Category Archives: Conflicts

590. From Defensiveness to Openness

Or deciding to challenge my own past decisions to ‘get away from’ certain relationships and instead decide to develop a common ground with them this time around.

In looking back at this month that ends today, there’s been a lot of ‘movements’ going on which I’ve decided to do and ‘take on’ in terms of self-investigation and so also creating openings with people that I had not talked to in a long time and in a way ‘opening the door’ that I had comfortably shut in my past for reactive reasons of course, which I’ve now come to reassess because a lot has been changing or ‘opening up’ within and there’s like this expansion going on that I’ve taken on as well as a drive to re-connect with people, meet new people, etc.

Through doing the self-preparation to get this done, I noticed this ‘defensive’ stance within me which belongs to the ‘religion of self’ where I was the one creating this armor or invisible fortress around me that would contain ‘me’ inside of it with all of these reasons, excuses, justifications of why I would not ‘get along with’ certain people anymore, or why I just didn’t have to talk to them again. In a way I was quite blinded by my own ego and ideas of ‘who I am’ which prevented me from precisely even thinking of challenging such perceptions and re-approaching people that were once quite close to me in my life.

I’ve also realized that yes, at the time it is what I decided to do and it was part of my own self-rediscovery process, finding ‘who I am’ beyond all the relationships I had formed and this ‘who I am’ to those people as well. But it’s also very normal to say that once that ‘self-processing’ phase is over, what opens up next – at least for me and how I’m deciding to live it – is to reconnect, to re-establish communication and that’s something I’ve been doing here and there throughout this whole month, not only with people that I stopped talking to before or with family members, but also in terms of opening more of myself to myself and so being able to comfortably share it with others, and also with new people that I’ve come to develop a cool communication with.

Though I had this particular experience where I did notice I had to physically ‘walk through’ this fortress that I created around me as my ‘righteous ego’ as I was meeting with an ‘old friend’ the other day and as he was explaining how he views himself, the world, his role in it and going into expressing himself the way I used to in terms of ‘giving up on any change in the world’ and being generally ‘pessimistic’ in his own view about things, I noticed there was this emergence of a stiffness within my body, and I became aware of it ‘building up’ as this tension which would many other times lead me to speak faster, louder and in essence end up in conflicts with people.

In that moment I realized this was my ‘fortressed ego’ emerging, rising, believing that he was speaking in those terms because of ‘wanting to show me he doesn’t agree with my current stance about the world’ or where I instantly went into ‘defiance’ mode of ‘what I stand for’ but that’s the point, I realized how in wanting to create a ‘battle’ against anyone that doesn’t ‘agree with me’ I am – of course – becoming part of the problem and recreating the same mechanisms that have led us to be ‘divided and conquered’ as human beings.

So what I did in that moment is keep quiet while being aware of what was ‘building up within me’ and decided to keep listening, understanding where ‘he’s currently at’ in his life and ‘views’ on things, until I decided to intervene to explain how one of the reasons why I stopped hanging out with him before is because I would perceive us to be in ‘very different stances’ in ‘how we view things,’ instead of rather being able to focus on finding a common ground. Here, as I spoke those words to him, I could still notice that there was this ‘stiffness’ which is the ego-fortress of defensiveness coming through and I was able to move through that ‘stiffened stance’ to the solution which I mentioned in that moment: let’s focus on creating a common ground.

I kept then listening to what he had to say not so much about the ways he defines himself at a ‘theoretical level’ but more so in ‘who he is’ on his day to day living in the job he has, and it turns out that he’s definitely not at all what he has defined himself to be. Who he is in his day to day living is in fact commitment to do his work the best way he can, to support himself to get out of certain harmful habits, destructive relationships, becoming a responsible person that is living for the purpose of bettering his work environment with the people in it and in the business itself, using all of the expertise, skills and studies he has to precisely do just that, which has led him to a leadership position at his job and in practical ways living principles of ‘do onto others as you’d like to be done onto yourself’ and stopping the chains of spite, doing the least effort, lack of commitment or discipline to do things.

To me this was very refreshing to see within him, to see how throughout these past years he’s gotten himself to a stable position after having walked through,  yes, quite a bit of consequence of precisely not doing and not being ‘all of the above’ towards himself and his relationship to the many jobs he’s had. So, that’s when I told him how he is not who he says he is in fact when it comes to ‘being pessimist’ or ‘seeing no way out in the world,’ otherwise he would not be living what he is living in his day to day, which is actually enjoying life, enjoying his role at work and being a very humorous person that yes can be ‘cynical’ and ‘satirical’ about reality and having all of this baggage of information/theories about reality, yet still remain very practical and supportive in his approach to his life as it is.

I reflected upon all of this to see how my ‘reunion’ with him went from me initially recreating this ‘fortress’ around me that had led me to want to ‘not talk to him again’ years ago, to walking through that ‘mirage’ and keeping myself open to create a common ground, to learn from the person, to understand them and how that left us realizing that yep, we do in fact have that similar approach to life even if we cannot agree in ‘concepts’ or ‘theories’ or whatever else that stands in the way of human beings as knowledge and information, as self-definitions or ‘creeds’.

I let him know that I am definitely glad about the changes and ‘upgrades’ in his life and how I appreciate the process he’s gone through to ‘get to where he’s at’ right now, and how even though he denies himself as being a ‘practivist’ to make things better and so ‘change the world,’ he’s in fact doing just that with his everyday doings at work and in the relationships he’s deciding to have now.

Here then I look at what would have happened if I had simply ‘reacted’ to ‘knowledge and information’ and decided to repeat myself in my ‘defensive stance’ towards him? We would not have gotten to realize that we are in fact able to talk, get along, enjoy our communication and have things in common if we both leave our ‘self-definitions’/personality cages behind and instead focus on the very practical, simplistic ways in which we share our doings, what we’ve learned about ourselves, what we’ve gone through and what we are currently doing in our lives, which is what we plan on doing from now on.

This also led me to realize – and I also shared this with him – how we get entirely ‘lost in translation’ when it comes to how each person approaches one word, where some people react to words like ‘equality’ or ‘forgiveness’ or ‘community’ or ‘oneness’ or ‘potential’ or ‘self support’ or ‘entrepreneurial’ and judging it as ‘positive hogwash’ which I sure did at some point in my past as well, only to get to a point of understanding what these words mean in reality.  I actually shared with him how I see that he is in fact living those principles even if he is not aware of it, or if he is defining them ‘differently’ in his own mind – but how in the end what matters is ‘who we are’ in our day to day and the actions that we do which speak louder than words as ‘definitions’ or ‘ideas of self’ which yep, we definitely have to either equalize to our doings, to ‘who we really are’ instead of keeping ourselves caged in these limitations that usually become labels that more often than not lead us to have conflicts and disagreements with others, just because of how we define ourselves as information, instead of focusing on the actuality of what we do, the nature of what we in fact ARE and DO, which is what matters in reality.

I’ll definitely continue nurturing this point of communication with different people because I thoroughly enjoy getting to know, understand another and even more so when I have a certain ‘history’ with them and so challenging myself in being able to ‘reconnect’ with others beyond this personality they knew of me – and at the same time for sure get to learn from them and what they’ve gone through throughout all of these years as well. I definitely enjoy those moments when I get to have something be ‘triggered’ within me and decide to ‘disarm’ myself within it all, it’s like being able to burst my bubbles in a moment and move into a decision to be open, to embrace, to be vulnerable, to be understanding – and that’s a very refreshing and liberating thing to do.

Thanks for reading.

 

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583. Intimacy Starts Within

Or how to share oneself in an open and unconditional manner with others after living self-intimacy for oneself first.

I’ll share a about an experience that opened up while I was communicating with someone about a subject or topic that I had not particularly shared about with anyone else before, therefore already holding this ‘charge’ within myself of sharing something quite ‘intimate’ or ‘secret’ within me that I had not opened up before or shared about myself with others because of having existed in a relationship of shame, regret and therefore secrecy towards it.

Here I created a predisposition of perceiving that what I was sharing with the person was ‘more meaningful’ or more ‘intimate’ than other topics, like imposing an idea of specialness towards it instead of simply sharing it for what it is – though it’s understandable here in my case considering that it’s the kind of experience one initially has when ‘opening up’ a rather ‘sensitive’ topic or what one has defined as ‘sensitive’ or ‘intimate’ or ‘secret’ aspect of ourselves to another, which I have in a way identified as ‘being intimate’ with another, which I’d say cannot really exist as such within an aura of specialness, but a simple seeing within self first and then sharing it with another, which is what I was doing in that moment according to my starting point.

So when I was sharing about this aspect of myself that I had already defined as  ‘I am sharing this for the first time with another’ there I was kind of already making it something ‘more’ than what it is in in fact in my head, which is also the reason why I had not shared about it before – and I noticed how the other person was looking away or dealing with something else in that moment,  which I communicated to see if there was something to be attended on in order to ‘get past it’ and kind of ‘get the focus back on myself’ but in that insta-moment what was triggered within me was a very old pattern in my life where I’ve believed, perceived or assumed that others don’t really want to hear me/my story/my ‘depth’ or what I have to open up or share, in all the detail that I share it with and what I activate is a perception of ‘others not being interested in what I have to share about me/myself/some deep stuff’ and have used that before to then react in ‘shutting down’, meaning refraining or stopping myself from sharing, so tending to suppress more– which I’ve also defined as ‘moments of intimacy’ that become thwarted according to this idea belief, perception or interpretation of ‘not being interested, don’t pay attention, so rather not do it at all’, or ‘not relevant for them,’ or they seem bored by it, etc.

The solution is to rather ask, be direct and share what is being experience in the moment, communicate about it if it’s a point of communication being built with someone that is at a more personal and yes in depth level. Otherwise within assumptions and suppressions one can build up large chunks of ‘unprocessed’ stuff that becomes a source of further emotions if not opened up and dealt with within oneself and shared with the other person as a point of shared awareness.

 

Due to how I’ve perceived this to be a ‘common thing’ in various relationships-partners and friendships before, I triggered it again which causes an experience of being ‘irrelevant, not important, not interesting, worthless to give attention to’ which at the same time holds underlying points of seeking some kind of ‘full attention/consideration’ that I had not given to myself either, which played out in the way I focused more on ‘supporting people’ or making myself ‘needed’ by another in a relationship or ‘finding ways out there to sort out the world’ but missing out these key self-aspects: giving, doing, being these points for myself first!

 

Also here it’s relevant to clarify this point of intimacy and being ‘intimate’ with another and how upon reacting to something I see on the other I went into a ‘shut down’ or assumption of ‘they don’t really want to hear’ which would be a source of self-pity and ‘no one understands me’ type of experience that is experienced as a remnant of the past, even though I actually have quite some enjoyment in opening and disclosing all of these points to myself as well, which proves that yes even one single thought invested into the ‘pop-up’ of the pattern, can trigger these old patterns which I’ve been seeing now are linked to various memories and what I’ve defined as ‘bitter situations’ in the past.

And due to that insta-reaction, the usual ‘next step’ was to – in the past – consider ‘ah they’re not interested in getting to know me or ‘be intimate” which is an externalization of what I had not lived for myself/given myself as full attention, self-appreciation and self-worth. Here’s then how intimacy is in fact into-me-I-see as learned through the Desteni material, where we can in fact first focus on getting to know ourselves, seeing within me, getting to understand me, appreciate me, honor me, enjoy me rather than expecting another person to do and be this for me, to ‘see me’ in the exact same way and ‘depth’ that I would like them to see me, but it’s practically not possible to do this in the reality we are in, where yes as much as we can share ourselves through words and actions, no other person will ever be in our exact same body/life experience all the way with ourselves as we have been for ourselves, and that’s merely a fact of life that leads me to remember to be ok with seeing within me, getting to know me, getting to appreciate me in all the things that I see, realize, get to understand and surely, share as much as I can through words and interactions with others, but without creating an expectation of a certain regard or experience from another towards it, and that’s where ‘sharing unconditionally’ is also the solution.

So yep, it all starts with an assumption, perception, idea of what the other is experiencing to which then I react in shutting down / keeping things to myself.  I’ve also been in the position of being directly told ‘I don’t care to hear that/ don’t want to hear about that’ which I would have a hard time with as in sadness emerging, like ‘shutting up a kid’ type of experience, which is as far as it goes in my case having been  a very talkative person since I was very young, lol, not really understanding that yes it might have gotten to be annoying for some at the time, but it’s definitely the kind of ‘deeply rooted’ reactions that led me to see myself as insignificant, worthless, not important, ‘I’d rather die/go away because I’m only a bother here’ type of thoughts. This goes back to childhood times – so, it all resulted in me generally ‘being there’ for others in relationships, only ‘hearing them’ because of perceiving that my stuff was not relevant, was boring, uninterested by perceiving any physical movement in the other as a reaction to what I was saying- while at the same time yearning to open myself up and having someone ‘be interested in me’ in the same way I may find myself and others fascinating to get to know or understand.

However here it’s not about now seeking another to say ‘yes you are interesting’ or ‘I am interested in what you have to say’ because then the point is missed. The point is not really about ‘another’ but about self and realizing how one creates ideas, experiences and expectations towards things that only we, individually, within ourselves can get to see in full scope. It is yes, kind of unfortunate in a way that we cannot yet see ourselves in ‘all dimensions’ and get to see the core of each other and in all transparency, because in essence we cannot do that for or towards others because we haven’t in fact done and walked that for ourselves first, and that’s then the principle of self-intimacy first.

 

So even if there were times when another person in fact wasn’t interested, or was in fact genuinely wanting to ‘slip away’ from the conversation – it’s not about judging them or judging ourselves for having had these reactions from others. I’ve learned to instead go into considering, understanding ‘who they are’ and what they were ‘into’ at the time and how for some individuals this kind of things might be too personal or too ‘intimate’ to discuss or ‘only pertaining me’ – which are all individual points to walk for each person, though I cannot ever change or control that, therefore it all goes back to what I can do and live for and as myself, which relates back to living self-intimacy first and then sharing myself with another unconditionally, no strings attached, no expectations, no preconceived ideas of what the other will say or how they will react back at it.

This is common sense in realizing that I cannot ask another to be in my head and be in that moment seeing all the ‘meaning’ or ‘depth’ that I’m seeing something within me that leads me to share it and expect the other person to receive it in that ‘equal meaningfulness’ or ‘depth’ that I am creating towards it. It’s kind of like the idea of ‘I’m bearing my soul here for you and you’re not interested in it’ type of experience and assumption  – and so learning that this is part of where I have to let go of any expectations and realize I can only share myself unconditionally.

 

I share it because I’ve definitely made that mistake of keeping things to myself before and not communicating about it, and what emerged in that moment was a distinctive experience, familiar if anything, from past situations that I simply have to practice walking through more and communicate about this situation so that next time I can open it up in the moment with the other person if they are also up for doing this kind of ‘alignments’ within themselves as well or in a relationship.

In doing so, sharing becomes also a one direction movement, where I share me without indirectly expecting the other to change or do anything about it, because that is entirely up to each one to do or act upon or not. Here it’s making sure that I am no longer expecting someone else to ‘fully understand me’ because that’s also still a point of ‘desiring to be appreciated, understood and known’ by someone else, instead of doing, giving and living that for myself first. So in essence being quite unconditional in what I share and continue cultivating openness because that’s what I enjoy and like to be, regardless of anything else I see in another. Of course if there are noticeable reactions I rather from now on ask and cross-reference rather than assuming, which is the key to stop making an ass-of-myself in assumptions.

There’s many times a fine line of whether ‘I should share this’ with the other person or not, but due to my tendency to rather ‘keep it to myself’ – which reads into self-pity, victimization and all of that pattern of suppression –  I for now decide do the opposite.

 Thanks for reading

 

Please check out this timely video by Sunette Spies for SOUL describing her process in walking through self-discovery:  Expanding Your Living Vocabulary – Part 1

 

 Living Roots

 

Join us in our process of Self-Expression as LIFE


558. Walking Through Avoidance

“We will forever remain HERE in the GIFT and REBIRTH of ourselves / SELF after and during the confronting of our consequence, our manifested consequence we cannot escape, we cannot deny and we cannot run from…it will come, it will manifest, as it is already done and created. But the power we have, the CHOICE we have, the ability to respond we have – is WHO WE ARE THROUGH IT. How we LEARN from it and CHANGE from it for ourselves and generations to come. Our consequence becoming our REBIRTH or our death…we do, in fact, choose…” – Sunette Spies

 

When I read this last night I definitely wanted to take it on to my blog as a personal reminder and to expand it to many more people that may benefit from carefully reading into it, because it is so in terms of how we always have a choice to live instead of wallowing into an outflow or a consequence that we believe is ‘out of our hands’ to change, when it is in fact no so. And I particularly also appreciate how these bits of moments that we can stand up from can be seen through the eyes of living potential, not only for our current lives but also in the context of everyone’s lives that are yet to come.

It also assist us to place into perspective the notion of ‘walking through consequences’ and not fearing it, not feeling disempowered by them, but rather seeing that we can learn to honor and learn a lot more from ourselves by owning our creation.

I was translating some interviews on the topic of avoidance and how we tend to externalize it into not wanting to meet with, look at or have discussions with people we believe are ‘the problem’ or ‘cause’ of our experience that drives us to avoid people or certain situations, but the reality is that we only in fact avoid taking a good look back at ourselves to see what are we in fact avoiding to acknowledge, to open up, to recognize about ourselves that we are ‘fearing’ looking at.

I’ve seen this aspect come up in myself and many others within our lives and so in our process where we actually know what we are facing and creating as a result of letting our emotions, our opinions, our beliefs and the rest of unsettledness be our directive principle, where ultimately what ensues are actual situations that we then go into a conflict about, that we fear facing, that we feel completely disempowered to, but here I’ve also learned to challenge the quick responses we have to it such as saying ‘I fear looking at it’ ‘I fear walking through that’ ‘I feel hopeless about that situation’ ‘It makes me so nervous and anxious I rather not look at it’ and so we end up evading it in all ways that we can, but are we really ‘getting away’ from it for real, or are we only prolonging the inevitable confrontation of our creation, of our results or consequences? I’d say the latter is what’s accurate because! As they say ‘what goes around comes around’ and this is a simply saying to remind us that we cannot really ever ‘escape’ from our creation, but the point is also not to be looking at ‘ways’ to evade facing ourselves, but rather realizing the actual gift that walking through a consequence can be in our lives.

This also inevitably brings me back to my childhood years where I feared having to assume responsibility upon something I had in fact done because of fearing being scolded or losing someone’s trust towards me, so the immediate reaction was that of hiding, of lying to ‘save face’ so to speak, which inevitably would lead me feeling guilty because we in fact always know what we did, what we are in fact responsible for and I know that everyone has experienced how uncomfortable guilt and remorse is, which is an outflow of not taking responsibility first hand upon realizing we’ve caused some consequences or outflows that might have been destructive for ourselves or others.

Truth is, the best thing to do and what I’ve recently confirmed in a situation I shared in this vlog is to immediately take responsibility for the situation, to stand up and own one’s consequences, because then we are not defined only by ‘how we screwed something up’ but how we decide to stand in self-respect and honor the situation and the people involved in it by taking responsibility for it, even if that involves only letting others know one is aware of the outflows and has learned the lesson to not repeat it ever again, even though sometimes there are no ways to prevent what has been set in motion – but we surely can only remind us to learn about it.

So how this all ties with evasion is that if in such moment of realizing I had ‘screwed up’ in something, I would have gone into hiding, not immediately responding to the people that were asking for a response to their complaint, I would have remained even more anxious and in a state of guilt which invariably causes more damage to myself and others eventually, whereas in my immediate decision to face my creation, to take responsibility, even though there were consequences I realized it was part of owning my creation and so being able to learn from it myself, to not repeat it in future situations.

The outcome? I eventually was able to get back to my stable self, after doing some self-investigation as to how and why I allowed myself to go into a haste and cause certain consequences – I definitely have learned from it, I assure that. And this is part of what comes within an insta-moment of instead of wanting to wallow in guilt or regret and fear = evading the whole problem and conflict, I decided to stand up to it, own it, take responsibility. Now this is something that doesn’t necessarily need to be applied only to causing ‘conflicts’ with other people – this also very much applies to ourselves and how we relate to our own inner-conflict.

Many times we fear self-honesty, we believe we can hide from a constant experience with which we drown ourselves in fear, in anxiety, in petrification, in guilt, remorse, shame, sadness, helplessness, hopelessness, embarrassment and the list of reactions can go on… but why do we decide to stay in the reactive mode instead of rather taking the situation in our hands and face it, confront it? It’s fascinating how we fear doing what’s most supportive in our lives, and this applies 100% to stopping evading the problem, stopping avoiding the inevitable facing of our creation and that might be temporarily daunting, intimidating, nerve-wracking, but all these are only outflows of having avoided it all for some time – sometimes too long –which compounds everything to a point of making it unbearable – and the reality is that it has always been in our hands to act in the moment, to not allow something to compound to a point of making it unbearable for ourselves/our bodies.

This is what’s implied when it comes to being self-directive, being able to stand up in the moment and take responsibility, take the wheel in our hands and not procrastinate getting to walk through the problem, fix or amend what may be possible to fix or simply learn from it so that we can prevent it from happening again.

Ultimately if one sees that the response to ‘why am I fearing facing this consequence’ is nothing else but more fears or an emotional reaction, then we have to dig deeper by removing the word ‘fear’ and instead seeing what actions or inactions are contained within the basket known as ‘fear’? What am I actually hiding away from by saying ‘I fear consequence’ or ‘I fear my creation’ – same if our response as to why we fear facing our creation is ‘because we feel helpless’ about it, we can investigate further, who am I as helpless, what does it indicate about myself? And that’s where one can go into realizing more about the things we are doing or not doing to assist ourselves that we in fact know we can do, but we haven’t just yet decided to apply ourselves to do so. All of this proves that we in fact do know what is best for us and everyone else involved or not in it, we simply have to get past the fear-excuse and get our hands straight into the necessary changes within who we are in order to face our creation.

So, instead of doing the ‘void-dance’, let’s rather get close and intimate with the situation, being vulnerable, realizing that fear of getting to know the details of our ‘problems’ or conflicts is only a mask to prevent us from actually empowering ourselves with doing the real dance of self creation which comes with its ups and downs, its flaws and charms and all of it is who we are.

Pretending we can forever be perfect is an ideal that leads to perpetual fear of making mistakes, of believing that we can be forever ‘trouble-free’ – why not instead of fearing problems or negative consequences or avoiding all situations we believe might ‘bring consequences’ we instead learn to be comfortable with our ability to stand up from a problem or a consequence, challenging ourselves to own our creation, to test ourselves who we can be and how much we can learn and expand in our response to these things we were hiding, avoiding and running away from. Ultimately, we can only ever really deceive ourselves, so, we can only ‘face the music’ and get to dance to the tune of self-honesty.

Thanks for reading!

 

For further support on understanding and walking through Avoidance, please check out: these series at eqafe.com

  1. Avoidance: Introduction – Altanteans – Part 277
  2. Avoidance: Not So Honest, Actually – Atlanteans – Part 278
  3. Avoidance: Guilt and Responsibility – Atlanteans – Part 279
  4. Avoidance: How You Change – Atlanteans – Part 280
  5. Avoidance: Face Yourself – Atlanteans – Part 281
  6. Avoidance: I’m Right, You’re Wrong – Atlanteans – Part 282
  7. Avoidance: Support – Atlanteans – Part 283
  8. Avoidance: Recognition – Atlanteans – Part 284

 

Face the Music

 

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519. From Fear of Speaking up to Doing So

Or how to realize that those things that we fear the most and prevent doing in our lives hold a key to our self-honesty and self-creation

One of the things that I feared doing was speaking up to people that I had been in a relationship with and I feared doing it because of fearing losing the person – and guess what would happen? I would end up ‘losing the person’ as in ‘losing the relationship’ because of not directing myself to be honest with the person and expose, explain what I would see was going on within them, within myself and so within the relationship – I kept quiet instead and that became a great source of regret for me in the past, because over the years I realized how harmful it was to be aware of what others were doing to themselves – and within it, what I was also accepting and allowing within myself – and not stand up for what makes sense to address in order to change, to become people with integrity and self-respect.

Therefore one of the things that I committed myself to do in ‘the next’ partnership was to speak up, and put aside the fears of doing so and for once and for all step out of that particular fear. Well, I have to say that I did live up to this and didn’t do it that well at first – at times I would still speak up with emotions, at times I would speak up plainly about things I was assuming and not cross-referencing with reality facts, sometimes I was also too lenient to finally speak up, however I eventually learned to first stabilize my reactions, work with them in self-responsibility so that then I could remove all form of blame towards another and simply speak up what I was aware of and cross-reference it, open it up to see if what I was seeing was in fact so or not.

With practice and fine tuning within myself, I did manage to speak up in a relative stable yet direct manner, with a certainty within myself that even if that very moment of speaking up challenged the whole relationship, I still decided to do it, because I reminded myself of how I had compromised myself before in similar situations. I knew that I had to speak up now or remain living in a point of self-compromise and eventual regret. I chose self-honesty and yes, it’s not nice, not pretty, not satisfying for my mind and self-interest – but is exactly what I had to do when deciding to stand as the life that I am learning to respect in myself and others.

What I’m learning and corroborating is that we have to actually challenge those fears and walk through what we would fear saying or doing because of fearing unleashing a ‘worst case scenario’ or what at times one would like to perceive as a ‘nightmare’– but I knew that if I compromised again in not speaking up ‘this time around’ and actually contribute to create a point of change that can assist myself and another to realize ‘what we are doing to ourselves’, I would have thrown to the trash all of these years of preparing and telling myself that ‘I should have spoken up’ in the past, and that ‘I would speak up next time’. This time around, I have been able to ‘pull up m pants’ as they say – even if I wear none, lol – and stand on my self-honesty.

This is something that I can remind myself of every day and be clear within me of where I stand, what I accept and allow in my life and also, allowing myself to let go of my self-interest – manifested as ‘fears’ – and instead contribute to do what is best for us all when facing consequences for our actions, which I consider is the only possible genuine way to learn more about the ways we have compromised our lives and that of others.

This is what’s commonly known as ‘tough love’ and I have definitely been too lenient at times, too ‘supportive’ to a point where it’s not really assisting the other person to walk on their own, too protective at times when trying to prevent someone from walking over their own creation, too ‘considerate’ when trying to ‘save’ another from themselves and this I’ve proven to not be the best way to approach the notion of ‘support’ – instead, with time I realized that even if we have to walk through our ‘biggest fears’,  deciding to live my self-honesty is something I can live with, regardless of the tantrums I might attempt to throw in my mind.  By doing what’s common sensical to do = what’s best for all involved, I can stand at the ‘end of time’ and see that it was what was needed for a situation to actually improve, for ourselves to actually wake up from our mind-slumber and learn and understand what it means to be creators of our lives in their totality.  

Sometimes it can be sad when we have to walk through our own created consequences and some might be harsh ones that ultimately are the only ways I’ve seen can assist us to dismantle our dishonesties, our lies, our points of compromise, our points of dishonesty – while also knowing that with sufficient self-work assist oneself to stand up from it all and develop some real integrity and self-support, learn from it and stand up strengthened.  This is the one point that I’ll continue to work on because there is still a sense of ‘sadness’ that comes with having to face consequences, after seeing the potentials for the best – but again I repeat to myself: potential is everywhere, in each one of us, and yes we can foresee and project magnificent outcomes for each one of us ‘as a potential,’ but working to create it individually, for ourselves – not for another, not for ‘something’ separate from ourselves – is the actual challenge and the real test of where we stand in our lives, as individuals, as self-creators.

In the end it’s also about realizing that sometimes consequences are our best teacher and walking through them with integrity, self-responsibility and humbleness is the best way to then give the next steps in our lives, by learning from our mistakes, our choices, our decisions and prevent future similar situations, and that’s something we can only do for ourselves individually and keep walking the journey to life, waking up with and going to bed every day with the only person that we have the power to genuinely change in all aspects we see is needed: ourselves.

This means that speaking up ‘towards another’ is not the real point here, but this is in fact an outflow of being able to stand up within myself first and speaking up to my own mind and strengthen my own self-honesty and I consider this is the exact path to honoring our lives, even if it seems ‘fearful’ to our minds: we have the ability to transcend and work through those fears to then at some point in time be able to look back and thank ourselves for standing in self-integrity and self-honesty.

Thanks for reading

 

Suggested Interviews for further support:


  1. Compromising for Love (Part 1) – Relationship Success Support


  2. Compromising for Love (Part 2) – Relationship Success Support

 

watch your mouth

 

Join us in our process of Self-Creation as LIFE


502. From Feeling Sorry to Owning our Consequences

Or what does it reveal about me to ‘feel sorry for others’ and how to turn it into a supportive point of change in me

There’s this experience that I have noticed as one of those very ingrained aspects of myself where feeling sorry for another becomes a way to create a form of ‘care’ – again, lol – that is definitely not supportive and relies on diminishing the potential and capacity of others to stand up for themselves and own their creation.

What does it reveal about myself to pity or feel sorry for others? It is the acceptance and allowance of self-pity within myself, where even if I cannot spot it existing as ‘who I am’ currently, it has been an ingrained aspect of going into an inferiority, a victimization, a ‘sorry for me’ type of experience that I can definitely see very much ‘there’ in relation to myself in the past, which I have been projecting onto others that I have associated to be similar to ‘me in the past’ and thus wanting to create a form of empathy or support that ends up compromising not only myself but the other person I ‘feel sorry for’ or believe is being ‘unfairly treated’ or is going through some kind of ‘injustice.’

This ‘feeling sorry’ for another is defined by the character that wants to ‘save’ another for example from certain circumstances or consequences in their life where I for example decide to completely stand as a pillar for them to stand up and in doing so, not really questioning: what am I actually doing when considering that the other person is genuinely incapable of taking self-responsibility or standing up for themselves?

This is where we develop relationships with other people based on self-compromise. Example, if there are consequences or situations that have been experienced by them in their lives, it is also part of their creation and what they have to own as their life, their actions and inactions, their decisions – which is exactly what I’ve learned to do with myself and my own life, to not diminish my capacity in any way to be able to change and do the necessary work to change in the possibilities that I have in my reality.

Of course here I am talking about people that are already having the basics to live and have all the means to create ways to support themselves –  even more so, there are truly disempowered people in this world that even in very real worst case scenarios push and stand up through the worst of the situations, which also allowed me to place into context my kind of ‘sorry’ and ‘worry’ which has been a life-long patter – up to now and that I am committing and deciding to stop here – which has led to compromise within myself and others.

There is one point missed at times which is that even if we support another and they decide that there’s a willingness to support themselves as well, there is one step from having the intent or even ‘will’ to do it and actually living them and that’s where even if one can temporarily stand as a point of support for another, it does have to get to the point where each one must stand by themselves completely and this potential exists in all of us human beings and we know it because every person is always an individual and no matter how much you want to stand as a point of support for another, it’s always up to another to own their creation and stand up for themselves.

Here looking at ‘sorry for others’ as well in the context of consequences that a person has actually created in their lives, where I can also go into the belief that things just ‘happen’ to others instead of seeing how there is always a point of acceptance and allowance for that point to exist in their/our lives. Here is where I have to see how I can still go into thinking that some things in this world are ‘unfair’ to people instead of completely taking responsibility for it all, for we are all in fact one and equal.  

Yet I forget that consequences and facing real harsh consequences can be the most supportive thing, not can be, they are in fact the most supportive things we can have whenever we haven’t yet been able to see the effects of our creation, of our participation in our mind and so in our actions. We have taught ourselves to ‘fear consequence’ yet, it is precisely through fearing that we neglect taking the actions to change something and in the end, we create that which we feared only to then be able to face it and stand through it to realize how much we led to a consequential outcome just because we feared something, without questioning the fear itself in the first place.

‘Feeling sorry’ for another is another dimension of implying that I am in fact diminishing the other person from being able to own their creation, I am creating an experience toward them that sort of confirms their inability to ‘stand up for themselves’ while I know they are also capable, because I have done it for myself as well and so if I have done it, so can you, so can anyone. In other words, the best way to assist another person is precisely to not feel sorry for them or to go into an experience of ‘worry as care’ as I’ve shared in previous blogs, because that’s completely futile as real support.

Sometimes what’s required is what is commonly perceived as ‘tough love’ where allowing a person to face consequence is the best way to genuinely support another, to learn what it means to make a decision and live it fully into its completion, into a full creation where we can face what we’ve done, become and take responsibility for it from beginning to end – this is not about good or bad – but about experiencing what is the result and outcome of a continued participation in a particular intent, thoughts, experiences, plans, etc. And also to see what it means to face consequences based on actions or inactions that were truly in one’s hands to do and work on. 

So I decide to instead of ‘feeling sorry’ for others to rather first recognize their creation, their outcome as who they have been up to that point wherein no matter how ‘lost’ one may seem in the mind, there’s always this one moment of making a decision to feed the conflict or stop it and find ways to change. And here thus, it’s more honorable to break up a delusion of ‘being sorry for others’ as any form of care, and in my case rather integrate the realization that real care is the one that would show you the way in which you can face your creation, your consequences in a supportive manner, but preventing oneself from consequence is definitely only perpetuating self-abuse, a perpetual immaturity in living potential because that’s how we’ve ended up creating our gods, our authorities as parents, governments and the rest of it, where we then learn to blame when things go wrong and throw tantrums and create self-pity and victimization, instead of learning to stand up, review all the steps of our creation and own every step of it to the point of being able to fully recognize ‘this is me, I’ve done this, I’ve become this, therefore I can change’ because again, doing this is then empowering for each other, it’s what real freedom is from my perspective.

This is then a personal note whenever wanting to go into ‘feeling sorry’ or ‘pitying another’ to remind myself of owning our creations, learning from our consequences which is a very specific process for each one of us, of course according to our creation and that’s how we can also make of consequences a gift to see where we had to stand up in our lives, what we had not yet learned about ourselves and our capacity yet, where we still have to fine-tune our resolve in certain points of change – it’s all part of the process and so not to judge oneself or others for it and fall into an emotional experience for it, but stand up and learn from it.

In any case all I can ever do is assist others to realize the gift of owning our consequences, of the necessity of consequences many times for us to wake up from our slumber and also to learn to see these outcomes and outflows as our creation that we can change from now on, to not be defined by it but rather focus on learning how to stand up from it and make that be our strength and not a perpetual weakness.

Thanks for reading.

 

Recommended:

 

Join us in our process of Self-Responsibility as LIFE


501. Taking Responsibility Sets Us Free

Or how to Own our Creation, Learn from it and Stand up from it as a process of self-empowerment

 

This morning I noticed how we have the ability to wake up in stability but at the least movement of my mind assessing my current reality and a process of change and consequence I am facing, I experienced the movement of what I can define as energy in the form of anxiety and nervousness, also accessing imagination as future projections, outflows and potential situations where I would be facing and owning my creation, taking responsibility for a consequence I have co-created.

In these moments I also saw how in my mind, what I was doing is in fact bringing up the same anxiety or nervousness I had experienced in the past, long time ago when having to confront a situation, when I would mostly go into fear, anxiety, nervousness and worry while playing out these future moments in my mind where I would be confronting a situation, walking through the process it will involve and making it a worst case scenario in my mind through participating in these emotions charged to potential outcomes that I have associated with ‘worst case scenarios’ in my life before.

Therefore I had to stop and ask ‘what am I creating in this moment?’ because I could see this experience is here more as a memory of my past experience when facing somewhat similar consequences, yet I was re-enacting them again, exactly ‘feeling’ or ‘experiencing’ myself as who I was in those precise moments of imagining the worst and making of a situation that yes will involve changes, adaptations, walking through consequences yet in that moment I also actively decided to ask myself: why do I have to be the exact same memory of myself ‘back then’ when I am not the same person anymore that I was back then?

Here a very interesting point of awareness emerged which is noticing the conditioning of ‘who we are’ based on memories and past experiences wherein in my mind I learned to associate this kind of ‘problem’ or ‘conflict’ with a particular set of responses at an emotional level, which I was recreating to the T this time around.

So I saw how it is my decision to not play out those same experiences anymore – and what emerged was a bunch of justifications, how it is ‘normal’ to have this kind of emotions in situations like this and how it is kind of ‘expected’ for me to feel overwhelmed in this anxiety and nervousness – I decided to stop that again and instead focused on reminding me that those experiences I have self-forgiven, I have walked and understood as patterns that I have created before to ‘face’ things, but I had to now integrate within myself the realization that I don’t have to live through this consequence and situation just like every other time before when I had a ‘worst case scenario’ or what I’ve defined even as ‘worst case scenario’.

This also means that I realized it is up to me how I decide to See and Perceive things, which started from me stopping from the get to my ‘usual’ past ways of dealing with situations like this, feeling like a victim, feeling ‘worthless’ or feeling like I had done something utterly and completely wrong and that I was cursed for life – lol. So, yeah that was me facing a point that I created in my life and when it would not work out ‘the expected way’ I would yes, usually go into blame, victimization, not wanting to admit my role in the problem and consequences. All of that was disempowering as hell, because one can feed up those experiences as emotions up to the brim, and no result will ever come out of that, I can guarantee you, that’s how people spend years and years hooked on a kind of worst-past-case-scenario situation and existing in guilt, blame, remorse, what ifs, victimization, etc.. that’s definitely not who I decide to be this time in my life.

So, what is empowering is that I was able to make a clear decision to not judge others, to not hold it up ‘against’ anyone here, but entirely focus on my own responsibility in creating this situation/outflow as a problem, conflict or what I usually would define as ‘worst case scenario’ in my life, which is also something I am deciding now that I am writing it out to not see it that way, because that’s also how we condition ourselves to ‘label’ things in our minds and accordingly already prepare our ‘armor’ of emotions that usually go attached to ‘worst case scenarios’ and I decide to not do it any longer either.

Up to this time of the day, the anxiety or nervousness attached to future projections has come up several times, but I keep standing in that moment in my body and breathing and not even allowing the first ‘spike’ of the nervousness to ‘flourish’ but breathing it in, while realizing this is not what I decide to feed and letting it go.

Here of course understanding that I have worked on these emotions in relation to this situation real time when I saw the emotions becoming overwhelming, and from there living out the correction which is to not fuel, to not ‘go there’ and try and find anything in projecting these future moments – instead I have been reminding myself of ‘stick to the moment’ so as to not lay out my coming future in front of me as a series of unfortunate events, because surely, that’s how we doom ourselves in our day to day if we focus on all the ‘pile of things’ that we will face, but rather take it moment by moment, breath by breath and this has been a very supportive way to face this conflictive situations.

Another point then and as a title to this blog is owning my creation and realizing that taking responsibility for my part in the creation of this whole outflow comes from the moment that I stepped into the creation of this situation, and all the way through to what is now one of the outflows that I had also considered before, yet ‘went into it’ because I went into hope that it could function and work out for the best, but here again then reminding myself to not hold on to a potential so much if actions are demonstrating more than intentions the reality of things.

So, in my case then it is about reminding myself, actively, in every moment that an experience of sadness, sorrow, an experience of failure emerges in me, I remind myself that I have created this outcome, therefore there is no point in experiencing more about it, I can only focus on the next steps to create solutions.

Thus in owning my creation, my consequence I also empower myself in not depending on something or someone for me to stand up and be directive in my experience, because I don’t blame others or I don’t go into only seeing ‘the problem’ only and keep myself reacting to it – instead I understand that I can change my experience through it, that it doesn’t’ have to be as how ‘everyone faces conflicts’ in their lives and that this is again supportive in my life as I can only ever learn from my creation and take responsibility for it, to again consider these play outs and consequences for my life and what I decide to create for myself.

Here also then as I write that, a slight anxiety comes as changes are ahead, however again that is only based on a memory of how I used to always ‘face’ situations of change, of the unknown, or stepping out of a comfort zone, yet what do I know? I create my future in every moment that I am living here, there is no ‘future’ in fact guaranteed out there so in fact it is a series of decisions of what I do or don’t do on every moment.  I am also aware that no matter what, I have my self-trust, my self-awareness, my ability to discern and expand myself as it may be required.

Here then a very cool suggestion I got is to not only see the problems, conflicts or loss as ‘all the negative’ that we are having to change, correct, align and let go of, but also at the opportunities that emerge from it, what I gain as a process of growth with it because nothing in our lives, not even those ‘mistakes’ that we could hold us captive in blame for ages, are ‘in vain’ – we decide to make them ‘in vain’ if we don’t learn and grow from experiences, and we repeat the same and same and same over again.

Therefore I decide to also learn from my creation, to own it, to walk through it from its beginning to its end, and at the same time go walking through the challenges it will bring and see these challenges not as ‘difficulties’ but as opportunities to grow as well.

This is then what also ‘sets us free’ in owning our creation, in taking responsibility for what we’ve done and become, that we at the same time recognize our ability to change, to adapt, to expand, to grow and ultimately that’s what life is really about, whether we happen to like it or not, lol, the only thing that is certain is constant change and we can decide whether that change is for the best or for the worst, up to us yet, I also see that whenever ‘big’ consequences hit our doors, it is also an opportunity for growth.

So, I’d say it’s time for us to learn to approach problems, conflicts, consequences or so-called ‘worst case scenarios’ in absolute self-responsibility, willingness to learn from it and stand up from it. That’s the kind of decisions that I know! First hand, we are not ‘naturally’ doing or ‘comfortable’ with, and I noticed a load of memory baggage as reasons why I should be in a very bad emotional experience right now, but I decided to challenge that and at the same time work with whatever it is still coming out in my mind and so physical experience, because it also just won’t stop coming out, but I can definitely change who I am in relation to what ‘pops out’ and remain directive, take it breath by breath, moment by moment, and that’s how we can liberate ourselves from ‘the burden’ while at the same time not escaping or evading the consequence or point to change and walk itself, but remaining self-directive as one walks the consequence and at the same time seeing it as a point of self-change and self-growth.

Thanks for reading.

 

Recommended audios:

 

Azul


499. From Captivity to Creating the Space to Grow

Or how to create relationships as safe and supportive spaces to change and outgrow the past as individuals

 

I’ve been noticing how it is that we create our own entrapment as definitions toward one another wherein we don’t actively consider the ability for another person to change from ‘who they were’ and ‘who they are now’ and so, in a way through our interactions with each other one can create expectations about how another person ‘usually reacts’ or ‘usually responds’ to something and in this assumption, we are shutting the door to change, to enabling the other person to in fact ‘step out of character’ as their usual programming and apply themselves in their own self-change.

It’s quite a sabotaging situation really and I’ve faced both ends in my relationship with my partner where I’ve been in the position of condemning him already for something that I expect he’s done or not done or experiencing, expecting a ‘usual’ pattern that I had noticed in him – or worse! That I had assumed he was experiencing or reacting to, but wasn’t so at all – and at the same time, I’ve also now contributed to creating certain conditionings from him towards me based on initial reactions I would have to particular type of conversations to a point where then he doesn’t share about such things anymore, based on how I would usually go a whiney-reaction. Here I had to understand that I did it to myself and I caused it on another, while also reminding him that he can also assist me in letting go of that perception or anticipation and rather assist me in sharing the same points again so that I can test myself around those points.

So in this type of situations of course it takes one in a couple or in a group of people to stand up and take responsibility for acknowledging and witnessing these limiting play outs. This is precisely one of those aspects that are very important for us people walking this process from consciousness to awareness to take the lead in being the ones that step out of the ‘usual flow’ of such situations and can point out the assumptions, the limitations and the conditional expressions that are going on in both or all ways and explain them so that it becomes a supportive feedback to realize the limitation and so create a new agreement of how to approach these situations so that both or more can be supportive about it.

This is what I did recently with my partner after I noticed how I was being precisely in these two ends of the pattern, within the assumption or expecting of another to ‘do the same and not change’ while also having the other person assume that I would react to the same and so preventing it by not sharing it.

I opened this up not within a reaction or making out of it an accusatory point or blame or victimization- no, it was a simple moment of sharing what I was seeing had been happening all along with my partner, how I have in fact limited him based on the initial reactions I would see he would had towards certain things or ‘states of mind’ that I believed I could learn to ‘read’ in him, but! I would not ask directly to him, I mostly usually assumed them – or would get too inquisitive to the point that it would become too analyzing and over-patronizing from me towards him whenever I would perceive certain ‘attitudes’ or expressions, which I had to acknowledge was my own paranoia created toward him that in fact is limiting towards both of us, because it’s me existing as the expectation or even ‘fear’ of him not changing or doing the same over and over again as an experience or ‘state of mind’ within him, which now that I’ve been rather cross-referencing with him and asking directly without any whiney-tones or over-analyzing nature.

I’ve realized how I had been assuming a LOT about him,  just because I was still expecting a particular ‘attitude’ as a constant demonstration of him being at ease or calm etc. based on how I demonstrate such comfort in myself, forgetting that not everyone will ‘express it’ the same way.  Yet I’ve found that he obviously has his very own ways of being quite stable and in comfort within himself even if to me I assume he’s got a ‘straight face’ or could be ‘uncomfortable’ lol which is still indicating two things: one, that I am over-paranoid about ‘how he’s doing’ and at the same time I am expecting him to ‘become like me’ which won’t happen and should not happen in any way, because this is about him and his expression, his mind, his body, his process of awareness, etc.  I still can ask and find out that I am completely assuming something very different to what he is experiencing.

So what have I learned here? That I was over-assuming, I was creating a paranoia about ‘his states of being’ and at the same time, I was trapping him within my mind in the idea of him never changing, which is, to say the least very, very limited and quite unfair because I am holding my own previous judgments of previous moments, past times and impose them towards ‘who he is’ currently as if it is ‘still defining him’ because ‘that’s how he used to be.’

Well, this is the kind of not supportive approach towards another and here I commit myself to stop assuming and rather first Let Go of wanting to know all the time ‘how he’s doing’ because that’s actually me as expectation or rather as a ‘fear’ of ‘him not changing’ which should not exist in me either because I’ve seen how it’s not cool for me towards him nor the other way around to be holding each other captive in certain roles or characters. At the same time his process is definitely something that I don’t have to be ‘commanding’ on, we can comment and discuss stuff and get to certain understandings which is cool, but I absolutely see that I have to step down from my exigency towards him and stopping defining myself as ‘being very exigent’ towards others as well, because it becomes over-protective and this stiffness and rigidity in my stance toward another.

Here acknowledging self-responsibility for myself means I have to focus on myself and where I can acknowledge my own mistakes and control-freakism in this case and explain the patterns, acknowledge them and own them myself, which is what I’ve done towards him and explaining how I noticed this ‘trap’ that I was imposing onto him expecting ‘the worst’ when in fact this was created based on memories only and not really ‘here’ as who he is currently and the points he’s working on himself.

Therefore, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to hold another captive in a particular character and experience of their past or how I created a usual perception of who they were when first getting to know them, wherein I still tend to want to check ‘where he is’ currently and ‘how he is experiencing himself’ as an attempt to cross reference ‘how he is changing or not’ but this is my own paranoia and it doesn’t support him either at all, while at the same time I have to completely ‘let go’ of wanting to have any impact on him and his life for the better, because this is not about ‘me wanting to achieve results upon him,’ but entirely about him and what he decides to do or not do for himself and in his life.

Therefore I have to let go of wanting to ‘know’ or ‘check him’ in that way, because placing myself in his shoes, I would not like to be treated that way either.

And at the same time I also explained to him how I have definitely caused him to now not talk about certain things based on my reactions towards that in the past. So I explained that yes, that was me in the past and I have considered and looked at the points that I have to change within myself so that he can also please assist me in continuing to open up those same points I would ‘react’ to in the past and test myself out this time around. Because! I explained that in doing so, it’s a way to assist myself in now embracing those topics, questions, aspects he brings up and watch out for my attempts to react to it, because then I would be the one creating ‘cycles’ within me toward him and vice-versa. And I also explained how I consider this is how partnership relationships become conflictive and stifled in lacking communication over time where one holds a grudge toward the other and vice-versa eventually basing the entire current-moment that is being lived conditioned to the past, to ‘who we were’ and that’s absolutely not cool, not giving any room to grow ourselves as individuals and so in the relationship.

Here, I also have become aware of how in partnership relationships, if both people ‘stick to their egos’ in the form of pride or righteousness as in believing that ‘the other person is always wrong and I am always right’ that’s the most toxic stance that creates a maiming, a stifling and stagnation in any potential growth individually or as a couple, because if we hold each other captive to ‘who we were’ or how we have come to know another ‘usually reacts to this/that’ then, we are already expecting the person to not change, to ‘remain in character’ instead of rather in those moments, stopping our assumptions, stopping our ‘expected outcomes as usual’ and give ourselves that space to grow,  that moment to breathe and settle into our potential as that chance, that opportunity for us to change, to do things differently this time around.

That’s exactly what I’ll be focusing on and applying specifically towards my partner and remind myself that it’s not up to me how he goes walking his own process of self-change, but entirely about him and his responsibility. I can only stand as an equal to him that can be a point of support, of reference of direct assistance if needed but all of this has to be done unconditionally, not regurgitating assumptions based on memories, based on the past.

What does it take to do this? It takes letting go of that tendency to want to be ‘in control’ of something and instead give space for another to breathe, to play with their own realizations and situations which has actually worked much better in other aspects where I’ve been directly not pointing out ‘all that I believe he must change’ but more have allowed him to go noticing certain things over time, and this again that I just shared is still coming from my idea, belief or perception that I am ‘more aware’ than him, but in any case whether it is so or not, I have to completely let go of a ‘knowing’ and instead simply work with what is here, in the moment, being and committing myself to be the one that stands up to ‘stop the back and forth limitations’, to remind ourselves of having to step out of these cycles of expectations and assumptions based on ‘who we were in the past’ and rather assist each other to test ourselves, who we are in every moment without expectation, without holding on to grudges which yes it is another toxic aspect in relationships where we haven’t allowed ourselves to forgive ourselves and each other for some kind of conflict in the past.

This then ensures that we can acknowledge the patterns being played out and get to our personal responsibility about them and remind ourselves/each other of it, yet it’s all up to us individually to change it, yet together in the relationship.

I therefore will continue working on becoming flexible but more so giving that space, to not ‘asphyxiate’ others when it comes to ‘pushing them to change’ in one way or another, because that is definitely not how this process works and I instead have to focus on letting go of my tendency to control and be ‘on top of all things’ as in a superiority actually fueled by fear wherein I have to be considerate of another’s process and me not wanting to ‘push’ anything, but only be an example without any hidden agenda either, otherwise I’d compromise my own self movement to do it to ‘show him’ or ‘show others’ and that’s not the point either, lol –

It’s fascinating how this whole process is really about a constant assessment of finding the equilibrium in one’s participation with others and in our lives, not going into extremes out of reactions but live words that are supportive according to the situations we’re facing, test them out and see what the outcomes are, to from that continue rearranging, re-assessing, fine-tuning and testing again… it’s a constant thing to do but a very cool one because it is about asserting our own authority as authors of our lives, of deciding to actively fine tune things that we would have normally lived out in ‘auto-pilot’ mode and this way we can challenge and so change the ‘usual ways’ that relationships had existed in this world and now turn them into ‘safe spaces’ with one another in personal agreements to commit to self-change while continuously having someone else that gets to know us very well – and vice versa – that can assist us when one is going into ‘the same old reactions’ while at the same time not being controlling or overbearing in ‘pointing all the wrong things out’ – it’s a fine balance, but with prudence it can be done.

It can be a bit complex to explain and generalize this because it all depends on each situation, but I am confident that we all can find that ‘equilibrium’ spot in our relationships which will be understood and realized and we’ll become aware of being ‘at it’ because we won’t have any conflict towards our partner or another in our minds, it will involve an immediate humbleness and consideration towards another and their life, their process, while being able to provide feedback while at the same time letting go of any ‘expected result’ out of it, and that’s how it goes. It’s like an in breath and out breath in those situations and all it takes in my case is to let go of my ego that wants to ‘control it all’ and ‘overbearing’ which I have to first apply to myself in order to not recreate these very patterns again, and that’s how I can bring the point first back to myself instead of focusing ‘on another’ or ‘another’s process’ – while also making others aware of not doing the same towards us, but be a point of support that can assist each other in facing those ‘usual points we react to’ and bringing them up again, and again, and again until we can be clear and stand through it.

Thanks for reading

 

Libera las Ataduras

 

Join us in our process of Self-Awareness as LIFE


450. Is it about Others or is it about ME?

Today there was a great point opened up in a group discussion about how easily we give up on ‘others’ which in fact means we give up on ourselves. This reminded me essentially of every single relationship I’ve had with people that are of more intimate and personal nature. It reminded me of how easy it is to keep that backdoor as ‘opt-out’-mode whenever any relationship becomes challenging, it is then when I can look at myself becoming very uncomfortable in those relationships/situations with people, starting to find flaws every time and in a way becoming paranoid wherein every single thing they said or did, I started to ‘frame’ it within this same belief and idea of ‘there being something wrong with them, very very wrong!’ and interestingly enough, I never, ever questioned myself as in seeing:

‘Who am I within this experience I have towards OTHERS in my life? Is it only my experience and so my creation that I am projecting as these emotions of discomfort, of disgust, of ‘unpleasant’ times that I actually am having within myself and imposing onto ‘them’ Where am I not focusing more on dealing with my inner experiences instead of focusing on others and calling them the ‘reason of my experience’?

Nope, I never asked myself these questions because I’ve realized how our default ‘status’ in our minds is that of believing that we are ‘always right’ and ‘always the ones that are ‘objective’ in the situation’ – lol, I can laugh at myself now because that’s exactly what I have been/become throughout my entire life, always considering that I had some kind of ‘special view’ that was more objective than others, and so if I saw anything ‘out of place’ in another, then it would be so… which is of course the ego speaking for us in which we trap ourselves looking ‘outwardly’ instead of inwards.

But as it was shared in this awesome group discussion, the only way to know if what we see is really an observation about another, is to Drop all Charges – to drop the energetic experience toward another and take responsibility for it – to then be able to first work with one’s own reaction as an experience of say ‘discomfort’ towards another and realize: it’s our creation and I have to take responsibility for it; and once that one is absolutely and totally clear, nothing moving energetically towards ‘another’ then I can focus in re-assessing if I still see this point in a situation or in another as I did when I was possessed/controlled/dominated by an emotional reaction within me.

Man, these are the moments where yes in a way ‘I wish I knew this before’ back in the day in my life, but as with anything, to convert Regret into a gift that we can give to ourselves in our lives from today.

Please watch this video for support from Sunette discussing on this one: Regret – Remembering the Great https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M6VbGWxbMoo  

Also this great other one about Conflict

A Conflictual Relationship with Conflict – YouTube

 

I remember exactly how some 10 years ago I would write ‘my thoughts’ on a diary, but mostly all of the words there were used to justify my experience, to build up on my paranoia about ‘why everything is so wrong with another person’ and never did I ever open up or even consider how ‘Hmm! Maybe I am the creator of that experience within myself!’ Never happened, and that very much shows the ‘real nature’ or ingrained status-quo of who we are in our minds, where we are always quick to judge, point fingers, blame – blame, blame, blame – others for whatever we are experiencing within ourselves.

Here, if there’s one point that I see is of utmost necessity that all of us human beings look at is the word Blame, really. There is nothing else that I’ve seen ingrained as fuck – sorry for the word but that is so – as ‘stuck’ in our minds as this desire to always look ‘outside’ of ourselves for the source of our experiences, instead of first asking ourselves ok why am I ‘B-Laming /(being Lame’ towards others? Why not first looking within myself, focusing on myself and my experience TOWARDS that person?  Actually today I was talking with someone about the word ‘inward’ and this can be a key word to remind ourselves of looking first and foremost at the inner-ward we are keeping ourselves in our inner-wars of experiences that we believe another is capable of causing within ourselves…. When in fact, time and time again, it seems we have to remind ourselves that this is not able to happen in fact, we can only do it to ourselves. And that’s the necessary bucket of cold water that we all need to wake up whenever we see we are having this ‘person in our heads’ and making of them our human-piñatas, the punching bag that we can kick and blame for how we experience ourselves, which is in fact a deplorable aspect of our humanity and it’s got to change, and I cannot change anyone else but myself.

So, back to the point of giving up on others in my life. I can honestly also see where it is that I did ‘all that was possible’ with some and how I gave up too easily and too quickly on others, very prematurely I’d say. And now it is not for me to judge myself for that either, but to rather see from now on and recognize these moments of going into a form of desperation really, where apparently I cannot ‘keep going with’ or think that ‘something is not working’ or believing that ‘I’ve done all I can.’ I now know I have to make sure I am not reacting about it, because if I am, what do I know? I am in fact justifying and magnifying my vilifying towards OTHERS when in fact, I have some real shit to deal with within myself first of all.

So far I cannot say I have done this successfully with most people, but have managed with a very few and it is precisely the points where I learned to understand another in their very context, situation, mind, getting to really know them to understand ‘why they are what they are’ and that has been very, very supportive for me to learn what it means to consider another in themselves, in the totality of themselves. I have shared before how this has been the case with my current partner and in the very beginning of getting to know him, there were several times I just saw ‘no point’ or a ‘lost cause’ in certain situations, but the interesting thing is that he would be very stable and just being ‘himself’ in those moments, lol, whereas I would at times break down in tears and expectations of ‘being treated differently’ or expecting some ‘evident changes’ in what? A matter of weeks or few months of talking/getting to know ourselves? Which also proves how I was coming more from the perspective of wanting to ‘change’ another, instead of actually first getting to know and understand another and being unconditional in the sense of not expecting ‘anything in return’ other than the mutual communication and support this can mean for both or more people involved.

So I can definitely relate on how if there is an experience of ‘giving up’ on another and seeing it almost as a struggle, then, hello! The problem is not ‘them’ but ourselves, who we are towards them, what are our fears, expectations, desires, wants, needs that are not being ‘fulfilled’ by another? Or what is it that we ‘wanted them to be’ that we just can’t get ‘from them’ and so in fact become unsatisfied and so bring up the ‘ending the relationship’ card any moment that one faces these challenges that don’t really define the other, but it defines everything about oneself/myself.

What I’ve learned thus throughout this relationship is to see what it means to let go of ‘my desire to change another’ and instead only be an example, be a point of support but at the same time getting to know myself in a relationship where yes I speak up whenever it is required and when I notice patterns that we have talked about time and time again, yet I don’t create a reaction around it – here, it’s not been as easy to get to this point as I am able to share it now – it is a moment to moment process, where I have to remind myself to not get possessed when not seeing my ‘expectations met’ and to not be demanding and controlling of another, but to rather stand as an example, if anything, for another yet at the same time not creating that condition of ‘wanting to be paid with the same amount/ways of how I’ve done onto another’ – because it’s not really about ‘another’ but about me living and expressing who I want to be as myself, as my expression, me doing as I’d like to be done onto – without expecting anything in return – and surprisingly so, this has actually created that flexibility or say ‘letting go of my constant expectations ‘towards others’, it definitely is one of those points I’d say can create an actual stability to ‘walk with another.’

Now I’ve developed ways to bring up the points and in the moment I also have had to still stop myself from several times wanting to ‘make a case against someone’ and not clearing myself first, and after I’ve cleared myself if I still see the relevance of opening up a point/subject, I do so, but what I’ve noticed is that it is no longer this ‘running around in circles’ point in my head, but I speak it very directly and ‘as is’ and then I can be assertive in my stance because I’m not reacting, I’m speaking based on a clear assessment and this is then where it even becomes easier to assist another if the other person goes into a reaction, to speak about it, open it up, but best thing is to be able to ‘see it for what it is’ and so focus on practical considerations once that the ‘storm dissipates’, what each one has to do/work with or let go of and so we keep walking.

An example of what I’ve noticed is how whenever I am in a reaction and I am trying to ‘make a point’ is that I start speaking louder and almost in a ‘preachy’ mode, which indicates that I am holding a personal investment in the point, that I am bringing it up hoping to get some kind of benefit back or ‘proving myself right’ etc… which has been also cool to be pointed out about it, because it is something I know I am experiencing and that’s where I have to spot a pride situation going on where I don’t want to admit ‘Yes, I am reacting’ as that would prove we first have to deal with the things within ourselves first.

It’s weird we have assigned almost like a ‘negative charge’ to being honest about oneself still having to deal with things, instead of making these moments those self-honest treasures that we can then open up to reveal ourselves to ourselves and work with those points to correct ourselves, to align ourselves for once and for all.

If we work on that first point of being OK with admitting ‘Ok yes, I am reacting here indeed’ or ‘Ok, yes you are right, I am exalted in this point, I need to take a moment to reflect on it’ or even ‘Yes, I agree, it is true, I am reacting here, what do you see in this point?’ and so get feedback on what the other person says and then it becomes about referencing self-honesty and common sense, rather than an: I said, you said, she/he said… and it is so much better to develop a communication and interaction with others where we actually learn to ‘dig’ within ourselves and so share our perspectives and experiences, rather than continuing building up our personal paranoia ‘about others’ and not even daring to open up the point ‘as is’ with another.

So yes, this is what I’ve worked with, walked with and continue to do so in my relationship, with a person that goes at his own pace in his decision to support himself to become a better person, which means that the first dimension is there for me to also stand with in this situation, we are both individuals supporting ourselves in our individual ways to learn to see ourselves as our mind, to understand our reactions and commit to work through it. And this has actually made of the relationship a lot less challenging in those aspects than it was before. Now this doesn’t mean it’s ‘perfect’ but it is quite great for me to learn to first take a step back whenever I see myself wanting to ‘flare up’ in certain situations and dig further, ask more questions, get the full perspective and so learn to even communicate effectively!

Lol this morning I was precisely remembering how it is that there have been existential wars between races because of essentially not having effective communication, having misunderstandings and this was like a huge ‘Duh!’ I had at the time when I got to understand that, because I see how a lot of the problems we create (note, we don’t have them, we create them) are based on not understanding something, so just like I read from Sunette’s blog one day whenever we have a problem we can instead ask ourselves: what am I not understanding effectively yet? And so learn to become like these investigators ourselves of our experience, of how to ‘solve’ our problem and so be able to more effectively support/assist others to try out the same ways/techniques of self-introspection within themselves, like asking questions, asking lots of questions in the ways of getting the ‘the self interest’ point, like: what do I fear losing here? What do I desire to get? What is limiting myself? Or ‘What is it in me for doing/saying/acting on this/that point?

Here then some examples of what I’ve been actively applying, where it does take that one moment to ‘put a guard in front of my reaction-engine’ in my mind and body so that I can instead take a moment to understand better, get more information, cross-reference the points in common sense, devoid of my preferred outcome or self-interest, so in a way yes being unconditional – and so in that, learn to better understand another, their context, their mind, their experience and so make sure that whatever I experience based on what is said or done, I take responsibility for and only when I am clear, I can lay out the points not as ‘this is the problem, deal with it’ but also with the opening to create solutions, to be willing to ‘do my part’ as well in being part of the solution, and in this, very important: also letting go of the expectation that ‘the other will do their part too as I do’ – because this is about myself, who I am and what I decide to be and become, not about another.

To me, having been a very controlling and imposing person – almost a fascist at times with people, sorry about that lol  – I am now learning more about what it means to be more considerate, flexible and humble toward others and so to let go as well. And so also have to remind myself to first focus on me, to not be demanding of others something I haven’t lived/done for myself entirely. And yes, whenever I am very direct, straightforward and to the point in how I ‘walk’ with another, how I assist another, it is because I have done this for myself and it works best – though in this I also learn how to be more gentle or approach the same support in various ways depending on where the person is/at in their life, process, mind, life experience. So this has been every enjoyable for me really, also related to assisting/supporting people in this same process, it’s such a nutritional experience for a lack of a better word, and I am grateful for being in the position I am and with the responsibility it entails because it also pushes me to become a better person myself in what I do and what I’ve decided to live for the rest of my life: making of myself an example of what it means to let go of conflict and problem-based mentality, but being entirely willing to first and foremost be my own source of solutions and corrections that I can then nurture, cross-reference with others and in doing so, create also relationships of support geared to changing the nature of relationships/interrelationships which is what currently life is based on.

In terms of ‘giving up’ on someone, doesn’t define them but it entirely defines who we are, and this can only be assessed case by case, situation by situation where we can make sure we’ve done all we can possibly can do to stand up with/par on par with another, where one is not compromising oneself for the sake of ‘supporting’ another in means of ‘saving them’ because that’s quite consequential. And I am entirely looking forward for more support on these topics through the great website that has changed/expanded the reaches of ‘what is possible’ for ourselves as human beings in this world Eqafe.com, so check it out too and learn what it really means to be focused on being the change we want to see in this world.

 

Thanks for reading

 

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449. How to Face Consequence: Defrosting Nightmare

I’ll share a moment where I have been able to change my ‘usual reactions’ into a supportive outcome.

I own a fridge that still creates walls of ice in the freezer. For over a month, we had not eaten stuff that was in there and I kept procrastinating the process of getting to defrost because of how I knew that it would have to be entirely empty to fully defrost several centimeters of this thick crust of ice. What happens here is that this freezer is a perfect example of how we operate in our minds when we just allow the ‘layers of ice’ in this case to pile up, and we don’t do ‘clean ups’ regularly instead – say once a week for this freezer – but we let it all just ‘pack up’ until it becomes this really tough thing to handle when finally deciding to ‘do the tough job’ of getting all that ice out.

So throughout the week we cooked the stuff to be eaten and empty the freezer, then it was the time to actually get it to defrost mode. Took over one day for it to fully defrost. But halfway the process, there were moments where a huge chunk of ice could not be taken out, it was just stuck, there was accumulated water and the tray that holds it was stuck with this big chunk of ice. I understood that if I let that piece there, once the fridge comes ‘on’ again, it would only recreate the same problem, it would be frozen and would not be let loose. So, there were moments where I was having my hands frozen, having to be ‘sponging’ the water out (because of the tray being stuck) and trying to get the ice stuff out. I almost wanted to give up, thinking there is no way I’m going to get this stuff out. But, I knew that it’s just not common sensical to ‘leave it for later’ because this is a matter of ‘now or never’ – so, kept pushing, moving around the tray, doing some forceful movements until finally the big chunk of ice came loose and we were able to finally take the water tray out.

Here, ‘the usual old me’ would have gotten pissed, would have tried to blame ‘the fridge’ for being so old that it still forms ice, would have blamed ‘my partner’ for not telling me to do this earlier or for not eating stuff earlier or ‘reminding me’ of doing the defrost… but nope, I didn’t do any of these things, I entirely assumed my responsibility related to this, and so breathed through my own desperation at times of wanting to say ‘fuck it, I give up’  – I refrained myself from doing this, deliberately, and instead kept pushing, deliberately breathing, deliberately knowing that what I was facing was nothing else but ‘piled up consequence’ of all the weeks I left this to come to this outcome, now I had to ‘pull up my non existent pants’ and take care of this, or it would simply cause havoc/consequence and possibly damage the thing.

So, I’ve been working with the word ‘embracing’ in these moments, an acceptance where we come to realize what we’ve ‘compounded’ in any either ‘physical outcome’ – such as the fridge situation – or internally where we get to a point of feeling entirely stuck, piled up with tons of ‘frozen stuff’ that we think it’s absolutely hard to remove, hard to self-forgive, impossible to take out – but what it takes is diligence, is not giving up, is walking the process with its necessary time – bit by bit – to get the stuff out and not ‘lose it’ half way, because in this freezer example I knew I could only pile up more consequence if I didn’t do it, and frankly yes I am fed up with me causing this same consequence over the years (been having the same fridge for 10 years now!) So I asked myself, hmm why haven’t I actually created an effective routine of defrosting more regularly? Why have I allowed myself to just ‘let it go by’ expecting it to ‘do it on its own’ and instead have mostly always waited until it is too difficult, too thick to just ‘turn off’ the fridge for a couple of hours and instead, it becomes this 24 + hours of keeping an eye on this or else, everything in the fridge would get warm and flooded with water….

This very much became a perfect example of how we operate in our minds unfortunately, where I from now on will consider how much of a consequence is created if there’s no regular ‘self-check’ through writings, through introspection, through focusing on what I need to take care of within myself and so without, because we are experts in procrastination and leaving things ‘up to the last moment’ where the consequence is huge and becomes really tough to handle, yet at the same time, if we are already there at that ‘stage’ of consequence, really there’s no other way but ‘take the bull by the horns’ and stand up, woman-up/man-up to our creation and take it bit by bit, yet taking this process as a cautionary tale to learn from, not to do as I’ve done with this fridge where time and time again I seemingly ‘forget’ the past SAME scenarios I’ve caused because of my lack of diligence in taking care of something that just keeps ‘piling up’ as the snow in the fridge. Same goes for my mind, our minds, no need to get to these piles of emotions over time, reactions, or even worse! React and throw a tantrum while we are taking care of our consequence, because I’ve done that actually every time I have had to run this same ‘defrost operation’ in the past. And this is what I became aware of yesterday, how I usually would start picking on the ice to get it out but it’s not only a physical movement, it comes with some anger, frustration, a blame of sorts to the poor ice that forms by itself and by default as per ‘freezer function’ lol – and there I would usually be the angry monkey that gets angry at her own consequences…. Really? Do I need to rehash the same consequence every single time?No, I could now laugh at replaying for myself this same scenario, really lol – and it’s no different to how we KNOW what consequences we create with certain experience inside us, how we don’t deal with things or understand things any better with ‘emotions’ yet we still bring it up! It’s like law of stupidity really and this is nothing else but what I declare as the last time I allow this to happen within and without me.

So yesterday was the time that I deliberately said, fuck no, here I am not focusing on these seemingly ‘justifiable moments’ of desperation, anger and just wanting to give up and instead keep moving, keep breathing, not blaming anything but entirely embracing the situation as My Creation.

Lol it was even funny how I knew that ‘it would eventually come off’ this large chunk of ice, and I knew that the more I ‘fought it’ the worse it would be, and yes…. That’s how it went. I left it for a moment, to warm up my hands and then gave it a second try, some more brusque movements and it came off. I just had to ‘cool down’ in my intent (figuratively, because I was actually very cold in that moment lol) and then give it a second go.

Well, the whole process yes took some 24 hours but at last now the fridge is free from thick layers of ice and I was able to change a very long pattern of me usually ending up angry and frustrated after this ‘clean up the compound freezer mess’ project that emerges periodically, because I haven’t yet made a clear decision to schedule a regular defrost of it and so prevent consequence.

So, lesson learned and the words to live by: consistency and diligence in both taking care of the consequence as one goes through the ‘piles’ that we’ve accumulated, while at the same time realizing that I can prevent these consequences by regular ‘defrost’ that is shorter in time and of course much simpler to take care of.  Patience with myself when finally deciding to ‘deal with the consequence’ and taking care of the situation, to not go into ‘hissy fits’ when seeing my own creation at the door of my fridge lol. Perseverance: not giving up on the project and believing that it’s ok to leave things ‘half way done’ – nope, keep breathing, keep ‘pushing’ until it is done. Embracing and acceptance of what I have created, Understanding how I came to procrastinate a clean up and so voilá! Here I create my own master piece of ice to deal with.

The next point will be to effectively remember to defrost it, and not use the stuff inside as an excuse to not do so, because practically speaking, it would not make much of a difference to have 3 hours of no ‘freezing mode’ for the food inside, as opposed to having to eat everything and leaving the whole thing to defrost for 24 hours… This is where Prevention as a living word comes: doing  the defrost regularly, and prevent the fuckup.

I commit myself to do the same with my mind, as points emerge, to not even allow them to ‘pile up’ but In the Moment, change, decide to breathe, decide to Prevent consequence – and if it is ‘too late’ and I’ve created consequence, to stand up to my creation, to deal with it in a directive manner which means, not throwing fits, not ‘thinking what I should have and should have not done’ or attempting to throw blames at the thing or others…. But entirely embrace the situation as my creation and deal with it the best and most effective way.

This might be a seemingly ‘uninteresting’ point but, it actually reflects a lot as to how I can be very diligent in many things, but there are ‘simple things’ that I have left just ‘slip out of my awareness’ and cause this mess every month or two months – or more, it has happened! – so, for once and for all to integrate all of these points within myself, to learn also from a better way to deal with consequence, but even better: to learn how to prevent it, within and without of myself.

Regular defrosting sessions with myself mean: writing, speaking self forgiveness in the moment as I know and experience that I am diving into a reaction, and do regular writings from my day to day to see what have I changed, what can I learn from the day, where did I see I was challenged in my stability and so establishing ways to continue assisting myself to improve, to stand up to things in a more apt manner.

Emotions, just like the stuck piles of frozen eyes in my freezer, are nothing else but these seemingly unnoticeable consequences that we create day by day, moment by moment in our lives and if we don’t do regular ‘defrosts’, man, it piles up to the point of ‘exploding’ – or in my freezer case, become icebergs – around a point and then sometimes we believe it’s too hard or difficult to face our creation, our experience, our consequences… but, it really is nothing else but our creation, so we need to stand up to it and be HERE in every moment, which means deciding to apply that moment to moment change, it is a decision, a deliberate decision that won’t emerge naturally from within ourselves. This is what I see change means to me, and nothing/no one else can do this for me, I owe it to myself. It’s a decision to live words instead of rehashing the same old ‘throwing a tantrum me’

Thanks for reading.

 

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435. From Control to Flexibility

 

Being a control-freak or wanting to impose a form of control is definitely an underlying pattern that I played out in the previous situation I shared on ‘hissy-fit’ and transcending it. In essence a cool question that comes up is ‘what am I fearing?’ when seeing that we try and control something. Example, when thinking or being scheming what someone should say, how a situation should develop, how others must behave, what the weather should be like, what someone can/can’t eat or drink, what ‘must’ be done and what ‘must not’ be done… all of these points seem quite exhausting to deal with on a constant basis, and the thing is that it exists as a point of control ‘outside of ourselves’ without realizing it’s in fact first a point of control within ourselves as the mind that is dictating what we are supposed to want/look out for or be careful with. Every time I see this pattern unfolding, it reminds me of certain family members again, wanting to keep a certain image in an almost political way where there is constant PR processes going on, where one would want to control situations and events to what one considers is appropriate and generates no disturbance to our status quo – all entirely fear based.

This point of control is definitely rooted in fear, where we want to keep a certain idea, state or condition of something to please – again – certain idea or belief of oneself, or what others should become to please oneself, how an environment should be to please oneself. I faced a lot of these patterns when living with roommates in a house and having quite a lot of ongoing irritation, anger and frustration for things simply being out of my control at all times, which means: me not being able to impose my will and how I thought things should look like and function around in all ways. I am aware I tend to be dominant, and there is no point in now going into feeling bad about it. There can be constructive ways to use this ability to be in a constant ‘overseeing’ mode of reality in order to be more present, more aware of what’s going on, yet without wanting to control the environment or a situation. Though in this also realizing that me trying to have things work entirely ‘my way’ or have little to no inconveniences is definitely not a possibility in this world where multiple variables are constantly interacting with each other. Hell, not even a ‘god’ could have ultimate control on reality.

So, what word have I been using and practicing to letting go of or managing this pattern of wanting to control? Flexibility and consideration. Flexibility is being able to adapt to whichever outcome emerges that is unforeseen, unpredictable or ‘out of the plans’ and so being able to adapt, move, change in order to integrate such situations while being directive. Otherwise, when fixating to how something ‘must’ go, we are prone to constantly be fighting against reality, constantly creating the most unnecessary frictions and conflicts. So it is better to rather make it a point to make peace with it anyways, with whatever ‘out of the plan’ conditions emerge instead of fighting it or trying to have something or someone work in a particular way. So for example yesterday I said I would not complain for how hot the day was. In the end I was able to do this for the most part, except for the very end when I said that it was a very damn hot day, and started scheming the ways to avoid going out at the same time of the day under the same heat.

Is that the way to go through life? It’s like a constant fighting. Also I see that when others do this ‘PR’ process or ‘damage control’ in a way of ‘everything is fine’ it has bothered me, because I see the flaws behind that but it happens to be that I have done exactly the same, it is another form of control instead of facing the music for what it is and work with it bit by bit.  The question is then what is there to ‘save’ or ‘rescue’ from a mind that thrives of judgments, superiority and inferiority traits, delusional beliefs….? Nothing really.

Whenever I then see myself wanting to control something within an environment or toward another, I rather ask myself what do I fear losing or experimenting or exposing and why? Is it really relevant?

 It is true that not everyone in this world is ready to be fully honest and have this marvelous openness right away, but if one does the little bit of enabling things to unfold as they usually do, without trying to control, we will realize that this is where the actual ‘self-test’ emerges, where we can act and live according to what we face in the moment, challenging or not = it is our reality, we can only arm ourselves with the tools of self-support to develop self-trust over time, realizing that no matter ‘what’ or ‘who’ comes my way, I know I can support me to walk through it and get to a resolution or create solutions that can be supportive in both or more ways.

Sometimes instead of wanting to immediately ‘control’ someone as in preventing them from doing something, it’s a matter of rather communicating the potential outflows or consequential development of something, sometimes even finding third party accounts or stories that can assist a person to consider the same point and so, open up the conversation in common sense to that everyone is aware of the points of responsibility to it all. This is then turning the point of control based on fear – just like parents do with their children when preventing them to do something out of fear, instead of explaining to them how things work, the consequences and so having the child decide and go through it all to learn from it – that’s how you build a sense of responsibility. There the point of control as in preventing others sometimes from ‘fuck ups’ is then turned into a learning process for everyone involved, where even if ‘mistakes’ are made, at least each person would know ‘I did it to myself’ or ‘I created this and I knew what the outcomes would be.’ This way one is instead of controlling, providing certain perspectives or input into something, so that each one can still make their own decisions while one can remain ‘at peace’ because of having explained the reasoning behind one’s attempt to control – or if already prevented – to explain or give a perspective as to why one would or would not do a certain thing with arguments that can be understandable in practical reality terms.

 

I consider that it is best to make some choices being aware of the uncertainty they entail – we cannot predict or control what is going to happen in something – rather than preventing oneself from moving at all because of wanting to control reality, to wait for a better moment to act, to have the perfect conditions for something –that possibly won’t ever arrive by the way – one can instead embrace the unpredictability, while remaining aware of the developments, potential consequences and make decisions based on common sense – considering what is best for all involved – that can lead to the most supportive and potentially effective outcome.

Being flexible there implies not trying to impose oneself onto others, not trying to control their lives, but rather making sure that I can instead share my perspective

 

Control

 

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