And this is where one abdicates the ability to recognize oneself and others based on what  people or things are in themselves, without the need to ‘value’ but just by sheer acknowledgement.

It is also funny because whenever I had done something ‘bad/wrong’ as a child, my mother would say’ have you seen what you have done??’ and I would say ‘yes I recognize it’ but that was involved with yes I recognize it AND take the blame for it, so also to short circuit that idea that with recognizing comes some blame or ‘price to pay’ to rather see it as ‘Ok how did I fuck up? How can I correct this? How can I learn from a mistake or failure?

recognize or recognise
n    verb
1    identify as already known; know again. Ø(of a computer or other device) identify and respond correctly to (a sound, character, etc.).
2    acknowledge the existence, validity, or legality of. Øformally acknowledge that (a country or government) is eligible to be dealt with as a member of the international community.
3    reward formally.
4    (of a person chairing a meeting or debate) call on (someone) to speak.

I see that to live the word recognition it would imply being aware of myself/my life, to know me, to acknowledging me as what I am, what I am doing, what I’ve done and within that rather assess/recognize the points that need to be changed/aligned and also to acknowledge that which I’ve accomplished/achieved in a way that assists me in this process of aligning to what is best for myself and so best for others in acknowledging what is outside of myself as well and apply the same principle.

This way, I am the one living recognition, giving myself that time to reflect, to acknowledge, to take responsibility for or to simply say ‘well done’ in any point that I’ve found I’ve been able to complete/achieve in a way that supports me and my life. In this, the ‘value’ of oneself is not built by others perceptions as I used to, it is a self-recognition, a self-assessment based on being aware of one’s words, deeds and being honest to see what needs to be changed, what requires fine tuning, where did I miss my own direction, where was I tempted or lured by an experience instead of deciding with common sense? And so this becomes more of a word that enables one’s own feedback loop so to speak rather than a series of judgments, beliefs, perceptions that we create within ourselves and project toward others.

 

 

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429. What Relationships Can Be In This World

I just remembered how when I was growing up and going through school, I saw the disparity that existed between people. I used to be the one that would always get it ‘all right’ and it truly saddened me to see that others could see themselves as not being able to do something, getting sad and nervous because of not being able to achieve something or perform in something, or perceiving themselves as not good enough or simply truly weren’t able to create a certain outcome for themselves: a project, an exam, a task, understanding some kind of exercise in any subject. In this, within reflecting about what we truly need to create in this world, common sense dictates that it is definitely not a series of relationships based on competition, comparison, wanting to be ‘on top of others’ or deliberately sabotage others in order to perceive oneself to be ‘winning’ – and the same goes for the opposite side where we deliberately sabotage ourselves, set ourselves to lose and become plainly apathetic, angry or depressed about virtually everything, not wanting to live –  instead, I consider that creating relationships of mutual support  is what is needed in our world.

I read the other day someone’s post where they pointed out how there is a ‘life coach for almost everything nowadays,’ which is so in an era where anything can be turned into a business – yes, virtually anything – and so the person concluded  that each one should instead be their own life coach. I wholeheartedly agree on the latter since the whole problem in this world is that we have become blind by our consent and led to the slaughterhouse with tricks and gimmicks that we wholly bought into, because we didn’t know any other form of self-respect – we can forgive ourselves for that… But, the point of applying any form of self-support and self-improvement is to eventually get to a point where one does not depend on any other person to get to see the common sense in any situation, to get to learn to trust oneself, to learn to make decisions, to face the mistakes and consequences, essentially to learn how to live, how to motivate oneself without expecting the carrot on the stick the next moment and reach one’s utmost potential within the consideration and foundation of what is best for all – whichever this potential/expression may be for each person in their lifetime.  

However, throughout these years I learned that we are unfortunately not born with an intrinsic set of abilities, considerations and realizations to become this self-improved version of oneself from the get-go. I wish it was like that, that we had common sensical parents, education systems, families, media, politicians, entertainment and the whole rest of things and people that we are influenced by and consume throughout our lifetime, having little to no reference of how things could be ‘better.’ And if it was so that one we didn’t need  to learn or support ourselves from others, it would be obvious by now: we would not have the mess of the world we have now, let me fine tune that: the mess of the people we have become in this world.

So, I then reflected on myself. Sure, I had some ‘qualities’ that people in the system would have regarded as ‘remarkable’ but none of it was of factual substance, it didn’t benefit anything or anyone but a ‘mark’ on myself and my ego. Any personal success sure felt ‘good’ but at the same time it felt completely contrived, my life was not satisfying even if ‘I had a good life.’ So what was really missing? Well every time I looked around and saw that this reality of ‘success in all’ didn’t exist to everyone, available for everyone, I would get depressed and sad because come on! who the hell can enjoy the sight of misery? No one in their common 5 senses. 

When I started walking this process 8 years ago now, I realized that the much hoped for ‘change in the world’ that I expected to be created or emerge by the hand of some ‘god’ or ‘force of nature’ out there, had to be in fact started by myself, by supporting me and allowing myself to actually be supported by others that were doing the same for themselves. This is in fact the greatest gift I was able to give to myself when it was made available as such – as it is currently now for everyone that wants to support themselves as well – unconditionally, with no second agendas other than applying the principle of what it means to be ‘one and equal’ in fact, of understanding the necessity we all have to stand up, assist ourselves to become the best versions we can be of ourselves and so, change the world.

Would I have been able to immediately, without any help/support, be able to ‘stand up’ within myself and now stand as support for others too?  Absolutely and honestly, no. I was too emotional to have been able to see past those experiences and discover my inner strength, to realize what I was in fact able and capable of being in my life, which has been possible throughout this process which does involve having other people being there for you to assist us, to suggest directions, to remind ourselves of what we may already be aware of at some level but haven’t been paying enough attention to realize that we do have a potential to be this best version we can of ourselves, we just have covered it up with fears, beliefs, judgments, opinions, ideas, distorted and often disrespectful imaginations of ourselves. This is where I realized that I in fact needed that helping hand, and how grateful I am for it because I would not be who I am now If I hadn’t made the decision to walk this process, to actually join a group of self-support and let go of all of my fears or ideas that I had related to ‘being part of a group of self-support’ no matter how hard it was to let go of my idea that ‘I could do it by myself’ too, which I’ve realized is mostly ego at times when I know and have from time to time reference how supportive it always is to have another pair of eyes and ears to reference one’s choices and decisions in life.

What I understood from the first day I decided to in essence walk this process and change my life, is that I wanted to be able to assist in this process of ‘changing the world’ by changing ourselves. I wanted to be part of the team of people that could in the same way that I was being assisted to stand up for once and for all, also assist others in doing the same in their lives. Today me and the same group of people that have walked this process for over 8 years together, were reflecting about how satisfying it is to actually assist oneself and assist others to become ‘the better version of themselves they can be’ or ‘to reach their utmost potential,’ in essence, to become part of that change that we so dearly want to create in this world.

I can honestly say that I had not realized how I am in fact doing what I have been seeking to do since I was a very little girl. I tried helping people with studying and learning stuff, since that’s what I was programmed to be ‘good at’ I guess, but that’s not really something entirely useful for the rest of our lives. Assisting another to actually develop their inherent abilities and qualities to live life to the best of each one’s ability and become an extra-ordinary person is definitely something that is in all sense of the word, priceless and fully satisfying.

So, I mentioned how it would be awesome if we all had relationships in this world that were as supportive as the ones that we have between ourselves as a group of self-support. And the reality is that: we can! We only have to make the decision to do so, all that it takes is first doing this for ourselves, to be humble enough to realize: yes, I require some support, I can benefit from some assistance in learning how to support myself, to direct myself to eventually be trusting myself to not only keep doing this for me, but also extend this support to others. I also understand that some people can have the capacity, skills and general discipline it takes to do this for yourself, to be your own ‘life coach’ if you will: my hats off to them if they truly consider they can do it by themselves… but I can only speak for my life and the situations where I had to be humble enough to realize: I needed some help because I was a bit lost at the time.  And! it is an ongoing process, because it’s a continuous feedback loop to learn from, to nurture ourselves from each other and from whichever each one lives in our day to day.

This is not just buying or paying for a service that you get as a form of therapy, this is not a one person you don’t know that gets to listen to you for hours. I as many others involved in supporting other individuals, in fact walk with one another side by side, as equals in the process  – we do this because we not only understand that everyone at some point in their lives need a hand, need some support, need some guidance, but also because we understand that if we have an ultimate view of this world being able to be something better than what it is now, we don’t have to go that far to try and ‘change the world’ as an unintelligible mess, but to rather take the first steps and start with ourselves, one by one. It is also because it is part of living the principles that I decided to align myself in this life: do onto others as you’d like to be done onto you. And in a more directive manner as it happened to me: do to others what others unconditionally have done in support of you and your life in this world. This is invaluable.

The relationships created with this group of people I work/communicate with are something that I would not change for the world. It is not just a one way ‘coach-trainee’ relationship, it is not a leader-follower relationship, it is beyond that. It is about human beings that decide to assist and support each other for an entire lifetime if needed until the person stands in self-trust and sufficient confidence so that they now can be a pillar of support and assistance to others that are equally willing to assist and support themselves. This is not a facilitator-receiver process only, this is one deciding to get involved with the person in a process where through communication, week after week, throughout years,  a real bond is created, an actual care for another is developed, ensuring that one is there as a point of reference when our compass seems to get a lost and continue to support in the development of all the qualities and skills that each person discovers they can bring forth or create as part of this self-creative path.

This is the process of weaving the relationships, the community, the network of people that are and will continue to change the way that we live in this world, and so change it in fact.  This is the real reward: not money, not recognition, not ‘feeling good’ only for a moment or positive highs, or relationships of monetary interest, not at all. This is the actual creative process for a person to realize who they really are and can be in this life not only for themselves, but for the common good of everyone and everything else, while developing relationships with people from around the world for a lifetime. That’s what real friendships and relationship should be about in my humble opinion.

I dare you to find this out for yourself.

 

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428. How to Stop the Despair about the World?

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There are times when what one is doing toward any form of change doesn’t seem to be enough at all, in fact it can even be perceived as counterproductive or judged by others as useless or harmful. I’ve faced patterns of general ‘alienation’ in relation to seeing a genuine way in which one can create an effect for others as well, but I guess that the point missed is that in focusing too much on ‘doing it out there’ the ‘in here’ is left out of the picture, and what I mean by ‘in here’ is seeing where I am not supporting myself to the point of being the normal stable support for myself and so for others.

What happens is that I started focusing too much ‘out there’ only and being taken aback by the reality of many that are genuinely suffering. We know this world is in dire straits, it is our creation and consequence therefore, we cannot really ‘do much’ about it alone – we have to stand together in a similar stance and perspective to get to fine tune the solutions for the reality we have all co-created. Sometimes witnessing all the suffering in various bits and places and through news, documentaries, personal stories etc. make you want to simply drop everything and just cry like a baby for hours end. I experienced this recently as I had done before, and seeing others going through the same only reminds me that we can never really bring any ‘change’ with more sadness, suffering or emotional outbursts: that certainly does nothing. If anything these experiences are not meant to be judged either, but rather using them as a time to introspect what kind of situations one has allowed to be ‘piled up’ and accumulated to the point where one simply explodes when something apparently ‘bigger’ triggers it all. I’ve noticed I’ve been sighing a lot, as if there was some extra effort in doing things as well, even though I keep at everything, sometimes there’s a perceived ‘loss of meaning to doing things.’

Why would I lose a ‘meaning’ on it? Well because the focus was too ‘outwardly’ shifted instead of first ensuring I can be supporting myself, having clarity on who I am, what I stand for and as such with such inner-stability be able to direct myself in such clarity in my usual doings. The thing is that, when one allows oneself to be affected too much by what’s going on outside, one then becomes part of the drama that takes you down misery lane and it’s kind of hard to get out of it as one keeps repeating the images, the information that created the experience of hopelessness, powerlessness in the first place. First point is to not become a victim of information only and creating an experience about it, but rather understand that we become part of the pile of junk if we keep ourselves in the same gloomy self experience Guiño

 

I know this is a common point for many, specifically those that can conceive themselves as being ‘over sensitive’ about things, which doesn’t mean ‘you care more’ but simply one actually allows oneself to take what’s on the outside and ‘process it’ or ‘digest it’ as something that becomes an internal emotional experience. The world doesn’t need more sufferers, more depressed people or people that have no hope even in their own lives: world needs individuals that can see, understand the problem, that can recognize the responsibility we hold to it and from there seek to join forces with others on the same track so as to create an actual network of solutions and support, THAT is what the world needs. “God hates a coward” is the title of a song, lol,  I’d say Life hates a coward and if one is not truly willing to Stand up for Life and do all that it takes, then one becomes part of the problem, part of the ‘giving up’ ones of which the death realm is filled with, I bet.

 

 

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Times like these are also cool to see where am I giving into other pleasures or plain laziness, where do I refuse to keep expanding myself, where have I become stagnant in my own self support and development? Am I doing enough for myself or do I then make of the world the reason for my own confusion, alienation and general ‘loss of meaning’ in everything which is another way to sugar coat a plain lack of insight and seeing direct as to what it is that I need to put my motivation back on.

 

I’ve been there many times before and it is also true that these hardly engrained patterns that I cultivated for many years won’t be wiped out overnight, it is a continuous process over years until they are no more at all, and more so to learn how to stand up from them every time, to keep doing what one has to do and keep going even if it ‘feels’ like feeding a dead horse… it’s about diligence and consistency and also as Nick Cave says: keep on pushing the sky away, to not wish to be dead and so ‘out of the mess of this world’ and going into extreme anger or apathy or general despair because all of these are only experiences, they too shall pass = they can be worked on an overcome them as we created them.

I would mostly suggest to flag point for myself whenever these experiences come up and instead of going down the memory lane of suffering and why the world is miserable, see directly: what am I resisting to do? Where am I procrastinating my change of ‘experience’ toward something in particular? If I am fed up with the state of the world, then I don’t have to make it my own ‘fedupness’ toward my own life and anything that I do in it. Again, takes some courage to see directly, and the faster the better otherwise one single ‘fall’ if not looked at for some time, can make one feel like one is dragging one’s dead body around, even while trying to act/be normal: we always know when there’s something ‘going on’ within us, and if it’s not health-related then we must know that there is something ‘up there’ that I still want to hold on to and justify one’s experience with.

In past week I came to the conclusion that there can be no real happiness in this world unless we eradicate all fear, all suffering, all hatred, all anger, all abuse in this world – no matter if you have the ‘perfect life’ with the necessary money and giving yourself some treats here and there, it is meaningless, it is shallow, it is pointless because as long as I know there is people that haven’t been ‘fortunate’ enough to have what I have, my ‘happiness’ is a self-interested experience. So, realizing this doesn’t make your life more cheerful or gleeful either, but it grounds you to see what one is focusing on/paying attention to and what one plans to do with one’s life altogether.

From my perspective, as I’ve said it many times, I will do and be with that which is the most supportive for life on Earth, no matter how ‘futile’ it might seem, how questionable sharing something in the vast sea of the internet and endless roads of information can be: I choose to contribute to the growth and support of everyone else that is willing to do the same for themselves than being part of the endless queues that want to desert out of life, which they too would have to be understood as a consequential outflow of all of us not having done enough to give everyone a decent reason to live. I decide to do this for myself and so for any other person that can benefit from it.

 

So, a clear decision is always a lifetime decision – there can be fogs at times and that is ok, it is a momentary reassessment that can take a few days, but eventually it is really so that No One can ‘pull you out of it’ unless You Decide to Walk Out of it Yourself. It is a Doing, not a Thinking.

Let’s keep walking.

 

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PS. Artwork and photograph not by me

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427. Walking through the Fear of Making a Decision

 

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OBSERVE yourself in that moment ob-SERVE, serve yourself with some awareness through observation, in the moment MOVE yourself to ask “why am I allowing the mind to be more than me/a decision to change here?” and then do a forgiveness / breathing to stand and not accept/allow the thoughts/emotions to take over

 

There has been a couple of situations lately where I accepted fear as a limitation to move and direct myself here, I created a situation of secrecy based on the fear of being judged for the decisions I’ve made in my life. This is not a new situation, it is a pattern and it was interesting to see how I feared making a decision based on the past experiences upon similar decisions and the consequences it created, but in the end I didn’t realize that it was myself that had made those decisions and that the consequence was not really an outflow imposed by others, but actually created by myself and the nature of my decision.

In this I can share that when making decisions in our lives, it is important to not allow our own projected judgment to take over about what ‘others’ will think/say/conclude about one’s decision, it should not matter. This is about oneself being fully aware of and willing to stand in self-responsibility upon making a decision in one’s life, to equate all possible outcomes and have the ability to face the outflows of it, not only in terms of willing oneself to take responsibility for it, but in practical physical reality terms which includes physical bodies, money, world-system considerations, the minds and experiences of the people involved in such decision and whoever else in the environment will be affected by it. Many times we make decisions based on fears and desires and that is not the best way to approach a decision.

 

A decision is then the end result of having assessed all the possible outflows of a situation, considering who and what will be affected by such decision, to ensure that it is not driven by an emotion or a feeling, but by a set of principles that one is willing to stand by and apply at all times from the moment of making a decision to take a certain step in one’s life and on. Many times we first make a decision based on a ‘hunch’ or on a desire or fear – which is the same anyways, driven by an energetic experience – and only later, after the decision is settled,  do we assess what is actually doable and possible in physical reality and what kind of things we actually need to make such decision a reality – this is how we mostly trap ourselves in our decisions, by not considering all the outflows of it and ensuring one is willing to walk through them and ensuring that no matter what, one has the ability to stand up and remain directive.

 

So, I went through a process of keeping a significant decision in my life secret. Why? Well because I projected ideas, beliefs and fears about what others would think of such decision in my life based on past experiences. Where did this lead me to? It led me to then have to walk through my self-created ‘fear’ of having to for once and for all ‘reveal’ or ‘expose’ such decision to the people I had created a ‘fear’ of exposing it to, and the outcome was that it wasn’t as anything that I had created/expected in my mind. I realized in that moment what a big deal I had made and how in fearing ‘what others would say’ about it, I was in fact getting distracted from what actually matters: it is not about ‘others,’ it is never about what ‘others’ would think or say, this is of course about my life and the lives of those involved in this decision. I once again saw how ‘easy’ it is to in the mind get distracted with these seemingly ‘torturing’ experiences of keeping secrets and deciding to not have anyone else to reference a decision with; in a way it is a risk to decide on certain things and not reference them with anyone else, I decided to do that and realized that what I required was me willing to stand by it and learn from it whatever it may bring.  

In this, I would recommend to not fall into the ‘blowing things out of proportion’ that the mind is keen on creating about the result and outflow of confronting such decisions or even sharing about such decisions, and rather taking a breath and walk through the resistance to share something, to face that ‘fear of being judged’ and realize that a judgment does not really do ‘anything’ to us, because whichever point we are fearing to hear about others, we should have first worked with and assessed within ourselves first. Like, for example, seeing: what am I actually fearing to hear from others as feedback upon my decision? And in that rather exploring such ‘fears’ I have and understand them as an outflow of my own doubts, of my own judgments, of my own uncertainties which I should then clarify for myself first, instead of projecting them as potential situations coming from others toward ‘me.’

In fact, one can only fear ‘what others would say’ if one has not yet fully grounded oneself in such decision and is 100% certain on it, and this is how one inkling of doubt taken on as a general doubt toward the decision can be blown out of proportion and made much more than what it practically should be: a process of walking the decision and taking on ‘the points’ that emerge with it and as a result of it moment by moment.

One thing that is always great to recognize is that whatever I bring to my life, is my responsibility and no one else’s, it is my own set of choices that I will have to stand up to and walk through, and in this is also cool to be aware of fearing taking certain risks, failing, making mistakes, bringing undesired consequences, but I have also realized that many times I have fallen for being over-analyzing everything and as such not really taking any risks, which many times leads to stagnation and general limitations based on – once again – rather avoiding undesired outcomes and consequences. But, we would not move as much in life if we constantly held up these fears as reasons to not do things, this is all about being able to measure ‘who am I’ in this decision? what is my starting point within it? what are the potential outflows by me taking this decision? Who am I affecting with my decisions? Have I considered what to do in potential situations that become challenging throughout walking that decision? And so walk the point in self-responsibility and at all times reminding myself that: I made this decision therefore, I assume all the responsibility and outflows that come from it.

In this then, making a seemingly ‘risky’ decision can become at the same time also a point for self-empowerment, where I can prove to myself what I am able to walk through or ‘confront’ myself and others in certain situation and if mistakes arise or ‘failures’ come up, I will only be able to go back to the drawing board and learn from it, seeing what I didn’t take into consideration  based on reality and so seeing where my decision was clouded by a certain desire or fear or any other illusion that was not grounded in physical reality.

It is also then cool to strip our decisions from any fears, doubts and projected expectations about it all, as these are all mind elements that are not necessary to be considered when actually walking a decision and making it work.

Change in our lives is something we are programmed to fear the most and resist the most, we don’t like our ‘little bubbles’ of idleness and status quo to be challenged and changed, and if we look at where this has led us in the world system, it is to stagnation in devolution: only getting worse because we’ve feared to stand up and make serious decisions that involve and require absolute self-responsibility and willingness to walk through the choices we make, even if they mean going ‘the wrong way,’ we can only learn as we fall and create another way to stand up again.  This life is our educational ground and whichever decision we make in our lives, it is best to prepare oneself to fully face it and acknowledge the outflows of it, ensuring one is clear from any mind experience around it and so be able to stand through it not only ‘for the moment’ but as a general process of decision-making steps that lead to a particular outcome generally defined as a new experience in one’s life, a new situation, another ‘phase’ which we usually would not lead ourselves into.  

So it really only takes one moment to make a decision to walk through the seemingly overwhelming and nerve-wracking fear that seems to be overpowering oneself and just do it. , It was funny the day after I faced this point I was laughing at myself after I ‘faced my fear’ and was asking to myself ‘wtf was that?’ because it was such a ‘throwback experience’ to the who I was in the past in similar situations. Fortunately I was able to be supported back at the same time and so this assisted me in realizing what a mindfuck that was so, it is a point I share here to understand that the mind’s job is to blow things out of proportion, at all times: it feeds off from conflict.  We can only be grateful to fall flat back on the ground and realize what a big deal one makes out of something.

In any case, we can always remind ourselves that whichever judgment or experience another creates about one’s decision, such judgment or experience is about themselves and their own mind/judgments only, which is a basic aspect to consider as well. In this then one should then consider at the meaningful feedback that can be obtained not as a ‘judgment’ but as feedback that one can use to take into consideration, to assess within ourselves if it is in fact supportive and necessary to reflect back upon it.

So instead of fearing others’ judgment about our decisions, it is to rather ask oneself what is this fear of mine reflecting back to me about the decision I’ve made? What am I not entirely clear about? What am I fearing about my decision? Then it is not about ‘others’ and what they might say or think about ‘myself’ and ‘my decision,’ but about oneself only, it is entirely our responsibility to face our lives, our decisions, our ‘choices’ and this way, it will be much easier to share one’s decision, once that one has walked through self-forgiving the multiple scenarios and ideas and ‘what ifs’ and rather ‘arm’ oneself with necessary principles to face one’s decision, assess physical reality and so stand by what one decides upon in self-responsibility, realizing that the decision is not a ‘once off’ situation, but rather a continuous living of such decision which in all cases we can always learn more about ourselves, others and living in general.

 

Thanks for reading

 

Fear based Decisions - Living Choices


426. Giving up vs. Letting Go

  

There was an interesting interview I listened about being able to let go of someone that is not willing to support themselves. Throughout my past, I have had a pattern of wanting to save people which then throughout this process became a necessity to want to show others their potential, to focus on the ‘good points’ they have and so how they could be used as a foundation for them to stand up for themselves. I can see myself in every person that considers they are not good enough to do something, because that was my life before. 

However, I have also realized there must be a line drawn when one stands as another cane to stand up at all times, or when someone does not even have the clear intention to stand up. then it becomes draining, then it becomes like having to take care of a chronically depressed person that has no decision to support themselves to transcend their self created experience, it becomes a way to accept abuse in one’s life as well;  It in fact becomes detrimental to another if one persists in supporting another while it is clear that after all suggestions made, all ideas for solutions, sharing of one’s own experience and many other resources for self-support and no clear indication of self-support is given, it becomes a futile process, a waste of time and just supporting another’s self-irresponsibility by treating another as if they had no way to actually assist themselves, which is a lie when we are talking about something that is entirely self-created like a constant depression or any other mind-related experience. 

I have a tendency to want others to acknowledge their self value by pointing out what I see is supportive/valuable about themselves, which is then a process of uplifting another through opinions, through my perception which in the end will enslave another to ‘my support’ because they won’t pick themselves up if I am not there. I’ve defined this as the ‘nurse’ construct, taking care of those that have derailed themselves in their lives, even at some point surrounding myself of friends that would all present similar characteristics and it is by no coincidence, in away I would find my own acceptance through being useful/valuable to others by supporting them or rather, fully standing there as their ‘cane’ which becomes an enslaving position for both sides. 

I have criticized this stance in others, yet I hadn’t wanted to admit I have done and still do the same, and if we did this about every other person in the world, we would only add more problems into our life other than assisting those that are already willing and clearly showing their intent to assist themselves.  Many times we want to save a particular relationship with the person, which means there is a point of self interest in doing so, because we like them, because they are ‘meaningful’ or ‘special’ to us in some way, but this has to be questioned, and in self honesty one cannot take such a stance toward another as it only recreates personalities, patterns of seeing others as ‘not able to do it themselves.’ Sure I agree that many of us have required such push and support for some time, but there is also a definitive difference when a person is clearly showing their intent standing by principle of assisting and supporting themselves and ‘falling’ in the process, then one can ensure one is there to momentarily step in and assist that individual – yet when it becomes the foundation for an entire relationship, and there is no clear indication of self support, I have realized that the best point of support one can provide is to let go. 

The point I have been looking at is when does one give up on someone and when is it a letting go?  I am seeing that giving up is what I have definitely experienced with regards to dealing with others and when I am the one that goes into a reaction about another’s situation/experience, when I am the one that is considering another as ‘the problem’ which is a clear indication that there was no actual self.responsibility acknowledged in this from my own side: taking responsibility for my reactions of impatience or anger or frustration or any other emotion that would ensue after I judge another’s life/process and so decide to ‘give up’ on it.  So in walking through this giving up on someone and so ensuring that I am not the one reacting to another’s words/attitudes , one can then start seeing the reality of the situation for what it is: no longer filtered by my own ‘struggle’ toward another’s experience/life, not clouded by a filter of likeness or preference or even empathic mirroring wherein I see the other as myself and so assist ‘me’ through them, no longer holding on to a past that was shared or some ‘good times’ spent with the same person – these were all filters and obstacles to see directly, to see where the person stands within their life on a day to day basis, how they react to support/assistance/suggestions for solutions and what they do with it. 

  In this, one is no longer affected by the person using or not using the support given, one gives it unconditionally, however it does get to a point wherein if there is no indication of standing up at all, it becomes a parasitical relationship, where one becomes the constantly needed ‘cane’ for another to stand up, to get some motivation or to get glimpses of ‘what could be’ if they start doing this for themselves, if they instead become their own self support after a significant amount of time that they have seen how supportive it has been to get this momentarily from another. However if one only sees the opposite happening, meaning the person becoming more and more dependent on it, or constantly requiring that support to stand up, then we have created an addict that will need one to ‘stand up’ and one cannot be the drug, one cannot be the doctor or nurse, there is a line to be drawn in order to also assist another to see how they have been shared/given all that was possible throughout a particular timeframe, how doing more would only make another dependent on one’s support and so never really give another the opportunity to stand up for themselves. 

This is how in an attempt to ‘assist’ another, one can become the constant perceived necessary cane to walk, when the bruise or injury is already healed and they are ready to walk again, we support the insecurity or muscle atrophy if we make another believe that they ‘still need us.’ This actually causes further harm than good. So letting go is about realizing that one has done everything that was possible/feasible to assist another, which is just that, showing the way, living by principle, being the example oneself – instead of dragging someone ‘toward change’ which becomes a draining experience for both sides. 

In this I have realized I also have to let go of the ideas, expectations formed about ‘what their potential could be like’ because it becomes then a desire projected toward others, which is usually charged in a positive manner, where once that one realizes it is not coming to fruition or not ‘happening’ at all, then comes the downside, the ‘fall’ of all expectations and place the person as ‘letting us down’ when in fact, it is never about ‘them’ in fact, but about ourselves, our expectation, our dreams of how ‘well’ something could work if, IF the person actually stands up. So what happens in such disappointment, the opposite of love is created, it becomes an unpleasant situation that makes us sad, angry, frustrated or disappointed, but hey! who did this to us? no one else but ourselves. 

So letting go of this constant ‘trying’ and this ‘battle’ to attempt to make others change is a necessary step if one has to get back to a point of sanity about a situation that can become quite stressful and draining at the same time. If someone is not willing to support themselves and this pattern continues for an extended period of time, then why holding on to it? So identifying the desire to do it and the fear that accompanies this is supportive to see how there are also personal interests vested on the situation, it is not entirely altruist and that’s where one’s responsibility has to be acknowledged as well in perceiving one would ‘gain’ something by another supporting themselves or that one would lose something as well by the opposite. 

I can see how many times still our most common sensical acts would want to be held on as trophies in one’s own mind, when this is just the mind that still wants to get some ‘hot air’ by doing something or ‘achieving’ something, when it is only the ego that would want to have this for personal satisfaction or because of any other hidden agenda about this. This is not an acceptable behavior in self-support assistance, no it is not an oxymoron, it is a specific term that indicates one can be a point of reference, of assistance to another’s process of developing self-support, not about ‘becoming’ their support in itself, which is the self-enslavement process I have defined in this blog. 

Should one feel ‘bad’ because one has to let go of this? Not at all, there is nothing real to lose or win anyways, this is about rather sticking to one’s own process of self-support to continue being a living example of how to do it onself, where everything one does stands as a test of time and consistency, which not only that one person/people can take as a point of reference, but anyone else that may find themselves in a similar situation in their life as well. 

There is no better support than the one that is provided without making another dependent on it, and so the analogy of stopping being a ‘drug’ or a ‘make another feel better about themselves’ role is quite spot on to understand this pattern. We cannot inject life into another and have them suddenly see things the way we see them and change, one has to rather let the point go and so go back to oneself with the things learned in these attempts to ‘support’ still standing with a point of self-interest, whichever this may be. 

There is a spark in all of us, waiting to be awakened if it hasn’t already been so, and one can only temporarily show to another what exists within themselves as well, but one cannot become the fossil fuel to keep lighting up theirs. Letting go is realizing one’s own responsibility to stop any reaction we create about another’s life/process. 

This is not a giving up on someone as they still stand within themselves, this is a letting go of my need to make others see themselves the way I see them and rather focus on myself, while being willing to stand as such unconditional support for those that clearly show they are willing to assist and support themselves, which then is not a ‘drag’ at all as it becomes  a mutual point of referencing and support, that’s definitely what all relationships in this world should be about. 

  


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