Category Archives: characters

242. Overwhelmed by the Abuse upon Life?

194. Let the Mask Fall!

Human Perception is our Greatest Enemy. Because, it has Devolved into Complete Separation as Self-Interest where the Individual will do its Utmost, to Ensure its own Comfort, Luxury and Survival – No Matter What. That is Extremely Unpleasant – to Watch a World, where Not a Single Face Presented in any way, can be Trusted to be the Real Face. It is Disheartening, to be in a World where no-one really Care. No matter how much Doomsday we have every day, no matter how many Living Beings die – there is just Silence. Not even a Cry. And, no one Shed a Tear. All Accepted, and Allowed.” – Bernard Poolman+

 

Please read the previous entry 241. The EndGame Show: 2012 to get a context on the points I’ll be walking in Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within the consideration of humanity being fucked, having no regard to any other human being, I cultivated a desire to have everything be wiped out/ humanity disappearing and within this, create a layer of disdain toward humanity as a whole, without realizing that in this I was simply projecting blame onto others within a stance of superiority/innocence as if I had not participated in every single point that is leading us to this current situation of being close to our own annihilation and annihilating the lives of every single particle that is also here as part of who we are, without realizing that by the sheer fact of me existing, I am equally responsible to any single point I could criticize/ judge or even be ashamed of that other human beings represent in this world.

 

When and as I see myself participating within a quiet-desire for everything to just ‘disappear’ and have humanity wiped out, I stop and I breathe. I realize that facing the reality that we have all participated in is certainly part of what we have to breathe through because I realize that my experience and my desires to ‘end it all’ have no ability to support any being for that matter. Thus I breathe and stop participating in any thoughts that contribute to separating myself from others and the responsibility we all hold as having been equal participants within the current state of humanity.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience disgust as ourselves, human beings, for doing what we’re doing onto each other and every single animal, plant and small particle as part of our existence that we are abusing and simply disregarding within any consideration of them all being also part of what should be regarded as equal, equally valuable, equally important to make life on Earth possible but instead, we have become so imbued in our own pursuit of happiness, of a good time that everyone is just caring after their own well being and survival, because we have all collectively accepted a system wherein one just care-after oneself only, never promoting an actual collective sense of existence/ coexisting and requiring the same points to live thus

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that the evil that I judge and create emotional experiences about when witnessing it within my reality, is nothing else but the consequential outflow of a collective agreement wherein we have accepted and allowed disparity, inequality and scarcity toward fellow human beings, simply because of accepting a country’s economy, a race, a region of the world and the disparity in currencies as actually ‘acceptable’ and ‘real,’ without realizing that in this make-believe world-system, we had never questioned why we haven’t been genuinely benevolent to each other to stop all forms of political, economical and social separations in order to Grant Access to all that is required to live as natural resources and necessary tools to be able to thrive as humanity no matter where we are located in this world.  Within this

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that judging the Evil in humanity is absolutely unnecessary since it is only another layer of self-preoccupation and self-experience added to the already existent selfishness that exists within/as the human mind that only caters for its own benefit individually, disregarding the collective and ecosystem that enables life to be possible on Earth.

When and as I see myself judging humanity/ a single human being’s actions as evil, nasty, spiteful, shameful or any other adjective that points out a degradation of life, I stop and I breathe. I realize that reducing myself in one single moment to assess/ participate in such judgmental activity becomes another link in the chain of self-abuse, because I am only generating yet another emotional experience that only feeds the same mind that is the very starting point of this whole problem in our reality in the first place, since who we are as the mind is the one that thrives upon friction and conflict to generate enough energy to feed itself from the actual physicality that we are here – thus within this realization and as a point of self correction in the moment: I direct myself to breathe through the surge of energy as contempt, disdain, shame and anger and follow through to apply Self-Forgiveness out loud in order to bring myself back to the physical reality wherein I can focus on supporting myself to do/ say that which will support me to Live and others to also realize the same instead of projecting and compounding yet another form of rivalry and antagonism toward others in this world.

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that every time I participate in any form of anger toward ‘humanity’ as a mass, as a group in its totality and identify ‘humanity’ as irresponsible is indicating only where I am currently standing as myself, and reacting to that which I would have also participated myself, even if it’s through actually rejoicing at watching another’s series of unfortunate events which already raises attention to see to what extent we have come to be lax about what we deem as entertaining just because of the Experience that we get from it as an energetic kick out of watching another suffering – therefore

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rejoice in watching another’s suffering which is quite a common point in our humanity, wherein because of the fear that we get from hypothetically placing ourselves in the shoes of the person, we would create the opposite experience as a positive experience through vicariously enjoying watching another going through events that are deliberately evil as a problematic situations in our so-called lives and call that entertaining, without realizing that in all of this Self-Experience we are only focusing on ourselves and our personal ‘good’ experience –  but in no way are we actually considering what is it that we are in fact laughing/ rejoicing about and become Aware of what we accept and allow to be commonly experienced as entertaining/ fulfilling without having a clue WHY we rejoice at such evil and generate a positive out of a negative.

 

When and as I see myself generating any form of either positive or negative experience through judging others, I stop and I breathe within the realization that it is within the participation of myself as my mind that I will only contribute to the already existent/portrayed point of experience as ‘common’ and ‘acceptable’ within us human beings, without realizing it is within such participation that we neglect and forget about being equal living beings but only opt for rejoicing in an experience at a mind level of either a positive or a negative that is equally abusive to who we are as physical beings – and to understand this and why please, educate yourself with the Quantum Mind Self Awareness interviews, so one can make an informed decision of why we require to stop all participation in our minds of thoughts/ emotions/ feelings as positive or negative energetic reactions and to start learning how to honor each other as physical beings.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the disgust projected toward ‘humanity’ that I have participated in before and that emerged after watching a group of people deciding upon another being’s life to go through the worst-case scenarios, is in fact my own self-interest and selfish self-experience wherein I am placing myself as ‘above’ those that are making the decisions, as if I was absolutely innocent within such outflow and being completely responsible toward myself , my own mind and my physical reality which I am not yet – thus I see, realize and understand that I can only generate any form of contempt, disdain and disgust toward ‘humanity’ as a single concept in my mind that I have used to abdicate my own responsibility toward myself, toward within my mind and what such participation contributes with as ‘who I am’ within this world.

 

Thus I commit myself to walk absolutely diligently to establish myself as a physical living being that stops in all ways and forms contributing to the same cycles of abuse through judgment, creating emotional experiences upon such judgment and in the end doing nothing to establish solutions but remain as a single victim that adds up to the rest of the victims that believe one have no ‘power’ to change things, without realizing that we have never in fact have any form of ‘power’ upon ourselves in reality until now that we are realizing we can become self-directive beings that deliberately decide to support/ be and become the solution to establish Life in Equality.

I realize that we have never in fact have any form of actual power or control over this reality and that who we are as living beings require physical self-correction to stop participating in the mind assessing one’s performance as either evil or good – step out of any form of positive or negative energetic experience upon assessing our reality, and instead focus on physical solutions that don’t require any form of judgment, contempt, desire to retaliate others or simply ‘wipe them out,’ as that is obviously foolishly again contributing to the same patterns of separation/ abuse and neglect toward one another.

(Listen to Why it is Important to Investigate the Negative – Part 135 for further education and understanding of what we are in fact facing when we deal with the Evil in this world)

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to reduce physical beings to ‘evil characters’ in my mind in order to then create within myself an experience of/as an ‘offended character’ without realizing how in this single participation of any form of backchat or speaking to myself about how ‘fucked we are’ as humanity is only contributing to further characterization and in fact maiming our ability to stand up because within that I am accepting and allowing ourselves to be ‘fucked’ as in powerless, having no ability to self-direct ourselves and essentially within that, accept and allow myself to diminish myself to a single self-defeatism experience that is only existent in my mind – thus

 

When and as I see myself judging people for being ‘evil’ and ‘mean’ and ‘irresponsible’ in my mind, I stop and I breathe. I direct myself to Not participate in these thoughts in any way whatsoever but instead learn about how we function as humanity and see the practical ways in which I can ensure I stop the perpetual cycles of self-abuse such as opposing/ judging or ‘being ashamed’ of being a human being and instead focus on walking the solution to humanity as myself: stopping our minds of desires, wants and needs that lead us to such evil in the first place and become the example of how it is possible to simply look at humanity and have an empty mind, take the facts and propose solutions.

 

I forgive myself that I have ever accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as judgment toward others and reacting emotionally upon another’s actions and projecting blame upon ‘them,’ instead of first taking the point back to self to see where I am in fact reacting because of me being doing the same or simply creating an emotional experience about this spitefulness toward life that I then co-create by participating in my mind of emotions and feelings. I realize that this physical reality is being physically disregarded, exploited and abused and my emotional experience toward it won’t change a thing – I rather absolutely stop, forgive myself for any reaction and continue breathing in my self-stability to be able to direct myself to create solutions, become the solution myself by stopping following my own wants, desires, needs that may in any harm one’s and another’s life.

 

When and as I see myself existing in self judgment and within any emotional experience toward others in my reality, I stop and I breathe within the realization that whatever experience, thought I create toward others in no way contributes to an actual living-solution. Thus I direct myself to instead understand the point that I am judging, see ‘who I am’ toward it, how I am participating in it and in self-awareness direct myself to establish a solution for that which I am judging, which begins by me stopping judging it/ becoming emotional about it and then focus on physical directions/ solutions that can be implemented in order to prevent such ‘evil situation’ from happening in the first place.

 

I realize that we are abusing in the name of satisfying one’s ego and entertainment in this case, wherein the worst-case scenario decisions are being made in order to have a ‘good time’ as a form of entertainment. The same happens when we exert our anger upon others as a form of vindicating our position as victims in this world which becomes nothing else but another grain added to the sack of the plethora of beings that would rather fight against the system/ oppose the government/ retaliate against corporations/ religious institutions and any other association in separation of life that are in no way envisioning a collective agreement to support each other as equals and within that, correcting the root of evil that we have all become and participated within without any form of physical awareness of who we are in fact fighting against.

 

If Karma Existed – as a Real Law of Consequence and Man had to Pay for What has been Allowed on Earth: there would be No End to Suffering for All on Earth, Virtually for Eternity Now. Many Hope to Escape the Consequence, by Finding all kinds of Saviors. How can anyone Save you from yourself – If you are not Willing to do it for yourself? If you are not Willing to Change you, Why must someone else Change you? Because that is your Greatest Fear, that you Claim that anyone else that try and change you, is Brainwashing you… it is Such a Conundrum, the Perfect Trap.”Bernard Poolman+

 

 

When and I see myself wanting to blame and project a single experience of disdain toward human beings for the acts they are perpetrating as any form of abuse toward life  – I stop and I breathe – I realize that such abuse is happening all the time in our reality and that my experience contributes to such abuse. Thus I stop, I breathe, I become aware of the abuse, I trace the point to see how such abuse is created in order to ensure that such root-cause of the abuse is self-corrected within me at all times.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I can only generate an experience upon that which I have participated/ been/ become myself  – thus any form of externalization of judgment is only a key point that I can direct myself to immediately take it back to self, investigate where and how I have become that which I am judging in others and take self responsibility for it. Such as ever rejoicing in watching another’s pain and suffering which we can condemn as ‘evil,’ however we are all inflicting such pain and suffering by the single acceptance of Money as a system to obtain that which we require to live, and such money is not readily available to all human beings equally, that is the real reverse of life that we are All blindly accepting and allowing in this world-system.

 

I realize that if I was aware of the abuse that we are All Collectively directly inflicting upon each other, upon each animal, insect, plant, life particle in this reality, I would have been consumed by my own anger, shame and remorse about it. Thus existing in guilt, shame, remorse, anger and sadness about what we are Doing upon this world is actually self interest – and within that, wanting to ‘wipe out humanity’ is simply in fact just opting to ‘get a quick fix’ to not have to face the consequences we have all co-created in/as this world we’re living in. This is our Doomsday, this is what we participate in on a daily basis beginning with ourselves in our own minds – thus

 

I commit myself to stop participating within my own Mood-change as my self-doom by creating emotional experiences upon the abuse, evil and neglect upon life and walk my physical process to actually become Life / Live as the reverse of all that evil that I can simply then become aware of, establish the root-cause of such evil, plan a solution that I can live and implement as what’s best for all and as such, promote solutions, promote and become the way that we can practically correct the patterns that have we tend to simply judge or become overwhelmed by in self interest as a personal experience.

 

I realize that my responsibility toward this world cannot be possibly corrected or ‘washed away’ with any form of immediate self destruction, as that would be similar to simply ascending/dying as in leaving our consequence behind as this physical world/ the Earth that is holding all our evil deeds as proof of how we can neglect each other and life with such an ease that should be a focus of attention to start creating a sense of self-responsibility and self-worth as life as equals, because as long as I expect consequence to ‘hit others’ and place myself out of the equation, I am still existing in such self interest as in seeing myself as ‘superior’ to those that I believe are the ‘evil ones,’ without realizing that we’re All in this together and we have Always been together in this co-creative process in existence, therefore there is no way out of facing ourselves, no matter what.

 

I commit myself to live the realization how within any form of desire/want and need to only satisfy my self experience as either in a positive or negative experience about another’s thoughts/words/deeds, I am equally contributing to perpetuating this system of abuse, as the system is founded upon satisfying our wants/ needs and desires through making them available through a monetary system that is already set to only benefit some – within this it is to realize how delusional it is that we have all collectively agreed to only benefit ‘some’ and disregard the majority using reasoning, logic, beliefs and ‘laws’ even to protect such elitist granting of ‘living rights and guarantees’ that have become the reflection of how our own minds function: care for yourself and nevermind the rest –

 

Therefore I take the point of self responsibility toward myself, my own mind and become  a physical living example of how it is possible to become a contribution to Life/ Living and sharing myself, my process within this with others so that more can become aware of another way of living as equals, wherein we can in fact then establish an actual self-awareness to see what we are rejoicing with, to become aware of how it is through our desire/want and need to have certain positive experiences that we overlook the abuse that lies beneath it. And this is existent virtually everywhere since this world and reality has become the epitome of evil and everything that is the reverse of life.

 

Thus, I commit myself to continue living a process of physical integrity as life wherein my thoughts/words/deeds speak and express that which I realize we are, that which I realize has to be done and implemented in this world in order to no more support and cater for the abuse toward fellow living species/beings and become life myself, as that is the actual living-example that can propitiate and place in motion the necessary changes that are urgent in this world, such as establishing the Equal Money System that will certainly enable people to be relieved from having to exist in an endless payroll and survival mode, competing to ‘make a living,’ and instead, have enough time to support themselves, to learn about how our mind works, how to support oneself to become a living-self aware being that is self-responsible through the tools of self-support that are the only ones that will enable us to realize our responsibility within this reality, which are writing, Self-Forgiveness, Self Corrective Application, Breathing and sharing because acting alone is futile in this Journey to Life wherein the outcome will always affect the whole.

 

More to come…

 

Further Self Support:

 

“I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realise and understand that with parent-child, teacher-classroom, Money-humanity relationships being based on Elitism of/as “the One / Chosen One”, has become platforms within humanity that propagate Competition for Survival – put Man against Man, Man against the Physical/Earth, as all compete for/as their Survival, their Elitism, their “specialness, uniqueness, importance” energy experiences, that we would within such relationships – not consider: a solution to this physical existence where we ensure that each parent is equipped to have children, that each child is ensured a life from birth to death, that all children are ensured an equal and one education, that each human being co-exist within a World System that contribute to life on earth. But, we’ve conditioned/submitted ourselves, our Minds to the systems of this world, in ‘how life has always been’ – instead of standing up, and changing, and taking responsibility for ourselves, for those that have gone before us, with what ‘life on earth’ has become.” – Sunette Spies *

 

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Blogs:

 

Interviews that support oneself to understand how to walk our process within the perspective of consequence and informed decisions:

 

Vlog:

2012 Doomsday Character: Sick of Humanity? – YouTube
2012: Overwhelmed with Tears by Media – YouTube
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224. Cultivate Your Personality: Human Egoism gone Mainstream

 

Elitist Character: Cultivation of Personalities – Self Corrective Statements and Realizations.

 

When you realize how one is the product of our society but society exists as ourselves, as our mind projected as a conglomeration of individuals that attest to one another’s existence in a world where life is sold, you realize that invariably so nothing of ‘who you are’ can be real if it is only the accumulation of knowledge and information lived out as ‘who you are’ – therefore any desire to cultivate our wits, our egos, our characters can only exist if there is Money to perpetuate such selfish endeavor. That’s what we’ve become, that’s the foundation of our economy, of politics and any form of education that we’ve supported as our basic instilling of personality-cultivation in order to succeed above others – so, winners and losers were part of the scheme then? Yes, and giving to the least fortunate ones ways to entertain themselves with things like religion/ spirituality and entertainment. It’s rather difficult to go to a remote community – at least in this country – where people might live in poor conditions and not see a TV in their home, unless of course there is non of that at all and then we would be speaking about real people in real conditions that are absolutely out of our ‘scope’ of information that exists only according to what ‘the media’ presents us. Our reality has become as big as our screens and that’s as far as we’ve gone in terms of creating ideas of what life should be. Isn’t that the most limited form of existence? It is.

 

We’ve been watching lots of Derren Brown videos and I saw within myself how it is rather naïve how as humans we defend this arrangement of data as knowledge and information so seriously as ‘who we are,’ we walk throughout our entire lives to somehow ‘find a purpose in life’ without really ever getting any unless one makes it and lives it out. How could it be real if in one moment a person could forget who they are as in their own name, their entire history and ‘who they’ve been’ for others as well? Who have we been living for, is this accumulation of events with imprinted emotions and feelings everything that we are? Just pursuing some form of personal satisfaction and that’s it?

If a Killer can be made, then how come we’ve built our ‘fascinations’ around that which is carefully crafted to become just another form of entertainment for the masses? You can watch Derren Brown – The Experiments: The Assassin

So far we’ve lived that way – and it is in moments like this when everything is placed into perspective and I can see the petty battles to let go of people, things, preferences, the entire ‘who I am’ as self-definition, as if I had signed a contract to marry the artificial idea of myself. What’s more important within this all is how we walk our entire lives seeking a ‘meaning to life’ and that’s when we get lost trying to find meanings in people, spirituality, drugs, relationships, sex, money, glory in some form or way. Is that living?  Seeking and seeking and finding the next greatest thrill? No.

 

If everything we’ve become as our characters/ personalities ends at death, how could that be ‘real’  as part of who we really are? It can’t – it is real as long as we enact it as hypnotized characters playing out instructions given by the tell-a-vision, but I’ve also proven to myself how I can stop following along with characters in one moment and within that it’s like an actor revealing he’s only an actor in the middle of a play = breaks the spell of whatever emotional-feeling continuum is taking place. Do I feel more dead? At times it may seem like that simply because I had defined everything I was to a constant and continuous energetic experience, just like I programmed myself to come home from school and get out of the intelligent-well-behaved-responsible character and become the other me that few people really knew and listen to music non stop and solace myself with images on the TV Screen. No wonder I chose images as a career, no wonder I came to be fascinated for the things I liked and no wonder till this day it’s been a process to stop generating any sense of energetic experience about all those things, however, they are only relevant as long as I allow myself to be ‘in character’ to perceive reality from such an energetic-visual scope of view, which is how I can realize then that

 

When and as I see myself reacting with an emotional or feeling experience toward anything/ anyone that I had defined and cultivated as part of my fascinations – I stop and I breathe – I realize that I can only create an experience if I allow myself to be ‘in character’ to react to people, words, music, pictures, colors in a particular way that I programmed myself to react accordingly to. Thus, I understand that every time I play the character, I am not here, breathing as my physical body, and that any sense of nostalgia for the past that I perceived as ‘freedom and expression,’ has only been a set of preferences as knowledge and information that was available to me according to my social-status and money situation, to which I added/ imprinted a positive experience to, as a way to compensate for the dread of the days as my routine that I had defined as dull while growing up – missing out the actuality of living because all I knew was what I had and what I would see people would ‘live out’ as a meaning of ‘living’ – which is what was linked to libertinage, ‘expression’ in outrageous ways that were only possible due to money.

 

When and as I see myself seeking some form of stimulation either through visuals or sounds and or music videos for that matter in order to ‘relive’ an experience of the past – I stop and I breathe. I realize that I can hear the music however be breathing and enjoy it for a moment here, without downloading all the plethora of past-times as memories that I had programmed myself to always ‘remember’ in order to believe that ‘my life had been a Life’ according to the amount of knowledge, information and experiences I would be able to store as a point of self definition, as the character that I had committed myself to live-as for the rest of my ‘life,’  and I realize that none of that in fact defines who I am as all of that is not existent here when I am breathing in every moment as the physical being that I am.

 

 

When and as I see myself wanting to get a ‘fix’ of entertainment as I used to whenever I reach a point of dread within myself and seek to go to the ‘past’ as visuals, sounds, pictures to get that experience, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I have programmed myself to be constantly having a point to ‘look forward to’ in my life in terms of events, situations that would generate a certain ‘positive experience’ within me, and in this, never really living at all, but only perpetuating the basic mechanisms of self-indulgence wherein all that I cared for was ‘myself’ and that’s it. Nothing else mattered and no one else mattered but me, my entertainment, my infatuations, my own character evolution to get to be who I wanted to be, get the people that I wanted to be with and have everything that I had deemed as ‘my happiness’ – while doing everything I could to continue cultivating my personal satisfaction while In-Character.

 

I realize that if I had been a kid in a situation of poverty, I would have not known at all of any of the things that I became infatuated with, as well as those that I sought to deliberately oppose/ antagonize as a form of self definition. I Realize that the CULTivation of Personalities is only existent as a convenient entertainment mechanism in order to maintain individuals within this internal and external pursuit of happiness, while  maintaining and supporting the configuration of society  in a way wherein such happiness can be bought through products, artifacts, and expressions that are also the result of the same limited view upon life, which makes us ponder: how in any way could we speak about culture being important to humanity if everything that it’s been based on is  existent within this limited scope of who we are as Our Minds as the ‘intelligence’ that we believe is superior to all other beings while neglecting the reality that we are as our very own physical bodies and physical reality that is here regardless of us ‘thinking’ about it?

 

I see, realize and understand that I fell for the trick to ‘cultivate my personality’ and enter within a secret race to be the best, the most original/ authentic/ outrageous/ intelligent being that could be glorified for this lifelong achievements of accumulating knowledge and information within particular ‘sectors’ in our reality defined as ‘culture’ and within that, be recognized as ‘someone’ more than the rest, which indicates that everything that I made myself keen on was always having a point of self interest that lead to the same cultivation, accumulation and ‘capitalization’ of myself as a character that could be sold to any corporation or cultural institution as an ‘eminence’ for having had such a ‘fascinating innate taste for arts’ which was in fact not so, I did it all myself of course in an attempt to create a sense of specialness within me when compared to my peers – and that was it.

 

When and as I see myself seeking to validate my past according to what I know, what I own, who I have been, the people I’ve met, the places I’ve been to, the preferences I cultivated, the ‘achievements’ I had in order to create an idea of ‘having lived a life,’ I stop and I breathe – I realize that all of that can be gone in one second and still would not define ‘who I am’ at all, as who I am is here  as the physical body that is not defined any longer by a past lived as a series of characters shaped, formed, molded and adapted to what the entire configuration of our society/ world-system is based upon.

 

I realize that every time that I am able to stop myself from perpetuating the past as who I am in every moment, I am able to stop feeding the characters and the entire world-system wherein we always would end up seeking/ asking for ‘more’ in one way or another – hence it is a red flag point: when and as I see myself seeking for ‘something’ or ‘someone’ to get  a sense of fulfillment going into memories and pictures/ experiences of the past, I realize that I am not here as breath, but that I am only seeking to relieve an energetic experience that I can simply decide to stop in one single moment and step out of the mind character to focus on the physical reality that is here for me to participate in.

 

I commit myself to expose how culture as we know it has been the key to create a sense of ‘pride’ and ‘superiority’ as species within humanity wherein we’ve only elevated our egos to semi-god statuses for having being able to create such ‘marvels’ that we’ve defined as artistic expressions, but, has any of that in any way really supported who we are as physical living human beings? No.  Hence the necessity to stop deifying ourselves as our own grandiose life-stories of past events as ‘who we’ve been’ and start committing ourselves to get educated on everything we’ve missed and neglected while being infatuated and occupied in cultivating characters of limited and contrived expressions that were meant to be sold to the greatest bidder, feeding a system of abuse and greed as the highest acts on Earth.

 

I commit myself to clarify how none of our current ‘fascinations’ or cultural fetishes would exist if there was no media apparatus within our world-system, and that we would not have been continuing seeking for more and more ways to exploit this ego-social system, if we had not all been ‘globalized’ through our current means of communication which should and must exist for the purpose of getting to know each other, support each other to stop existing as characters that consume life, get to a point of self realization of the responsibility we hold toward each other and our reality and all the beings that we’ve affected the lives of in our path to this egoification of reality, and start living a process of self-correction in order to recognize once again what to Live in fact a  life in Equality.

 

What’s the point in feeding each other’s obsessions but a form of emotional/feeling dependence that leads us all to a point of madness in reality, the moment we’re not able to continue fueling and fulfilling such paltry experiences that exist Only in our minds. I Look at the reality that we’ve become: the media, the showbiz, the money biz, the politics, the laws, the culture, the insanity and all of it is simply pointing out: Red Flag, this is about to crash and burn, step out of it as soon as you can – however, we cannot step out/ escape from the system because we are it to the extent wherein it is stored in our very flesh and muscle tissue in our physical body, still defining who we’ve become until we decide to completely walk a process of self forgiveness and self corrective application in order to stop participating in such self-conditioned ways of ‘living’ which have never been life in fact.

 

The current dissatisfactions, frustrations, voids and giving up experiences that lead us to seek more ‘exciting ways’ of entertaining our lives, is only an elitist act that we ‘e indulged ourselves in as an actual luxury of being able to evolve our characters with weirder and more ‘specialized’ preferences as long as we have the basic needs at our reach. If we had no money, our lives would be different, I would not be writing here about me and my glorious past, but would be working 16 hours a day to make a living in the poorest conditions – or maybe even worse. And this is how it is only us that have the time and resources that must make a stand to stop feeding any form of self-consumption through the glorification of the go, but instead form part of the solutions required to be implemented in this world, wherein the lives of the people that Do have to work 16 hours a day is no longer part of the enslavement that we’ve accepted and allowed and neglected while pursuing our own happiness – it is our responsibility to speak up for those that Really in fact don’t have a voice.

 

Is ‘culture’ something that is available to All human beings? No – hence can it represent humanity in any way? No.

 

We’ve been liars and deceivers building a rosy type of reality upon the actual suffering and abuse that billions of beings are going through on a daily level – yet we filled our lives with depressions, fascinations, anger, frustrations, boredom and dullness as well as self hatred for being having just about a perfect normal life with little to worry about in terms of physical well being. It reveals to what extent we’ve taken life for granted, and to what extent we have only lived as characters in our minds, disregarding everything and everyone else.

 

I commit myself to expose the realities we’ve ‘lived’ at an individual level from the starting point of self-importance, self-interest and the ultimate cultivation of our own ego to remain divided and secluded in our pursuit-of-happiness bubbles we’ve defined as ‘our lives’ and ‘who we are.’

 

This is not living. Yet we are alive as our physical body breathing here can indicate us – hence there is some serious self-reflection to do in order to align ourselves to a physical definition of ‘Living Life’ and In Fact start focusing on that which requires our immediate attention, dedication and intervention, to first wake up from these mass hypnotic act we’ve all participated blindly in, and start waking each other up and step into the realization that: nothing and no one will change if we keep quiet about this, about what we are now realizing has been a lie supported by all and affecting all equally to detrimental positions that we are currently living in.

We are the only ones that can stop ourselves in every moment that we decide to breathe instead of being in character and focus on that which actually matters in our own individual realities and the world as a whole – it is only through deliberate care that we can in fact step out of the mass-media conditioning we’ve adopted as our ‘lifestyles,’ and realize that we can only continue living if we snap out of our own mass hypnosis and care to become actual living breathing beings.

 

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Tunnel Vision – 2012

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222. Insanity as Libertinage

Are our preferences and personalities a free willed/ free choice act?

What we’re currently witnessing as all things ‘rebellious’ now being absolutely ‘In’ and ‘cool’ is the product of massive brainmediawashing that has lead toward a more ‘open and free’ society, apparently, with lots of free choice and free will and money to spend on buying all of that, of course. This being lead by head-spears of the world system that we’ve come to easily glorify as artists/actors and any other media-person that we’ll end up knowing have severe ‘mental problems’ and take this or that medication.  What I’ll describe here is how something that was part of a ‘greater scheme’ to expand society’s morality to a point of non-morality which meant a similar thing to ‘free market’ speaking in economic terms, came to be part of what I had also adopted as ‘part of my personality’ with preferences/ fascinations or anything else I could entertain myself with, not realizing that what I was witnessing through the screen of my TV was a deliberate act to indoctrinate people to remain as programmable as possible to focus on that which would become the greatest diversion tactic ever promoted in a massive global scale: entertainment industry – and in my case, music and to be specific what became labeled as ‘pop culture’ no matter what music genre you would listen to.

 

The after effects of this open promotion of the ‘push boundaries,’ go ‘insane,’ be wild, be outrageous, just do it characters was both an consequential outflow of the point we’re facing as humanity that have longed for any form of evolution for too long with no result at all – obviously – while portraying that ‘chaos’ within arts and music – but really within everything and everyone, all people that grew up with a sense of this outrageous fame-and-fortune advertised as freedom, becoming the new standard of aspirations for the new generations. But it happens to be that,  taking drugs and a world that was kept ‘secret’ or as a hidden ‘known fact’ went mainstream, which is then not something new but again, I can definitely witness some serious ‘upgrade’ from the type of music videos I watched in the 90’s and all these still underground scenes like raves to what is going on now, wherein you don’t require to hide the fact that you’re on some sort of medication, taking illegal drugs and using them in any regular party, no need to create any rave-like paraphernalia any more.

 

All of this is pointing out toward a massive dumbification and sedation of young generations that are supposed to be the ‘future of our world.’ It is seriously a point to be concerned with, I don’t have TV at the moment because a lightning killed it –lol – but if you have the opportunity to watch MTV just take a look at what kids are watching, because I was one of those kids that age 7 was already watching stuff that defined a Lot of what I became, the decisions I made, what I ‘thought’ myself to be and what I believed were my ‘true desires’ which were not, they were just an outflow of picturing myself as an artist/ rockstar like person or at least a writer that would be part of the entourage, handing out with musicians, which is what I sort of did for a while – and yes if you watch the move ‘almost famous,’ that was kind of part of my dream as well.  Was there any free will or free choice in this? No, I thought I had so by ‘choosing’ to watch this but it’s really not so when I only had a limited amount of channels and a limited desire to go beyond anything that I could fetch on my TV for years. It is irrelevant at this stage to only see the TV as the main problem, really,  one way or another, no matter what I would watch, I would have to face the same point of brainwashing just by being part of this society, since people in our reality seem to be ‘coming out of the screen’ nowadays, and that’s what shocked me the most or at least it became more and more obvious in the past decade.

 

 

 

What do we have then for the topic here? Making suicide, insanity, mental instability and outrageous acts a normal thing for your regular person. Was it really so? I got my perspective on that and as anything in this world, there are juicy interests behind. All in the name of ‘free entertainment that oozed libertinage.’ So this is where we’re headed, but let’s see how I got into this whole thing in quite a well masked way believing that I was somehow ‘being different’ than the rest of the world – lol.

 

In the previous post I walked some early memories related to my first encounter with the concepts pointi7ng out insanity/ craziness – this was from as far as I could remember till age 7. I explained about anger / temper tantrums and how that 1was linked to me being seemingly crazy – which was just a word that I would hear and got used to linking it to this outrageous behavior that I concluded, was mostly a way to instigate conflict and antagonism toward my mother as the representation of the authority in my world. 

 

Now, as a side note: This is an important aspect to consider within anyone reading these series. This is an exploration of how I shaped the meaning of the word crazy/insane based on what I would do/ live out in my life and would end up being called ‘crazy’ for doing that – really, all based on becoming a character that could constantly trigger some reaction within others, mostly, for the sake of my own benefit as in having the power to make others react. Hence it is not the actual full psychological meaning of it that would dimply an actual requirement for a mental treatment of sorts – even if I will explain later on how someone I met became all possible disorders by his own ability to tell stories that he knew the psychiatrist would be willing to play-along with for the sake of psychiatrist selling him drugs, parents being ‘happy’ for having their son ‘on treatment’ and this guy being ‘happy’ for getting the drugs he wanted on a legal manner. That’ll come in posts later on.

 

veruca salt-  seether

 

For now I will continue with the following years  which I’ll identify from 7 – 14 and my relationship to craziness – and all I can see is more deliberate acts and attitudes that would instigate any minute reaction from people around me, it became part of the entertainment, yes, but also the introduction to media. With having the platform of ‘me being crazy’/ called crazy according to my parents and already having built this antagonism and deliberate acts of ‘random madness’ you know, the ‘nice crazy’ wherein you just frolic around and do nonsense and I would get called crazy. Obviously this is the ‘nice story’ told by me as the mind that had built this story so nicely to justify my character, hence I am over generalizing on the ‘crazy’ point, but that’s mostly the point within this all, how I built it myself, not really about ‘my  mother’ or father per se.

 

Well, I found a similar expression later on when watching MTV, and watching Kurt Cobain just running around or any other rockstar of that time doing ‘random acts of madness’ – lol.  I mean, it’s hard to not look into how I conditioned myself to be all ‘rebellious’ and breaking the norms if all I would watch were these people on MTV acting all ‘weird,’ with deliriums of grandeur, trashing backstage places, drinking, getting high, going ‘crazy’ on stage and me just wondering Wow how come there’s not people like THEM around me? lol – this was when I was 7 years old and on, obviously feeding that type of behavior at home with my particular  family-situation – which is no different to any other ‘family situation’ I must stay – made me into a ‘rebellious act’ of sorts, justified by my father because he had been a ‘musician’ on his own way – much mellower lol – but still he supported my ambitions to become learn how to play the guitar, and that went on for a while. But the truth is, the most I liked about music was not really playing it, but the whole attitude. And why’s that: freedom and expression – which are the points I linked to Craziness/ insanity, linked to my fascination and almost devotion for music, again linked to that sense of freedom, expression and insanity – lol as I wrote insanity the thought of Gene Simmons came to mind, figure that out. 

 

Courtney Love - Violet

 

 

As I write all of this it is impossible to not see the face of people like Courtney Love and many other ‘riot girls’ that I grew up watching and that I have for sure written about  Day 24: Supervixen and Day 60: Femme Fatale « but I also obviously had all these males on the screen just going being overtly ‘expressive’ but also being seemingly ‘crazy looking’ or just ‘plain crazy’ See the action would unfold as follows: I would be sitting on the couch watching MTV doing homework or just watching TV and people would walk by the TV room – which almost became my room – and they would take a look at what I was watching and would simply stare at the screen, then look back at me with this face of utter disgust like ‘do you like watching this?’  and so I would nod my head happily because hey, they liked all that ‘mellow’ music, I was into something real ‘badass’ and so it made me special to like crazy people on the TV Screen. They would just make a sign with their finger, making circles around their ear as in saying ‘you are fucking crazy.’ Which would then fuel up my desires to actually Be so, because: hey this is making Me different from THEM, awesome! Let’s keep pushing the envelope. Obviously I didn’t say the last phrase but just to place into context how I would go escalating my fascinations, just because I knew that my sisters would never be able to ‘match’ this, nor was it common for a girl liking this metal and before that grungy music, which also later on became interests that lead me to aspire relationships with older people into this world, which then became a reality, but that’s another story.

 

Marilyn Manson Tourniquete

 

It becomes almost impossible not to point out the person that caused the most shock within me turning into a fascination later on, which was Marilyn Manson and the moment I watched that video Tourniquete in 97, which was about the same time that I got to now of yet another suicide – after I had been aware of Kurt Cobain’s suicide in 94 and it seemed like a ‘common thing’ among artists after I had known of other people committing suicide or ending up dead by overdose – this time it was Michael Hutchence’s death by autoerotic asphyxiation, which obviously to me was like a ‘say whaaaat?’ at that time, I simply did not get it until much later… and then other deaths followed like Lane Staley from Alice in Chains, drug overdose and various other ‘drug stories’ that would go on as if within the art/music scene, being on drugs was the same as ‘going to school’ for a regular person in this world. Well, they all ended up like a hero of sorts, so to me it was like ‘ok people like these people that committed suicide, wtf – but, oh well they were too sad about the world, okay.’ Which is a proof of how I was already beginning to create an ‘appropriate’ link of insanity + drugs = acceptance in society, expression, ultimate stardom and then a rushed death, which as any human being became another ‘fascination’ due to the fear that we actually have toward it.

 

There were other points I later on started becoming aware of like serial killers and demonic possessions on the discovery channel, which also ‘fascinated me’ for the actual level of ‘I can’t believe it’ that they produced within me. Then I became aware of people like Timothy McVeigh – the ‘American Domestic Terrorist’ –  for some reason it stuck within me,  probably because it was my first understanding of what a terrorist attack was. I mean I had heard parents say ‘wars were perpetrated by fucking crazy people’ but till then I didn’t know that people would act alone and deliberately kill or bomb entire buildings and have a name for that: terrorism. Well duh, how come we have become so ‘fascinated’ with serial killers =  they represent a great level of fear for the actions that your neighbor next door could actually be scheming out against you/ the community in their own homes. Lots of fear – perfect mass control. What have we done as society? We’ve turned it into a Fascination and dare I say even a marketing point without even then really looking at what the fuck we are actually worshiping:  Please read the entire series:

Day 64: International Crime Research: Serial Killers, Mass Murderers and Sociopaths Part 1

 

I say marketing because there are these exhibitions of serial killers that get a LOT of visits = lots of cash simply because of telling you all the story of ‘the most famous serial killers,’ without having a clue of how it all actually worked and how it was true that most of the time, the killers would not be aware because it was all a product of Demonic Possessions – all explained by Mykey in the series: Demons in the Afterlife.

 

What’s more interesting within this all is that I had never a real encounter/ contact with an actual crazy person or any form of severely deranged person such as a serial killer or anything like that, nor someone that had actually been declared crazy and locked up in a mental hospital. I only created a ‘fascination’ toward it because of the fear that I initially experienced about it, not being able to ‘understand’ people’s behavior and what could lead them all to take themselves to the verge of self destruction in all possible ways, yet seen as ‘fun’ and acceptable in society. Same with mass murders,  self-condemning themselves to the electric chair and these demon possess people – all of it just brewed into my definition of insanity that became a fascination, a desire to understand it or even live it out to see ‘what it was like’ at last, because… well the aspect of an artist/ musician being considered as ‘eccentric’ and ‘special’ lead me to want to be just like them and not having to ‘behave’ like everyone else in society – or around my world to be precise – and yes, guess what? Any initial desires I had to study or become someone quite active within the world system vanished over time. Why would that be? Was I getting too immersed in the realm of the ‘intangible’ as music, arts and all that nice intellectual atmosphere?  Yes. 

 

 

What can I conclude from this

 

1. Being rebellious, daring, aloof, expressive, transgressive, and essentially high on drugs was what everyone was deeming as ‘cool’ in our society. Fascinating, isn’t it? I grew up with that – what shaped my view of the world/ people – was it really Me? No, of course not. It was MTV mostly at that time in my life, because I had really no ‘friends’ that were into it and my ‘best friends’ at the time were two girls that I am thankful got me into playing games and actually being outside and away from the TV Screen. But whenever I was not with them, I was just imprinting all these characters in an almost obsessive manner, in a non-stop manner. Everything that I had become before beginning this process was just a self-cooked version of all of this information into my own mix of ‘outrageous goodness,’ I was ‘hitting my dreams’ by the time I got to Desteni, it was a ‘tough decision’ to give it all up for a moment, but eventually I knew I had to do it. I would have definitely regretted not doing so out of fear of losing my ‘carefully lengthy built personality,’ because I was quite specific and so I ensured I would take all the bits I liked from people and made them ‘my own,’ acting like them, being like them, deliberately. I thought it was a ‘free willed’ act, lol – not really as we can see, all part of the same drill leading to remain within the frameworks of this current world-system, screaming out fears but never doing anything about it.

 

2. The definition that I held of ‘crazy’ was simply another act linked to ‘freedom’ and any other form of ‘anti-establishment’ that I perceived in all these madness acts by artists, which meant a ‘revolutionary act’ that I later on got to know of had been brewing ever since, according to pop culture, Elvis had rocked his bottom in suggestive ways on TV and had gotten banned for that. I later on grew up watching people throwing themselves over drum sets, drinking, vomiting, being almost naked, taking tampons off on stage and anything else that I could ‘swallow’ within all the pages of magazines wherein I learned what being a ‘rockstar’ meant – lol, I obviously wanted to tag along, which became a fascination out of the sense of freedom these people represented – lot of drug names were given, but I wasn’t really paying attention to that. At that time, it was all about the words, behavior, the image, the style, the music, lyrics, music videos, shocking onstage performances, being absolutely wasted as the ultimate cool, flipping the finger toward the government and organizing ‘freedom concerts.’ This is what was ‘into’ then as well, a delirious sense of ‘freedom’ as an energetic experience that I became hooked on, wanting to enact it all later on in my real life.

Now, you catch the drift?

….. this will continue with Self Forgiveness and Self Correction to see how everything that I deemed as ‘my preferences/ my fascinations’ were only a product of another mass-brainwashing campaign that I took part of, seeking to ‘escape the system’ and never even ‘bother’ to do some real changes in this world, and that’s a fact as I lived that out for quite a while, pursuing my ‘lifestyle’ mimicking what I had been ‘educated’ with on TV throughout late childhood and teenage years.

 

My suggestion is to observe your own life in relation to media, see what types of preferences you had, your ‘personal idols,’ what did they represent to you that you were not able to live out yourself, if you were exposed to some role model in your early days, then see where you stand toward that particular person nowadays. I see it is vital to understand that we’ve never really made a single choice by ourselves and that it is thus of utmost importance to debunk our entire ego, as we never know what we might still be ‘holding on to’ which is linked to just another massive mechanism we’ve accepted and allowed ourselves to be conditioned by without seemingly ‘knowing’ so, but certainly still defining ‘who we are’ as a point of limitation, which is a problem and we’ll walk the solutions in posts to come.

 

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213. Opinionated Elitism: Intellectual Prickism

Revolutionary –Elitist Character – because all worry and concern about the system was not self-honest, but rather aiming at personal glory.

Continuation of the Elite Character

The Revolutionary Character:

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I required a reason to stand up for life in equality as in having a particular ‘bad life’ or suffering in order to advocate a world system that will ensure all living beings are supported for life and in this, believe that any form of suffering was necessary for us to stand up, without realizing that such suffering, struggle and abuse has been he direct outflow of our own accepted and allowed existence in selfishness, self interest and utmost greed that leads to the negligence of other beings as ourselves, which leads to accepting and allowing a reality of abuse and neglect, simply because we were not apparently directly affected by it, when the reality is that we all are aware at some level of everything that goes on in this world, and that no matter how hard we try to ‘make our lives work’ and ‘try to make it’ in this world, we will never get to an actual state of well being unless we change the system that is currently fostering the conditions of abuse as a means to survive.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to comply and form my judgment about reality based on ‘critical opposition’ to a system that I thought had to ‘work for us’ no matter what, without ever questioning why it is that the only civil-obedience act that I would know of was paying for taxes and voting for political representation, never actually realizing that this world is the way it is because we have all collectively agreed to the non-sensical rules and regulations as ‘laws’ that are only benefitting a minority of the population that lives in opulence, while the majority  is neglected and side viewed by any form of human-rights and laws that could guarantee the general well being of mankind as equals, though because this would imply having no ability to abuse and exert power over someone that isn’t forced to ‘make a living’ to get by and survive, we simply agreed that living in optimum conditions would mean having to work/ having to have a constant struggle to ‘make it’ in this world, accepting this as the general imprint we grow up as children, always aiming at ‘getting better/ progressing/ developing’ but always witnessing things only going wrong, bad, corrupted, failing and within this

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to start conforming to an apathy and general mocking of our politics and governmental systems due to believing that they were the only bad guys creating the problems I was witnessing in my environment as the country and the world, and that we, the people, had to ‘fight for our rights and be heard,’ generating an entire energetic personality of constant opposition, criticism, wanting to hoard as much knowledge and information about the world as possible so that I could ‘defend’ myself when being asked about my opinions about politics, economics and social matters. I realize that in this all I was not In fact looking at the actual reality of people, but mostly being entertained by numbers, graphics, pictures that I would see in the media in order to create a particular Experience about ‘how bad, how wrong and twisted the world is’ without ever even questioning my own participation within it as an equal-part that is responsible for Everything that goes on in this world, no matter what I do or what I don’t do, the sheer fact that we are living beings is already indicating that we have all tacitly agreed with the current ways the system works – and within that, any form of change cannot come only from a new system in place, but must be In place through our individual change and self correction within the understanding of what it is that Life must be as What is Best for All.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to for a while not question my reality further because of seeing that ‘out of my reach’ and seeing the understanding of how money works, how money is created and what the devaluation of our currency meant – beyond just ‘erasing’ three zeros’ – and simply brush it aside as if it was something that had ‘nothing to do with me’ at the moment. Not realizing that everything that was making my life work was not out of ‘nowhere’ but money that is what enabled me to continue living and being educated and existing only seeking for my own benefit, because it is quite clear how if I had any form of physical struggle to get money as in not having enough money, I would have questioned my  reality further  – yet I used the reality, the knowledge and information for my own benefit as a way to make myself ‘knowledgeable’ and what I’ve been tagging as ‘system savvy’ in order to perpetuate the intellectualism of the problems in the world to have interesting ‘talks’ with other people that would seem ‘equally interesting’ to me to do so, and within this never really actually SEEING the problems we were speaking about as the actual reality of people, but were only using it as a way to show off knowledge and information, have long talks over coffee and ‘plot’ some amusing plans to ‘overcome the system’ that would go no further than just that, talking and having no inkling of an actual plan, way and method to in fact create a change in this world – thus, my concern about the system must be seen not as an actual act of caring, but was also imprinted with my desire to start making a name for myself in order to get to be part of the Intellectual-Elite that could talk about the problems in the world and earn great money out of it. (Read: 207. Changing the World in Self Interest)

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be ‘informed’ from an early age about what was happening in the world, but this was all based within self interest as in having the ability to Know more about the world, to be quite the ‘exceptional child’ that would not be amused by ‘childish games’ but would act as an adult in order to seem special and within this,once again, building up a point of specialness, superiority and recognition over time in order to get to be ‘the most’ everyone told me I could be, which became then an over-confidence as an Experience based on me being ‘opinionated’ and having ‘critical views’ on the world early on, which made me feel good when people would be amazed of my wits and knowledge and information, never really in myself even considering how what I was speaking about, was being actually lived and experienced in Reality by human beings that are also part of myself as everyone and everything that is here – which is how we have intellectualized reality instead of actually Understanding it in order to create a feasible way to change our living-ways and within this, promote an actual system-change.

 

I realize that my interest for the world matters was also in self interest for all of the above mentioned points: superiority, specialness, being ‘witty’ and system savvy wherein no real actual consideration of the lives of the people that I was generalizing with data and names and history was actually about. This is how once again, we are only able to intellectualize reality because of the protection and security that money is granting us, a select sector of the population that has been ‘gifted’ with the ability to have a dignified living, neglecting the majority that is out of our sight and only reduced to ‘world news’ of poverty, starvation, abuse, trafficking, animal extinction and wars that we see only as ‘interesting topics’ that will make us look like a person that Cares, but little did I even care to actually be and become a human being that understands the reasons and actual detail of why the lives of human beings have been neglected to such an extent that we’ve reduced Actual Lives to graphics, to GDP numbers and figures that in no way serve Life, in no way actually consider the living conditions of such people that are just forming parts of percentages, numbers and statistics that indicate an apparent growth or devaluation of life on Earth.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to never question how it was possible to have a ‘Devaluation’ of our currency which would be the same as ‘devaluing’ life in one way or another – within this, missing out all possible common sense that I could have considered if I had allowed myself to investigate further on  how money exists, and how money is created, and the actual laws and regulations that dictate our reality, but instead, only used such knowledge and information for my own personal benefit as a opinionated character, having some form of ‘criteria’ to speak about the world simply because of judging this as proper to educated and wealthy people. There you go, intellectualism exposed.

 

I Forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to hide the fact that my interest on world matters was actually only based on attaining/ hoarding knowledge and information as a synonym of money, wherein I would be planning already how ‘great’ I was going to be when having had a life of being informed on social matters, politics, trying to understand wall street and becoming a news junky just so that I could give lectures/ talks about my education, my ‘awareness’ of the problems of the world while gaining a name for myself as this type of ‘good being’ that would fight for social justice and a revolution,  without being self honest with myself to see how the starting point of this all was in self interest and not really caring about investigating the actual lives of the people I could be naming as general figures and numbers that we use in order to sound ‘cool’ and ‘intelligent,’ while neglecting even asking why such numbers and figures of poverty, starvation, war, crime, unemployment, rise of prices and any other act of corruption existed in the first place.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that exposing my selfish desires to ‘help the world’ would make me a ‘bad person’ not realizing that we have all been living lives masking our self interest with benevolence, goodness and ‘good will’ that has never in fact existed, as if it really had existed, we would have done something already about this world. Thus,

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to plan/ plot and project a life for myself based on being an ‘aware’ being, like the ultimate intellectual that could talk about all spheres of life in order to sound interesting, to even find a partner that could ‘fill in the gaps’ with more knowledge and information as an ‘intelligent being and socially aware – whatever such tag would in any way imply as ‘worthy’ to me – and a social-group of people that I could fit in based on my desires to have friends in elitist-intellectual positions as I deemed that to be ‘my spot’ within my life, and within this

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to admire, even idolize people that were these ‘examples’ in my life of what it was to read a ton of books, have huge libraries in their houses, collect art, have the ultimate sybarite lifestyle while being very aware of the system and talking about change while eating some form of delicacy with wine, which was the precise type of social reunions that I wanted to preserve in my life – and I repeat: while theorizing about the problems in the world, which is unacceptable.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value who a person is according to the education they have, the knowledge and information about ‘the world system’ that they have memorized, because of having created my own standards of intelligence based on knowledge and information placed ‘at the service of humanity,’ which is where the revolutionary-intellectual character exists, never realizing that within this, I was supporting the very cogwheels that make this wordl system turn wherein knowledge and information is valued more than life, wherein all money is valued more than life without understanding how there could be no money, no real value if there was no actual physicality that we could in any way put a price tag on, including ourselves as ‘knowledgeable beings’ that can sell such ‘wits’ within the academic and intellectual circles in the form of books, lectures and general elitist-status of social investigators that may propose a ton of ways to create a change in this world but never in fact even consider how to make it a reality as a process of Self Responsibility by the individuals, because all solutions were only looked at in the form of opposition, revolution and further criticism of the system without looking at the monetary system as the source and core of the problem that must be corrected and aligned in this world to support Life in Equality.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to also use this accumulation of knowledge and information to gain the tags that people would generally see me as ‘acculturated intelligent person’ which became part of my ‘steps toward success’ in this world system because of having done all the research and deliberate accumulation of knowledge and information for my own benefit, to seem like a good doer, revolutionary, future ‘leader’ of change in self interest. I see and realize that there could be no actual good intention the moment that I was using knowledge and information as a form of reputation that I could later on Sell to the same system I was trying to oppose. I realize that within this world system, I tis not not oppose it or retaliate against it and try and make a living out of doing so, but instead become part of the system, educate myself, support other’s education in order to recognize the fact that there is nothing to oppose, but to align, correct and direct to an outcome that is best for all.

 

I realize that whenever self interest as our own personal benefit is in place when trying and ‘do good’ to this world can only backfire as a self-deception that we have to take self responsibility for, and that it is not to be judged any further other than taking the necessary actions to align our lives and our dedication to understanding reality not as a way to abuse such knowledge and information for our own benefit, but to in fact self-forgive any remains of personal/ selfish interest about ‘changing the world’ / making a change and take the necessary actions to be self responsible which doesn’t exist ‘out there’ as some major reform in the system at the moment, it begins with our every seemingly ‘unimportant’ thoughts in our head whenever we place ourselves on top of others, whenever we want to be ‘right,’ whenever we want to have the ‘right answer’ all the time which is a point that is not indicating anything else but the desire to remain in a knowledgeable and righteous position that actually does a lot of harm upon reality, wherein intellectualism has become part of the general abstraction of reality into nice words and pictures to depict the reality, instead of actually investigating how Reality operates, why such people have been neglected, how our very own lives depend on their suffering and abuse and how our very worlds of elitist first world lifestyles are stemming from another’s endless laboring days in conditions that no knowledge and information can change in this world.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to see the desire of changing the world as a ‘noble act’ within our society that I had to attain to in order to be part of a select-renowned group of people as an artist or intellectual, or linguist or whatever that I could be and become in order to get my ‘big part of the cake’ while holding an image of a ‘good doer’ in my society, and be known and praised and recognized for that, without realizing to what extent I had simply then acted in self interest all the time and never really caring as the actual expression of what that word implies about the reality of the people and situations and events I was only reducing to long strips of words that were not lived at all.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to read people’s biographies as in revolutionary people, artists mostly  as examples of what I wanted to be and become and within this starting point of fame, recognition, getting to be part of history books, desire to get to the ‘top’ and be ‘superior’ within my society as knowledgeable person/ an intellectual of ‘the greatest kind’ wherein I learned how this type of recognition was an acceptable way of becoming rich/ wealthy while still holding on a façade of ‘activist’ as a ‘good doer.’ I realize that I deliberately neglected the absurdity and paradox I would have made of myself by becoming rich out of opposing the system and the lack of integrity that really exists in all our so-called intellectual spheres in this world, where it is very nice and simple to talk and talk and talk about the problems in this world, blame the government or any other institution and always avoiding seeing one’s own life and the decisions made based on wanting to obtain a point of benefit in absolute self interest.

 

I commit myself to continue writing the revolutionary-elitist character out, in order to see how even in what could be spotted as ‘good intentions’ there were actual greedy interests behind it, most likely wishing to succeed only at an individual level and forgetting about the actuality, the physicality the actual living conditions of the people that are reduced to numbers, stories, figures that are sold in books and lectures and further story-telling journalism without proposing an actual living solution that can Stop such abuse and negligence in humanity. I commit myself to establish the Equal Money System as the common sense that is necessary in this world, which can hold no specialness or hero-like action, this is about the reality that should have always been but were too busy satisfying/ satisFRYING our own egos.

 

This will continue

 

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211. Why is Life a Struggle? Why Can’t All be just HAPPY?

 
We’ve come to neglect the fact that it takes a single decision and agreement to enable a state of well being to all human beings. Any brainwashing propaganda saying ‘We Can’t’ must be categorized as a weapon of mind control , because throughout our investigations we’ve come to understand how it is through massive propaganda systems through the media, that the population ends up being Educated by TV, by Newspapers, by everything which has become part of the ‘collective unconscious’ without anyone being seemingly regulating such aspects that influence us all – is it really? Now, I’m not speaking about conspiracy theories here, it is to realize how we are all aware of how Self Interest as the desire for power/ money complicates everything, leading us from personal trivial desires to ascend/ escalate the ‘social ladder’ or justifying wars in the name of a so-called national defense while regurgitating words that keep the population fearing each other all the time, fearing ending up without any form of money and support, in essence: fearing that their own ‘life’ is able to be turned off in no time.

 

Watch documentaries:  The Power Principle |

 

What Happens when we Don’t give to each other what we would like for ourselves as a basic form of ‘protection and security’ that is always sought by a human being that stems from the preprogrammed design of surviving and essentially, doing all it can to continue living, even if that means killing or consuming everything on his path? This is the history of our human civilization – do we have the power to change it? Of course, we just have to agree that there are basic conditions that we all require to give and receive in Equality in order to live Well*

I can attest how the moment one suddenly has no such security as owning your house – even on ‘paper – having enough money to have your ‘usual treats’ or any other vainglory that money brings, one is faced with an uncanny experience that I had never had before in my lifetime back then – since I was 8-10 years old when it happened – and it’s what one would call Depression, no distinct to how the crisis in Capitalism is also dubbed as ‘Depression’ and it only exists as an energetic experience of having little to no energy/ money which causes an emotional state of ‘Depression’ which is simply having a seemingly ‘negative experience’ of anxiety, distress, worry, concern, apathy and general diminishment of your ‘self-esteem’ a.k.a. not getting your happy-meal so to speak to continue escalating in the social standards in society.

Why have we even allowed Lack of Money to be a regular condition in this world?
Why have we never questioned poverty and ‘depressions’ as an actual disease that must be cured at the root/ source of the problem, which in all cases is the current monetary system?
Why have we only managed to ‘mitigate’ the problems that affect us ALL and Con.Form to what is presented as temporary solutions to a lack of money – such as further Debt that sounds like Death wherein you end up rolling on your payroll like a shroud wherein all that is left of you is a piece of flesh and bones that forgot about itself and always sought life, but never lived.

 

The reason Why we are doing this is because we have neglected each other as Equals – hence it is a matter of Education, it is a matter of being willing to step out of the brainwashing that is constant in our society which is nothing else but the sum total of individuals seeking to fulfill their own interest. Call it ‘making a living,’ I call it collective agreement to abuse each other as Life and must be Stopped.

 

Throughout these blog series I’ve investigated my own process of forming and linking the idea of well being, happiness, success to Money and I’ve titled it as the Elitist Character which is the inherent pattern we’ve acquired the moment that we live in this world and learn that only through money we can satisfy ourselves in all aspects – whether it’s the usual love/relationships, business/job and personal spiritual endeavors or simply having the ability to hoard money due to belonging to a certain bloodline-lineage that enables you to have the ‘Time of your life’ from the moment you are born.

For the rest of us mortals, we have to simply try and attempt to Succeed as in Sucking out the Life essence o the seed that gives life, following dreams of ‘someday Finally making it’ and spending the rest of our days literally ‘dying to live’ – why is this so? and why is it that the moment that we lack money and we are unable to have a proper living condition and/or meet our usual ‘treats’ that only a few people can afford in this world in fact, we are subsumed into what is called a ‘Negative Experience’ which is similar to the ‘lower vibrations’ that people on  Heaven would define the demon dimension to be like, never realizing the abuse that such standard of ‘heavenly experience’ meant for the Earth and human beings in it (Research: Demons in the Afterlife) The World is in Reverse –and yes, ‘the world is a vampire,’ Billy Corgan, however I would mostly say the Human’s been a vampire serving other greater vampires that have become our regular Empires that will kill and destroy as long as some form of bliss can be obtained from it – isn’t that gory? How we’ve neglected GLORY as the Victory over others through going on a killing spree without any form of mercy?

Why have we even accepted the fact that ‘life is a struggle/ life is a fight’ which takes me back to the motto of the Jesuit school I went to: Militia est Vita – yeah, Loyola was a soldier and suddenly saw himself maimed and enlightened with some form of godliness to predicate well being on mankind, did he have to Suffer in order to get such Godly predicament? Points to ponder, not to mention that his legacy  continued throughout  Jesuit schools that are meant to ‘shape leaders’ in this world are anything but affordable for the most of population.

To correct and redirect the title of this blog which is a common misconception in our lexicon: Life is not a Struggle, it is Us human beings that have made it a Struggle through the acceptance and allowance of the current world system ‘as is.’ Time for a Revolution? No, time to first debunk our own brainwashing through Writing, Applying and Living Self Forgiveness In Self Honesty – that’s the key to massive liberation from the drive-thru lifestyle behavior and start Valuing that which is REAL as Life, as the Physical.

 

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to never question why it is that I suddenly felt sad and worried all the time as a constant experience only by knowing that we had financial troubles and within this, taking it personal to the level of believing that It would be a solution for them – my parents – not having to pay for my food and education, making it then an entire out of proportion desire to not exist as a fleeting solution in order to ‘wash away’ the worry and concern that I was witnessing in my father, never really considering how it is that in fact it would have only brought further problems.

I realize that people committing suicide due to financial problems are taking the easy way out apparently, and see no way to solve the problem – however, there is no way we can escape this world and reality for we will continue coming back into this Earth, and there is no way that one can accept the fact that the future of this world remains locked into a certain self-destructive mode as it is currently, and I also realize that this depends on us, human beings, being willing to step up and Take Responsibility, because if there is something that is neglected at all times throughout our lives whenever we ‘flirt’ with any desire to give up or even ‘leave the Earth’ as in committing suicide, we are deliberately denying and neglecting the responsibility that we all hold toward this world and ourselves as individuals that have accepted and allowed the current world system of debt as the only way to ‘make money,’ instead of agreeing altogether to establish a system that will Provide for All Beings Equally

It is already quite clear that we are running only from actually doing all we can in order to establish a solution that will be permanent, and will become the new living-phase of us as humanity for the first time on Earth, since all we have been thus far, is nothing else but slaves serving a greater ‘God’- either metaphorically speaking as in Religions and Spirituality – or literally as the Money that gives us such bliss and joy on Earth.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into extensive fear as a child about losing our house, losing ‘my safety and protection’ and within this, becoming unstable in my personal experience due to believing that having no money meant being close to death and that was it, close to living in poverty as the poor people that I would actually Fear becoming and living on the streets with them and eating what they ate and having to beg for money in order to survive.

I realize that this is the reality of fellow human beings that are HERE in this world as myself, and that the only barrier that divides me from realizing myself As Them, is the mind that I have cultivated in order to always seek to benefit me-me-me and never consider the reality of myself as the totality of who and what I am as One and Equal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to generate an emotional experience of sadness, worry, concern, anxiety and fear generally when hearing about us not having much money and having our house owned by the bank for a moment which to me felt like suddenly descending from heaven into hell and even though my reality didn’t drastically change, the sheer fact of knowing that ‘We don’t have much money’ became a very bitter phase of my life to go through, wherein I simply desired to  have the nightmare be over, go back to our ‘happy go round’ lives of having money – at least enough to be ‘happy’ – and that was it. However, it was quite a road out  of that huge bump on the road wherein I then became that same instability and inferiority that I cultivated due to not having had enough money at that time to satisfy my desires imprinted and acquired mostly by the media, by wanting to have what my friends had (see 201. Friends of Convenience: for a little piece of Heaven) and as such, believing that I was certainly ‘less than them’ due to not having as much money as they did.

 

When and as I see myself defining who I am according to the amount of money that I have or I don’t have, and creating a negative experience/ positive experience for either occasion, I stop and I breathe. I realize that money should only be a means to Live and have the necessary to have a dignified living – and this means, becoming part of the solution through my own living self-agreement and consideration of supporting myself as life and others equally to step out of the selfish-act of survivalism as the actual point of mind control it represents

 

I commit myself to expose how we can all in fact assist and support each other to establish a world system that can be implemented by the sheer realization that who we are as life is and has always been Here, and that it is the human aspect that has become the very weapon of mass destruction as the imposition of a system that functions upon the abuse of life.

 

I commit myself for Life to stop this carnage, the strain, the worry and constant threat of having no money the next day to live, as I see and realize that the experience of each other is invariably creating the reality that we All Live in. It is impossible to ignore this.

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—- it is not over yet.

 

 

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I ate myself while trying to be Happy (2012)

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209. Successful Living = Capitalist Brainwash

Continuing with the Elitist Character

 

Continuing with Self Forgiveness begun in the last post 208. Doing Good as Positive Credit-Rewards

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to want to emulate the people throughout history that have been quite famous/ recognized in terms of creating a revolution, creating massive movements to oppose a particular system and within that, create a ‘name’ for myself and glorify myself within it wherein I was willing to live by the rule of ‘the cause justifies the means’ and in that, become someone of/ with power/ influence in the world, not realizing how this was pursued due to the positive experience as a form of  desire to suit my interests/ my own benefit, and within this place more emphasis on the rewards I would get than the actual cause/ work to be done, which I saw it as a weakness that could be a certainty if I allowed myself to be dishonest – which even now I see could only exist if I would still be fooled by the mirage one is able to buy with money and call that a ‘successful living’ and make it as if all the neglect toward all life within that was not relevant, which is something one cannot turn a blind eye on any longer.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define power/ money/ wealth as something quite tempting at some stage when I was able to taste an inkling of what that could be like, and enjoying the energy, the attention, the recognition, the comfort, the luxuries, the preferential treat that I would be able to experience as an energetic experience of ‘feeling good’ within me, linking this to a justified happiness because I was willing to play the role in the game – so to speak – of standing in a leadership position of whatever I would have to do and within that, still hold dearly to my own personal interest of escalating social positions and being ‘at the top,’ without realizing that all leaders, all people ‘at the top’ end up mostly being corrupted by the power that such ‘top’ means – thus this is a matter of self honesty wherein I simply desired to be that person/ that role due to the power such position would bring as a form of social recognition instead of actually using that position to get to a point of absolute self-directive will, wherein one has the ability to support as many beings as possible to equalize and dignify the lives of all, which is definitely what is required to be done in this world.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore how anyone that has stood up in the past in order to create a change in this world, has been exterminated, decimated, ostracized or punished wherein I realize that the way is then not to oppose the system, but stand within it and also within this, realizing how any position of power would only exist if there is a way to continue perpetuating such ‘power’ which is through money and money is the point of abuse in itself. I realize that all the ‘good things’ that one has linked to money is mostly existing as an incentive to continue perpetuating the current sense of ‘freedom’ and ‘liberty’ that we’ve been brainwashed to link to any form of social-progress in/as capitalism, while in fact, all of the things that one can buy and consume with money/ power, is the product of abuse, the product of slavery, the product of the rape of the Earth, which I am not willing to support and give further attention as an incentive to move in this world.

 

I realize that it is mostly impossible for me to now link any form of power  as wealth/ more money than the majority as an equivalent of abuse and as such, we can only direct all money to fund a cause that will enable Life to be recognized as the only value in this world. This means, using money to finalize money as a world system of exchange of abuse and make-believe values – and instead, transform Money into Equal Money wherein we can all realize to what extent we have imposed our own separation as an energetic experience onto this world and our own physical bodies, which is how we have created money as a set of make-believe values that have only a point of reference and understanding within our minds, according to the values we have given to ourselves and everything in separation of ourselves, creating relationships of Energy instead of realizing our Equality and Oneness as Life.

 

I realize that a form of directive will must exist in order to stand as an example of what it is to deal with what is considered ‘power’ at the moment and not get lost by it. This implies at all times realizing the reason and principle I stand by as Life, which is immovable as the constant and consistent breath that is the real and only power that I can exist as, which means, the real power I have is here as myself as my physical body and every moment of breath that I commit myself to dedicate myself to establish a way to Learn how to Live in this world as Equals.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to harbor these images of experiences in my past wherein I saw what it would be like to have lots of money and be in a position of recognition by many, as something that I enjoyed at an egotistical level, without even looking at the reality that is here as the majority that is certainly having no access to any form of luxury or ‘preferential treat’ and comfort that money brings – thus

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be enticed by an experience of ‘wealth’ as comfort/ benefits/ preferential treat, as this experience that I wanted to have for the rest of my life, which is how I came to understand how rich people actually experience themselves when having it all, and within that, having it very easy to get lost within the benefits that one get with and while having money which is in fact so if one neglects reality and loses perspective of it while being high on the experience of money.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to learn how to ‘aim high’ as a constant ad-vice in my life, wherein my abilities and capabilities were being envisioned toward positions and careers wherein I would be able to get ‘the most money’ and the moment that I opted for a career wherein ‘the most money’ was not a certainty, was from the starting point of ‘spiting the system’ that I had desired to conquer  at first. I realize that all extremes are just forms of self sabotage, because  when I was aiming for my ultimate desires of fame/ fortune and when I went into an absolute denial of money/ this system, I was only still seeking to satisfy what seemed ‘right’ and ‘wrong’ to me, based on morals that were construed by my own preference of ‘who I wanted to be’ based on a certain character in society, which in the end or the last one was getting to be a famous person that could speak and change the world while still remaining in a certain position of power and recognition, just like sociologists, linguists, political analysts or even financial advisors would do.

 

I realize that the only acceptable direction that I can give myself is to use what I am able and capable of and direct it to an outcome that will benefit all beings equally, and that there is no ‘true satisfaction’ within ‘having it all’ because all of such ‘things/ pleasures/ luxuries’ are the product of our current world system wherein there can be no wealth without abuse, which is what we are mostly unaware of when owning things and not seeing the entire process that are involved for it all to be these sellable items that we are able to acquire/buy in stores.  I realize that when looking at all ideas of wealth/ power/ money, I was never taught about the actual process that it takes to create such forms of  ‘wealth’ and why exactly they were valued as such. I realize that I lived my life deliberately not wanting to look at the ‘ugly aspect’ of everything that I would be able to buy/ consume, because of ‘feeling bad’ about it – but, within this self-manipulation process, I then turned a blind eye to that which is the foundation to any form of power, which is enslavement and abuse of that which I am one and equal to as well.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be enticed by the roles that I would see on the TV by people that had throughout history, apparently, trying to ‘make a change’ in this world and still be having fun, still be famous, rich wealthy – or the direct opposite with people like Gandhi that lead me to think that maybe I had to ‘give it all up’ – I realize that both extremes are just not workable, are not practical either and that the only acceptable way is to establish a relationship with money in a way that I don’t see it as a form of ‘power/ wealth’ but as a means to establish that which will enable the actual benefit for all beings in a constant and consistent manner.

 

I realize that money – just as anything else in my reality – must be equalized within me in order to not be moved by any form of ‘desire for more’ to become my incentive within reality. I realize that money is a means to establish a world system that will be best for all – and as such, we can only buy and consume what we require to live and direct it to fund the solution that will be sustainable as best for all in the long run. Any form of greed within ourselves is mostly stemming from how we were educated to always seek for more/ want more/ escalate the social ladder more and more. This implies that, who we have become as the result of having capitalist diapers so to speak, is the desire for more, the linkage of happiness to consumerism, to buying and accumulation of wealth/ saving as our purpose in life, when Life has Nothing to do with that, nor happiness can be linked to any form of benefit that only stands within the constrains of a system that only allows a fraction of the population to aspire such ‘happiness’- state.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to link luxuries, comfort, preferential treat, specialness, exclusivity as aspects that I aimed to get in my life due to how I was educated to get to a position of power and within that, ‘satisfy’ myself/ my life and ‘accomplish’ many things that would be ‘praised’/ recognized/ highly rewarded with money as a sign of success, which is why I ended up despising money – apparently – and revolting toward all the expectations built toward me, to the point where I am now wherein I am not satisfying my design/ life path and instead, veering toward a best for all outcome, which is precisely deliberately stating that any form of satisfaction that I sought was a selfish act of self-indulgence in the benefits/ treatment that money represents within the system for my own personal glory. I realize that the primary personalities I have built as myself have money as foundation, have a desire for recognition as foundation and a desire to be ‘more’ as foundation.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to build the entirety of who I am according to a future projection of having a lot of money/ being in a position of power and recognition as the motive/ motor of my life. This is how today, I realize that I must move myself as a physical being, as the recognition of who I really am as life – and that has nothing to do with consciousness as money as a driving force for further energy. Who I am as breath is consistent and constant and there is nothing that can ‘beat’ that,  as it is what is real. I realize that money and the current perceived power is the result of our collective negligence and brainwash accepted as ‘world system.’ I realize that the moment that we understand money as consciousness, there is no way we can be ‘moved’ by it, as it represents the gateway to further experiences that can only be existent as mind-experiences of so called happiness,, bliss, enjoyment, fulfillment – all of them only existent as energies built with energies and energy is the result of the entire friction and separation from ourselves as life that we have been and become until this day, which means: the abuse of ourselves as life.

 

This is how only through equalizing money will we veer our eyes to look at that which is real, that which has Always been here but we ‘agreed’/ a-greed  to cover up with further ideas of wealth/ power/ benefits within a system that allowed such delusions as something acceptable and real and even more so, linked to ‘positivity’ without understanding a single thing of how all things ‘positive’ came to be within our existence –

 

Thus – I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see how every single desire that I had for ‘more,’ for ‘wealth’ within society was based on the collective acceptance of wealth as something positive, as a synonym of happiness and as such, believe that I had to conquer the world in order to be the most successful no matter what – without realizing that in such desire life was never part of my consideration, nor were any other beings involved within it, nor was any acknowledgement of the world’s situation taken into consideration or was deliberately side-viewed to create a personality that would be ‘acceptable’ such as the character of doing ‘something good’ for humanity – but at the same time, having and obtaining all the benefits that I believed would come with it.  I realize that this energetic imprint was gotten from all those bits of moments of benefits, luxury, comfort, special treatment within my life that became these bits of heaven that I sought to re-enact throughout my life through people, through situations and in this, reducing life to a mere experience at an energetic level, reducing life to a file of positive-experiences that I could then use as a testimony of ‘having had a good life.

 

I realize that these experiences are only created in my mind – and that are only real as the illusion that I accepted and allowed myself to believe was real in such moments of experiencing what it was to have money/ benefits in this reality.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to conveniently and systematically save these desires ‘for later’ and hiding them as if they were ‘not important’ within me and my process due to seeing the entire experience as something that wasn’t relevant within my life, apparently, not realizing how when opening up the point, the desire to have that became quite an ingrained aspect of ‘who I am’ as a personality in itself that I became unaware of, seeking to become someone to get that amount of money and benefits.

 

I realize that all my desire to hide myself, to not be seen, to seclude and isolate myself at some point in my life, was essentially due to me not getting  what I wanted/ my ‘dreams’ come true and as such, I am aware of the extremist nature that I have played out, wherein I want it all or non and within this, when it comes to being patient for a point to develop, I simply get desperate and ‘give up,’ believing it won’t work, without ever having had enough patience to stand as the constant and persistent breath to allow something to develop, to work on something that will have a ‘fruitful outcome’ as the accumulation of the effect of constant and consistent work on something.

 

I realize that the conditions within our world have lead us to only ‘move’ if there is some form of benefit in the way, however, when one realizes that the ‘pay’ for such movement can only be money, and money is the point that we are here to reform/ change and align to a best for all outcome, I cannot possibly be moved by the same abuse that I am standing up to expose and reform, as well as realizing that once one decides to live by a principle, there is no way you can fool yourself and have a ‘peace of mind’ about it while knowing that your intentions are others – that simply cannot exist when one is aligning the totality of who one is as one and equal because in that, any form of power is an immediate dishonesty and self-deception of course.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to even create a double headed ‘me’ wherein toward others in my life wherein I would be presenting myself as an ‘anti-system’ person, a detractor of capitalism – yet in the inside still waiting to have the same kind of benefits I would witness were able to be obtained even by being a detractor of capitalism – which is through positions of academicism and intellectuals that were and are still doing this.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to desire the lives of the sociologists and political analysts, economists and historians that I met throughout my life, creating the inherent desire to be like them with all the knowledge, all the understanding of the system and getting great money to live in my ‘dream-like way’ with things that I learned were ‘acceptable’ to have and own in my reality, while being in a position of ‘opposing capitalism.’ I realize that these seemingly ‘unimportant’ aspects of my past became pillars for me to direct my life to be and become a particular character that could justify wealth/ power while apparently ‘standing up’ for a change in the system, which was mostly desiring to make money within the system out of opposing it through theory, through art, through knowledge and information as I became aware many people does.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire a sybarite type of lifestyle, the same type of lifestyle that I got to be aware of from mostly intellectuals I met in my life experience, which made it an acceptable way to become rich/ powerful/ be recognized for doing ‘something’ to ‘save the world/ change the system’ while having a top luxurious home, a top luxurious type of ‘organic lifestyle’ and related types of businesses – mostly in the cultural aspect of society – that I became aware of as a possibility for me to remain as a ‘good person’ at the eyes of society, while benefitting from the money in capitalism just as the most self-proclaimed capitalist supporter would do.

 

I see and realize that there is no way to mask ourselves trying to play the ‘good character’ at the eyes of others, when the desires behind such character were the same as anyone else that would be openly willing to abuse to get the most benefit out of money/ power/ wealth – because I see and realize that as long as money becomes a driving force in itself for personal interest = there is a problem and lack of integrity and within this, a deliberate act of ignorance and or negligence toward the understanding of how money operates in this world.

I realize that the only sane way to direct our money is to support ourselves to continue doing what we are doing as Desteni and the Equal Money System, which is the unique platform within this world that promotes a world system change based on principles that stand for All Life Equally beginning with Self-Education  – thus there cannot be ay form of self interest in a selfish mode within this – it can only be directed as and by principle – and in this I absolutely trust myself as being able and capable of living this, because I am aware of how futile it would be to ‘fall’ for something that is as ephemeral as money, as make-believe as money, as the actual nonsense that money has become when it comes to adding a certain value to what is here and a positive experience stemming from that which is of this Earth in order to establish a form of control to it. It is Unacceptable and quite delusional from us human beings to not see how we have dug our own grave due to giving money the power of ‘god’ that doesn’t exist but only through the self-righteousness to abuse the reality that is here in the name of success and happiness as an acceptable way to abuse the world and each other.

 

I commit myself to live and realize the dedication to life exists here in every breath and any other form of distraction from what is here as the simplicity of life, is capitalist brainwash, is familial brainwash, is ingrained patterns that I have accepted and allowed myself to become as my mind. I assist and support myself to bring myself back to breath as the physical every time that I experience a ‘longing’ for something ‘more’ than myself here in the moment, as that which is real and who I really am, as ALL that is Here as Life.

 

I commit myself to expose how money is the product of the knowledge and information we have imposed onto life – and as such, we are directly responsible and capable of aligning money to a best for all equation that dignifies Life in reality for all beings.

 

I commit myself to expose wealth/ power as the actual evil they represent within this current world system, which is conveniently being sugar coated to neglect the actual processes behind such wealth.

 

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207. Changing the World in Self Interest

 

Continuation of the Elite Character – Self Interest when wanting to ‘Change the World’

 

Now from the personal interests and keeping ourselves in a position of current benefits, we jump to also another aspect of self interest which, as I had explained in the previous blogs, has to do with an inherent desire to get to a position of power/ recognition by becoming some form of libertarian to society, while earning money and living quite ‘well’ within the system – not to mention how I would mostly be only speaking about it but not doing anything practical about it. This is the substantial aspect that we can all still see around us: many people becoming ‘aware’ of change and wanting to ‘change the world’ but how much of that awareness is in fact practical to do create a tangible physical reality that can be best for all? Only by promoting social equality or justice within the context of my understanding back then would have lead to another revolution wherein further conflicts ensue without any actual change that would lead to a realization of how it is that Money is the current point that is required to be changed/ reformed in order to establish any form of change in this world. I was only looking at governments back then, people in it, and all the entire world-system as just some type of ‘evil’ that I was absolutely a victim of. This is where the trick resides here, how we have always separated ourselves from the responsibility of what is here and rejoiced in being able to point fingers and even Drive other beings to become aware at the same level of opposition and lead them to further ways to ‘escape the system,’ of which I am also responsible for and have walked in self forgiveness throughout my process, because I also led people to further irresponsibility and opposition within my apparent ‘clarity’ about reality, which was, once again, only stemming from my desire to place myself as this righteous benevolent person that wanted to change the world and bring ‘social justice’ while neglecting my own responsibility within it. How easy, isn’t it?

In reality, we have realized it cannot possibly as easy as that, it cannot possibly be just a matter of ‘letting things run  its course’ and be asking for change while even desiring to get further recognition for being a ‘voice for the people,’ while maintaining our own benefits and being deliberately oblivious to how we were ‘good for fighting’ against the system, but not at all even being aware of how our own self-interest was still stemming from not being willing to give up our ‘little bits of heaven’ in order to dedicate our lives to an actual change, because we weren’t even aware of what that implies.

 

So, this is how at Desteni we are aware that social, political and economical change is required in order for the World to change – and that cannot exist if there is no Education for human beings in order to realize to what extent the configuration of this reality – including the ‘opposition’- was part of a greater scheme of enslavement of which we are all equally participants of by the sheer fact of being here. This implies that the first step is taking Self Responsibility of what we have accepted and allowed ourselves to be and become and within that, become part of a group that promotes Self Responsibility in order to establish an actual change and reform to the current system, while realizing that it is not about ‘opposing it’ nor spiritualizing the entire process to a heavenly experience of ‘self change’ either – it is rather a realization of practical steps and considerations that one must be absolutely willing to walk as an Understanding and Realization of what must be done, instead of it being just another activity to make oneself feel ‘better’ or ‘good’ or aim to get to some ‘higher position’ within society, which would absolutely go against everything that we stand for which is Equality as Life, as physical beings that decide to stand up and take responsibility.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ever think that wanting to ‘change the world’ was going to be a nice, blissful type of experience wherein I would be able to maintain all my benefits and even earn ‘more’ by promoting ‘change’ in this world, which is the entire personality of how I wanted to obtain some form of reward/ benefit from doing something ‘good’ to society, which reveals to what extent we have never been self-willed beings but have only regurgitated the same words and desires to ‘do something’ about reality, but never even questioning why we, people with certain amount of money, were wanting to do some ‘change’ just by promoting it, without understanding how the system works and how the actual change entails money and entails a process of participation within the system, not outside of it.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to desire ‘world change’ and expecting it to just ‘happen’ by a sudden realization of ourselves human beings being willing to just ‘do something about the world/ ourselves’ which was quite an ignorant desire from my side, mostly relying on an spiritual type of agenda that I also participated in, wherein I believed that somehow everything would be aligned to a ‘wonderful outcome’ in the end, and this relying on how brainwashed I had always been to believe that ‘in the end everything will be just fine,’ becoming a comfortable belief-system and ‘certainty’ within me in order to just continue pursuing my own position of promoting ‘change’ but never even looking at the actual root/cause of the problem in this world system, which is Money.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to create an entire character within myself of becoming an opposition to ‘the Elite’ once that I realized my own position and the self interest that I was living in, without realizing that I never actually stopped being part of the people that have enough money to eat and be educated – thus, I only ‘changed my mind’ about money, but I never changed my actual understanding of how it is that money works, how it is that no matter how much I pretended to ‘care’ about others as long as I remained oblivious to myself, my own self-change as an actual introspection and investigation of my life to see where and how I could in fact contribute to a world-change based on what’s best for all, I simply was projecting a desire to ‘change others’ / the world without having to look at myself, because that would mean then that I was in fact not ‘right’ and within my own mind: I was absolutely ‘right’ about what I was aiming to do and be/ become, neglecting the fact that I was also absolutely responsible for everything that I was pointing fingers at within this world, while still remaining under the protective shadow of having enough money to live well and still manage to criticize the system with no further solutions other than opposing it and ‘asking for change’ to the ‘authorities.’

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect things to always work out ‘just fine’ in the end when embarking myself within a process of becoming an antagonist and opposition toward the world system, wherein I essentially would only take pride of being an ‘aware being’ and ‘not being brainwashed,’ developing a constant anger toward society, media, people in general, without realizing that the actual point of change and real awareness that I was missing was myself, first realizing how I am equally responsible for this world which is ludicrous but, I never even considered how I was responsible for this entire world’s situation and that me and my desires to ‘change the world’ were coming and existing from the self-righteous belief that I had nothing to do with ‘what is going on in this world’ and that I was only a ‘victim’ of it, without realizing how this became my own protective mechanism from realizing how we have all contributed to the current state of the world by the mere fact of existing, by the mere fact of using money and by the mere fact of believing that we had some ‘higher purpose’ in life and that my ‘higher purpose’ was linked to becoming ‘aware’ and be the ‘world changer’ personality, from the starting point of opposing the system, not realizing that I am in fact one and equal As the system and that the system is ourselves.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to change the world from the perspective of the Enlightened Self Interest, wherein ‘in the end’ I would also get a higher position after such apparent ‘world change’ which is the motivation that I had been conditioned to follow through as part of the entire process of ‘getting to a higher position in society’ while wearing a ‘world peace’ banner in my mind in order to justify the means to my projected ‘success’ as in doing it for a ‘good cause,’ which in the end is no different to any other job/ position that is intending to ‘do well’ and most likely only remain as a ‘promoter’ instead of an active participant within the system, working on a solution that will certainly not allow further elitism in society or any other vainglory form of personalized benevolence but only the realization that we can only thrive as humanity when all beings are equally supported. That implies that:

 

I commit myself to walk the process of realizing how any form of world change cannot contain any form of individual self interest to get to a ‘higher position’ at all, as that would obviously imply that only the same system that allows such ‘superiority’ would be reinforced with another mask of ‘change’ – an actual consideration and actions toward world change imply doing it from the starting point of realizing how we are one whole as one organism that can only continue living if we regard all parts/ all beings as equals – this implies then that only equal positions in society can exist wherein all people are equally supported with money to live, with education to understand how we can all practically become self-responsible beings and within this, understanding how money can only be valued as life in order to maintain such well being in society, wherein a form of sickness/unbalance to the organism can only exist if one single part is desiring to get ‘more’ than the other part, which is then another form of Self Abuse that must be understood as such and not any longer as Success which is how we’ve been currently brainwashed to think ‘power’ is.

 

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206. Self Sabotage Is Self Interest

When our preferences as likes and dislikes become an obstacle to self-change and leading us to a position wherein we will be most effective, we must know: we are Still Mind Controlled.

 

Continuation of the Elite Character – Self Interest when wanting to ‘Change the World’

 

I’m continuing with the point of Self Interest and this time, I got cool perspectives from Mr. Anu – I am aware I can get to an extreme point of wanting to just ‘give it all away’ and almost deny to myself these ‘bits of heaven’ that we have left in our world without which, I agree with Mr. Anu here, we would go insane quite fast. So, what I see mostly in terms of for example, my current ‘lifestyle’ – ‘all I can say is that my life is pretty plain.’ Obviously this ‘simplicity’ is backed up by having enough money to buy food whenever I require it and pay for the rent/ services and the occasional treat, which is not so much buying physical stuff any more, but maybe going somewhere in the city every now and then or paying for my coffee, nuts, stuff that is not absolutely necessary to live, but that I consider are my bits of heaven – if you wanna call it that.

 

So, what I will be walking in self forgiveness are the points of Self Interest that I actually reviewed after I wrote my blog yesterday, and noticed a desire to be in a position of power/ leadership  so, what I’ll be doing is walking this desire and placing it through common sense. This position obviously is directly linked to the ‘elitist character’ wherein even if I was aiming at/ wanting to create a change in this world, I was not fully willing to give up my personal interests and ‘position’ in society. If I could guess the pattern that I have lived throughout my lives based on what I see within myself is being a dissident in society that would end up aspiring being in a ‘powerful’ position to create a change/ revolution in this world, but in the end, missing out the personal relationships aspect, ending up depressed or mostly discouraged and alienated from society, as that point of powerlessness is definitely something that has remained as the primary aspect of – also – Self Interest wherein I go into a giving-up mode and see it all as a ‘lost cause’ without realizing that it is just me in my mind making it all seem bleak and impossible, without even having actually placed into application my own realizations and be within the system fully to test this out for myself.

 

Thus, I am aware what type of weaknesses there are and these are also self-interest because at the moment it’s not like I’m living in a wondrous place safe and healthy place with luxuries, lol no – so to me giving up stuff would mean like giving up the weather that I so enjoy or giving up the ability to buy some peanuts that are quite cheap, or buy gourmet coffee from an expert, giving up going out for walks alone before night time and having a relative stable life with not so much money to squander, not so much ‘conflict’ either apparently. Would I want this to remain like this for longer? Not really, I’ve had two years and a half of it and I’d say it’s enough. So, my self interest is then more veered to that, keeping myself in a position wherein I am not living to my fullest potential yet because there has been an inherent polarity conflict of wanting to remain ‘in the background’ and then at times wanting to also be a spear head and some type of leader  – lol, so all about recognition and non-recognition as a relationship in terms of ‘who I am’ and what I’ll be doing in my life.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow me to limit myself and my every day living and actually directing me to a position in which I can in fact support me and become more effective and stable within my reality- not only for myself, but for others as well-  due to all the points that I have linked to self interest in the place where I am at the moment, wherein it is a comfortable ‘stagnant’ situation of limited ‘treats’ and limited or no-luxury at all in order to also create an attempt to ‘redeem’ myself from my past interests in having a ‘good life,’ which I see is the polarity point of almost wanting to ‘punish’ myself for everything that I desired in the past, which doesn’t make sense as who I am at the moment cannot be determined by what I desired in the past as fame, fortune/money and having a general luxurious lifestyle that I programmed myself to want to experience from the time when I was a little girl.

 

When and as I see myself wanting to remain in a limited position in my life in order to ‘prove’ to myself that I can be alone/ without much luxury, I stop and I breathe – I realize that limitation is linked to a point of punishment or wanting to ‘redeem’ myself from a point of desiring a ‘good life’ in my past and as such, I cannot continue defining who I am at the moment based on the desires of the past as that would mean wanting to ‘make up for’ what is already gone and done. Thus, I direct myself to realize that the limitations and comfort perceived is only what is comfortable at a mind level and that what matters is to place myself in a physical position wherein I am most effective in this process that I am walking and committing myself to live for, which implies actually taking on full responsibilities and pushing myself to be more effective at everything that I do, determining myself and my life to be and become what is best for all.

 

I realize in the end it becomes an actual point of satisfaction when directing myself to do what I am required to do and walk it effectively and this is something that I have ‘forgotten’ about simply because when participating in the mind, we seek positions within our reality that will mostly satisfy only our personalities our likes and dislikes and essentially a point of constant conflict that the mind is most likely benefitting itself from – listen to the Quantum Mind Series  for that /chapters 26/27 – and that is what I see is currently the obstacle that I’ve created for myself in my reality, a point of self interest to remain in a conflictive situation instead of actually dedicating ourselves to a position wherein we are able to support each other to create a world that is livable for generations to come.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that the sense of powerlessness or apathy that runs through from every now and then is still allowing me to be demotivated by myself as the mind, instead of focusing on the reality as the consistency that we are walking here as within this process sand that I see, realize and understand won’t ever give us a ‘positive kick’ as an energetic experience about my apparent ‘preferences,’ but that this is the actual self-willed movement that is a matter of principles and when living by principles of doing and committing ourselves to that which is best for all within the current state we are living in this world, will seem like really slow and walking almost in a futile way, yet, the reality is that this process is walked bit by bit, person by person and it must begin with ourselves. It doesn’t really matter how much it takes as I have explained to myself before how it’s not about what I get to live in this lifetime, but that I ensure that I play my part/ contribute with the ‘cause’ which in the end is ourselves as well, as we are all as one and equal and living this process for the betterment of all beings here and the world in itself, which is actually something that should not even require a motivation to do, but simply a single self-realization decision that cannot involve further energetic experiences once that we understand how such energy as positive or negative experiences, has become the very problem in this world, wherein we have only regarded how we ‘FEEL’ about reality/ our lives, instead of focusing on the physical matters that require immediate attention and will never be fixed by us feeling good or bad about it, but requires actual processes of education and correction at an individual and collective level.

 

When and as I see myself being trapped in the self interest of apathy, dullness and powerlessness toward the process we’re walking. I stop and I breathe. I realize that I am making up excuses in my mind to not move based on getting an experience about our process of self-correction only to give-into the  mind again, which is then an entire mechanism of self-manipulation. Thus, I direct myself to physically direct myself to continue with the tasks, points at hand that I am taking responsibility for and ensure that I remain here as breath – breath by breathe until I am stable here, self directive without any ‘background experience’ defining ‘who I am’ in the moment.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see how my own self-sabotage to not move is also based on self-interest due to wanting to remain having the ability to get my ‘bits of heaven’ such as the positive experience that I have linked to the weather in this country and the cheap prices to buy things that I like like nuts and coffee, or getting the occasional luxuries at my parents house, which implies one thing: I am preventing myself from moving just because of these small moments, tiny experiences that I have created as a positive thing in my reality and based on that, creating an excuse as to why I don’t want to move, which is ludicrous yet the most ingrained aspect that I simply overlooked because of deliberately not wanting to see how it is ‘the small things’ that I have used as an excuse to not move. Within this

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘minimize’ my self interest to ‘petty unimportant things’ without realizing to what extent I was actually being moved by my desire to remain in an ‘non-changing ‘ position due to having linked ‘change’ to a point of distress and anxiety in the past. Pain!

 

When and as I see myself using excuses such as ‘pain’ and distress and anxiety when considering all that must be required to be done, I stop and I breathe – I realize that this is part of the mechanisms wherein I blow things out of proportion in the mind and pulling out memories of experiences to justify my current experience toward a future projection point which is not really acceptable at all, because it’s all being created at a mind level.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use self sabotage as a way to remain within my self-interested position which is really linked to my preferences as likes for a certain weather which I must be brutally honest is linked to fall and winter here, being able to buy coffee, going out for walks – as I see and realize that my point of self interest is really only a Mind-fixation that is in no way even something that ‘gratifying’ in terms of being something that supports the totality of myself to live and become a being that is an example of what Living is all bout, but I am in fact still basing my ‘enjoyments’ and self-interest as ephemeral experiences that I can absolutely ‘give up’ in order to move on to a self supportive position not only for myself but for all as equals.

 

Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see how my excuses and justifications are just points of preference that I realize I have to let go of and not within the sense of me having to stop all these ‘bits of heaven’ but simply have to consider that relationship I have formed toward my environment and my so called ‘freedom’ at the moment because of being alone.  Hence

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually not want to give up my ‘freedom’ apparently linked to living alone and within this it is like keeping myself in a safe box wherein I am not constantly facing myself with others, which is a point of resistance that I created based on memories of a polarized experience of ultimate joy and happiness with the ultimate stress and inner conflict that I realize I never sorted out for myself and as such, only kept the ‘bad imprinted experiences’ as a way to sabotage myself and believe that I am ‘okay’ and ‘better here’ because of me really not facing the actual points that will lead me to get out of my mind and little bubble faster, so this is currently the actual self interest that I see, realize and understand is the most prominent and the real deal of it all, being alone. Which is ludicrous since we are never really alone, nor do I live absolutely alone, nor am I in a cabin in the woods, however being alone in the sense of not having to constantly ‘deal with’ another person/ other people in my reality because of how I have defined that to be rather stressful and uncomfortable which is then, again, self interest – as I see and realize that I am playing a polarity of wanting to live with others and at the same time still wanting to remain as that ‘oddity’ of myself of wanting to be alone. (as discussed in  the blog: 119. Oddity: Please, Leave Me Alone)

 

When and as I see myself continually using excuses as to keep myself within my ‘status quo’ of apparent comfort and stability in order to remain being ‘alone’ in my reality, I stop and I breathe – I realize that keeping myself in this position is only to satisfy my personality of ‘wanting to be alone’ all the time, which I’ve had enough of for now, I have realized that I am able to live by myself without seeking for a relationship all the time – and within this tis now to realize that we are not alone in this world and that we have to cooperate and work within/ as a group and that living in a group implies facing ourselves, pushing ourselves to be better beings and that I have to step out of my individual bubble – in order to actually live to the fullest potential that I realize I can give to myself, and that requires me actually willing myself to give up all these tiny ‘bits’ that I have defined as a positive experience in my reality.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the current situation I am living in as a way to apparently ‘prove’ to myself that I can be alone, live without much money/ luxuries in a not pretty at all environment, which is also going into a polarity experience based on me not wanting to get used to the luxuries I had at home, the comfort of having most of what I would require or want as secondary-needs/ luxuries, due to how I have defined these luxuries such as going out for dinners, traveling around in cars, buying something that I don’t really need or even having the company of others as something that I had to ‘refrain’ from my almost desire to remain in an ascetic mode for the past two years, which is not really necessary as I see that this ‘ascetic mode’ is also self interest wherein it becomes another point of comfort that I am unconsciously refusing to let go of, which is plain ludicrous as I see and realize that I am in fact affecting others with my self interest to want to remain here and at the same time move on and direct myself to the most effective point and position in my world and related to my process – thus,

 

When and as I see myself wanting to remain in the current position that I am, I see and realize that it is because of the relationship at a mind level that I’ve formed with my environment and that within/ as the mind, I actually fear letting go of it for the constant provision to my preferences as likes and dislikes wherein I am only feeding the ‘who I am’ as a mind controlled by preferences and likes – thus I apply myself to be a self willed being as in the end, who wants to remain as a predictable robot of preprogrammed preference and likes instead of actually developing oneself to our utmost potential in the current context of our world that is requiring actual examples of what it is to live within a cause that will lead to a best for all outcome.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to keep myself bound to a limited position and with a relative ‘calmness’ due to how I have linked having a rotating position/ situation wherein lots of things have to get done to anxiety or distress or discomfort, without realizing that it is only based on the mind experience that I have linked such activities to in the past, which is quite a long time ago and thus

when and as I see myself creating the belief that I will be stressed and ‘full’ with discomfort when having lots to do in the future, I stop and I breathe – I realize that this is not a matter of what I want to or like to do, this is a matter of principle and that in the end, I see that in my mind I have polarized my experiences as only Memories that I am keeping as a reason and justification to define who I am in the moment, which is unacceptable.

 

I commit myself to direct myself to the position in my world and reality that is the most effective one for me within the context of this process and what I am required to be and become. As I see that keeping myself in my current ‘status quo’ is mostly out of fear of taking on further responsibilities and actually standing fully to my utmost potential which is the self sabotage that I must be aware of every time that I link my current position as something ‘good’ or ‘positive’ which is not really so, I mean I can see it, I would not want to spend the rest of days here lol – so, breath by breath I direct myself to the point and position I realize I have to take on in my reality and breathe through any belief of why I should not do so.

I realize it is unacceptable for me to keep valuing such petty things as ‘more’ than my entire self-commitment to life and as such, it is unacceptable to continue perpetuating this ‘secretive’ self sabotage in order to remain in a ‘secured/stagnant’ position in my reality – I direct myself to not allow further manipulation within positive or negative experiences based on memories or future projections and direct myself at the physical level of doing and becoming what I require to be and become in my reality.

 

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200. The Make-Up Reality

 

Becoming a character that is  seemingly ‘Not good enough’ requires accepting who you are as a point of limitation in comparison to others – that is accepting and allowing the enslavement of humanity as a whole not only through looks/ perceived ‘personalities’ we are, but within the context of our current monetary system that functions within the reductionism that we accept and allow as being/ becoming only an image, an amount of money in our wallets, the properties we have or don’t have, the type of ‘lifestyle’ we have, the education – all of it currently existent as an unequal consideration toward the whole that is Here as physical beings, abusing each other through this reductionism at a mind level of what is positive and negative and defining ‘who we are’ toward others based on such configuration. Unacceptable, hence walking the correction here as part of the equalization of all bodies of existence as that which is Real which is HERE as the physical.

 

Continuing with the Elitist Character

Self Forgiveness, Self Corrective Statements and Self Commitments (Part 2) on the Elitist Character from the memory within the 197. Friends of Convenience post.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow myself to feel ‘less than’ people that I could see had ‘lots of money’ wherein I immediately would go into a submission and keeping quiet mode, due to being impressed by the presentation of the beings and the house and properties, which made me believe that because they had ‘all the money they wanted’ it made them superior and better than me, which became a point of reference for me to realize that I ‘didn’t have it all’ while growing up when comparing my life to another’s life based on the amount of money that they had.

 

When and as I see myself going into an inferiority mode based on the social status and position of people in my reality and believing that I am ‘less than them’ because of not being as ‘powerful’ as them in terms of money, I stop and I breathe – I realize this allowing the definition of who I am as money/ properties to define my beingness in that moment which is unacceptable, since who we are is our physical body as the equality that we exist as, thus it makes no sense creating an experience based on comparing the ‘who I am’ as my current monetary position toward other beings. I direct myself to remain stable here as breath and not be ‘impressed’ by the pictures, words, things that I see around me and identifying them as ‘more’ than who I am.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that in order to behave the same way that the girl behaved – which I perceived as confident and overtly expressive/ extroverted, I would require the same amount of money in order to feel ‘that happy’ wherein her expression became a point that I realized I could never ‘live’ as myself because of her life having all these luxuries and ‘having it easy’ whereas I perceived myself to be in a dire situation with my family – hence ‘finding my place’ within the opposite of what I perceived her to be and represent, even if I had experienced myself in a similar mode when I was younger back then – which would be 3-5 years old, wherein the consideration of money was not yet within my concept of reality. Thus I see and realize that the comparison began at the age of 6-7 when I became aware of a significant difference in the way we live when it comes to people having lots of money, people not having as much money and people having no money at all, which was also a point that became part of my awareness at the same age.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I could never express myself with such confidence and openness because of not having as much money to ‘be happy about’ which is how I linked a confidence and ‘well being’ expression to having money – within this limiting my own expression to believe that I was doomed to never get to be ‘that happy’ as in ‘having it all’ in my life and as such, if I ever presented myself as ‘happy’ it would be phony, without realizing that no energetic experience as either happy or gloomy represent who I really am and that all of these considerations were based upon the role that I have accepted and allowed money to have within me, wherein I feel ‘content’ if I have everything I require and go into worry and concern if money is being a problem as in ‘not having money.’

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as being ‘intimidated’ around people that I considered were ‘richer’ and ‘more’ than me due to having lots of money, instead of realizing that within that moment I was allowing myself to believe that ‘I am my money, I am my properties, I am my looks only’ – and in this, compare myself to others as a way to justify and validate my inner experience of ‘intimidation’ and a belief of never in my life being able to ‘equalize’ myself to them because of how I look, the money that I had and the entire context I lived within in comparison to those that were fortunate and having the ‘perfect looks’ according to how I judged other beings in such positions to be like.

 

When and as I see myself defining my ‘beingness’ according to the amount of money that I have and believing that I cannot be ‘here’ and stable when not having money – I stop and I breathe – I realize  that the polarity of being happy and concerned when having and not having money respectively is based on the perception of other people’s mood and beingness in relation to money that I accepted as ‘how things are/ how I should behave as well,’ which is unacceptable when considering how we have defined this entire world according to a positive and a negative represented mostly by a have/ have not situation of money.

 

I commit myself to stop defining ‘who I am’ according to the money that I have or that I don’t have, and instead dedicate myself to be part of the solution to this current monetary system to ensure that all that remains as monetary system can be a equality system where all life can be considered as equal and where no more worry, concern and distress exist due to lacking money to live – and the opposite no overtly positive attitudes exist as all the happiness, bliss and joy that is created directly from the ‘confidence’ that money brings when having enough or more than enough of it to live. This is within the realization that within Equality as Life there are no positives or negatives – hence the equalization of Money as Life within the Equal Money System, implies removing any lack and removing any excess in order to ensure that everyone has equal access and as such learn how to live moderated and regulated living conditions that support all and harm no one.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to consider that standing up with a very straight back means superiority and a confidence that can only exist if you have ‘something to be confident about’ which I linked to money, properties, looks and ability to express/ interact with others, wherein this girl became my first impression of what it was to have a ‘perfect life’ and linking all of this to a physical stance of ‘standing with a perfectly straight back’ –

 

I realize I imprinted within me with that particular moment of being at this girl’s house and watching her/ admiring her expression and physical gestures and mannerisms which I linked to the confidence that money brings, the ‘good education’ from parents that were part of elites from generations back, and within this all compare myself to her and believe that ‘I did not have the right to stand up straight’ because of not being as ‘graced’ with looks, not having the money to back up my belief of confidence linked to money/ properties, nor did I consider that I could be as expressive as her within such refined manners – all of this becoming something I would essentially evolve and develop into my own ‘antagonist character’ that I created myself in opposition to, in order to justify my perceived inability to be as expressive, to stand as straight, to walk and interact with such openness – and instead went into the opposite as in being mostly hunching my back, hiding myself in social situations, not wanting to interact a lot and most of all, judging every person that I would see standing, moving and expressing in similar ways within the same category of them being ‘conceited, spoiled, rich girls’ that I simply could not compare myself to due to all of the reasons around looks and money, and in this, believing that ‘my place’ in the world was simply to never be as perfect and always stand as a rather ‘opposition’ to these girls and find my ‘happiness point’ within that.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge a beings’ expression as conceited, arrogant, proud, spoiled and overtly expressive as an indication of having lots of money to be ‘happy’ about, without realizing how it is all part of the design wherein people with money would mostly feel ‘okay’ within their bodies and expression so that their inner conflict related to ‘body’ and ‘who they are’ would not tamper their focus on their world-system functions linked to money – therefore, I see and realize that the moment that I accept such expression as ‘more’ than myself, I am accepting the power of money equally as ‘more than myself’ instead of realizing that how we present ourselves and how we look and the money we have is only linked to who we are within this consciousness reality that is currently moved and directed by money, which is a point of inequality and representing the abuse of life at the moment – thus I cannot allow myself to be ‘impressed’ or ‘affected’ by a picture presentation, mannerism and general expression of elite beings that have been designed to present such expression and such experiences of confidence and ‘superiority’ that are inherently linked to a particular position in the world system.

 

I realize that the way to stop giving a point of ‘power’ to money in this unequal manner, is to stop defining people according to how they look, express and ‘are’ in relation to the amount of money they have and as such, focus on the physicality that we are all existent as, wherein there is no ‘more’ than physical bodies that function the exact same way in every one and that we certainly have to equalize in this world within a world system that stops complying to a seemingly ‘superior position’ that can only exist as the ‘power’ we have all agreed to endow money with, which is currently an abusive relationship toward life.

 

When and as I see myself linking standing with a straight back with an Experience of Superiority as a confidence that can only be obtained through having lots of money hence being spoiled and conceited/ having something to be ‘proud of’ – I stop and I breathe –  I realize that standing up straight is a physical position that is supportive for my back and that in no way requires any ‘concept’ behind to allow myself to stand with a straight pose.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to link a ‘straight pose’ to being a ‘poser’ and ‘phony’ because of how I believed that only people with money/ power/ fame/ fortune could ‘afford’ to stand in such a manner, which is how every time that I was suggested to walk with a straight back, I would not do it because of believing that I had ‘nothing to feel superior/ proud of’ which is how I existed as the belittlement of myself, and getting to the point of tears every time that people would say that I had to stand up straight and believing that I just could not do it because I was not ‘perfect’ – hence

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to walk with a straight back as a synonym of ‘physical perfection’ that I separated myself from based on the idea of only ‘catch penny girls = rich, spoiled, good looking, confident girls’ being able to stand within such a position and expression, which is how I limited and separated myself from the ability to stand up straight without having an experience of being ‘off place’ and ‘phony’ and ‘wannabe’ essentially – thus

 

When and as I see myself creating an experience of me when standing up straight as being a poser, a wannabe or plain phony, I stop and I breathe –  I direct myself to support my physical body focusing on my standing position and realizing that a physical posture cannot define ‘who I am’ within as my inner experience, but only represents a point of physical support for my body.

 

I commit myself to stop believing that there are certain physical poses and ways of ‘carrying oneself’ that are only able to be ‘lived out/ expressed’ by people that have particular body features or a certain configuration of ‘who they are’ linked to power/ money/ fame, and instead allow myself to equalize my physical expression to that which I see is best to ‘exist as’ within the physical consideration of myself as a physical being –that’s it.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to immediately categorize beings according to ‘how they move/ express and talk’ as a way to define the amount of money they have, wherein I would immediately assess whether I would want to create/ establish relationships with them in order to ‘better’ myself through them as in getting along with ‘rich people’ who I considered as ‘less troubled people,’ and avoiding having relationships/ friendships with people that had less money as I considered them as being insecure and quiet and ostracized which I  felt mostly ‘sorry’ for and within this experience, rather deciding to get along with people I did not have to ‘feel bad about’ and as such, focus on having what I defined as ‘positive people’ because they had a fair economic situation at home.

 

When and as I see myself defining ‘who a being is’ based on how they move/ express themselves and categorizing them as either positive or negative and according to that ‘making up my mind’ in relation to ‘who I will be’ toward them, which is how we perpetuate the inequality between all human beings when seeing the person as the ‘character’ that they have become as the configuration that exists as a predisposition to the being according to the mind, the social and economical context which is the make-up as consciousness that we have accepted and allowed ourselves to define ourselves as, which is Not life in equality – but a system to deliberately create separation, disparity and further friction and conflict when comparing one to another.

 

I commit myself to stop the inequality between all beings according to how I define them based on looks, ways of expressing, vocabulary, education as I realize that all of this is valuing knowledge and information as ‘who we are’ which is unacceptable – All beings are equal as the physicality that we all represent and being guided by a point of expression, a physical appearance or any other attribute that we obtain from another through our senses must be immediately assessed as part of the ‘make-up’ within this reality that was meant to brew separation – thus it is not who we really are as physical beings that function the exact same way at a physical level.

 

The inequality between all bodies of existence begins and ends within me.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to create my own elitism at an early age during primary school wherein I began avoiding being around/ being friends with people that I considered as quiet and reserved and mostly ‘insecure’ as a way to identify that they were probably having a ‘tough situation at home’ which would imply that me in such relationships as friendships would have to go through all the ‘bad stuff’ of ‘dealing’ with them, thus I sought to instead be with people that could allow me to experience myself as a point of happiness, joy and even more ‘comfort’ than at home due to what they had, which is becoming prone to seek for relationships that could ensure I could have a ‘good life’ in one way or another, even if at home it wasn’t necessarily so at the time.

 

When and as I see myself defining people as either positive or negative based on the amount of money that they have and wanting to avoid ‘negative people’ at  all cost – lol – I stop and I breathe – I realize that this would be me giving power to money as an acceptable attribute/ lack to define a being’s ‘beingness’ which is Not who they Really are as physical beings that exist in an equal manner as everyone else in this reality. Thus I direct myself to treat all beings equally regardless of how they look, how they express themselves, their choice of words, their appearance, their properties or general ‘beingness’ as I realize that this is the configuration of the being we se through the Eyes of the Mind and as such, meant to brew separation.

 

I direct myself to equalize my expression to also ensure my own words, stance and expression do not veer toward a compensation toward what I see they ‘lack’ or a compensation toward that which I see they are ‘doing a lot of’ – ex. such as talking ‘more’ with a being that is not as talkative and talk less when being with a being that ‘talks a lot’ and instead, equalize myself to at all times simply consider my expression in the moment when necessary, and not as a ‘counter act’ to the people I am relating myself to.  I see and realize how within the moment that I allow a single point of expression in another to determine and define ‘who I am’ toward other beings’ is allowing me to become a ‘counter balancing act’ toward another character and in that, allowing them to be reduced to a single character. Therefore I direct myself to be the example of what it is to live and exist as an equalized expression that considers a physical communication in equality, in the moment wherein no pictures, no backgrounds, no possessions, no colors exist as a mask to talk through/ express through.

 

I commit myself to stop reducing people to ‘who they are’ as knowledge and information translated to social positions, picture presentation, properties, lacks and what I perceive as positive or negative which can only exist as the ‘masks’ that we’ve worn in order to create an unequal reality based on Money.

 

(To be continued)

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196. The Elitist Evil behind Relationships

 

“I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realise and understand the commonsense, practical, physical question regarding: the things coming up in the Mind, “seemingly coming from nowhere”, that I never questioned “where the things that come up in my Mind, seemingly from nowhere go when/as I resist/deny/suppress/ignore it?” – Sunette Spies*

 

 

Continuation to

 

So far I’ve walked the point of believing that I had the ‘right’ to assess reality outside of myself and Think/ Believe and/ Perceive that ‘I had nothing to do with that’ and that whatever would come up in my mind was strictly pointing out what existed in others wherein any form of reaction that ensued from this, was taken as ‘ my right’ to react to whatever I thought/ assessed about another.

See the point? I created my own judgments/ perspectives upon something/ someone in one moment, within my mind only, and according to my own assessment based on judgments, ideas, beliefs, perceptions, preferences at the level of backchat, I defined who I would be in such a moment toward the person and event. Now, where is the physical reality participation in this? Nowhere, I would mostly do this is one single moment of observing, ‘assessing people’ and according to this ‘evaluation’ determine already who I would be toward the person/ environment based on how much I could benefit from the relationship/ situation – mostly obviously, focusing on the economic status of the person and future relationships, which is mostly how I am realizing I was programmed to always be aware of and ensure that I would create relationships based on money, in which I accepted and allowed myself to become a silent elitist in my mind.

 

 

Why is this relevant to my process? I have shoved aside many times my own elitism implanted at an early age wherein I was taught to be aware of the amount of money people had within my ‘friends at school’ and within this, always being asked questions by my mother about the social status of my friends, their parents their jobs and this eventually making me angry because at my eyes, I knew that the point was me only seeking to be with people in the same ‘social status’ which eventually lead me to rebel against that at a later stage which is another story much later in my teenage years – however, as a child because of being under the ‘control’ of my parents, I would frequent and get along with kids that were part of an upper class that I was quite oblivious to before the age of 6, thus generating this inherent desire to one day have their life, their money and as such, believing that keeping these relationships would lead me to a similar economic outcome as them/ their families which is an upper middle class close to rich people.

 

 

 

Now, the most prominent point would always be remaining quiet in these situations and events. about the reactions as a defense mechanism, while keeping a ‘welcoming face/ gesture’ on my face when being in an environment that I was busy quickly assessing and deciding who I would be in such situations – the event here is not yet relevant, what is relevant is walking that condition of, after having gone through the righteousness of believing that ‘I am right/ I have the right to assess others’ then simply remain quiet and allow my own thoughts to determine who I am toward others/ in a particular moment/ even in my reality based on the benefit I could get ‘in the future’ from being liked/ accepted by a particular type of people. Why is this? Protection mechanism based on the fear of not being liked/ accepted/ welcomed, fear of  rejection and as such, limiting my ability to benefit from such relationships.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be thinking and valuing others and a moment in reality according to the amount of benefit I would get from such relationships, wherein I essentially allowed my self interest of experiencing a life of joy, comfort and luxury instead of common sense of an actual empathy toward the beings I was being acquainted with.  Within this, assessing my own participation in reality according to the amount of positive experiences I would get from it, which implied me having to ‘keep quiet’ all the judgments and assessments made toward others in order to remain accepted and liked by people that I thought and realized I could ‘benefit from’ within creating a friendship/ acquaintance that would lead me to a similar living-outcome based on the material possessions/ money they represented, which became a desire within me as well.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to determine reality according to my own subjective values of ‘what is in it for me?’ wherein the participation within any event/ activity/ relationships, was always made from the starting point of building a reputation of being a ‘good valuable person’ which would ensure that I created the necessary façade to not have any problems in my reality/ get the most benefits in reality, as I Knew that as long as one present an actively warming attitude and gentleness, people immediately create a point of trust and comfort which is assuring an imprint within another person’s mind of oneself being a ‘good person’ in order to then be able to get something out of the person in exchange to such amicable link in a future moment/ situation wherein such relationship would come in ‘handy’ for my own benefit.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to use people, events and situations to my own benefit to build my own ‘persona’ as the reputation that I was aiming at in order to be liked/ accepted/ praised/ recognized by many people and within this appraisal obtained through me creating a positive input within their lives, assure my own ‘triumph’ within everything that I would commit myself to be and become in my reality, as I understood the importance of social relationships in order to escalate in the social-stratus, wherein me having ‘high hopes / aims’ within this world, I knew that I would have to present ‘the good side’ of myself, which was specifically prefabricated in order to create social relationships so that I could benefit from it, accumulating ‘positive relationships’ stemming from the actual fear of being relegated, ostracized, disowned, discriminated and essentially treating me as ‘less than’ everything that I wanted to be and become, which is linked to obviously ending up with no money/ no comfort/ no ‘happiness’ in my world – within this using relationships in my reality in order to only benefit myself, never considering how such relationships could be transformed to a point that could benefit all, because such principle was not even considered within myself in the past.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to become a cunning observer of reality and acting according to the expected ways within the social-terms of how I would ensure that I always would have people on my side/ people that would like me and accept me within the realization that within this world system, the more you create relationships based on an empathy at a character-level of being a ‘good person,’ one ensures a point of support,  which is how I would abide to these rules in order to ensure that I would do things for others expecting something in return ‘in the future,’ and within this, seeing my participation within relationships with others as a plain act of hypocrisy in order to generate a good reputation for myself for and if I ever required to get something from a person or a situation, ensuring that I would most likely ‘get what I wanted’ based on me having first created a positive-link toward people, ensuring that they would ‘remember’ who I am and as such, support me/ help me out with any point that I would require from them in order to succeed/ achieve my goals or be gotten ‘out of trouble’ which reveals how every decision I made with regards to relationships in my reality were measured according to the amount of benefit I could obtain from them for either any potential ‘upgrading’ in my lifestyle or ‘getting me out of trouble.’

 

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to asses people and define ‘who they are’ according to the amount of money/ education they have and accordingly having decided to either evolve/ develop the relationship Or not participate at all, wherein the not participation would imply already that I would not get ‘anything’ out of such relationships that would support my aim of being and becoming someone ‘better’ in terms of escalating a social-stratus, ‘hanging out’ with more educated people which reveal to what extent I allowed myself to support the polarization of this world within the very ‘weighing process’ of my relationships since I was a young girl.

 

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to become used to seeing money as a relevant factor that would determine who I could hang out with/ who I would rather refrain from relating with, base on this inherent belief that I had to stick to people that I could benefit from at an economical and social-relationship level, which became the elitist mind within me that was an aspect of being the ‘good person’ as a building block of a reputation that I was busy scheming throughout my life in order to be and become someone of ‘power’ in my reality, aided from all of these relationships that I thought I could benefit from.

 

When and as I see myself assessing a relationship with a particular person based on the amount of money and benefit that I can obtain from such relationship, I stop and I breathe – I realize that this has significantly being walked as part of my process, however the point of creating relationships based on the benefit I can get from others at a later stage is still here wherein the only acceptable way of creating relationships in our social-reality at this stage, is to ensure that the outcome of such benefit can be directed and linked specifically to a best for all outcome, this is the Only acceptable way to continue creating relationships/ acquaintances within our reality

 

I commit myself to walk a process of self forgiveness and self corrective statements and application to ensure that there is not a single bit of self interest implied within the relationships that I create as getting something out of it for my own personal benefit – I instead ensure that I become aware of the relationships that I create, verifying that each one of them stands in alignment with the principle that I am living my life as, which is that of creating, establishing and being the very building block of a world in Equality, wherein all relationships will stop being only based on personal gratification, self interest, greed and the ‘upgrade’ of social-stratus based on wealth, and instead develop the very basic considerations of equal and one support to one another wherein Money is not a decisive factor within it, but more of a necessary mean at this stage in this world to develop and create a world system that will be based on Life in Equality.

 

I commit myself to stop participating in the same relationship dynamics that have lead to the polarization of reality wherein we have only sought to benefit ourselves/ escalate positions while ignoring the absolute hideous reality that the majority is existing in because of  only a few being busy building further ladders to escalate in the social stratus while neglecting the fact that we are equal and one to that which we neglect, deny  and suppress which is the poverty and the lack in this world based on an economic system that has not supported all beings equally – within this

 

I commit myself to walk this process of relationships in order to direct relationships to stop being the building blocks of this elitist society that is having money as a god, and as such align the understanding of how it is that only within the realization of the Real Value within Life which is LIFE can relationship and ourselves as individuals actually thrive in reality, as the moment that only self interest is continued to be sought in this reality for our own benefit only, the more we continue the separation, greed and absolute neglect toward the rest of the world that is Here as ourselves and requires to be always taken into consideration with ever y single relationship that we form from here on, as equals, dedicating ourselves to stop egotistical desires of ‘fame and fortune’ and instead, stand up to create and manifest a living condition that is dignified for all beings on Earth, as this is in fact what I would want others to give to each other in an equal manner as the actual well being we are perfectly capable of installing in this life.

 

There is a particular memory coming up which I will write about in my next blog. And this will be a series of exploring this which I had certainly not written about in my process before, which are these seemingly ‘unimportant’ experiences in my early childhood with particular groups of people and ‘friends’ that I was close to due to my parents’ relationships, which had a ‘better economic position’ than us and how many times I would swallow my experience toward them, my own anger, judgments and general irritation and envy within such friendships just because of not wanting to miss out the opportunity to go to the places where they lived and play with their games, and hang out in their homes which I perceived were better than my own and obviously, it was all based on the money that they had.

 

 

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