Or how to stop putting up a fight against the world and instead challenge oneself to grow in living terms
Something I tend to do quite often is watch interviews with people mostly in the field of music and arts in general, and yesterday while I was watching one about a movement in music that I had tried to ‘understand’ many times in the past in terms of placing into context its expression, without having done proper research on its background and ‘reason to be.’ And this is something I bring up again – because I am sure I have written about it before – in relation to what was coined as ‘black metal’ and in particular two individuals that were pillars to that ‘scene’ which might be too radical in many terms and I frankly don’t particularly like the music nor agree with everything they say, but I do appreciate in a way how at the time such movement and expression was a way to provoke, to ‘make noise’ literally, shouting and screaming in an attempt to wake people up or attempt to say ‘there is something really wrong going on in our lives’ and turning that into a particular sound, lyrics, and music that became a formula to replicate by many, and it was also a ‘movement’ that wasn’t paid by the same ‘system’ to create rascals or ‘punks’ – misfits and outsiders of the system’. Instead it was born in one of the countries with the ‘highest standards of living’ which is actually also socialist in nature – having several ‘holes’ when it comes to restricting people’s choices and decisions, leading to this ‘perfected’ living experience where in a way, self-responsibility is also left at the hands of ‘the system’ which these artists were intending to explain was something to very much question about such ‘controlled prosperity’ – which is a whole topic in itself that I won’t go to here today.
But, that’s the context of why this ‘outrageous expression’ came up in a form of musical tantrum so to speak lol and how I have been ‘drawn’ to controversial and ‘eccentric’ people because of having the guts to stand in temporary positions to question, challenge, dramatize or expose the reality that may become very ‘normal’ in our eyes and in that, yes arts and other expressions become a way to reflect back to ourselves what are we in fact taking for granted or no longer questioning or realizing about ourselves.
What I noticed is that I have tended to gravitate towards such personalities that seem to be rather provocative in nature and yesterday as I was reviewing one of those interviews again after a couple of years, I saw how the word ‘provocation’ came up and I could relate it to myself, which is an aspect that I’ve had within me my entire life and I mean, this has been there since I was a little child which started as a form of attention seeking through doing some ‘out of the norm’ things and later on it became a way to ‘stand out from the crowds’ and consider myself as ‘special’ while being a teenager; and later on standing as a point of provocation in a more intellectual manner in my early adulthood and throughout starting this process with Desteni as well, where I started ‘speaking up to’ whatever I could find I had a thing or two to criticize about, to spew some ‘facts’ about while at the same time attempting to direct it towards a solution, which might or might not have been the best way to approach it but, as everyone else, this was part of my ‘awakening’ process so to speak and early on reactions to what I was realizing about myself and the world we live have co-created.
Now my usual current reaction to that aspect of myself was of embarrassment because of having judged myself for how antagonistic, critical and sometimes plane arrogant I was when addressing a particular subject and without intending to necessarily ‘blame’ others, the attitude and approach was still coming through within starting point of judgment, of denial of ‘that’ which I was speaking of as a part of myself as well. In essence humbleness was lacking and my role at the time became that of ‘pushing buttons’ to see who I could provoke and get to ‘think and question more,’ which I now understand is simply a part or phase of my life/process wherein I used this ‘tool’ of provocation to stir reactions and within that, attempt to direct towards solutions, but definitely focused so much more in explaining the problem that little was left to actually share how to get to the solution, at an individual level.
That’s how upon hearing again about this initial attempt of people currently labeled as ‘black metal’ that intrigued me for quite some years, I realized that it was also their attempt as teenagers to say something, to ‘wake people up’ with certain lyrics and sounds, but there was no actual discourse being given in a clear manner where people could in fact ‘get’ what it was all about. And it is only through the words of the people involved in that movement now that they’ve grown older that one can understand better what the whole drama was about back in the early nineties.
I could see myself reflected in these individuals’ points of view and ways of ‘speaking their mind’ because I was also very keen on doing that and perceiving that I wasn’t affecting anyone by doing it, until I got to understand a ‘little’ key aspect related to our oneness and equality, who we are as being in fact life and ‘made of the same’ which renders every form of judgment in an attempt to ‘separate’ oneself from that which we judge utterly futile, considering that we can only really ever speak about ourselves no matter how much there is an attempt to ‘expose’ or ‘blame’ or ‘criticize’ others, it’s always us doing it to ourselves anyways.
And that’s a life-changing realization that led me to currently understand how this provocation that I was attempting to do was a phase, a part of my life – very much like these teenagers that put on make up on their faces and dressed in black clothes in an attempt to disturb and provoke or stand out from the crowds, while forgetting to send a clear message as to ‘what’ they were really wanting o create a statement about – which tends to happen in our lives where I’ve seen in my case how many times I was ‘angry’ at the world and I didn’t even know or investigate within me what ‘exactly’ about it was bothering me. I was apparently just ‘fed up’ about everything, not ever realizing I was fed up and angry at myself because of knowing that there was something to change within me, something to ‘break free from’ and realign to a better version of myself, but I had no way to do it, didn’t even know where to start either, so that’s how many can end up stuck in emotional tantrums ‘against the world’.
That’s how upon getting to Desteni I was able to finally come to understand more about this ‘constant experience’ that I had projected onto the world out there, which was in fact knowing that there could be so much more to life, to my life, to myself than being this angry and despondent individual that would end up bitterly wallowing into depression – yep that was one of the possible outcomes if I had not made the decision to walk this self-awareness and self-change process.
I have to even say that I wasn’t even aware that I was ‘angry’ at all, because it had become me and the very way I look at reality itself, we don’t even realize how anger is also about ourselves knowing that we can in fact do better, become a better individual yet we keep doing the exact same opposite of changing for the better day by day. Instead the seemingly ‘easy’ way out is to do the opposite to that, and it only backfires for the most part, layering up all of the emotional experiences and irresponsibility every moment we don’t stand up from it. So I’ve been walking this process to see what was I in fact uncomfortable and angry about in relation to me, my life, what I was initially not readily willing to admit I had done onto myself and onto life as this world – not only individually but collectively as humanity.
If I had only stayed in that stage or phase of becoming ‘too aware’ of how things work, getting to understand the intricacies of this massive ‘system’ and remained within the idea that ‘I am not part of it, it’s a bunch of other people that created it,’ I would have ended up being mostly a bitter person that would be constantly angry about anything going wrong in this world and possibly would have escalated into a chronic depression and meaningless life… sad but true if I had not been able to become aware of who I really am as this whole creation, where there’s really no separation between ‘you’ and ‘me,’ and that’s the most humbling realization and process of assimilation that led me to ‘take off my shield’ and start peeling off the hard veneer I had grown as forms of intellect, arrogance, righteousness and yes ultimately provocation ‘against others,’ towards developing a much more understanding and eventually humble and gentle approach to who I am as an individual – and so towards others, which yes I’m still very much practicing – that are an equal and one (part) of this whole self that is ourselves.
I remember while going through art school seeing many works and expressions that were intended to do just that, ‘provoke’ yet my constant conclusion on all of it was that I would appreciate a more direct meaning and explanation to what they were in fact trying to do, but most of the times the reality is that we – because I’ve been there myself – were no different to the black metal people that were trying to cause a stir and disturb in one way or another to potentially ignite a ‘wakeup call’ about what we see is something that is utterly ‘out of place’ or ‘plain wrong’ about our reality, but little do we also investigate within ourselves to see who we are as part of that which we are becoming aware of is not supportive, plain ‘backwards’ or simply outrageous to see it as part of our reality – meaning taking the time to investigate its creation and existence within ourselves first, understanding it and not ‘reacting’ to it but rather coming up with a solution one can live to ‘fix’ that part of self instead..
And that’s what I am grateful I have been able to do and continue doing for myself, to ‘decode’ many times what I wanted to express in a more ‘silent’ manner through certain attitudes ‘against the world’ that I believed could lead me to someone at any point asking me ‘what is it that I was seeing as ‘utterly wrong’ in my reality?’ which never happened by the way, no matter how much pain, sorrow, depression, anger or frustration one can experience about ‘our world, our creation’ it usually leads nowhere but only into a form of personal decay if we don’t stand up from it and instead learn to Act about it.
That’s what one of the guys from this movement has been able to do in his own particular way and set of principles, which is cool that people can give a generally ‘constructive outcome’ to what initially emerged as rage, anger, frustration and plain intellectual antagonism against a society or ‘world system’ or ‘life’ in general. It’s always cool to see artists that can give steps further even beyond only the music, beyond the ‘creations’ that we get to know of them and instead also use their art and creations as bridges to get to know about the person, their lives, principles, what they stand for – which I’ve found becomes a richer process which leads to a more clear, direct and less speculative message when getting to hear the words and see the lives of these people – or at least how they show it.
And this is also another point I wanted to remind myself about which I had also found frustrating when trying to communicate only through an image, where I had not linked it to words, and sometimes where I had not even actually gotten to understand myself and what I really wanted to say and express in relation to a point of creation. Whereas now, I am definitely interested in being able to express the process behind any point of expression and how it relates to a personal reflection, because this is precisely how art becomes meaningful if and when we decide to make of our lives something meaningful as well, and this is then not only limited to creating a piece of art in itself, it extends to any point or aspect of self-creation ultimately as the creators that we all are, and that’s how ‘speculation’ can be somewhat prevented when we are direct and upfront on what we stand for, what we express, the principles behind it, the part of ourselves that is invested on creating anything in our lives and with that, being able to stand in the world as a self-created piece of art really, not one that is only following the pre-established lines of our particular contexts and coincidences that led us to ‘be here,’ but where we truly take the wheel of our lives into the direction that we decide to give to ourselves.
Now that’s the kind of people that I also get inspired by, even if I don’t fully ‘agree’ with them and their views, ways of living or thinking – but the sheer act of having that independence, that drive, self-respect and commitment to stay ‘true to themselves’ is something cool about us as human beings, even more so if it is geared to living in a common sensical, supportive, self-responsible and self-aware manner, which is what I want to continue being able to express and share in whichever means and ways I can in and as my life.
So! Where do I stand in relation to provocation today? It is a word that I can redefine, removing the extra energy-buzz that I’d get from ‘provoking’ others through words or looks or actions in an attempt to ‘wake others up’ – which is then mostly using a ‘shock’ factor to attempt to make others ‘do something’ about it without even explaining ‘what’ exactly. Instead I take the word provocation entirely back to myself, where there is no longer that need or attempt to ‘make others react’ or ‘make others think,’ but simply express myself, my life, my creations as a statement in itself, a ‘this is who I am and how I live’ without having ‘others’ in my mind as the starting point to my self-challenge, lol because it is about myself anyways.
This is how I walk through the provocation intended to stimulate others in a reactive manner and instead simply continue provoking myself, which in its root meaning implies ‘challenging’ myself within the context of stepping out of my self-defined limits, out of the ‘religion of self’ and into an expansion, a growth which I’ll also be now doing in terms of letting my hair grow back after 7 years of what I can consider a very relevant phase of deconstruction, understanding, ‘death of self’ and rebirth that I’ve been going through as of late, which is a phase I also want to link this phase of having shaved my head as a statement that I now see of course remains within me beyond looks, where it is now me transitioning into a new phase where I want to deliberately mark the self-creation and self-expansion phase.
Sure enough, being bald was another way of provoking myself, challenging myself for quite a prolonged time I’d say and it worked well considering how many ‘issues’ about self-image would come up every time that anyone would kind of cringe about it, which I’ve also then realized is seldom something that leads to an actual in depth point of understanding as to ‘why’ I did it, which also proves back to myself that yes, I did it for myself and the test is sufficiently done. Now it’s going in the reverse way, challenging myself to grow it back which I had frankly now resisted to do, partly because I’ll lose some benefits like getting better seats in airplanes or free ice lollies… I am sorry about that confusion; it was always just me shaving my hair daily.
I realized I have to reinvent myself, which is no different to re-create or create myself in a different way and continue stepping out of comfort zones, because that’s what leads to expansion, embracing, getting to connect more with others, getting out of ‘fixed ways’ which to me is definitely something I want to continue challenging in various ways.
Ok! Who knew that one single word could open up so many things to me? Yep! Taken back to self, keeping challenging myself instead of ‘putting up a fight’ against the world lol.
Thanks for reading.
Join us in our process of Self-Expression as LIFE
-
Free Online DIP Lite Course
-
School Of Ultimate Living | Facebook
-
EQAFE.Com : SELF Education and SELF Awareness Store
-
7 Year Journey To Life Process : People Sharing their Processes of Self-Forgiveness and Self-Correction
-
Desteni Forum : Discuss and share with us
398. The Act of Killing: Humanity’s Self-Reflection
We are all Anwar
No one really likes to recognize one’s own evil. We live in a mass hypnosis state where we have accepted things like poverty and war as ‘norms’ and ‘the way the world works’ without considering a possibility to change. We often blame a particular establishment, government, tyrant, economics, politics, culture and media for the continuation of the atrocities without a change in this world. What we tend to usually forget is that before any secret societies or secret cabals taking control of how the world works, there is and was only ourselves, human beings as the creators of all of the above and everything that we can possibly complain about as the ‘evils of the world.’
Fascinatingly enough what we have done is make of our evil something separate of ourselves that we tend to fetishize and fictionalize in, for example, Hollywood movies that glorify wars, mafias, creating the notion of super heroes that can suddenly overcome such evil but then even that idea of the good vs. evil and ‘the good side’ being triumphant is no longer something that is credible in this world. We haven’t really pondered what it takes to create this notion of ‘victory’ and how victory is actually defined by those that win, those that (w)right hi-story, their story to then present an act of killing as something that is glorifying, righteously defending ‘The Act of Killing’ as a justified means to ‘win’ a battle.
We would have to also ask ourselves if we have also come to admire villains for their ‘cunning ways’ to get things done their way. But when it comes to understanding Why we actually harm each other, and How we have come to make of such harm and abuse part of who we are in fact and the ways we justify it is, we don’t go far enough; we often only stick to ‘presenting the show’ which is what sells, what the entire Hollywood industry is founded upon – which is what we do within ourselves too: we see others as the problem, the ‘evil ones’ instead of being willing to look deep inside of ourselves and acknowledge the same problem exists within each one of us too.
Stepping aside from the massive Hollywood propaganda for films that instead of informing or supporting people to see ways in which we have to take responsibility and implement solutions in this world, there is also another type of film that makes us all question everything we have made ‘acceptable’ as a form of enter-tamement/ entertainment such as the voyeuristic ability to watch violence, abuse, harm and murder as part of ‘what happens in the movies’ and eventually, even coming to inspire real life murderers and crimes. Which one came first? One would ask. Yes, it is rather obvious by now that we haven’t evolved as species when we still rejoice in watching battles and wars with all the gore and perceive that as entertainment – gladiators at the coliseum 2.0 – which is also at the same time used as a way to create a normalcy in the act of killing, of murdering, torturing, abusing and have an entire political connotation to it which is what consecrates it at the eyes of world history.
The Act of Killing is as surreal as anyone like André Breton probably could have imagined surrealism to be defined by and it is probably the first time that watching a film can feel like a movie, only to remind myself that it is in fact a Documentary: a real life presentation where there are several production processes as attempts to recreate and mystify the massive killings in Indonesia in the 60’s and how nonchalantly the perpetrators of such killings decide to represent what they did as part of what they believe is an honorable duty they were a part of – or should we say were told they were doing as an honorable thing – showing the massive propaganda machine that must exist as a constant reinforcement to convince us to do something, to actually kill and torture and commit the most hideous crimes and believe this is something in the name of national defense, honor, respect – sounds familiar? Only every single time that any form of conflict between human beings or two factions leading to war is justified.
What would happen if we were able to stand as observers of our own mistakes, crimes, abuse toward ourselves and others? The Act of Killing by Joshua Oppenheimer is remarkable in the sense that he has produced a documentary here the film in itself becomes the platform for the perpetrators to direct their own vision, their own accounts of the killings and re-enact – in their own ‘influences and vision’ – their hideous crimes that they choose to not define as such, because to their eyes they did ‘the right thing’ and as such ‘winners get to choose what ‘war crimes’ are, which is also part of the fabricated truths and creeds that we use to keep ourselves always on the ‘winning score,’ even if it means making of the killings of thousands – or even millions – of people an act of honor, a ‘need,’ a ‘right thing to do’ and forgetting completely about who and what they are in fact doing which is killing another living human being, an equal to themselves.
Witnessing the self-revelation that comes to the protagonists of this documentary specifically when taking the role of their victim opens up a possibility to realize what they have really in fact done, what they have put others through and witnessing a genuine moment of having the killers place themselves in the shoes of the ones they tortured and killed: perhaps an opportunity to forgive themselves for what they have done.
I watched the documentary twice and when I was in the movies I had a knot in my throat specially when realizing how disconnected we have been to everything we watch in a film, especially killings, what it means to kill, how killing is justified but what is more astounding is the actual potential for self-evaluation of such acts as something that is certainly unacceptable in contradiction to how these killers were just told to be and do.
Second time that I watched it was one week ago and I ended up tweeting: we are all in fact Anwar because I could see that we rejoice in blaming people and seeing everyone else as ‘the evil ones’ and we haven’t yet recognized we are all in fact the abusers in this world that allow not only the act of killing but any form of evil as the reverse of life to become our self-religion: what is money in this world but the way to deny life to another if so we decide to do so through ‘laws’ and politics, economic plans and further excuses like races, nations, colors to just not see and realize each other as equals? Who we are if not exterminators in this reality when thousands of species are dying every single day for our sheer presence in this world? Do we ever place ourselves in the shoes of the air, the water, the animals, every single part of this world that we constantly abuse, kill and deplete every single day in the name of ‘our progress’ or our ‘victories’?
If anything this documentary allows us to step back and not only get to see first hand the mentality that has to be fabricated to ‘create a killer’ but to also take the point back at self when attempting to blame anyone for this, or see ‘Anwar’ and the rest of the killers as ‘the bad guys.’ I realize that everything that we’ve seen as this abject consequence of our self-abuse is our responsibility and as such I have nothing but gratitude for having the opportunity to watch this film and be able to cry like a baby at the end in Anwar’s vomiting scene, because I’ve also felt disgusted, sad and angry at myself for what we have done to this world and each other and so it was revealing being able to witness another human being going through that.
Even if I haven’t killed a human being in this lifetime, I am equally responsible for every single form of abuse that exists here, as we recognize we are all in fact one and equal – that’s our current Oneness and Equality – and there’s no way to escape this and this is one of the reasons why I am so committed to my process of self-change and self-responsibility, mostly to be able to shout out to the four winds : WE DID IT TO OURSELVES! LET’S STOP BLAMING FOR EARTH’S SAKE and instead FOCUS ON CHANGING OURSELVES to Prevent crimes and CREATE SOLUTIONS!
So, once we watch this cathartic process that this documentary The Act of Killing represents to every one of us as human beings, we can begin to Forgive ourselves for every single crime, abuse and atrocity we have perpetuated in the name of power, in the name of money, in the name of a god or a belief because we have all done this, then be willing to roll our sleeves up and focus on getting ourselves straight by first and foremost stopping the self-abuse within us because ‘wars’ and governments taking over and secret societies ruling millions of people is nothing else but the outflow of our own abdication of Self-Responsibility to oneself and one another. I say till here no further, we cannot go sponsoring death and destruction one more day in this world beginning the abuse at a thought and individual level we commit each day.
I stand up for Life in Equality and Self-Responsibility for the Crimes we have all committed against Life – AND please: do yourself a favor and watch this documentary, you can’t miss it.
Watch the Live Google Hangout where further details and explanations behind the documentary ‘The Act of Killing’ will be shared, along with the refreshing sense of Self-Responsibility that we have to what this documentary so vividly exposes to us.
Thanks to Joshua Oppenheimer for being such a kick ass film maker and creating this masterpiece that should be shown all over the world to become more aware of the most essential form of abuse we all commit in one way or another: the act of killing.
Investigate who we are as a group of people committed to take responsibility and prevent further abuse in this world:
Sharing is Caring:
Like this:
Leave a comment | tags: commentary, coup d'état, documentary, evil, govenrment, humanity, indonesia, justifying wars, killings, murder, oscar winning documentary, self responsibility, Suharto, terrorism, the act of killing, victory, war | posted in blame, change the system, documentary, Equality, Evil, government, insanity, Integrity, Killing, Life, Life in Equality, mind, mind control, mind drones, mindsplit, money, morality, Movie, Self Forgiveness, Significaation