Author Archives: Marlen

About Marlen

I share my realizations and perspectives within learning how to live life in self-honesty to expand and grow as a person in this world. #IMatter

598. Opening up with Parents

 

Or sharing bits of my teenage years and how my relationship with my parents has evolved throughout the years of walking this process with Desteni.

I listened to these two Eqafe audio recordings today Children and Isolation – Perfecting the Human Race – Parenting – Part 79 and Parent and Child Communication – Perfecting the Human Race – Parenting – Part 80 and they made me remember a bit of ‘who I was’ as a teenager in relation to my parents and how uncomfortable that phase in my life was where I essentially would keep my communication at a minimal point because of fearing having my parents prohibiting me to go out with certain people, etc. and because of knowing the ways that my sister’s teenage years had been truncated in certain ways by a mostly fearful mother, which is kind of interesting looking back at how she was back then and how she’s changed over the years too, which has enabled me to develop a supportive relationship with her now, but she definitely had to walk her own process in her own way and I’ve done mine, which enabled us to create a good communication nowadays, but it wasn’t always like that.

As a teenager I definitely was the loner kind that didn’t want to go out and do what ‘most people would do’ and instead would prefer being alone in my room – where I had all I needed: my cd’s, my paintings, my vhs cassettes with all my favorite music videos, my books and notebooks for writing – that’s all that I needed ah and my computer later on as well. I did notice that  my parents would be a bit worried that I would never go out on a Friday night like my sisters would do, and in essence they would be comparing how my sisters were very social at my age and I just wasn’t doing that at all, so it’s kind of understandable that they were a bit ‘puzzled’ about it but it was just the beginning of a series of ‘puzzling’ situations I definitely put them though and that I definitely recognize they did accept me and embrace me the best way they could through all my various life phases and somewhat ‘extreme’ changes I went through in my life.

When it came to being a ‘loner’ in my house up to the age of 16, in a way I was in fact craving to connect with people, I really wanted to find a friend or someone I could connect with in terms of tastes and things we could share and enjoy together, so that phase became the time when I started to develop ‘who I am’ in relation to all these things I would soak in from literature, music, artists etc. I was developing my tastes, I was finding my way in terms of how I decide to see life, to view things which I also was able to shape first through books and then through finding people that had similar views to my own, which became the friends that I’d spend most of my time with from age 16 and on until around 21.

Back when I was living with my parents as a teenage and already going out with friends, there were days where all my communication with my parents was ‘I’m leaving home, I’m home again, yes I’ll be careful’ and that was it. I deliberately decided to not do what my sisters did, who would sit around my mother’s room telling all of these stories about their friends and their experiences, I just decided I would not do that because of fearing that my mother would criticize my relationships, my friends and not enable me to explore all the things I wanted to do. This fear of being ‘prohibited’ to do certain things emerged when I started going out more with particular people they didn’t approve of and so that’s how I then made a decision to never tell them anything about my life, which was of course not cool for me at all. It was a constant source of stress, anxiety, fear and worry because ‘what if they would find out about this/that relationship or situation I was in?’ and so, if anything for any parent or future parent reading this: instilling fear is definitely not the way, creating a prohibition is not the way and it’s even worse if it comes within an explosive argument like the ones that I had with them which included threats of sorts which of course, led me to then become the self-proclaimed ‘rebel’ in my own family pattern.

I visited one of my childhood/pre-teen years best friend and her family not long ago, and it was interesting to hear how they remembered how my parents were reacting to ‘my ways’ and how I ‘broke the pattern’ that my sisters had set up in the family, and my friend’s mother explained that she recalled how my mother was very worried about me like ‘could not make sense of me’ lol – and the interesting thing is that I would notice such worry about them whenever they would see me just lying in my couch reading books, listening to music, writing or painting… but they would not say a thing, they never really opened up other than asking ‘if I had any friends?’ and ‘why I didn’t like going out as much?’ and my responses were how everything that everyone was doing was very superficial/shallow or plain stupid at the time and I just don’t like to ‘follow’ like that.

In a way it was cool that I also had that period for myself and that if they didn’t know how to ‘deal with it they did let me be in my own ways. Sure I was at the same time generally sad or depressed because I could not ‘connect’ with anyone in school the way that I had wanted to ‘connect,’ which is through opening up what I would define as interesting conversations, and even though I could usually talk to most people, it would all be superficial talk or ‘peer to peer’ talk but there wasn’t anyone I could dive into the depths of what I was experiencing until I found one person in my school that was into that kind of stuff and so we became best friends and that’s where ‘the world opened up to me’ to a bunch of other relationships and things to test out, live out in a more or less comfortable environment, which of course wasn’t at all a super healthy relationship overall – but I also embrace it now as part of that time in my life that led me to get to know more about people my age and the usual troubles of that time etc.

Of course at my parent’s eyes, this friend of mine was a very polite and well educated in terms of meeting his family etc. and me spending most of my days in his house, so they never questioned that. Only I knew more about the actual truth of what was going on behind the façade, which was quite an interesting relationship for me to have, however it was only later on when ‘shit hit the fan’ that I had to explain to my parents how troubled this friend in fact was and how I had tried to help and how we had to eventually part ways.

So the whole point I want to share here is how because of fear that I got from my parents as a response to my seemingly ‘abnormal ways’ of growing up as a teenager, they didn’t know how to handle it and for the most part I wasn’t going to open up because there wasn’t such development of trust with them, especially with my mother whom I had seen having long and deep talks with my sisters but I never did that or create the space it, and maybe it was for the best considering the things I was into at the time that would have shocked her even more than her already existent constant worry about me and my life choices.

However, at some level they were also certain about having provided certain principles and they knew how responsible I generally was, so, that’s how they actually allowed me to have much more freedom than my older two sisters had, which they still kind of get jealous of – lol – like allowing me to go and live to another city and be the first one to ‘leave the nest,’ or travel on my own at a relatively young age, stuff like that which I’m also grateful for that they did have such trust towards me to do all those things, but I also was a generally responsible person so I sort of ‘earned’ it in a way as well.

In terms of parents having children stepping into their teenage years, I can only suggest to not be judgmental about what they’re going through, sometimes to not even try and understand it completely but rather consider how it was ‘for you’ when going through that phase and how being alone to me was a way to find my way through it – though of course some people will actually benefit from communications so I guess it all has to do with having developed such communication with your kids at a young age so that there’s no ‘awkward’ sudden interest in talking to the children when they start reaching their teenage years.

I also have a small context of how current generations are in terms of kids and their parents. There was a general failure in the internet service in Mexico yesterday and a lot of what I read in twitter was how what I consider were kids or teenagers were suddenly placed in a position of having to get out of their rooms and interact with ‘these old dudes that say are their parents’ which I found interesting, meaning, there is really no interaction at all now with kids doing their thing in the internet. But, who am I kidding? I did the same and would spend hours in the computer when I first got internet and would do the same without computer and be stuck in front of my TV to avoid family time, lol, so it is a phase indeed that can be changed based on supportive communication patterns that can be cultivated from the very first years of a child’s life.

Teenage years are indeed a phase where a lot of things get shaped within our personalities, tastes, preferences – and even if the initial ‘shape’ things are taken is not the best way, it is mostly when one gets into the 20’s that one can actually learn from what one did around that teenage phase and realign our path. This means that maybe for parents it becomes difficult to be able to connect with their children during those first teen years, but once they get into young adulthood, it might get easier.

To me starting this process having 21 years old assisted me tremendously to get back to communicate with my parents in a different way, from a different starting point, deliberately no longer seeing them as ‘my parents’ but starting to see them as people. I did decide to even stop calling them ‘mother’ and ‘father’ and call them by their name till today – which I did ended up doing in a somewhat stubborn manner which caused more reactions in them than any form of support, so I would not suggest anyone doing that because the point is to be open to them as people, no longer as these ‘guardians’ that we have to ‘check in with’ or that we only relate to for the basics of survivalism. So I decided to explain how I wanted to see them, how I want to relate to them as people and no longer as these ‘parental figures’ that I fear or have no comfort to talk to.

And this wasn’t an easy process – my mother had to walk her own process to understand how much of a control freak she was – and she now recognizes it, which is great – and my father has always been quite ok with me doing my thing and being more independent, because he lived his life like that by leaving his home when he was 13 so, nothing’s too shocking for him. So here more in relation to my mother and how it was very supportive for me to start sharing what I am doing in this process which of course at first she didn’t fully understand, she was in shock lol, especially because I went full-blown extremist within it at first. But as time progressed and she started witnessing many of the ‘evolutions’ within me, she’s now at that stage where she asks my perspective for certain things she’s facing with my sisters, the grandchildren, her friends, herself a bit as well and that’s quite cool, to the point where her friends by default appreciate me quite a bit because they always say how my mother goes ‘like Marlen says…’ and shares back what I’ve shared with her about my own realizations and points walked or what I’ve learned through the education at Eqafe and Desteni, my relationships with people etc. which is great really.

But it all wasn’t built in ‘one day’ so to speak, it’s taken almost a decade to get to that point but it is possible to do that even if I had a very sour relationship with my mother back then. 10 years ago I truly thought that I wasn’t ever going to have a ‘healthy communication’ with my mother specifically and that I was going to ‘forever have a grudge towards her’ for certain emotional outbursts that we did have toward each other during my ‘teenage  years’  – while also considering she was going through menopause so, not a good mix lol – and only later on me taking responsibility to place myself in her shoes, understand all the variables of that time and so not take the things said and done personally, but understand her fears and also being honest with myself in how my choice of relationships weren’t also the ‘healthiest’ ones either, which is kind of common at the time as well – we all make mistakes and eventually learn from it, walked my way through it regardless.

Surely at times I did rely on going to the school’s psychologist to ask for a perspective, because I knew I could not talk to my friends about things because ‘they were ‘the point’ of worry/problem in my life’ nor could I go with my parents to talk about it because they would get shit scared about what I was going through and didn’t have any other people around me to open up, so I did go to her and she made me realize one thing that, man,  yep I could have applied for the rest of my life but until not so long ago I was still playing out this pattern as ‘who I am,’ which is how I tried to save people from themselves instead of focusing on myself. I’ll never forget how she said ‘well who’s coming for help? Is it really about them or is it really you that needs help, because you are the one that’s here, not them’ and that clicked quite a lot within me to see that I was the troubled one in fact, not them. But even if I got that realization, it took me over ten years to fully understand what that meant, which means I repeated the same pattern every single time until I saw the consequence it creates and decided to for once and for all say ‘no more.’ But that’s something I’ve already shared a few months ago.

Currently I enjoy going out with my parents and sharing what I’ve discovered about myself, my relationships, what I’ve learned from others, how I see ‘the world’ in general and what I’ve gotten through walking this process with Desteni and educating myself with Eqafe material. It’s become an awesome way for me to connect with them because I’ve now been able to apply that realization that I can ‘connect’ with people because we are all human beings, we all have that one thing in common and so I can share and open up things and ask them questions. I’ve gotten to know a lot more about them as people, the hardship they went through in their own ways while growing up, their family set ups, their environment and relationship with their siblings and parents, their decisions and how that defined their lives etc.

To me that’s been quite cool because it is through that that I’ve been able to see how I came to be ‘who I am’ based on who they both have been in their lives. I also enjoy looking at them as my ‘mirrors’ because of course I am directly coming from them and so I see them in a way as ‘cautionary tales’ for me to look at what patterns they have developed that have become a source of ‘problems’ in their lives, from anger, anxiety and stress issues to control-freakism and general patterns of fear and prejudice that I can see in them that I can then ‘take back to self’ to ensure I am not following ‘the same steps,’ because I can see how things turn out with time and with having an advanced age. Though this is done not in a judgmental way, but through understanding in how it’s now up to me to learn from them and stop repeating the same mistakes they’ve made, which is a general supportive thing to do with our progenitors, to identify their weaknesses and turn them into our strengths and use what we have gotten from them as ‘strengths’ or things we’re good at and develop them even more.

 And the truth is that I would not be able to be doing what I’m doing and who I’ve become without the support of my parents. They both have been very supportive with everything I am doing, they fully support this process and my work in it – even if it was kind of rough for them to understand it at first – and it’s also great to have that confidence and trust to have them meet my friends/partners which I had not done at all throughout my teenage years, they only met my first ‘official partner’ when I was 28 years old, lol.

So this goes to show that I did have quite a distance-relationship to my parents in that sense, but it also was linked to me not having made the kind of ‘supportive choices’ in my life before that I would be confident enough to share with my parents, so it took me quite some time for sure, but I’m quite glad that they understood my process and that I found my way through it all, while also having worked quite extensively on my own to not hold a grudge to them at the time for the impositions they created on my life, but understand where they were ‘coming from’ and also being able to be honest about myself and seeing how if I had been in their shoes, I would have probably freaked out as well with the things I was deciding to do, but I’m here and able to tell J

I’ll open up in another blog about how this ‘openness’ relates to current relationships and the benefits that come along with it, which of course is also an outflow or result of having walked this process with Desteni.

Thanks for reading.

 

Marlenoise_1

Self Portrait circa 2005

 

Join us in our process of Self-Expression as LIFE


597. Embracing My Mind

Be humble in your relationship to the mind, humbleness meaning to walk it in understanding and consideration, it’s like this beast that you gotta tame. And approaching the beast with an attacking egotistical superiority is going to just unsettle it even more, so take it easy, walk it slowly but surely, take it day by day, breath by breath. And if anything, your process in your relationship to energy, especially in your daily participation is something I would really focus on because it is primarily through energy and energy experience that the mind gets you. That consciousness will move your awareness from the physical into the mind, it uses energy.” Mykey – Demons in the Afterlife – Part 11

 

I’m going to open up some points and realizations and practical test-outs that I’ve gathered from various sources like Mykey’s description above of the humbleness required in our relationship with our mind, and the description of how we’ve been fighting against stress in our lives while also not challenging ourselves explained in this Eqafe.com interview Senility, Dementia, and Alzheimer’s (Part 2) – Psychological & Physical Disorders – as well as seeing a picture of one of my favorite artists/singers with a caption saying ‘Embrace the mess that you are’ and also some of Ido Portal’s interview which I’m also enjoying quite a bit because there are a lot of points that open up parallels to walking this mind-being-body process as well, which relate to the form of movement that we have to also create in order to develop anything, to change anything, to challenge ourselves and the effort, consistency, discipline it takes to do so.

Something that we tend to do is fight those aspects that we dislike of ourselves, or become uncomfortable with getting to acknowledge the ‘truth’ of ourselves as the reality, of that which we’ve become but that we’ve become so used to masking, disguising in all kinds of ways to make it seem ‘better’ in our eyes than what it is – and this is mostly because of wanting to keep a certain ‘idea’ of ourselves as perfect, flawless, never wrong, always right, honorable, ‘immaculate’ and so forth, well at least these are some of the ideas I’ve had to debunk about myself which were the perfect ‘shields’ for me to not even question certain things or experiences about me that I actually was wanting to hold on to because of the ‘pleasure’ I derived from them in a very ‘sneaky’ manner so to speak.

Though interestingly enough I’ve found that the more I get ‘down and dirty’ with myself in all kinds of ways – yep don’t allow your mind to run rampant with that idea though! – I find that I become the most comfortable, more raw and honest with myself where I have been throughout this past year – more so than ever before – being really willing to let go of this ‘effigy’ I had created about me/who I am or what I seem ‘to be for others’ which was a huge thing in me as well, like having this idea of myself as a ‘politician’ in a way that had to keep a certain image at all times.

I now know exactly where this comes from – as a result of the many writings about it to open this point up – and how I developed this idea of self, which has to do with yes having been taught to behave a certain ways in certain social contexts and seeing how my family would relate to others etc. And here it’s just an acknowledgement, not at all judging or blaming, but an understanding – and so what I became was this very stiff, rigid, inflexible, ever ‘strong’ version of myself that had to appear in a certain manner all the time – and this goes as far as my first ‘big contact’ with peers in the first day of school in wanting to take on this idea of myself as strong, not weak, superior, ‘not showing emotions’ and all kinds of things that of course now I’ve been able to identify and so decide to open up myself more and share who I am in a vulnerable, natural, open, raw version of myself that to say the least has become a very enjoyable process to integrate as myself and so share with others in my life too.

I was talking with a friend the other day and he mentioned how he had this very shocking dream where he had killed someone and everyone noticed that ‘the killed person’ was missing and he started to get very stressed out and fearful about the idea of having the corpse in a bag and not being able to do anything with it, not being able to compress the body of evidence into non-existence. He freaked out about the images, the scene, the very ‘act of killing’ itself, so I suggested to not dwell on the imagery of it, the gory details of it so to speak, but to focus on his experience, which is that of suddenly becoming aware of what he had done, trying to hide it, getting fearful about facing consequence, being caught by others, eventually maybe having to admit having done such a thing (in the dream of course) and I simply suggested to take it back to himself to see/write out where in his life is he having this kind of experience towards some parts of him that he is fearing to admit, to see, to embrace. I left it at that. He is on his 21 days of stopping smoking weed and of course suppressions are popping up and I understand how that kind of changes can suddenly open up Pandora’s box within self, but it’s quite cool to know that he’s taking on the writing as a source of self-reference.  Though I could notice there was some fear, disgust, aghast experience about the dream, where he then became more unsettled about such ‘truth’ of himself that he might not even be aware of instead of simply getting to know himself, to understand it, which is also part of being humble to our minds, our truth, ourselves: not to fear it or resist it, but embrace it with all its ‘doom and gloom’ in it, we created it so there’s nothing to ‘fear’ in it, nothing is really ‘unknown’ to us, only out of our awareness.

I also watched a documentary about a band and how they said they had to become ‘fearless’ in their way to continue walking their lengthy career, having some pivotal changes in their lineup, having ‘core members’ leaving, having rejection towards the new members, testing out new things but their decision to persevere, keep going no matter what has turned them into a long-standing band with some 30 years of history now behind them, which is quite a merit and example for many more as well.

The word ‘fearlessness’ was mentioned a few times and it stuck with me, which is also something Ido explains is a very normal function in humans – practical fears enable us to survive, to be aware, cautious, make decisions to ‘keep ourselves alive’ of course – however there’s also the point of being taken over by fear completely nowadays where we’ve allowed it to override everything we are and do, to the point that we are now limiting ourselves extensively because of fearing ourselves and each other… a world dominated by fear in fact.

So, in this process of self-change, self-awareness, self-creation I find it very supportive to walk a process of self-forgiveness in order to identify all those things that we fear about ourselves. I remember writing out each and every other fear I had in my mind in the beginning of my process, man, the list was immense but I knew I was a very fearful person – and I am continuing walking through them – but the point here is admitting to oneself those fears, deliberately creating that acceptance and comfort of the ‘uncomfortable’ at first, admitting to oneself those actual thoughts, words and deeds that we have defined as bad, evil, wrong and Embrace them.

This is a keyword right here, to Embrace myself because the actual living of the word implies I cannot judge it, compare it, define the totality of myself in relation to ‘a few points’ that I become aware of – I instead write it out to understand it, to get to know ‘how’ and ‘why’ I became such personalities, patterns, experiences within me, what was it within me that enabled that and within doing so, I am more taking a position of learning about myself, observing myself yet not creating a reaction to it and making it personal. Sure, it’s not as easy as it sounds, it has taken me years to walk through certain points that I was quite ashamed of myself to even ‘talk about’ to myself about them and through sharing about them openly with a few people, it has assisted me to also let go of the ‘hold’ I had towards it all as something that I apparently could ‘never forgive myself for.’

Of course in that it is to be considerate of who we share with such very personal points, always in common sense, but I find it very supportive to have someone in your life with whom you can open up and lay those points out in writing, in conversations, creating that safe space for self-support in relationships which is one of the benefits we have as human beings to create, develop and nurture each other within the context of relationships where two or more beings decide to share themselves, open themselves in order to assist each other in that very personal process of self-creation and self-change.

And if this is something that is not yet ‘here’ as a potential for you to be comfortable with in terms of opening up with others, then it means that there’s some self-work to first do within self, to start developing that self-relationship first, and to me this came through writing within a self-honest starting point which means pushing through to see the ‘truth’ of myself, even if I wanted to hide behind my chair to not type it out or see it ‘for what it is’, pushing through to lay it out and embrace those things I was ashamed for in my life, all those things I thought would leave me ‘powerless’ or ‘losing my mojo’ in a way lol, or where I believed I would become this ‘lifeless being’ if giving up my craving for certain things that gave me an ‘energy high,’ which I ended up realizing where actually the chains and shackles I had enslaved myself to as ‘reasons to live’ or ‘points of motivation’ in separation of myself.

I decided to place myself through all of those uncomfortable spots through writing, through being honest with myself and all I can say is that the ‘bitter taste’ is only momentary, the rest of what one gets out of the box and opened up creates an actual ‘flow’ within oneself. It’s as if bit by bit I went ‘disentangling’ myself from my plethora of fears, judgments, limitations – and still am doing so – and with each point I went opening up, it was like opening up a window to let the air flow, or digging more ground for a river to flow wider… that kind of ‘liberation’ in fact, which I was reflecting about yesterday with regards to a particular point I tested myself with in letting go of something that I had to admit would give me an ‘energy high’ and within doing the actual change and decision to ‘let go of it’ in that moment, I realized that I was apparently letting go of a very automated ‘fix’ I had created in particular contexts, but I reminded myself instead of the actual integrity, self-respect, honor that I created instead for myself in that moment and towards others implied in the situation as well.

What did I have to practically do? Instead of fearing placing myself in such ‘tempting’ position so to speak, I decided to create it, to embrace myself in that moment and learn to see ‘who I am’ in that moment. I saw the energy movement taking a position in my body, I saw how the justifications opened up in order to ‘go for it’, I saw how ‘natural’ this had become for me to act on this experience without giving ‘too much thought’ into it before – and it was quite fascinating to stand in that point in the moment and what I practically did was the following:

– I decided to consider the consequential outflows of me acting out on this ‘impulse’ I had which I became aware of was existing as energy, there was no substance to it, just an ‘impulse’ that If I had given too many thoughts into it, I would have ended up convincing myself of just ‘doing it’ or ‘going for it’ – neverminding the outflows, the aftermath and consequence which is what I decided to remind myself of in that moment in order to not ‘go for it’ or not ‘move’ myself under the influence of this impulse/energy as desire.

It was quite cool because I was able to see it, stand in it, feel how it ‘feels’ and feel how I could go either two ways: get myself to heighten the experience if I would have given more of an opening to it or stick to my conscious decision I had laid out before of ‘who I decide to be/do’ in those moments of defined ‘temptation’. Therefore,

– I decided to remind myself that I would not be able to live with myself if I would give into that experience and act on this impulse driven by an energetic experience defined as desire. And within reminding myself of this and how I had essentially made the ‘same mistake’  a few times in the past, I decided to stand strong in my resolve to let go of it, to not ‘go for it,’ to discipline myself to ‘stand my ground’ not as defensive, defiant or antagonistic to my desire, but through having ‘immersed’ myself for a moment in it, seeing, it understanding it, get a ‘feel’ for it as the energy it was where as I said there was no other ‘substance’ to it other than the remembrance of ideas, beliefs of perceptions of ‘acting out on the energy feeling good.’ And that’s it… never ever having considered the actual implications, consequences of acting out on it, what I would cause as conflict or consequences for it, which would eventually lead me to become very dependent of ‘recreating’ the same experience one way or another, becoming subject to an experience, becoming subject to a ‘feeling good’ sensation only – and that’s what I decided to no longer be.

So all of this happened in a couple of minutes and then I decided to breathe myself into stability and fully decide to let it go, to not act on it and physically stabilize myself so that I would no longer be in this ‘heightened’ experience – and even if it ‘kept coming up’ or ‘being triggered,’ I would then repeat some of the above mentioned points of reminding myself of the consequence, of deciding to live honor, integrity, self-respect in those moments which means to me not ‘giving up’ on myself for a fleeting energy, but to test who I am within it, see with clarity the starting point, the context, the factors that I led myself to in order to face such point and then be able to come out on the other side of it having in a way yes ‘tamed,’ controlled, directed myself to not give into it.

See, maybe a few months ago I would have still feared myself in terms of believing I would not have self-control or that I should not even place myself in certain situations, but in a way I created the context and then realized that I can in fact stand and stick to my decisions to not give into this desire and what I gained from that is the satisfaction of having simply done that which is best for all, that which I know creates and expands my integrity, my self-respect and honor to myself and everyone else involved whether they were aware of it or not. And that’s what I decide to make the new matter to me.

Also it was quite cool for me to open this point up and reflect on it, see it within clarity and share it, communicate it as is because it becomes a way to debunk this ‘secret mind’ that I’ve kept for quite some time as ‘who I am’ because of in a way wanting to still hold on to that kind of ‘thrill’ or ‘power’ or ‘experience’ which boils down to energy that in fact tampers with the ability to simply express, enjoy, embrace and appreciate myself and others without attempting to ‘get an energetic experience from it’ – which is what we’ve become very ‘addicted’ to – and instead embrace the interactions in their simplicity, without any hidden agendas, without any ‘suppressions’ either, but simply understanding what comes up as ‘desire’ for example for a particular experience, seeing it, holding it, becoming it for a moment, not fearing to ‘get lost’ in it but keeping the focus on making that crucial decision to let go of it and in that moment decide ‘who I decide to be’ in the face of that experience or ‘temptation’ I created for myself in a way.

And that’s how I would define an experience of ‘embracing’ the whole of myself, not fearing to ‘have no control’ of myself, but to rather use the opportunities, situations, experiences as playgrounds for me to see ‘who I am’ in those situations, in essence creating my own test-drives so to speak to see if my written process and the commitments, corrections and solutions I’ve set for myself are practical enough for me to actually change in that moment.  And I did, it was in me all along, that ability to decide to not go for the ‘quick fix’ of an energetic experience, and seeing once again that I can in fact live beyond that and not really ‘lose’ anything other than an energetic experience, but instead gain self-respect, confidence, self-trust, self-integrity and honesty. In this I am also learning to see interactions with other people without wanting to get a ‘fix’ from it, which had become very underlying and common way to do so before in my life.

Ok! I had a very simple idea to start this blog, I ended up expanding it too much, well, it is what it is, I still find it quite a challenge stay in a few words… maybe I have to stop judging it or trying to ‘battle’ against the extension of these blogs and simply let myself be in it. It is how it is and comes out for now

 

Thanks for reading.

 

Face Your Demons

 

Join us in our process of Self-Expression as LIFE


596. The Gifts of Criticism

Or how to walk from a reaction to criticism towards an acknowledgement, discernment, learning and embracing of it as a way to assist ourselves to grow and develop ourselves to better ourselves in many ways.

I was listening to this documentary IDO PORTAL – JUST MOVE (filmed by London Real) while preparing some canvasses yesterday and it was quite amazing to hear the parallels that can be drawn from walking through this mind-self change process that some of us have been working on for the past 9 years and someone developing physical movement in all sorts of ways in their body in order to ‘master’ themselves, which becomes not so much about the end result, but the process of ‘mastering the craft’ as Ido says.

To begin with, this documentary or ‘topic’ is something that I would not have been ‘interested’ on years ago, yet the more I saw the name of this guy being shared around within the London Real channel, the more I got curious about it and this recently released documentary is quite a recommended and enjoyable thing to watch because it’s an awesome confirmation of many of the principles and ‘tests’ I’ve gone through in my own life within developing things I thought I would ‘never do’ and in general within this process of self-change – or dare I say the ‘reinvention’ process of myself.

There are many, many points that are valuable in it and it serves as a great source to cross-reference ‘who one is’ in relation to what Ido shares, however one that got my attention is where he speaks about criticism, which you can watch/hear here https://youtu.be/qJDz7qHBGQg?t=53m14s and there are a few points that I want to take on and write out because I consider that many times, for anyone starting to do something new, or doing something ‘for the first time’ or completely ‘out of the box’ of ‘normalcy’ in this world  – which easily can be associated with embarking oneself in this process of developing self-awareness and self-forgiveness and getting to change in our day to day living – can seem like a daunting task, something that one is ‘never ready for’ and sometimes we allow criticism to ‘overpower’ ourselves if we start reacting to our own ‘beliefs’ about not being able to do it, or about others’ sudden rather ‘harsh’ input in how we are doing things or how we are ‘changing,’ not questioning what of ourselves can be ‘hurt’ by criticism.

Many times throughout sharing my vlogs related to this process on YouTube I learned to read the worst of the worst kind of criticism, trolling and bullying that you can imagine: judging everything about my voice and the way that I speak, how I look, how wrong I am in my statements, how they wish I would die or how I should go kill myself.. all kinds of stuff, not worth mentioning or typing here really, but you get the idea.

Of course the initial experience for most people is to react and go into defense mode, try and ‘win against’ those that bully/troll in that sense, but in my case I also learned to start seeing where such words reflected back to the person that expressed them – and other times being able to humbly recognize they were truly supportive feedback even if myself/my ego didn’t like it, because they enabled me to look at myself, my stance, the way I spoke and start questioning the righteousness in my ‘intellectualism’ that I many times shared in my YouTube videos as ‘this is how things are and that’s it’ – lol, the ‘fascist me’ as I call it – which led me to in fact question in a very honest manner towards me: what is it about myself and my expression that is being shared from a starting point of fear: fear of being told I’m wrong, fear of receiving criticism, fear of being seen as weak, fear of not being credible enough… all those fears were there, so what did I do next? I then worked on really seeing what of ‘my ego’ can be hurt through criticism, writing it out, self-forgiving it and applying a humbleness and understanding to it, while of course practically not allowing the ‘overwhelming’ experience criticism can create to take me for a ride, which sure can be difficult but, any process of change involves that kind of challenge and resistance and difficulty, hence my suggestion to watch Ido’s documentary as well who explains this beautifully.

I grew up being a child that was mostly praised by adults and at times hated/envied/bullied by my peers, because it seems we like to destroy that which is in any way perceived as being ‘ahead of us’ and through the support of my mother in those days, I learned to grow a ‘thick skin’ to it and realize that whatever others said or did towards me spoke more about ‘who they are’ not about ‘me’ in essence, and started to learn to ‘take the heat’ so to speak, though not really yet learning to ‘reflect’ on such criticism or learning to ‘discern’ things, which eventually took me to create a certain ‘defensive stance’ that was still ‘here’ within me not until long ago.  

However I have also been on the other side of the coin, where I have craved feedback, I have craved criticism from those that know me best and so far only one person keeps having the guts to let me know where I am still being ‘taken over’ by myself in my ego/mind patterns, which is my mother and I’m grateful for that because it is so that only those that have known you for such a long time can really have a stand point to let you know where you are ‘losing your ground’ in any given moment.

Many times I have asked partners and friends to let me know when I am losing my ground, where I am becoming a ‘problem’ about something, where I am being righteous, where I am being one-dimensional or ‘tunnel visioned’ about something and I’m also grateful that I’ve had such wake up calls from them and other people here and there, but ultimately I realize that no one has the ‘imperative’ duty to let me know all of these things, that I can also get to see these points for myself when observing me in self-honesty as ‘who I am’ in the words I write, in how I express, in what I create, in how I decide to work and do things… it becomes a self-evident measure which then I use as a way to develop self-trust so that even if those that I’ve come to ‘trust’ the most can come at me with certain criticism, I can know and be honest with myself about it being a fact or being a perception or interpretation coming from them – and that’s where self-honesty is the key to see ‘who am I’ in the eye of criticism.

To me facing, dealing with, reading, listening, getting to know of criticism about myself has been one of the most challenging yet most supportive points in my life, and not long ago I was still fearing how certain people would ‘see me’ based on certain decisions I’ve made in my life and through walking through the fears of that ‘potential criticism’ I’ve realized one thing: the worst only critic exists within myself, I am the only one that can allow myself to be ‘affected’ by words, I am the only one that can accept and allow a certain word to cause an effect within me, and you know what? If it does, then, that’s actually quite great! How else would I know that I am still holding on to an ‘idea’ of myself as ‘untouchable’ or ‘superior’ or where I am still standing in inferiority to a word, a concept, an idea if no one would dare to come at me with certain words of criticism? And here’s an awesome audio that opens this up nicely as well and that I recommend having a listen to: Who Are You When Challenged – The Future of Awareness – Part 91

 

If anything, I actually would like to get more feedback in whatever I do and am, because in that it doesn’t mean that I have to change myself to be what others want me to be, it doesn’t mean that what others say will be ‘right,’ but because I can always learn something from anything that anyone has to say about me – either about separating the wheat from the chaff as they say as in taking what I can test out/apply/try out as a way to expand myself and test ‘new ways’ discerning what’s supportive and what’s plain backchat/reactions coming from others and ‘who they are’ towards someone that maybe is projected as a reaction to the challenges experienced through my doings/expression, or where one becomes a ‘boxing bag’ for them to blame for everything they can be dissatisfied for in their own lives… both and possibly many more reasons and starting points may exist in criticism.

I’ve done such kind of criticism as well, in fact I was sharing with an old friend yesterday how I was ‘wired’ to be constantly criticizing everything and everyone, which is the same as judging or creating ‘beliefs’ about anything that’s ‘out there’ of course within that ‘vantage’ point of seeing my judgments as right and just… lol the typical self-delusion. And so how it took me a process to really get down from my ‘high horse’ and start to truly hear/read/see criticism from others towards myself as a supportive process for me to ‘see me through the eyes of others’ and get to know what is it that can in fact be ‘standing out the most’ in creating more reactions in people than support.

In that, I got to test out new ways of expressing myself: stopping wanting to seem ‘absolutist’ and ‘right’ at all times – or fearing being wrong – being less intimidating or stopping wanting to ‘impose’ myself onto others – being less attackative or stopping fearing being undermined or ‘proven wrong’ by others, being less self-infatuated or learning to question my principles through trial and error – and stop being arrogant or stop seeing ‘my way’ as ‘the only way’ to live life – which is how I can agree I ‘felt’ within myself while sharing experiences, knowledge and information in my YouTube videos for example – and how that is definitely something I continue to work on in being more ‘chilled’ about things, which has proven to be a physical process of literally relaxing, not being as ‘tense’ and ‘anxious’ and ‘rigid’ in my expression, but to allow myself to actually ‘breathe’ and be more in my body as I am communicating and expressing with others.

That way I took criticism to really look at myself and test out a few changes that I can now reference have in fact been very supportive within my current life and the way I relate to others and how genuinely enjoyable it is for me to ‘be me’ currently, whereas before I would still feel like being in a constant battlefield where anyone was an ‘enemy’ that I had to watch out my back for and be constantly assessing ‘who was out to get me’ type of thing, lol, yes like living ‘war’ mentality within me, all because of mostly fearing criticism… man, have I limited myself so much because of this and it’s not like I am ‘completely over it,’ nope, it’s still a point to continue walking but here I’m sharing some distinctive differences around it.

Even recently someone came at me with quite a nasty kind of defamation and twisting of information about something I once shared with them, and for a moment I could notice there was this reaction coming up until I forced myself to re-read and see how what was being said was a plain attack, with no validity or veracity to it and how the intent was mostly to – sorry for the words – but spread shit about myself. I was able to then cross reference ‘who I am’ in the face of being criticized, judged in this particular way, understand the person, their possible context and starting point for it, self forgive the initial ‘knee-jerk’ reaction and then let it go, because there was truly nothing to ‘learn’ from such trolling.

Back to Ido Portal here, I can relate to what he says in what he once believed he wanted to be which was ‘to be liked by everyone’ which I also really tried hard to do before – and now I realize that it’s not about being ‘accepted’ or liked by others, but simply be myself, developing that stance of ‘this is me, this is the new me that can stand by my words, that is aware of what I say, do, decide to act on and then whatever ‘heat comes at me’ I can take the criticism, work with my reactions if there are any, take the considerations as constructive feedback and keep moving on’ which also exists within a humbleness of being open to learn from others, to learn to question my own ‘tenets’ and be willing to hear different perspectives and ways of living life, which lol, was quite a difficult thing for me to embrace some years ago, but it’s cool to deliberately be challenging myself within that.

As Ido says, critics, trolls, haters usually don’t provide feedback from a practical ‘walking in your own shoes’ point which means they usually lack understanding of the process that it takes to be/become/express/do what one does, and within that it makes sense to obviously discard criticism that is not at all considering the time, the practice, the trial and error, the evolution, the changes, the adaptations that any point of creation or change involves. As he says, it’s not to avoid criticism either but to embrace it for growth and self-development – which ultimately it is so, it’s about having a ‘mirror’ of sorts wherein we can reflect back to ourselves to see how is it that what we are sharing is being received by others, and to me that’s something really precious in life, sincerely, because that’s what I personally enjoy about being a human being, where I can learn about myself through others, I can learn new things, new ways, new approaches from others and in turn also get to hear or read how other people have benefited from who I am, what I am, what I share, how I share, how I live – I consider that that’s already one steps into ‘making an impact’ on someone in a supportive manner.

Of course I am aware how I have probably also impacted people in and for all the ‘wrong reasons’ or ‘the wrong way’ as they say, but then it would also become an opportunity for them to question certain things, to maybe ‘snap’ themselves out of a certain expectation and be confronted with a more harsh, direct and ‘challenging’ point of view which I can now relate to as ‘who I was’ in those old YouTube videos that I certainly have to stop being ashamed of myself and understand within the context of who I was at that time, at that moment in my process and ultimately see that it might have assisted others to ‘check themselves’ if they felt affected, insulted or plainly attacked by whatever I said – that will be my part to take responsibility for, where I wasn’t being clear within me when sharing, where I deliberately wanted to attack ‘the perceived wrong side’ of things and where I wasn’t truly embracing ‘both sides’ as myself, because antagonism has certainly been one of the main ‘wires’ in my overall ‘wiring’ in my mind – and for that I’ve forgiven myself for not taking ‘all sides’ into considerations – and I continue to catch myself doing this and continue to learn how to practically embrace all sides, which is also quite an expansive, nurturing and fascinating process to me.

So, something I got from the documentary as well is how we have to have the courage to do things differently, to break our patterns, to decide to ‘stand up from the crowd’ not in an egotistical/superiority way, but to challenge the status quo and this begins with all the ways that we ‘share’ ourselves, which as it was recently mentioned in an Eqafe interview, we share ourselves all the time that we are around people, with words or actions, they all represent forms of communication and to me this entails both a gift and a responsibility that I have towards myself and so towards others to honor that ability, that capacity of understanding, of verbalizing, of moving, of doing that I can use as a constant point of expression, like constantly making sure who I am and what I do can become an ‘act of creation’ in itself – just like the one project I said I would do in terms of ‘becoming my own work of art’ and that’s truly then embracing our capacity as creators and authors in our own life.

In this chat I had with this friend yesterday, it was interesting to see how he considers this same point of responsibility towards himself as part of what he defines as ‘godly’ as ever present in everything, that ‘divinity’ if you will that exists within it all – which I call life – and as such it’s about taking responsibility for it/as it, honor it ourselves in the best way that we can. Of course the ‘ways’ to do it are as varied as there are human beings in this world, but that’s also what I’ve learned to see as unique and enjoyable, no two ‘human beings’ will have the absolute same ‘truth’ to themselves even if united by the same principles, it will always be different, unique yet always relatable to one another as ‘who we are’ towards one another.

So that’s how I’ve been walking a process to discharge my relationship to ‘criticism’ experienced in a negative way only and actually learn to embrace it, in my case many times being thankful whenever one comes at me challenging my perceived ‘truth’ or ‘righteousness’ because it’s not many people that dare to be so upfront with me either, and that’s something I’d like to challenge as well, because if anything I can learn a lot more from it in seeing who am I in relation to that criticism, discerning what I can use to learn, expand, grow and develop myself further and what is the kind of criticism that only contains reactions, projections with no supportive substance at all.

Another point I’ve learned is to take responsibility for my criticism towards others. If I am perceiving something is not ‘good enough’ and I have ideas of how to make it better, I am not just placing them out for ‘others to do and implement’ and leave the work-load for others to ‘do that for me,’ but I am learning to take responsibility/be in charge of my own criticism and turn it into a proposal for change and expansion that I can actively create and commit myself to contribute with, which is a way where one can take that stand of not only ‘noticing flaws’ and blaming or pointing fingers at others because ‘they are not doing it,’ but rather turn it into a self-empowering point of contributing to the cause, of being the one that does, acts, creates that which we can see is ‘missing’ within something or that could better things for everyone – now that’s quite a constructive criticism as well that leads to actions, doings, to creating changes for the betterment of something or someone, which is lined to sharing responsibility, to empowering oneself in such capacities as well and of course considering the benefit for ourselves and others in it.

Here also making sure that I am aware of ‘who I am’ within that criticism or providing such feedback, if I am doing so from a starting point of blame and disempowerment or if I am truly genuinely wanting to assist with something to better it, and that’s also something where I can only check within myself and how even if it may be perceived as finding faults or blame, I can only ever focus on making sure my starting point is clear, which also makes room for becoming more specific in how to communicate things in a way where one’s intent, starting point and contribution is clear for all people involved in such situation.

So, if there’s any reaction of disempowerment, feeling ‘not good enough’ etc. when getting criticism by others – or even within one’s own mind  it’s definitely time to place it out on paper, write it out, using self-forgiveness to see ‘who am I’ or ‘what of me’ is being ‘hurt’ by it, where am I going into disempowerment, where am I actually believing myself to not be capable to stand this ‘heat’ of the moment and use that to strengthen ourselves, to identify our weaknesses and actively work on re-aligning ourselves within them to a version of ourselves that can learn to read/watch/hear criticism objectively and develop an understanding of ‘where it is coming from’ and discerning what’s supportive and what’s not – that’s something that surely takes some practice but as anything, we all start somewhere and the point is getting to actually Do it, that’s the difference, rather than just remaining wallowing in worry, concern, pity and disempowerment about it, and that’s why I also recommend watching that first part of Ido Portal’s documentary, quite a fascinating parallel to understand what it entails to change at a Physical level – and not only talking about exercise/movements here – but about who we are in our minds as well.

Criticism is a great way to challenge myself and as such, I definitely have open doors to it, I kind of crave it at times which is an imbalance as well lol, so I have to simply take it as it comes and use it constructively as I’ve explained in this blog today.

Thanks for reading.

Please take your time and invest in supporting yourself while also supporting Desteni/Eqafe providing this information/courses that I have benefitted tremendously from and without which I would not have been able to write my story as I did just now, and you can do so by getting self-support audios, all of which will enrich your life in many more ways than what I’ve just shared above, including Ido Portal’s input on several things coincidentally being echoed in the content of this material, which is quite a cool confirmation of how this physical process of self-change takes place:

 

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Join us in our process of Self-Expression as LIFE


595. All that Could Have Been…

Or walking through and identifying an experience of regret through self-forgiveness

So, as I was watching a video today on Facebook from Leila at the Desteni farm, I saw that I had this knot in my throat forming – emotional experience – because of how much I have appreciated her throughout all of these years and the bond that I created with her at the time when I lived at the farm for a year.

And then, I went into thinking once again how my life could have been if I had gone there, how I could be sharing my own video about ‘deciding to be there’ as I am also seeing others are taking that opportunity and living it, and so the ‘inevitable’ came up which is realizing a form of regret from not having made that decision in my life to live there even though I said many times to everyone ‘I would’ and how this has also been more ‘latent’ these past days for various reasons and situations, which has become a point that has been lingering literally in the back of my head and going into feeling sorry for myself, my decisions, feeling ashamed for ‘the decisions I made’ and in a way entertaining too much of this ‘what could have happened if’ which is definitely not a supportive thing to do at all and so here I share self-forgiveness on it, because I see this is a ‘biggie’ that I’ve held on to for so many years in my life, kind of trying to ‘stick to my decision’ and justify it in many ways.

But I deep down within me know as well what were all the reasons, ideas, justifications behind it all and come now to terms to ‘who I was’ back then and as such why I made the decisions I made ‘back then’ and within that, realize that I just wasn’t ‘who I am now’ back then to make a different decision, to see and assess things differently and so embrace the ‘flaws’ and ‘mistakes’ that I believe I have made in terms of deciding things in my life before – it is part of walking through regret and learning to let go of it, which is a process that comes mostly through forgiving myself for it and walking it practically in every moment that I see myself wanting to go into the ‘mental torturing chamber’ of ‘what ifs’ and ‘all that could have been’ –

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret my decision to create and develop a particular relationship in my life instead of having taken the opportunity to go to the farm and live there and develop myself there, all within the idea, reason and excuse that I could make a difference in someone’s life, which upon seeing that there was no difference made in fact, I then have allowed myself to go into an idea of ‘time was wasted’ when in fact, I have to remind myself that I was very much there all the way through in that decision.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to this idea of ‘the past’ and ‘what I could have been and done’ as something that I compare myself to whenever I see the lives of people at the farm, instead of realizing how it is not supportive at all to be doing this to myself, to be holding myself captive to my decisions in the past and now seeing it all through remorse from ‘who I currently am’ looking at all the reasons why my decision ‘back then’ was flawed, instead of realizing that who I was ‘back then ‘ was existent in a particular context, timeframe, a particular experience that I had which I used as a reason, excuse and justification to make certain decisions in my life, which I have to here actually self-forgive for and let go completely of ‘all that could have been’ idea about myself, my life and my outcomes.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself for having created a relationship within the expectation of being able to have an impact in someone’s life and upon seeing such ‘expectation’ simply not happening, not being ‘fulfilled’ going into a sense of ‘losing time/wasting time/wasting resources’ and ‘wasting my life’ within such relationship, instead of realizing how it was in fact something I decided to do and was very certain of within myself at the time, which indicates that I have to learn how to ‘look back’ and see ‘who I was’ within it all in the context that it existed ‘at that time,’ because I am realizing how torturing it can be to want to see things ‘back then’ from who I currently am and in doing so wanting to change my decisions and go into these ‘potential scenarios’ of ‘what could have happened IF’ I had done this/that,  instead of learning to truly embrace and accept my decisions and stop judging myself for them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for the decisions I made a couple of years ago based on ‘who I currently am’ and how I am seeing myself, my life, my decisions, my potential currently which is certainly not the same as ‘who I was’ back then when I was there all the way making such changes and decisions in my life, therefore this is a point of me coming to terms with what I’ve decided to do or not do in my life and embrace what I did decide to do and create, and embrace its failures, mistakes, fallouts and turning points, because that is also what I see has had a ‘hold’ of me in terms of becoming comfortable with mistakes, but at the same time still holding on to a ‘what could have been’ which is in essence a very unnecessary way of tormenting myself within playing out these different scenarios of ‘what could have happened IF’ I had made this or that decision – instead, I have to completely take a deep breath, let go of that past and instead focus on what’s here for me to be, do, expand and create in my life – otherwise I’d be enslaving myself to ‘the past’ and spending my time feeling sorry about myself and my decisions, my perceived ‘failures’ and ‘mistakes’ instead of realizing how much I have also learned from that, including the first hand realization of what happens when I place myself in a ‘secondary position’ within the creation of a relationship and focusing on ‘doing it for the benefit of another’ which is again, not having a clear starting point within myself.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself for having created a relationship with a starting point of commiseration, which in fact does not reveal feeling ‘pity’ about another and their life and desiring to ‘make it all better for them only’ but rather  realizing that I was in fact as a starting point feeling pity about myself, about my life and how in doing so, I decided to create something within a flawed starting point resulting in an outcome that could obviously not stand ‘the test of time’ because of not having an equal relationship of self support in it, which I have come to accept and realize – though here for me, it is specifically about not seeing that whole creation point as ‘wasted time’ where I could have been doing other things, because the reality is that at that time I wasn’t seeing my life, my reality, my capacity and what I really want to live and do in my life as clearly as I consider I see it currently – which is part of also being considerate towards myself and not judge me for ‘the decisions I made’ in the past, or judge myself as being ‘too blind’ to see reality and then judge myself for the decisions made and the ‘failing’ outflows of such decision.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have avoided seeing my past relationship as a ‘failure’ due to seeing the word ‘failure’ as something that I would have avoided having in my life, instead of realizing how it’s actually a part of life, living, learning by making mistakes, taking ‘the wrong turn’ and making my way back to square one which does not only happen in relationships or over long periods of time, but it is something that I am prone to create in my day to day basis and as such I can only focus on identifying the ‘failure’ as a point to change and commit myself to do walking the correction, learning from it, but no longer judging myself for it.

Here I realize that I am the only one that has judged me all the way through in a very suppressed manner, which I have to now open up and come to terms with, because I definitely keep myself in a cage within this regret to ‘what I’ve done’ and ‘the choices I made’ within a certain phase in my life which is creating currently a ‘noise’ within me that is still causing me to not be entirely clear, accepting and embracing of myself, my current reality, my current decisions and point of self-creation, because of still in a very subtle way holding on to this ‘all that could have been different IF’ this/that decision in my life had been different.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an experience of pride within me to apparently be very aware of my decisions made, be very considerate of ‘who I was’ when I made the decisions and who I am currently in it – though in that not really looking at how I was still holding on a relationship to this ‘parallel life potential’ that I ‘could have developed’ if I had decided to for example go to the farm and develop myself there and how I have experienced a regret for not doing so and going into statements of ‘I really didn’t want to go there in fact’ when the reality is that any point of preference, dislike or ‘not wanting to’ is based on fears, limitations and not really wanting to be challenged in ways that I know I was challenged by when living there for a year, so

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel regret for having made decisions in my life based on wanting to remain in a particular comfort zone and/or deciding to instead create a relationship wherein  my starting point was ‘wanting to change another/wanting to be ‘that change’ for another or in another’s life, instead of placing the focus on me first, what I really want for myself – though, here also realizing that I didn’t really ‘know’ exactly what I wanted or more like I didn’t dare to actually write it out and actively create it for myself back then, I was more within a position of ‘settling with the least’ in a way within me, which I manifested and lived out for some time until consequence – gladly so – hit the fan and I was able to wake up and start looking at what I had set up myself for.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel ashamed for the decisions I made, for who I became in the decisions made within again this starting point of ‘who I was in the past’ instead of realizing that I have to embrace, accept that nature of me at the time and that it is still a part of me that I have to continue to learn to change, align and embrace as an aspect of myself that I can only now redirect, change, redefine towards a supportive outcome, such as now not settling ‘for the least’ or within a perceived ‘comfort zone,’ but actually embrace and move towards creating a life where I know I can be more challenged, where I can get out of a comfort zone – which doesn’t necessarily mean having to wait to ‘go somewhere else’ but I can start doing so from where I am and how I currently am living.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created a resistance to going into places like Instagram because of avoiding seeing pictures of people at the farm, all the farm projects and developments and life there because of perceiving that I gave that up as part of my life and that I would become jealous of them having such lifestyle even though I am aware I ‘turned down’ that decision to go there and so this is of course not about ‘others’ and ‘their lives’ or ‘what they publish’ but it all has to do with my relationship of regret, of ‘what ifs’ and ‘all that could have been’ associated with this parallel-life path that I’ve held on to throughout several years now in my mind within this intermittent idea of ‘I should have gone there’ and having gone to live at the farm or not, instead of deciding to embrace my decision and stop creating a comparison of where I am and what I currently am doing with the lives of others.

Comparison can be such a fuckup really, because in that one only focuses on these ‘ideas’ of what others’ lives are like and what ‘my life’ could have been like, instead of focusing on what’s here, what’s in my reality, what I can do and create in it, as is and if there’s something I am not satisfied with then looking at expanding it – it’s entirely up to me and it’s in my hands – so here realizing that the healthiest thing to do is to entirely let go of this idea of ‘I should have gone there’ or ‘I let that opportunity go’ in that particular timeframe in the past, which of course is not ‘here’ any longer and as such, I have to remind myself any time that this ‘I should have gone there’ experience comes up,  that it’s done, it’s not ‘here’ anymore, I let go and focus on my reality within the simplicity of realizing I made such choices, I own my creation and stop wallowing in regret about it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to entertain the belief of ‘being able to turn back time’ and seeing myself making a different choice because I am fully aware of who I was when I made certain decisions in my life and I did say such things to myself as ‘realizing that I am fully aware of my decision’ and being entirely into it at that time, which means that such idea as in ‘going back in time’ is nothing else but a very torturing mental entertainment that has no purpose in my reality.

I have to instead rather make sure I learn from such past, to learn how I made certain decisions within a belief of ‘benefiting others’ or ‘wanting to change others’ instead of focusing entirely on me, my life, what I want to create and co-create with another in the future to come, which is then where I can make sure that I am entirely committing to and agreeing with the path that I decide to walk – and no longer compromise within ideas of ‘benefiting others’ or ‘doing it for others’ in any way anymore, which has actually been quite a constant in my life where I’ve ended up living more ‘for others’ than living my own life fully and along with that create and establish relationships and plans that are equally supportive for all people involved.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having believed that I didn’t know what ‘regret’ was because ‘I was there all the way’ in making certain decisions and choices in my life and being ‘aware’ of that, but I see now that regret in me exists as this ‘holding on to’ the potential ‘what if’ scenario or ‘all that could have been’ different – usually imagined within a positive light – IF I had not taken this/that decision in my life, which is then how regret becomes a torturing mind entertainment that has no value in my current life, and therefore I let go of it within the realization that I can only now reflect on that time in my life, the decisions made and embrace it as part of ‘who I was’ and all its harms and charms at the time, which become experiences I can learn from and stand up from now in my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe or perceive that I had to excuse myself towards others for my decisions made, that I had to ‘leave things clear for them’ only, instead of seeing that in doing so I was only trying to ‘clean up my act’ as a way to justify my decisions because I was the only one existing in a judgment and ultimately a regret about them, which has been opening up lately as I’ve seen people now making the decision to live in the farm which is something that I procrastinated for many years and eventually let go of as a possibility in my life, which I now embrace as my decision and my creation.

Now here not to make me feel better or go into hope, but that is gone, done, can’t go ‘back’ at all to change my mind and my decisions – but who knows also what I can decide to create in a future time and how I can finally ‘face the point’ again, maybe not in the same way I thought I would in the past years, but still as long as I am alive, I decide what kind of doors I open and close and this is the real focus here, being able to embrace my decisions, my past, my doings, my non-doings and stop judging myself for it all, because as I mentioned several times already it becomes torturing, emotional and a waste of breaths that I could be directing to what I truly have to focus on doing now.

So here I commit myself to stop giving into any potential outflows as imaginations of ‘all that could have been’ and ‘all the mistakes I could have prevented in my life’ If I had made this or that decision – I let go of the past while also embracing it as actually a very ‘necessary’ consequence in a way that I am now going through in order to see how far I can take myself when not focusing on ‘myself/my own life’ but more so focusing on ‘wanting to save/change others’ lives’ or ‘wanting to be there for others’ and/or even more so doing so in a form of spite of ‘demonstrating to others that I can care for another that has ‘not been cared for’ by others before’ and in a way realizing that ultimately I only spited myself back within deciding to have such starting point in my life and relationships – what is left to do? I can only forgive myself for it, embrace it, learn from it and let go of it to the point where I can recall ‘what has been,’ as the memories that I have in me and breathe every time any sensation of regret as ‘all that could have been’ idea comes into mind – and in that focus directly back to where I am, who I am, what I can do, be and create here where I’m at.

Ok, checking… empty of this point for now? seems so – therefore I’ll share anything else if it continues to open up as I walk this point real time. This is one of those examples of when we can interact with things even in our ‘computers’ and if we see something ‘moving’, we can take that initiative to investigate, open it up, write it out and in a way clear one’s relationship to the point/thing we saw that we had reacted to.

Thanks for reading !

 

A supportive audio to embrace and walk through one’s ‘backchat’ and learn to self-forgive it, is here:

Who Are You When Challenged – The Future of Awareness – Part 91

 

For more on Self-Forgiveness:


Difficult Moments of Self Forgiveness – Back to Basics

Realization and Forgiveness – Journeys Into the Afterlife – Part 90

Realizations Take Time to Create – Back to Basics

Real Forgiveness vs. Feel Good Forgiveness – Life Review

 

Nostalghia

Join us in our process of Self-Expression as LIFE


594. Who Decides?

Or how I’ve been able to establish a pillar of support for myself from the time I decided to ‘kick a habit’ and get to know who I am as the authority of myself.

Last week there was an interesting discussion in our group chat about self-authority and how many times we believe we ‘don’t have a say’ in opening up something within ourselves or others that we know could be fixed, corrected, changed for the betterment of a situation and everyone involved. However, we concluded how relevant it is to instead of wanting to ‘fix things out there’ first, we have to take things ‘back to self’ where one can instead see ‘who am I’ in relation to this point that I’m wanting to change in others and as such, seeing where one’s authority is in the whole case.

What do I mean by this ‘self-authority’ and how I have neglected my own in my life? I’ve found how I’ve conditioned myself several times in various contexts/situations based on an idea, belief or perception of myself as ‘not having the authority’ to change something in me, and it obviously doesn’t come up with such words as in ‘Oh crap, I don’t have authority over that!’ but it comes in the form of ‘I can’t change this, it’s not coming natural to me, based on my past it’s just not something that I can do, it’s who I’ve always been, that would not be me doing that, it’s just not ‘my thing,’ I would not feel entirely ‘me’ doing/saying/being that, I would feel so fake because I’ve never done that/expressed that before’ and one cool question that I’ve come up whenever these things come up which are a form of disempowerment is saying to myself “Well, Who Decides?”

And this ‘who’ is really then a way to bring myself back to who I decide to be, to realize that I am that authority that is able to decide how I can take the first steps to ‘step into the new,’ to start taking those ‘first steps’ in creating something, to decide to practice and express new things, in new ways, to be the one that makes a decision on what I express, what I choose, what I decide to move towards – it’s entirely up to me and the possibilities of doings so – all things considered of course within the context, possibilities, affordability, time, skills and the rest of practical common sensical things to look at when deciding to do something as a practical assessment of ‘I can’ do it and take reality into consideration – but I no longer give that power to my mind’s limitations as in ‘I can’t’ or ‘It’s gonna take so long that I rather just not do it at all’ or ‘It’s not my thing’ or ‘It’s going to be so difficult’ because I am aware how many times I’ve set such seemingly ‘excusable traps’ to myself as limitations which ultimately have led me to ‘long timeloops’ that I’m sorting out currently in my life and have realized are coming from fears of essentially stepping out of my comfort zone and actually ‘do change’ as it was mentioned in a recent recording on Eqafe.

Interestingly enough, this past week I’ve had conversations with a few individuals and it was cool to see that they all have been looking more intently into quitting a certain day to day habit such as weed, alcohol, smoking or even addiction to self-deprecation and ‘past sorrows’ lol. So I found it quite cool that all of them have been looking beyond the ‘habit’ or ‘addiction’ in itself – meaning going beyond the obvious habit created to experiencing some chemical/stimulation change in their bodies – or certain emotional experience – but more looking at and into what of themselves is being suppressed in those habits, where are they keeping themselves in these Timeloops or recycling of experiences day in and day out without really stepping out of the pattern and questioning ‘who am I’ without this habit/addiction/repetitive experience in my day to day? What’s behind my ‘need’ to do it on a daily basis, at the same times or in the same ‘social contexts’ etc.?

It’s quite interesting because quitting an addiction, stopping it or even taking the first step to question it and test out not ‘giving into it’ for one day is already a huge step for many, even more so for those that are not that aware of the various consequences created at a mind, physical and being level within the relationship created to certain substances/chemicals – but more so in discovering ‘what kind of expressions, words to live have I been suppressing or not developing for myself wherein I then believe I ‘need’ this substance in me to focus, to do things, to let go, to relax, to open up conversations with people, to ‘be me’, to enjoy life, to develop my skills in music/art/creativity’ and the rest of expressions that I can totally understand may not be ‘natural’ to most of us, but sure as hell I can say now that it IS entirely possible to be a ‘socially lubricated’, open, focused, relaxed, joyful, creative individual as one can experience oneself with drugs and being entirely sober and still manage to be all of those expressions that we have given our authority to create and develop for ourselves through needing a certain substance in our bodies/minds.

Here I’m mostly describing some of what I’ve discovered myself as well through having been a person that also had fallen into such habits before for various reasons and contexts, creating a dependency to ‘express myself’ for example creatively relying on a particular substance to ‘do that for me’ or ‘be the catalyst.’ And interestingly enough I was also listening to a person’s vlog this morning on menopause and creating an analogy of the symptoms of it being similar to withdrawal symptoms after being a drug addict, where her expression as a reason to take some ‘herbal stuff’ to calm her down was ‘I can’t deal with this’ and her entire expression was that of fighting back tears, being clearly emotional and believing that yes it’s too bad she can’t walk through it without the use of this ‘herb’ or drug.

Now I have no authority there to judge her or consider her as weak for needing that, I have no idea what menopause feels like nor how it is felt if one has been a drug addict, but the point that caught my attention is precisely going into that belief or experience of ‘I can’t deal with this’ where we believe we ‘can’t do it’ or ‘can’t stand’ something, where we in fact believe ourselves to be ‘less than’ such experiences in our minds and bodies – because yep, we have definitely intertwined them to such an extent that any ‘withdrawal’ symptom is not only a psychological but a physical dependency to cut off as well.

And I realized that those are mostly consequential outflows from having created such dependency in the first place – meaning, if one has to quit something, sure there will be withdrawal symptoms at various physical and psychological levels, re-wiring oneself or ‘re-adapting’ to not doing it anymore entails an entire ‘re-alignment’ of one’s day to day experience which has to be in a way ‘re built’ depending on the extent that one has ‘wired’/intertwined one’s life depending on these drugs to do/be/activate certain experiences within us, and that’s where a lot of patience, dedication, perseverance and consistency comes in, as well as being gentle to ourselves because it sure is quite a ‘shock’ to the body that has been conditioned at times for decades to do something as a regular habit. And also, very important, to seek out for support as well!

Having said that, it doesn’t mean it’s going to be an impossible thing where we are kind of already seeing the ‘long road’ and see it as ‘too much to go through’ and immediately create ‘backdoors’ and talk ourselves into this ‘oh no, it’s going to be hard, it’s going to be hell, it will be so difficult! I rather just leave things as they are, I’m ok, it would only compound the problems…’ – right there is ourselves speaking as the worst or lesser version of ourselves that is not realizing the authority we truly have to change things. As the saying goes here ‘Where there’s a will, there’s a way’.

However, I am also aware that it’s entirely up to each one to make this kind of decisions but I personally haven’t talked myself out of my decisions in for example stopping habits I kicked out some 9 and a half years ago when I started this process with Desteni where my starting point was: I want to know who I am without all of these experiences, this ‘neediness’ for something causing me to ‘be’ or ‘express’ in a particular way,’ because I saw it as self-deception, as fooling myself, just like cheating in winning a game type of thing where you know that it’s not you doing the effort or developing the skills as such, but paying off your triumph or bribing someone to change the numbers for you to ‘feel like a winner.’ It’s just a point of self-dishonesty that I decided to stop within me which became a very relevant, sturdy pillar of support for the development of my self-trust – as in realizing ‘I can do this, I can walk through it’ and prove to myself eventually that ‘it wasn’t as hard/bad/tough/difficult as I thought it would be’ and in doing so, kind of debunking this ‘greater than myself’ fear that I had towards leaving these habits, patterns, emotional experiences in my mind, which enabled me to start seeing and realizing what? My self-authority – bingo.

So to me it’s been an interesting week of looking at this word of ‘self-authority’ and questioning where in my life I started first realizing this ‘authority’ that I have within myself, as in living that statement ‘I decide’ and within that decision moving as it, giving it a continuation as in doing something, changing something, stopping participating in something within the understanding of how I want to do this for myself, to get to really know me, to get to really express me instead of having a substance ‘doing the thing for me’ shrinking and wallowing in the back of myself in a position of disempowerment, while allowing a chemical, a substance to ‘kick in’ and be the ‘powerful hero’ one instead of me.

Self authority to me is that strength, that determination that is built not in one single day and within one single decision of ‘changing’ something, but it is something that is daily built and reassured within that continued commitment to myself not only in ‘kicking detrimental habits’ but in the various decisions I make to support myself, to be aware of myself, to ground myself, to work things that come up and ‘knock me off’ from my stability for a moment – I decide who I am in all those bits of moments, and even when there’s ‘nothing happening’ I then focus more into the detail of my physical, what do I have to correct in terms of tightness, tension, tensing up lips, feet, facial muscles, where am I frowning without awareness, where am I again having this undercurrent of ‘rushing’ and there’s in essence always, always  something that I can be focusing on in this same context of establishing the authority of myself, my direction, my decision and action in terms of ‘who I decide to be’ in every moment and in the detail of myself as my physical body.

So, I very much enjoy extending the support that I’ve given to myself to these people in my life that I’ve come to know are walking through this ‘stopping the habit’ phase and enjoy making questions and sharing about my own experience as a way to understand ourselves better as ‘creatures of habit’ and how we can open up things for ourselves that can assist us is sticking to these decisions and testing out ‘who we are’ without these addictions/detrimental habits – or more so discovering ‘what of ourselves’ is hiding behind such habits. It’s a very interesting process and an enjoyable one dare I say because to me every single person that decides to ‘stand up’ in their lives is ‘one plus’ to this equation of self-support that will ripple out not only in our own body, but to the lives of many more that we can continue to inspire to consider doing the same in their lives, as what is ‘best for all.’ That’s why I also decided to write this blog and extend these realizations and support for others that may also be deciding to quit stuff recently.

So If you that’s reading this is considering or coming to the realization that it’s time to ‘kick that old habit’ out of your life, all I can say is Go For It! To me that’s been one of the pieces of ‘freedom’ in my life that I’ve been able to create, to be clean and say ‘I don’t depend on this/that to be me in any given context or activity’ in terms of substances/drugs/alcohol etc. It’s truly liberating in many aspects, and to me that’s one piece added to forming the completion of one’s self-authority as in living the statements of I decide, I do change, I live my decision, I walk through the process it takes with its ups and downs, starting overs and mistakes – I stand right back up if I fall, I stick to it, I trust myself, I persevere, I get it done and I see it through.

Thanks for reading!

 

Take Pills

 

Join us in our process of Self-Expression as LIFE


593. Missing 5 seconds in reality

 

Or how the pattern of desiring to get things done as fast and efficiently as possible can carry consequences where reality hits hard to see what I’m participating in.

I had an interesting situation going on yesterday when I was out to buy a ticket for a concert that I’ve been waiting for a long time, and I did notice there was this bit of anxiousness to ‘get to the spot’ to see if they were available already and having in mind that this has to get done ‘quick’ because there are not so many spots available in the place where this band will play. So, I went to get the money from the bank to then go somewhere else to pay for it, and I was intently aware of taking step by step, walking ‘fast’ yet slowing down within me because I am quite aware of how things go when I go into a ‘rush mode’ and get anxious and stressed out about things that certainly don’t have to be experienced that way, and I considered I was doing that Except for 10 seconds or less that 10 seconds when I was approaching the car that was parked in the parking lot of another store and where I went into considering how I had to ‘rush now to get into the car so that we can get out now that the avenue is kind of empty and not full of buses and cars’ and just because of in that one moment focusing on a supposed ‘convenience’ for my mother to get the car out of there with more ‘ease’ I stopped focusing on my own two feet and focused on looking at the street and trying to rush, because I also heard how she started the car while I was approaching it, so that I also ‘took on as a signal’ that ‘I had to rush to get into the car’ – all MY interpretation of course within this ‘hurry hurry’ mentality – and just as I was on the back of the car ‘on my way to get into it’ I fell down, hard on my knees and fortunately I did place my hands on the ground which means I fortunately didn’t hit my face on the ground again – lol – but it hurt quite a bit.

I stood up very quickly, also in a way because I was ashamed if my dress had gone up and exposed myself to the people behind, lol, so that was interesting as well in terms of how I didn’t even bother to check that much how my knees were doing or if I had dropped anything, I just wanted to get the hell out of there as fast as possible because of this underlying experience of being ashamed for having possibly ‘exposed’ myself while falling.

I got back into the car saying “let’s go quick, I fell really hard” – and I don’t even know why I went into such rush, stressing out my mother who had no idea of what happened, I just wanted to get home in case something worse than just a bruise had happened, because pain was quite extensive. So, fortunately I have a bit of ointment with me so I rubbed it on my knees all the way back, and as I did that I realized that I had rushed for those last 5 seconds before getting into the car and how those 5 rushed seconds were the moment where I fell and how I had again fallen into the pattern of ‘wanting to facilitate things for others’ and thinking of ‘efficiently being able to get out of there without much hassle’, defining hassle as in traffic, buses, lots of cars etc. and missing out my own sure step.

I’ve shared similar situations before where it again shows that I am going into ‘antsy’ mode about something, and there were several dimensions to it, including getting to pay the ticket and essentially secure it, and how even if I was ‘paying attention’ to my every step of the way in all the previous moments, it only took one single 5 second moment to again focus on ‘rushing’ and bam, fell down in that one moment.

So, within reflecting back I kind of set up myself to have ‘something going wrong’ with it just because of the amount of expectation, fear of ‘not getting a ticket’ and the idea that I had to rush to get it, which even if I tried to manage in doing the various transactions, it got to eventually happen in this kind of outflows where I cannot ascertain that it had to do with ‘all the energy I had piled up around this event’ or something like that, but it is simply interesting that I took one single moment for granted in my ‘slowing down’ and rushed to ‘benefit others’ or to ‘facilitate things’ or to be able to ‘efficiently get out of there’ and that’s where reality stopped me, hard, lol. Another thing is that I didn’t become angry as I probably would have before, angry at ‘myself’ or the ‘uneven sidewalk’ or whatever, I truly did focus on rubbing my knees and breathing through the hideous pain.

I’m doing ok, but I share it because I think it’s quite common for this kind of things to just ‘happen’ in one second and also sharing how supportive it is to use ice, bags of ice on bruises, for 20 to 30 minutes right after the impact if possible and put it on 3 times a day at least during that same day and the following ones according to how it goes looking/feeling. Also some ointments that are meant to be used for bruises are great for that and generally, to me this is another reminder of not going into a rush-mode again, not even for 5 seconds where I go into the same old pattern and bam, consequence ‘hits the ground’ literally. And I am also grateful for the strength of my bones, I truly thought I had broken them, it was quite painful but it was a momentary thing and impact

And… yep I got my ticket… of course any ‘excitement’ for it completely washed away and I feel nothing for having it, which is interesting as well, it will be something I get to assist to when the day comes and that’s it. For now I realize there are certainly ‘little’ reality wake up calls to remind myself to not take my body, my life, my 5 seconds of reality for granted or pretend I can ‘fly’ for a moment and have things go ‘perfectly’ and ‘my way’ entirely… nope… and I’m glad to realize that and so, again, remind myself to slow down at all times, no matter ‘what.’

Also here realizing that I have to in those moments, instead of wanting to stand up right back up as if nothing had happened to avoid having to ‘face the shame’ for having fallen down in a public place, I have to take a moment to breathe and check how I am doing before thinking immediately on ‘hiding from others seeing that I fell down’, because it all has to do with having an expected idea of myself – dealing with perfection/nothing ever going wrong like this – and that subtly still creating this embarrassment experience about it, because in those moments I’ve felt vulnerable of course and with the mix of pain and embarrassment it becomes an experience I tend to immediately want to ‘go back to normal,’ instead of admitting that I missed a step, I rushed, I fell and hurt myself, I need to focus on my physical body, not on my ‘desires’ of ‘how I want things to be perceived and done.’

So there’s an aspect to being vulnerable in those moments and allow myself to check myself first, to be ok in those moments because no one is ‘safe from it’ either, it can happen to anyone and it also reminds me how I’ve judged ‘falling down’ as some kind of weakness, which interestingly enough I had also written out before here even through witnessing this kind of ‘accidents’ happening to others… which speaks a lot about this desire for perfection, everything going ‘alright’ and ‘on time’ and ‘as expected’ every single time I am doing anything… well reality definitely has made me look again at these points to see where I have to slow down at all times, not allow any point to ‘rush’ in order to get something done ‘efficiently ‘ or ‘without hassle’ because in essence it’s also still running from a starting point of fear: fearing the hassle of getting out there, fearing time running out, fearing not getting to pay the ticket.. all sorts of really ‘puny’ thoughts that I have tended to give so much value to, which are not worth the consequences that could have been worse at times when we miss out these ‘5 seconds’ – or less – in reality, which I’ve seen can happen also in worse ways and it’s not cool at all.

So, I commit myself to not go into rush mode for any reason, life is not to be taken for granted, physical body is not to be taken for granted as a vehicle to ‘satisfy my mental desires’… but ‘I got my ticket.’

Thanks for reading.

 

 IMG_6826

 

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592. Looking for Meaning in Creation

 

Or how I imposed this ‘holier than thou’ experience to art creation and how I decide to stand in relation to it as a point of self-expansion.

Continuing from the points I opened up yesterday and going straight into the point of ‘looking for meaning’. This also opened up through watching another film, this one by Carlos Reygadas called Post Tenebras Lux and after I watched it, I was also expecting some kind of life changing outcome or realization – just like I did with Paterson which I described yesterday, and I am usually not just conforming with having a ‘meh’ experience about things as if ‘I truly didn’t get anything out of it’ or as if ‘I can’t really learn anything about myself with it.’ I’ve learned that we can always gather something to learn from anything/anyone in our lives and I’ve been using certain kind of films to do just that.

So I decided to check out interviews with the director to know more about his ‘intent’ or ‘purpose’ with this movie, and it was actually quite refreshing to do so because he basically also assisted me to debunk my expectations and see beyond this ‘search for meaning and purpose’ or ‘giving a message with/through art.’ In this interview here he explains how he’s not a propagandist, he doesn’t have a ‘message to give’ in his films other than using the language that film is – as images and sound – and showing things that he likes, that he finds beautiful, places where he lives in and showing the simplicity of life – and that’s it.

Then I was able to again ‘rewind’ my experience through watching the film and basically seeing myself have that same ‘expectation’ of something suddenly happening that will ‘change the course of events’ – which surely, it does at some point – but most of the film is very slow, moment by moment depiction of life and normal people’s interactions, people that are not even actors and he essentially used his own house and kids to do the film, very simplistic kind of film that turns out as a nice thing to watch altogether. And so through listening to his explanation, I was able to realize more about this ‘urge’ to ‘find a meaning’ to everything, and within that realizing how much I have constantly sought this ‘meaning’ in life and to things to the point where I have ‘missed out’ on life itself as I described in my previous blog because of this desire to find ‘something greater than life’ in things – lol – which is impossible, because life just is, anything ‘greater’ is just a mindfuck, to be honest.

And this is how I came to see that my approach to art and doing art was basically coming from a mindfuck, a desire to create something ‘bigger than myself’ and that would ‘transcend me,’ that would ‘become a message to the world’ of something mystical or incomprehensible through words and… ah! and there I go, again to that one point where I essentially created my own mindfuck which I’ll explain for the sake of context and ‘refreshing’ my story to see how I ‘wired’ myself into this ‘conflict’ essentially, becoming the words that I speak.

After high school I wanted to study visual arts, the university I wanted was in ‘the big city’ and I essentially conformed with my second option at the time because you know ‘how will the youngest of the house leave at a tender age to the big-monster Mexico City?’ and so that’s what I did. I coursed a first year at the Literature and Linguistic faculty here in my home city’s university and to say the least I kept my finger on the same spot of ‘I want to create art, not study books’ – and my second option was of course writing my own stuff, but going to school for that didn’t make sense, and somehow going to school for arts made more sense lol, but that’s another story.

To sum it up, I created my own inner conflict in saying that I had enough of words, that I was sick of words, that I wanted to ‘part ways’ with words – lol – that there’s something ‘more to say’ through images and so yeah here quoting that point of ‘we become what we think’ and I eventually decided to quit literature school and apply to get to the National University to study visual arts in Mexico City – I got in, got the support, went there and walked it through. And while I was there during the first year I made this idea of myself being dissatisfied with ‘just words’ and how I wanted to create something MORE than just words which I then equated to creating pieces of art because that’s how I then ‘wired’ myself to think that it was somehow ‘more important’ or ‘greater than’ myself, lol.

Here the pattern then becomes clear how there had been this drive to do something ‘beyond me’ apparently within a desire of superiority, of magnificence, of grandeur, of big meanings and ‘deep’ stuff that could touch people’s inner-core and ‘change them forevermore’ lolol. Well, as funny as it may sound now to me, that was sort of my intent within studying art and turning it all into this very emotional, chaotic and drama-queen process that I walked in this ‘quest’ to find meaning in life through art, and that’s how I then got very deep into mysticism, religions, philosophy, new age writings, old traditions and anything I could find that would talk about this ‘greater nonsense’ than ourselves mortals on this Earth. To sum it up, I was trying to ‘find god’ in art and that whole ‘quest’ and ‘journey’ to ‘find it’ is what became this seemingly insatiable desire to ‘quench’ my desire to know the ultimate things, to ‘find the greater truth’ and for some reason I linked this to arts and god, but it is what it is.

It’s actually no different to how we go through our lives seeking a meaning, a purpose to our lives, and we don’t realize that they are all just concepts in our heads! Which then makes us inactive, passive ‘waiters’ for ‘life to happen’ instead of realizing we are the ones we have been waiting for and that we have to be the ones that decide to Create our lives and create such day to day purpose no matter how seemingly ‘irrelevant’ it is, we decide HOW we define things, and we decide if we trap and limit ourselves in our own definitions as well, entirely up to us, but all I can say is that we truly have to evolve from this ‘endless seeking and waiting’ for something ‘greater’ to happen to us, We Are It!

The point here is to remind myself of these bits of my story to debunk any current reminiscence of trying to ‘find’ or ‘create’ this ‘something’ bigger than life in arts, or wanting to create something ‘super deep’ and ‘super meaningful’ and that could ‘awaken people up’ through images, because that’s still existent as part of this old drive and ‘thirst’ that I associated with arts and creation as something that would be ‘transcending myself’ in some kind of mystical way… I was definitely on my way to essentially trip myself with my artwork into this godhood path… but fortunately one year into art school I found Desteni, and bam! the rest is history.

So that’s why this year when I decided to take on arts again as a full time activity, this kind of ‘desire to create meaningful stuff’ has come through again, to the point where I have limited myself so much in what I would do because of not wanting to be ‘superficial’ or ‘trivial’ in what I paint, which interestingly enough I have been challenging myself with doing, such as painting the kind of paintings that I had before judged as ‘decorative’ in nature and as such a ‘lower’ form of art, which of course is all again a definition, a judgment that I’ve been brainwashed with and so imposed to things mostly from the ‘education’ one gets in art school where you are apparently a ‘lower’ kind of ‘artisan’ if you paint stuff that people simply likes to have around for how pretty it looks.

Needless to say that these past months of being doing that kind of paintings I have faced my mind-ful and mouthful of judgments right on my face as I’ve shared before, where I have worked on stopping ‘dwelling’ on the image itself, the ‘judgments’ that I’d associate with painting something in particular, to in essence let go of how I had been taught to categorize the kind of painting I was doing and stick to seeing it as what it is, an image that I paint, and that’s it.

Man, it hasn’t been a walk in the park to be honest, and that’s how it’s been also very cool because I know that it’s all in my head! It’s just a bunch of concepts, ideas, theories, labels that I’ve associated with certain kinds of art measured in an apparent ‘higher’ or ‘lower’ scale that god knows who has decided to layout for some people to then identify with ‘lower’ or ‘higher’ forms of art.

And as I take a deep breath, I realize that it’s all knowledge and information that I can decide to simply let go of in the moment when I am painting something and stop comparing the image or ‘what I am painting’ to any piece of information/knowledge that I’ve read or heard before and what I’ve been doing instead is precisely getting to establish a quiet presence while painting, which is stopping the judgments around ‘the final picture’ and ‘how it would be categorized/considered in the art world’ or how ‘others would categorize it’ and instead just focus on doing it the best way that I can.

I’ve also realized how in doing things that are out of my comfort zone, I’ve been able to rather focus on the practicality of making something that turns out well in and of itself, where I am challenged in terms of technique and skills and pushing myself to develop more patience at times with certain kind of images that ‘I would never had accepted to paint’ a decade ago… lol I see that I am right where I can in essence catapult my ego back to where it belongs with this kind of tasks that I currently have when it comes to painting, and so practically walking through this ‘desire to create something meaningful’ as in ‘above of myself’ through art, and instead rather focusing on doing things that I am satisfied with, as a piece in itself – no comparisons, no classifications, no labels, but seeing it as the final product that it is.

And yes, I’m aware that any art purist reading this could have a heart attack, which is something I would have had a decade ago and that I’ve essentially had to practically walk through to be doing what I’m currently doing. I still have to get to the point of being genuinely satisfied within myself in it, where I can genuinely ‘like’ it which has a lot to do with rewiring my perceptions, judgments, preferences attached to art which who knows maybe I won’t ever get to ‘re-wire’ and change to like stuff that I know I can create, but don’t necessarily ‘like.’ And so I can redefine this ‘likeness’ not to as personal preference, but as a set of objective parameters of something being well made, well finished and where I am satisfied that I did my best to accomplish it, where I was detailed enough in it and at the same time continue learning and expanding as I go.

Because that’s another very tricky part about art where I believe that it could be an ‘endless’ thing to do because there’s no finite ‘end’ to something, one can always remake it and add things or re-do things and yep, actually currently walking that with some pieces, but I see it as part of getting my hands on this after a long time and so, I rather appreciate and make the best of the time that I have to practice and test things out that I had not done before. To sum up: I am expanding on what I can do and that’s being out of my comfort zone and yeah it’s challenging, but I’m not fighting it or complaining about it at all – it’s simply a matter of bit by bit expanding my horizons as I say in relation to what I am capable of doing.

I won’t lie, I find it quite difficult to say when something is ‘done’ for example, but that’s where I have to keep practicing and start building some self-trust with my creations, which is quite suitable for this self-process as well.

To finalize, what do I decide to make of ‘meaning’? I’ve been looking at this word and what opens up is ‘me-ning’ I decide what I make of things and so to be aware of when I am trying to make something ‘more’ or ‘less’ than anything in my mind, to elevate it or seek for some kind of ‘higher purpose’ to things which is not the point at all. I precisely have to let go of all of these ‘grandeur’ and ‘depth’ in concepts to something as simple as an image painted on a canvas. It just is, doesn’t ‘need’ or ‘require’ to mean something. I decide what kind of ‘me-ning’ I create for it, what I decide to imprint on it and it doesn’t necessarily have to do with the image or content in it, but with ‘who I am’ in the manufacturing of it. In essence, I have to remove this ‘divine aura’ to art which I sincerely don’t even know anymore where the hell I got this idea from… might be art school but seems it was there before already – doesn’t really matter though, point is that I’m aware now of what this ‘holier than thou’ thing is in relation to art.

Within this it has been quite cool to know other artist’s stories and how their approach to doing art was much more simple and ‘normal’ to them, without any pretense other than doing something they could spend their time on while being mostly alone or ‘having nothing to do’ in any given day. Their approach to doing art became a part of ‘what they do for fun’ and as such, there is no baggage with this kind of divine, holistic and godly associations that I imposed onto ‘art creation’ in my life. De-mystifying is a word that is suitable, because when I strip things from this ‘mindfuck’ what is left is the thing in itself, with physical characteristics that are quite obvious and evident and don’t require any ‘extra-head’ to create a meaning for… and that makes sense for me to continue working on, to keep it grounded, keep it physical, keep it simple… because something tells me that’s where I can in fact see ‘the truth’ of myself beyond knowledge and information in the sheer act of painting.

Ok! That’s it… in time I might have some more feedback on this, for now I’m satisfied about seeing all the connections made and where I decide to stand in relation to this ‘meaning’ word in my day to day and when I approach other creations such as films, paintings, etc. Thanks for reading

 

Plastic Chair

 

Join us in our process of Self-Expression as LIFE


591. Looking Forward and Missing Out the Life

Or how I’ve realized the expectations I’ve built upon ‘my life’ creating a ‘waiting mode’ for these ‘grandiose things’ yet to happen, instead of appreciating life as it takes place in every moment to truly learn to live.

I’ve been looking at my relationship with ‘meaning’ and I am aware that this might be more of a ‘philosophical’ approach here that I haven’t written out in a while, but it’s equally important to me due to what I’ve been doing recently which is painting again and doing so from a different starting point than how it all ‘once began’ for me in this curiosity and ‘desire to express’ all of these ‘things’ that I wanted to say somehow after having been writing and reading a lot on my own, taking on painting as a way to now ‘do my part’ in not only ‘taking in’ others’ creations, but also expressing it out/giving back something, somehow. That all started during a summer 14 years ago, so here I am 14 years later reflecting on what has been this ‘ride’ with my intent behind painting and ‘arts’ in general and how much of a ‘big deal’ I made of it in my mind.

I notice how I started paintings more as a ‘way of communicating’ something, wanting to ‘express’ something which yes at the time in the plethora of little watercolors I made were all related to feeling sorry for myself, feeling depressed, feeling lonely or painting an ‘ideal lifestyle’ that I would somehow someday get to experience myself in, so in a way yes painting emotional states or ‘ideal situations’ I’d see myself in, painted my fears of the future, my fears of growing up and getting into the ‘adult world’ and in a way wanting to stay within the realm of the ‘eccentric’ out of the ‘usual things’ to do in life, like the regular job and the regular ‘adult lifestyle’ that is completely immersed in the system and living a routine that ‘slowly kills you’ quoting Radiohead’s song which I would have on repeat mode while starting this ‘new thing’ for me to explore at the time which was painting, having no background on it, no painting lessons, no artsy relatives, no nothing, just some drawings here and there that I’d be focusing on during classes, because somehow it assisted me in remaining focused on what was being said.

Focusing here on that ‘desire to express’ to me was my way of ‘creating a meaning’ and ‘creating a purpose’ to something that I had many times judged as trivial, like paintings, stuff that I would fixate on and hang around me just for the pure sake of – as I’ve defined it – ‘visual viciousness’, which  yes I ‘gave up’ for some time apparently while walking this process but, I decided to not make it a fixation anymore or this energized relationship of ‘seeing beautiful things’ around me to give them a name, because some were not necessarily ‘beautiful’ yet they more had a meaning to me. Each thing that I had around me had a ‘meaning’ and I consider that until this day, that can be said so about the bunch of stuff I have around me, so that is an interesting thing to consider as well.

How I got to ‘connect the dots’ to get to open up this topic on ‘meaning’ and wanting to create stuff that would ‘mean’ something or that would ‘express’ something closely related to something ‘transcendental’ or ‘beyond me’ or whatever else I defined as ‘larger than life’ was through having watched Jim Jarmusch’s latest movie Paterson and I must say that his previous movie Only Lovers Left Alive had left quite a ‘deep’ imprint on me at the time when I watched it and yes, was very emotional and dealt with a ‘touchy’ subject for me at the time, and when I watched this one, at first I was like ‘meh’ because! I didn’t get that ‘transcendental experience’ from it – read energetically charged and overwhelming experience – I didn’t get this ‘life changing’ insta-realization from it or didn’t get a floor-moving type of outcome from it –  or at least I thought so initially. But of course I didn’t accept that to be ‘my final verdict’ on it as it was more of an ‘out of the movie theatre’ experience, though I had been aware that I had been in fact ‘disturbed’ while watching it in a certain way by the whole thing unfolding and not only because of ‘the movie’ in itself, but due to observing my approach towards It and what it had brought up in me while watching it.

So I challenged myself to see further, to see how I had been in fact disturbed by it, because of the role that routine takes in the movie and how we are creatures of routine, everything that happens day to day is ‘the same routine’ – sun comes up, sun goes down and we have to do what we have to do to keep alive – and then there’s the rest of ‘in between’ moments where our lives happen, and that’s where I noticed myself being almost ‘yearning’ for something different to happen, where I saw myself in this ‘waiting-mode’ for this ‘grand thing’ to happen in the whole movie… and it doesn’t – or shall I say it just ‘didn’t happen’ the way I was kind of expecting. In the movie, life unfolds, things just ‘take place’ and within realizing my expectations, I saw how I was in fact challenged on that, I saw how this ‘looking forward’ impulse in me was there the whole time until something kind of ‘unexpected’ happens and it becomes like a ‘start over’ in the film, but there was a slight sense within me throughout the whole thing of ‘is this it?’ and so expecting some ‘major’ event happening, some major ‘plot twist’ that would suddenly take me to the edge of my seat, lol even though I am aware of how Jarmusch’s movies are, there was still that kind of expectation within me… well it never happened and I am glad it didn’t, or more like it didn’t happen ‘during the movie’ but more on how it assisted me to reflect things about myself, my own life and day to day approach.

What this movie showed me is how much of a ‘waiting mode’ I create within life, where I’ve been ‘waiting for my life to happen’ so many years, waiting to ‘get somewhere’ or ‘go and live somewhere else’ for years only to realize that’s not really where I actually wanted to go to, yet I kept my whole day to day in ‘waiting mode’ for that and sort of ‘doing my thing’ in between, not really fully ‘living’ but again quoting Radiohead, it felt like just ‘killing time’ until I would ‘get there’ and I just didn’t.

What this film made me appreciate again is the simplicity of life happening on a day to day basis, where we cannot ever ‘get rid of’ routine, in fact it was a great test to be OK  with witnessing this whole routine unfolding throughout a week and not getting ‘desperate’ in it or go into some sort of backchat around how ‘this was so predictable’ because in essence it could be defined as such – but I decided to choose to rather appreciate the ‘moment by moment’ situations in the film and let go of expecting these ‘grand situations’ coming up, and instead appreciate the normalcy of it for ‘what it is’ which of course it has a lot of charms in it that had been carefully built in throughout the whole film that I also in that moment got to enjoy.

It was also interesting because I had written out before about my relationship to routine itself, but something changes when you are witnessing someone else’s routine, specially within the context of a movie which opened up new points for me to explore, and that’s great, because it also made me realize how I cannot really ever say ‘I’m clear towards that word/concept’ it’s a constant opening, evolving, changing thing based on how we interact with everything and everyone else.

Once that the film was over, the fact that my ‘great expectations’ were sort of by default deflated, I was pushed to ‘rewind’ it in my head to then see what it was really all about for me and how there wasn’t this ‘great meaning’ to it, this ‘transcendental outcome’ that I was expecting, but how it all depends on ‘who I am’ within watching it and so rather seeing what I decide to appreciate or take from the movie as a sheer enjoyable experience of immersing myself in this guy’s life and his day to day living for a week and ‘all that happens in between.’

This led me to see how even if I ‘thought’ of myself as not being conditioned by the ‘great plots’ and ‘great twists’ in stories, I had become somewhat ‘hooked’ on that kind of narratives because they end up engaging more of an emotional experience than a simple witnessing of life happening – everyday living happening – which also reminds me of a similar Japanese movie I also watched not long ago called After the Storm in a similar vein where the character is already a mature man that seems to be waiting for some things yet to ‘happen’ in his life  and there’s no big ending on the story, but more like the resolution of how he had to simply ‘keep walking his life’ and letting go of these hopes he held about his career and personal life. I also got to enjoy the movie for the depiction that it is of ‘regular lives’ without any transcendental events, just  ‘normal day to day’ relationships unfolding and the ‘charms’ in life as it unfolds.

My redefined approach to these movies assisted me to see how there has been this ‘waiting for the great moment’ type of approach to my life,  just like that ‘climax’ that we many times believe will somehow end up happening in our ‘life story’ and will ‘forever change us’ and will ‘forever be this grand moment’ but, that’s more like how I realize I have been conditioned to THINK of life, instead of actually Living it, as is, in its day to day, without expectations, without ‘waiting modes,’ without ‘creating these perfect moments’ that I probably got to read a lot about in books and that I many times tried to recreate in my own life through relationships and through the kind of paintings I would make, where I wanted to evoke this ‘superb’ experience, this ‘epicness’ that could somehow scare you and frighten you and give you this sense of this ‘bigger than life’ meaning that …. Well, I have to now realize has been my own ‘mindjob’ to be honest and how I am rather being grateful to once again through art and in this case through films and documentaries be able to ‘get myself off of my high horse’ and appreciate what I had previously seen as the ‘insignificant things in life’, the day to day, the Living moment, rather than being in my head holding this ‘grand expectations’ for ‘greater meanings, greater purposes’ over my shoulders about this ‘epic event’ or ‘climatic moment’ in my life that is apparently ‘yet to come.’

I once made a lithograph that reads ‘never wait’ and the face has got this anguished experience because that’s for the most part how I spent many years in my life, waiting for ‘my life to happen’ in some sort of ‘waiting for someone to knock at your door, discover your real talents and make you have a great life’ type of thing… not really realizing that life is not about building these ‘great outcomes’ or ‘grand schemes’ or ‘big climatic epic moments’ but it IS all about everything in between from the moment we are aware of ourselves as individuals to our last breath, it is ALL of our life, from the ‘greater changes’ and decisions to the ‘smallest’ moments.

I decide to stop living as a walking-expectation in ‘waiting mode’ for this ‘something great’ to happen to me… if anything, I am living it as I speak, we are all kinds of ‘miracles’ of life considering how far we’ve pushed ourselves in this world to coexist and have relatively ‘normal lives’ with all the inner and outer chaos that we recreate within and without on a daily basis… It showed me how much I have taken ‘normalcy’ for granted as well when it comes to polarizing my experience to that of the most unfortunate majority in this world that surely cannot even afford to spend a couple of hours watching a movie about ‘life unfolding’ because their own is not even being ‘lived fully’ but only ‘survived through.’

All of these points make me place my life into perspective, not to make me feel ‘bad’ or ‘insignificant’ with my topics opened up here when polarized and compared to ‘those that are suffering in this world,’ because of course anything will seem petty and meaningless when going into comparison with anything that stands as manifested consequences that yes, we will have to sort out altogether; but I’ve also learned to not attempt and try to ‘save the world’ without first living one’s life in an actual self-aware manner, and so beginning within changing the way I approach ‘life itself’ for example, stepping down from this ‘grand idea’ of all of these ‘meaningful things’ that I wanted to create and say and express in my head and rather equalize the meaning to every moment that I am alive – no more, no less – it’s there for me to decide who I am in it.

I’ve been aware of how far out I’ve gone to when it comes to ‘judging things’ but this is part of how I’ve created my own limitations/ fears and ideals in relation to anything in life, any part of ‘what’s here’ and that’s all based on how I’ve judged things, people, places, situations, events, outcomes as either good, bad, exciting, dull, depressive, joyful, and creating preferences around ‘what I want to experience’ instead of embracing life as a whole, as the compendium of all of these things as ‘what life is about,’ which is not about seeking an ‘experience’ all the time or finding any grand meanings, not about making these ‘transcendental pictures’ or wanting to ‘save the world’ or ‘save others from themselves’, but about getting to live fully in my own life and with those around me and in the relationships that I create.

For now I do see that if we all did this, a lot of the existential anguish as I like to call it would fade away and we would start reconsidering what ‘living’ and ‘life is really about – maybe we would start embracing and appreciating our life in every moment, ‘as it happens,’ where in my particular case I choose to take it also as an opportunity to create myself in every moment as the person I am aware I can live with for the rest of my life, where I can enjoy those seemingly ‘repetitive moments’ by stopping judging ‘repetition’ as a ‘boring’ thing or ‘uneventful’ thing, and in that sense stopping looking for these ‘grand experiences in my life,’ but simply take life as is

Some events will surely ‘shake us’ more than others, but it’s all part of living, it cannot happen ‘every day’ nor would it even be sane to live that way in a ‘high rollercoaster of emotions’ because we of course take a toll on our bodies if that was even a possibility… it just can’t and I shouldn’t even expect that as ‘LIFE happening…’ that’s not living, that’s a constant yearning to be forever stimulated into a perception or energized experience of living, but it’s not living as such.

I’d like to rather consider the simplicity of things, which yes I have before in my photography practice tried to also ‘turn into something more’ than what it is when taking pictures of ‘garbage’ or what I would judge as ‘deprecating things or ‘meaningless stuff’ and give it a spot through my eyes in a desire to make it beautiful or ‘sublime’ or whatever else, but that’s still me wanting to make things ‘more’ than what they are… and that’s not the point either.

Here I can instead look back at my physical body as a reference of what ‘life is’ and extend the same approach that my body lives on a day to day basis to ‘how I live life.’ It goes through its ups and downs at times, there are entire seasons where everything is just ‘fine’ and working well, it just ‘is’, it moves, it digests, it grows, it decays, it goes through its processing and challenges due to whatever I do or not do with it on my day to day, but it doesn’t NEED any meaning to exist, my body doesn’t require these ‘transcendental experiences’ to keep itself alive, it just lives, it just exists, it just keeps breathing whether I am aware of it or not, and I am entirely grateful for it because, man, we all know that we would not be existing right here and right now if we had to entirely manage every single process that is consciously done by our physical body in itself and at the same time handle ourselves as our mind and being…  it’s a marvelous thing yet, I’ve already shared before as well how much I had taken it for granted.

This same approach is what I decide to integrate in my life from now on and even in this week after watching that movie on Sunday, it has assisted me to ‘slow’ down’ in that sense in my ‘waiting-modes’ and ‘building expectations’ towards something eventually ‘happening’ in my life which are still there as potential outcomes, yet I have been deliberately focusing more on this ‘moment by moment’ approach, and more so, to not judge ‘the moment’ as ‘more or less’ than anything, to not seek to make every moment ‘larger than life’ lol, because that would be me in my mind wanting to still exist as some form of stimulation, an ‘experience’, a ‘meaning separate from myself’ in my head rather than taking life as it happens and living it to the best of my ability in that moment, pushing myself to in my case and current point of focus, stop looking ‘forward’ to anything, but be fully present and in that creating an awareness more towards my physical body, my own experience, how I ‘see things’, how I relate to people, how I perceive my environment, etc.

All of this is also a result of a great series of interviews related to many of these points I’ve opened up and that I am quite grateful for because it has assisted me to identify where I am still very much in my mind looking at life, instead of actually Living it, so I suggest checking them out to genuinely ‘enlighten’ ourselves for once and for all about what’s really REAL in this world and that I had definitely taken for granted.

Redefining Physical – The Crucifixion of Jesus – Part 109

Redefining Physical (Part 2) – The Crucifixion of Jesus – Part 110

Redefining Physical (Part 3) – The Crucifixion of Jesus – Part 111

 

I’ll continue with more on the ‘meaning’ and paintings in another blog…

 

Thanks for reading

 

 

Join us in our process of Self-Expression as LIFE


590. From Defensiveness to Openness

Or deciding to challenge my own past decisions to ‘get away from’ certain relationships and instead decide to develop a common ground with them this time around.

In looking back at this month that ends today, there’s been a lot of ‘movements’ going on which I’ve decided to do and ‘take on’ in terms of self-investigation and so also creating openings with people that I had not talked to in a long time and in a way ‘opening the door’ that I had comfortably shut in my past for reactive reasons of course, which I’ve now come to reassess because a lot has been changing or ‘opening up’ within and there’s like this expansion going on that I’ve taken on as well as a drive to re-connect with people, meet new people, etc.

Through doing the self-preparation to get this done, I noticed this ‘defensive’ stance within me which belongs to the ‘religion of self’ where I was the one creating this armor or invisible fortress around me that would contain ‘me’ inside of it with all of these reasons, excuses, justifications of why I would not ‘get along with’ certain people anymore, or why I just didn’t have to talk to them again. In a way I was quite blinded by my own ego and ideas of ‘who I am’ which prevented me from precisely even thinking of challenging such perceptions and re-approaching people that were once quite close to me in my life.

I’ve also realized that yes, at the time it is what I decided to do and it was part of my own self-rediscovery process, finding ‘who I am’ beyond all the relationships I had formed and this ‘who I am’ to those people as well. But it’s also very normal to say that once that ‘self-processing’ phase is over, what opens up next – at least for me and how I’m deciding to live it – is to reconnect, to re-establish communication and that’s something I’ve been doing here and there throughout this whole month, not only with people that I stopped talking to before or with family members, but also in terms of opening more of myself to myself and so being able to comfortably share it with others, and also with new people that I’ve come to develop a cool communication with.

Though I had this particular experience where I did notice I had to physically ‘walk through’ this fortress that I created around me as my ‘righteous ego’ as I was meeting with an ‘old friend’ the other day and as he was explaining how he views himself, the world, his role in it and going into expressing himself the way I used to in terms of ‘giving up on any change in the world’ and being generally ‘pessimistic’ in his own view about things, I noticed there was this emergence of a stiffness within my body, and I became aware of it ‘building up’ as this tension which would many other times lead me to speak faster, louder and in essence end up in conflicts with people.

In that moment I realized this was my ‘fortressed ego’ emerging, rising, believing that he was speaking in those terms because of ‘wanting to show me he doesn’t agree with my current stance about the world’ or where I instantly went into ‘defiance’ mode of ‘what I stand for’ but that’s the point, I realized how in wanting to create a ‘battle’ against anyone that doesn’t ‘agree with me’ I am – of course – becoming part of the problem and recreating the same mechanisms that have led us to be ‘divided and conquered’ as human beings.

So what I did in that moment is keep quiet while being aware of what was ‘building up within me’ and decided to keep listening, understanding where ‘he’s currently at’ in his life and ‘views’ on things, until I decided to intervene to explain how one of the reasons why I stopped hanging out with him before is because I would perceive us to be in ‘very different stances’ in ‘how we view things,’ instead of rather being able to focus on finding a common ground. Here, as I spoke those words to him, I could still notice that there was this ‘stiffness’ which is the ego-fortress of defensiveness coming through and I was able to move through that ‘stiffened stance’ to the solution which I mentioned in that moment: let’s focus on creating a common ground.

I kept then listening to what he had to say not so much about the ways he defines himself at a ‘theoretical level’ but more so in ‘who he is’ on his day to day living in the job he has, and it turns out that he’s definitely not at all what he has defined himself to be. Who he is in his day to day living is in fact commitment to do his work the best way he can, to support himself to get out of certain harmful habits, destructive relationships, becoming a responsible person that is living for the purpose of bettering his work environment with the people in it and in the business itself, using all of the expertise, skills and studies he has to precisely do just that, which has led him to a leadership position at his job and in practical ways living principles of ‘do onto others as you’d like to be done onto yourself’ and stopping the chains of spite, doing the least effort, lack of commitment or discipline to do things.

To me this was very refreshing to see within him, to see how throughout these past years he’s gotten himself to a stable position after having walked through,  yes, quite a bit of consequence of precisely not doing and not being ‘all of the above’ towards himself and his relationship to the many jobs he’s had. So, that’s when I told him how he is not who he says he is in fact when it comes to ‘being pessimist’ or ‘seeing no way out in the world,’ otherwise he would not be living what he is living in his day to day, which is actually enjoying life, enjoying his role at work and being a very humorous person that yes can be ‘cynical’ and ‘satirical’ about reality and having all of this baggage of information/theories about reality, yet still remain very practical and supportive in his approach to his life as it is.

I reflected upon all of this to see how my ‘reunion’ with him went from me initially recreating this ‘fortress’ around me that had led me to want to ‘not talk to him again’ years ago, to walking through that ‘mirage’ and keeping myself open to create a common ground, to learn from the person, to understand them and how that left us realizing that yep, we do in fact have that similar approach to life even if we cannot agree in ‘concepts’ or ‘theories’ or whatever else that stands in the way of human beings as knowledge and information, as self-definitions or ‘creeds’.

I let him know that I am definitely glad about the changes and ‘upgrades’ in his life and how I appreciate the process he’s gone through to ‘get to where he’s at’ right now, and how even though he denies himself as being a ‘practivist’ to make things better and so ‘change the world,’ he’s in fact doing just that with his everyday doings at work and in the relationships he’s deciding to have now.

Here then I look at what would have happened if I had simply ‘reacted’ to ‘knowledge and information’ and decided to repeat myself in my ‘defensive stance’ towards him? We would not have gotten to realize that we are in fact able to talk, get along, enjoy our communication and have things in common if we both leave our ‘self-definitions’/personality cages behind and instead focus on the very practical, simplistic ways in which we share our doings, what we’ve learned about ourselves, what we’ve gone through and what we are currently doing in our lives, which is what we plan on doing from now on.

This also led me to realize – and I also shared this with him – how we get entirely ‘lost in translation’ when it comes to how each person approaches one word, where some people react to words like ‘equality’ or ‘forgiveness’ or ‘community’ or ‘oneness’ or ‘potential’ or ‘self support’ or ‘entrepreneurial’ and judging it as ‘positive hogwash’ which I sure did at some point in my past as well, only to get to a point of understanding what these words mean in reality.  I actually shared with him how I see that he is in fact living those principles even if he is not aware of it, or if he is defining them ‘differently’ in his own mind – but how in the end what matters is ‘who we are’ in our day to day and the actions that we do which speak louder than words as ‘definitions’ or ‘ideas of self’ which yep, we definitely have to either equalize to our doings, to ‘who we really are’ instead of keeping ourselves caged in these limitations that usually become labels that more often than not lead us to have conflicts and disagreements with others, just because of how we define ourselves as information, instead of focusing on the actuality of what we do, the nature of what we in fact ARE and DO, which is what matters in reality.

I’ll definitely continue nurturing this point of communication with different people because I thoroughly enjoy getting to know, understand another and even more so when I have a certain ‘history’ with them and so challenging myself in being able to ‘reconnect’ with others beyond this personality they knew of me – and at the same time for sure get to learn from them and what they’ve gone through throughout all of these years as well. I definitely enjoy those moments when I get to have something be ‘triggered’ within me and decide to ‘disarm’ myself within it all, it’s like being able to burst my bubbles in a moment and move into a decision to be open, to embrace, to be vulnerable, to be understanding – and that’s a very refreshing and liberating thing to do.

Thanks for reading.

 

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Join us in our process of Self-Expression as LIFE


589. Exigency towards my body

Or changing the relationship of despotism towards my physical body   to one of humbleness and consideration

I’ve found the latest recordings Redefining Physical – The Crucifixion of Jesus – Part 109 and Redefining Physical (Part 2) – The Crucifixion of Jesus – Part 110 from Eqafe.com very supportive to open up aspects that I had not questioned before in relation to judgments towards my physical body beyond appearance. I’d say that one of the most common ways to judge ourselves is definitely related to how our body looks, but there are many other aspects that I had not particularly questioned or looked at as such which I’ll write about here.  

I’ve noticed a form of exigency that I’ve imposed onto my physical body when it comes to the times when I’ve gotten sick or when my body is simply not at what I’ve come to define ‘being at my 100%’ and I am feeling weak, having certain unstable experience in my body that emerges ‘out of nowhere’ wherein I then go into a ‘low’ experience within me, desiring to be alright, wanting to be ‘done with’ whatever disturbance is going on in my body and in a way victimizing myself within a desire to be fully fine and ‘back to normal’ without really questioning or seeing how whatever my body is going through is in fact an outflow of whatever I’ve caused onto it, whether it is a sickness, discomfort, pain = it’s been all self-created, which doesn’t also mean it’s all ‘bad’ either, it’s definitely beyond morality.

I can identify this experience as a form of exigency because who I am in that relationship is one of ‘demanding’ my body to be alright, as if it was doing ‘its thing’ out of nowhere when in fact, every single time I have any form of sickness or physical adjustments it is a result of processes, sicknesses or things that I have most likely not been aware of that I’ve caused onto my body.

In this I have also reflected how much I take my health for granted and what I’ve now come to define as ‘being at my 100%’ experience where there are no pains, I feel stable and with sufficient energy to do more physically engaging activities.

During the past weeks I definitely wasn’t at my 100% and it became a very unpredictable situation where I did notice that I was kind of going into worry about my physical body, where I also wanted to just ‘be back to normal’ the next day and waking up every day just wanting to feel fine again, strong, stable, without any wobbliness or dizziness and whatnot. Well, that took some time to completely go away and I then had to understand that whatever my body was going through it was part of what I’ve caused onto it, therefore nothing just ‘happens’ out of nowhere, but I’m always the cause of it.

Here then there’s a layer of victimization and so blame towards the body as if my body was ‘causing me’ to not be at that 100% of stability and so becoming an ‘obstacle’ to my usual routine and activities, instead of rather changing that relationship to acknowledging how I am the cause and origin of such physical experiences and realizing that the first thing I can do is focus on remaining stable within me and rather embracing the processes that my body is going through, otherwise within going into an emotional experience of disempowerment, I’d be adding even more strain to the ongoing processes that my body is going through to stabilize itself, which is what it naturally always does by itself.

It also says a lot about my level of self-awareness that I cannot be fully aware of what processes my physical body is going through; meaning we have been so disconnected from ours body/our physicality that we only exist at a very superficial level of our mind, being and body relationship, while the body is in fact the wise one part of ourselves that regulates itself and is automatically living and breathing for us, because just like it was said in that one recording: “If we were transformed into this physical existence, would we have lasted as long?” which is a great quote to understand how the physical itself has been able to survive, adapt, change, evolve in every way possible in spite of what we’ve imposed onto the physical as our bodies, the world, existence… every single particle that we are made of.

So listening to these recordings was very supportive to become more aware of this kind of relationship I’ve built with my body. It also prompted me to acknowledge how I have not yet forgiven myself for all the damage, disruption, attacks and constant ‘cannibalism’ that I’ve imposed onto my physical body in the name of surviving as a demanding and exigent ego that in essence has taken my life and physical body for granted.

I only get to become aware of taking my body for granted whenever I’m sick, where I then compare my sick-state to that of ‘being healthy’ and go into a wallowing in sickness, feeling disempowered, getting irritated, frustrated at ‘the sickness’ feeling like ‘the body is failing at me’ instead of acknowledging how the body is doing its thing in order to get back to stability and how such disease, sickness, discomfort, ailment, problem at a physical body is always accepted and allowed and self-created: there’s truly nothing or no one to blame or victimize myself to.

That’s an empowering and sobering realization considering how ever since I was a little child, I’ve always seen or associated sickness to a weakness, something that prevented me from ‘going to school and missing out one day of activities!’ lol- or currently how it ‘stops me from being productive,’ from ‘following my usual routine’ which indicates also the many times that I would also disregard the physical signs of ‘having to slow down’ because of moving myself/driving myself through the need to ‘be productive all the time’ and ‘push boundaries’ without considering my physical body.

In these past weeks, my physical experience showed me that even if I would have ‘wanted to’ be doing my things at the ‘usual pace’ that I do them, I would not have been able to, I simply couldn’t, which was an interesting experience as well, like a physical ‘slowing down’ which I described in the previous blog.

Currently I see that as a momentary experience that is no longer a constant but more like a state of being I am now aware I can ‘slow myself down to’ in my mind and realize how it’s not that it ‘goes away’ ever, because that’s a physical state of being. It’s more like I have to slow down and step out of my ‘mind-drive’ in order to exist at that ‘slowing down’ mode, which I am now practicing also even while ‘moving fast’ which I was able to try out today after some two weeks of not being able to do so.

This period of time has also assisted me to understand what it means to ‘be with my body, assist my body’ which I had also associated with taking ‘extra’ stuff to assist healing it, but the reality is that I maybe didn’t even need that, I just needed to embrace the physical process it was going through and not become emotional as in being ‘waiting for it to get back to normal’ and getting desperate for that in the meantime… best way I can help is by being stable and let go of my mental exigency over my body.

I’ve had this kind of experiences every now and then where I’ve learned to consider my body and not putting it through a form of strain through wanting to fulfill a routine for example, or over-exerting myself within an idea of ‘needing to exercise’ but, there are times where I’m now seeing how my body indicates ‘hey take it easy’ and I’ve been learning to do so, but I also now have to be ok with the process, with the time it takes to recover, heal, readjust or whatever else it is going through.

Throughout this process of developing self-awareness as the life that I am I’ve realized how much I had a relationship of despotism towards my body, using it more as ‘the vehicle’ to satisfy my mind’s needs and not really fully being ‘with it/as it’ in every step of the way, which yes, is disrespectful and hasn’t been an honorable relationship at all. But, it is not like ‘it’s too late’ to do it either, I’ve got to be gentle with realizing that I am probably for the first time at a conscious level realizing all of these things that I had noticed through walking a physical consequence, but hadn’t yet made such an aware decision to equalize myself to my physical, not only through ‘stopping judgments’ towards it, but more so in understanding its processes, to not judge its ways to ‘figure things out,’ the ways it ‘processes things’ and the way it adjusts after all that I put it through to get back to a relative homeostasis.

This also requires me to be humble in acknowledging that unless I am perfectly aware of how I am producing all of these weaknesses, deficiencies, ‘low phases’ at a physical body level, I can only assist myself by breathing and ‘slowing down’ within me and without, not going into disempowerment, being considerate and genuinely taking things easy, because there’s definitely that ‘itch’ to want to ‘get back to normal’ and it feels like forcing cold muscles to run from the get go, it just doesn’t feel right or the adequate thing to do.

Another point is how I’ve been the kind of person that would be astounded at how other people would speak of being aware of very specific details of what ‘their body likes’ and what ‘sits well with the body’ and I haven’t had such kind of awareness developed or relationship with my body to know exactly what ‘it likes or dislikes,’ to me I believed I required some kind of ‘extra sensibility’ that I seem to not possess, therefore perceiving that there was something that I was ‘missing out’ in that or that there was something ‘flawed’ within my relationship to my body for not being aware of such things.

The reality is that I cannot crave or desire to have the same physical body awareness that other people have developed within their body and lives, we cannot compare that at all and each body/being/mind relationship is unique in itself. So this is another point that I have to let go of, a comparison point in relation to wondering ‘hmm why is my body not letting me know what it likes, or how come ‘they’ are aware of such things in their body and I am not?’ type of comparison, which makes no sense because over time it builds this relationship of further separation towards ‘the body’ instead of realizing that I am already my physical body, it is a part of me that I have to in fact embrace, stop judging as ‘weird’ in its functioning, stop seeing it as ‘weak’ whenever it is going through processes to strengthen itself, to readjust to the changes I am walking through at times at a mind/being level and so be able to pay attention to how I am doing.

An example is not eating complex foods when being in such physical ‘wobbliness’ as I call it, where there are these ups and downs with many symptoms, and also to not become emotional about it, but instead use those moments to be quiet, stable within me, while knowing my body is doing its thing, which requires me to live patience and consideration. It also becomes a humbleness point to see how I cannot take my life for granted, I cannot take my health for granted, I cannot take the next breath for granted.

If there’s something I constantly look at is the fragility of life which at times I deal with in the form of instant imaginations that create some fatal outcome that would end up my life in various situations. I’ve learned to breathe through that and not entertain them, not be ‘impressed’ by it within fear, but simply acknowledging how ‘fragile’ our lives can be and how we cannot have control over everything about ‘our lives,’ which is also humbling.

All in all I’ve been working on learning how to live or stand equal to my body, understanding what that means and for the first time bring ‘my body’ to the forefront and seeing ‘who I am’ towards it, rather than always seeing it as this ‘background thing’ that I’ve used to satisfy whatever I’ve set myself to do/create within the starting point of my mind only. To sum up, it’s about time I create a relationship of honor, regard, respect, appreciation to the organism it is, beyond what I superficially see with my eyes, and until I am able to fully stand one and equal with it in all ways, I walk in humbleness within it/as it. J

 

Thanks for reading

 

Live Drawing 2007

 

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