Author Archives: Marlen

About Marlen

I share my realizations and perspectives within learning how to live life in self-honesty in the Desteni Process to expand and grow as a person in this world. #IMatter

621. Embracing The World at Distance

I went to watch a meaningful documentary for me a couple of days ago which is called “Llévate Mis Amores” – translated ‘All of Me’ which led me to experience a certain renewed ‘hope for humanity’ as it is said, but not in an airy fairy way. I mean it in the ‘love is work made visible’ way where a group of women have given themselves the purpose to daily cook for hundreds of migrants that hop on the train called ‘The Beast’ or ‘La Bestia’ which comes from southern México and passes through their hometown in a place of Veracruz, México, on their way to the north. They use their hands, their strength and will to make this daily routine work because they understand that one meal for them is a matter of life or death – and that life takes no ‘days off –  in their quest to get to ‘the other side,’ which is migrating to the US.

I’ve heard of this documentary a couple of years ago and couldn’t make it that day to watch it during Ambulante Festival and only yesterday I got to watch it and even the showing in itself was again, a sort of simple yet remarkable decision coming from a lady at a corporate facility that bought the documentary DVD after meeting the creator of it and setting up a showing at the office where they work. This is the first time I don’t go to an ‘established’ or ‘well known’ place to watch a documentary, but instead go into a more private showing where most of the people knew each other – lol – and a few of us there got to know of the event through Facebook and showed up, giving in exchange a couple of bags of rice and beans that will be given to the ladies that appear in the film to continue doing their work. 

It was also great to have the photography director there to share more about the way that they made the documentary. What I liked the most is that he shared how he is a human being first of all, which meant that at times he had to throw the camera to the ground to support the handling of the food to the people hanging from the train, who eagerly prepare themselves to grab the plastic bags with food and water bottles on a moving train, which means there’s only a split of a second to grab their meal.

That moment right there of seeing the handling of the food after seeing the whole process of preparation, the quantities of food, the logistics of making these lunch bags for them was heart wrenching if that’s the saying. I held back my tears because I didn’t want to start crying in that moment, but it was that touching considering that these people aren’t ‘well off’ themselves, it’s rather the other way around, which is quite common to find in this country: those with the least tend to help the most.  

How did they do it? They go and ask for food or leftovers in the market, in stores that give them stuff for free to make the food they know they provide to the migrants. Now they are recognized by human rights associations and have won international prizes, I’m sure you can find info by searching ‘Las Patronas’ which is the name of the group of females that have done this work for over 25 years now. Yes, daily, yes, including Christmas and New Year’s Eve and day, and yes, they are not paid at all for that – but their society recognizes their work and provides them with the food they produce or sell in order to be part of the cause. 

I stood for almost an hour after the documentary ended hearing the conversations and reactions from everyone else there, I asked the question of how they were able to afford it and got it answered – food donations, food that was going to be wasted, their own town assists now, etc. The documentary makers knew they had to tell this story, they gained recognition themselves and so forth, but the most relevant thing for them is for people to watch it and to have been able to work there, because he said that it was like a little utopia, to be able to work doing what they love, to assist with the cooking and support others in exchange of having a place to stay and food to eat. Simple.

I wondered how many of these projects would be able to be done if people decided to actually do something about it, instead of only looking at the problems that ‘the system’ apparently has. Sure, migration has become a consequence and I’ve written about it before, but if it is already happening, then some actions can be taken to at least make it easier for some to go through it, and these women are an example of that.

Their character showed such determination, will, discipline and an unbreakable spirit so to speak, which seemed like ‘a lot of work’ for most of us in that room, but then we all realized that THAT work made visible was their strength, their will, their courage, their determination and motivation to keep going in their own lives, and I’m talking about generations of people from the grandmother, daughters and granddaughters working on the same project. Well, yes, I take off my hat for these women for sure, but then the question came of ‘What can I do? What am I doing that can stand in a similar point of support for others?’

Times before when asking myself the same question, I’d become paralyzed, thinking I’d have to now go to shelters and save others, change people’s minds and kind of ‘shake them up’ to understand there’s more to life than limitation and struggle – or try to convert them to my newly found ‘path’ so to speak, which never worked lol – yet I was myself still very much living in such self-limitation in several aspects that I’ve come to identify over the years of walking this process. But it’s good that I had such intent anyways, I just wasn’t focusing so much on myself and I was too much focusing on the world ‘out there,’ well, I already told that story in the previous blog to this one.

After I left the documentary show, I realized that I cannot suddenly decide to go and live somewhere else to do the work that those women are already doing, nor do I see handing food for the poor as a solution either. It is a noble act, but I understand that my position and awareness of the totality of the conflict and situation we’re living in has an origin and starting point that needs to be understood and needs to be disclosed in the form of personal stories that relate to personal change, learning to change our values, our ways of perceiving our reality and making things work without simply falling into consequences or believing there is no way out.

As I was walking away from the place, I realized that I needed to stop rushing in my mind trying to ‘go and do more here and there’ because that has been a pattern in me that only becomes a nuisance, a worry-wart type of experience, and instead looked at how to me being part of Desteni and the work that I’ve committed to do for myself and to extend as a point of support for others walking the same process is my ‘grain of sand’ that I contribute with for now, which is what I can honestly do and can do based on what I’ve also learned and gained through the Desteni Process which is a whole new way of understanding our minds, the problems we face and create in our lives, to create a more meaningful and supportive life that in turn, can impact many more around us and I’m only now starting to see how that works, yes, after a decade of being ‘on it’ consistently.

To me even if the community is not physically together except for one place on Earth, being an interconnected community in the internet over these many years has been that pillar of support where we know we can always count on each other to share, to gain perspectives, to learn more about each other and in doing so, being able to reach out to more people that may resonate with what we do and the tools we live and apply, so that’s what I see has become my motivation, my response-ability, my contribution to the greater changes that need to take place in this world.

So, this way, I also remind myself why I like watching documentaries, I like embracing the lives of others, I like using them as a way to place my shoes in their lives and find a way through in it, to create my own solutions to it even if it ends ‘without a way out’ at times. I’m extremely grateful for documentaries – which is one of my favorite past times and activities – and currently there’s a burgeoning culture for them in my home city, so I’ve watched them not only by myself on my computer, but it’s become a collective meeting of sorts to go downtown to the theatre, watch the documentary, discuss them with the creators – when available – and with others watching and that is extremely cool and I enjoy that a lot. For a moment I also pondered how I can contribute to this ongoing cycles of documentary showing for the people because it is great, it assists a lot of people to create awareness about seemingly distant situations that we would not be able to otherwise face or confront if it wasn’t for the work of documentary makers.

For now, I’m simply disciplined myself to attend to those events and invite others whenever I can, it is a point of self-enjoyment but also of self-education, because not all stories are la-la-land and rosy, most of them are not. I realize I should have done a little commentary on a lot of the documentaries I’ve watched over these past months and I’ve drowned this idea within me because of thinking ‘well, people can’t watch them because the docs are only available to be watched in film festivals – most of the time’ but I realize that I can share what I gained from it without ‘telling the whole story’ so, this is a first point of it and will look at sharing some insights and perspectives on the stuff that I watch and listen to. I say listen to because also long format podcasts have become a constant in my day to day while painting or doing anything that doesn’t require me to read or write – cleaning, cooking, laundry, walking etc. It’s amazing to have the internet, to have this media, these documentary festivals and that is really what ‘moves’ me so to speak, to see more and more people speaking about change, bettering themselves, overcoming their difficulties and troubled backgrounds in life, that’s just amazing that I can get to ‘know’ a bit of a person through a long podcast.

One of my favorite ones is Joe Rogan’s podcast which I appreciate a lot, even if I don’t entirely like or relate to all of the discussions going on at times – and even if I discredited it some 9 years ago or so – listening to the people there and the questions asked allows me to check my reactions, prejudices, my ‘dismissive’ way of being with people that I believed I would have ‘nothing to learn from’ and then, bam! I end up really taking a lot of what they shared and realizing how much I was assuming about them and their life stories just because of how they talked or dressed. That’s a sure kick back at my own ass-umptions and ego there, and I love doing that for myself J because it broadens my perspectives about life and it assists me to embrace different mentalities, ways of getting to the same solutions I am aiming to create in my life and learn from a variety of people that it’s quite difficult I’d get to meet otherwise in my reality.

So, the word here is embracing, embracing more of my reality without having to ‘go somewhere else’ like traveling to ‘get it’ because we know how expensive it is and sometimes even dangerous like in some areas of this country nowadays– but we have the possibility to do this, to learn from other cultures, ways of living through the internet and all the media created by you’s and me’s. So that’s something I commit myself to share even when I believe ‘there’s nothing to share’ – I’ll share more of what I like sharing to myself as well as a point of support, of broadening the confines of my mind and learning to step out of prejudice and embrace another human being as myself. Each documentary I watch is like stretching myself a little bit more, expanding my awareness of the lives of people in this same world, and that’s a priceless opportunity.

Ok keeping it short this time. Thanks for reading and check out these recordings which are supportive and related to some of the things I’ve shared here

Meeting as Beliefs vs Meeting as People

What the Mind Can Teach Us About Sharing

 All-Of-Me-llevate-mis-amores-Mexican Documentary

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620. My perspective about Politics and Self Change

 

There’s been a series of audios that I recommend everyone to listen to if you find yourself focusing too much on the idea of political change and feeling disgraceful about the state of affairs that is unleashing everyday around us – or dare I say – that we decide to become aware of through our media, through learning to really observe the lives of those around us and in doing so deciding to really become aware of their lives, the suffering, the problems, the neglect, the corruption… and the list goes on.

Sure, it’s all of those things that make us cringe but it’s definitely possible to get past the reactive state into a more proactive and self-aware way to interact with the reality around us: our creation. So these EQAFE audios are of great support for this:

Attracting Consequence vs Creating Change – The Future of Awareness – Part 103
Political Fighting versus Political Change – Future of Awareness – Part 104

What is the Use if Change is Impossible – The Future of Awareness – Part 105

How Can We Be the Future if There is no Future? – Future of Awareness – Part 106

Can’t Look Away from the Horrors of Reality – Quantum Mind Self Awareness

For anyone that has followed this blog and my process within the involvement in an intent to create political change, you may know that I became very vocal and passionate about promoting ways and solutions that at the time I saw as the only way through, a viable solution to stop the suffering, to save the world, to kind of say ‘let’s stop the madness right now, we can create a solution!’ But over the past 2 years I’ve become more and more solid in my realization which matches the explanation to the T of what is shared in the Eqafe recordings I listed above – which are an excellent presentation and walk through to confront this same point within yourself – which is about realizing that we need to stop focusing on wanting to impose a change in the current political and social systems, to understand them instead as a consequence that we are facing, while holding on to – and I’d say grounding oneself in – the realization that even if one is living in the ‘worst’ possible scenario, it is still possible to give birth to the life within self, it is definitely necessary to realize that any form of change cannot – and dare I say must not – be waited on and hoped for on the outside without one doing the necessary SELF work for it.

As I write this, I know I have shared my realization about this before and here I refer to that one blog written 2 years ago that I will continue to refer to where I disclose more of my ‘field work’ on this realization, which becomes more and more clear and cemented as a foundation for me to stand on and changing myself, because I was a person with great propensity to be constantly worrying and depressing about the state of affairs in the world. Seriously, most of the times my life would be alright but simply by living in the country I live in, it became obvious that life wasn’t ‘alright’ and that nothing was as good as it seemed at home when I stepped outside of it. This became a sort of emotional burden, a burden in my spirit if you will because I constantly felt sad, disempowered, hopeless, helpless – and yes early on in life as a teenager I would rant and rage against ‘the machine’ – which are all points that I learned to change and understand through walking the Desteni I Process and my relationship to the world system, to this state of affairs that is in a way – as I’ve learned to understand and see it – a necessary ‘ill’ for us to wake up from what we have accepted and allowed without a question for our entire history in existence.  That has assisted me to stop blaming and instead take responsibility for myself. This didn’t change in one go, it’s taken years to repeat this to myself and allow it to sink in in order to actually act differently while continuing to live in the same world.

On the other hand, I was very much within the idea that I had to become politically involved to create a point of change. I’ve already shared how within doing that at a level of research and within getting in contact with people that are involved in associations and institutions or just groups with a similar intent to create changes in the world system, I found that as much as the intent was great and geared to something good, I found there was a lot of blame, finger pointing at ‘elites’ or those believed to be handling the system, a sort of a seemingly ‘beneficent’ vengefulness that would create ‘justice’ in the world. I found that the same human nature that we have not dared to accept that we have to change became the same problem even within organizations geared to this kind of social change. That became a very important learning point for me: the change genuinely has to first be walked through within self – maybe simultaneously if you are already involved in those associations and groups – but it just cannot be neglected, or we will simply recreate the same problems of the past, because it’s us that have created it, not the institutions, the state or ‘the system’ in itself. We are IT.

Now, the recordings I mention relate to a situation where even if one is involved in politics, it all seems too pointless or without a way out and within that becoming somewhat discouraged to keep going. The audio describes the rest of the points to face and walk through quite well but here I want to add something else that has assisted me to keep facing these points, aside from what I’ve already shared in yesterday’s group chat where these points opened up.

Something I’ve learned to let go of is the desire to see ‘change’ in this lifetime, and this I’ve also learned through the Eqafe recordings that I get to hear on a daily basis for the betterment of my understanding about myself, my mind, my life and how I can decide to live and create myself, for the better. So this means that I had to let go of desiring a certain outcome or result from ‘me’ participating in this process of developing and establishing my own awareness and my own direction for the betterment of my own life and consequently of what surrounds me/us. What I could see is that many people are in that position of wanting to just give up because of seeing problems just being ‘too much’ and it all becoming ‘crazier’ by the hour. I now see it as part of the unraveling of the old that needs to go in order for the new to grow. I know it’s not a ride in the park, it is difficult, it is disheartening, it affects us personally, but even that I now see as a necessary ‘pain’ for our very necessary growth.

What works for me is to not focus on the ‘effect’ or ‘reach’ of what I do and having that constant intent to ‘change others’ or ‘change the world’ or ‘save the world’ – which were expressions that I embodied for a long, long time in my life, which left me feeling more helpless and disheartened, because! I could not ‘do it’ by myself, lol. It’s funny how we burden ourselves with ‘the world’ as if it was only US that had to save it… nope, not going to happen like that at all. But I was so infatuated with the idea that I – me- had to take certain position or take charge of something ‘big’ in the world to change and turn the tables that it became this drive to achieve something that I wasn’t realistically going to do in my life at the time. I was following an idea of what I could do that felt good – and sure it wasn’t all bad, learned lots and promoted certain principles as well – but the reality is that in the meantime, I neglected a LOT of things about my personal life that I am currently facing the consequences of, not cool either, but again a very necessary process to see where I ‘took off’ and elevated my feet from the ground, of my life, what I have to do and can do to first of all get myself on my two feet in stability in all aspects within this reality, instead of already wanting to ‘live’ in the ‘perfected and changed world’ in the future.

Well, that’s been the learning process for me and in a way – at times painfully, yes -seeing how I distracted – purposely dare I say – from me, my process, my own introspection and directly seeing what I had to do, change, move on to with myself and my life, my career and projects – because it became in a way easier or more comfortable to be constantly focused, concerned and worried on all things ‘outside’ of myself. Again, not all wasted because I learned lots about the systems, society, the ways in which we’ve shaped our lives – but at the same time I also remained in a state of hoping that such change – especially financially and economic changes – could then benefit me and so I would not have to go through the usual ways to make money in the system… well that is definitely not going to happen and I have to step up in really making sure that I can first be best for myself, take responsibility for myself, instead of hoping for a change out there, which is most likely not going to happen in my lifetime – and that’s OK.

The other vital point here is that I’ve learned to do things by principle, not by the ‘result’ I may see. This is easy to say but it’s harder to remind myself of it because from time to time, this same ‘hopelessness’ rears its head about the belief that what I do in the seemingly ‘trivial’ things in my life have ‘no impact’ whatsoever in bettering anything or anyone. Instead of realizing that this is precisely where I need to focus and work on, to develop that self-respect, integrity, passion, dedication, discipline, care and consideration first for my own person. I can now look back and be honest about the fact that I wasn’t at ‘my best’ when preaching about world change, but it felt good to communicate such principles or turn it into a higher purpose, which without a doubt served a role and a function that got me out of my sunken reality of hopelessness, doom and gloom about reality.  However, such passionate intent wasn’t matching the life that I was living in its totality – nor is it now really, but I am on the way to take care of that as well, as we all are.

So, this means that even if one is deciding to get involved in politics or any other group or association that is geared to create changes in the world system or in your community, the point is to do it as an expression and an extension of what you’ve done first for yourself – or simultaneously doing so, if you find it’s easier to ignite that passion to get yourself moving when it involves doing something for others/something outside of yourself. It doesn’t matter where or how that inner fire is ignited, but what is of primary importance is to not lose sight of oneself, especially of the emotions like discouragement, hopelessness and victimization – or even vengefulness – that may emerge as one decides to get more involved, more aware and participative in any effort to create awareness and so change in the world systems. What has worked for me is to focus on the principle, on the actual matter that I am to create an impact upon myself and express that, externalize that through what I speak, do and share.

For example, this means that even if I decided to take on a position in politics at some point, I would do so if I could guarantee that my life would not be in danger, which at the moment is just not an option in the country I live in – not even being a journalist that reports ‘truth’ is safe, so I rather just not risk myself with that and continue focusing on what I can, what is at my reach here: my own life, my own wellbeing, my relationships, my family, the people I support within this process, the work that I do, the words, the actions, the expressions that any person may come in contact with coming from me: that’s the current impact I have and that’s my current ‘enough’ based on the conditions and situation I live in.  This is another great point that was outlined in that interview, defining what is Enough in self-honesty, what one can honestly do without compromising our own wellbeing, because then we’d stop being ‘the best for ourselves’ and end up just becoming another sort of ‘savior’ that intends to create ‘change’ out there, but within self all is chaotic and problematic and reactive and enacting angry and irresponsible behaviors with a sense of ‘doing good’ – which now I understand are the very reactions that I needed to work on and change within me.

One of the key points then for me was to leave the notion aside of having to do something that is ‘out there’ at ‘the eyes of others’ and to become something ‘relevant’ at the level that I see other people are doing in the system. That’s me – myself – if anyone is at that position, that’s great and I’d say it is also specific that some can do that, but for now I keep track of what goes on in the world, continuing to strengthen my understanding and within that my resolve to focus on myself, my own self-education about how we got to where we are in creating the problems and within that learning to see the solutions that would be possible within a longer period of time with my generation and the many generations to come.

To me it is currently more relevant to ensure I am no longer placing a pressure within myself to want to have ‘some impact’ out there, stressing about world problems and instead learning to do the seemingly ‘insignificant’ things that are actually part of taking care of myself, my health, my relationships and no longer see all of it as mere things to ‘get past’ to get to the ‘meat’ of life such as having an important political position and such to genuinely ‘change the world’ or feel like I finally am ‘making it.’ Nope, now I understand that those seemingly ‘insignificant’ things are the gist of what change means, by continuing to create habits, relationships, ways of being and expression that represent the potential that I see in myself as the life that I am and that I would like to see in the world out there.

This is what is the real challenge for me, to not become overshadowed by being drowned in the sea of consequences, but by staying afloat – and why not, at times walking on water so to speak – when it comes to understanding consequences, realizing them and living the solutions within my life and my context that would sort the ‘major’ problems out there if more would stand up and do the same.

I must say that having this ‘standard’ in life in how I now see it has led me to align with people that see the same and live the same principles, which is somewhat difficult to find but at the same time, I now dare to say ‘that’s not entirely so!’ because I’m seeing a lot of people ‘waking up’ to these principles of self responsibility and first learning to care for ourselves, our lives, our environment instead of being distracted with various ‘social causes’ that may lead to more fighting, confrontations, conflict, division, protests, media frenzies and general divide and conquer tactics that a lot of people have become blind to because of holding to a very narrow view of the world and their role in it.

So, all I can say is that I am slowly but surely regaining the sense of strength of who I am and what I can see my potential is – no matter what I do or where I am – because of understanding that I cannot be affected by what I see around, I cannot be discouraged by seeing the very necessary destruction of dinosaur institutions and old consequential ways of coexisting that are slowly but surely starting to change at the individual level.

Therefore I keep pushing at this level of change: focusing on myself – and realizing this is NOT selfishness, but it is now very obvious and clear that if I am not the best, I cannot dare to actually utter any form of solution or attempt of change ‘for the world’ if I haven’t yet honored myself enough to embody these words as who I am in every aspect of my life. That to me is real respect for life as well, to not only parrot words or feel good about apparently doing something ‘good’ for others – but to genuinely get to live that, embody and substantiate my life with that and therefore do it as an extension of what I have lived and done for myself first.

I focus on the matter, the things that are at hand for now, I ensure I can stand on my own two feet and keep the flame ignited of the life that I know I am able to live and enjoy, so that as I keep walking, I can open up opportunities and ways to continue expanding this process of creation of life, even in the midst of the rubble, because what matters is again who I am in those moments, not the ‘effect’ I can visibly see. This is then my principle, where I don’t allow myself to get discouraged by the news or what I see outside of my house, but use those as reminders of how I definitely need to keep standing and keep being that living best for myself, because that’s what I can do at the moment. And interestingly enough, without being too optimistic, interesting things happen when one starts seeing the world differently, as the potential it can be instead of being ‘sunk’ into this depressed state of ‘all is fucked, there’s no hope’ which was my ‘usual’ state of being before.

This is good enough for me at the moment and to me this is what I have to keep learning to integrate as a reminder of what I want to contribute to this world and how eventually we could all contribute to create if each one lives this best for themselves. This is what sounds very realistic, from generation to generation, to keep planting and growing, as long as it is needed – doesn’t matter – because what matters is who I am in the moment, in every day.

Thanks for reading.

Seeing within SElf

 

Join in if you want to start walking your own self-discovery:


619. Learning From Relationships

 

I listened to three audios on Eqafe that I find essential to listen for everyone, considering how most of us – or so far I’ve only known one person in my life that was not interested in having a relationship – are usually looking for and aiming to ‘find that ONE person’ to establish a relationship with.  Here are the titles: Fear of Missing Out on a Fulfilling Relationship – Fears & Phobias, Using Relationships to Hide From Myself – Life Review, Time Alone Before Time Together – Life Review.

When I listened to the Life Review specifically, I could relate to what the woman shared with regards to the little time spent without and in between relationships and how that affected her in disconnecting from herself, from who she was and how much the constant seeking for a relationship made her dependent on the ‘other’ person to be complete within herself – this might be a bit of a vague description on my side, so I definitely recommend you listen to her story yourself. But! here I’m focusing on sharing what opened up for me as I was listening to her story.

First of all realizing that I have been in such kind of situation where I would end a relationship and start another one right away, not spending time alone to reconsider where I am and who I have been in the relationship –  in terms of what were my lessons learned, points expanded, faults, mistakes, things I can be grateful for etc. – and instead jumping into the next relationship. This is probably one of those weakest points I’ve had throughout my life and one that I have been particularly – secretly – ashamed of because it is obvious that it involves a lack of honesty towards myself within relationships in terms of what I can accept and allow, what I can commit to and how I have disregarded the consequences and the effect that me changing my mind about relationships can have on the partner and people around as well.

I share this because I do consider it vital to apply what the woman shares about her story, to be able to take some time off from relationships in order to ‘get back to oneself’. I’ve done both things and will share my experience in both situations.

There was a time that I’ve recently in my mind judged as very bleak, lonely and fruitless, this happened when I was living in Mexico City and I deliberately decided to learn to be alone – in a rather ‘extreme’ way to be alone I’d say – being then fully aware of my tendency to become dependent on being ‘always there’ for other people, being the kind of partner that lives the life of the partner and has none of her own – I decided to learn to be by myself –that means without relationships – and learn to know what I enjoy doing, learn to be comfortable being alone and doing things alone, going out shopping, to the movies, living on my own. Yes, maybe I took it to the extreme in terms of the lack of interaction I had with other people – including family and friends – but that’s something I am also now learning to do in terms of not being too extreme in the way that I decide to change things. So, in a nutshell, I call it my monkish period, and as much as in my mind I’ve judged it as a generally ‘bleak’ time, when I recently looked deeper into it to not resent my choices at that time, I see that such years were dedicated to live ‘me’, to know me better, to learn to be alone, to learn to do things that I decide to do – not that someone else ‘takes me’ to do – and there was a sense of independence formed that I would not trade off or change, because it assisted me to see where and how I compromised myself many times for the sake of being in a relationship and existing in fear of ‘losing’ something that I now know was not best for me, was constantly emotional, troublesome and detrimental to my expression and my living.

Then I got to a point where I decided I could establish a relationship again and I did, again looking back not having the best starting point because it did come from having formed an experience of alones at the time, but I tried to make it work nonetheless. I had settled in one relationship believing I could change the person, conforming in certain ways to make it work and taking the compromise lightly to say the least, not fully being aware of the commitment that I was making at the time and the challenges it represented. But I wanted to make it work for both of us, which didn’t happen. At least I proved to myself that I could fully and absolutely commit to another and still see that even if I am doing all that I can to assist and be ‘there’ for another, it takes two to tango to stand on the same page. I broke that relationship even if there were legal formalities formed with it.

After that, I had a few months to yes go through the sorrow, pain and ‘disconnection’ process from that relationship but I did decide to enter a new relationship after that; though fortunately enough did still have the opportunity to be alone and process through all of the things that I had accepted and allowed – created – in the previous relationship. But still, I do consider that I went ahead too fast and without much consideration of the implication of making such decisions not only for myself, but for the other person as well. This year I repeated the same, because of not having had that needed time to ground myself around relationships and one thing I can tell is that unless one has an understanding partner that has full awareness of the previous relationship patterns, it can be a disaster recipe to go jumping from one relationship to another.

I was in a way fortunate that my partner was understanding of it all, not that he approves of what I’ve done and my relationship habits, but again, he is aware and he made a decision to stand with me anyways and understood that I had things to process from my previous relationships at the same time as starting a new one. The thing that I want to share is how it’s not a bright idea to not give oneself time to be alone after a relationship ends, it can lead to not fully considering things in terms of what one is able to commit to and the effect it may have by making a decision without proper time for reflection, for personal assessment of the mistakes, the things allowed, the points that one needs to self-forgive and work through, because it does ‘filter’ or ‘spill through’ to the new relationship and it may lead to ruin if one does not handle the situation with proper sense of responsibility and communicating about it and again, having a partner that can understand and not take it personally either.

So from my recent experience, this kind of situation led to a great amount of stress that I became unaware of – apparently – and I became sick or having certain health issues almost on a regular basis for the past months. This can also be a narrow perspective on my health situation, but this is what I’ve concluded recently, that I put myself under a lot of stress because of the decisions I made in relation to relationships, where not being honest with myself and towards others led me to compromise myself and that became an ingredient to constantly be thinking of guilt, burdening myself with the ‘wrong doings’ while at the same time starting a new relationship and opening up all the potentials that this entails. It’s not a great thing to walk an ending and a beginning simultaneously – point learned.

I would not be able to share this from a clearer view currently if it wasn’t for the process that I did to self-forgive myself for my decisions, my actions and mistakes,  my short-sights and also forgiving myself for the damage caused to others by my lack of consideration or selfishness that this kind of situations entail. However, I also understood that there’s no point in continuing to flagellate myself emotionally, all that I can do is learn from it and know that I cannot repeat this kind of behavior again in my life, or I’d be simply falling again into my old patterns that I’ve worked on already. I did judge myself because of wanting to ‘make things right’ and ‘work through it’ and in a way being in disbelief that I could have managed to ‘repeat myself’ in patterns that I thought I had changed over the ‘monkish’ phase of being alone and without relationships – but, as I now know, I cannot be sure that something is entirely ‘clear’ and ‘transcended’ within me at all, it always takes a daily – constant – decision to act in the way that is right, that is supportive, that is considering consequences, that is responsible and self-honest for myself and for others that I have an effect on.

Currently I assess my situation on a constant basis when it comes to my relationship, because it has enabled me to see where I could be compromising myself or constructively compare how I have now seen that I was compromising myself before when trying to ‘be’ something for someone else in a relationship.  When I decided to be in this relationship, I did take the time to consider who I wanted to be in it and what would be of myself IF the relationship simply doesn’t work, knowing I could stand on my own two feet as well. So, I might have taken a ‘big risk’ considering  the rushed and somewhat risky decision making processes I’ve taken in the past without much ‘thought’ into my relationships, but this time I did make sure to entirely be ‘me’ making the decision and fully taking the responsibility for what I decide to make of it. 

I did take the time to assess the person, even if it was a relative short amount of time of doing this, there were characteristics that stood out for me enough to consider how this could work through, which included sharing with him the process I’ve walked with relationships, the weaknesses, the mistakes I’ve made, the dishonesties, the repetitive patterns I’ve had and that I still have such points to work through for me, to reestablish my self-trust in relationships – with all the past disclosed – and this is now where I can prove to myself that I can stand in an equal manner in loyalty, honor, respect and integrity that such person has given to himself throughout his life, which I am currently learning a lot from as well.

It is not my position to share his views here, but in a way I do want to do it, because he’s that person I mentioned at the beginning that has been known by everyone – and himself – to not desire a relationship or ‘lust’ over women at all. Everyone had always asked him when he would have a relationship and he always said that wasn’t something he was looking for, explicitly not interested on because he knew himself as a different kind of person that would find it hard to find a woman that could ‘stand’ through his ways of living life and the principles he has. He just wanted to work and focus on bettering his life. Well, that kind of approach led him to learn to live and be for himself the best that he can be. He is probably one of the few people I know that loves himself and regards himself as a self-made man that wasn’t always dedicated and hardworking to get to be who he is now, but made a decision to step out of the shadows and strive to do what he was told was ‘impossible’ for him to achieve. That sort of strength made him aware of his capacity and potential, which is part of the characteristics that I saw made him a ‘whole’ man already, not really looking or searching or being ‘needy’ for anything or anyone to ‘complete’ him or make him feel ‘better’ about himself.

This is how he considers that most people should not constantly go jumping from one relationship to another, but be able to be alone even for the rest of their lives if necessary, because they are not yet the best for and towards themselves. This view is perceived as too ‘extreme’ by his friends, but I’ve come to understand his point based on what he has lived and what I have lived and the consequences I’ve faced because of having held this constant belief that ‘I need to be in a relationship’ and the outflow this has. I’m not saying that this is how it’s supposed to be, but simply different ways to approach the relationships. Mine was more ‘trial and error’ and yes causing consequences for me and for others, his was more of a holistic approach of deciding to be in a relationship if and when the right person would exist for that.

Of course, he is now in a relationship and that may seem contradictory for many, but he explains how this is the first relationship he’s ever had – and took it to the level of absolute commitment and responsibility, which has led him to explore and open up many more ways of enjoyment in life, more than the ones that he already had been living on his own. I don’t want to sound like I’m praising him, but I do want to share  this because I’ve noticed how many strengths are built through deciding to be ‘the best for you’, to learn to be a man – or a woman – for oneself first, to learn to love, care, be the joy of our own lives instead of expecting something or someone to come and ‘save us’ or ‘fulfill’ our lives in one way or another. So, his usual perspective or ‘advice’ to anyone is to learn to be alone and learn to be ok with themselves, letting go of the notion of needing a relationship – and even better, to not participate or create a habit in desiring sex or porn or that sort of mental-masturbation in relation to women – or the opposite sex – at all, which leads to a genuine discovery of physical expression in a relationship, probably something that most people ‘seek out’ through mind stimulation and my take is that this pollutes or ‘disconnects’ us from the ‘hereness’, the physical development of actual touch and clear-mindedness so to speak required in a developing a physical relationship. This is not only related to sexual expression, but also in relation to fully focusing on being with the one person you decide to be with and not entertaining any thoughts, ideas, beliefs or glances at something or ‘someone else out there’ that ‘could be better’ than the relationship one has decided to be in.

What I’ve gathered from my time with him is how it truly takes that sort of diligence to honor and respect oneself and not exist solely for the idea of a ‘relationship’ as something to ‘get to’ or ‘find’ as an absolute goal in one’s life. It seems that as one focuses and works on fulfilling oneself and becoming that person that one enjoys looking at in the mirror – and not only for appearance level – but for the person one shapes of oneself – then one simply aligns with people that are on that same ‘track’ so to speak in their life, and that’s how you meet and realize that it is something that can work as a betterment platform for both, which was my approach as well when deciding to establish this relationship. We both agreed that this was going to be a relationship of two fulfilled individuals walking together, me knowing that if I decide to no longer be in the relationship, he’s not going to be ‘needing’ me as such, but will continue his life and endeavors as usual and vice versa – communication and understanding and assessment at any time.  The relative ease with which this agreement-  as he also called it – was able to be established is simply because of seeing the affinity in our ways of thinking and living and our principles and the way of living as well as our aims in life. I am fully aware some of my views are not that ‘popular’ with regular people, because they may sound too ‘out there’ or ‘difficult to achieve’- but not for him.  Then it is simply like two notes resonating at the same level that consider they can join in and create a harmony that will better the sound in each other’s life – and that’s what it currently is and has been.

There are so many more things that I’ve been learning about myself in relation to him in that have opened my eyes to see what kind of limitations I was making ‘ok’ within previous relationships, where and how I was not being honest with myself and rather molding or making myself ‘comfortable ‘about things that I wasn’t entirely willing to live with, but made it all ‘ok’ because of the idea that no one can be perfect and that I would always have to kind of ‘struggle’ in a relationship – now I know it doesn’t have to be this way. And I’m not saying this is currently perfect, but now I know that there can be people that can be at that same level of self-awareness and self will to live a different life than most people, which is what I’m here to do in this world, to continue cutting through the mold and not limit my expression, my ‘wacky’ way of being that I have come to re-ignite and rediscover within myself, something that makes me enjoy life more and something that I had judged as ‘not fit’ for everyone’s taste and so believing I had to be more ‘accommodating’ for others. In a nutshell, I’ve come to be aware of self-compromise, which is also one  tendency I’ve had in relationships where I kind of sink into the background and mold myself to fit into the idea of who I believe the other person wants me to be – even if this is most of the times my own projection.

The bottom line is that even if one can make ‘mistakes’ in relationships, the point is to always learn more about oneself, to use each opportunity one has to share one’s life and expression with another to learn more about who we are with each person, and yes unfortunately at times getting to also know the ‘darker’ aspects of ourselves – not to be turned into something necessarily bad or evil – simply recognizing that there are things that may be subtle at first but eventually build up or accumulate to compromise, to diminish ourselves even in the most ‘unnoticeable’ ways and I say ‘unfortunately’ – yet at the same time, I would not have known otherwise if I had not made mistakes and learned to see where I truly want to be in terms of standing in a relationship with someone else, first of all checking – on a constant basis – not to limit, diminish or compromise me in order to ‘be’ in a relationship as a need point.

So, having said this, I now realize that as painful, troublesome and consequential it is, mistakes allow us to also see the paths that we don’t want to follow through. Sure, it’s best when we can identify this earlier on and not have situations escalate and have more consequential breakups, but I now see that this is something quite specific for me to face based on the life that I had lived before I started this process with Desteni, my ‘processing’ done in that alone time and how I do realize how easy it is to slip back into old programming if not fully considering one’s actions and acting again on a ‘whim’ so to speak, making decisions without giving myself time to know first of all where I stand and then where I would want to stand in relation to someone else.

Based on my experience and the example I shared about my partner and how he led his life, I see that the best thing one can do is to give oneself time to learn to BE for oneself, to learn to truly love and appreciate yourself first, to be that one person that you can enjoy living with so that no matter who you join your life with – or not at all – you continue being whole and complete by yourself, so that 1+1 equals 2 instead of being existing as a half that seeks another half to create a codependent relationship that most likely ends up in compromise, diminishment and harm towards one another.

A relationship is a platform of support to become a better person, to grow, to learn from each other, to communicate openly without holding back or secrets, to express openly, to test and try new ways of living and expressing without judgment, to walk through disagreements and challenges with understanding – but! to do all of these great things takes a lot of self-work first, otherwise we base our entire ‘wellbeing’ on another person ‘all of this’ for us, and that’s where the fuckup usually is. So! Self first, always, then the rest of the people or situations that may come into our live become opportunities of expansion, a complement that can be beneficial not only for the people in the relationship but also for those that surround the relationship and for whatever is created within the relationship, which becomes an example of what a supportive relationship can be in a world where most exist in consequences and conflict – my personal view and experience here.

Ok so that’s it, again, listen to the Eqafe recordings, they are a great eye opener to understand more of what I shared here as my ups and downs, my faults, my points to learn and correct through relationships.

Can also learn to do this through the Relationship Course in Desteni which assisted me to ground many of the foundations that I now realize have to be lived in a very disciplined way of establishing self-honesty within self, otherwise they become nice principles on paper only – as always, the key is to live it and REALLY stick to Doing it.

Thanks for reading

 

Self First -

 

Join us in our process of Self-Expression as LIFE


618. Being Taken for a Ride vs. Taking the Wheel and Driving Yourself

Or learning how to slow down, calm down and get out of anxious ingrained ways of behaving.

I’ve been becoming more and more aware of the very – very – ingrained aspects in me that have become so much so ‘how I am’ and ‘my nature’ that I had overlooked, that I hadn’t directly intervened because, in a way, I had not been aware of it as much, or had not seen it as something that would ‘affect’ others, because in my mind I was just being ‘the best I can be’… but is it really? Lol

We were discussing in today’s group chat  about the addictive nature that we create towards our emotions – or feelings – and how we have to directly intervene and direct ourselves, actually take the wheel whenever we are being ‘driven’ by something and it’s not us driving, sitting at the wheel and directing where we want to go and who we want to be in every moment of our lives.

The word autopilot is a keyword for me whenever I see I am in such kind of ‘addictive’ patterns which interestingly enough do not involve actually ‘doing’ something in particular hat I am addicted to – but more like a state of being. The reality is that I had not questioned this ‘way of being’ as much before and I am quite thankful that I have someone in my life that is daring to point out all of the various – many – times when I go into this ‘antsy’mode,  yes, a rushing-mode, almost like a state of being where I constantly have to be ‘on the run’ to do something even if I don’t actually have to.

I’ve noticed how I am blind to this for some months now and it is quite shocking at times that if it wasn’t because of my partner saying ‘hey, sloooow doooown’ or ‘what’s the rush?’ or ‘caaalm doooown’ and holding me for a moment – lol – I would not be as aware of it because of being so used to doing things in ‘fast mode’ and it has been so much of ‘my way of being’ that I’ve seen it as part of my traits, a good trait in fact to be ‘always on time’, being fast, accurate, efficient, etc. Nothing wrong with those words though! But I definitely know WHO I am when I am living those words through this energy-driven mode, which actually happens when I consider I am on autopilot mode and being taken for a ride by these ingrained lifelong ‘ways of being’ which I am quite aware I copied from my parents as well.

So, during today’s chat I brought up the analogy of how we have to be more directive in taking the wheel and driving ourselves, directing ourselves to what we want to do and how we want to live those moments, instead of riding in the back of the car and ‘being taken for a ride’ without any awareness of our state of being, of how we may be going down ‘the same old road’ that we know leads nowhere but sabotage, despair, inaction or just problems without solution.

If I look at myself as a back rider, I don’t have to pay attention or decide which way to go or be fully knowing where I am going or how to get there, I’m just being ‘driven’ by something or someone else. Being in the driver’s seat requires my full attention, full awareness on every single detail from how to operate the car, the direction, the way to get there, the timing, the traffic, other cars, fuel, …. Etc. Yes, yes, eventually that also becomes ‘automated’ but the point here is to understand the difference of riding in the backseat within ourselves and in our minds where we just ‘repeat’ ourselves in addictive states of being and experiences that we no longer question – even if we know we are compromising our lives and that of others in one way or another with our actions or inactions – and how we can instead remind ourselves to be the driver, the one that directs, that is intervening directly on the way to go, that tests out new routes if the ‘same old ones’ are leading us to places and states of being that we know are detrimental to our lives. It requires such responsibility of deciding to take the wheel, it’s not limiting, it is expansive.

I was actually discussing that with my partner recently, and we were wondering about how there’s many people that prefer to do the least or stay the same because it seems ‘easier’ or ‘more comfortable’ when in fact, doing the most and pushing to do the best, and developing discipline and adding new challenges to our lives is the one thing that makes one grow the most. This is a bit out of topic but we also talked about how most relationships get into big problems right after the honey moon phase, and that’s because everyone starts the relationship or even prepares to ‘get the person’ by becoming the ‘best version of themselves’ for a moment, to impress, to attract the other person and so ‘play safe’ as they say, meaning they appear to be nice, loving, hard working, kind, responsible, adamant, etc. And once that the ‘prey has been caught’ as in establishing a relationship with each other, bam! The reality – the real-reality unfortunately – of each other comes out in full force, because it becomes quite difficult to maintain a façade of being better than ‘one actually is.’ It is unfortunate thought that this ‘how one actually is’ means the worst version of ourselves, but hey we are here to become aware of these accepted patterns in society and be able to change them.

That’s when people start to ‘show their true colors’ and embark themselves in endless fights with destructive behavior towards one another because one or the other – or both – are not really who they ‘appeared’ to be. Whereas, as he shared, he conceived a relationship as a point of responsibility that would actually, yes, be more demanding and a point of responsibility, but for the best. I like this approach as well because it definitely means one has to intervene, to change, to adapt, to upgrade, to become the driver, to actually truly use that relationship as an opportunity to become in fact a better person, and this is what I’m focusing on.

It is for me –a person that has dedicated some 10 years of her life to develop self-awareness and such – quite a shocker at times to see these very ingrained patterns of rushing, being ‘antsy’ as in wanting things fast, now, being very demanding and exigent with others or within a situation… very controlling to say the least. It’s great that there’s a person that can say ‘yes I knew you were like that, but I decided to be with you anyways’, because this has opened up the possibility for me to become aware of my patterns, to not take it personally or see it as ‘faulty’ or wrong things within me – even if I get shocked at times by it – I do remind myself why I am the way I am, I know my background at home, I am aware how I picked up all of these ‘ways of being’ from both my parents in general, I know there’s nothing or no one to blame but to take responsibility for it myself now. And what assists a lot is to be able to see a person first hand on how they deal with the same situation in such a different way, with calm, patience, in a more ‘chilled’ manner, because that’s precisely the example I didn’t have at home, but now I do in a way so, that’s for the best because one can then look at ways in which the person acts and behaves and learn from how it can be done, test out at least if it works for me to act differently in situations where I would usually be in antsy mode.

Another point is that, at first, when he would point out these things to me, there was a slight reaction of ‘How dare you say that to Me?’ lol, yes because I had this big ego idea of being the one that is working on self, that is a ‘very self-aware person’, but I had to immediately take the guard down and put on my humbleness shoes and admit myself to see what he was saying and picking up from my attitude, and reflect back to say ‘yes, it is so, that’s what I’m doing in fact’ and within that, start realizing the many aspects that I had no way of ‘cross-checking’ before because there had been no one that dared to question those ways of being before, because in my mind I was just being ‘the best’ to my ability – but I had overlooked the tension, the anxiety, the rushing, the impatience that usually accompanies that ‘dutiful’ and ‘disciplined’ manner I can have a times, so that’s not a way to live those words.

So, because I am grateful for having that in my life currently, the least I can do is to share that as well with people I consider I have the ability to give feedback to. Sometimes people might react to it, but at least I’ve said it, it is then something they can look at or throw away. My responsibility is to test out the waters and see with whom I can give that kind of feedback – who is open for it – and where to ‘keep shut’ because at times, yes,  I do tend to be too ‘intervening’ with others – to say it in one way, lol – and some people do get genuinely offended by my questions about what their experience might be in a moment. I can only learn from it, just like with everything. But for now I stick to having that opening of feedback with my partner and also at times with my mother, who actually gives that ‘in the moment’ feedback based on very subtle behaviors that can only be picked up by someone that has been ‘there’ seeing you growing for most of your life – yep, it is so, she nails it every time, so I at times still deny it but that’s when I know I am suppressing something – so, now I’m learning to admit it and be willing to open up about it.

We all can do this no matter what kind of interaction with others we have. Even if it’s only one or a few people you relate to on a daily basis, each interaction with each kind of person can assist us to see more of ourselves. Some may give direct feedback, some may not dare to say it, but we can always cross-reference our experiences with them to take note of what created a subtle ‘shock’ in us, meaning, a moment where something just didn’t ‘feel right’ or ‘sit right’ and made us react, or where we saw that others reacted, so that we can cross-reference how one acted in such moments.

But, I must say that by being alone or being with a person that is not daring to say straight feedback to me would have created more ‘untold’ reactions and consequences, a longer road for me to realize: “man, this is affecting other’s experience around me, I need to chill out, I need to slow down, I need to stop being so controlling, I need to stop being so exigent and ‘right-here-right-now’ type of demanding person that I’ve become.’ So, my suggestion – very personal – if you are the kind of person that is ready for full on – and in your face- feedback about our bits here and there that we need to change or become aware of, then align with people in your life that are on the same page and will take nothing personal about it, but instead be grateful for that kind of communication, because it is something I appreciate a lot, something I kind of longed for in a relationship so, I aligned with someone that would be in the same page of how to take feedback and work with it. 

And yes, at times a hug or a simple point of touch can assist me to ground myself in those moments – yes it may sound like I have some kind of mental problem that needs to be ‘calmed down’ with a pat on the back, lol! – But! I’ve found it is actually supportive to make it that physically visible for me, because it becomes a very visible to myself and others, like a wake up call of ‘Holy crap! I’ve been in autopilot just running the ‘rushy mode’ or the ‘antsy mode’ or ‘bossy mode’ and now I got my wake up call.

Now the point is not to create dependency or even a sort of a ‘relationship dynamic’ to always have to be calmed down or pointed out that I am rushing or I am being demanding, or that I need to chill out. Nope, the point is to be able to direct myself so that I can in fact stand up to my standards which I tend to project onto others or situations outside of myself. If I am indeed exigent, I need to be congruent and apply that to myself first. So I can apply the word in being exigent to no longer have to be told that I need to chill out and slow down, but step into the driver’s seat to direct myself, so that my interaction can also open up to seeing more of myself within the interactions that I have with my partner and others in my life.

All I can share at the moment is to be able to – or dare – to create an agreement with someone that you are close with to say the facts about what one is seeing in another. Sometimes I just say things and I completely assume and misread the situation, but it’s ok, no one takes it personally, I’m just clarified about the situation and I learn to ask things differently instead of asking within assumption. Sometimes I assume too much and don’t communicate, that is usually the worst, so I take that step to ask directly and go creating that confidence to have that open communication with someone in the bits that we notice about one another, and know that we are made aware of these things not as a judgment or a point to be spiteful about, but as things that we know we can become aware of, discuss and decide to change within ourselves.

So how am I changing it? By ensuring I am not tensing up my body when doing things, being ok with not ‘having to be doing’ something I’ve defined as ‘productive’ all the time and enjoying a simple moment of eating, walking outside, watching something in the internet that is for fun or entertainment, to enjoy seemingly ‘silly’ conversations – lol – to become creative in what I can make for food, to remind myself I don’t have to pressure myself to do things, but simply do them, without the energy-rush. To remind myself that whenever I feel like I want to go home already when being outside, it is merely a habit because there is nothing really ‘pressing’ for me to be at home for most of the times, it’s just a habit that tends to kick in as a mode of rushing to get back to some kind of ‘comfort zone.’ Also to not demand to others to act in what I believe is ‘the best way’ because some people are just not up for it and will react to it, and I have to be ‘ok’ with it no matter how it may make common sense – I tend to do this with strangers, not a good idea, so learning to read the different situations better, lol.

So this is about changing the way I live the moments, because in my case it’s about the inner experience, how I become tense within my body when doing things or when knowing I have to get to do something and putting some kind of extra pressure that is Not needed at all. I simply have to take the wheel and direct myself to do it. It is about removing this almost addictive ‘stress’ that I’ve become so used to carrying – shall I say burdening myself with – which comes through in the way I move and express which seems a bit too ‘fast’ or ‘erratic’ at times for some, lol, I do laugh at being calmed down in such moments, but I do need to become more aware of this so as to not make it a part of my personality, because I know my body is not at ease when being in that mode. It happens because I am ‘up there’ in the autopilot – whereas I know when I am here, stable, directive – there’s actually calm, a slowness, an ‘everything is alright’ within me – which is not a sense of delusion, but an actual cross reference of walking my day according to what I have to do and so de-pressuring from the ‘burdening’ sense of rush that I have tended to attach to things.

Ok, so that’s my take on this current point of awareness of where I need to take the driver’s seat and not be ‘driven’ constantly by the rush-mode or have to be driven by someone else to the point of becoming aware of it. So it’s cool to have a cross-reference outside, yes, but then to take the wheel and not become dependent on that to change. Yes, this is part of the result of applying the Desteni support and the Eqafe recordings, some of which I will also share down here so that you can start gearing up to this ongoing process in everyone’s life on Earth. Sonrisa

 

 

How Much More Your Body Language is Saying – Body Language

Self Presentation and the Truth of You – Body Language

 

And my friend Anna’s vlog, which I could relate a lot to:

WHAT IS MOST IMPORTANT IN LIFE?

Slow motion

Join us in our process of Self-Expression as LIFE


617. To Be A Part Of

 

Sharing about developing empathy and nurturing my life experience in my community.

I had quite a shift during my day yesterday where I consider I finally understood what was missing in my life experience before, wherein I used to be very ‘utilitarian’ in a sense and judge things based on them being useful for something tangible or not and within this, write off a lot of experiences that had to do with what I judged as a waste of time like getting together in a concert to presence live music, or going to the movies, or seeing a play, or attending a conference about some kind of creative process.

I actually considered that the ‘click’ of realizing this emerged yesterday with a series of small moments of contact and connection with people that renewed this understanding that I’ve actually been expanding on throughout this first half of the year for the most part and getting to genuinely enjoy my human experience – at last – lol.

If anyone has a recollection of me, I defined myself as a Grinch, the person that hates family reunions, large crowds, having to ‘deal with people,’ would rather be alone and isolated from everything that didn’t just ‘make sense’ or ‘agreed’ with how I view things or would be zero productive in a utilitarian sense. I stopped watching anything entertaining and only focused on sucking all kinds of information I could and placed myself in a higher ground where I believed that ‘everyone else that seemed to be enjoying their life were fools and disingenuous about reality.’ Well, the joke was on me, because I truly got bitter and lifeless to say the least, and it was only through a decision to challenge this ‘me’ mindset that I’ve been – slowly but surely – cracking open from that hardened shell.

Now, this is something that I would not have been able to do alone at all. Yes, I had to make the decision to – as they say – put myself out there and actually give myself the time to stop moving from ‘task to task’ for a moment and give myself some time to stop and ‘smell the roses’ so to speak. For example, I’m so used to taking a walk everyday for over a decade now, and I had the phases where I’d do something ‘productive’ in it like taking pictures and videos and so forth – then It was just me walking, going to get things somewhere and come back, have the least contact with people throughout that and be quite generally ‘lacking’ something in my life in doing that,  yet being very disciplined about it and believing I was achieving some form of self mastery in doing so.

Well, from the past year I decided to not only do the walk but actually use the time to also get to interact with others and actually establish relationships through that. It all started with opening up to enjoying listening to music in the street and standing there enough time where I’m not in my usual ‘rush’ of having to leave the place or having this race against time, but genuinely set myself to enjoy observing ‘life passing by’ which is something I had avoided doing – again – within the mindset of: ‘Oh this is just a waste of time, no one is getting anything out of it, I’m not getting anything done’ etc. But over time, I realized that it was through that sort of dedication and openness that I got to connect more with people in my environment and stopped seeing it only as a nice ‘background’ or ‘scenario’ to look at or walk by, and instead I decided to be more a part of it all, to actually stop seeing myself as an outsider, as someone that will most likely ‘leave at any time from here’ and actually grow some roots as I heard someone in a documentary I watched yesterday say.

Man, it’s been such a change and I don’t mean to turn my bleak view on the world into a suddenly rosy everything is fine now mindset, nope, because in actually getting to create relationships with people, getting to know more about their lives and relationships, one does realize a lot of messed up things going on, which have also opened up my eyes tremendously to realize how much I was sort of deluded into just blabbering these higher than life principles but in reality there was no actual decision from me to create an actual Empathy with people, to actually connect, to actually step out of my misanthropy and get to really connect and decide to care about others. That’s the change that I’ve been working on and has definitely changed my life experience in quite a significant way and I’m only starting with this.

How did I got to this? By deciding to grow roots, to finally settle in and ‘go out there’, and instead be more present, be more HERE which I thought I was doing by keeping myself in a semi-monkish way with little to not distractions and very few interactions that I could be perturbed by. I avoided people, that’s the reality – and now it’s sort of the other way around and it’s not a 100% change, but  I definitely now push through to show up to meetings and places and family reunions that I would usually talk myself out of, giving myself certain excuses like being able to use the time for something ‘more productive’ apparently.

Looking back, I can see all the many things that I cut myself off from, like cousins that had kids and I wasn’t there at all when they were baptized or born or had their first birthdays, I always said no to any of it. Now that I’ve been rekindling those relationships, there is a bit of sadness about having missed out on all of that growth and now I see them with 12, 18, 5 years old and missed out on all of their initial developmental phases, including that of my direct nephew and niece because I was in such mindset of detaching myself from everything and everyone and believing that way I would not ‘be hurt’ if I had to leave this place that I live in. I deliberately created detachment to things and that definitely wasn’t the way… and yes, I’ve also gone through the route of being resentful to myself for making such decisions, looking back at ‘all that I didn’t do’ or that ‘could have been different,’ but, at the same time I’ve deliberately decided to not beat myself up for it, to make peace with it because that was me back then, having a very rigid mindset going on about my life and what I should do and how I should think, and yes I deliberately separated myself a lot from virtually everything around me, I was like an alien living where I am but not really TRULY seeing myself as a part of it all, I was just like an observer, a temporary observer. Of course this may sound like I didn’t connect ‘at all’ with people, I remember having had equally enjoyable time when being in art school, but once that was done, I did isolate myself quite a bit.

How did I come to open this up today at last? I was listening to Joe Rogan’s podcast, which is something I’ve been listening to for several months now and I’ve genuinely nurtured myself from it because I find that it is through people’s lives and experiences, the challenges they create for themselves that they create successful and enjoyable lives that do not come easy, they come with hardship, but see the benefit and satisfaction in doing so. So, yesterday’s podcast was about a guy that went to live with a certain kind of monks – not Buddhists – for 15 days and the stuff he gathered from it, and as I was listening to his description of how the monks lived, I realized that for quite a few years I lived like that, I’d like to say these past 7 or more years I sort of did that kind of detachment and unwavering discipline for certain things where one is living in the world and believing one is cultivating certain things – which yes I probably did – but are not really going ‘out there’ and really being a part of the world. I did this detachment for several years and I didn’t have to only go and live somewhere else in a similar seclusion for a year to do that as part of this process, but I sort of continued living that way even when coming back and I consider that was entirely my comfort zone and – still is in many ways – to not challenge myself further, even if I know that doing so is the most supportive thing to do.

Here I want to leave things clear that no one told me to do this but myself, that’s how I saw ‘the way’ to become a better person in this world, by not participating in a lot of what I considered useless, a waste of time, harmful, pointless, brainless, etc. And with that, I lost touch with actually being in reality and being able to enjoy and savor the various seemingly ‘meaningless’ living experiences.

I have to say that I actually have benefitted a lot from the various years I’ve spent going to documentary festivals now, like Ambulante festival here in Mexico, it was through that that I got back to seeing how people are living in the country I live in, the things that are unfortunately going on around me and that I was fully oblivious of, because I was focusing more on expecting some kind of world-reset-overnight-change in the economic and political level and a somehow miraculous ‘saving’ grace for this world to the point where I wasn’t concerned or rather interested at all in what was happening at a local level. It was through the documentaries and actually showing up to the screenings that I started getting ‘in touch’ with people in my community, it was a matter of deciding to care and push through the idea that it was pointless, that it was just entertainment and not judge it as that, and place myself there, learn to watch/hear/see the stories and kind of allow the idea to sink in that this that I am watching is not just some fictional story for entertainment, these are people’s lives.

It’s been such a nurturing process and it has assisted me a lot to finally develop that care, consideration, empathy and – god I will dare to say – affection for people. I never thought I would say that! Lol ‘so out of character’ and sure it damn is! It is as if the center of my being is finally ‘opening up’ in reality, not at an intellectual level in which ‘I thought’ that I cared about people and life on earth…. Seriously? By me having this constant ‘fighting’ mode and bitterness from the moment I’d step out of my home?   No way, how could I have in fact been ‘best for all’ with that sort of misanthropy exuding from my pores? Nope, yet I thought I was the most caring and self aware person walking on the streets…

This is what I was chatting about with my partner today, how much I have benefitted from art or artistic expressions actually, specifically documentaries and going to screenings and start getting to know of my community, and start seeing people that are presenting their work and realize I know them from another contact and getting to see their work and what their interests are and their different views on life and things… it has assisted me a lot to slowly but surely be stepping out of this rigid mentality where I thought that ‘everyone has to be like me’ or ‘think the same way I do’ because ‘it makes sense and it’s best for all,’ and instead, realize it’s about me being open to the myriad of living-ways that each human being represents, each one has got fascinating stories to tell in their own way, their own struggles and motivations to live and with their own purpose. I am now definitely interested in getting to know them, and savor it, and enjoy it.

This is me here writing it out at last, but this has been an accumulation process of several years now, like 3 at least where I noticed that I decided to step out of this ‘Grinch’ mode and started opening up to few things here and there and currently I am a lot more settled into this ‘newly’ found enjoyment and interest in being a part of a community, which I just didn’t care at all to do before.

Yesterday I got to confirm and kind of finally realized why I started being so drawn to these activities like going to watch documentaries or certain live acts downtown and through that developing a kinship to people that are more involved with this kind of activities, people that I had always just ‘passed by’ that I am now deciding to actually talk to and get to know and possibly collaborate with. I went to this short film festival from locals and it is so out of character for me to say this, but it was heart-warming to see some of the youngsters share their story of why they got to do certain works like an animation – which I personally didn’t ‘get’ much – but I got a lot more from seeing the nervous-stricken guy tell the story about his dad leaving home to do some PHD and having certain legos left with him that he got kind of an obsession with and developing an entire animation with them which surely must have been a LOT of work to do, but it was a way for him to deal with that sort of situation of how he lives his life, his own ‘isolation’ if you will and how genuinely happy  – to the brink of tears – he was to be able to show his work, his many hours of production to the people in his community, to his co-citizens, as he called us and at that emblematic place that is built for that kind of local reunion to watch certain acts live – music, theatre, movies, etc.  His words were a way to finally ‘put words’ to the reason why I also showed up, it is a form of care and interesting in other humans and their lives and creations.

Lol, I kind of finally ‘got’ why art is relevant. I laugh because I ‘studied’ it and practice it, but I had not truly given words to the reason ‘why’ it is relevant.  And this I also got from listening to someone in a podcast or so say that we need kids in this world, newborns, that will grow up to be the next inventors, the next artists that enrich our living experience – and that hit a core right there. See, I had no ‘clear’ idea why I would like doing art, or watching movies now on a regular basis as part of my time with my partner and going out to be a part of a communal show like it is to go to the movies, or going to the documentary festivals which I also very much enjoy as those activities that have genuinely made my life better, building myself as a part of the world through these activities. Showing up to all of these is a statement of ‘hey I’m here, I want to commune-icate with you, you are part of my community, we’re all here, let’s connect and support each other’ which to me, is becoming ‘the’ thing that moves me and drives me in my life: developing these relationships and connections with others.

This is quite a big change because I like being productive, there’s no way around it, I ‘dwindle’ if I just place myself in non-action consuming only information or watching something and not ‘doing’ something at the same time, which is why going to the movies is almost a requirement for me to watch something and be still, and it also forces me to go out, to meet with others, to be ‘part’ of a community for a moment, even if I don’t get to speak with the rest of the attendants, I’m there, we’re there and sharing a moment.

I guess that’s what it also boils down to. I was so glad to arrive yesterday to downtown’s theatre and see this long queue of people waiting to come in to watch these 4 short films made by locals. Sure, it could have been that each one of them invited all of their friends and family, but so what! It was such a nice thing to witness and again, be a part of, where I decided to make that time of my day to meet up with these other hundreds of people, fill out an entire auditorium to watch these emerging film makers that share the same city with us. It certainly isn’t the same as watching foreign films, because these are people around you, growing in the same culture, moving through the same spaces and seeing that on film kind of creates a form of bond that I had completely disregarded as ‘pointless’ or a ‘mind thing’ before.

I’ve talked about how I realized the actual care and enjoyment of people around me nowadays and how I went from hating crowds to enjoying the moment of standing in a crowd and watching musicians play, or being sitting around many that are there watching documentaries, and enjoying their laughter and their sadness which at times comes with watching these stories and knowing that we all got that experience right there to stay with us. And that’s – I guess – the power and purpose of the art sharing experience, or simply sharing experiences through film, music, seeing some visual art… but even more so, I get to enjoy hearing the voices behind those creations, that to me is essential nowadays. Yesterday I got to see that as well how some of the things that I watched were just ‘meh’ or not ‘my style’ but hearing the story behind it, about the connections they had to create to have it done, the challenges, the dedication, the effort, the resources pulled for it, that definitely became interesting and inspiring as well.

I was also very much touched by a guy that told his story of how he initially started his documentary wanting to share about how much he loathed his family – lol – because of a treason situation his uncle did, but through making the documentary and getting to know his friends’ stories about their relationship to their family, he realized that his initial premise for the documentary was going to be shitty and not inspiring at all. So through the making process, he literally said it was an act of forgiveness and him realizing the importance of family even if one feels like the ‘odd one out’ which I very much could relate to, so this documentary definitely spoke to me quite a bit because I had been so reluctant about family, family gatherings and such and it is only now throughout these past months that I’ve come to enjoy it and cherish it for what they are and represent, and this documentary also made me realize there’s plenty of people that felt like me, some that are still in that detachment phase – which seems to be related to being a young adult – and others that accept and have come to make peace with the variety of characters that a family represents yet, sticking together for the network of support and community that it is.

It was very cool for me to see this in the shape of several stories linked with this common denominator, somehow seeing people from your same city talking about these things turns a moment into an enriching experience where I felt a little more ‘connected’ to everyone around me and within that, taking one further step out of my bubble. Even with hearing another person next to me laugh at the same situation I could personally relate to from the documentary, became an ‘Ah! I’m not alone!’ type of realization, even if it is very obvious that we live in a city with lots of people and we barely communicate to each other – yet, it is in this kind of gatherings where to me the movie is a bridge to connect with each other, and that’s awesome. I’ve made a couple of friends now this way because of seeing what they created and wanting to get to know more about them and finding that kinship within their drive for this kind of creation.

After I went out from that whole after-film discussion, I was walking down the street with my partner and we saw one of his friends playing at a café, there was barely anyone there so we decided to join in. The sheer fact of seeing him see us decide to come in and drink a cup of coffee while listening to him play was enjoyable in itself, a decision to say ‘Hey I’m here, came to see you!’ and it surely was also enjoyable and ‘out of routine’ to do this kind of decisions, sitting there for a moment and share about our day became such an enjoyable moment as well, where we could later talk with his friend – our friend I’d say now – and get to give him some ideas of how to get out of a rut he was stuck with and impulse him to test out other ways to use his kills and make money out of it. It was a short meeting, a ‘moment’ only if you will, but to me this is the kind of substantial bits that make my life experience a lot richer… and it would not happen if I didn’t take the time to be ‘out there’ and actually have the disposition to connect with others too. I’m grateful for the connections like this that I’ve been able to make through my partner who is also very much linked to the local community and I am appreciating the benefit of having that starting point to be able to relate to many more people. In a way, I’ve come to definitely no longer enjoy myself only being ‘isolated’ and not having this sort of connections around others, and realizing more and more how no man is an island and when I pretended to be so, I definitely sank in it.

One thing I realized as well is that it’s not about creating ‘best friends’ with all kinds of people, but definitely relating to many more and being open to the variety of people in a community is part of what living life is… a complement to the rest of the personal doings, productive ways and personal achievements. I am opening my eyes to see how I definitely want to become a participating-part of my community and use the ways and means I have to start doing so, starting relating to others, instead of living like a hermit even when surrounded by people.

So, it feels like I had some kind of writing constipation for several months – I’ve certainly been processing several things and rerouting a bit my life and deciding to ‘grow roots’ here, which I am finally doing and looking forward to continuing developing.

I also realized that the most important thing is to share my story, how I’ve changed, what I’m busy changing, instead of wanting to come here and stand in a moral highground about how things should be or could be – I’ve been there and done that – so, there’s a tendency for me to want to end this with a note of ‘find your passion’ or ‘find your way’ to enjoy life, to genuinely get to experience that your life, your presence, your words, your doings are creating a form of meaning to you and others that is supportive, that is nurturing and expansive.

I am finding and developing that in ways that are very simple currently, as I shared in my past blog, that still stands and continues to be developing where the sheer process of getting to know one person and having that common stand point of creating a relationship in a way where living together becomes enjoyable and supportive IS worth living for, and seeing how that ripples out into the lives of others, without even ‘wanting’ to have an effect on them. That’s quite the remarkable thing I’d say and not to adjudicate any credits here to myself or anything like that, but simply seeing the effect of deciding to be a part of something and dedicate time to it, dedicate willingness to it, that’s quite an enjoyable thing to do.

This is currently the path for me, but I also understand it’s not everyone’s -and thank god for that, what would be the point if everyone would think or do the same things? – It’s all about being able to challenge ourselves, our ways, our ‘views’ and ask a very honest question: if we are dissatisfied about something in our lives, then what do we need to change and stop doing to stop making them shitty, meaningless and feeling miserable? And then dedicate the effort, time and actions to change that. I know the obstacles, I know the doubts, I know the fears, so, just taking the first steps over time is all I can say will open up new paths in how to get to enjoy living and seeing the benefit of it. I definitely am grateful to all of the people that have decided to share their music, share their films and documentaries, their stories with me and with many more. I get to enjoy my life more ever since opening up more to them and that’s great, otherwise, life would be too bland as I used to experience it.

Thanks for reading.

 Ambulante Puebla Marlen

 

Join us in our process of Self-Expression as LIFE

 

 

 


616. Savoring the Moment

Or enjoying living and substantiating one’s day to day living

I listened to the audio It is Not About Oneness but About Living  and what caught my attention of it is how I’ve been reflecting on what it means to live and how we’ve extrapolated this word ‘living’ and have elevated it to something separate from ourselves, almost turning it into something that we are supposed to ‘get to do’ someday, or get to ‘attain’ somehow ‘out there’, instead of realizing that we are already IT, we are already that life and we are that potential that we have been dreaming/thinking about, we just haven’t been LIVING as it. So what does that mean?

I see how daunting it can be to look at ‘life’ and ‘living’ and try and substance these words in an ‘utmost potential’ type of idea right away with ideas, projects, dreams ‘out there’ in the future… and so we spend most of our time thinking, wishing, hoping, dreaming, planning of a moment where we can ‘finally live’ instead of realizing that we are already living, and we are wasting those moments chasing a moment that doesn’t even belong to us.

I’ve also been recently listening a lot to Jordan Peterson and something he explained in one of his discussions with Joe Rogan is how living is about all of those moments and things we repeat on a daily basis, all of those hours that we spend sharing our meals with our partners/family, all of the time spent with our children, all of the time spent on cooking, cleaning, grooming ourselves, going to work, having the normal day to day activities that we many times become frustrated with, tired of or even resist doing as a basic part of living a life in this world.

This caught my attention and particularly correlates to how I’ve been deciding to take on my day to day and really get to live my routine in a different way, because in the past I was resisting to do the basics, there was a time where I came to loathe having to eat, having to take a shower, having to do the basics for living, seeing them as a drag, a waste of time. So I had been working with seeing routine as something that assists me in structuring my day, yet it still only became a doing in a structured manner, a ‘getting things done’ only – but not yet really living, which is where I’m focusing on now.

I am learning and practicing to imprint me/ enjoy myself more in the moments of doing the day to day thing from the moment I wake up, to getting dressed, to making coffee and breakfast meals and genuinely enjoying sharing those moments and the expression that I decide to create of me while preparing meals, enjoying to decide what I’ll wear in the day, enjoying the simplicity of communicating and sharing the basic living activities; enjoying attending to my responsibilities and integrate myself fully into it to get it well done, to not half ass it or do it with the ‘least effort possible,’ but really live the decision and realization of: this is my moment, this is what’s here in front of me, for me to do so I do it the best way possible.

Interestingly enough this has also currently been including the dimension of the ability to enjoy these day to day routines, and even if the activities are basically ‘the same’ day after day, I am realizing how I can truly decide to be present and enjoy the living of these activities and discovering how it is a decision based on – in my case – doing things the best way that I can. To me that’s what satisfies me and it’s even better if I get to share these moments with others or do something that I know will benefit/support others at the same time.

In essence this also correlates to another very cool interview on Eqafe.com A Well Made Moment is a Well Made Self which I definitely could relate to and enjoyed for the same reason, where this emphasis on what we do moment by moment and doing it well, doing it to the best of our capacity is what substantiates and gives meaning to our lives.

This might seem very obvious or simplistic, but I’ve also been reflecting a lot on how many times I projected ‘my life’ as something I’d be doing in a future, way out there at some point in my life where I could finally say ‘I’m living, I’m satisfied with myself’ and kind of building this bubble of ‘greatness’ as ‘living’. I’ve been instead learning to actually appreciate the day to day moments that we take for granted, just like someone reminded me today, we take for granted the ease with which we can do ‘the day to day’ things and forget about the fact that it is a marvel that we are alive, that we can have food in our fridge and have the ability to prepare these meals, to have running water, to have a roof over our heads, to live in an environment where we can walk around and enjoy ourselves in spite of the regular things that may go astray in our societies.

I stopped for a moment to realize how true that is and how many times I had taken for granted the simplicity of enjoying being able to eat, to take a shower, to walk around, to chat with people, to enjoy hanging out with people that you enjoy being with… there are so many things that in the past I would experience as things I just have to ‘deal with’ or ‘swallow’, kind of experiencing them as these little ‘obstacles’ that I had to get through while ‘looking forward’ to something ‘more’ or ‘greater’ in my life out there/somewhere else and far away in the future. That means, I wasn’t really living, but pursuing something outside of myself while dismissing the actual life and living that happens every single moment we are here.

So this is more like a reminder for myself of how many times I’ve almost defined these basic aspects of living mentioned above that are part of my ‘living routine’ as a waste of time or ‘loss of time’ or ‘tedious things’ to do and how I am currently deciding to enjoy them, to be creative in them, to make them interesting based on how I decide to express myself while doing them all.

What I’ve noticed is that my satisfaction does emerge from doing things the best possible way, to add that spark of enjoyment and liveliness to what I do, even if it’s ‘the same’ day after day apparently, I’m learning to enjoy the simplicity of these moments in fact, which again I didn’t use to do before.

I am more and more realizing that life is happening in every moment, it is only us that may be stuck in our heads in plans, ideas, hopes, dreams of ‘what our lives can be’ instead of actually living and enjoying the totality of what we are doing in the moment, no matter how repetitive, how simplistic, how ‘monotonous’ it might seem – all of these adjectives in fact exist as experiences in our minds that become the way that we live out our day to day, always in our heads longing for ‘something more’ instead of realizing this is it! This is where we are, this is what we got, we got ourselves, we have the absolute capacity to decide how to live the moment.

So that’s how living the best that we can in everything we do actually changes the world, because we are the matter that matters and shapes the world – and yes I take this quote from that initial audio I quoted at the beginning of this blog, but it also correlates to what I’ve been hearing from Jordan Peterson – which confirms what we’ve been walking and sharing within the Desteni process – on the importance of focusing on the individual change to create social change, instead of the other way around, which is where people get lost in social justice movements, identity politics and finding culprits for why their lives can’t be as fulfilling as they compare others’ to be. 

Living out day to day to the best of our ability is a real gift that we have and that I’m deciding to stop taking for granted or ‘zombing-by’ anymore. I’m grateful also for the people that have assisted me to realize how much of my life, my context and situation I had taken for granted and was getting too lost in life happening ‘out there’ and instead get back to what it means to be in physicality, its potential and enjoyment, in its simplicity.

What has emerged for me to work with/look at and fine tune from practicing this? I noticed that there is this underlying anxiety that is constantly there as a form of ‘rushing’ from all the times I have imprinted an almost ‘anxious’ way of existing where I used to take these day to day living activities as ‘obstacles,’ as things I just had to ‘rush through’ in my day to day to get to ‘do’ things, to ‘be productive’ and all other kinds of things that I regarded as my life’s mission, missing out enjoying the actual living that happens in every moment that I’m doing the day to day activities and routine.

Sometimes we do need reminders to slow down, to enjoy the ordinary in life, to enjoy the moment, to decide to live it and create it as if it was truly ‘the last day of our lives’ which I came to discover in a rather interesting way at the same time with having the idea of leaving a certain place and I made the decision to ‘enjoy the last moments’ there and then I asked myself ‘well, why am I not living this way every day? Why did I have to have this idea of ‘leaving’ as a crutch for me to decide to see things differently, to enjoy my day to day in a genuine way?’ And that was in fact a key point for me to start appreciating my day to day routine because of seeing my day to day with a different set of eyes so to speak, and I’m quite grateful then that I decided to take this new way of living the ‘day to day’ now, because it makes living much more enjoyable and not only that, but I am more aware of the expression that I can imprint in everything that I am doing, more aware of the kind of words I’m living in the matter that I am, and so making sure I matter in the basics, in the ‘little things’ that I do as part of my day to day living.

So that’s something to try out, to live everyday as if it was your ‘last day’ and then see how to integrate that into one’s day to day living as a new way of living – of course not with the fear of loss or fear of dying or whatever else – but as if it was truly one’s last chance to fully enjoy that meal that one likes eating, fully enjoying that cup of coffee, that walk out in the streets, that going to the movies, that doing our tasks and job the best that we can, that simple conversation with someone that we can enjoy communicating with, that best version of ourselves that can interact with others, enjoying the basic elements of living and living responsibly with it all.

I don’t intend to sound all ‘blissful’ and magical here, lol – because this entails actual doing, actual dedication, actual focus and detail into what one does because giving or creating that best of ourselves in every moment requires that, and that’s what I am deciding to integrate as part of what makes me fulfilled, satisfied on a daily basis, savoring the moment if you will instead of living more in my head and waiting for ‘better times’ in the future – nope, instead I realize I’m here, I decide what I make of it = I decide how I live myself, that’s my essential creative power.

Thanks for reading.

 

 savoring

 

Join us in our process of Self-Expression as LIFE


615. Breaking Through Self Definitions

 

There was a recent interview on Eqafe that assisted me a lot to see beyond my current limited view on things as I’ve been leading them in my life and it has to do with pushing through the limitations of who I define myself to be and in that, realizing how much of the confusion, fears and doubts about myself and my life decisions have their roots and source in having an idea of myself, of who and what I’m supposed to be at my eyes and consequently at what I project to be the eyes of others.

In this I also realized how much of an ‘ideal’ idea of myself I’ve held within my head where I’ve held myself and my life in this crystal clear box of perfection, where everything always seems right, timely and somehow optimal in my life. Yet, this time things went the other way around – or I broke-through that crystal box I had kept myself in. I found myself rooting all of that out and going for the unexpected, the ‘not so me’ type of decisions that I surely feared taking on yet experimented a lot of inner conflict about it all, because of how I saw all of that as being out of character, not ‘me,’ and certainly not matching the idea or definition I’ve held of myself all the way.

I broke the pattern in which I am used to carrying things forward, and in that I caused disappointment within myself and others and that became a hard thing to swallow and admit to myself, almost like not wanting to admit that I could be wrong, that I could make mistakes, that I could give a 180 degree turn to what I thought I should be and do and that certainly became a source of personal dissatisfaction, because I could not comprehend that I could be doing things ‘all wrong’ according to me, which I only defined as such because of holding this perfect, good, always-right idea about myself.

Now, why is this so much of a source of suffering, instability, indecision, shame or guilt? Because of judging myself about it all, because of wanting to hold on to an idea of how I thought things ‘should be’, how I was supposed to deal with it and do ‘the right thing.’ However, I’ve been realizing how this is also a form of control, wanting to keep myself aligned within a particular set of parameters of ‘how I am supposed to be’ and because I certainly started deviating of that, it all became a great source of reactions that led me to feel too lost in them, it was certainly hard to see a way through because of not being able to comprehend why I was doing things in a way that didn’t represent ‘the best of me’ – or so I thought – and in that creating an inner split about what is right, what is wrong, where I should be, what I am supposed to do and be.

In this I had to confront reality as is. This has not been easy, but I see it as a way to face one of my greatest fears at the same time which I didn’t even realize was there, which has to do with holding myself in this positive idea of being an immaculate, infallible version of myself that I tried to hold on to, only to realize I was going to step out of that track and do just about the opposite of that and eat it whole.

This is why it all became a source of worry, distress and suffering, because I had to face other aspects of me that I had not been aware of existed within me, yet they were totally there as myself. So that’s how holding myself within a particular light, holding on to a very finite idea of myself – how I am, why I am, who I am – became a reason for me to feel that I was screwing myself up all the way, because it didn’t match the idea that I’ve held and ‘known’ about myself, or the idea that I’ve wanted to present about myself towards everyone else.

This point is also another one that became a source of distress, the thought of what everyone else will say, think and consider about me based on my actions and decisions. Well, now I can say that the only way to walk through that is to realize that I am the only one living my life and owning my decisions. Of course we always do affect others with our actions and decisions, and yes it is my responsibility to also take care of that, but at the same time I cannot prevent harm, pain, suffering to others based on my decisions and that’s something that’s hard to swallow and work with, but it is also part of being alive in this world. We cannot always avoid pain and suffering, we can only learn how to understand the experience, write it out, self-forgive it and walk the healing process with time and a new direction to our lives.

Another fuckup is to try and see things black or white through the eyes of morality: “Did I do the right thing? Was I wrong?” That definitely doesn’t help a bit, at all. All that’s left is choices, decisions and walking through either or path and taking responsibility for whichever one I decide to walk through.

We discussed this subject in our group chat yesterday called Self Definition and Breaking Through Limitations, where many more share their own experiences and supportive realizations when facing similar situations in life, and it became a great source of reminders and support to see how we blow things out of proportion in these crossroads of our lives, and how we do have to take a plunge into the unknown and trust ourselves in being able to walk through the point, no matter what it is.

What would I have done differently? I wasn’t willing to admit certain things to myself because it would mean breaking a point of personal control, of certain idea of stability and definition of what is the right thing for me to do. I had to break through the pattern of who I thought I had to be and what I thought I had to be and do, therefore, it took time for me to actually admit it, let go and direct the necessary points to embrace my decisions. And this is something I cannot hold against myself either, it is part of those more difficult things in life that sometimes we cannot face in any ‘better’ way.

So here I am seeing I’m trying to justify myself and it’s not needed either, I can only say that not beating myself up for it is the most supportive thing I can do as well as stopping playing out possible scenarios of ‘what could have been’ in my head or what I could have done differently. I realize that I have such tendency and it literally leads nowhere, not being here and living my reality and decisions, nor living in such other alternate path, because it’s only happening in my head, so that’s something to transform into embracing my reality and doing the best I can to own my reality, while accepting that there’s no ‘set path’ for me, there’s no one ‘right’ way to things either. I can only trust myself on it all in my capacity to understand my choices, take responsibility for them and keep walking within self trust because that’s ultimately the only certainty I can have: I have myself, my capacities, my skills, my ability to stand through things and not judge myself from it, but learn from it and set a direction forward.

It’s easier said than done, but this is a decent foundation for it and another point is to not get caught in ideas of where I should start sharing about it or how much of a solution I am sharing this time around, because there are only guidelines that I have set myself to walk through it and the rest will be unfolding as it is lived out.

The relevant thing for me here is to share how important it is to identify the source of the conflict as a finite, limited, controlled idea of ‘who I am’ or ‘who I am supposed to be and do’ and be willing to break through that all the way, to step into the ‘unknown’ or out of the pattern and realize that even if it comes with some pains and distress, we can still make it through to the other side and realize: it wasn’t as bad as I thought, I got myself and I got my will to keep at it.

 I recommend the following audios which assisted me a lot to precisely nail down this topic to what I just opened up about and shared here, and they are a great reminder of how we tend to narrow our view to a few things in our lives instead of reminding ourselves to see the greater picture. I also want to thank everyone that continually walks this process with Desteni, because without each other, it would certainly be most difficult to face things our lives in a supportive way.

 

Unfolding

 

Join us in our process of Self-Expression as LIFE


614. Understanding Mistakes

 

I want to share how I’ve redefined my relationship to ‘making a mistake’ which I have shared before in terms of how it’s relevant to not judge myself for it or go into a guilt trip and so forth. But here I’m focusing more on realizing that there are mistakes that I see I have created in a rather conscious and ‘aware’ of myself level where I believe that all that there is to the mistake is being taken over by an experience and acting on it without a thought, causing consequences for myself and affecting others as well, while knowing that I would have to deal with the consequences, that I would have to confront others with regards to it and even if being fully aware of it all, I did it anyways.

So, to me it became a bit of a mystery as to why I was doing it with ‘full awareness’ apparently yet I didn’t stop myself. I looked at the aspect of being taken over by an energetic experience and being so caught up in it that I could not stop myself, which is an aspect of it. But I knew that it wasn’t just something that happened in a moment of being caught without awareness or anything like that. This was something I was deliberately concocting for some time that developed into a situation where it became obvious that I had to dig deeper within myself to look at what is it that I was exactly missing out of myself that I had led me to create this moment of consequence.

This is where the support of a second person is indispensable when it comes to assisting me to understand my experience, because I would not have been able to do that at all if it wasn’t for people walking the Desteni I Process as well and having walked through similar situations being able to relay back their own experience and realizations upon having faced similar circumstances, and this point of support opened up a whole aspect that I had not seen before as the reason, cause and origin of that which led me to create this mistake.

And this is why I more so than ever believe that we sure cannot do this process alone, we do need the support of others to assist us to see other aspects that we have maybe just ‘swiped through’ in our days and not really looked directly and with intent on it to investigate what could be the origin and cause of an instability within that becomes a source of consequences for myself and others without.

Through this, I was able to see how I had suppressed certain things within me that I didn’t address appropriately with myself, that I knew were bothering me or causing an experience of lack which led me to then develop a way to ‘fulfill’ certain aspect of myself through an external way, without questioning what is it that’s leading me to want to fulfill something in a non supportive manner.

So the point I learned here is to not fall into the victimization or blame and guilt trip when it comes to making mistakes, because that only becomes another comfort zone to not investigate further what is in fact behind the creation of such ‘mistake’ in our lives and how we can change things and take responsibility for it.

My attitude was that of being responsible for it all the way, owning my creation, blaming nothing and no one for it, but I wasn’t seeing or admitting to myself all the bits and pieces that eventually accumulated as the reasoning and justifications for me to create such mistake. And that’s where the assistance of another individual within the context of the Desteni Process is essential to see these points, because I would not have been able to move on as accurately as I did if I hadn’t have such reference and support to ask myself more pertinent questions to find what was really the origin and cause of my experience.

That is how I was able to move on to solutions and experiment the creation of an acknowledgment about certain needs, certain aspects of myself that relate to how I want to experience myself, how I want to live my life, admitting that and so being able to focus on creating it within and without. That was also an eye opening process for me to see how things that I was suppressing within me became a form of ‘lack’ that I tried to find ‘out there’ in a rather consequential manner, instead of looking at what is it that I genuinely want to create and live in my life and taking the steps to create it, to do it, to communicate about it, to explore ways to live that in my life.

So this is how my relationship with making mistakes or facing consequences changed from simply feeling bad, guilty, shameful and emotional about it  – which yes, still comes up and yes it is still part of an initial process of realizing what I’ve done and become – but in that also making sure I am moving on to create solutions, to ensure I am taking the bull by the horns which is what I did and so far it’s been a much more fulfilling thing to do than continuing to make the same mistake, which I frankly haven’t looked at throughout my life with such clarity as I do now.

Therefore I wanted to share this because many times we only feel bad about making mistakes, we feel awful and that’s it, we believe we can let it go or ‘ask forgiveness’ and that’s it. But to me besides taking responsibility for myself – which is the process of forgiving myself -and everyone else that was affected by my actions or inactions, to also ensure that I discover what of myself was I suppressing that led me to create such mistake and so now instead of suppressing it, find a way to express it, to live it and so focus my attention and expression on doing just that.

This is also a point linked to facing addictions, which I’ve learned quite a bit about over the years but also been recently supported by and through Matti’s share on the topic here: Day 359: Addictive behaviors as an indicator of suppressed and underdeveloped self expression and here I share some perspectives on the matter as well.

We all have one, no matter how small or big, we might not even question these attitudes and treat them as addictions because we justify them, we see them as something that’s become an inevitable, natural part of ourselves. We only start questioning when shit hits the fan and we see ourselves in a moment or experience that we believe we were in control of and suddenly realize that we cannot really stop it or prevent ourselves from seeking more of it. That’s where I realize I have to in fact define a behavioral pattern as an addiction and as such, I have to understand and investigate who I am behind it.

One of the constant struggles with addiction is that we tend to place it as a very black and white process of having to ‘give up’ a part of ourselves like having to give up a certain thrill, excitement, buzz or any energetic experience that we are getting through our addictive behavioral pattern and that we have to simply cut it off and be left ‘without it.’ This is part of it sure, there is such decision to give it up upon realizing the consequences, the self that one is creating and recreating through acting these cravings for any experience out.

However there’s also something else that is opened up through identifying and understanding an addiction, and that is the redefinition, recreation and self-determination process that emerges when firmly deciding to change an aspect of ourselves for once and for all. And yes, to begin with, it will most likely involve no energy high or thrill, but certainly a new expression of ourselves can come through when deciding to redirect our effort, our diligence and commitment to ‘get the fix’ so to speak and instead put all of that into creating something that becomes supportive of our expression instead and that’s precisely the process of redefining ourselves from living out our minds to living life, to deciding to do something that is supportive instead.

In my case, my process of aligning myself once that I understood the creative process behind ‘the mistake’, allowed me to move on to solutions that became a much more liberating, fulfilling and enjoyable process than what I thought my ‘outlet’ or ‘fix’ was for a moment as the ‘alternative route’ for me to deal with certain aspects that I wasn’t admitting to myself. So, I’m quite grateful as well for the support all around from people that have walked through addictions and have redirected their expression to precisely express and create themselves in a supportive manner, because sometimes we take the quick way out to get a fix, believing it is a liberating experience but it is not, the only real liberation process comes through understanding what is it that we want to truly live, express and fulfill or satisfy within ourselves and what can we do to create that in a supportive manner.

To me it also became relevant to remind myself of how I can affect others at the same time, so as to not be so self-centered when it comes to focusing on getting ‘what I want’ and in that, affect others by doing so, but instead regard doing onto others as I’d like to be done onto. But at the same time, I’ve realized how there are things that I might have only been able to see once that the consequence was created, and that might be so for certain things that we create in our lives, it’s not the suggested or preferred way, but also to not vilify or beat myself for it – but rather understanding and why not embracing mistakes as part of getting to know an aspect of me that I was hiding from myself and that it was only through consequence that I was able to open it up and see it with clarity to acknowledge it and admit that there is a point where I abdicated my responsibility to self creation and so that becomes the way to sort things out at the same time.

Of course, what’s done is done and there’s no going back, but these situations remain a constant reminder with a sufficient impact on us to make sure we don’t make the same mistakes again and rather now apply the process of immediately getting to ask myself deeper questions to see what is it that this ‘mistake’ is reflecting about myself ,my life, my self-creation, my experience, and that becomes a much more supportive way to approach mistakes in general, to see it within a context of who I am in my past, present and future rather than just a ‘momentary loss of awareness’ or anything like that because to me that doesn’t really exist. We are all quite aware of everything we do, but that’s also a point of self-honesty to admit and acknowledge.

That’s another aspect to consider here how to move through mistakes, through addictive patterns or behaviors in a supportive way as a real recreation process, so that it’s not just avoiding the mistake or creating a sense of ‘quitting’ or ‘withdrawing’ from something, it’s a process of redefining our relationship to whatever we have defined as our addiction, our mistake, our ‘point of falling’ of any kind, because I’m sure we all face these in one way or another.

So, follow through and also share your perspectives on the Desteni Forum about it, so that more people can understand the relationship to these patterns that can wreak havoc in our lives if not addressed and understood properly.

 

If anything I am rather thankful for this mistake opening up in my reality so that I could address a very relevant aspect of self-creation, so as much as it can be hellish and yes consequential, if taken as an opportunity to address the problems, the suppressions, the ‘lacks’ then it becomes a real source of awareness to fulfill and satisfy ourselves in a supportive manner, which again it is part of creating our lives, of living life and facing ourselves in this process.

 

Thanks for reading

 

Supportive audios at Eqafe.com

Then, Now, and What’s to Come

Then, Now, and What’s to Come: Consequence and Creation

 Shame

 

Join us in our process of Self-Expression as LIFE


613. Understanding

 

This has been a keyword for myself over this year that’s closing today and I’ve found great satisfaction and even pleasure in getting to understand myself – and not only myself – but also get to know and understand others better. It makes everything much simpler and much more enriching and expansive to place myself in a position of unconditionally getting to know myself and others, getting to know more facts and details about each person that I’ve come to establish a relationship in one way or another throughout this year, which started with rekindling a relationship with myself after having placed myself in a ‘second position’ in my life for a while based on having focused too much on others or trying to change people in and through relationships.

This last point however is one that I have to constantly be aware of within me, which comes along with believing I can say something that can suddenly inspire others to be better or change things in their life. I noticed how this desire still comes through as ‘subtle suggestions’ that I believe would better people’s lives in one way or another. I had fun discussing about these things with someone that has had the same ‘weakness’ as I have when dealing with people or standing in a position of guidance or leadership, and the conclusion is that there is a need to let go whenever there’s this imperious need that comes like an urge to want to influence others or make them change their mind or just do things the way I do. It is ludicrous, I know, and not every person may experience this, but I’ve found people that go through this exact same ‘inner conflict’ at times to know when to step back, when to intervene, when to give a little push, when to open up something that is quite obvious to be talked about with another and the realization is that there is no magical formula for it.

It is and will be something that one can direct according to the person, who we are in relation to them, the nature of the relationship, how far we are able to walk with the person through a certain process and how involved are we in fact able to be within such process of assisting others in ways that are actually sustainable, without compromising one’s own life or maiming another’s growth and realizations. Ultimately what I see is that this also comes from a desire to prevent people from walking consequence, but I’ve also come to understand how for myself and probably for many more people, walking through consequence is at times a needed thing in order to learn things that we might not have gotten to understand unless we had walked down the ‘wrong’ path so to speak, so I had to understand this ability to make mistakes and learn from it as part of the learning and growing process.

To me it’s relevant to check out whenever I am stepping into the ‘savior syndrome’ or wanting to ‘change others’ as a primary focus in my life, and how that is also indicating that I am not focusing on myself sufficiently, which is why I go focusing more in others’ lives in an attempt to provide ‘guidance’ or ‘support,’ but as I’ve been there and done that many times, I can’t base my whole life in being ‘that’ for others, because it leads to bitterness and dissatisfaction. I’ve also come to understand my role is to live myself to the best and fullest I can and stop trying to diminish myself and my existence to be ‘there for others’ all the time.

More so than before, I am realizing how each one has a very specific path to walk and that it doesn’t really require my direct intervention on it – yep! As far fetched as it may sound some of us have this idea that we have to be constantly ‘intervening’ in things and people’s lives if they are any close to us to ‘change them for the better,’ which is quite the impossible savior task that I definitely have to let go of. I’ve instead come to understand how this is simply a more natural process that opens up based on being part of someone’s life and process – but, it’s not something that I have to deliberately go finding or seeking to do either.

I used to be existing within this almost anxious state of being of having to constantly be correcting, suggesting things for others to be changed or wanting to save them in whichever way I came to be aware of. As I was discussing this with a friend of mine recently, I realized how it is still quite a thing for me to let go of, that urge and need to tell others that they are messing up their life if they continue to do this/that or question their detrimental habits and ways in an attempt to make them think about themselves and their lives a bit further.

So, a point that I have to continue working on is letting go of this need to ‘create an impact’ on others and deliberately seeking to do that, and instead focus on creating myself, focusing on being that very person that I’d like to become as an example and inspiration for others to consider what living a life in a supportive manner means. Therefore this is the end of the preacher and converter for a better life and instead get fully into working on myself. Sure, I can give feedback and support if asked for it, but I will continue to watch out whenever I feel an urge or ‘need’ to change someone’s life with my words or actions.

This is all to me part of my process of understanding myself, understanding my design, my needs and experiences in order to now let others be, let others walk the path they decide to walk and simply be here when and if people ever want to ask and know more about myself or different ways of living – and if it never happens, that’s ok too. Actions speak louder than words and that’s what I want to focus on: living words and that’s where I meet with myself, instead of trying to find myself through having an impact or influencing others in their own life.

Here’s to the closure of a life changing year where my world was flipped upside down in various ways and where I decided to mark the beginning of the new me, the creation of myself and this point explained here is a key stepping stone in this new phase in my life.

Thanks for reading and walking with

 

Understanding

 

Join us in our process of Self-Expression as LIFE


612. Self Appreciation and Self Acceptance

 

One of the gifts from walking through the specifics to see what is behind the pattern of assuming and projecting what I am thinking and experiencing onto others is being able to see what I am still thinking, perceiving or believing about myself. The overall character within these assumptions has to do with ideas of me not being good enough for certain standards that I believe others have upon me, not being able to fully embrace me and particularly my creations and instead cowering up and preferring to not show anything because of still giving into all of these ideas of others being able to determine how good or bad something that I do is.

This is so particularly in the realm of showing artworks, and it’s similar to what other people that perform would experience as stage fright, that moment where one fears what others will say, how it will be criticized, judged, but never realizing all of that is self-created, it exists within me as all the thoughts, judgments, beliefs, ideals I’ve imposed onto what I create.

It has taken me some time to start breaking through it, and it also required this point of inner conflict for me to see to what extent I was holding myself captive with these beliefs about it. I also knew that just writing about it won’t sort it out, because I understand in theory what self acceptance is, what embracing myself means – but in terms of doing and living that in relation to my art, it had to do with actually taking the steps to show it. Art is meant to be seen and shown – yeah some people might say it’s not true, but here I focus on my current relationship to it – it’s a visual thing, it’s something that’s meant to be shown and so by preventing me from showing paintings for example, I had to confront the truth of why I wasn’t doing so, and that has to do with insecurities, ideas of my stuff not being good enough or creative enough or expressive enough – interestingly enough doing this within the realm that has very subjective and movable standards though.

This year has marked the return to creating art in general and that means painting for me, and walking through the plethora of judgments that I had imposed onto the process of creativity over years which led me to stop and give up on it for some time, holding a conflictive relationship with it all because of the judgments, the limitation, the standards, the ideas I projected about ‘how it must look’ and also trying to please people with it, within the consideration of also being able to sell it.

That’s a whole different point as well though where you have to make stuff that others can like in a particular market, but I’m sure that there can be different kinds of people for different kinds of expressions, which means that the real problem isn’t about ‘having others liking it to buy it,’ but it still had to do with me being able to embrace my creations.

I’ve spent many hours listening to creative individuals, mostly movie directors and artists that have gotten to a point of success because of standing behind their creations, completely embracing them as themselves, ‘sticking to their gut’ as they say and with that being able to persevere, not give up, embrace their mistakes and not be afraid of showing their creations to the world even if to them were ‘aberrations’ at first. I laughed at myself a few times while listening to them, it assisted a lot to know how it’s not easy to embrace something you create even for very successful people in the business and how everyone goes through this trial and error and dissatisfaction phase – even in a constant manner throughout their career – with their creations and how all that it requires is to keep at it, to keep moving, to keep testing.

Something I did differently this time around is to not say ‘no’ to doing commercial paintings involving themes I would have ‘never’ dared to paint before because of thinking it would go against my personal preferences. However it is through having said ‘yes’ to those things I resisted doing that I started breaking through some of my core limitations when it comes to creation and self-beliefs, which has been quite supportive.

Also on the practical realm, it assists with practicing stuff, being able to test out techniques and ways of painting I’ve never done because I had always only done ‘stuff I like’ which I’ve been able to still do and test out, but I’ve been mostly spending my time with fixed commissions which has assisted me to get comfortable and back into the practice, into the actual ‘doing’ that painting entails.

As part of walking the process of correction for these fears of judgments and comparison, I decided to start sharing and posting my paintings online on my Instagram page, because I had refrained myself from doing so throughout most of the year, so now I’m sharing some of the ones I made this year.

It is now the moment for me to test who I am within sharing: am I looking for recognition? Am I looking to be accepted by others or have positive feedback from others? And in that I decide to make it about sharing, unconditionally showing because that’s the key point I had been struggling with, showing my stuff. And yes it’s crazy because as simple as it can be for many to share stuff on Instagram or Facebook, to me it’s become a source of nervousness that I have to step into and simply direct myself to share and walk through the nervousness and insecurity in a moment before posting and then it’s done, it’s out in the open.

I realize that I have to continue developing the habit of sharing and walking through those moments that to me feel like taking ‘leaps of faith’ where all that exists is trusting me, being able to stand behind my work and let go of ‘what ifs’, it’s there, nothing more and nothing less. 

So the overall outcome of this is realizing how I can only be the one that can stop me from creating judgments, standards, ideas or beliefs of how something must look, I simply have to be there every step of the way it takes to create something and that then becomes the accumulation of me being able to stand behind my creation in whichever way it results.

This reminds me of how unconditional I used to be when it came to art creation before, I was unable to destroy or get rid of anything that wasn’t ‘good enough’ because I understood it as part of my creation process, a part of me. That might sound a bit ‘too much’ but in principle it assisted me to be much more unconditional when it comes to sharing/showing my stuff, I didn’t hold a ‘high regard’ on it or anything, I had no standards and that’s what I want to go back to again.

I also recognize how preposterous it is to compare ourselves to someone else’s expression. I definitely agree how the process of comparison is one main distractor that keeps us from genuinely focusing on our own expression, weaknesses, talents, strengths and the rest of it.  So this is an active process for me, it’s probably one of the most ingrained things along with judgment, and that means that I also have to realize that what I do as art or creativity is not all that I am as a person, it’s a part, an expression – but at the same time realizing there’s much more to share, give and express as myself beyond creative expressions, which to me has a lot to do with being able to share, coexist with others and that’s basically one of the points where this self-acceptance and embracing myself has become a more settled aspect of me, and getting to enjoy that individuality that I represent, just like anyone else does.

So I have to essentially apply the same process to my creative process and results thereof, where I have to be the first one that has to stop nullifying myself by fearing showing myself to others in whichever form or way. What’s the worst that can happen?  If any criticism, judgments, dislikes come my way, that’s then a cool aspect for me to face and confront in my life, which would only allow me to know where I am still fearing to not have a ‘spot’ in someone’s preferences, where I still as a weakness, where I am still defining myself based on others’ preferences or judgments or where I would be measuring myself only according to certain traits or characteristics and diminishing myself to only that one aspect, while neglecting the rest of the person that I am.

What I mean is that it is also totally possible that even if we embrace our creations and stand by them, If we want to make a business out of it and people are simply not buying it, it doesn’t mean that everything I am is ‘lost’ or ‘a failure’ either. It would mean that I have to keep testing out ways to see what works with others in terms of selling it. And if not, I also realize this is not the one and only thing I’m able and willing to do in my life, so in this it also points out where I have to expand my horizons and not get fixated only in the idea of ‘having to be a selling artist’ in order to survive and develop myself in this world. This is something I’ve also been considering and yes, it exists as a point of awareness and consideration, yet in practicality for now, I am dedicating myself to it, because it is only through doing this that I can face many points I had neglected to look at before because of fears.

This is also how I’ve been able to stop judging doing artworks as something ‘menial’ or ‘unimportant’ for the world, because I stopped wanting to save the world or change other people’s lives. I want to focus on developing myself in whichever shape or form I can when it comes to art, relationships, work and in relation to how I interact with other people in my reality and see where I can give the most of myself, where I can contribute the most to make something work or be taken to the next step of functionality and success.

That’s also been a major shift for a while in my life, which in turn doesn’t mean I become inconsiderate towards the world or others, it simply means I stop neglecting my life, my creation, my potential and instead of trying to sort ‘everything and everyone else out’, I now focus on creating and developing myself, because through doing that and being the best for me, I am best for all at the same time.

So, I’ll keep focusing on these aspects in my day to day

I recommend listening to these series which was also supportive to walk through these points of comparison and stepping into self-creation and self-acceptance in it.

Monsters Born From Comparison

Stopping the Comparison Monster

 

Self Acceptance

Join us in our process of Self-Expression as LIFE


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