Category Archives: artists

639. Reconciling with the Artistic Expression In Me

 

It’s been a while since I shared a blog. I’ve been on a ‘writing diet’ where I write at least 3 pages on a daily basis in my personal diary or notebook which is something I begun as part of a process I’m embarking myself on to reconcile myself – yes, once again and yes embracing the process – with my artistic side or artistic interests which I’ve been basically focusing on investigating and aligning throughout these past months. I’ve been realizing some of the most ‘shady’ aspects that I’ve allowed to get in the way of me continuing to express myself and I decided to write self forgiveness on these points along with some realizations and share them, since I’m aware many can be at a similar situation with any given aspect in their lives too.  

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize I created a sense of being unworthy when it comes to expressing myself through creative means simply because of being told that no one would buy that, no one would like that and that I had to do stuff that most people liked in order to be paid for it, which then became a way to constantly create a hellish experience within me while creating, having to satisfy these invisible people that I believed I had to please and within that, causing that split within me where expressing myself in a more intimate and unconditional way – as it was in the beginning when I started – became a thing of the past and I then had to ‘use my skills’ to ‘be bought’ by others, and in doing so eventually wanting to once again distance myself from doing anything creatively.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to hold a negative experience to the idea of my work being valued in a certain amount of money where I’ve judged such amount of money as ridiculous and just not worth the ‘thing’ that I created, which I then believed was something good or positive but slowly with time I allowed that notion to sabotage me from continuing to create because I then would be having to ‘think in money terms’ when creating, which became a departure from myself – because art for me was not intended to be a ‘product’ but it was a very personal, unconditional and dare I say innocent form of expression with and for myself that I then allowed to be influenced on ‘why I do it’ and ‘what kind of stuff’ I should do, missing out the point of it which has always and should always be Me and the process I’ve been walking, which is what any form of expression for me is really about.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a silent inner war in relation to art and monetary value where I slowly but surely sabotaged myself from creating anything as a way to not have to see it as a product – instead of seeing that I could have simply realized that I was  attaching some monetary values to something that should be first of all a point of self-expression and communication, where an economic value would come only if and when I would decide to offer it for selling it and only when and if there could be any potential person interested in buying it, therefore leaving all of that as a secondary purpose to it, not ever forgetting that my main purpose and value is for myself, for my own satisfaction, expression and enjoyment – otherwise I now see I corrupt myself by thinking in ‘money terms’ other than me expressing me and sharing unconditionally.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that the moment that there was a struggle in my head because of having others’ opinions, views or expectations of ‘what I need to create’ I should have stopped and not allow myself to go there, since that is not the reason why I signed up to do anything creative in the first place, I did it as a point of curiosity and exploration for myself, to communicate myself with myself and then it became something I would have to do as a profession to be paid for and satisfy others with it, which is not a ‘wrong’ thing to do either, but that’s not where my true passion is for in it.  I totally buried myself under those ‘expectations’ I projected upon myself even when I believed I was doing something ‘for me,’ I would still be having ideas of ‘having others liking it’ in the background and in that, I corrupted my own expression which I see has of course nothing to do with the ghostly voices in my head of ‘others eyes’ on it,  because they were entirely brought up by myself and it then became in a bundle of  fears around it that I now see I used as a justification to not continue doing anything creative for a while.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to many times create a dissonance, a split between ‘what’ I had to do instead of asking myself who do I decide to be and according to that direct myself, because of having fallen on the usual ideas where I would have to choose one thing to become ‘something’ in life– like having a certain title, career or diploma – in order to perform certain tasks which show me the extent to which I have been mostly perpetuating the same kind of labels and boxes wherein we have defined ourselves to be just ‘one thing’ and only be that ‘one thing’ throughout a lifetime, instead of opening up the endless possibilities that are in fact possible if we tap into that source of what and who we really are and so expressing that into any aspect of our lives, regardless of ‘what we do.’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to split myself between the idea of supporting others and making that my living purpose and my own natural tendency an d interest on artists and artistic creations as a source of both enjoyment and understanding to me, and in doing so, I ended up creating a division from this natural expression and judging it as selfish, as a waste of time, as shallow or without any consequence in others’ lives, without realizing  that in doing so, I was cutting up, chopping off a part of myself in such judgment process wherein I then created a constant push and pull friction game towards that inclination that emerged from a very young age in me and that I judged later on as frivolous and part of my ego-creation.

I realize currently how yes from a very innocent and instinctive move to paint and draw, I then turned it into a an expectation of making it my profession and then buying into the idea of that having to be my way to ‘climb up the ladder of success’ and feed my ego with dreams and ideals of fame and recognition, where – even though I had the idea of ‘doing so to help to save the world’ – the motivation was still the aggrandizement of my own persona, which is why I then took myself to the opposite side of not wanting to show what I do, not wanting to share it around and judging others that would dare to do so as egotistical or seeking others’ approval, which only stands as my own projection of my own judgments and what I’ve done towards myself, which I realize is a product of tainting my expression with the norms and ways we have created the current system wherein art has also become an industry which is not wrong in itself since it can be considered work itself, but to me art does go beyond the ‘final product’ but I’m definitely more interested in the person that is behind the work of art which is where I see that lies my interest on the artistic field.

I forgive myself  that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to taint my expression with the ideas of ‘what I would have to do’ in order to sell or in order to have other people like what I do, which I realized has been a rather painful process considering that it doesn’t mean I have to make money out of what I decide to express in a very personal way of communicating with myself, which I can share unconditionally without having to make it ‘fit’ certain market standards or having certain ‘qualities’ which is what I’ve then come to experience an inner conflict with, because my aim is to use art as a way to communicate and to see myself, to understand and learn from myself and enjoy while making it and making that very personal and sacred moment where it’s just me expressing and communicating with myself.

I realize that the moment that I place ‘others’ or ‘the public’ as the ultimate outcome, I distance myself from myself, I move away from that very core point that got me into wanting to create art in the first place and it becomes a job, something I have ‘to do’ for money or to be able to be ‘sellable’ and in that, losing my own essence and shaping myself into whatever I am believing ‘others’ want to see and get from me, which is entirely created in my own mind and as such, there has never been ‘others’ or any form of exigencies, it’s all been me allowing my own judgments and ideas to influence and maim my own creativity over the years .

I realize that the various comments and opinions I got over the years were all standing as expressions of their own views and standards, and to me they represented moments where I would have had to fully stand as my expression – but I didn’t. And that’s why every time I would succumb to certain demands, I would feel a little more lost in it all and ended up feeling meaningless and purposeless – shallow – in the whole process of making anything related to art, even doing any form of indoor decoration because of then tainting it as shallow, superficial or non-substantial or supportive to life itself – defining ‘life’ outside of myself as ‘others’– instead of seeing that I am the source of it and the ultimate end point of it, if it exists in me – and me being part of the whole – there should not exist any limitation to this point of expression that is intended to see ‘what comes out of me’ as an individual, simply to see ‘how I am doing’ and express it in ways that I may not be able to do so through words at times, and so seeing that it has been essential for me to draw and paint things that are just inside of me and come out as an extension of myself, that are devoid of a certain ‘receptor’, which I consider is the actual essence of what any form of art is, an externalization of the creator because of the sheer will of the creator itself to have it happen or just ‘be’ for its own sake.

In my case I have decided to make of that art not something that I ‘have to do’ but something that I can decide to express as part of my self-communication, self-enjoyment, the creation of that me-time that I now know I have to give myself and create for myself since I have shaped my life and time around all of the other doings that I require to do as a way to survive and as a way to relate to others, which simply require a balancing point so that I can in fact give me and create more time to do it and stick to it the same way that I stand in a disciplined and responsible manner to any other responsibility and duty I have.

I realize that If I cut out this limb of mine, this part of me that has continued to be a relevant aspect of my life, I’ll end up feeling forever frustrated for not having had the guts to give myself the time and courage to do it, to make it actually OK and acceptable that I create time for me to continue developing any form of creative expression that satisfies that self-communication and self-understanding beyond the usual self-writings, because that stands as something that can break the mold of what I regularly do on a daily basis and what I dare to say to myself through words only.

I also understand the importance of creativity, it is that ‘creative germ’ that is needed in all of us if we truly want to ‘break the mold’ and create a better world because otherwise, as I’ve seen for myself, we can just fall into the comfort of how things usually are and have been and not having any new things or challenges coming our way and getting too complacent and obedient to whatever we have all collectively come to believe is how ‘we should live our lives.’ And I know that it takes courage and a real sense of authority and will to decide to not fall into such expectations and categories and live differently, which then doesn’t become a constant ‘against the flow’ rebellious type of process as I used to do it before, but it becomes simply living the realization that this is the actuality of myself that is no longer seeking to be liked, appreciated or conform or fit in, but embraces that individuality devoid of judgment and expectations, and simply decides to get back in tune with myself, to be ‘here’ rather than seeking to be somewhere else or be accepted by others here or there.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to maim my own authenticity whenever I allowed others’ comments, opinions – or the lack thereof – about what I do creatively to affect and define the way that I relate to my works of art, where I then stepped into the realm of valuing opinions and judgments and forgot to look at myself, asking myself why is this important or relevant for me to do, what it means to me and why it satisfies me or not to do it.  

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to become too concerned with monetary values and I realize that it is not about saying that selling my art is wrong or an act of self-interest, but that should come as a byproduct of me first standing fully in absolute congruence with my creation, where I can be sure there isn’t any noise implied in its creation while having thoughts about possibly selling it or thinking what colors would be liked more by ‘the majority’ of people, or what kind of stuff would be ‘easy to appreciate and like’ and hang on a wall or have around – and instead focus on simply being me, expressing me because I can see how I have been living that within myself and I have stood up when realizing I’m about to enter into a ‘shaping’ process that doesn’t respect me – but I haven’t done that with my own artistic expression.

I realize how easy it is for me to get into that shady space of not sharing or showing myself, all having to do with holding ideas about ‘who I am and have been’ in relation to a particular ‘personality system’ of having been placed in the spotlight at a certain time in my life, creating and building expectations upon myself that I then couldn’t fulfill because they, of course, came from a place of separation, of arrogance, of superiority and idealism that can’t be in fact satisfied because it’s not coming from the truth of who I am and who I want to be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define me according to people’s opinions and values given towards me, where they all in fact felt phony to me ever since being a child and receiving accolades, it became a great nuisance to be told all of these good things and being praised where I eventually wanted to ‘not be singled out’ and hide in the background, to not stand out and in doing so,  I ended up diminishing myself because of having created a negative experience to being the source of opinions and critics, even if they were favorable, it seemed unfair and unreal for me to be able to define someone based on numeric characters or only a few characteristics that were ‘worthy’ within a particular system, like in schools.

That’s also why I wanted to do something that could enable me to see myself outside of values and titles that we are supposed to get in society, that define ‘who we are’ and that’s why I started doing what I did within an artistic expression – that I later on ‘vandalized’ with adding all kinds of judgments, opinions  and expectations to it and I perverted it and turned it into just another ‘thing’ that one ‘does’ in the ‘system’ and that’s it, it’s like taking the life out of myself by turning that which was once very personal and unconditional and a point of enjoyment to me and turning it into a show ‘for others’ and to find ‘my value and worth’ in society, which I then failed to do as I should, because it would have led me down to another rabbit hole if I had been successful at that.

I also realize that it’s not that ‘others’ are the problem in fact, since they are me. In any case each person stands as a good mirror where I can look back at myself and see what I can learn from it to either expand  myself or try out new things, without any longer seeking to be liked, accepted, valued or appreciated that way, because I realize that such values are in fact standing only in the eye of the mind and can only serve a way to ‘see’ things, but it’s only me that will ultimately know WHO I am behind WHAT I decide to do, whatever it is.

I realize that we lose ourselves many times in the eyes of others and allow ourselves to get quietly and deeply hurt and don’t dare to speak it out in the moment, because of fearing to come through as sensitive or immature – but opening up about those aspects that were impactful for us is the first point, to realize that many times there have been assumptions, misunderstandings and a general projection of who each person is in relation to their opinions and comments. I realize that I also have been able to consider certain constructive aspects from what others say about my work, but even with that, I realize I have to define what I will accept and allow as feedback and what I won’t because to me, artistic expression is that one sacred place where no others’ ‘laws’ or ‘ways’ apply and where I can in fact transcend myself and my limited views, beliefs and morals. I desecrate that space, that part of myself every time that I use someone else’s words as a reason or justification of why I should do something a certain way or why I should just give up trying to do anything creative.

I also realize that in my mind I have been the only one that has decided to give such amount of focus and attention to what others may or may not say – critically and constructively – and that I am the only one that can allow that to affect me in a negative or emotional way.  I realize that as one goes strengthening that sense of self-worth, self appreciation and being congruent with the expression of ‘who I am’ and ‘who I decide to be’ and what I focus on continuing to create and express no matter what may come my way, it should not change who I decide to be in that expression.

I can use the feedback  to make myself grow and expand and consider other perspectives, but reacting negatively towards it is entirely a self-created decision that I now realize I have the total capacity to work through and release myself from, which can leave me with a better understanding of who the other person is in their words and their way of seeing things and their relationship to what I do, but ultimately to not take it personally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare my own expression, the unique actions and movements and expressions that I have to any other human beings’, which has led me within a never ending unfulfilled experience where I became the outflow of my own judgments and allowing that to maim my creative expression by giving up on it.

I realize we all – each one of us – is part of the whole that expresses in a unique way, which doesn’t make it more or less than or ‘better’ or ‘worse’ than – it is about embracing the multiplicity and learning to see it as that unique expression that it is, where I realize that I have made and turned myself into my own worst enemy when constantly deciding what is ‘good’ or not in my own eyes and then ending up projecting those judgments towards my own creations, which results in self-sabotage.

Currently I realize looking back how what I’ve done just IS and they are all testimonies and registry of the various phases in my life that I don’t have to feel ashamed of, since they were a relevant and important aspect of who I was at the time, a part of me, a reflection of me in that space and time and if I don’t embrace and accept myself and decide that such expression had its right to be at the time and represent me, who else will? No one.

I realize that my curiosity and general inclination towards some artistic expressions like music and visual arts have been a form of food for my beingness, which at some point I tried to simply distance myself from within the belief that they were just distractions or my own way to ‘escape’ from my reality. And I realize that at times, it might have been so in the past, but I surely realize that is not my starting point at the moment but the other way around.

I now see the potential in art and artists as part of what’s worth living for in this world, because I’ve gone from loathing humanity to appreciating every person that I get to know more about and seeing a lot of valuable things that I can learn from which I’ve come to do through watching documentaries, reading about artists lives and any creative genius, which I ultimately see as one of the reasons why I want to continue being me and developing my expression,  not only to support others but to get to contribute back in the ‘creative pool’ from where I’ve been nurturing myself from as well, because that’s how I’ve gotten to appreciate the life that is in each one of us and that manifests in all of these multiple ways that are worth getting to see and appreciate for who and what they are.

My starting point is not to feel ‘original’ since we are ALL original since we all come from the same and one origin point that we all express in a variety of ways that actually makes this life worth living and so, it’s absolutely worth getting to know one another and getting to connect with those that may be walking a similar path and living purpose to the one I have, which I’ve seen is quite feasible as well.

My current starting point to develop myself in relation to any form of artistic creation and developing communication and comradeship with fellow artists is because it’s proven to me how this particular sector of people in the world that, according to how I see it, dares to live ‘outside of the norm’ within their minds and so in their lives and dare to share that in any way that reflects their inside world, that reflects their particular inner experience are the front runners of changing the way life is lived and how new structures and ways can be created that benefit more of humanity and life in general.

 I’ve seen how easy it is to connect to that same common sensical level with people that are working or have experience in any cultural or artistic field, we just can click in one moment because there’s that same or similar understanding of who we really are and what’s worth working and living for in this life.

I was discussing with my friend about art in itself and it got me to think how I don’t have a particular fondness for certain works of art based on taste, but I surely get to appreciate the ‘who’ is behind that work that got to master themselves to put in the practice, effort, dedication and willingness to do something that perhaps was completely ‘out of their norm’ and did what they had to do in order to get it out of themselves and manifest it as a creation in reality; some others might have done it from a more natural talent that they just could effortlessly express, but in either case, there is a willingness to express and to me that is implying that there is an awareness of the creative potential we all have and can use to benefit our lives. How?

To me it is a primordial and basic point of nurturing your being, of expressing and so sharing it if one’s up for it. They are all bits and ways in which we go stepping out of the ‘usual patterns’ and dare to cross our own limitations and in sharing them, we assist others to do so as well. I also had to let go of the ideas of wanting to share or inspire others or wanting it to be ‘seen’ or ‘liked’ by others. It’s very similar to this process and writing where, whenever I place myself in a position of wanting to ‘share with others’ I miss out myself as being my own point, my own source, my own end of such creation. So now, If I find it supportive, then sharing becomes simply an extension of that self-support being in fact something that I see could benefit others because it is benefitting me.

This is where I can decide to own me and my every step of the way in my own creation, which I also relate to the way I’ve been able to own my decisions and choices in life and all the mistakes I’ve made, because they now make me who I am and I can look back and see that they are all part of the building blocks that I can now constructively use as part of the experience that makes me who I am today that may become stories of support to share to others as a way to learn from my own doings and wrongdoings and get to express the better version of ourselves.

 

Thanks for reading

I absolutely recommend listening to this series to anyone that’s interested in this kind of topics and specifically feeling meaningless, purposeless or feeling like there’s something yet to satisfy within oneself as a living purpose


  1. Meaningless: The Undefined Self – Atlanteans – Part 346

  2. Meaningless: Searching for Meaning – Atlanteans – Part 347
  3. Meaningless: Redefinition – Atlanteans – Part 348
  4. Meaningless: Self Forgiveness Challenge – Atlanteans – Part 349
  5. Meaningless: Standing as a Self Directive Principle – Atlanteans – Part 350
  6. Meaningless: Giving Yourself Meaning – Atlanteans – Part 351
  7. Meaningless: Fulfillment – Atlanteans – Part 352

  8. Meaning: Finding Meaning in a Cruel World – Atlanteans – Part 353

 

Losing My Limb

 

Join in if you want to start walking your own process of defining your Self-Honesty

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612. Self Appreciation and Self Acceptance

 

One of the gifts from walking through the specifics to see what is behind the pattern of assuming and projecting what I am thinking and experiencing onto others is being able to see what I am still thinking, perceiving or believing about myself. The overall character within these assumptions has to do with ideas of me not being good enough for certain standards that I believe others have upon me, not being able to fully embrace me and particularly my creations and instead cowering up and preferring to not show anything because of still giving into all of these ideas of others being able to determine how good or bad something that I do is.

This is so particularly in the realm of showing artworks, and it’s similar to what other people that perform would experience as stage fright, that moment where one fears what others will say, how it will be criticized, judged, but never realizing all of that is self-created, it exists within me as all the thoughts, judgments, beliefs, ideals I’ve imposed onto what I create.

It has taken me some time to start breaking through it, and it also required this point of inner conflict for me to see to what extent I was holding myself captive with these beliefs about it. I also knew that just writing about it won’t sort it out, because I understand in theory what self acceptance is, what embracing myself means – but in terms of doing and living that in relation to my art, it had to do with actually taking the steps to show it. Art is meant to be seen and shown – yeah some people might say it’s not true, but here I focus on my current relationship to it – it’s a visual thing, it’s something that’s meant to be shown and so by preventing me from showing paintings for example, I had to confront the truth of why I wasn’t doing so, and that has to do with insecurities, ideas of my stuff not being good enough or creative enough or expressive enough – interestingly enough doing this within the realm that has very subjective and movable standards though.

This year has marked the return to creating art in general and that means painting for me, and walking through the plethora of judgments that I had imposed onto the process of creativity over years which led me to stop and give up on it for some time, holding a conflictive relationship with it all because of the judgments, the limitation, the standards, the ideas I projected about ‘how it must look’ and also trying to please people with it, within the consideration of also being able to sell it.

That’s a whole different point as well though where you have to make stuff that others can like in a particular market, but I’m sure that there can be different kinds of people for different kinds of expressions, which means that the real problem isn’t about ‘having others liking it to buy it,’ but it still had to do with me being able to embrace my creations.

I’ve spent many hours listening to creative individuals, mostly movie directors and artists that have gotten to a point of success because of standing behind their creations, completely embracing them as themselves, ‘sticking to their gut’ as they say and with that being able to persevere, not give up, embrace their mistakes and not be afraid of showing their creations to the world even if to them were ‘aberrations’ at first. I laughed at myself a few times while listening to them, it assisted a lot to know how it’s not easy to embrace something you create even for very successful people in the business and how everyone goes through this trial and error and dissatisfaction phase – even in a constant manner throughout their career – with their creations and how all that it requires is to keep at it, to keep moving, to keep testing.

Something I did differently this time around is to not say ‘no’ to doing commercial paintings involving themes I would have ‘never’ dared to paint before because of thinking it would go against my personal preferences. However it is through having said ‘yes’ to those things I resisted doing that I started breaking through some of my core limitations when it comes to creation and self-beliefs, which has been quite supportive.

Also on the practical realm, it assists with practicing stuff, being able to test out techniques and ways of painting I’ve never done because I had always only done ‘stuff I like’ which I’ve been able to still do and test out, but I’ve been mostly spending my time with fixed commissions which has assisted me to get comfortable and back into the practice, into the actual ‘doing’ that painting entails.

As part of walking the process of correction for these fears of judgments and comparison, I decided to start sharing and posting my paintings online on my Instagram page, because I had refrained myself from doing so throughout most of the year, so now I’m sharing some of the ones I made this year.

It is now the moment for me to test who I am within sharing: am I looking for recognition? Am I looking to be accepted by others or have positive feedback from others? And in that I decide to make it about sharing, unconditionally showing because that’s the key point I had been struggling with, showing my stuff. And yes it’s crazy because as simple as it can be for many to share stuff on Instagram or Facebook, to me it’s become a source of nervousness that I have to step into and simply direct myself to share and walk through the nervousness and insecurity in a moment before posting and then it’s done, it’s out in the open.

I realize that I have to continue developing the habit of sharing and walking through those moments that to me feel like taking ‘leaps of faith’ where all that exists is trusting me, being able to stand behind my work and let go of ‘what ifs’, it’s there, nothing more and nothing less. 

So the overall outcome of this is realizing how I can only be the one that can stop me from creating judgments, standards, ideas or beliefs of how something must look, I simply have to be there every step of the way it takes to create something and that then becomes the accumulation of me being able to stand behind my creation in whichever way it results.

This reminds me of how unconditional I used to be when it came to art creation before, I was unable to destroy or get rid of anything that wasn’t ‘good enough’ because I understood it as part of my creation process, a part of me. That might sound a bit ‘too much’ but in principle it assisted me to be much more unconditional when it comes to sharing/showing my stuff, I didn’t hold a ‘high regard’ on it or anything, I had no standards and that’s what I want to go back to again.

I also recognize how preposterous it is to compare ourselves to someone else’s expression. I definitely agree how the process of comparison is one main distractor that keeps us from genuinely focusing on our own expression, weaknesses, talents, strengths and the rest of it.  So this is an active process for me, it’s probably one of the most ingrained things along with judgment, and that means that I also have to realize that what I do as art or creativity is not all that I am as a person, it’s a part, an expression – but at the same time realizing there’s much more to share, give and express as myself beyond creative expressions, which to me has a lot to do with being able to share, coexist with others and that’s basically one of the points where this self-acceptance and embracing myself has become a more settled aspect of me, and getting to enjoy that individuality that I represent, just like anyone else does.

So I have to essentially apply the same process to my creative process and results thereof, where I have to be the first one that has to stop nullifying myself by fearing showing myself to others in whichever form or way. What’s the worst that can happen?  If any criticism, judgments, dislikes come my way, that’s then a cool aspect for me to face and confront in my life, which would only allow me to know where I am still fearing to not have a ‘spot’ in someone’s preferences, where I still as a weakness, where I am still defining myself based on others’ preferences or judgments or where I would be measuring myself only according to certain traits or characteristics and diminishing myself to only that one aspect, while neglecting the rest of the person that I am.

What I mean is that it is also totally possible that even if we embrace our creations and stand by them, If we want to make a business out of it and people are simply not buying it, it doesn’t mean that everything I am is ‘lost’ or ‘a failure’ either. It would mean that I have to keep testing out ways to see what works with others in terms of selling it. And if not, I also realize this is not the one and only thing I’m able and willing to do in my life, so in this it also points out where I have to expand my horizons and not get fixated only in the idea of ‘having to be a selling artist’ in order to survive and develop myself in this world. This is something I’ve also been considering and yes, it exists as a point of awareness and consideration, yet in practicality for now, I am dedicating myself to it, because it is only through doing this that I can face many points I had neglected to look at before because of fears.

This is also how I’ve been able to stop judging doing artworks as something ‘menial’ or ‘unimportant’ for the world, because I stopped wanting to save the world or change other people’s lives. I want to focus on developing myself in whichever shape or form I can when it comes to art, relationships, work and in relation to how I interact with other people in my reality and see where I can give the most of myself, where I can contribute the most to make something work or be taken to the next step of functionality and success.

That’s also been a major shift for a while in my life, which in turn doesn’t mean I become inconsiderate towards the world or others, it simply means I stop neglecting my life, my creation, my potential and instead of trying to sort ‘everything and everyone else out’, I now focus on creating and developing myself, because through doing that and being the best for me, I am best for all at the same time.

So, I’ll keep focusing on these aspects in my day to day

I recommend listening to these series which was also supportive to walk through these points of comparison and stepping into self-creation and self-acceptance in it.

Monsters Born From Comparison

Stopping the Comparison Monster

 

Self Acceptance

Join us in our process of Self-Expression as LIFE


609. Courage in Self-Expression

 

I want to share about the ways in which I’ve been opening up to a new understanding of what ‘living’ is about and letting go of a stifling rigidity that I’ve kept within an idea of what I like, enjoy, the kind of person I, what I dislike, what I’m supposed to be and do and I’ve been seeing how limiting all of that has been when confronted with new people, new ways of living, behaving, talking, expressing in day to day living – and of course also related to arts and music.

Well, it’s no mystery that a lot of my life is influenced by fellow creative people, especially when they are the kind that represent a joyful expression which to me contains a pinch of innocence, they seem to be ‘boundless’ and without a care so to speak in terms of how other people might see them, perceive them – in essence being carefree in their expression, not holding themselves back with ‘second thoughts’ or ‘what others will think of them,’ and to me that’s quite a precious quality in ourselves as human beings.

I recently learned from an interesting explanation about The Jonah Complex and the Fear of Greatness how we fear being different, we fear truly expressing ourselves, we want to conform and ‘blend in’ because we fear ‘standing alone’ in our own ways of being, essentially daring to be unique and so start fearing ‘to exist’ which means to emerge, appear, stand out and this eventually creating a ‘fear of life’ or fear of living, where we don’t want to be our own creators, we don’t want to achieve our greatness – which I read more as in creating our living potential – because that would mean changing, that would mean standing outside of our comfort zone, that means doing the actual work it means to create our individuality and own our creation. Yep, that’s the paradoxical nature of ourselves as human beings in our own minds and can definitely prove that. 

I really enjoyed listening that explanation because throughout my life I’ve struggled in that polarity of realizing how much I could ‘stand out’ – which I’ve shared in a previous blog – yet because of caring too much about everyone’s feedback, I decided to step back, ‘cease to exist’ and seek for more ways to hide out, blend in, stand in the back/to not stand out, to remain limited and inevitably becoming and embodying that fear of truly standing out and being ‘me’ in whichever way I genuinely wanted and could be.  

I went through a phase of first rebelling against anything that I didn’t want to achieve based on what everyone else was doing, which still led me to a form of limitation and still defining myself based on ‘not doing what everyone else is doing’ – which is the whole antagonistic personality I’ve shared a lot about in this blog before. But, I hadn’t really stepped outside of the paradigm to genuinely ask myself: what do I want to live? What do I genuinely enjoy? What do I want to create regardless of the ‘kind of person’ I think I am supposed to be? Or the kind of topics of interest that I thought ‘I was supposed to ONLY be interested on’? And I noticed how I was slowly but surely caging myself into an idea of who I had to be, look like, dress like, care about, act like etc. even though I could see all those moments that would come up within me wanting to do something different, wanting to test out certain expressions that I would see in others and would only ‘judge them’ for daring to express something that I wanted to express deep inside myself.

One of these aspects in the sheer ability to enjoy life. I know, sounds as if I’m veering into a ‘self conceited’ topic, but I will step outside of my own projections and say nope, this is actually the one point that I had refrained myself to do in an almost religious manner – and hell, I am still getting out of my cocoon on this one! – which has nothing to do with going into extremes of ‘libertinage’ when it comes to associating enjoyment with ‘parting’ or all kinds of excesses that we usually associate ‘enjoyment’ to be about.

Nope, actually this enjoyment is more of a decision in the most simple of moments, it’s not something that will suddenly ‘take over myself’ either or come up as an energy that I have to build up into ‘enjoyment!’ – no, this that I’m talking about it is more like an opening, a decision to express, to ‘step outside of myself,’ in essence to decide to exist in moments where I knew I wanted to express myself in such ‘carefree’ ways – yet would allow my ‘idea of self’ to dictate the way I was supposed to behave and look like at the eyes of others and the rest of it. But in fact, I am discovering that I am the most content, happy and joyful with and within myself when I have zero thoughts about how someone/others might be ‘perceiving me’ and in that I’ve found the most enjoyable quietness where I can simply ‘be’. And no, this doesn’t mean sitting in a quiet place and meditating, nope and it doesn’t also come as quick and simple as just ‘letting go’ – it is also the result of all of these years of working with myself, understanding my judgments, patterns and limitations, so that I can now be more comfortable in living the words that I want to ‘be’ and make exist as myself.

A clear example of this is how I started to listen to a type of music that I never thought I would get to be quite fond of. I would randomly hear a live band in my home town and they play very upbeat and generally joyful/happy music called Klezmer. I started listening to them every now and then around town 2 years ago, and I remember standing there with my then partner and having the impulse to move my feet, my knees, to kind of dance to the beats of that music – yet, the ‘rigidity’ of my own personality would come out in ways of ‘oh no, that would not be ‘me’ liking this kind of happy, joyful music’ – yet slowly but surely, I kept creating an interest in listening to them playing it and would stand still while listening to it, yet inside myself started kind of dancing to the tunes and enjoying those moments.

Well, long story short, after many times of listening to them in my frequent trips walking downtown, it is only now that I’ve been able to move my feet and legs and head around when listening to them, and yep knowing that people are watching and sometimes ask me if I’m ‘with the band’ lol, but nope and no, I don’t put on a show either, haha! But it’s been mostly children thus far that I’ve seen moving their bodies to the sound of the music, because that’s mostly what that music is for! Yet most adults – including myself in the past – would focus on enjoying the music and maybe craving to move around or bob our heads yet we kept bound to ideas of ‘how we are supposed to be’ or ‘not knowing how to dance that kind of music’ or ‘what will others say if we start moving around? I actually enjoy standing there while the band is playing and looking at people’s facial reactions, some do move around a bit while they pass by and so I’ve made it a point to learn from those few and in between that have dared to dance along or move around, including the guys in the band which is something I also appreciate from creative people in general, being quite ‘gutsy’ – for a lack of a better word – to own their individuality, show their courage in their expression and share it in a carefree manner – and by ‘carefree’ I mean without judgment towards themselves and therefore without projected judgments coming from others.

No matter how much one walks through ‘judging oneself,’ I find that one has to find an actual way to work through it in a practical and physical manner. To me, making paintings is one, learning to own my creation no matter how it looks, no matter if I ‘like it’ or not, but see them all as part of a process to express myself, to actually live my potential and I’ve met some people in the past weeks that represent that genuine expression of enjoyment in who they are through their creative process. And in this I don’t mean that everyone has to look at artists as a source of inspiration, to me that’s just how it has usually been throughout my life. It can be any other person that in their field of expertise or interest are really good at doing something and seeing how much they enjoy doing so is a source of inspiration, because they represent that potential that we can develop for ourselves in our own ways and lives.

Many times I’ve wallowed within myself when comparing ‘me’ and ‘my creations’ to those of others, and it seems that generally this obnoxious sense of comparison is a constant judgment that I bring up to sabotage myself – therefore what do I know? I can only remind myself about the uniqueness and individuality that each individual represents, to stop seeing others as a point of measurement for my own life or creations, and always remember that there is no point in comparing or judging how I express, what I express and the ways in which I go developing such expressions, because that’s a unique process to me and myself only. And in that, I can nurture myself from the many examples that I’ve found in people’s expressions, doesn’t matter how ‘simple’ it might be, it can start with having the ‘guts’ to sing out in public or play music in the streets – anything that I would consider as something that I would probably enjoy doing yet would not ‘dare’ to do it, I can then learn to see what words these people represent that I am not living myself. And what comes up is having that courage to express myself.

Yesterday as I was listening to this band playing live, they had no fears to change places in instruments and play in front of everyone their own practice of learning a new instrument, and even if the songs didn’t come out ‘perfectly’, I definitely appreciated the fact that they had no qualms about it or keeping their ‘practice/learning process secret’ but simply did it out there in public. And also being genuine when it comes to not lying about ‘enjoying every single moment of playing,’ but being quite honest on how tiring it can be, yet at the same time being inspired by the expressions that this music brings out in people  – and kids specially – which is quite awesome to witness.

So, this kind of music and the way these guys have come to create their band is quite unique in the sense that many of them might have been professional musicians, but some others didn’t know how to play any instrument, yet they had the will and courage to learn and be part of the band, so they learned an instrument in order to be part of it. It has made me consider how many times we admire people like musicians or any other form of performers because they have gotten to do something that we have yearned to do, which is to express, create and stand out with it in the world, to dare to exist beyond one’s own 4 closed walls.

Where am I in this process of having the courage to express myself? Definitely in the beginning stages, even more so considering how much I had to shed this idea that I could not enjoy life or had to suffer or could not just ‘be happy’ because ‘the world is not a happy place,’ yet I see for myself how people daring to do this in their lives becomes a source of inspiration for everyone else to dare to do what each one of us actually wants to do, and actually do it! Have the courage to do it, dare to ‘stand out’, daring to be unique, daring to not follow the crowd – not from an antagonistic or rebellious way but based on understanding our capacity to live in a very unique way that in turn, may inspire others to do the same in their lives, and that’s who I want to be and what I want to be, to give that back to the world based on all that I’ve learned from many, many people that have inspired me in my life and that have assisted me – without them even knowing – in becoming who I am today.

So, part of what I’ve been looking at in terms of embracing myself, my looks, my physical feature as the totality of ‘me’ – which I have judged as ‘odd’ – I can embrace within that uniqueness that I decide to live as myself, and reminding myself every time that I start going into judgments about myself and projecting it towards others, I have to remind myself how present I can be when I am judgment-less, when moving my limbs a bit when listening to this music out in the public in downtown and each time that I dare to do it more often, it feels more liberating and I become the most quiet and joyful and not in an ‘overt’ manner, but in that genuine ‘hereness’ of expression, because I’m simply there with the music, moving with it and there’s no thoughts, no fears, no expectations… and it’s hard at times to have those moments in one’s day, but I found that this is one of my moments of enjoyment, to have that ‘me’ time if you will yet sharing it with others at the same time.

And! No pressure if there’s no ‘live band’ I can dance to, I’ve been also playing some music that invariably leads me to want to dance as well, which is another interesting thing based on how I had thought that ‘I don’t like dancing anymore’ but I just hadn’t found the kind of music that I genuinely and almost naturally want to move my body to, which has been a cool discovery for myself as well and letting go of ideas that I had to like a particular ‘kind of music’ to ‘dance to.’ Hell no, we are the only ones that create our limitations. So I am definitely in that phase of challenging my own expression-limitations, breaking them apart and in that discovering the little bits of self-enjoyment I had held myself back from for such a looong time.

So for anyone out there, I can only suggest to have a look at where or in what/who do you find inspiration to self-express, what it means to embrace your creative self and I am not implying this is only an ‘art creation’ thing, nope – every human being is a creator, so in that we all are creating every single moment – most of the times without awareness! – therefore, if we become self-aware creators and in that determine the ways that we want to live every moment, the ways that we want to challenge our boundaries, our personalities, our fears, we will slowly but surely go realizing the potential that has always ‘been here’ as ourselves, just covered up with our fears, memories, excuses, reasons, justifications and preferences that have limited ourselves from getting to know ourselves and enjoy ourselves in the process.

Ok that’s it! Have fun

Here I share some of the music including this live band that I am speaking of here, which I actually got to record because I’ve become friends with the band J

Colectivo Klezmorino – Festival Rodarte

 

And! a taste of the other band I’ve been enjoying to move around to

DakhaBrakha: NPR Music Tiny Desk Concert

 

 

And this painting I made within the starting point of expressing me, having fun, while being inspired by the music represented in the image of the band itself Sonrisa 

 

Klezmorinos

 

Join us in our process of Self-Creation as LIFE


592. Looking for Meaning in Creation

 

Or how I imposed this ‘holier than thou’ experience to art creation and how I decide to stand in relation to it as a point of self-expansion.

Continuing from the points I opened up yesterday and going straight into the point of ‘looking for meaning’. This also opened up through watching another film, this one by Carlos Reygadas called Post Tenebras Lux and after I watched it, I was also expecting some kind of life changing outcome or realization – just like I did with Paterson which I described yesterday, and I am usually not just conforming with having a ‘meh’ experience about things as if ‘I truly didn’t get anything out of it’ or as if ‘I can’t really learn anything about myself with it.’ I’ve learned that we can always gather something to learn from anything/anyone in our lives and I’ve been using certain kind of films to do just that.

So I decided to check out interviews with the director to know more about his ‘intent’ or ‘purpose’ with this movie, and it was actually quite refreshing to do so because he basically also assisted me to debunk my expectations and see beyond this ‘search for meaning and purpose’ or ‘giving a message with/through art.’ In this interview here he explains how he’s not a propagandist, he doesn’t have a ‘message to give’ in his films other than using the language that film is – as images and sound – and showing things that he likes, that he finds beautiful, places where he lives in and showing the simplicity of life – and that’s it.

Then I was able to again ‘rewind’ my experience through watching the film and basically seeing myself have that same ‘expectation’ of something suddenly happening that will ‘change the course of events’ – which surely, it does at some point – but most of the film is very slow, moment by moment depiction of life and normal people’s interactions, people that are not even actors and he essentially used his own house and kids to do the film, very simplistic kind of film that turns out as a nice thing to watch altogether. And so through listening to his explanation, I was able to realize more about this ‘urge’ to ‘find a meaning’ to everything, and within that realizing how much I have constantly sought this ‘meaning’ in life and to things to the point where I have ‘missed out’ on life itself as I described in my previous blog because of this desire to find ‘something greater than life’ in things – lol – which is impossible, because life just is, anything ‘greater’ is just a mindfuck, to be honest.

And this is how I came to see that my approach to art and doing art was basically coming from a mindfuck, a desire to create something ‘bigger than myself’ and that would ‘transcend me,’ that would ‘become a message to the world’ of something mystical or incomprehensible through words and… ah! and there I go, again to that one point where I essentially created my own mindfuck which I’ll explain for the sake of context and ‘refreshing’ my story to see how I ‘wired’ myself into this ‘conflict’ essentially, becoming the words that I speak.

After high school I wanted to study visual arts, the university I wanted was in ‘the big city’ and I essentially conformed with my second option at the time because you know ‘how will the youngest of the house leave at a tender age to the big-monster Mexico City?’ and so that’s what I did. I coursed a first year at the Literature and Linguistic faculty here in my home city’s university and to say the least I kept my finger on the same spot of ‘I want to create art, not study books’ – and my second option was of course writing my own stuff, but going to school for that didn’t make sense, and somehow going to school for arts made more sense lol, but that’s another story.

To sum it up, I created my own inner conflict in saying that I had enough of words, that I was sick of words, that I wanted to ‘part ways’ with words – lol – that there’s something ‘more to say’ through images and so yeah here quoting that point of ‘we become what we think’ and I eventually decided to quit literature school and apply to get to the National University to study visual arts in Mexico City – I got in, got the support, went there and walked it through. And while I was there during the first year I made this idea of myself being dissatisfied with ‘just words’ and how I wanted to create something MORE than just words which I then equated to creating pieces of art because that’s how I then ‘wired’ myself to think that it was somehow ‘more important’ or ‘greater than’ myself, lol.

Here the pattern then becomes clear how there had been this drive to do something ‘beyond me’ apparently within a desire of superiority, of magnificence, of grandeur, of big meanings and ‘deep’ stuff that could touch people’s inner-core and ‘change them forevermore’ lolol. Well, as funny as it may sound now to me, that was sort of my intent within studying art and turning it all into this very emotional, chaotic and drama-queen process that I walked in this ‘quest’ to find meaning in life through art, and that’s how I then got very deep into mysticism, religions, philosophy, new age writings, old traditions and anything I could find that would talk about this ‘greater nonsense’ than ourselves mortals on this Earth. To sum it up, I was trying to ‘find god’ in art and that whole ‘quest’ and ‘journey’ to ‘find it’ is what became this seemingly insatiable desire to ‘quench’ my desire to know the ultimate things, to ‘find the greater truth’ and for some reason I linked this to arts and god, but it is what it is.

It’s actually no different to how we go through our lives seeking a meaning, a purpose to our lives, and we don’t realize that they are all just concepts in our heads! Which then makes us inactive, passive ‘waiters’ for ‘life to happen’ instead of realizing we are the ones we have been waiting for and that we have to be the ones that decide to Create our lives and create such day to day purpose no matter how seemingly ‘irrelevant’ it is, we decide HOW we define things, and we decide if we trap and limit ourselves in our own definitions as well, entirely up to us, but all I can say is that we truly have to evolve from this ‘endless seeking and waiting’ for something ‘greater’ to happen to us, We Are It!

The point here is to remind myself of these bits of my story to debunk any current reminiscence of trying to ‘find’ or ‘create’ this ‘something’ bigger than life in arts, or wanting to create something ‘super deep’ and ‘super meaningful’ and that could ‘awaken people up’ through images, because that’s still existent as part of this old drive and ‘thirst’ that I associated with arts and creation as something that would be ‘transcending myself’ in some kind of mystical way… I was definitely on my way to essentially trip myself with my artwork into this godhood path… but fortunately one year into art school I found Desteni, and bam! the rest is history.

So that’s why this year when I decided to take on arts again as a full time activity, this kind of ‘desire to create meaningful stuff’ has come through again, to the point where I have limited myself so much in what I would do because of not wanting to be ‘superficial’ or ‘trivial’ in what I paint, which interestingly enough I have been challenging myself with doing, such as painting the kind of paintings that I had before judged as ‘decorative’ in nature and as such a ‘lower’ form of art, which of course is all again a definition, a judgment that I’ve been brainwashed with and so imposed to things mostly from the ‘education’ one gets in art school where you are apparently a ‘lower’ kind of ‘artisan’ if you paint stuff that people simply likes to have around for how pretty it looks.

Needless to say that these past months of being doing that kind of paintings I have faced my mind-ful and mouthful of judgments right on my face as I’ve shared before, where I have worked on stopping ‘dwelling’ on the image itself, the ‘judgments’ that I’d associate with painting something in particular, to in essence let go of how I had been taught to categorize the kind of painting I was doing and stick to seeing it as what it is, an image that I paint, and that’s it.

Man, it hasn’t been a walk in the park to be honest, and that’s how it’s been also very cool because I know that it’s all in my head! It’s just a bunch of concepts, ideas, theories, labels that I’ve associated with certain kinds of art measured in an apparent ‘higher’ or ‘lower’ scale that god knows who has decided to layout for some people to then identify with ‘lower’ or ‘higher’ forms of art.

And as I take a deep breath, I realize that it’s all knowledge and information that I can decide to simply let go of in the moment when I am painting something and stop comparing the image or ‘what I am painting’ to any piece of information/knowledge that I’ve read or heard before and what I’ve been doing instead is precisely getting to establish a quiet presence while painting, which is stopping the judgments around ‘the final picture’ and ‘how it would be categorized/considered in the art world’ or how ‘others would categorize it’ and instead just focus on doing it the best way that I can.

I’ve also realized how in doing things that are out of my comfort zone, I’ve been able to rather focus on the practicality of making something that turns out well in and of itself, where I am challenged in terms of technique and skills and pushing myself to develop more patience at times with certain kind of images that ‘I would never had accepted to paint’ a decade ago… lol I see that I am right where I can in essence catapult my ego back to where it belongs with this kind of tasks that I currently have when it comes to painting, and so practically walking through this ‘desire to create something meaningful’ as in ‘above of myself’ through art, and instead rather focusing on doing things that I am satisfied with, as a piece in itself – no comparisons, no classifications, no labels, but seeing it as the final product that it is.

And yes, I’m aware that any art purist reading this could have a heart attack, which is something I would have had a decade ago and that I’ve essentially had to practically walk through to be doing what I’m currently doing. I still have to get to the point of being genuinely satisfied within myself in it, where I can genuinely ‘like’ it which has a lot to do with rewiring my perceptions, judgments, preferences attached to art which who knows maybe I won’t ever get to ‘re-wire’ and change to like stuff that I know I can create, but don’t necessarily ‘like.’ And so I can redefine this ‘likeness’ not to as personal preference, but as a set of objective parameters of something being well made, well finished and where I am satisfied that I did my best to accomplish it, where I was detailed enough in it and at the same time continue learning and expanding as I go.

Because that’s another very tricky part about art where I believe that it could be an ‘endless’ thing to do because there’s no finite ‘end’ to something, one can always remake it and add things or re-do things and yep, actually currently walking that with some pieces, but I see it as part of getting my hands on this after a long time and so, I rather appreciate and make the best of the time that I have to practice and test things out that I had not done before. To sum up: I am expanding on what I can do and that’s being out of my comfort zone and yeah it’s challenging, but I’m not fighting it or complaining about it at all – it’s simply a matter of bit by bit expanding my horizons as I say in relation to what I am capable of doing.

I won’t lie, I find it quite difficult to say when something is ‘done’ for example, but that’s where I have to keep practicing and start building some self-trust with my creations, which is quite suitable for this self-process as well.

To finalize, what do I decide to make of ‘meaning’? I’ve been looking at this word and what opens up is ‘me-ning’ I decide what I make of things and so to be aware of when I am trying to make something ‘more’ or ‘less’ than anything in my mind, to elevate it or seek for some kind of ‘higher purpose’ to things which is not the point at all. I precisely have to let go of all of these ‘grandeur’ and ‘depth’ in concepts to something as simple as an image painted on a canvas. It just is, doesn’t ‘need’ or ‘require’ to mean something. I decide what kind of ‘me-ning’ I create for it, what I decide to imprint on it and it doesn’t necessarily have to do with the image or content in it, but with ‘who I am’ in the manufacturing of it. In essence, I have to remove this ‘divine aura’ to art which I sincerely don’t even know anymore where the hell I got this idea from… might be art school but seems it was there before already – doesn’t really matter though, point is that I’m aware now of what this ‘holier than thou’ thing is in relation to art.

Within this it has been quite cool to know other artist’s stories and how their approach to doing art was much more simple and ‘normal’ to them, without any pretense other than doing something they could spend their time on while being mostly alone or ‘having nothing to do’ in any given day. Their approach to doing art became a part of ‘what they do for fun’ and as such, there is no baggage with this kind of divine, holistic and godly associations that I imposed onto ‘art creation’ in my life. De-mystifying is a word that is suitable, because when I strip things from this ‘mindfuck’ what is left is the thing in itself, with physical characteristics that are quite obvious and evident and don’t require any ‘extra-head’ to create a meaning for… and that makes sense for me to continue working on, to keep it grounded, keep it physical, keep it simple… because something tells me that’s where I can in fact see ‘the truth’ of myself beyond knowledge and information in the sheer act of painting.

Ok! That’s it… in time I might have some more feedback on this, for now I’m satisfied about seeing all the connections made and where I decide to stand in relation to this ‘meaning’ word in my day to day and when I approach other creations such as films, paintings, etc. Thanks for reading

 

Plastic Chair

 

Join us in our process of Self-Expression as LIFE


591. Looking Forward and Missing Out the Life

Or how I’ve realized the expectations I’ve built upon ‘my life’ creating a ‘waiting mode’ for these ‘grandiose things’ yet to happen, instead of appreciating life as it takes place in every moment to truly learn to live.

I’ve been looking at my relationship with ‘meaning’ and I am aware that this might be more of a ‘philosophical’ approach here that I haven’t written out in a while, but it’s equally important to me due to what I’ve been doing recently which is painting again and doing so from a different starting point than how it all ‘once began’ for me in this curiosity and ‘desire to express’ all of these ‘things’ that I wanted to say somehow after having been writing and reading a lot on my own, taking on painting as a way to now ‘do my part’ in not only ‘taking in’ others’ creations, but also expressing it out/giving back something, somehow. That all started during a summer 14 years ago, so here I am 14 years later reflecting on what has been this ‘ride’ with my intent behind painting and ‘arts’ in general and how much of a ‘big deal’ I made of it in my mind.

I notice how I started paintings more as a ‘way of communicating’ something, wanting to ‘express’ something which yes at the time in the plethora of little watercolors I made were all related to feeling sorry for myself, feeling depressed, feeling lonely or painting an ‘ideal lifestyle’ that I would somehow someday get to experience myself in, so in a way yes painting emotional states or ‘ideal situations’ I’d see myself in, painted my fears of the future, my fears of growing up and getting into the ‘adult world’ and in a way wanting to stay within the realm of the ‘eccentric’ out of the ‘usual things’ to do in life, like the regular job and the regular ‘adult lifestyle’ that is completely immersed in the system and living a routine that ‘slowly kills you’ quoting Radiohead’s song which I would have on repeat mode while starting this ‘new thing’ for me to explore at the time which was painting, having no background on it, no painting lessons, no artsy relatives, no nothing, just some drawings here and there that I’d be focusing on during classes, because somehow it assisted me in remaining focused on what was being said.

Focusing here on that ‘desire to express’ to me was my way of ‘creating a meaning’ and ‘creating a purpose’ to something that I had many times judged as trivial, like paintings, stuff that I would fixate on and hang around me just for the pure sake of – as I’ve defined it – ‘visual viciousness’, which  yes I ‘gave up’ for some time apparently while walking this process but, I decided to not make it a fixation anymore or this energized relationship of ‘seeing beautiful things’ around me to give them a name, because some were not necessarily ‘beautiful’ yet they more had a meaning to me. Each thing that I had around me had a ‘meaning’ and I consider that until this day, that can be said so about the bunch of stuff I have around me, so that is an interesting thing to consider as well.

How I got to ‘connect the dots’ to get to open up this topic on ‘meaning’ and wanting to create stuff that would ‘mean’ something or that would ‘express’ something closely related to something ‘transcendental’ or ‘beyond me’ or whatever else I defined as ‘larger than life’ was through having watched Jim Jarmusch’s latest movie Paterson and I must say that his previous movie Only Lovers Left Alive had left quite a ‘deep’ imprint on me at the time when I watched it and yes, was very emotional and dealt with a ‘touchy’ subject for me at the time, and when I watched this one, at first I was like ‘meh’ because! I didn’t get that ‘transcendental experience’ from it – read energetically charged and overwhelming experience – I didn’t get this ‘life changing’ insta-realization from it or didn’t get a floor-moving type of outcome from it –  or at least I thought so initially. But of course I didn’t accept that to be ‘my final verdict’ on it as it was more of an ‘out of the movie theatre’ experience, though I had been aware that I had been in fact ‘disturbed’ while watching it in a certain way by the whole thing unfolding and not only because of ‘the movie’ in itself, but due to observing my approach towards It and what it had brought up in me while watching it.

So I challenged myself to see further, to see how I had been in fact disturbed by it, because of the role that routine takes in the movie and how we are creatures of routine, everything that happens day to day is ‘the same routine’ – sun comes up, sun goes down and we have to do what we have to do to keep alive – and then there’s the rest of ‘in between’ moments where our lives happen, and that’s where I noticed myself being almost ‘yearning’ for something different to happen, where I saw myself in this ‘waiting-mode’ for this ‘grand thing’ to happen in the whole movie… and it doesn’t – or shall I say it just ‘didn’t happen’ the way I was kind of expecting. In the movie, life unfolds, things just ‘take place’ and within realizing my expectations, I saw how I was in fact challenged on that, I saw how this ‘looking forward’ impulse in me was there the whole time until something kind of ‘unexpected’ happens and it becomes like a ‘start over’ in the film, but there was a slight sense within me throughout the whole thing of ‘is this it?’ and so expecting some ‘major’ event happening, some major ‘plot twist’ that would suddenly take me to the edge of my seat, lol even though I am aware of how Jarmusch’s movies are, there was still that kind of expectation within me… well it never happened and I am glad it didn’t, or more like it didn’t happen ‘during the movie’ but more on how it assisted me to reflect things about myself, my own life and day to day approach.

What this movie showed me is how much of a ‘waiting mode’ I create within life, where I’ve been ‘waiting for my life to happen’ so many years, waiting to ‘get somewhere’ or ‘go and live somewhere else’ for years only to realize that’s not really where I actually wanted to go to, yet I kept my whole day to day in ‘waiting mode’ for that and sort of ‘doing my thing’ in between, not really fully ‘living’ but again quoting Radiohead, it felt like just ‘killing time’ until I would ‘get there’ and I just didn’t.

What this film made me appreciate again is the simplicity of life happening on a day to day basis, where we cannot ever ‘get rid of’ routine, in fact it was a great test to be OK  with witnessing this whole routine unfolding throughout a week and not getting ‘desperate’ in it or go into some sort of backchat around how ‘this was so predictable’ because in essence it could be defined as such – but I decided to choose to rather appreciate the ‘moment by moment’ situations in the film and let go of expecting these ‘grand situations’ coming up, and instead appreciate the normalcy of it for ‘what it is’ which of course it has a lot of charms in it that had been carefully built in throughout the whole film that I also in that moment got to enjoy.

It was also interesting because I had written out before about my relationship to routine itself, but something changes when you are witnessing someone else’s routine, specially within the context of a movie which opened up new points for me to explore, and that’s great, because it also made me realize how I cannot really ever say ‘I’m clear towards that word/concept’ it’s a constant opening, evolving, changing thing based on how we interact with everything and everyone else.

Once that the film was over, the fact that my ‘great expectations’ were sort of by default deflated, I was pushed to ‘rewind’ it in my head to then see what it was really all about for me and how there wasn’t this ‘great meaning’ to it, this ‘transcendental outcome’ that I was expecting, but how it all depends on ‘who I am’ within watching it and so rather seeing what I decide to appreciate or take from the movie as a sheer enjoyable experience of immersing myself in this guy’s life and his day to day living for a week and ‘all that happens in between.’

This led me to see how even if I ‘thought’ of myself as not being conditioned by the ‘great plots’ and ‘great twists’ in stories, I had become somewhat ‘hooked’ on that kind of narratives because they end up engaging more of an emotional experience than a simple witnessing of life happening – everyday living happening – which also reminds me of a similar Japanese movie I also watched not long ago called After the Storm in a similar vein where the character is already a mature man that seems to be waiting for some things yet to ‘happen’ in his life  and there’s no big ending on the story, but more like the resolution of how he had to simply ‘keep walking his life’ and letting go of these hopes he held about his career and personal life. I also got to enjoy the movie for the depiction that it is of ‘regular lives’ without any transcendental events, just  ‘normal day to day’ relationships unfolding and the ‘charms’ in life as it unfolds.

My redefined approach to these movies assisted me to see how there has been this ‘waiting for the great moment’ type of approach to my life,  just like that ‘climax’ that we many times believe will somehow end up happening in our ‘life story’ and will ‘forever change us’ and will ‘forever be this grand moment’ but, that’s more like how I realize I have been conditioned to THINK of life, instead of actually Living it, as is, in its day to day, without expectations, without ‘waiting modes,’ without ‘creating these perfect moments’ that I probably got to read a lot about in books and that I many times tried to recreate in my own life through relationships and through the kind of paintings I would make, where I wanted to evoke this ‘superb’ experience, this ‘epicness’ that could somehow scare you and frighten you and give you this sense of this ‘bigger than life’ meaning that …. Well, I have to now realize has been my own ‘mindjob’ to be honest and how I am rather being grateful to once again through art and in this case through films and documentaries be able to ‘get myself off of my high horse’ and appreciate what I had previously seen as the ‘insignificant things in life’, the day to day, the Living moment, rather than being in my head holding this ‘grand expectations’ for ‘greater meanings, greater purposes’ over my shoulders about this ‘epic event’ or ‘climatic moment’ in my life that is apparently ‘yet to come.’

I once made a lithograph that reads ‘never wait’ and the face has got this anguished experience because that’s for the most part how I spent many years in my life, waiting for ‘my life to happen’ in some sort of ‘waiting for someone to knock at your door, discover your real talents and make you have a great life’ type of thing… not really realizing that life is not about building these ‘great outcomes’ or ‘grand schemes’ or ‘big climatic epic moments’ but it IS all about everything in between from the moment we are aware of ourselves as individuals to our last breath, it is ALL of our life, from the ‘greater changes’ and decisions to the ‘smallest’ moments.

I decide to stop living as a walking-expectation in ‘waiting mode’ for this ‘something great’ to happen to me… if anything, I am living it as I speak, we are all kinds of ‘miracles’ of life considering how far we’ve pushed ourselves in this world to coexist and have relatively ‘normal lives’ with all the inner and outer chaos that we recreate within and without on a daily basis… It showed me how much I have taken ‘normalcy’ for granted as well when it comes to polarizing my experience to that of the most unfortunate majority in this world that surely cannot even afford to spend a couple of hours watching a movie about ‘life unfolding’ because their own is not even being ‘lived fully’ but only ‘survived through.’

All of these points make me place my life into perspective, not to make me feel ‘bad’ or ‘insignificant’ with my topics opened up here when polarized and compared to ‘those that are suffering in this world,’ because of course anything will seem petty and meaningless when going into comparison with anything that stands as manifested consequences that yes, we will have to sort out altogether; but I’ve also learned to not attempt and try to ‘save the world’ without first living one’s life in an actual self-aware manner, and so beginning within changing the way I approach ‘life itself’ for example, stepping down from this ‘grand idea’ of all of these ‘meaningful things’ that I wanted to create and say and express in my head and rather equalize the meaning to every moment that I am alive – no more, no less – it’s there for me to decide who I am in it.

I’ve been aware of how far out I’ve gone to when it comes to ‘judging things’ but this is part of how I’ve created my own limitations/ fears and ideals in relation to anything in life, any part of ‘what’s here’ and that’s all based on how I’ve judged things, people, places, situations, events, outcomes as either good, bad, exciting, dull, depressive, joyful, and creating preferences around ‘what I want to experience’ instead of embracing life as a whole, as the compendium of all of these things as ‘what life is about,’ which is not about seeking an ‘experience’ all the time or finding any grand meanings, not about making these ‘transcendental pictures’ or wanting to ‘save the world’ or ‘save others from themselves’, but about getting to live fully in my own life and with those around me and in the relationships that I create.

For now I do see that if we all did this, a lot of the existential anguish as I like to call it would fade away and we would start reconsidering what ‘living’ and ‘life is really about – maybe we would start embracing and appreciating our life in every moment, ‘as it happens,’ where in my particular case I choose to take it also as an opportunity to create myself in every moment as the person I am aware I can live with for the rest of my life, where I can enjoy those seemingly ‘repetitive moments’ by stopping judging ‘repetition’ as a ‘boring’ thing or ‘uneventful’ thing, and in that sense stopping looking for these ‘grand experiences in my life,’ but simply take life as is

Some events will surely ‘shake us’ more than others, but it’s all part of living, it cannot happen ‘every day’ nor would it even be sane to live that way in a ‘high rollercoaster of emotions’ because we of course take a toll on our bodies if that was even a possibility… it just can’t and I shouldn’t even expect that as ‘LIFE happening…’ that’s not living, that’s a constant yearning to be forever stimulated into a perception or energized experience of living, but it’s not living as such.

I’d like to rather consider the simplicity of things, which yes I have before in my photography practice tried to also ‘turn into something more’ than what it is when taking pictures of ‘garbage’ or what I would judge as ‘deprecating things or ‘meaningless stuff’ and give it a spot through my eyes in a desire to make it beautiful or ‘sublime’ or whatever else, but that’s still me wanting to make things ‘more’ than what they are… and that’s not the point either.

Here I can instead look back at my physical body as a reference of what ‘life is’ and extend the same approach that my body lives on a day to day basis to ‘how I live life.’ It goes through its ups and downs at times, there are entire seasons where everything is just ‘fine’ and working well, it just ‘is’, it moves, it digests, it grows, it decays, it goes through its processing and challenges due to whatever I do or not do with it on my day to day, but it doesn’t NEED any meaning to exist, my body doesn’t require these ‘transcendental experiences’ to keep itself alive, it just lives, it just exists, it just keeps breathing whether I am aware of it or not, and I am entirely grateful for it because, man, we all know that we would not be existing right here and right now if we had to entirely manage every single process that is consciously done by our physical body in itself and at the same time handle ourselves as our mind and being…  it’s a marvelous thing yet, I’ve already shared before as well how much I had taken it for granted.

This same approach is what I decide to integrate in my life from now on and even in this week after watching that movie on Sunday, it has assisted me to ‘slow’ down’ in that sense in my ‘waiting-modes’ and ‘building expectations’ towards something eventually ‘happening’ in my life which are still there as potential outcomes, yet I have been deliberately focusing more on this ‘moment by moment’ approach, and more so, to not judge ‘the moment’ as ‘more or less’ than anything, to not seek to make every moment ‘larger than life’ lol, because that would be me in my mind wanting to still exist as some form of stimulation, an ‘experience’, a ‘meaning separate from myself’ in my head rather than taking life as it happens and living it to the best of my ability in that moment, pushing myself to in my case and current point of focus, stop looking ‘forward’ to anything, but be fully present and in that creating an awareness more towards my physical body, my own experience, how I ‘see things’, how I relate to people, how I perceive my environment, etc.

All of this is also a result of a great series of interviews related to many of these points I’ve opened up and that I am quite grateful for because it has assisted me to identify where I am still very much in my mind looking at life, instead of actually Living it, so I suggest checking them out to genuinely ‘enlighten’ ourselves for once and for all about what’s really REAL in this world and that I had definitely taken for granted.

Redefining Physical – The Crucifixion of Jesus – Part 109

Redefining Physical (Part 2) – The Crucifixion of Jesus – Part 110

Redefining Physical (Part 3) – The Crucifixion of Jesus – Part 111

 

I’ll continue with more on the ‘meaning’ and paintings in another blog…

 

Thanks for reading

 

 

Join us in our process of Self-Expression as LIFE


576. Facing the Self-Created Delusions

 

Or how everything that I judged, thought and created as an experience towards art came back to haunt me.  

I’ve been busy these past weeks/months rekindling my relationship with art. It is a relationship at at the moment because – as I’ve shared before – it became a source of many judgments, opinions, beliefs about who I am in relation to it, which means I ended up creating a bunch of experiences ‘towards it’ and identifying that as my posture within doing art or towards art in general – but interestingly enough, I stopped seeing myself as my art because of how I started imposing my experience towards it – as judgments, beliefs, opinions, emotions – instead of focusing on simply doing it and working with the physical outcome of it.

And this also reminds me that even if I give myself the authority and ‘green light’ to create something, I will invariably also confront all the past baggage and sort it out in the process, can’t have a clean slate by itself, I have to actually do the ‘cleaning’ process which is what I’ll share here.

I consider that making this difference is a primary point here because we tend to create an ‘experience’ towards something or someone and lose that objective view on things and start romanticizing them, just like we do with anything in our minds through energetic experiences that we end up being controlled and driven by in our lives, making decisions based on an experience, rather than objectively and consciously looking at something, assessing and then making a decision.

What I’ve been realizing is that I am facing all of that clutter of experiences, judgments, opinions, comparisons, insecurities and self-doubt that I imprinted onto ‘art creation’ over the last years, which wasn’t necessarily always the case. I started doing art as a response to wanting to express and do something for and by myself that I could solely enjoy for the visual aspect of it. I’ve called myself a ‘reformed visual vicious’ because I did get to a point of turning everything into something I could fixate on and create an experience towards, be it related to beauty or astonishment which is again me creating a relationship, an experience towards things instead of embracing what I would see as myself – take it in and breathe it out so to speak – but instead, I developed a form of romance with art which became eventually a love hate relationship where as some song goes, to ‘hate’ something you first had to ‘love’ it and love in this context wasn’t a living expression of myself towards myself at the time, but glorifying something external to myself through which I could find a sense and meaning to my life, which I now don’t really seek to find one because #IMatter, so I am the meaning of whatever it is that I am living, doing and placing my effort on.

Within seeking to do something ‘meaningful to life’ and others’ lives specifically, I disregarded myself in my own self-creation process – this became obvious in the kind of relationships I created over the years, how I placed myself in at ‘at your service’ type of stance to anything that sounded good to me and in that, well if I would have continued, a strong sense of ‘losing myself’ would have continued emerging from it. I distanced myself from doing that which in fact was challenging myself the most and that is art creation, because I linked it to self-creation and because I linked it to this whole process of transformation of who I am where my points of view have dramatically changed over the years about virtually everything, going into an extremism of sorts where my absolutism led me to the ultimate limitation: “you can’t do anything that is for your own pleasure and visual viciousness, you have to do something meaningful to life.”

But, who told me this? No one else but myself, I created my own standards and limitations, I created my own ideas of what was more ‘noble’ to do in this world according to the idea of getting to create a substantial change in this world, but how could I if the expression underlying that attempt was one of self-limitation, martyrdom, self-sacrifice, denial of what is it that I truly want to be and express? It is the truth of it really, how can I attempt to be an example to the world of what living ‘freedom’ is if all I’m trying to do is impose my principles and views on others while living in a continuous self-limitation within myself?

And that’s what I’ve been facing currently in the practical day to day process of painting. I am the creator, I have the creative ability as anyone else in this world and I set the limits, I set the boundaries, I define the shapes, the forms, the colors, the subject, the meaning, all of it – and that to me has become in my head quite a challenge in fact, which culminated in the past days going through a physical experience of pain and headaches because of all these ideas, beliefs, perceptions, judgments and opinions about what I’m doing in art again and in essence, facing my-self-creation: facing all of these reactions that I imposed into something that is part of our reality as ‘art’ and confronting myself with my self-created limitations and fears while doing it.

Well, this is the real challenge to me, to go beyond the conditionings I’ve imposed to myself in something that used to be ‘so free and careless’ to me as an experience, it was ‘my point of liberation’ yet I turned it into a masochistic experience over the years to the point of not wanting to do anything with it and now having to ‘take the dive again’ into the same pool and face the process of creating or recreating myself as these words that art used to be for myself: enjoyment, liberation, carelessness, a sense of freedom and authority to decide an outcome, a final result of something.

I ended up turning that into an uncomfortable ‘limitless’ set of possibilities. I am being challenged out of my very ‘squared’ way of living actually, where I can be a very efficient and structured oriented person when there’s a beginning and an end to a task and project that can be gauged and ‘mathematically measured’ as finished, as complete… but! I am definitely challenged when it comes to having no limits, no boundaries and having to actually push through my own fears within this notion of reinventing myself in it.

So, this is more of a realization of that ‘crisis’ that comes when we have resisted to do something for so long because of all of the reactions we had imprinted onto it and finally decide to walk through it. I don’t have a problem to get myself to ‘do something,’ but being satisfied with what I do is a whole different thing and that’s what I want to focus on here, because I have the determination, I am creating the discipline to incorporate painting – at the moment – as part of my day to day, except for this week where I’ve been mostly reflecting on all of these points, which has resulted in spending more time in my head than actually doing anything about it. But, I won’t criticize this either, because I’ve been writing and speaking with other people about this creative process which kind of opened up perspectives in me to not judge this ‘stage’ that I’m facing, to understand it as part of the process in itself and also, to practically start redirecting myself in every moment that I see there’s this limitation or ‘idea’ of what I should be doing creeping in and instead test out ways, find my way of expressing myself, without creating ideas, beliefs, perceptions of ‘what it has to be.’

 

I had postponed the decision to actually get to paint for months to the point where I had these lined up white canvasses in front of me without actually moving myself to make the necessary space in the place that is now my ‘workspace’ for painting and get myself in motion.

So now I’m ‘in motion’ but that was the easy part it seems… To me what has become the most challenging is the ‘who I am’ in it where a lot of doubts, uncertainties, ideas, beliefs come up in me about what looks fine and what doesn’t, what I’d like to express – but at the same time considering the painting as something that someone else will buy according to their taste and hang on their wall as something they will be having around and part of their living pace.

I consider that part of the reasons why I had decided to give up art before is because of the plethora of ‘uncomfortable places’ I found myself in while doing anything related to it, thinking more about how others will see it and then using that as a way to limit myself though projecting ideas, beliefs of how it’s going to look at the eyes of others – potential buyers of it – and if it will be ‘good enough’ for them.

Essentially what has been coming up these past days is a fear of failure, fear that no one will like them and so ending up with a stack of stuff that no one will ever pay something for. And this is then the right place to be at within my process, where there is no finite way to measure what’s ‘good or bad’, where there is only an expression that I can be satisfied with or not and getting to know such ‘zone’ within me which, I understand is existing in me, it is there as a potential but here comes also the second layer of what has been creating a sort of ‘cloud’ over my head.

I stopped doing art for several years. It used to be my ‘daily bread’ for a part of my life and then I started judging it in all possible ways as meaningless, as purposeless, as a waste of time, and in that I justified stopping doing anything related to it for quite some time, even though it always remained there in the back of my head. And this has made me in a way be regretting those decisions. These past days I’ve been in somewhat of a ‘lost zone’ within me because of being thinking too much about all the opportunities I once had in front of me related to art and I denied it all, I said ‘no thank you’ and turned my back to it, completely and in quite a righteous stance I must say. And within that, I became all the thoughts that I created towards art, only to now be in the process of having to forgive myself for all those limitations I created towards it and also letting go of ‘all that could have been’ ideas in relation to it and how I ‘think’ that I could have developed myself if I had not given up on myself in art for some time.

What comes up mostly is the perceived ‘lost time’ and this is the idea that has been running around in my head, which is now creating a sense of having to ‘rush’ to practice, to get things done now in a way trying to ‘make up for’ the past, for the ‘wrong decisions’ I believe I made, not only in relation to arts but other contexts in my life like relationships or mistakes that I’ve made for not having sufficient precaution and consideration, as well as an outflow of procrastination in relation to my professional status which I am now on the way to take responsibility for and close those ‘holes’ that I’ve left behind me.

So, within participating in all of these thoughts – which are also fueled by the lack of money, fear of not making money, fear of not ‘making sufficient money’ – I’ve caused myself quite a strain in my body these days more noticeably so, fueled by also comparing myself to what I am aware my fellow peers in art school are accomplishing in their lives and in a way seeing myself as ‘having lost my track’ or even ‘having lost my mojo’ so to speak when it comes to creativity, and in essence, being a bit too exigent on myself expecting certain outcomes or results ‘already,’ considering that with arts- and with anything really – one has to practice to get to a point of satisfaction and eventual mastery, and it is kind of obvious that if I didn’t practice for such a long time and completely disconnected from it,  it’ll take some time for me to ‘get back on track’ and develop myself with it, which means I have to change my current approach stemming from fears, judgments, limitations, regret and in a way yes even if subtle frustration that if I would continue to allow as ‘my experience’ would lead me to ‘give up’ because that’s apparently the easy way out in our minds, which I am aware I won’t do as a conscious decision, but still, I lay out that potential outflow if I don’t actually take a self-responsible action in what I am experiencing.

So this takes me to seeing ‘who am I’ when I am in front of a canvas to paint? All that exists is the idea of having to do something that can be liked by others and this is the challenging spot for me, where I can create a balance between expressing myself, representing myself while also at the same time considering others without going into the point of compromise. And to understand where and how I would compromise myself in something as ‘subjective’ for a lack of a better word as art is not an easy task, but I am willing to find my way in it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret the choices I made in my life before in having created a load of judgments about art in order to justify stopping doing anything related to it instead of seeing that at the time that’s who I was, that’s where I was in my life and that even if I could ‘go back in time,’ I would still be ‘me’ at the time making those decisions that I was quite certain of at the moment. Therefore this is where I have to own my creation, to see nothing and no one as the ‘culprit’ for me desisting on this creative path but myself and so that means I can place myself back on track on it as I can now decide to test out this route and see how I can develop myself on it and so continuing to see what I learn and discover of myself that I had ‘given up’ to before.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be deciding to create art from a starting point of fearing failing, fear of survival where then all that becomes is me living as ‘fear of survival’ while painting or doing anything related to arts within which I create a pressure in me that eventually takes a toll on my body and gets to the point where it becomes unbearable to do anything, because my head and body physically gets drained every time that I am seeing through the eyes of fear at what I’m about to create or in the process of creating, therefore

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to live trust, consideration and patience within the process of creating something new, where I am instead trying to ‘achieve’ something in a short period of time within a starting point of ‘need to produce more and more’ and in that, not seeing that who I am and what my expression itself is existing as is fear of failure, fear of not having these pieces being liked and bought and therefore having other fears in the background having to do with survival and sorting out other consequences that I’ve also created in my life and that I have to attend as well.

I realize that existing in that ‘survival’ mode while creating something won’t lead me anywhere but creating further stress and pressure on my body, which I actually need to be at ease and in an equilibrium in order to create.

I also consider that I have contaminated my expression a lot based on adding this dimension of ‘potentially selling’ something where I haven’t equalized myself to that possibility and outflow of creating art and instead, have turned it into this murky experience that I believe I have to be at all times considering in order to satisfy a potential buyer’s taste.

If I look back at how I started doing art – and the reason why I also decided to go back to it – is because It was one of the points I took on for myself as a decision I made and lived up to the point of choosing it to be my career, which I then regretted, which I now not regret, and this is the kind of ‘change of mind’ that in my mind and system seems unreliable, untrustworthy, believing I ‘cannot change my mind about something like that, I moved on and that means moving on!’ but I have had to also face the absolutist in me and be humble enough to ‘eat my words’ and rather understand them within the timeframe and context I was in.

It is quite interesting though how righteousness veiled my stance towards arts, believing that what I was thinking, judging and creating as opinions within me were ‘right’ and ‘justified’ and it only makes sense that now I am facing my own ‘bullets firing back at me’ so, yep! I did it to myself and it’s a great way for me to realize what owning one’s creation is, it’s nothing glorious but sometimes it will be as uncomfortable as what I am describing here.

So, how I see it is that unless I clear my relationship with art in all the minute reactions that come up as I am doing it, I’ll continue compounding this experience within me, because as with anything: we are the words that we live, we become what we think, act or don’t act on – therefore if I am constantly churning these experiences of feeling inadequate, incompetent, out of practice, having ‘lost my mojo’ then I will only continue tampering the actual practical process it will take to get back on track within it again and see how I can develop myself currently in it.

I also have to make peace with the fact that yes, that time where I didn’t get to do anything related to art is the same as when one used to exercise every day and stops for several years and one suddenly wants to ‘get back at it,’ I cannot expect my body to respond exactly the same as it was when doing it on a constant basis and I’ve proven this to myself also with exercise even with two or three weeks of not getting to it, takes some time to ‘get back on track’ and readjust.

So, I consider that as much as I’ve been trying to get comfortable with starting over, painting over what I consider as ‘not good enough,’ I also have to stop trying to ‘achieve’ something ideal in my mind, because it only creates a pressure that then becomes a compounded reaction that gets to eventually become more of a physical pain to sort out that prevents me from painting or doing anything related to arts.

I also have to stop judging all of these points as petty points as well, considering how for many it would be a luxury to be dedicating myself to what I am now taking on again as a career path – however, can’t compare myself that way, nor try and compare myself with the idea of what I believe ‘I should be doing by now’ and instead be realistic and humble about the fact that as much as I may have had some practice before, at the moment it will require some time to develop the skills again, to rediscover them if anything through practice over time. I am aware I am dedicated, and I can spend time on it without a problem, so working on something is not the problem – this is about my self-expression and breaking through the multiple self-imposed barriers I’ve created in my mind towards or ‘within’ the creative act and finding the equilibrium to create something that I am satisfied with and at the same time becomes a source of income.

I have to also let go of the ideas of comparing my stuff with what I see some of my peers doing because I am quite aware that becomes also a recipe for disaster if I then create an idea of what ‘I should be doing’ instead of working with what’s here, what I can do, express and work on developing and be OK with the process it will take in this case to develop the skills, because that’s an actual practice that takes time and diligence to it.

What can be immediate though is me living words that are supportive like patience to develop a consistent practice yet not expect ‘excellent results’ right away or ‘master pieces’ type of ideas, because that becomes also an underlying pressure that I am trying to achieve which ends up causing more of a wreck within me than being of any support, therefore I have to Let Go of those ideals and even letting go of seeking that ultimate ‘good outcome’ that I believe I should be aspiring to create – because this becomes also something I am ‘thinking’ about in my head, instead of rather focusing directly on what’s in front of me to work with and express myself as, which is what I consider I haven’t fully aligned within me, all related to notions of ‘good enough’/ ‘not good enough’ and the subtle frustration that comes in me when realizing I’m not ‘fully being myself.’

Doing art is quite the perfect challenge for me to focus on, because there’s nothing else that triggers so many points for me to face by myself, alone, with my literal creation than this. I’ve tested various things and I’m usually ‘good’ at getting things done and taking responsibilities, doing tasks from a to b, but anything that exists within an actual ‘open possibility for anything’ it becomes a challenging task for me, as much as there is an enjoyment in it at the same time I end up clouding it with my ideas, expectations, beliefs, judgments that for sure then become ‘what I express’ in a very literal and visible manner.

One thing I’ve been more ok with is making mistakes. Before I would not dare to start over again or paint over something, I have been more accepting of that rather than giving up completely on it and not working on it for years as I’ve done before.

Also the point of ‘I matter’ works quite well for this process as well, where I have to yes, consider others, what the purpose of this creation is for, but at the same time to do it for myself, not ‘for others’ in my mind constantly or the ‘potentials’ for this or that creation – I have to first and foremost find out again what it is to express something that represents me, is me as who I currently am and I consider that with that, the rest becomes by default an easier point to approach, because then I am trusting myself in it/as it, which are cool words and platforms to start from.

The rest is entirely up to me, where I can translate these words in forms, ways, trying out things that I haven’t done before and be ok with taking those risks and experimenting and seeing ‘what comes out of it’ without trying to control such outcome in one way or another. I have to be fully embracing me in this and stop torturing myself with thoughts of ‘I should not have stopped doing this, I should not have left this behind, I should not have made that choice, I should not have listened to this/that commentary’ Because what’s done is done, and can’t turn back time, but can only work with what’s currently here in my reality from now on.

At the same time, I also have to be flexible and see what outcomes I create, where I don’t create an absolutism of ‘this is the only thing I’ll  fully dedicate myself to from now on’ and take on the absolutist stance in that and closing any other potential ways, doors that could open up as well. This is in a way also assisting in realizing that my whole life doesn’t ‘only’ depend on this, yet at the same time considering there is a potential to work on and be patient and diligent with it too, so that I can embrace myself, my creations and be more carefree with it as I used to be within it, which was the actual source of enjoying my expression in art, ‘boundless’ in a way and realm of possibilities this implies.

I am glad I am embarking myself on this path again, because as much as I ‘separated’ myself from it with a cloud of judgments, it is something that never ceased to be in the back of my head, I just denied it and judged it and told me ‘don’t go there,’ but why deny it any longer? I see how supportive it is to transcend these judgments and actually get to do what in a way has been a constant in my life, very present at times, some other times in the back of my head as a suppressed potential, and now I placed it back on the board for myself. I definitely have to also let go of the idea that I’ve wasted ‘precious years’ for it, because this is also not about ‘time’ entirely, but about what I decide to live and do in this moment and from now on, as myself, as my expression and not judge or compare myself within it based on ‘what I could have achieved by now’ in a parallel universe of having continued doing it without interruption.

So, that’s what I’ll be focusing on while also not creating an absolutism about it and being ‘only driven by’ certain desires to fulfill with it, but discover what it means to express myself as it/in it completely… and there’s only a way to find out: By actually doing it, not thinking of it.

I suggest checking out these audios on Eqafe.com that are assisting to see how we create this absolutism in our minds and establish ways to investigate where we are being one and so limiting ourselves in our creative authority and capacity:

My Life of Absolutism – Life Review

My Life of Absolutism (Part 2) – Life Review

Hitting a Wall

 

 The more I think

 

Join us in our process of Self-Expression as LIFE


541. Creativity and Self-Creation

§  Continuing from: 530. The Secret Behind Attraction

 

This word right here is ‘close to my heart’ so to speak considering how I have previously conceived creativity in a rather limited way, linking it to artistic skills for the most part and traits within myself and others that would be geared towards expressing oneself in any form of art or doing something ingenious, witty or clever that serves a practical purpose.

However throughout this process with walking the tools of self-support at Desteni, I’ve learned to understand the actual depth of who we are as creators, created and creation, which might sound a bit too ‘out there’ initially – and it certainly does require a vast context that one can find support to walk through step by step in several series that can be found at Eqafe.com. Here I’ll focus on debunking this limited perception of how I can at times still perceive that I can be separate from my ‘creative abilities’ by defining that only related to ‘doing original work’ or creating a particular trademark in relation to artistic creations, instead of realizing that these are all results, the byproduct of a much more intricate and personal self-process of understanding self-creation and the actual ability we have to determine our lives and so our destiny, not only in creating something ‘out there’ but as ourselves, identifying ourselves as our own creators too and honoring that creative ability in our lives.

Here I am therefore giving a step forward from my initial approach to this word as seen in relation to ‘liking another person for being creative’ and taking this word back to myself, to see who am I as this word and how I am living it, what needs to be fine-tuned and what I want to continue creating of myself and my life in the context of being an individual that can stand as an example of what it means to honor one’s creation and one’s contribution to the whole that we are all a part of.

Perceiving that we are not the sole creators of our lives leads to a sense of disempowerment, of ‘atrophy’ in believing that we are always subject to our weaknesses, our faults, our ‘human nature’ in which in my experience can show up at times being very quick to judge things or determine that something is not ‘good enough’ and get doubtful about myself and the totality of what I am doing in a moment, tending to compare myself to others or get impatient in this process of self-creation. All of these aspects are precisely the points that I have to continue working on and being detailed about, because whatever we eventually create and manifest not only as things we do or create in the external world, but every single thought, word and deed will be ultimately influenced by the very core of our being, who we are in every moment of our day = what we accept and allow to determine ourselves in our minds and so in our reality.

What does that mean? I’ve noticed that if I for example accept an experience of pointlessness or defeatism within something that I am doing, and believing that ‘there’s no point for it’ and lose my ground and initial vision to create something in my reality, I am quick to ‘give up’ on it and then judge it as something that ‘just isn’t for me’ and consider that there are ‘others that are better at it, but not me,’ resulting in separating myself from a particular capacity that I simply had to keep practicing and working on, but was very quick to give up to, meaning I didn’t live perseverance on it.

I discovered this when painting last year – which yes, certainly this is what might be considered a ‘formal creative activity’, but I’ve discovered that interestingly enough it is the one thing that had become a point I separated myself from due to reacting to what I was painting and drowning into judgments of pointlessness, dissatisfaction, lacking a purpose in it, ending up losing ground on what I was physically doing as the painting. The outcome? A painting that I was dissatisfied with and that I used as an excuse to say ‘I don’t want to paint anymore, this is useless, it’s futile, I’m done with this, I’m not good at it, there’s no point to it, I just give it up’

What I became aware of within that process is how I created my own outcome in relation to painting entirely through having allowed these judgments, thoughts that translated into emotions creeping up and completely directing myself in that moment as I was painting. I also realized that my very starting point for painting was flawed, because in that one day I was using painting as a way to evade my reality and a particular conflictive situation I was experiencing with someone in my reality, but not dealing with it in myself – so I essentially created my ‘sabotaged outcome’ when attempting to create something while I wasn’t stable within myself  or ‘at my core’ in that moment, and using painting as a way to ‘evade’ instead of being there and create as myself. 

So, who was I as creator in that moment? Evading myself first of all, believing I could create a better experience through painting and forgetting about the inner conflict in relation to something else in my reality. This created an outcome of recreating all of my weaknesses of the past and bringing them through in my act of painting charged with all of these judgments and inner-annoyance that I allowed within myself even before painting and it eventually outflowed into what I ended up painting.

The painting itself stood there for over a year as a reminder of something I left half way through and as a statement of ‘this is why I don’t want to go back to painting again,’ which I knew was unacceptable, but interestingly enough I also procrastinated getting back at it.

A month ago I took that same canvas and reworked it into a different outcome that I decided to experiment with, mostly to precisely in real time work on changing my relationship to painting itself, this time being aware of having a clear starting point, being stable and grounded within myself and my decision and ensuring that I wasn’t entertaining backchats and thoughts of how ‘terrible’ it was or how ‘pointless’ this was, but instead decided that: this is me directing myself to express in this painting, being flexible and open to the outcome of it, not having a fixed idea on it and walking through that resistance that I kept ‘alive’ within me for a year or so to not paint.

While having this clear starting point, of course the ‘usual doubts’ that I had experienced in the past emerged, the notions of ‘I should be doing something else’ and various other judgments, but I decided to continue doing it anyways, continuing directing, not focusing on the ‘result’ only but rather focusing on ‘who I am’ in this whole creative process. And this can stand as a good analogy to our lives where many times we can be very ‘result-based’ and if we don’t manage to create what we want, we drown into a low, a depression, a giving up – instead of rather seeing what can we learn about ourselves in the process of creating ourselves, what skills do we develop, what challenges can we identify and practically work on overcoming? All of this makes any creative process much more enjoyable where we don’t only focus on ‘a result in the future,’ but rather focus on who am I all the step of the way to get to do or become something, which is what matters in the context of life.

This example is a way to illustrate how we are the sole creators of ourselves. If I in that past moment of painting defined myself as not good enough, as having a ‘bad experience’ while painting, then of course the outcome became a reflection on that and I would resist painting after those few hours when I started that painting – and I ‘gave up’  even attempting to do something about it and instead made of my experience ‘who I am’ by letting everyone know how pointless it was to paint, how I am done with arts, how there’s no point to it – lol – now having to eat my words and forgive myself for it because I realized how it was a way of throwing a tantrum as a result of my own self-created sabotage. It was like deliberately cutting an arm off and then believing that “I’m fine without it” This is not only about arts though, but it can be applied to anything else in one’s life.

Another example can be where I go into judgment about an expression in another and remaining with that judgment about another, not questioning, not seeing it as something I actually must debunk within myself and align within myself in order to stand equal to that person – and what happens when I remain in that judgment is I am in fact diminishing my capacity to get to know that other person, to really live the word equality and create that relationship that I can essentially establish with anyone in this world if I decide to create it and nurture it, because it ultimately is our creation: we decide, we make the changes, we live the corrections, we walk the talk so to speak and there one goes.

One can walk through a veil of judgments and into getting to know a person for real, which I’ve personally have experienced various times where there was an initial judgment toward them and through self-forgiving and stopping my participation in those judgments within myself- along with time and in a deliberate decision to get to know them better – I’ve proven myself how much I had ‘made up my mind’ about them and all that I would have prevented myself from creating if I had remained in my mind-patterns.

Self-creation therefore can be as simple as deciding to make a change about a behavior or thought pattern in our lives, we determine it, we decide on it and we ‘give it life’ by integrating such change or point of creation in our day to day living, and that’s precisely what living words is all about as well, where these words won’t ‘come up’ like thoughts or backchat in our minds as a ‘natural flow’ or ‘desire’ even to live and create  – nope, we are unfortunately not hard-wired to live creation as life, we are mostly hard-wire to self-sabotage which is illustrated in what I shared about my relationship with arts and painting when I allowed myself to be dictated by my mind, instead of standing as the directive principle.

My current relationship to self-creation is thus a relationship of self-discovery, self-awareness and ultimately self-empowerment, which comes also with the understanding that in being responsible for all that I am and create, it also gives me that certainty that no matter ‘what’ I create – if I make mistakes, if I ‘fall’, if I go the ‘wrong route’ in my choices, decisions and actions – I can trust myself that I have my self-honesty to assess myself and so do the process with self-writing, self-forgiveness in self honesty, lay out the corrections and stand up again to continue walking.

There’s no excuse anymore to ‘give up’ on something based on a ‘bad experience’ with something, I can instead practically assess what is practical to do, what makes sense to change as well as what’s practical to dedicate my time, breath of life and effort to, to be the sole director of who am I day to day – that’s self-creation right there and accordingly, we also then determine ‘who we will be’ because this reality works in patterns, so we essentially can re-wire or re-write ourselves by imprinting new ways to live from morning to night time, we can decide how we look at our day: a day to create or a day to ‘relive the problems of the past’,  we can decide to be solution-oriented, to learn to live words in moments where we see the emotions or self-sabotage creep up, to make that decision to stand up and be directive in the moment – all of these moment to moment changes and decisions are already a point of self-creation and this is precisely what this process is all about.

So, we are all creative, we all create every single moment –for the good or for the worse – and realizing that ability we all are constantly exercising and learning to honor it and act as creators with integrity, with self-respect and regard to life can truly be the way to change the fabric of the relationships we create in this world.

Also, I remind my-self not to be discouraged if things don’t work as intended in terms of change in a few first set of times, it takes practice, it takes diligence, it takes focus, it takes dedication and a commitment to self, which are all words we have to also learn to practice, live and integrate into the fabric of our very being, considering that they are also not ‘natural’ aspects in ourselves for now, but they can become part of us with the same diligence and consistency one applies to learn or create anything in reality.

We live in a physical reality, so patience is very relevant, persevering is the actual word here to look at which is also a timely reminder for me, to not lose sight of what I create on a daily basis and always see it within the greater context as well of contributing to create and bring life into the physical through my day to day living.

Sounds great isn’t it? But it takes actual work to do, so my only suggestion is to consider this creative capacity we all have and decide who we want to be as artists creating ourselves as our own masterpiece, one that we will live with and embody for the rest of our lives.

Thanks for reading

 

Multiple Possibilities to Express

 

Join us in our process of Self-Creation as LIFE


487. The Origins of My Conditional Expression

Or how I defined my expression based on others’ reception instead of being my own starting point for and as it.

 

Sunday was ‘the origin’ day because in the morning as I shared on my last blog I was looking at the origins of ourselves in existence. And during the afternoon, I went to my parents’ house and we watched some of the home videos of the time when I was a very young girl, around 4-5 years old and I noticed that I as I was watching them, I started laughing almost hysterically about them all. The reason? In most of them I am dancing and impersonating any other pop star I was infatuated with at the time and it all seemed like very funny in how I was moving and expressing myself. But at the same time of being laughing about what I was watching, I noticed that there were other reactions because it did seem like I got into a mix of emotions/feelings – in essence energetic experiences – that I had not had in a long time and were triggered by watching myself as a young kid.

A part of what I could see is how every single move I was making was essentially me coping the people I Idolized at the time and so trying to move exactly as they did on TV which in a way was me wanting to be ‘like the people on TV’ and in no way was there a real expression coming through in me, but instead ‘camera time’ meant I had to put on a show and dance and ‘get the attention’, which was another proof and reminder of how we have tainted our unconditional expression based on copying others that we perceive as popular, as applauded by the people and in doing so, shaping who I wanted to be according to the usual standards of wanting to be an artist or someone famous someday, which I actually got to live through in my initial decision to study arts, quite predictably so I’d say which is how most of our lives function where we become what we’ve been exposed to and how none of our preferences or ways of expressing ourselves are in fact ‘our genuine expression’ because we start copying everything and everyone around us from a very young age.

When I was laughing at the same time there were emotions involved like sadness. I guess it was me going back to those years of perceived innocence and everything else that I came to be and do in my life later on when seeking for myself ‘out there’, seeking acceptance by others, seeking to be valued by others, seeking to be recognized by others – all of those patterns seemed to already be fueled from that very early age when I equated my self-value to ‘putting up a show’ essentially and very much based on performance – through dancing, through being a ‘good student’ in school, through exaggeration of movements and ways of expressing to get people’s attention or stand out from the crowd – yep, that’s been definitely a pattern from a very early age.

I noticed that my laughter while watching the whole time wasn’t a real expression, but instead entirely a way to cope with the moment and in fact suppressing and hiding a series of emotions I was actually confronting upon seeing through my eyes that ‘mini-me’ version doing things that I know – as much as I could have enjoyed myself doing it at the time – was very much copied and made as a display for others as well, which reveals a whole lot about a core programming within myself where a ‘showing off’ attitude became part of my personality in order to get attention, recognition, validation, specialness and all these points upon seeing how ingrained they were at such a young age in me, made me kind of sad because I ponder how I could have been without all that stimulation through music and particular singers, what would I have been more inclined to do if I had not been exposed all the time to the notion of imitating pop-stars and sing and dance in front of a camera all the time, get into a ‘high’ to do the show.

I got so defined by ‘doing the whole show’ in every major family reunion/party that I eventually got sick of it, stopped dancing altogether because I noticed how I became like a monkey-show for everyone that would simply start dancing with music playing, be ‘the center of attention ‘ for others that weren’t willing many times to do it themselves. It was a very programmed experience and I would enjoy the attention I would get – or so I thought. And I see how we program kids in general to become this sort of ‘show’ for the parents or adults in one way or another, which eventually as kids we integrate as a way to ‘make others happy’ or ‘make others value ourselves’ in a very conditioned and programmed way.

Of course, this is not to blame anyone for this, parents didn’t know any better either, society didn’t know any better, we didn’t know any better. All that I can do is recognize those ways in me now and see what I have accepted and allowed to ‘define me’ from a very  young age and from there, ensure that whenever I am expressing myself, it’s not to put up a show for someone or to create an experience in others, but entirely live it as myself, for myself, as an expression of me.

It’s interesting yet foreseeable that I ended up choosing a career where one makes things that are meant to be displayed and enjoyed by others, or at least that’s the way I used to look at it because art can also be made as a way of expression and that’s it, but invariably it gets to a circuit of receivers that will obtain an experience through it, will ‘interact’ with it in one way or another. And this leads to a self-compromise if the starting point is ‘doing things for others’ instead of doing so for oneself.

I can change something from now, for example, in how I interact with my niece and nephew to not recreate the patterns of only valuing them for the things that they do or create, but for who they are. I see the same programming in them coming through, a showing up in both the intellectual and the expression way, a ‘putting up a show’ for others at times in various ways which fascinatingly enough represent both of the aspects I came to define myself as – and I guess this is something we’ve all had and been through where we’re constantly seeing ourselves through the eyes of others, instead of being the origin of our expression ourselves.

I’ve also considered that I can assist my niece and nephew to understand these points and share my own realizations and experience and so learn to be themselves, to trust themselves, without seeking approval from others.

That whole Sunday situation of laughing hysterically interestingly enough showed me where I wasn’t really present but it was a mixture of emotions that I simply ‘laughed out’ in a very awkward way which fortunately my partner also noticed and said something along the lines of what I’ve shared here, how Kids are good at copying the expressions that they consider superior which was a grounding comment at the time so that I could precisely start seeing with a more objective pair of eyes – past the nostalgia type of experience – into the ‘who I was’ and have been throughout my life. He also didn’t get any fuzzy feelings about it, lol which is great and rarely does he do anyways, but constantly looks at things very objectively which is very supportive for me every time I seem to be getting too ‘aloof’ and above my ground in some kind of ecstatic or high experience, like with this hysterical laughter.

 

A suggestion then for parents, to not see kids as ‘show makers’ because one ends up creating a ‘hate-love’ relationship with expression in essence, compromising ourselves based on wanting to do it ‘for others’ and missing out ourselves in it all. I also see how a part of me that created that ‘love-hate’ relationship with Art I’ve been writing about throughout the years has to do with this self-definition of ‘who I am ‘based on ‘what I do’ and how that ‘what I do’ is received, qualified, valued by others. This is then the way in which I’ve conditioned myself ‘at the eyes of others’ and haven’t stood my ground to express as me, for me and in doing so being the very origin and end of my expression. That’s a definitive way in which I want to live for sure and if I can assist kids to understand this for themselves, that’s great too.

Interestingly enough, after this Sunday of hysterical laughter I had swollen tonsils which I remembered ‘tonsillitis’ means tons of light and had to look at this ‘enlightened self-interest’ aspect in me while watching the videos – because it came up right after watching that – and seeing how in fact I had gone into a ‘high’ of sorts with this laughter that at the same time was suppressing a lot of myself in it. And as I write this out and finally ‘digest it through’ I can feel my tonsils are getting a bit better…

So, here’s the self-forgiveness on these points which actually relate a lot to this ‘initial point of separation’ I talked about in my last blog and then I was able to see my very origins of that.

 I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to from a very young age condition, program and mold myself to copy others’ expressions that I knew were popular, that I defined and perceived as superior or ‘more than me’ so that when recreating these expressions at home, I could get my parents’ and everyone’s expression of approval in order to create a positive experience through the attention, the ‘enjoyment’ that I could see in others, the ‘show’ I could put up in order to be ‘special’ and ‘unique’ and in doing so believing that I could only be valued through constantly getting attention from others, being recognized by others and in doing so, programming myself to always ‘seek for approval’ or ‘acceptance’ in separation of myself – instead of acknowledging myself as my origin and end of self-expression: doing it for me as myself, without expectations.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself as a child to believe that copying others that were ‘famous artists’ was a way for me to also be special, recognized, gain attention from people at home and in my family, wherein I believed that I had to constantly then ‘put up a show’ as in dance and sing and move around in exaggerated manners in order to keep that focus and attention on myself, which also at the same time hides the other polarity from ‘wanting to be noticed’ to ‘disliking or avoiding being ignored’ or taken as ‘any other person’ but constantly strive to be ‘special’ even if that means having to ‘put up a show’ every time – not realizing that in doing so I conditioned the entirety of ‘who I am’ based on seeking recognition and value ‘from others toward me’ instead of valuing me as myself, as life, as expression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having feared to be ignored as a child where I could see myself putting some ‘extra effort’ in my moves when dancing or simply talking to others so that I could ‘retain’ their attention on me and value me as ‘being special’ for being able to ‘trigger’ positive experiences in others, which became a condition in me of wanting to constantly be ‘performing’ for others and so valuing who I am based on ‘what I do’ and how that is received by others, in order to be approved, accepted, value as ‘superior’ or ‘important’ or ‘more than others.’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to dislike being ignored wherein this pattern can still come up when not getting the response, the feedback, the appreciation that I seek from others wherein my entire value has been very much defined according to how others ‘interact with what I do/create/say/am’ within the starting point of ‘being for others’ instead of entirely being the origin and end of and for myself, because in this I understand that if I am the best for myself as an individual, invariably I also am the best for others, but this means not making ‘others’ as the reason or starting point for me to be and do, but place myself first and foremost as my origin, starting point and motivation for and as myself in everything I am and do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to condition my expression through energy, in creating a positive high within myself that I would then try to also trigger or achieve creating in others and then equating others’ response as a proof that ‘my work’ would be successful, that I would be fulfilling a sort of purpose in life where I haven’t really been the origin and starting point of myself, as my expression, but instead have constantly sought an ‘energy kick’ with it, as a positive experience, a self-definition a ‘who I am’ as my expressions, my art, my moves, my body’s look, my intellect and all the things that I came to define myself by in order to make myself ‘special’ at the eyes of others, all of it fueled by the fear of not being noticed, being a wallflower, being rejected, being ignored which has given me a ‘bad or negative experience’ within me that I sought to avoid every single time by ‘pushing more’ to be outstanding, special, unique at my eyes and the eyes of others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself based on ‘what I do’ instead of who I am in what I do, which means if who I am is genuinely me living as principles in oneness and equality, this in no way means I am being so ‘for others’ but I am the starting point of it all as myself, for myself, which at the same time becomes a by default example for others to consider doing for themselves, trusting ourselves in who we are and what we do and for once and for all take ‘others’ eyes’ off of our minds whenever we are doing, living, expressing and learn what it is to stand on our ground as unconditional self-expression, without expectations.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to having conditioned myself to motivate me to move, express and create based on how much I would get ‘from others’ as attention, appreciation, value of superiority, a sense of specialness, a sense of ‘giving to others a good time’ when in fact I can still express and live and do for myself and share myself with others without an expectation, without seeking approval, without having to ‘out-do’ anything or anyone or ‘excelling’ at something for the sake of a point of self-image, but instead entirely do it as my self-expression.

I forgive myself that I have conditioned myself to be a ‘performer’ of sorts where I molded my expression to constantly create a ‘good impression’ on others in order to be liked, accepted, valued, considered special which was all motivated by fear of being ignored, being ‘the odd one’, not being ‘as good as’ and for example this stands in relation to my sisters and how as a young child I saw them as ‘the ever present shadows’ that I had to overcome, which led me to also become ‘the rebel’ in the family and part ways in many ideas, ways of presenting ourselves and actions in order for me to keep having my own ‘niche’ as my own ‘unique expression’ that would ‘stand out’ still as a self-definition of uniqueness, specialness, importance of sorts – instead of realizing that I simply became the polar opposite in order to not have to be ‘competing’ with them in their own ways, but ‘create my own standards’ in which I could ‘rule’ and not have anyone ‘near me’ that I could be compared to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I constantly have to ‘present’ myself in a particular way towards others in order to create good impressions and in this it’s not like I don’t have to ‘care at all’ either, but it is a matter of shifting the starting point of what I do and who I am, from doing it ‘for others’ or ‘at others’ to doing it as myself, as an expression of who I am, regardless of how it is perceived by others – of course doing so as an expression of common sense, meaning without ‘antagonisms’ or ‘excesses’ that would still be an expression of ego.

In this, If I am standing for what’s best for all and oneness and equality, the moment that I live this as myself, for myself, I am at the same time living a potential that we all have as ourselves as life and that is far more empowering because then we are not dependent on others ‘to be’ or ‘express’ but we just are, live and do, be the best versions of ourselves as a personal decision and principle.

This then can be a solution for many ways and forms of separation that we’ve created when we see ourselves through the eyes of others, when we believe that we can be ‘superior or inferior’ to others, where we believe that some people are ‘special’ and some are not, when all that in fact defines us is who we are as ourselves, for ourselves, what we do or don’t do in every moment in our thoughts, words and deeds as our expression, which yes inevitably ends up being part of everyone else’s life at the same time.

Therefore if we are the best that we can for ourselves as individuals, then one by one we will stand in that genuine individuality that can exist and flourish in equality at the same time, no more playing games of competition, rivalry, values based on appearance, personalities and the rest of the ‘system values of performance’ but instead, we will be creating the kind of human beings that live and express as life, as who everyone is and can be if we all live this process of self-awareness and self-creation in equality and oneness.

The word to live here is Independence and Self Trust in expression, it’s about standing as my expression as my decision, for myself, uncompromised yet common sensical, supportive, to nurture myself, to expand myself beyond values, positive or negative experiences or triggering experiences in others. This is beyond definition, yet in consideration of what’s best for myself and so all in equality.

 

Thanks for reading

 

 

Join in the Process of Life


423. Proof that I’ve been Mind Controlled

 

Following through a bit with this ‘happiness’ redefinition, I would not have been able to be comfortable in opening up this word to redefine if I hadn’t looked at a key aspect that I’ve been noticing for quite some time in walking this process of removing/stopping past self-definitions.

This became clearer when I shared in a podcast I called Doing Good = Uncool? about how currently there is a tendency to deem everything that is rebellious and antagonistic as ‘cool’ and everything that is supportive, disciplined and orderly as ‘uncool’ – and the way I found out that this mostly was a personal perception is when I attempted to find pictures on Google images that would depict this type of construct or judgments upon what I had seen as ‘cool’ and ‘uncool,’ there were no pictures for me to depict that! So that made it obvious that I had to rather look at it from a very personal manner instead and ended up creating my own ‘picture’ to depict the kind of perception I had held within me.

 

Cool vs uncool

 

My previous attempt in life was to become what I defined and believed to be a ‘cool’ person, so just because I had gotten so much bashing/criticism from my peers while growing up for always being ‘the straight A’ person in school and so being defined as nerdy for that and ‘tight’ or ‘uncool,’ I focused on finding ways to shake those definitions off by being very specific in the type of ‘person/personality’ I would become. This is how I decided to pick and integrate aspects that I could deem were going ‘against the grain,’ so to speak, against the expectations that I perceived everyone had around me. This influenced everything of me, the way I would dress/look, act, speak, the topics I would bring up, the kind of books I read, the kind of music I’d listen to, the way I would relate to people, to my family etc.  And TV was a great source of ‘inspiration’/dormant brainwashing for that, as I have shared here previously that I mostly grew up watching MTV and so there I shaped all my preferences toward everything and everyone that seemed to ‘challenge’ the status quo, to go against the flow and step out of the ‘schemes’ in one way or another, or be intimidating toward others, as a way to ‘challenge the establishment’ or being in a constant ‘defense mode,’ which is a ‘trendy’ way to actually hide the fear that instigates these ‘hardass’ personalities.

Little did I know that this was part of a greater scheme of social engineering to have kids grow up aspiring to be ‘rockstars’ or ‘artists’ and had nothing to do or no sense of responsibility to this world, but instead define all things ‘rebellious’ and ‘antagonistic to the system’ as being super cool.

So, this is how I then became what I could define as a disciplined rebel, because it’s not like I started slacking at school, I actually proved that I could still ‘pull out a straight A’ without even studying at times, just by being very attentive in class and so using my ‘wits’ to challenge professors and classmates alike – lol, I was really in for being like a typical dissident in many ways and deem that as cool, even if for others it wasn’t, to ‘me’ that was the definition of ‘being an outcast’ and enjoying myself within that because of seeing myself as ‘special,’ as having ‘no trend’ without realizing it was a trend and it was becoming more and more common in order to get people reacting, being angry and antagonistic against everything and everyone, just to remain in perpetual conflict and never looking at solutions.

Of course nowadays doing this type of ‘dissidence’ has become like the norm and it’s no longer as ‘shocking’ as it was some 10 years ago, which is how I’ve seen a fascinating shift in the perception of ‘values’ and the role that the media/TV has had on twisting people’s ideas of ‘what they want to do with their lives’ and what they find as ‘cool’ or ‘uncool’ by imposing a ‘new’ morality that claims openness, sexual liberation and ‘independence’ but it’s all just a false idea of empowerment through antagonism – been there, done that, doesn’t work!

So this is why I then saw that everything I deemed as ‘uncool’ was in fact that which was in fact supportive: to be self-responsible, to be disciplined, to be non-antagonistic, to have a ‘clean’ presentation of oneself, to not be destructive, to not bash or blame others, etc. This included a very key aspect that had prevented me from realizing I could live the word ‘happiness’ in fact, because I had associated happiness with people being fully blind and not seeing reality, I deemed it as a dirty word that could only be used to define an ever elusive utopia that we were too far away from or impossible of ever creating even. I deemed that anyone that could call themselves ‘happy’ were absolutely disingenuous and blinded from reality. So it is in this judgment that I then prevented me from even considering looking at this word ‘happiness’ for myself, meaning investigating ‘who I was’ toward this world, how I could live it in a self-honest manner; I was in a way still holding on to the ‘image’ or ‘idea’ of myself as still ‘challenging the system’ and being cool in that, but in no way wanting to get to what I had defined as ‘being a positive thinker’ of sorts by talking about things like ‘being happy,’ or creating a ‘happy future for everyone’ lol.

 

 

 

All of these are just judgments and perceptions wherein I was in fact denying to myself being able to expand my living into seeing the word happiness and not link it to some nerdy-good-doer type of personality as my own mind construct, as my own past definitions that came through ‘judgments’ that I refused to be or become at others’ eyes. In fact now that I can speak about it and define me in the process of creating happiness within myself and my world, I no longer see something pulling out inside me as a ‘NOOO what the hell are you talking about!!?’ type of reluctant backchat that would come within me whenever anyone talked about ‘being happy’ or aiming at being happy in this world. A part of me really, really rejoiced experiencing and living in misery, gloom and doom which is a whole construct that I’ve been debunking throughout the years in this process, and along with that discovering what I was preventing me from acknowledging as part of my living potential, just because I had defined it as ‘uncool’ lol, and going ‘against my personality.’

What are personalities really but locks and cells wherein we believe we would ‘get out of character’ if we challenge such self-definitions and preferences and dare to think outside of our box – it’s really all a mind job wherein we hold on to ‘past definitions’ of who we are and in that we lock ourselves in one way or another from being able to fully embrace our living potential, which is not at all about being a ‘good person’ now instead of an ‘evil one,’ not at all –  it’s about recognizing words for the expression they are and can be when lived in self-honesty, and no longer about words that hold relationships to pictures, ideas, personalities or preferences as they exist in the world system.

 

In this, I realize that if we are to genuinely become the living word, we have to expunge ourselves from any limitation, any self-delimitation/definition that keeps us locked into a phoney idea of ‘who we are,’ which becomes a constricted character that is still defined by attitudes, behaviors, preferences, personality traits and so forth which are all part of the egos we believe we are. So it’s always a matter of asking oneself: what do I accept and allow to define me and my every moment in this world? What am I still holding on to with preventing me from living this word – such as ‘happiness’- as myself? Why had I defined this word as uncool and a pure sham? What am I missing out when dismissing living a world that is actually able to be lived and constructed in a self-honest manner?

Seems that self-sabotage is the only answer as to why we prevent us from digging out the corpses that prevent us from give ourselves a real blank-slate to create our lives, free from the past, I mean why would I want to hold on to an idea of ‘who I should be’? To be liked by ‘certain kinds of people’ only? Because I wanted to get along and ‘attract’ similar people – but would I then be even ‘attracting’ real and genuine people or only other similar characters that focus on getting along with similar characters in their lives to remain locked in the same characters forevermore?

Time to break the shell of one’s personality in all ways and challenge it further, and to me having to be speaking of solutions, focusing on looking at practical reality outcomes and how I can be a living example of doing this would have been like an ‘uncool’ thing to do in the past, because I was following the bashing/ rebelling trend, lol, not considering that I was really on my way to be a self-defined pariah that wanted to be special and ‘cool’ through abdicating all responsibility to myself and my world, because ‘oh it was ‘so cool’ to only bash the world and do nothing about it.’ ´

My suggestion is to watch out for this kind of thinking construct, even more so when this kind of ‘attitude’ is shaping lots of youngsters mindsets with ‘life mottos’ such as Y.O.L.O You Only Live Once and ‘living life on the fast lane,’ being the most ‘rebel’ and ‘darky’ and ‘antagonistic’ to precisely avoid youngsters genuine awareness of how they can contribute to creating life, a better future for all – and instead remain in an abysmal and gloomy outlook on life, because in that way you get discouraged from ‘doing something about it’ and so, it’s most profitable to seek ‘happiness’ or fulfillment through trends, drugs, partying and sex than doing anything genuinely supportive in one’s life.

And so, this is then a general self-awareness point wherein this ‘live fast, die young , don’t give a fuck about anything or anyone, do drugs, have sex with as many as you can and enjoy the rock and roll’ type of mentality is seen as ‘the ultimate cool’: It is not, and that’s why there’s such a vast amount of disarray and mental/physical problems in young adults that follow this ‘trends’ that actually start from TV, from so called ‘alternative books’ as well as it happened in my case.

 

Here’s an invitation to look at yourself, where is it that you are still a product of social-engineering brainwashing through the media and ‘culture’ in terms of personalities, likes-dislikes, preferences, the ‘type of people’ you’ve perceived yourself to be and all the points that go ‘against your character’ that you have refrained yourself from openly investigating. I would not have been able to get to this conclusion if I hadn’t walked the process of deconstructing ‘me’ as a personality and so link the dots to see why I had a slight reaction to even talk about ‘happiness’ before.

 

Life is not about becoming a character that seeks to be the ultimate cool and ‘rebellious,’ that’s the illusion of freedom SOLD as an EXPERIENCE.

Genuine and real freedom from mind control is to take responsibility for oneself, to actually not allow oneself to be brainwashed into ‘trends’ or following what the masses think is ‘cool’ which at the moment is ‘the masses think being a rebel is cool’ which is then of course not at all an actual ‘threat’ any longer, lol, it never has been! Think of the punk movement as being part of social engineering in Britain to exacerbate youngster’s addictions and dissociation from taking responsibility in their society, because drug addicts and an impaired society is more easy to control than healthy, self-aware and ‘unbrainwashable’ individuals, which is what we have to now focus on being and becoming – mind control is only possible if we accept it and allow it.

So, are you mind controlled?

 

Unhooking Past Definitions

 

Cool blog to read on re-approaching Happiness:

Why I First Resisted The Relationship of Happiness to Money – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 653

 

Oldie:

2012 Destonians Take Over the World: The New Culture of LIFE

 

Read people recognizing their self creation abilities – including the redefinition of happiness – in the 7 Year Journey to Life blogs

The Free Desteni I Process Lite course is a first platform of self-support to learn more about ourselves, our mind and understand how we can practically improve our potentials and skills.


421. Art is in the Eye of the Beholder

 

I took this great blog title from Leila Zamora Moreno who gave it as a name for her son’s Cesar first masterpiece which I am going to share here because it’s his first year alive on Earth today!

We got a Pollock coming, people!

Cesar's Masterpiece 1 Year

 

So, I watched a documentary on Marina Abramovic’s work called Marina Abramović: The Artist is Present and noticed how through watching it, I was constantly seeking for some kind of ‘meaningful’ thing to come through, something that could match my idea of ‘art.’ Through writing the self forgiveness I’m about to share, I realize that I had become this constant judge toward anything I’ve defined as ‘art’ and within doing so measuring/gauging it and see if it does match my idea of art as something that can ‘change the world’ and if not, usually I would follow through to judge it as pointless, useless, a waste of time, etc. In fact I had written out a blog about the documentary, but obviously noticed it was filled with righteous comments so as to impose ‘my perspective’ which then of course was a cool thing to do or else I would have remained within the idea/belief that ‘I was right in my assessment’ lol.

I also reacted when seeing people organizing performances and/or artistic creations around an ongoing situation here in Mexico about students having been disappeared/most likely killed due to a political point of convenience for a governor in one state here and then judging this as ‘pointless’ and ‘meaningless’ and then rehashing the judgment of ‘how come I can despise this ‘art world’ so much now and I once was so eager to be a part of it, where was I?’ – so here I go straight to Self Forgiveness.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to say to myself, how was I ever involved in this art/cultural realm and come to despise it so much at the same time? Which is only showing the usual love-hate relationship wherein of course any ‘negative’ experience is in fact denoting I still hold a relationship toward art, and as such, it’s all about ME in fact and not at all about art/artists or the art world at all – this is then the point of self-responsibility to expand upon here.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience remorse and embarrassment for having ever aimed at achieving an artistic career as I followed my desire to experience something ‘special’ through art and aim at ‘changing the world’ with it, which simply means that I was entirely driven by my own emotional and feeling experience and that this clouded my ability to see reality for what it is and genuinely question whether a ‘work of art’ has in fact ever changed people’s lives to the extent that I thought it would.

In this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge art as something frivolous or useless, wherein by defining it in such way I am then creating a negative relationship to it, but still a relationship nonetheless, so this is about me taking responsibility to ensure I no longer impose any ideas, beliefs, perceptions and reactions toward ‘art’ itself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create yet again an experience of disdain toward people that are using art as a way to demonstrate the corruption and deaths of people here in Mexico, wherein now artists are gathering to create portraits of students that have been – most likely – sent to be killed by a high authority in one of the states here in Mexico, and so reacting with the experience of ‘this is utter bullshit’ and so having the desire to just curse at the people that believe that in any way doing a portrait or performance of and for the people that have disappeared will change their family’s grief or would in any way ‘solve the problem.’

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that this ‘disdain’ is simply a tantrum like experience that comes after one had created certain ideals and expectations upon something, which is why one has such a ‘stance’ toward – in this case – art, instead of realizing that ‘art’ in itself in this case is not aiming at creating a tangible, physical solution, but simply a remembrance that some people might find supportive and that’s up to each person and how they react/interact with such artistic expressions – therefore

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become hypercritical to anything that has to do with art and aiming at bashing it constantly or whenever I can, which only demonstrates my own judgments and ‘false expectations’ created and imposed toward art, wherein I was trying to make of art an actual ‘tool to change the world’ but I realize that ‘art’ in itself as a manifestation and expression cannot do that at all – self change is and will always be here as ourselves, it is about who we are in our mind and in our actions, which in turn will define our creations as well.

 

I realize that in this, of course I’m missing out the actual self-forgiveness that extends beyond ‘myself’ only but as a human being that has lived in a world where pictures, emotions, experiences are the actual ‘drivers’ and/or ‘fuel’ of our reality, wherein the society of spectacle also involves creating this kind of ‘motives’ and ‘remembrances’ using art as a way to ‘heal the wounds’ or else, without realizing that in essence, art only works at a mind level and as such, it creates no solution to real-reality problems and in this

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge art for not being what I expected it to be, instead of realizing that it’s only me that tried to make it’ more’ than what it in fact is – in this

 I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to constantly try and fit ‘art’ into the category of a human creation that will in some way ‘change the world’ or ‘change people’s consciousness’ wherein in my desire to ‘fit’ art into this ideal, I’ve actually created such an unnecessary conflict within me, because I see that it is just impossible to do so, because nothing, no object, no image can ‘change you’ but only oneself in actually understanding why changing is necessary and how one can practically do it – in this:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get so infatuated with the idea of ‘change’ being able to exist within art, which you know in terms of the large scope of what art is, this idea of ‘change’ is already a limitation, a definition that is coming strictly from who I am and what I am walking in my life, which is very much aligned with ‘changing myself ‘ – thus, I have to stop trying to fit the world, fit people’s idea of art into my own.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be gullible and somewhat stubborn in trying to fit ‘my idea’ of art into everyone else’s artistic creation, which then of course leads me to only criticize, judge it, see it as ‘not good enough’ or ‘pointless’ or plain ‘bullshit’ without realizing that I’m judging it from my own point of view that aimed to make of art ‘something life changing and revolutionary.’ Therefore, I realize that I have to STOP trying to impose my own ideas of what art was supposed to be as a catalyst or a way to change people’s minds/lives and instead of trying to measure ‘all art’ against my own idea/belief and perception of what ‘art should be, I have to rather use all judgments as a way to continue checking what exists within me as an expectative or assumption around art, as this is then how I can use art or anything else as a mirror to continue seeing where I am creating experiences and separation from what is here.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to play out the love and hate relationship toward art, which only signifies one thing: there are still remnants of self-definition within me according to ‘being an artist’ or wanting to stick to that profession as ‘what I studied’ or ‘who I was,’ because in a way I still wanted to try and ‘save the profession’ as ‘my choice’ and having done so in absolute clarity and conviction within myself; and so this was my attempt of trying to justify my decision thinking that I wasn’t so ‘out there’ or detached from reality when I chose to study this – but, at the moment I can see that I was in fact not really ‘grounded’ on Earth 10 years ago when I made such decision and that somehow I am still beating myself for it, which is not necessary – therefore

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for having chosen what I now judge as some self-conceited and self-importance and absolutely self-indulgent profession as ‘art’ which in this is in fact only judging and ‘dissing’ that which didn’t ‘turn out to be what I expected’ and so, I realize that I have gone back and forth within this experience in the past of the ‘love and hate relationship toward art,’ but the problem is that I still tried to ‘suit my idea’ of what art should be in everything that I continue to see/watch and consume as ‘art,’ instead of realizing that I have to absolutely let go of the idea that I once held about art, let go unconditionally of my past choices in life, of my past ‘mindset’ and as such, stop any judgments around this point within me.

I commit myself to see art for what it is: a series of visual or experiential-based objects or images or actions wherein one is challenged to see reality with another pair of eyes and get to see reality from each person’s mindframe and perspective – thus to take it ‘for what it is’ as an individual or collective expression, instead of continually trying to see ‘where or how is this in any way changing the world?’ which is My idea of what art should be and the reason why this conflict still would emerge within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge ‘the past me’ as vain and superfluous for having chosen such a career and now in one way or another wanting to throw shit at it, which is not really acceptable at all, because art as any other action and creation that we do in this world, is part of what we also have to take responsibility for. Thus my way to contribute to it, is not to ‘bash’ something because it did not ‘fulfill’ my expectations upon it, but rather take the words that I had once associated with art / being an artist and live them myself in the way that I see is supportive and best for all.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to having said this morning ‘where the hell was I when I decided to study art?’ and say so with a sense of regret and disdain toward me and so toward everything and everyone involved in such practice, instead of realizing that if I did this same kind of reproachment for everything else that I see we have done ‘wrong’ in our lives, I would live in constant reproachment which is obviously not necessary at all as in that, we only trap ourselves in guilt and remorse, instead of focusing on what is required to be changed HERE.  

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that what’s hiding behind this is me not wanting to admit that it was my own starting point toward art that defined my now judgment toward ‘art’ which is not about ‘art’ but about me and how I was in fact living and acting in a self-absorbed manner and was seeking for the kind of things like fame, fortune, all the money and the ‘good life’ as well as bashing the system while earning good money, lol – so I realize that I have to simply admit to myself the kind of decisions that I made in the past, the reasons behind it and that there is no way that I can ‘turn back time and change my decisions and career choice’ because I do realize that the decisions I made in my past were absolutely ‘congruent’ to my mind-frame, my interests, my aspirations in the past and within this, I have to absolutely let go of me trying to ‘make sense’ of my initial ambitions and desires in life so as to justify them, and try and see them with a ‘good light’ so to speak, which is not really necessary to now super impose some ‘goodness’ to it, because that would simply imply that I am still judging my past life and decisions as something ‘bad’ or ‘wrong’ or ‘self-interested,’ which is not really necessary once that I realize I have simply moved on from that phase in my life and my interests and aim in life have veered substantially from how I used to think 10 years ago, which I am of course grateful to myself for as well and for all the past moments that led to this realization.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project my dissatisfaction with my past choices upon every other artwork or artist I see and get to know of by judging their work and activity in all possible ways wherein I diminish it to being ‘pointless’ and ‘useless’ and taking this as a ‘fact,’ without realizing that all of these were only self-judgments that I have created around ‘art’ based on my own judgments toward myself and my past.

Therefore I commit myself to stop wanting to impose my idea of what ‘art should be’ upon others’ creations and simply redefine the word for myself to live as the actual creator of my life within the principles that I have established for myself of self-responsibility, self-introspection, self-forgiveness and self-correction as I see that this is what I have realized is the genuine way to do what I always aimed doing through art, which is changing myself and so with that, changing the world – therefore I hereby let go of the desire to ‘change the world’ through art  or attempt to make of art that ‘one point that changes the world’ which is also not ‘the point’ here.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to as a human being desire to do something ‘more than myself’ through objects, experiences, artifacts outside of myself and now judging art for what I believe or assume ‘artists’ are aiming to do, which is another judgment coming from what I used to do with art itself, instead of realizing that art can be used as a bridge for self-investigation, yet it is not ‘the change’ in itself at a massive level that I wished it to be at some point, as I realize that self-change and self-realization cannot in any way be something done through only one action, one object, one image and have an effect ‘en masse’ – there are no magic tricks on this.

 

I commit myself to stop judging art, artists, art collectors, art supporters and everyone that enjoys art and instead see ‘art’ within the realm of any other human activity that we do at the moment which means that everything we are and do is yet to be walked through a process of self-realization and self-correction, which means there cannot be something that is genuinely ‘supportive’ if there is no foundation to understand such support or what would be supportive to ‘change oneself’ or ‘change the world’  – thus I am the one that has to stop seeing art through the eyes of ‘practical change’ and/or ‘practical relevance for self-change’ wherein I then create a righteousness to create ‘negative’ judgments toward it, which is once again falling in the judgmental trap that leads nowhere and in fact then I would support the continuation of separation, reactions, judgments and division in the world.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that because I studied art, I have ‘an authority’ to bash it which is really only playing the same critique conundrum that I have also criticized in the past, instead of seeing art or anything else as just expressions that each one of us will have to take self-responsibility for, for the intent, the purpose and the experience within which it was created – thus, I am no one to judge anyone or anything for what it is, I can only reflect myself upon the world and thus take responsibility for my judgments, my experiences, my expressions ‘toward others’ and always realize it has nothing to do with art per se, with artists or with the artworks themselves, but with myself.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to still have wanted to control ‘my vision’ about art and so be able to ‘measure all other art’ according to what I had defined as ‘art,’ not realizing that this definition of ‘art’ is not even certain for people in art creation themselves. So, this is once again a point to show how when trying to ‘fit in’ one’s definition upon something/someone, because  each definition is created in one’s mind, it will always be a source of conflict to try and define something that in its nature is not meant to even be ‘defined’ as such, thus I see that my point of control was coming also from self-interest and still wanting to somehow remain with the dignity of having studied something ‘meaningful’ or ‘more than’ any other career, which would then lead me to play a value game that is once again of the mind and of consciousness definitions.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to still go and see art in the hope that I will find something that is ‘life changing’ which is why every time I obviously come out without ‘anything’ or ‘nothing learned’ because I am seeing it all through the eyes of ‘come on, art exhibit, change me, change my life!’ which is impossible of course, it would be like thinking that praying to the image of a god or a saint will change your life, which is simply a delusion.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for having ever been fascinated with creations because I have now judged this as ‘vain’ instead of realizing that just as anything that we create in this world, we can appreciate it for what it is in its physicality and no longer having the ‘artistic value-frame’ with which I was trying to measure it against, as this is once again trying to control and impose my own perspectives and experiences toward ‘art’ itself upon others’ creations. It would be like trying to define which human being is more ‘beautiful’ than another or which tree is ‘more expressive’ than another – it is really pointless and a waste of breaths to be dwelling upon this kind of questions, because ultimately if there’s something in art is that precisely this whole ‘valuation’ scheme is meant to be broken or questioned at least.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have judged this point as ‘petty’ or ‘non important’ or there being more ‘relevant things to blog about’ but, I realize that due to the actual judgmental view that emerged within me while watching Marina Abramović’s documentary and when getting to know of artists gathering to create something around people that have disappeared through political reasons, it was then a point to of course review and open up within myself so that I can align this one point within me and my day to day living and so stop the judgmental me toward art or artists as a constant source of conflict.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have some ‘right’ to judge something because of having ‘studied’ it, which is essentially a belief learned from how our system operates with licenses and such, without realizing that a judgment will always be a judgment specifically when it’s made in an attempt to debase or ‘debunk’ something as to ‘make it less’ in a way, wherein then my judgment becomes in my mind something ‘superior’ to point out.

 

In this the application is actually to ensure that I can investigate all things and keep what’s best, instead of investigating all things, judge and criticize with an attempt to ‘debase’ something and then place my judgment as ‘superior’ which is obviously a destructive and consequential way of looking at things.

I realize that I can use anything and anyone in my world as a mirror, and in this, whichever I may think, believe and perceive relates to ‘another’ is in fact about myself, because I can only think/judge something about someone  if I have judged myself in the same way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I was in fact desiring to ‘take a position’ or ‘take a side’ in relation to art because of the self-definition I have created within and towards ‘art’ which is how one then creates a sense of ‘righteousness’ as in having ‘one stance’ in relation to it, which is all knowledge and information based, it is not at all considering what is common sensical or looking at what’s supportive within something – but instead, immediately putting on the ‘judgmental glasses’ and ‘finding fault’ eyes going into ‘attack’ mode to point out all the ‘flaws’ but all of these flaws are pointed out within the starting point of me already seeking to ‘debunk’ another, which is quite the usual nasty game that we play when we want to impose our own mind/righteousness, what we believe is ‘right’ above others.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to question the ‘impulse’ that I sometimes have in relation to wanting to talk about something/someone in an attempt to ‘debunk’ them while still holding a judgment with experience in it as to ‘prove it wrong’ – instead of realizing that I can talk about something/someone without having to resort to taking an antagonist stance toward it, but simply be able to reference it, to look at it in common sense and then  focus on reflecting any judgment back to myself, that’s the only way one can really develop self-honesty, and stop only criticizing things for the sake of feeling ‘righteous’ about something or someone and so justify my experience toward something or someone, in this case, my ‘experience’ toward art which shouldn’t exist at all as an experience.

In this it is to realize that any experience that I have toward something/someone, it indicates I have created a relationship to it, and so it becomes a point for me to take self-responsibility for which means: it’s never about ‘art’ itself, it’s about how I see it, who I am toward it and this is then a much more supportive starting point to look at art and visit art galleries, to see ‘what comes up within me,’ instead of visiting and looking at art from the starting point of ‘proving it wrong’ or wanting it to ‘match my ideal’ of art, which is why all this back and forth friction toward it emerged: it’s all an inside job.

 

I realize that ourselves as human beings tend to seek for answers or ‘find ourselves’ ‘out there’ instead of realizing that everything we require is already here, as ourselves. So in this, I commit myself to stop judging anything that we do/use in order to get to this point of self-realization, wherein I see that art can be used as a tool of self-reflection as with anything else in the world and what we create and do within it. This is where I then have to realize that my process and realizations cannot be the same as others’ and so, I have no authority to judge others’ processes, ideas, beliefs and perceptions – this process is about self-responsibility so here I then commit myself to always see art as a cool point of self-reflection wherein I stop all judgments ‘toward’ art or artists themselves, but rather see ‘who am I’ toward it and use that for my own process of self-honesty.

 

I commit myself to integrate the realization that everything that I judge or criticize in a judgmental manner is and only has to do with myself and the relationships I have created toward something/someone in my past, and so I can only look at things/people objectively where I can first identify if there is any reaction, take it back to self wherein I see the origin of such judgment toward it, do a self-reflective analysis on it in order to support me in common sense to immediately realize: I am imposing my past definitions upon this moment here –  and so I then focus on seeing, watching, reading and participating in anything related to art for what it is – no hidden agendas allowed within me.

 

For a review on the documentary:

 

What life can be

 

 

Read people recognizing their self creation abilities in the 7 Year Journey to Life blogs

The Free Desteni I Process Lite course is a first platform of self-support to learn more about ourselves, our mind and understand how we can practically improve our potentials and skills.


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