Category Archives: Decade With Desteni

600. Understanding Arrogance

Or how to let go of the idea I had about myself as ‘untouchable’ based on knowledge and information in order to truly live and express ME.

So this is a word that was opened up in group discussions and in a couple of situations I’ve faced in my life in the last couple of days, so, I’m now here to share about my relationship to this word.

First things first, how do I relate to this word? I have ‘been it, done it’ in my life where arrogance comes as this ‘know it all’ stance where I’ve seen how it was in fact fear that stood behind this ‘untouchable’ type of experience I created mostly through ‘what I believe, what I stand for’ and in creating an energetic stance to it as ‘unbreakable, untouchable, this is the one and only truth of existence!’ type of personality, I became very antagonistic – without even noticing it! – to anything that did not ‘conform’ to my views, or anything that wasn’t aligned to them, which means yeah I could have possibly picked up intellectual back and forths with just about anyone really, considering how such arrogance came through perceiving that ‘I got a superior understanding of reality, of who we are in our minds and in existence’ and the rest of points that come from getting to know a lot of knowledge and information about, yes, the reality that we live in and how we exist as human beings.

I’ve shared about this ‘arrogance’ construct with other terms in these blogs before like being in a ‘haughty position’ or being ‘in a high horse’ type of experience, which is the same thing: being arrogant and kind of looking everyone as ‘inferior to me’ because of not being aware of what I was aware of. In doing so, I really limited myself because I made it virtually impossible for me to discuss anything with anyone, because I was not willing to hear/read any other perspectives, I wasn’t being flexible at all – I just wanted to preach my creed so to speak and ‘convert’ anyone that I could – or rather that would allow themselves to be converted – which of course it never happened.

It was only through realizing that this way of approaching my process was not going to work in the long run that I had to try new things and that meant having to let go of my desire to ‘preach and convert’ others through knowledge and information and disseminating ‘my truth’ through blogs and vlogs with the sole intent to ‘wake others up!’ and ‘have them join me and everyone in this process.’ Of course that doesn’t work, but hey, I was there doing it fully and completely in such a militant stance that I was too blind to see my own absolutism and fascism in it – very common words for me to describe such personality as well in these blogs.

So, where I am and how I am in this context is definitely a long distance from what I just described. Currently I no longer feel the need to ‘wake others up’ or ‘change others’ because! I’ve learned through ‘the tough way’ how that obviously doesn’t work and going through consequences that I’m still having to literally pay for till today, lol. So instead, I focus on sharing my own experience, my own ‘walking’ with these tools, the learning curves, the falls, the standing ups, the mistakes and how to correct them and all that is related to taking all points ‘back to self’ essentially, because that’s basically where I realized I have my authority on at this stage, and so share my example as ‘what I’ve lived, applied’ in detail, and yep sharing it because maybe others will find this useful for their lives and that’s cool.

In terms of facing consequence, I’d say it’s at times unfortunately needed and it’s cool, because I can become so obsessed and be such a stubborn with things that sometimes it is only through reality knocking my door that I can open up my eyes and realize ‘oh fuck! I’ve done it again!’ and realize what I had been obsessed by – that’s the process of what I define now as having to eat humble pie and yep! Been eating it nicely.

Then comes the dimension where I’ve spotted arrogance in others. I saw this during a meeting with someone and I defined the person’s stance as being arrogant – being the kind of person that believes that everything they do is right, they are never wrong, that they are always transparent about things, that there’s nothing that is incongruent with who they are, and in that being able to rather blame others for being the problem in their relationship to him. And in that what he’s created and caused is that there’s a lot of people that simply cannot get along with him because there’s rarely an opening to question himself, his ways, his stance, but in essence being kind of absolutist because of not allowing anyone to question his ways, what he does, his preferences, at all. The outcome in such kind of personality is that if one would want to be his friend, one has to entirely accept him ‘as he is’ and that’s probably a doable thing for many that are ok with such ways, but I personally cannot relate to someone that is not willing to ‘open up’ and ‘question further’ about ourselves as human beings and have no opening to even considering any form of ‘change’ or self-betterment, so in that I simply realize ‘I don’t have to go there’ with this person and keep things as simple as possible in our interactions whenever they are necessary – if ever. This is just a self-honesty point for me to also make a decision to not try an ‘get along’ with someone ‘just because’ but I definitely like to get along with people with whom I can actually have discussions that lead us to learn more about ourselves and question/challenge ourselves, which becomes a bit too impossible with such hardened personalities.  I decided to rather focus on sharing myself and spending time with those that do have more of an opening and similar stance to life.

However, after I noticed that I was describing him in my head as ‘arrogant’ I had to of course look back at myself and see how I have existed as such arrogance as well and how I in fact created the same outcome for me where there was a time where I became very obnoxious, to be honest, I could only relate to people ‘walking process’ and I’d judge everyone else as a neophyte in life – a fancy way to say ‘ignorant’ – and in that I definitely walked through the consequence of isolating myself, because of not being willing to let go of my ‘immovable stance’ as arrogance which stood as constantly judging, constantly comparing everything and everyone to ‘how I believe things should be and how they must be done’ which I’d do constantly, consistently towards anything and anyone, all the time.

I mean, in a way it assisted me to constantly be referencing or questioning ‘what would be common sense in this case or with this person or in that person’s life/situation?’ however the problem is that I would externalize this as in telling people what to do or how they were wrong about this/that in their lives and sometimes being so direct that of course I would not take their feelings/minds into account and yep, I’d end up blowing things out of proportion and causing conflicts, which led me to quite a few ‘breakups’ with people – all because of this arrogant stance within me.

Currently I’m deliberately opening up ways of communication with people where I now practice leaving my ‘preaching’ in the past and instead learn to relate to people, learn to get to know them in who they are, in their context, in their particular life – which is absolutely cool and a very enjoyable process, which has led me to kind of ponder ‘Hmm why wasn’t I doing this before?’ but the reality is that I wasn’t able to do it, because I was too fixed on this absolutist and arrogant stance ‘towards the world/people in it’ where I definitely would have remained in this bitter stance of ‘non-conformity’ which I eventually realized I had entirely caused by my own set of impositions by not allowing myself to actually live and learn from others, but rather wanting to have this ‘teaching and preaching’ stance towards them, which didn’t work at all and only backfired nicely.

In that I instead have used these key words to live whenever I see myself having this arrogant stance coming up again: humbleness, understanding and flexibility. These words in a way stand as the antithesis of my previous ways which were of control, of imposition, of antagonism, of fascism and totalitarianism as the dictator I had become for anyone that would know me.

And yes, I can also explain how this is not a ‘magical solution’ either – the words are there as a continuous reference for me, as the available solutions – but this point may come up at any given moment where I feel this ‘need to correct someone’ or ‘let them know about the ultimate truth in life’ or ‘explain how that’s such an irrelevant subject to discuss about’ or whatever else in whichever way it might come up where I wasn’t really willing to interact and ‘mingle’ with people in whichever context or ‘level’ they’re at in their awareness, but I wanted to come in as this very stiff and self-controlled robot that wanted to only point out what’s right, wrong and immediately disregard participating in anything that I deemed was ‘of the mind’ lolol… yep I was on my way to then become a bitter hermit to be honest, but I’m so glad I have realized what I was doing and have come to stir my direction towards the person that I in fact have seen I have the ability to live and express, which is an open, expressive, communicative and social person in fact! Who would have known!? When I was deeming myself as a hard-core anti-social and misanthrope – as I’ve explained many times before*

So, a practical ‘hack’ that anyone can apply here is to see whenever one is needing to ‘defend’ something or make oneself feel ‘superior’ about anything, or when one is constantly judging others as less than/inferior – we gotta ask ourselves: what are we in fact ‘In-Fear-of?’ because arrogance is an expression of fear, of an actual inferiority that needs to exist as a perceived superiority in order to be ‘ok’ within a ‘better idea of self’. So asking oneself ‘what do I fear behind my need to feel so ‘secure’ of myself in this stance of arrogance?’ van be a practical way to get to the core of it.

Like in my case, the fear behind my ‘stance’ as what I described above related to knowledge and information, was to actually have people question me, debate my views or deny them completely, which would then stir conflict that I actually didn’t want to face, or because I feared losing this idea of myself as the ‘know it all’ in my own eyes. But, I’m quite glad that I was able to debunk it little by little and yes, with people’s feedback in the internet and of my own mother who has been the one that over the years really emphasized that I should ‘lower the volume’ of my speeches in videos because I would come through as ‘preachy’ and ‘attacking,’ as being too superb and pedantic, which would mostly scare people away – and yep, it did, and for some others it might have worked… but it definitely is not an expression I want to continue cultivating related to who I currently am in my life.

I’ve found new ways to share myself where I have no intent implied ‘towards others’ other than plainly sharing myself, and that’s what I’ve been doing lately and it’s like allowing a breeze of fresh air flow through me, rather than being the very stiffened, armored, robo-like person that had to always ‘present’ herself in a certain way and be ‘untouchable’ in an arrogant stance, man, was that limiting.

So for now, I continually have to bake myself some humble pie which I like doing, because every time I am made aware of this kind of situations or where I catch myself doing it, I can ground myself even more. In a way this means I can ‘let go’ of an idea of myself in relation to ‘who I have to be’ or ‘who I am’ in relation to others, and that’s truly liberating, it enables me to truly expand, share, learn and enjoy others in a way I had not done ever before in my life and for that I’m grateful for Desteni and the tools that have enabled me to be living who I currently am – so! The least I can do is share myself back here J

Thanks for reading.

*some other blogs that explain in detail the points walked in relation to arrogance are:

514. Debunking My Intellectual Arrogance

581. Living Reconciliation

561. From Provocation to Self-Challenge

547. How to Live Humbleness

27. It’s always only been me

 

 

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594. Who Decides?

Or how I’ve been able to establish a pillar of support for myself from the time I decided to ‘kick a habit’ and get to know who I am as the authority of myself.

Last week there was an interesting discussion in our group chat about self-authority and how many times we believe we ‘don’t have a say’ in opening up something within ourselves or others that we know could be fixed, corrected, changed for the betterment of a situation and everyone involved. However, we concluded how relevant it is to instead of wanting to ‘fix things out there’ first, we have to take things ‘back to self’ where one can instead see ‘who am I’ in relation to this point that I’m wanting to change in others and as such, seeing where one’s authority is in the whole case.

What do I mean by this ‘self-authority’ and how I have neglected my own in my life? I’ve found how I’ve conditioned myself several times in various contexts/situations based on an idea, belief or perception of myself as ‘not having the authority’ to change something in me, and it obviously doesn’t come up with such words as in ‘Oh crap, I don’t have authority over that!’ but it comes in the form of ‘I can’t change this, it’s not coming natural to me, based on my past it’s just not something that I can do, it’s who I’ve always been, that would not be me doing that, it’s just not ‘my thing,’ I would not feel entirely ‘me’ doing/saying/being that, I would feel so fake because I’ve never done that/expressed that before’ and one cool question that I’ve come up whenever these things come up which are a form of disempowerment is saying to myself “Well, Who Decides?”

And this ‘who’ is really then a way to bring myself back to who I decide to be, to realize that I am that authority that is able to decide how I can take the first steps to ‘step into the new,’ to start taking those ‘first steps’ in creating something, to decide to practice and express new things, in new ways, to be the one that makes a decision on what I express, what I choose, what I decide to move towards – it’s entirely up to me and the possibilities of doings so – all things considered of course within the context, possibilities, affordability, time, skills and the rest of practical common sensical things to look at when deciding to do something as a practical assessment of ‘I can’ do it and take reality into consideration – but I no longer give that power to my mind’s limitations as in ‘I can’t’ or ‘It’s gonna take so long that I rather just not do it at all’ or ‘It’s not my thing’ or ‘It’s going to be so difficult’ because I am aware how many times I’ve set such seemingly ‘excusable traps’ to myself as limitations which ultimately have led me to ‘long timeloops’ that I’m sorting out currently in my life and have realized are coming from fears of essentially stepping out of my comfort zone and actually ‘do change’ as it was mentioned in a recent recording on Eqafe.

Interestingly enough, this past week I’ve had conversations with a few individuals and it was cool to see that they all have been looking more intently into quitting a certain day to day habit such as weed, alcohol, smoking or even addiction to self-deprecation and ‘past sorrows’ lol. So I found it quite cool that all of them have been looking beyond the ‘habit’ or ‘addiction’ in itself – meaning going beyond the obvious habit created to experiencing some chemical/stimulation change in their bodies – or certain emotional experience – but more looking at and into what of themselves is being suppressed in those habits, where are they keeping themselves in these Timeloops or recycling of experiences day in and day out without really stepping out of the pattern and questioning ‘who am I’ without this habit/addiction/repetitive experience in my day to day? What’s behind my ‘need’ to do it on a daily basis, at the same times or in the same ‘social contexts’ etc.?

It’s quite interesting because quitting an addiction, stopping it or even taking the first step to question it and test out not ‘giving into it’ for one day is already a huge step for many, even more so for those that are not that aware of the various consequences created at a mind, physical and being level within the relationship created to certain substances/chemicals – but more so in discovering ‘what kind of expressions, words to live have I been suppressing or not developing for myself wherein I then believe I ‘need’ this substance in me to focus, to do things, to let go, to relax, to open up conversations with people, to ‘be me’, to enjoy life, to develop my skills in music/art/creativity’ and the rest of expressions that I can totally understand may not be ‘natural’ to most of us, but sure as hell I can say now that it IS entirely possible to be a ‘socially lubricated’, open, focused, relaxed, joyful, creative individual as one can experience oneself with drugs and being entirely sober and still manage to be all of those expressions that we have given our authority to create and develop for ourselves through needing a certain substance in our bodies/minds.

Here I’m mostly describing some of what I’ve discovered myself as well through having been a person that also had fallen into such habits before for various reasons and contexts, creating a dependency to ‘express myself’ for example creatively relying on a particular substance to ‘do that for me’ or ‘be the catalyst.’ And interestingly enough I was also listening to a person’s vlog this morning on menopause and creating an analogy of the symptoms of it being similar to withdrawal symptoms after being a drug addict, where her expression as a reason to take some ‘herbal stuff’ to calm her down was ‘I can’t deal with this’ and her entire expression was that of fighting back tears, being clearly emotional and believing that yes it’s too bad she can’t walk through it without the use of this ‘herb’ or drug.

Now I have no authority there to judge her or consider her as weak for needing that, I have no idea what menopause feels like nor how it is felt if one has been a drug addict, but the point that caught my attention is precisely going into that belief or experience of ‘I can’t deal with this’ where we believe we ‘can’t do it’ or ‘can’t stand’ something, where we in fact believe ourselves to be ‘less than’ such experiences in our minds and bodies – because yep, we have definitely intertwined them to such an extent that any ‘withdrawal’ symptom is not only a psychological but a physical dependency to cut off as well.

And I realized that those are mostly consequential outflows from having created such dependency in the first place – meaning, if one has to quit something, sure there will be withdrawal symptoms at various physical and psychological levels, re-wiring oneself or ‘re-adapting’ to not doing it anymore entails an entire ‘re-alignment’ of one’s day to day experience which has to be in a way ‘re built’ depending on the extent that one has ‘wired’/intertwined one’s life depending on these drugs to do/be/activate certain experiences within us, and that’s where a lot of patience, dedication, perseverance and consistency comes in, as well as being gentle to ourselves because it sure is quite a ‘shock’ to the body that has been conditioned at times for decades to do something as a regular habit. And also, very important, to seek out for support as well!

Having said that, it doesn’t mean it’s going to be an impossible thing where we are kind of already seeing the ‘long road’ and see it as ‘too much to go through’ and immediately create ‘backdoors’ and talk ourselves into this ‘oh no, it’s going to be hard, it’s going to be hell, it will be so difficult! I rather just leave things as they are, I’m ok, it would only compound the problems…’ – right there is ourselves speaking as the worst or lesser version of ourselves that is not realizing the authority we truly have to change things. As the saying goes here ‘Where there’s a will, there’s a way’.

However, I am also aware that it’s entirely up to each one to make this kind of decisions but I personally haven’t talked myself out of my decisions in for example stopping habits I kicked out some 9 and a half years ago when I started this process with Desteni where my starting point was: I want to know who I am without all of these experiences, this ‘neediness’ for something causing me to ‘be’ or ‘express’ in a particular way,’ because I saw it as self-deception, as fooling myself, just like cheating in winning a game type of thing where you know that it’s not you doing the effort or developing the skills as such, but paying off your triumph or bribing someone to change the numbers for you to ‘feel like a winner.’ It’s just a point of self-dishonesty that I decided to stop within me which became a very relevant, sturdy pillar of support for the development of my self-trust – as in realizing ‘I can do this, I can walk through it’ and prove to myself eventually that ‘it wasn’t as hard/bad/tough/difficult as I thought it would be’ and in doing so, kind of debunking this ‘greater than myself’ fear that I had towards leaving these habits, patterns, emotional experiences in my mind, which enabled me to start seeing and realizing what? My self-authority – bingo.

So to me it’s been an interesting week of looking at this word of ‘self-authority’ and questioning where in my life I started first realizing this ‘authority’ that I have within myself, as in living that statement ‘I decide’ and within that decision moving as it, giving it a continuation as in doing something, changing something, stopping participating in something within the understanding of how I want to do this for myself, to get to really know me, to get to really express me instead of having a substance ‘doing the thing for me’ shrinking and wallowing in the back of myself in a position of disempowerment, while allowing a chemical, a substance to ‘kick in’ and be the ‘powerful hero’ one instead of me.

Self authority to me is that strength, that determination that is built not in one single day and within one single decision of ‘changing’ something, but it is something that is daily built and reassured within that continued commitment to myself not only in ‘kicking detrimental habits’ but in the various decisions I make to support myself, to be aware of myself, to ground myself, to work things that come up and ‘knock me off’ from my stability for a moment – I decide who I am in all those bits of moments, and even when there’s ‘nothing happening’ I then focus more into the detail of my physical, what do I have to correct in terms of tightness, tension, tensing up lips, feet, facial muscles, where am I frowning without awareness, where am I again having this undercurrent of ‘rushing’ and there’s in essence always, always  something that I can be focusing on in this same context of establishing the authority of myself, my direction, my decision and action in terms of ‘who I decide to be’ in every moment and in the detail of myself as my physical body.

So, I very much enjoy extending the support that I’ve given to myself to these people in my life that I’ve come to know are walking through this ‘stopping the habit’ phase and enjoy making questions and sharing about my own experience as a way to understand ourselves better as ‘creatures of habit’ and how we can open up things for ourselves that can assist us is sticking to these decisions and testing out ‘who we are’ without these addictions/detrimental habits – or more so discovering ‘what of ourselves’ is hiding behind such habits. It’s a very interesting process and an enjoyable one dare I say because to me every single person that decides to ‘stand up’ in their lives is ‘one plus’ to this equation of self-support that will ripple out not only in our own body, but to the lives of many more that we can continue to inspire to consider doing the same in their lives, as what is ‘best for all.’ That’s why I also decided to write this blog and extend these realizations and support for others that may also be deciding to quit stuff recently.

So If you that’s reading this is considering or coming to the realization that it’s time to ‘kick that old habit’ out of your life, all I can say is Go For It! To me that’s been one of the pieces of ‘freedom’ in my life that I’ve been able to create, to be clean and say ‘I don’t depend on this/that to be me in any given context or activity’ in terms of substances/drugs/alcohol etc. It’s truly liberating in many aspects, and to me that’s one piece added to forming the completion of one’s self-authority as in living the statements of I decide, I do change, I live my decision, I walk through the process it takes with its ups and downs, starting overs and mistakes – I stand right back up if I fall, I stick to it, I trust myself, I persevere, I get it done and I see it through.

Thanks for reading!

 

Take Pills

 

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586. Standing One’s Ground through Tough Times

Or discussing the latest Eqafe interview The Moment of Change (Part 1) – Back to Basics and how I can relate to what is shared in it.

 

In this recording Moment of Change (Part 1) – Back to Basics I specifically can relate to the point of Joe consciously deciding to walk through a certain ‘low’ or a ‘rough time’ in his life while remaining grounded in his core as he described it, even though yes, he was going through these experiences that he was aware did not represent ‘the normalcy of how he is’ but were in fact a state of depression or a low, a wanting to give up, a feeling sad, etc. while also being aware of how he would eventually have to step out of it or ‘snap out of it’ or ‘drop it’, which is what he describes in the audio in detail in terms of how he did it and I very much recommend checking it out.

I can relate to having gone through a very similar experience in my life in the past months this year after a relationship breakup where it became obvious that I had to go through a process of self-forgiving, letting go, understanding it, clearing myself up from the situation in order to keep going on with my life. Yet even though it seemed almost like a ‘nightmare’ at the time with what I had to suddenly wake-up to and change in my life, I also consider I had this ‘core’ within myself that I could trust myself with and ‘fall back on’ no matter ‘what’ I had to walk through like parting ways, going through that separation process, letting everyone know about it, getting adjusted to being alone again etc., which is definitely a gift that one creates for oneself within walking the Desteni I Process in – as I like to say it – ‘arming’ ourselves with living tools to face whatever comes our way, whatever we actually create in our lives and so learn from the consequences and situations, the experiences that might be indeed sour times, rough times, low times – yet, no matter how ‘low’ one seems to go, one knows that the only way forward is keep pushing through and back again onto the surface after ‘touching rock bottom’ in a way.

I also through that month after the breakup, made sure that even though I felt like wanting to ‘disconnect’ from everything and everyone for a moment to immerse myself in my ‘painful’ experience, I instead decided to keep in line with my responsibilities and consistency points that I’ve committed myself to do, which in retrospective was actually very, very supportive for me to keep in line with, because that discipline and continuity in my relationship of responsibility and duties towards others and in my world kept me afloat so to speak, even if I knew that yes I wasn’t in my 100% self and had some really ‘low’ moments that I also tended to judge myself for, like ‘why is this still coming up in me?’ after having done lots of writing about it and applying self-forgiveness, until I realized that I simply had to allow myself to walk through the experience, to let it all out and not judge myself for it, which is something that is also shared in a similar way in the audio, where we have to at times go through the experience, get to know ourselves in it while always knowing that we know who we really are and what our stable consistent self is, and so not judge ourselves for having a ‘rough time’ at times.

So in a way how I decided to not make of my personal process something that would affect my relationship to others, though this also came a bit through noticing the consequences of doing so. In a moment when I did catch myself kind of lashing out towards those nearest to me at the time, I saw how there was some anger point coming through that I needed to sort out within myself, because that’s definitely something that at least I’ve seen how I’ve tended to do where we let it all out towards those that are closest to us, that ‘know us the most’ and in that moment I was able to notice it and recognize it, be humble about it and rather explain to the person how yes, I was going through this rough time and I apologized for my reaction towards them. Point was sorted, and then went on to open up how this ‘process works!’ in a blog entitled that way as well.

In my case, this process lasted around a month after the breakup, of going through the missing and letting go and the sadness that comes with realizing that something didn’t work out as planned, and also having to walk through with letting go of ‘what others would say’ about it, or believing I had to overcome this ‘faster’ or anything like that. I’d say it was the other way around wherein in the past, I would experience breakups as a much more difficult thing to go through in my life and I would spend months and yep sometimes years walking through it, but this time with dedication, determination, consistency and also allowing myself to ‘go through the experience’ in a conscious decision, as it was also explained in this supportive audio linked above, I managed to step out of it along with the support of others walking this process as well which is also why being part of the Desteni community is awesome in the whole extent of the word, as in supportive, understanding and sometimes yes, standing as a very much needed reminder of where one’s self-honesty is at.

I still check myself till these days after a few months now to see where am I in relation to this phase of my life and still clear up anything that might slightly or subtly come up, as with anything that we walk, but I’m quite satisfied in how I walked it through which I actually shared in past blogs during  the past months as well.

Ok so, that’s my story, check out Joe’s story as well as an example of what it means to walk this process and find your feet back on the ground after a period of kind of ‘losing ourselves,’ yet knowing that we are ‘in it’ and also trusting ourselves that we know our way back until one moment we decide to simply ‘snap out of it’ and finally let it go in a self-forgiving and learning way.

Thanks for reading!

 

Check out both parts of the same discussion now available:

The Moment of Change (Part 1) – Back to Basics

The Moment of Change (Part 2) – Back to Basics

 

 

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574. Embracing Maturity

Or deciding to accept the fruits of self-work as a consistent self-created quality in me

 

In the recent weeks I was able to notice some petty things that I still would ‘get me out of my center’ so to speak, where something as simple as rolling my eyes about a certain comment or situation that I would physically – by rolling eyes – judge as either ‘bothering’ or ‘too obvious already’ or in a moment of being shown my limitations became a playful moment where in seeing myself through another’s eyes, I became aware of this pattern that I’ve been living as a form of reminiscence of the ‘teenage me’ that is represented by having to ‘oppose’ something, being antagonistic or judgmental of things that aren’t standing in alignment with a particular personality I am embodying in a moment. Sounds a bit complex so, an example: if someone is bringing up a subject in me that I have created a strong opinion on, and that other person expresses something that goes ‘against that belief’ I have on it, then rolling my eyes would be a way to kind of say ‘ah well I disagree/that’s you not me/yeah whatever’ and in that moment I am not really being the considerate and understanding me, but I am instantly putting on this ‘suit’ of personality where I have limited myself quite a bit in a particular ‘way of thinking,’ which I was able to see with more clarity recently.

Another point is where I am of course at a point in life where time passes by and I am no longer the ’21 year old’ that was sharing her turmoil in life and all the rocky ups and downs of my experience – not to judge here an age though, but in my case it’s been 9 years and naturally things have progressed since then – which I realize I don’t have to ‘stick to’ as a way to feel that I’m still not ‘self-aware’ enough or that I still have some ‘personality traits’ to process, when I know that it simply requires me to let go of those limitations as habits and step into the potential of myself, which is devoid of such ‘inner troubles.’

Something else that apparently was ‘opposed’ to living maturity is ‘childish’ expression that I have at times judged or denied, but at the same time I’ve used it as a way to not give that ‘next step’ in my life, which opened up with looking at the word Maturity and embracing it in me, which is definitely ‘here’ in the way that I experience myself and in how I’m now seeing me, my life and my way forward in life.

Throughout this whole process with Desteni, I’ve been very much aware of all of the personalities that I had built as ‘myself’ and worked through them for the most part, though with that comes responsibility as well, a ‘next step’ in self-growth that will surely come with changes in life, making more self-aware decisions and in essence taking my life more seriously than before, which is where this ‘teenage me’ wanted to remain as, where I could still have some ‘leeway’ to not be entirely embodying a word such as maturity, because in a way I consider we all fear fully embodying that responsibility, fully stepping into the ‘creator’-suit and live the authority it implies which comes with full responsibility as well.

How I see it is that in this idea of being a ‘teenager’ or someone that is ‘not ready yet’ or ‘not ripe yet’, we create a comfort zone to – excuse the words – but fuck around with our potential, where we still want to remain like ‘children’ in a way where we don’t have to fully take our whole lives into our hands, and remain with a veil of conflict, of ‘not knowing,’ of ‘uncertainty,’ of ‘hardship’ and ‘foolishness’ but not the expressive one, but more like the denial of one’s capability to fully grow, expand, be ‘ripe’ and so mature as a result of what one has walked, worked and understood through something like this process of self-awareness and self-change as I’ve done with Desteni and the Desteni tools.

It is funny how I had many times projected this ‘teenage experience’ onto ‘humanity out there’ without fully taking the point back to myself to see how and in what ways I was still living this same ‘fear’ of ‘growing up’ to actually be the best that I know I can in every moment of my life and own my creation.

Interestingly enough, as much as I know I can fully take that position of living Maturity, there is a slight noise in the back of my head that would want to remain in this ‘lesser’ version of me, which is absolutely ludicrous, but that’s how we’ve conditioned ourselves to never fully step into the creative authority we can in fact live by, but still have this ‘leeway,’ this ‘gray area’ to remain ‘in the process’ eternally, to apparently ‘never be ready’ or never be fully ‘ripe’ to live to our fullest capacity, and that’s nothing else but self-manipulation coming in the ways of resistance and fears.

Now, some of the things I had to dispel from the word maturity is the idea that I would have to become ‘rigid’ or ‘stoic’ or ‘serious’ and stop being playful, foolish and fun – lol, it’s actually the other way around in fact, where this whole idea of me having to be serious, rigid, stoic, show ‘no emotion’ and be essentially this ‘poster idea of virtue’ is definitely only a personality that I did live out for most of my life in various ways, in various circles of people and I’m definitely ready to let go of those ideas that I created and so projected back at me as ‘who I am,’ and instead embrace myself, the expression that I see is most congruent with where I currently am in my life and being able to trust myself that whatever I decide to do, is my responsibility, I am aware of my capabilities, skills, my decisions, my weaknesses and strengths as I continue discovering more and more about myself, which is truly a fascinating process to me, even more so when I decide to make a significant change in my life that assists me in stepping out of old-age patterns, like the ones I’ve been describing in previous blogs about morality and this notion of ‘being an example for others’ in a form of personality or ego that became a limitation for me.

So, along with this maturity comes the ability to trust myself to express playfulness, to not let go of that expression that can be very childlike in me yet, this does not mean I cannot embrace this maturity at the same time, because I am the only one that has created such limitations of ‘what I can or should be’ and what I am apparently ‘not able to live yet.’

It’s really about deciding to live and embody words and some words like maturity to me are more of an outcome, a result, a consequence of various years now of self-work and giving me the right to recognize it as myself, the fruit of my work so to speak and stand as it without ego, without pretense or vainglory – but simply as the expression that I see is here as myself, yet I had in a way diminished or ‘covered it up’ to not fully embrace the responsibility that comes with it  – but! I’m definitely ready as I see the liberation and unleashing potential that comes with it.

To me this signifies my ability to choose letting go of ‘pettiness’ when it comes to these little ‘bothers’ that I’ve made a big deal in my life out of thinking that ‘I should still be ‘bothered’ by something’ or that ‘I cannot fully change something’, but, lol, who decides? I do! and I saw how these little ‘botherings’ are connected to personality suits to remain ‘limited’ and ‘diminished’ which makes no sense at all, because when stopping those I could see the mature, confident me that can still ‘roll eyes’ but do so in a playful manner and in awareness, as an expression, no more as an automated reaction based on an actual personality being triggered or accessed in a moment, and that’s what I want to be, someone that is ‘limitless’ in expression yet knowing every step of the way that ‘who I am’ in such expressions is truly me, in the moment – instead of acting out of mind-patterns and limitations, fears, judgments that I know I can let go of now, I just hadn’t made that full decision to do so yet, which is what I am actively working on currently.

All of this is also part of integrating that concept of ‘creative authority’ and what it means, which to me is like stepping into one’s optimum state and position in life where we can be the best for ourselves and so best for others as a by product of living ‘me’ to the fullest. And when I write this, memories of who I’ve been in the past come up whenever I denied taking that ‘leading role’ or whenever I feared being in the ‘center of the stage’ so to speak in taking a greater responsibility because of not wanting to fully assume my responsibility in it – and only now do I realize that that’s where real fulfillment exists in me, where I satisfy my capacity, where I ‘use’ what I am, the matter I am as life, to the best of my ability.

I also then assist myself in embracing this ‘result’ of self-work in my life, not in an egotistical manner seeking others’ praise and recognition –or as a form of superiority – but entirely accepting it, embracing it as who I am, as a result of something I’ve been putting effort and work on in my life, which makes absolute sense to get to a certain stage of ‘maturity’ in something, a phase of expertise, of gathering more confidence in being effective in something after putting the time and effort into it, instead of believing that I will always remain ‘flawed’ and ‘on the way’ and ‘in process’ of getting to a basic self-stability and fulfillment.

Now, this does not mean I am ‘done’ in any way with any self-creative process, not at all. I consider this that we call ‘the process’ is really a continual thing for the rest of our existence – not even limited to ‘this lifetime’ – so I am not speaking in those terms, but certainly acknowledging the phases that I can in self-honesty assess I’ve walked through, which then opens up the way for what’s next, which is an expansion, growth, more challenges and a ton more to discover, change, learn and fine tune about myself, while also acknowledging these ‘milestones’ in deciding, assessing and recognizing when we are ‘ripe’ within ourselves. Maybe I have been so for some time, but I had not dared to declare it, accept it or embrace it, so this is me placing this word in front of my eyes to embrace it and continue exploring the ways in which I can live it out as who I am and who I want to live and express as myself.

Here I share a supportive couple of audios from Eqafe.com that assisted me to realize this ‘authority’ that we essentially have to give to ourselves. I fully recommend them in order to decide to take that ‘next step’ in self-creation and self-change:

 

Thanks for reading.

 

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Join us in our process of Self-Expression as LIFE


539. Taking Life Seriously

 

§  Continuing from: 530. The Secret Behind Attraction

 

A particular trait that I had also defined as ‘superior’ was the expression of seriousness within people linked to a particular intellectual character wherein both points – the characterization or ‘portrayal’ at a physical manner level plus all the ‘right words’ would usually lead me to feel intimidated or perceiving that I was ‘less than’ people that would present themselves as very articulate, stoic in their expression and most of all serious in their expression or communication, perceiving that this seriousness was something that I lacked – apparently – and that I would therefore only get to admire in others for the rest of my life.

Over the years of walking the Desteni Process, I’ve been able to slowly but surely debunk my own perceptions around this seriousness wherein I myself have embodied such seriousness as a way to cause a certain impact upon people in an attempt to say: look, I mean this for real, I care for this – which would at the same time then be more of a ‘show’ for others in my expression than me living seriousness in a supportive manner, and this I explain in a certain perspective in a vlog I made today here.

Here I want to check where I am in relation to this ‘seriousness’ and aligning it to what I want to live as an expression of ‘taking life seriously’ which doesn’t mean I have to keep a straight face all the time or act in a rigid and in a controlled manner, appear stoic and ‘motion-less’ or be overtly intellectual to be perceived by others as ‘me being a serious person.’ It is interesting how the definition of seriousness is mostly linked to this rigid expression which of course myself as a female, it became easy to associate this ‘seriousness’ mostly with males, which I have linked to a form of ‘physicality’ (which I’ll open up in a blog to come, a stability, confidence, grounding experience which I had separated myself from based on comparing my expression to that of males mostly, considering my bubbly and ‘flowy’ expression at times as a form of  weakness instead of simply embracing it as a part of my expression, no more or less than any other – so here again exposing the problem of going into comparison leading to an inevitable polarity of ‘more or less than’ which recreates consciousness-speak.  

So, here what I separated myself from is again a mind-experience related to ‘seriousness,’ a set of characteristics that are portrayed as a personality, a façade, a way of behaving or presenting oneself towards others, instead of actually living the word seriousness.

What does ‘taking life seriously’ mean to me? Essentially comprehending the role that each one of us have as creators of this reality and acting accordingly, which implies taking responsibility for our lives in our mind, being and body, learning to and applying ourselves to correct every aspect of our lives that we are the creators of and understand then the relevance each one of us has in this process of birthing life from the physical, in other words: taking seriously our role as ‘gods’ of our creation.

Here I want to specify how I’ve observed this within myself and other people that I’ve come to be in close contact with throughout my life wherein I would be intimidated or ‘in awe’ of certain people presenting themselves in this ‘serious’ character, yet when it comes to actually ‘walking the talk’ as in living the seriousness and intellect they might have had into a supportive manner, there was still quite a threshold and I could observe this within myself as well where I became more of a ‘show for others’ than fully grasping the actual capacity I had to live what I was preaching to the T and so genuinely take life seriously.

This assists me to debunk my own perceptions about what I’ve defined in me as a lack of ‘seriousness’ and instead now realize that I can assess for myself according to how I’ve lived, the decisions I’ve made and what I’ve committed myself to in order to define whether I am taking life seriously or not. I can self-honestly say yes based on the self-commitment I have, not to the utmost potential of ‘taking life seriously’ yet though, but I have a direction and set of ways to continue doing my part in whichever way I can to contribute to this living process from consciousness to self awareness as life.

I can therefore say that I have yet to fully embody taking my life seriously, but I understand and have walked in a consistent manner this practical learning process called life in self-awareness  of us being the creators of our lives, all of us being responsible for every action and consequence that has shaped our lives and that of others – understanding the scope of this existential process and at the same time understanding our role in it all.

Taking life seriously means participating in this process, being a life-birther so to speak not only in thoughts or eloquent speeches, but in who we are in our day to day actions, decisions, choices, ways of living, behaving, the kind of relationships we form with people, the kind of life we lead towards others and in our very own ‘secret mind’ – all of this is what reveals how serious we are with our own life and so life itself.

And because I cannot really ever measure or judge anyone as being serious or not about life, I can only live and do that for myself in my own life, and that’s what I commit to do, so that whenever I see I am being lax about the effect of my thoughts, words and actions in the constant and continuous process of co-creation in this reality, I have to ground myself back into taking life seriously and reminding myself that nothing that I participate for is ‘unaccounted for’ or ‘forgotten’ or ‘erased’ from the physical memory in this reality.

We have been existing into a seemingly ‘comfortable’ tunnel vision to understand the actual immediate co-creative abilities we have onto our reality with our very thoughts, words and deeds and their consequences of course as the proof of that, no matter how we may justify them or ‘paint’ them, we are all equal co-creators in this – yet, each one of us has the ability to decide what kind of creation process one gives life to, and the level of self-awareness that we have the potential to exist as vs. the level of awareness we ‘choose’ to blind ourselves with from our individual and collective responsibility to the whole.

So, here I commit to remind myself to not be impressed or intimidated by a personality that looks and sounds serious, eloquent, precise, meticulous, common sensical yet intellectual in nature, because this is where I need to always remind myself that as simple as it might sound: talk is cheap, words are ‘easy to say,’ they are ultimately just words, speeches – but Living Words is a whole different story. What we need is people actually living what we preach and this applies not only as an external ‘role’ or ‘profession’ for the world out there, but actually being so in one’s day to day.

Therefore, the point here is for me to be an example of what it means to take life seriously in my every thought, word and deed, wherein I commit to do what I set myself to be and do in the name of what’s best for all, where my life can stand as a testimony of what it means to ‘be the change you want to see in this world’ and do so without having to resort to the usual traits and personalities that may use ‘seriousness’ as a way to portray a form of superiority or ‘authority’ which many times – if not most – are not congruent in terms of ‘personal’ and ‘professional’ life.

That’s the divide I want to break here in my own life where I am not just someone that divides life and work in order to be ‘two separate beings’ that can take life seriously and not at the same time – no matter ‘what’ I do and where I am in the system, I commit myself to taking life seriously as in not being lax to my own application of self-correction and living expansion, and to honor that commitment through every decision I make in my life, which translates into living integrity and self-respect as creators of our lives= as within, so without.

That’s the kind of individuals that I’d like us all to become and debunk for once and for all the external facades of ‘care towards life’ that are not genuinely honored in the nature of who we are as individuals, becoming ‘cheap talk’ with no substance at all – and this is what I am here challenging within myself, to stick to my truth, to live my words, to practice what I preach in my living reality on a day to day basis, beyond only conveying good sounding words which anyone can ultimately convey – this is about sharing one’s truth and one’s commitment to actually live and embody as the new nature of ourselves as human beings, and that’s the kind of seriousness I’m definitely all in for in my existence.

Thanks for reading  

 

 

Join us in our process of Self-Creation as LIFE


537. Comfortable in My Own skin

 

§  Continuing from: 530. The Secret Behind Attraction

 

Being comfortable in my own skin’ is something I’ve been paying close attention to and looking at with more detail these days, more so in the presence of more people, whether it’s people I know or simply people while walking on the streets.

The physical discomfort I have had is related to being what some might define as being ‘self-conscious’ in relation to how I can be perceived by others, specially to ‘new’ people and that’s been a constant which even if I doesn’t end up determining how I can eventually get to speak towards them, at the very initial moments of interaction there’s been this ‘discomfort’ experienced in my body, which I have also learned to not ‘close up to’ or go completely tense and stiff, but learn to kind of ‘acclimate’ to the situation, to the people. And of course this is definitely not a discomfort that has to do with myself in my own body per se, but has all to do with perceptions and judgments about myself, my expression or the ideas I can instantly create about how I can be perceived by others. However even if I end up reminding myself that I’m the only one that is making up these judgments and get to integrate myself and manage to correct myself ‘as I go’ in a conversation or interaction with others, an initial ‘stiffness’ in my body does emerge, slight but still there and here I’d like to be able to be comfortable within me no matter where or with whom.

Now this is me sharing more of the ‘work in progress’ and over time that I’ve been applying based on understanding the nature of my judgments, projections, beliefs, expectations in my mind that create such physical discomfort, but I can also remind myself that it hasn’t always been like that.

If anything a decade ago I also found my sense of security based on the people I surrounded myself with and alone I would be very much of an introvert with new people or people that I would instantly judge and perceive weren’t ‘my type’ to interact with  lol – I have worked a lot with prejudices, elitism, superiority/inferiority, personality pickiness during the initial interactions with others, I would only open up and be comfortable with people I wanted to talk to based on preference or personality. Eventually I could get to be ok around people, say if I’d see them every day like in school, but in any other social context, first thing would be like a tightness/freezing over wherein I’d just be observing and keeping quiet. And currently I’ve moved more into a point of comfort in interacting after I pass the initial ‘interaction stiffness,’ and this comes as a deliberate decision to make myself part of a moment.

I saw it yesterday when I was suddenly in a room with quite a few people I know in a very sheer manner, and I precisely practiced self-awareness at a body level, being aware of my body, the way I stood, ensuring I was relaxed – no pressures – and also getting to interact at moments which came as a complete decision to do so, because it’s not something that entirely ‘flows out of me’ yet, but it takes practice.

So this also gives me a clue as to how this ‘discomfort’ in my own skin has existed before, and that’s because of how I had always seen myself as ‘an outsider’ for most of my life – lol as a child, I used to think that I had truly been placed in the wrong family, that I probably had been dropped off by an alien or something like that – so figure that out, me growing up with that kind of ‘joking perceptions’ that evolved into an actual sense of ‘not belonging’ or ‘being an outsider’ or ‘being outshined by sisters’ expression’ which I’ve also written about before. And it’s interesting that it’s only lately how I have been finally finding ‘my ground’, more as in embracing myself, accepting myself, valuing myself which then also creates this sense of self-acceptance as a comfort in my own skin, and this is work in progress, will continue to fine tune myself – but it’s quite cool to give a bit of a review of ‘how I was’ before and where I would definitely not want to ‘accept me’ or ‘show me’ to the world, because of judgments, sense of inferiority or this same self-created ‘outsider’ experience, which won’t definitely get us anywhere in life but to isolation, exclusion and eventually missing out on life.

What I’ve realized over these past week in fact wherein I noticed the most discomfort in my physical walk, is that it was all related to perceptions, to ‘lacking’ a company in the moment, to being perceived as a ‘loner’ or simply becoming more ‘judgmental’ towards my own appearance even, which is something I don’t usually struggle with, but as I explained in a previous blog about comfort in solitude, this comfort was suddenly shaken once that I saw myself being walking alone in the streets, which I’ve tested out just today and saw that with the attention I’ve created towards this point of physical comfort and stopping any thoughts related to what causes the sense of ‘missing’, I was quite ok and comfortable in myself, which means, this works.

I also realize to what extent we are defined by memories, because this same ‘discomfort’ was really something I would experience more many, many years ago, it could have remained there in a more subtle manner, but it became exposed again once that my reality changed and suddenly I didn’t entirely establish this comfort within myself, alone, but went back to ‘experiencing the lack’ and so forth, which is also a matter of getting used to it and practicing physical awareness while walking outside.

Now I have to say that writing all of this out in detail in these blogs and so creating an inevitable awareness of myself at a physical level during my days has been very assisting. Today for example I did what I said I would do yesterday, which is to vlog again on YouTube this time alone – no hangouts or other world matters, but sharing me – and that was quite cool to do, much simpler to do than I had thought, and all I had to leave aside was the pretense, the perception that I had to behave in a certain way or portray myself in a certain manner. When dropping all of these beliefs, what came through is just me, as I could probably see myself in a mirror every time I exchange words with any other person, and that’s very cool, it usually would not be coming through like that in personal vlogs, maybe hangouts yes, but this was a cool step for me also to not have certain points of resistance hanging there in ‘waiting’ mode, but I simply walked my decision to start vlogging again and will continue sharing some pointers there for the YouTube community.

In relation to this ‘comfort in one’s own skin’ and particularly how I perceived this expression coming through someone that I perceived myself being attracted to – how I saw it was entirely related to being zero pretentious yet having a dose of ‘character’ in a way wherein one can be expressive yet without any hidden agenda, without trying to ‘impress’ or portray oneself in a ‘superior’ manner in any way, and this is precisely what I want to integrate fully within myself, especially when I am not interacting with people.

That’s the actual key here, because whenever I start making contact with people, it’s like a more or less instant-down-to-earth expression – yes, most of the times, maybe not entirely always, still got to fine tune that – but, when being alone in a public space and there’s zero interaction – like walking through busy streets, that discomfort can creep up and can be probably perceived as some kind of snobbishness in how I ‘carry’ myself lol which is actually coming from an experience of uncertainty in fact wherein in our minds we seek to create a point of comfort through some kind of superiority or ‘self-elevation’ so to speak. And I can relate a lot to this, being uber-serious but more in portraying a ‘do not mess with me’ type of expression, which is also a sense of defensiveness that eventually creates tension in my body and that means, I’m not really ‘here’ expressing comfortably in my body, especially when going out alone and not really interacting with others. Well, there’s also an aspect of being a female walking alone in the streets, but even that, should not really define me, I should not carry ‘fear’ within me while walking either, because that’s still me giving space to fear to exist within me throughout the whole time, and that’s not expression. All I can do is be cautious, without paranoia and take care of myself.

Who I am in fact should not change whether I am alone or with others in terms of my inner-expression so, this is the point for me to continue looking at in real time, but so far as of today, cool progress, less haste as well, more stability in my step so to speak and not rushing as if hell was about to break loose either, which I did a couple of weeks ago, eventually hurting the sole of foot with blisters, so that was a ‘stop!’ indication from my body, that I was still walking ‘in the past’ and perceiving a ‘lack’ as I walked – living in the past – instead of embracing the moment, without memories, which is something also learned from Gian and his experience with his feet which can be seen here.

Ok, so I’ll share as I go other aspects that I go noticing of physical comfort and ‘being comfortable in my own skin,’ and simply to remind how all of this is of course an outflow of walking the Desteni Process and learning to support myself to change, to become the individual that I see I can be and express and so far it’s definitely the solution I see to genuinely becoming the kind of individuals that can create a new world, the change starts within ourselves.

Thanks for reading

 

 

Join us in our process of Self-Creation as LIFE


536. Transparency (No Pretense!)

 

§  Continuing from: 530. The Secret Behind Attraction

 

Here I look straight into the word ‘pretentious’ as it being something that I have a general negative association to – and it being the opposite of the word I’m looking at integrating here which is transparency, without pretense specifically – and it’s interesting to read the whole list of synonyms and antonyms of this word here http://www.thesaurus.com/browse/pretentious because it gives a general feel to what my interest or ‘attraction’ and also ‘repulsion’ towards someone’s expression is all about yet, it all relates to my own judgments towards my own expression.

The first thing that pops into my mind is myself expressing me in what I considered was an ‘over the top’ type of expression, mostly related to memories of how I have been –according to my judgment – conceited or pretentious, which is something I definitely want to fine tune into a point of humbleness, simplicity in expression, transparency – in a way of expressing: here I am, this is my expression, no need to pretend to be ‘more’ or anything less than what I am, which is coming through more in who I am and how I interact with others, but it wasn’t definitely an immediate process to get to be that.

Looking back in my expression a decade ago, I definitely had placed a lot of personalities before me in order to ‘cope’ with reality, sometimes being too shy and reserved – read fearful and judging how others would experience my ‘real’ expression – and some other times appearing too extravagant, conceited, snobbish and getting myself into a ‘high’ of sorts, stemming from the actual inferiority I would experience towards others which led me to create a somewhat defensive self with a tinge of grandeur in order to make myself noticed in fear of being unnoticed – and the rest of the polarities that stem from simply not being accepting oneself.

I can say that I could have come off as pretentious or petulant lol, which I must say was quite a hard-wired personality in me, mostly veering towards the ‘giving a punch with words’ and my expression rather than simply sharing myself in calm and stability, without seeking attention or a form of specialness.

The point is to notice how it has been a process for me to get to a relative point of transparency, openness, comfort when sharing myself with others – walking from the shy, fearful character that didn’t even want to record videos and upload them on the internet (yes, I had made a decision upon first encountering YouTube back in 2006 that I would never be on it, lol) to then deciding to start sharing myself in relation to this process with Desteni and finding ‘my expression’ in those videos, which at times I can see myself currently cringing at how I expressed myself back then and pondering if others considered it too brusque, ‘in your face’ and maybe a bit too snobbish or pretentious at times – which of course were also expressions I have generally disliked in others, which proves again that ‘what one dislikes, exists within oneself as well’ – however, if I had judged myself as all of this and had refrained myself from recording those videos, I would have prevented me from learning to be comfortable in front of a camera and speaking into a recording that will stay there as an archive for posterity, which sure, may sound intimidating at times, but I’ve also learned to not go and ‘delete’ the stuff, but leave it there as a process walked at a certain point in my life – it’s part of the process, as we say.

So, this point of transparency linked to a humbleness and an unconceited expression is something I want to practice more in my expression within specifically getting back to recording videos, because I had also prevented myself from doing so because of how I had judged the ‘YouTube persona’ that I have there as some kind of embarrassment that I could just bury for a while and not get back to my personal vlogs – however this is now out of the bag and I will look at recording myself again, because it is quite supportive to do so, it assisted a lot to see myself, to even get to know myself by seeing how I speak, how I move my face and the rest of tonalities that may come through it, it’s quite a great process of self-exploration as well.

I enjoy writing and apply transparency in the sense of being self-honest, being able to see the ‘nitty gritty’ of myself and have no problem with me sharing it, I’ve been in hangouts and it’s definitely enjoyable also to share oneself because of the interaction with others – but now I have to go back to the self-recording and see what comes up. And one of the words I want to integrate in my expression is that of being transparent, not having any hidden agenda of wanting to be perceived in a certain way, but simply sharing myself, without pretense, without fears, without having to ‘appear’ a certain way that I’ve defined as ‘acceptable for the world to see’ – lol. That’s the pretense right there to stop and correct within me.

This is an interesting thing to look at because it is mostly in the notion of ‘recording’ myself that this experience of having to put on a show comes up, because I have seen myself how I can enjoy and be expressive when sharing with other people real time and no fears like that emerge – but it is in the consideration of doing vlogs – as in material that will remain for posterity and multiple replays – that this emerges, which is in fact something I did to myself, considering how I have been the one that has re-played myself and gotten to judge my expression, therefore

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have refrained from recording myself in vlogs again due to how I have judged my expression before and perceiving that I am mildly embarrassed by my previous expression, yet it is what it is, a part and phase of my process where I was discovering ‘who I want to be’ and how I want to express myself, which is also a fine tuning process that I cannot expect to come through ‘perfectly’ at first – also here realizing that I am the one that has to stop seeing myself through the eyes of judgment, of seeking ‘perfection’ in such videos, but instead embrace my expression in the moment, being transparent, having no ‘hidden agendas’ or pretense around it all, but giving myself that opportunity to see me this time through judgment-less eyes, and not doing it only to myself, but also towards others as well.

And the reason is mostly because of how I became a certain person/character on those videos that do not represent what I’m really like currently. I am still quite direct and frank but without that sulkiness or the tinge of cynicism that would come through at times, however I’ll only know until I actually record myself. And this is another thing to debunk here, how I expected myself to kind of ‘replay’ how I presented myself in the past, which is of course not something that is common sensical to do and I’ve been using this excuse as a reason to not do personal vlogs and have given my power away to these justifications and excuses, which doesn’t make sense at all, because if anything then I can show how change is possible and how we don’t have to be the same as yesterday, that change is healthy and it’s actually something that we should all do as well considering it is very much needed to fine tune ourselves to be best for ourselves and so best for all.

I said in my first vlog ever that ‘I felt like an open book’ and it was so in the sense that I was writing out the first pages within this process of self-discovery, self-change and self-honesty creation, and now it’s time to continue doing so not only in writing but get back on doing videos and any other methods I can plan on directing as well in my reality.

So, I’ll be soon recording myself also to share more about my personal process of self-change based on my participation within Desteni – officially for 9 years in my case – and all the bits of changes that I’ve been creating within myself, what I’ve learned, what I’m still working on, etc. And that is then a way to live transparency as well, where I don’t have to put on a show or create an entertaining display of knowledge as myself but instead do a simple practical self-sharing, which I already do in these words, in these blogs – now it’s simply taking it to the vlog level again and get back to being comfortable recording myself.

Bottom line is, if transparency is something I appreciate as an expression in others, why have I separated myself from such transparency and unconceitedness and making it something that I long to experience through a relationship with someone that I perceive as transparent? Why do we create these barriers in our lives of waiting for someone to ‘be that for us’ instead of us taking the lead and learn from them, integrate that expression as ourselves and walk the process that it takes to live a word for real within and for ourselves?

Also, this is not as simple and quick as in saying ‘I want to be transparent here and now’ and that’s it – living this word is also a process and starts with developing self-honesty which is a pillar of this process from consciousness to self-awareness as life. This is just an example in terms of transparency in expression when sharing oneself, going from the notion of having to ‘put on a show’ or ‘appear’ a certain way at the eyes of others, or becoming defensive instead of being vulnerable, open and genuine – aiming at simplicity, instead of trying to do something ‘larger than life’ and ending up elevating oneself too much, losing ground, missing the earthy-expression of saying things as they are, as we are, in a moment, without edits, that’s what’s enjoyable as well from human expression for sure. Therefore I stop expecting others ‘to be that towards me’ or ‘for me’, I have to be the one that lives the word and sets the example.

Transparency to be lived as a direct, frank expression yet self-honest which means, within self-responsibility, within humbleness – not as a ‘show off’ or another kind of pretense of ‘being transparent’ lol, but as a genuine expression without hidden agendas nor back doors, that’s the kind of expression that I am here placing on my table of words to practice in living and developing for myself within communication specifically, considering I have already developed a point of self-transparency as self-intimacy= seeing within myself, getting to know me as I am, pushing through fears of seeing my truth and reality, being willing to see and open up whatever is needed to continue ‘processing’ myself, not hiding from myself – that’s settled to a certain extent over time and with the tools of self-writings, self-forgiveness and the feedback gotten through the network of support as the Desteni I Process, which has been a lighthouse in a vast sea of darkness lol, seriously, considering how one can lose one’s direction at times, the support one gets to get back to self-honesty and self-responsibility to one’s self-creation is always a gift in life to have.

So! Transparency, openness, vulnerability and self-enjoyment in my expression, here I come.

Thanks for reading

 

 

Join us in our process of Self-Creation as LIFE


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