Category Archives: Decisions

573. What is Right? What is Wrong?

Or transforming morality into a practical assessment of what’s here for me to live, decide and act on as my creative authority

What does seeing through what is apparently ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ mean? How to step out of the morality construct that I’ve been limiting myself with? This all starts with the simplicity of judging certain things as right or good and some others as bad or wrong. Who decides what these are? I do. And I know, morality is such a big word and it has shaped a lot of who we are as human beings, partly because of religious constructs that were built to create fear, control and in a way yes, regulate some of the most harmful and abusive ways that we have as human beings. However, as much as it could have served a purpose throughout our past, we can definitely start evolving into a form of self-direction, self-authority, self-forgiveness and self-responsible change that doesn’t require an idea of heaven, a reward, a judgment, a punishment or fear to drive our change of actions other than doing it for ourselves, because ‘I matter’ because ‘we matter’ to each other and in what we create in our reality.

So, even if I could have said before ‘I am not a religious person’ ehm ehm, well, the moment that I am judging something as the ‘right thing to do’ or ‘good’ and ‘benevolent’ proves that I create a religion, a set of beliefs within me where I guide what I do based on an idea, a belief, a creed of sorts that I immediately come up with, without giving a second thought to consider practical reality. So morality comes in the same of that ‘immediate thought’ of ‘that’s wrong! That’s bad!’ or immediately jumping into defining something as ‘good’ or ‘benevolent’ and feel an upliftment about it based on an idea of what it represents in my head.

However, these are only ideas as judgments, they are all aspects or parts of myself that I’ve come to be so used to judge as ‘good’ or ‘bad’, constantly assessing and analyzing what I should or should not do within a value-system created through morality as ‘good’ or ‘bad.’

Ultimately morality is a construct of fear and control used throughout a phase or time in our lives as human beings where we didn’t develop ways to develop our responsibility as creators of reality, and so had to be ‘managed’ through fear, though ideas of burning hells and punishment – lol – just look at religion and realize the fear, the suffering, the punishment, the bliss, the heavenly pleasures embedded to ‘moral constructs’ of right and wrong, good and evil.

 

Well, I can definitely see how much I have limited myself within such mentality, which is linked to the whole construct I’ve been opening up recently of being ‘morally upright’ and ‘virtuous’ and ‘being an example’ and all of these words that I turned into another personality or ‘frame of mind’ through which I was at the same time judging, discriminating and eventually fearing doing, acting, thinking or considering certain things because of deeming them as ‘bad’ or ‘wrong’ or standing as the opposite of what I wanted to ‘show’ of myself or believe that I simply ‘should’ stick to the ‘good side’ of things. But, who defines what these limits are? I do and not in a very practical manner, but based on ideas, beliefs, fears, judgments, coming from social conventions, from religious dogmas, from fears.

But again, I am the only one in my head creating these limitations as ‘right or wrong,’ I am the only one doing this to me at a thought level where many times I’ve even refrained myself from ‘trying something out’ because of still seeing myself, my reality, my actions through these eyes of ‘what is right or wrong,’ and in a way ignoring or not seeing how that judgment of ‘that is wrong,’ or ‘I’m not going to do that because it’s not right’ is a limitation, mostly stemming from a social construct, a belief, an accepted limitation at a judgment level that I then turn into a real obstacle for me to not take the steps and ‘dare’ to do something or change something or test something out, step into the unknown which to me is a first step for actual change most of the times, if not all the time.  

This is where I want to look at what would be a practical way to, in every moment, stop referring to my old-age morality of ‘what is right and wrong’ and transgress my own limitations by doing a simple and ‘on the spot’ assessment of what is right for me in a moment, which is not about a belief or idea of it being’ right’ in fact, but more turning this into a looking, a seeing, an observing within a functional context, such as considering ‘what works for me in this moment? What is practical for me to do? What am I capable of doing or conducting in this moment? Am I willing and able to walk through this decision with its consequences, outflows and outcomes whichever way they might be?

Now here I am placing the responsibility entirely on myself, within a reality context that will have real consequences, real creations – rather than going into my mind and limiting myself based on an idea, belief or construct of ‘what is right or wrong to do’ in any given situation, which I consider is a functional foundation for self-creation, being ‘playful’ with creation and taking that necessary initial ‘leap’ that any form of change implies, while doing a quick assessment of what one can live with in terms of the effects, consequences and outcomes of such moment’s decision and actions.

Within this I realize how much I have limited myself in what I do based on this ‘idea’ of myself as a certain kind of person that ‘only talks about certain kind of topics,’ that is supposed to ‘always act/behave in a certain manner’ and all of these ideas of myself hide a wide array of constructs of why it is ‘right’ for me to do, say, act or belief certain things and why it would be ‘wrong’ for me to do something outside of what I believe I am only able or capable or ‘suitable’ to think, say and do.

Now, this isn’t about libertinage in the sense of giving a ‘free reign’ to ‘whatever I want to do’ in a rather foolish extremism of ‘there’s no more right and wrong therefore anything goes!’ where for example harm or abuse is conducted to myself or others – nope. Morality is definitely not the same as considering reality principles, such as ‘every action has a reaction or consequence’, considering doing onto others what I’d like others to do onto myself and others, to consider the responsibility of my actions and inactions, to live and give to others what I’d like others to consider giving to themselves and others as well as co-creators in this world… Now these are very ‘broad’ statements, but to me it speaks more about considering what I am willing to ‘live with’ in making decisions, in taking the steps to create something in my reality that I can now assess based on practical matters, considering the consequences, the practical outflows and potentials of what I can walk with, what I can learn from it, the purpose, the intent, the words I can live in deciding to do something – rather than only seeing it through a very limited – and usually instant – scope of ‘what’s right to do’ and what’s ‘wrong to do’ in my head, where no reality or practical considerations are taken into account.

I consider that it’s much more practical to make informed decisions, make a practical plan and see potential outcomes to then see what is the ‘right’ path or decision for me to take according to that context, that moment in time, my life, my experience, my moment – which cannot be defined by any ‘set in stone’ ideas of what is right or wrong – every decision, moment, path is unique in itself, according to each person, each context, in a moment of each one’s life and so what is ‘right’ for me to do is to consider what’s practical, what can work, what I am willing to walk through and live the results thereof, live with the consequences and at the same time, very important: be ok with making mistakes, not judging myself, but rather being able to trust my assessment in that one moment, being able to trust myself in being fully present in that moment of making such decision and ‘staying true to myself,’ whichever this ‘truth’ might be for me at the time/context and standing by my creative authority, taking the risks, taking the steps to do it and consider the responsibility it entails, which to me is part of an active process of change considering that we are mostly keeping ourselves in our seemingly ‘safe spots’ because of all the fears we got to actually take the steps into the unknown, which is usually what we have denied ourselves from doing because of deeming it as ‘not for us’ or ‘bad’ or ‘wrong’ or seeing ourselves as ‘unfit’ or ‘incapable’ for something…. But who defines that? Who decides that? We do, therefore we can turn the tables and take the steps to challenge our self-imposed limitations, within the realm of reality and consequences.

The practical process for me here is in the context of transcending and transforming this morality construct: whenever I see myself considering that I should ‘not’ do something because of referencing back to ideas, beliefs of perceptions of ‘who I am and should be’ at my eyes and the eyes of others, I have to stop myself and rather assess it in the form of ‘Am I willing to live with the outflow/consequence or result of taking this/that path or decision and live it in every step of the way?’ ‘Am I willing to walk this decision in this moment and take responsibility for the result as my creation?’

And this doesn’t even imply a ‘beginning or end’ or ‘sticking to something just because I decided to do so’ because who knows? Sometimes we will find right at the start or half-way through the process that what seemed ‘the right way’ when we made the decision ended up not being ‘the right way’ and so give ourselves again that creative authority to change our mind, to change our direction and find another path for us, decide on what’s the ‘right way’ to go in that moment which is more like saying ‘what can work better’ or what can function better now that I know that what seemed ‘right’ turned out to not be the way, turned to be the ‘wrong way’ for me in this moment – and again! Just for that moment, because: who knows? We might find it suitable in another time in our lives – instead of for example beating us down and bashing ourselves for ‘taking the wrong path’ or ‘making mistakes’ because that’s again morality construct speaking, not creative authority.

I’ve definitely lived for so long believing that I had to keep myself ‘on the right path’ all the time, which led me to then deliberately test going to the ‘opposite pole’ in an attempt to ‘transcend my limitations’ or ‘transcend morality’ but this is not about going to extremes, but about practical self-responsible assessment of what I’m willing to do and live with in every moment of my actions or inactions, and walk it through, keeping an awareness of what I’m doing, creating, and even if I ‘lose track of myself’ at times, be ok with it, knowing again that I got myself, my reference points as principles and going again at it, living.

This is where I disengage the ‘notion’ of living as ‘doing the right thing’ all the time, and instead learn to live life as the plethora of experiences that one walks through in it, without judgment, without fear. Sounds really nice and easy, but it actually entails to me in every moment that I see a limitation coming up in the form of right/wrong or fears and judgments, I have to stop myself and rather ask myself what am I willing to do, live with and walk with within this decision? Am I able to develop and learn and walk what it takes to do this? And then that becomes a more dynamic approach to life where I can let go of ‘what ifs’ and ‘fears’ that I have stifled myself with for so long.

Now again, it’s easily said, but the proof is in the pudding, so this is just the story board of the actions to take from now on in my life to see what works, what doesn’t work, testing things out, considering common sense, considering what’s best for all in practical terms of my reality, the impact of my creation, my words, my actions on myself and others – and that’s quite a physical process to take into consideration.

Ok, that’s it for now. Thanks for reading.

 

 

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562.Stepping out of Character

Or how to practically challenge the ‘I will never….’ statements

I’m currently doing things that I would not have done before, that I had said ‘I’m never going to do’ or that I was resisting to get to do not that long ago, yet upon also analyzing to what extent these beliefs were limiting me in many ways, I realized how I was sticking to certain views and ideas about myself and what I am willing to do or not as part of a religion of self, where I believed that ‘I have to stick to my words’ or ‘I have to follow through my decision’ even if these words or decisions are proven to be ineffective, rather limiting or leading myself to a form of restriction or ‘sacrifice’ within a moral view of what I believed is right or wrong to do.

An example is getting a car and learning to drive. I had been wanting to avoid doing this for such a long time and dragging this around as something I would ‘someday, maybe, eventually do’ but ultimately had not placed a time and date for it, believing that somehow I could just prolong it and leave it hanging there for indefinite time. However, I am glad that certain situations in my reality have also led me to push to get this done and saw for myself how it was rather ‘easy’ it was to give direction to these two points in terms of finding a suitable used car and scheduling the driving lessons. I had the first one today and yes of course it’s completely doing something that I had for sure feared and so resisted to do for such a long time that whatever I face as fear is only also an accumulation of all the reasons, excuses and justifications I would tell myself in order to not move and direct this point in my life, which I am definitely now aware is something that I can get to enjoy and benefit from.

Here then for example, some of the reasons, excuses and justifications I used to not learn to drive is not wanting to pollute more the world with one more car, opting to walk around for the most part, take uber rides or public transportation which I have defined also as ‘grounding moments’ which sure I can still do whenever it’s practical do so, but it’s of course cool to have an option that is a more independent form of transportation. I also got to take pride on walking long distances, to the point where I could walk to places without even taking public transportation, which is still something enjoyable for sure and great exercise, though sometimes road to get somewhere is not always walkable, weather conditions are not always suitable and this also becomes a determining factor to go out to places that are mostly nearby, which has actually been then a limitation for me to not go to places where public transportation doesn’t get to or private rides would be too expensive. So, with having a car I can then circumvent these limitations and get around easier.

In terms of seeking a car, it was also quite a time consuming situation, something that I had to not give up on and be patient about as well, it’s not so ‘easy’ to buy a used car and be satisfied in most aspects about it, so I am glad I found the one I ended up buying right when I said ‘ok I’m done, this is the last number I’m calling to’ – and a part of me also wants to diminish all of this as petty situations, nothing too ‘transformative’ or these are things that people do on a daily basis, but here I also have to consider my context and my particular beliefs that I had to essentially breakthrough – or step out of character – in order to do all of this, so I have to not go into a projection about how this might be read, because here I share the direction that’s needed to do things that I had postponed for a long time until realizing the benefit that it creates.

Another thing I decided to do is get into a short running race for amateurs on Sunday, it’s essentially a 3 km jog that I regularly do, and I managed to get a second place in it lol, it was funny because to me it ended up being a lot more considering I jogged all the way back and forth to the start of the race, so I also discovered that I can in fact jog more than what I usually do and my body didn’t get strained at all, which means that whenever I feel like I can barely complete one loop around the track it means I am most likely listening to my mind and not really being here with and as my body. Of course this wasn’t among ‘professional’ so I’m not bragging about the position here, but rather seeing how this was easy for me to do because of having been consistently jogging.

This is again something I would not have at all considered I would do in my life based on how much I would suffer to give a jog around a smaller track when being in junior high school and saying words like ‘I’m never going to run again in my life.’ For this race, I had to make a decision to participate in it, get myself inscribed which is by all means something I would not have dreamed of doing over 2 years ago when I would probably run 100 meters and start panting… it may seem easy to say to be part of a race, but again taking my context into consideration, I would always only fume about how I ‘sucked at running’ and ‘loathed physical exercise’ many years ago. However with consistency I’m about to do some 2 years of being regularly jogging without having any problems in my body with it, being very gentle as well and not over doing it, as well as continuing walking on a regular basis which I’ve done for some 10 years or so, which has also been very assisting to me, my grounding ‘get away from computer’ moment as well, a ‘me time’ walk towards downtown and yes for sure also doing it for the exercise it is. Here I also place a disclosure that many people consider jogging is not good for the body, and so it might not but that’s where I’m at right now with it and enjoying a lot the fact that I can do something I would not have dreamed of being able to do before – of course starting with small steps, practicing, just like with everything, which I now remind myself of now that I got quite into the ‘new zone’ of learning to drive, and reminding myself to be patient about these new things to learn, expansion it is!

I’ve also been painting something that I sincerely would not have done 10 years ago when I started my career, and it is funny how I am remembering more about the classes  I decided to skip many times because of how I deemed my teacher was ‘too conservative’ and that I was ‘never going to paint the stuff he wanted us to paint’ and even had verbal arguments with him where I got into one of those arrogant positions of me being all about abstract art and ‘could not care less for painting a self-portrait.’ And I just realized I kind of just painted that lol! And I am actually blushing right now in embarrassment while remembering that moment with that teacher where I almost let everybody know how much I disliked his ways and creating a belief that I also was not precisely appreciated by him, which I actually later on had to debunk for the assumption it was on my side, and also up till this day, I do regret not having gotten some basics from him, because they are in fact the kind of apprenticeship that you don’t get anywhere else, so I share this as a cautionary tale to ‘never say never’ and realize that any skills are always welcomed to be learned, because we never know when we might need them.

But in my case that’s done and now all I can do is learn those skills myself. Here simply sharing as part of those things that I said I would ‘never do’ and have kind of just ended up doing it anyways because I am also exploring different things to do and challenging what comes ‘natural’ to me and doing things I would usually definitely not do when it comes to painting.

I’ve discovered how painting or doing art is where most of my self doubt can emerge because there is not set ‘right or wrong’ ‘finished or unfinished’ type of task that I am good at – when it comes to self-creation it is a process in itself and that’s also how I’m realizing that it goes beyond the ‘final product’ as well, it also has to do with how one goes shaping one’s expression every brush of the way so to speak. And yes I also have to eat my words as well when I said I wasn’t going to paint again and do art again… well, here I am, one more to the list of things that I’ve gotten to ‘get back to’ or start learning to do or continue integrating in my life, which I am definitely enjoying because it is one of those things I do for myself and discovering new starting points for it becomes a nurturing hand in hand process with the Desteni Process as well.

Same with travelling to a particular country that I said ‘I won’t ever step foot into it again!’ and ranting about it… well, yep I can never know what opportunities may open up in relation to that country as well so, I can only eat humble pie and take my words back, self-forgive my absolutism/self-fascism that I now realize I have kept as a form of limitation which I am now very much willing to and ready to expand from.

With these few examples and others in my day to day, I am seeing more clearly how ‘tight-viewed’ I have kept myself in relation to many things in my life just because of believing that I am comfortable the way I am, but in reality it might not be so and the only way to get to know where one is actually limiting oneself or in fact doing something out sheer preference, is by testing things out and realizing that nothing is lost by testing something out, giving it a go, doing something ‘out of the normal’ which I am definitely eager to continue doing in various ways as well. It definitely seems like I am shedding an old skin so to speak and opening my horizons to something beyond what has become very normal and regular to me.

The overall point as a reminder for myself is: never say never, because we won’t ever in fact know what is ‘around the corner’ in our lives and creating these statements like ‘I’ll never drive a car’ ‘I dislike jogging’ or ‘I hate painting self-portraits’ or ‘I am never going to buy a car’ or ‘I won’t ever grow my hair back again’ are statements I made at a certain point in my life, but I’m learning to not keep myself captive within my own sentences and instead challenging myself, because to me many times it felt as if I was ‘betraying myself’ by doing all of these things, but all I’ve seen is the betrayal of opinions, beliefs, morals – ultimately a religion of self where I was not really considering all the potential situations or outcomes in life that I have to in fact be flexible about, so this is also another practical way to live the word flexibility.

All of this is of course part of walking this Desteni process where these decisions to do something and actually ‘move’ in our reality  – even more so when they are ‘out of the comfort zone’ situations – are quite supportive to transcend our fears, our limitations, our beliefs, our morals, our ‘religion of self’ and continue challenging myself this way, which is then again going hand in hand with my previous blog on ‘provocation’ and provoking myself to ‘loosen up’ some of the tight and rigid fixed ‘norms’ I had set for myself throughout my life in the past – or up to fairly recently – because hey, every day can be an opportunity to challenge these limitations.

Ok, let’s continue walking.

Thanks for reading.

 

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516. What Will Others Say?

Or debunking our own ‘after thoughts’ that we believe others hold against us and discovering, it’s all created by me.

I’ll start by sharing that I regularly write notes about things that come up within me during the day (written on the back of sales-tickets, to use that whole whiteness of paper!) and place some keywords on how I experienced myself in situation, in my interactions with people, any memories or patterns to open up, dreams, fears… and that’s how I get to have something to say and write about, which is part of the joy of getting to know oneself, when looking deeply, there’s a ton to open up and create a solution for and this point of ‘what will others say’ has been there for more than a week and I have kind of deliberately ‘skipped it’ over, lol procrastinating my own benefit, so here it goes for once and for all.

This rather common after-thought of ‘what will others say’ I’ve found to be very common in most of us human beings in terms of how we are individuals that constantly see ourselves through ‘the eyes of others’ which means: we constantly think that everything that we do is always going to be scrutinized and judged by others and usually not in the most beneficial or ‘flattering’ ways. This is something that I got to look at through listening to some parts of a ‘hangout’ between 4 young guys or teens in the Conscious Consumer Network discussing stuff about their lives, their points of view at their age and the problems that mostly press on them and a recurrent one seemed to be how other peers might judge them and how adults can also look down upon them, which also goes in the way of feeling ‘out of place’ or feeling scrutinized by others.

It got me looking into how I felt at that age in my teens or even pre-teens when I wanted to already be an adult all the time and get to do the things that ‘grownups do’ and feeling outside of the box with my own peers and just uncomfortable within my own skin, not fitting in and wanting to be alone but at the same time craving for social interaction. And a lot of the limitations as to why we many times limit ourselves in the things that we do or don’t do are based on the sneaky thinking related to ‘what will others say or think?’

This is something that until this day I can struggle with, especially when it comes to acknowledging a situation in my life where I am fearing to be called out for ‘failing’ at something or not fulfilling what I believe others’ ‘expectations’ are towards me, believing that people will diminish ‘who I am’ if I explain why I decided not to follow through with a particular life-project that I had planned for myself initially – or when I see myself not having the ‘regular profession’ that you can actually get a ‘title’ from a ‘renowned’ institution validating the very activity I am dedicating my life to – or when I can see at my past of relationships with people that didn’t end up ‘so well’ or when I’ve dared to not follow some ‘traditions’ or when I dared to follow some but not ‘culminate’ them as I believe others expected me to…. And the list could go on and in fact I will review all of this for myself because all of this that I am naming means that I am defining as ‘who I am’ and as something that I believe others are in fact ‘holding against me’ to invalidate me, to inferiorize me, to ‘not be taken seriously,’ to be diminished as a ‘dreamer that wants to change the world’ or to be defined as a ‘quitter’ or someone that has not yet ‘accomplished’ something ‘of value’ in system standards or someone that hasn’t made the brightest choices in life… and the list might go on as well.

In the past two weeks I’ve had to confront myself with my creation, my reality, the results of my starting point and choices in a point of self-creation that led me to look at myself in the mirror, in self-honesty and realize that upon having written about most of the things I was deciding and going through, I was mostly willing to walk through the process of making a somewhat tough decision in my life, yet at the same time discovering that I thought of how easy it would actually be if I didn’t have to confront it with anyone else in my life – not the society and community I live in including my family, my colleagues and friends and the rest of the people who I think are ‘out to find a flaw in me’ to then diminish myself to a point of ‘failure.’ In essence, a lot of what was bothering me was in fact the notion of ‘what will others say or think about me’ my decisions, my reality.

However as much as people can actually talk and have a say on everything – as we all do at any given time about anything we decide to create a judgment or opinion about – I realized that all of this that I was holding inside me was in fact myself, my own judgments, ideas, beliefs, perceptions, being my own worst judge, myself caring about ‘an image’ or a certain ‘ego-status’ that I have kept as an ideal of ‘being flawless.’

As I write this what comes up is an explanation of how early on this boils down to in my life, where the actual origin of this is yes, having been the ‘perfect student’ with ‘clean A’s’ all the way from the moment I stepped into a school and having people, my peers that were also 7 or 8 year olds coming at me and telling me how much they were going to ‘beat me’ next time at something, and how they would get on top of my position and I would fail and they would laugh at my misery – etc. Yes, of course not a nice thing to go through considering I had or have been very gullible about the human condition and could not understand how someone could be that ‘mean’ to me – and that caused quite a lot of commotion and uncertainty in myself but didn’t stop me from continuing doing my best and thanks to my mother from whom I learned  – and still do – to focus on myself, to do it for myself, to never mind what others think or say and that their words represented them, defined them, not me.

That was supportive at the time and it did help a lot to go through every day at school where I would at times be subject of ‘whole-class’ discrimination where it was as if everyone just decided to ‘turn against me’ in a way to ostracize me. It felt horrible, I would arrive home very sad and crying out because of it and I didn’t want to go to school any longer due to that, but I did anyways – unfortunately just like many, many kids nowadays that get bullied at school and go through worse situations than I did – and having this coming from even those girls that I deemed as ‘my friends’ was my first taste of betrayal, but also of seeing how much ‘what others say or do towards me’ could affect me.

Over the year growing up I learned to create a hard veneer towards all of that kind of criticism, which also led me to become a ‘tough head’ at times, antagonistic, be defensive, be outspoken and a bit ‘over the top’ in certain aspects which at the same time I don’t regret at all because at the time, it did help me walk through the rest of school years not trying to ‘find a spot’ any longer but rather building my own space and getting along with  anyone that I could, which is something I am glad I did. I wasn’t deliberately becoming ‘apart’ from others as a form of rejection to others or spiting them, but didn’t attempt to ‘fit in’ any longer, while also learning to talk to and relate to most people in my class, which is cool to do and this I’d recommend anyone around that age to do: be yourself, create your own spot, get along with everyone, treat everyone as equals and that’s what you’ll get back as well.

Back to the point of ‘What will others say’ and how it plays out into my current life situation is where I am the one that has kept that same belief within me that ‘others are out to get me’ or ‘watch me fall’ and that I have to keep a certain façade of ‘all is well’ and ‘doing great’ all the time so as to not give any ‘entry’ to a ‘flaw’ in me that could unleash criticism, judgment, opinions coming from others that might be just waiting to ‘find fault’ on me.

Now this is all that I have in fact created in my own mind, it is what I have accepted and allowed to give power away to as ‘what others will think of me’ and in fact it has been a constant point these days when having to confront people in my family, my community about the changes in my life and I could see that as much as I have done a pretty good job at presenting myself in a cool, calm and collected manner and as much as this is in fact an expression that seems comfortable in the moment – there are still discomforts in the background based on this notion of ‘how others might be thinking, judging, conversing’ about my life situation and how others will be opinionated about my choices and decisions.

One thing that has worked for me and that I have reminded myself about is to realize ‘I am the one living my life, my creation, my outcome and my choices, not anyone else’ which means if anyone has an opinion, belief, idea, perception, judgment about me, it is still their perception, their point of view or judgment that defines them and how they use their mind to assess other people’s life situation, but it certainly doesn’t define me.

Now this of course doesn’t mean that I don’t hear anyone else’s perspective on my situation, I do, do I am aware of how I also assess such feedback.  I am fortunate enough to have people in my life that I know I can count on to be simply there as a reminder of my own self-honesty – which is frankly the most valuable thing to do in times where we might be losing our footing in certain situations. And these are the people I can trust on getting feedback on so that I can at the same time check with myself in my own self-trust what I can look at, what can I work on within myself, what can I focus on opening up and creating a solution for the situation I am in, what kind of ways or paths can I create to step on my way through this challenging situation I am in. Therefore this becomes a constructive form of feedback that I can not only blindly take in, but assess within my own self trust, within my own self-honesty and then take it or leave it, but it’s always ‘on me’ and about me supporting myself, me being able to ‘live’ with myself, my choices, my decisions, in my life.

I definitely would like all of our relationships to be that way and this I certainly commit myself to do as well with people that I at the same time, have the fortune to be in a position of assisting and supporting in their own lives, their own process. Supporting, meaning: being there as a reminder of one’s self-honesty, without judgment, without expectations, without prejudices, but in humbleness and understanding, being ‘there’ for another while they find their own way through as well.

This is how I realize that all of the rest of judgments, ideas, prejudices I believe others would have to say about me as all the people that come up in my mind when considering having to ‘explain’ myself and my life, my choices, my decisions are nothing else but my own expectations built through memories, past situations where I would become ‘paralyzed’ with fearing others ‘coming at me’ to point out all the potential ways in which they could watch me fall and enjoy the show… yep, it is quite a problem that this can be happening between kids at such an early age and yes, if one doesn’t have proper support it can reverberate throughout one’s entire lifetime.

Here then I opened up and discovered how this notion of having to confront myself ‘at the eyes of others’ resonates with that early memory at school I described earlier and how the same conditioning of fearing that ‘others rejoice at seeing me fail’ is still keeping me bound to not stand fully clear in my current reality, because of perceiving that ‘others’ words, expectations, judgments, ideas’ about myself can actually have an impact on me, my life and who I am – but! Guess what? They don’t!

I have to remind myself that this that I am experiencing currently as this uncertainty of confronting others in my life and having to ‘explain’ myself as who I currently am in my life and my decisions is something I can actually self-forgive and let go of, because I am the one that is making and living that decision, not anyone else – and that’s how no one really has the actual position of ‘being me’ to have an actual say on who I am, what I do, the choices I make and why I make them.  Therefore any thought that comes up in me, about ‘others’ judging me, rejoicing at the notion of me ‘failing’ at something – I have to remind myself that it’s based on past memories and in no way defines ‘me’ currently.

In this I also remind myself that I can only ever be my own worst judge and that I can only be the one that accepts and allows any form of judgment to ‘affect me’ – it’s all on me, and that’s how I see that whenever I am ‘fearing’ what ‘others have to say’ about myself, my life, my choices, my decision, my ways, my principles = it doesn’t define me, but it will if I give my power away to it.

And as an extra point that I’ve proven as well is that, in our minds we tend to completely blow things out of proportion – so even in situations that we might be fearing to confront or perceive as potentially uncomfortable while participating in this backchat about ‘what others have to say’ about me, I’ve proven that most of it I completely blew out of proportion and made it a lot worse than what it actually was, and that I ended up becoming more of a nervous wreck based on my own imaginations and projections than when facing the ‘real deal’ and finding out ‘wow, it wasn’t as bad as I thought’ – this I consider is also one of those very common patterns that we can all remind ourselves about and stop torturing ourselves with it.

So! I’ll stop my own mind in relation to this and I have to say, I’ve definitely been much better at this all that I’ve described today through walking this process from consciousness to self-awareness as life, but not to a complete extent yet which is why it’s awesome to face things in my life and find out ‘hey! I still give too much value to what others might be thinking about me, gotta change that!’ and come here and lay it out for myself so that I cannot run away from my own self-honesty any longer, lol, which is actually another last minute reminder of how contradictory is that we put off or procrastinate to work on the very points that could ease our lives and make ourselves ‘know where we stand’ within ourselves again – it’s all about the power of writing and self-honest personal ‘debunkings’ that can clear the space and make us enjoy discovering ourselves as well.

So, enjoy doing yours and thanks for reading

And! Please gift yourself with this awesome recording to ‘find your way through’ even in the apparently worst-case scenario you might be at in your life, fresh from today:

Everywhere but Within – Demons in the Afterlife – Part 75

 

 

Join us in our process of Self-Creation as LIFE

 


506. From Despair to a Constructive Aftermath

 

 The aftermath here is the time after one has faced a particular outcome that wasn’t expected or preferred in relation to something that we were investing ourselves to create. That can be a particular project that doesn’t gain as much traction as expected, a job that we get fired from, a relationship that didn’t work out, a health problem that limits our abilities in certain ways, the death of a loved one… all of those situations that are part of our lives are the ones that we usually tend to get more ‘stung’ by in the sense of feeling discouraged and beaten down from what is seen or perceived as a failure, as a loss, as a ‘having to start over’ moment, as something that we invested on so much of ourselves but simply didn’t add up to the expected result.

It is quite common to feel defeated, to go into thoughts of considering that we’ve wasted our money, time and effort, that it all was ‘for nothing’ and then starting to close down to the consideration of trying it out again, of starting over a business, starting a new project or finding new ways to support ourselves physically on the face of illness or disease. We usually tend to see these unfavorable outcomes as a really bad thing to happen to us, but one thing that I’ve found most supportive is to recognize and – as I’ve been sharing lately – ‘own our creation’ all the way from beginning to end.

This has assisted me to be able to stand up and through the whole unraveling of a particularly ‘unfavorable outcome’ and learning to see it with the eyes of ‘I created this, I can learn from what didn’t work out, I can stand up again and create myself again, not give up on myself’

The experience of ‘giving up’ seems to be a ‘default tantrumy setting’ for ourselves in these situations, wherein let’s say we don’t get a desired outcome from a business venture and one can go into the extremes of saying ‘Ah, I’ll never again open my own business again, I’m done!’ or if one fails with a particular project, one tends to go into ideas of ‘I should not have even done that, what a waste of time, I’m never going to do such a thing again, such a failure!’ and in terms of relationships failing or having to part ways, one can go into thoughts like ‘I knew I should have never stepped into that relationship, I knew it was going to be a problem, I’m never going to go into a relationship again’ and we tend to be pessimistic within it all which I have also had a tendency before to do, which is why here today I share how this is not how it has to be.

The aftermath of these situations is actually a key moment for self-reflection, to first of lay out for ourselves our creation, see in self-honesty who we have been throughout the whole creation of the relationship, project, venture etc. then write out and self-forgive the judgments, the blame, the sense of ‘giving up’ on oneself in that particular aspect of our lives – or sometimes even wanting to give up on life entirely – because in those usually tough moments we tend to see everything through a thick fog of ‘lostness’ and ‘confusion’ and ‘despair’ and that’s precisely, right there, where that potential of ourselves as that willingness to stand up and take responsibility has to emerge. It won’t be an ‘automatic’ thing to happen either, it takes an actual decision to not go into emotional victimization to whatever went wrong or bad in our lives and first own our creation: I did this, I created this, I participated in it from beginning to end, therefore I assume the consequences/outcome of it.

Now here one thing that has assisted me a lot is to focus on what I’ve learned from the ‘failure’/mistake/problem/outcome’ and focus on what my participation throughout It all was. Sometimes things are entirely moved and created by ourselves, but some other times we have to work in teams to create something. If that’s so, blaming another for something not working out will only lead us down the path of seeing others as the problem, instead of focusing on ourselves. This is where the equilibrium comes wherein upon me recognizing, admitting and owning my creation, my part in the situation, I can at the same time then assist others to look at it as well within that same starting point, without any hidden agendas like an attempt to blame or accuse, because in that moment I understand the importance of sticking to seeing ‘my responsibility’ and my participation – or the lack thereof – in something that I had invested myself to create or get to work in along with others whose participation also counts in it, and so seeing the conjoined creation as a sum of individuals’ responsibility.

This makes the whole aftermath process easier because I can then review all of my decisions in the creation that I ended up ‘failing’ at and stand with each one of them, understanding how in the moment that I made them I trusted myself, I gave it my all, I can be clear that I did push to change things within me to make it all more effective, I know where I wasn’t giving it my 100%, I can clearly see where and how I compromised myself, what I could have changed but didn’t get to it and the ways in which I also did assist others to do the same as part of the team or project. 

This is how even when the outcome is unfavorable or unexpected, one can stand in one’s two feet and stand with one’s creation: with what one did – or didn’t do – what one pushed to change and do – or didn’t change or do – what one invested on time, effort, money on – or where it all lacked – and so make of this whole ‘failure’ situation a time for a personal review where we can see where our weaknesses existed and take note of them so that one can work through it. And at the same time also acknowledging where we got to strengthen ourselves, to expand, to learn new things about ourselves and others, which regardless of the outcome of things, will always be there in any creation process, alone or with others.

Therefore, a strong suggestion is to not allow oneself to go down misery lane upon facing a particular outcome, a problem, point of failure, bankruptcy, relationship breakup, health problem, loss of a loved one or anything that we might perceive in our lives as a ‘failure’, a loss or an obstacle – these are moments where we can open up in self-reflection, looking back at who we have been and learn from it, also to be able to stand with our creation, owning our deeds and their outcomes.

Here then why I’ve been placing ‘failure’ with these quotes is because this is a loaded word where we usually can experience it as a complete ‘drain’ of all of our life force and feel like we won’t ever get back up again from it – but if we learn to see a failure as one shot, one opportunity, one way, one path that we walked through with all of our being and intent to make it work, and regardless of it all we still discover that we’re not leading ourselves to the outcome we wanted to create for ourselves, then that’s where it’s best to stop going any further, go back to the drawing board and create another way.

Sometimes I’ve seen how specially in relationships, we tend to want to keep walking the same path out of fear losing the person in the relationship or fearing the outcomes from separating from another, but we only know that if over time we have tested something out sufficiently and still we’re seeing the same problems emerge, it’s best to not prolong the ‘testing time’ and rather start focusing on changing paths and learning from what didn’t work out on both parties. This I’ve found is more honorable as well, where we don’t keep walking a lie, where we have the courage to stop a point of deception for oneself and for another and everyone else involved in it, because that’s how we also prevent further consequences and at the same time shorten the time to face our creation, instead of doing so further down the road where more people, more time, more resources have been invested into something.

Here I also have learned from Bernard Poolman, a mentor and friend to myself, how no matter how many times his business failed and had to go through the whole point of ‘losing it all’, he kept at it, eventually succeeding in what he wanted to create. This perseverance, this continuity and dedication to creating something – along with the responsibility it entails – is definitely something I can learn from and integrate into my life so that I know, no matter how ‘bad’ things get in our lives, in our projects or relationships, no matter how ‘bleak’ the outcome may seem, one can still decide to stand up from the failure, the loss, the ‘breakup’ and learn from it, get back on one’s own two feet to then start planning the next step in our creation, mostly being wiser, if we learn well from our mistakes, mostly stronger – if we realize that what we feared facing and eventually ended up having to face didn’t ‘kill us’ but in fact wasn’t as bad as we thought it was going to be.

This is the kind of self-trust that we always have and can stand as in our lives in difficult moments or situations where we feel it as “the end of our world”, but it’s not so if we decide to not give into all the depression and emotional aftermath and instead create a constructive aftermath, a time for personal reflection, self-forgiveness, self-introspection to see what we did or didn’t do and so, start paving the way to get back on our own two feet and continue walking the same path or a new path, it’s up to us, we decide, we are our creators.

Thanks for reading

 

Suggested support from Eqafe.com

 

Artwork016


504. Stepping Out of Comfort Zones

Or looking at the limiting nature of ‘comfort zones’ and why it is necessary to step out of them in order to live to our utmost potential.

Getting out of a comfort zone might seem scary, sometimes undesirable, sometimes plain ‘torturing’ but it is only so based on how we have defined our relationship to that which we have defined as ‘our comfort zone’. Meaning, we all know what is genuinely not supportive for ourselves yet we easily get accustomed to tolerate it, to ‘live with it’ and stopping genuinely questioning what is it that I am in fact accepting and allowing of myself – and others – if continuing existing this same way day in and day out?

However the point in defining this bundle of limitations, stagnations, fears and limitations as ‘comfort zones’ or ‘safe zones’ is definitely unacceptable, which leads us to rather look at who we are in our minds and how in defining limitations, fears, judgments, beliefs that limit our potential as a ‘safe zone’ is indicating the ‘default’ nature of ourselves in our minds, which is definitely not that of support, not that of assisting ourselves to grow and expand, not that of getting out of our predefined and ‘default settings’ so to speak that we are born with as a mind and being in a physical body that carries all the info from our parents plus our environmental influence.

So here I’m deciding to from now on remind myself to investigate and challenge that which I am perceiving as comfort-zone in my life, what seems ‘easy’ for me to do already because even if it is a constant point of support, if it becomes a ‘halt’ in my personal development because I don’t push any further to other aspects or directions, then that’s the moment where I start embracing limitation and stagnation as ‘who I am’ and believe it’s just how things are or how our lives are ‘meant to be’ which are usually accepted as ‘perfectly normal’ reasons as to why we are supposed to remain in one single spot that is comfortable to us in our lives.

It takes courage, sometimes evident ‘shit hitting the fan’ type of consequences to step out of a comfort zone in our lives and I can see it for myself how it may seem like a scary thing to do at first, but eventually one goes realizing that self-honesty cannot exist in a comfort-zone mindset, because self-honesty is about questioning anything that we have defined as a ‘good experience’ in our lives and ultimately with time, one begins to only ‘question’ it but if we don’t make directive decisions to actually challenge the status-quo and step out of our comfort zone out of fear losing the seemingly ‘safe’ or ‘good enough’, we’ll remain looping around the awareness at the same time of there being ‘something more’ to ourselves, a better version of ourselves, a better potential.

Yet, if we at the same time keep a hold of ourselves in a comfort zone in whichever way we have defined it in our lives to be, we are closing the doors to give those first steps into creating a potential, because comfort zone is mostly about remaining in ‘one spot’ and one ‘same zone’ that we believe is good enough or comfortable enough to even try and alter it, change it – because if we investigate further, we fear ‘losing’ something or fear ‘changing’ something but we forget that if our starting point is that of self-honest process of change, then how can we go into fearing that it will be ‘for the worse’ if we apply common sense and self-honesty? And that’s how we can debunk our illusions and limitations.

If there’s a thing that by default – by preprogramming – we fear in our lives is change, fearing the unknown, fearing that which we haven’t even created yet and is existing as this ‘formless future’ that we get scared to face… but, here I question this again, why would we be scared of the unknown when one can instead start becoming more directive in creating our reality – on a day to day basis – once that we let go of the fear to step out of the comfort zone. Meaning we won’t be directed by an experience as a fear or prejudice about ourselves or others, but we will be then making sound decisions that we can test out and live out as points of support for ourselves and see what opens up in doing that.

We don’t usually like or prefer to question our comfort zones, because questioning it and starting to see the reality of ‘who we are’ in them will invariably shake our status-quo, will invariably prompt us to look within ourselves, in self-honesty, and decide if this comfort zone is in fact a place of growth, expansion, letting go of fears and limitations – or if it has become a normalcy point of ‘stability’ but not genuinely taking the steps to get to create and so be our utmost potential.

Once that I establish this for myself in what I just wrote, and deciding to root myself in self-honesty, I see that I cannot fool myself any longer and that I can in fact know which aspects of myself have been stagnant, which aspects I could expand even more and I may not know the ‘ways’ to do this yet, because that is precisely yet to be created, but I can see a direction, a purpose that I will go fine tuning as I go living this decision to step out of the comfort zone, which is actually a cool thing in spite of what may come up in my mind as fears or reasons ‘not to do this’, but how else will we get past our fears, preferences, our judgments, beliefs and limitations other than facing them in our lives and work through transcending them? In this case I also rather have to be thankful for consequences, because how else would I notice these points to change within me and in my life?

Now that doesn’t mean ‘we always have to put ourselves through that which we resist doing in order to face something’ – no, otherwise someone might come up with the idea upon reading this of ‘fearing heights’ and so going to the top of the steepest mountain and test their fear there without considering the actual danger there could be to it if improperly prepared – this is not about that.

This is about those things in our daily lives that we know firsthand we are still living as a ‘repetitive machine’ that lives in memories/limitations of the past, always reacting with the same fears, the same judgments and that’s precisely where stepping out of a comfort zone is letting go of that memory and experience of ourselves as ‘all that we’ve known ourselves to be’ in that moment, and instead, step out of the box and into self-creation, living out the words that we see would be most supportive in that moment – which will be easy to spot at times because it’s usually things we have in fact been wanting to do for a long time or that we’ve learned/seen others do, but feared doing it by ourselves – and then live out that decision to cross the threshold, step into the ‘unknown’ and realize that… we are still here, we remain! After all of that fear, anticipation or resistance to change, one can actually make it through and look back to see the comfort zone as the actual self limitation-zone, the fear-zone, the judgment-zone, the least-potential zone it has always been.

If this is not sounding liberating to you, not sure what will! But to me this is a refreshing way of looking at things, especially when we perceive we are losing something as our comfort zone – and this point was said to me recently as well to not only look at what is ‘lost’ but rather as what is gained as well, since we cannot really ‘lose’ something supportive of ourselves while being in a comfort zone – understanding ‘comfort zone’ now as all the definitions and aspects of it I shared above – we can only lose the fears, the limitations, the beliefs, the dependencies, the judgments, the habits that are not supportive for our lives and instead decide to give to ourselves an opportunity, a new path, a chance to recreate ourselves in a way that we would be willing to live with in self-honesty and that means, ensuring we are not settling for anything less than what we are able to do and live by, because that is represented by default by the movement to ‘stepping out of the comfort zone’ – not just changing to choose a ‘least worst’ either.

Last point here, if we don’t do this for ourselves, who else will? Sometimes life pushes us to redefine ourselves, to change and step out of a comfort zone through consequence and that’s mostly not a nice or pretty situation, but mostly a necessary one if we are on this path to live to our utmost potential.

Sometimes we have to stand as or create that point of ‘out of the comfort zone’ for another to step out of their own limitations and break illusions that were preventing us from facing our ourselves or getting to create ourselves to that best version of that is there as a potential in all of us. This might seem scary to do at first when facing such situations, but if we push through in self-honesty and make a decision to not deceive ourselves any further – as in creating comfort in limitation – then we can find the necessary clarity and realize that as difficult or hurtful as it might temporarily be, ‘growing pains’ is a certainty in this process, yet it is a momentary phase too, it too shall pass and it’s entirely up to us then to decide who we are and what we decide to create once that we decide and live our moving out of our comfort zones.

Words to live in this process: courage, determination and consistency in stepping out of the comfort zones.

Thanks for reading.

 

Very Supportive material at Eqafe.com to review on this topic:

Comfort Zones and Dependency

Challenge Yourself

Fear of Change – Fears & Phobias

Waiting for Change – Reptilians – Part 316

 

 Walking the thoughts as me


451. Will You Deliberately Read This?

 

One aspect of our human nature that is as clear as water for me now is the propensity to blame and behind this is the evasion of self-responsibility. As I write this I ‘feel’ I have just wrote about this in my last blog, but there’s really a myriad of ways in which we constantly try and find all kinds of ‘disguises’ or ‘covert’ ways to not have to take Self-Responsibility. How? We victimize ourselves, we believe we are ‘just enslaved to the mind’, we say that ‘we don’t know ourselves’ or ‘don’t see what we are doing’ or we get ‘angry at others/the world’, we say we ‘can’t remember’ or ‘are ashamed to see what we’ve become’ or believe that we have been ‘programmed this way by some gods or creators’ while comfortably forgetting all about what ‘oneness and equality’ means even with ‘those’ that supposedly are to ‘blame’ for what we’ve become. All  of these excuses I can note down here because I’ve seen myself in all of those aspects throughout my life as well, only to now see with clarity that they are all comfortable lies we tell ourselves to not get to see and recognize the raw truth of ourselves, which is not nice and not pretty.

There’s a particular great interview that I found resonated with me quite a lot, because this is exactly the reason why I am part of Desteni, because I am interested in us ‘taking off the masks’ that we have become with ideas of us being less and inferior to ‘something’ or ‘someone’, which are just ways to deceive ourselves really, instead of fully standing our ground and being ok to embrace ourselves – the seemingly ugly and horrible of ourselves as well – walking this path to review our lives  – not only personally, but collectively – and so be able to stand up and say: Yes, this is ME, I embrace me, I acknowledge and recognize me as the liar, the cheater, the victim, the creator, the whole of it.  I realize I have the ability/capacity/power to change who I am, because I have created myself and what I have become, and so I decide to LIVE that change, moment by moment in a Deliberate manner.

See this is a key word here to work on as I’ve been seeing it and realizing it with clarity within myself, because walking this process is a deliberate decision. Why deliberate? It’s not something that will flow naturally out of you, most likely it will be the most awkward ‘unnatural’ and ‘out of place’ thing one has ever done, because we have just not wired ourselves to live by principles of self-responsibility. Therefore being Deliberate is an absolute matter of willful action to see, recognize/acknowledge and realize our responsibility to who we are and what we have created as ‘what is here’ – and so at the same time, in equal realization opening the door to start creating ourselves in a principled manner, because we created ourselves and we are creating this reality as is = this means we are the creators of it all, so the question is: who do we decide to be?

We have created ‘greater sources’ and ‘gods’ from the very first moment of our existence, not as humans, but even before that, and all of it for the sake of creating a blind-eye and eventually forgetting who we are, ‘removing’ our responsibility to it all to place ourselves in a position of inferiority, of powerlessness, of enslavement, precisely so that we then could ‘lash out’ and ‘blame’ some god or authorities, later known as ‘elites/politicians’ and ‘controllers of the world system’ as the reason why ‘all is wrong in this world.’ It’s so obvious that all that we’ve done with our lies/beliefs and experiences is nothing else but masking ourselves further from seeing directly, seeing here, what is here as our creation, our reality, our reflection – no ‘other’ but ourselves here.

And this doesn’t only relate to ‘the world’ out there, but inside of ourselves. As I was saying, there is this interview that explains to what extent we can hide ourselves from even being open to ourselves! We hide and we don’t even want to admit what we are seeing and experiencing in our own minds – which means no one else can! – and I can say yes, it’s really shameful and nasty and not ‘nice’ at all to open to oneself these aspects of our true-nature, of our true-human nature. Yet at the same time, this is exactly where we have to be at and go to if we want to Actually start taking significant steps in this process of self-realization/knowing ourselves and so having the keys to this change we sometimes see sooo difficult to create. The interview I’m talking about is The Consequence of Suppression – Quantum Systemization – Part 143 because, funnily enough, I hadn’t really connected the word ‘suppression’ to evasion or wanting to get away from something, but only as a ‘hiding’, but here now seeing how we hide when we don’t want to get to see ourselves face to face with what is really going on within ourselves, that we usually project onto others as some form of experience, again to avoid/evade seeing ourselves directly as the creators of that experience within. And so that’s why we tend to usually ‘lash out’ at others, or the world – whichever becomes our pick of the day: politicians, parents, gods, your partner, your children, ‘the system’, the money makers… the list goes on as far and wide as our desire to hide and blame and excuse ourselves goes.

It’s astounding the level of separation we have created where we virtually wage wars against anything and blame anything or anyone for our ‘enslavement’ or ‘controlling us’ not even realizing the kind of deliberate dementia we have become to precisely ‘forget’ all about who we are, what we’ve become and in doing so, we still keep ourselves busy trying to ‘find ways’ to apparently ‘be free’ from ‘the oppressors’ and ‘the laws in this system’, and ‘the money system’… we are truly only fooling ourselves! We have created it all, because we are in fact ‘one and equal’ – so who are we fooling when trying to ‘stand up to the system’ really? Are we standing up to ourselves then as the phantom enemies that we’ve created to perpetuate division and separation?  

Maybe some unfamiliar to this might say ‘Nooo! Can’t be! I’ve always been a Good person!’ well, that is just not so, who we are and have become is visible in every inch of this reality and in the kind of experiences and thoughts we hold within our minds, even more so when they are seemingly dedicated to ‘do good’ but hold a desire to trump others, to take revenge, to show and prove to others wrong, to ‘beat the rest’ and achieve one’s success over something or someone…. All of it again nicely masked and disguised for the sake of keeping oneself in a pedestal of glory and nobility. It just doesn’t exist as a genuine aspect of ourselves, the only way to make it real is by getting to first stand and embrace the deep bottom of what motivates us to be and do what one does.

Hence the point here on the word Deliberate. It’s a fully considerate, conscious and intentional doing that in the context of this process is accompanied with the integration of the living principles which can be resumed to doing/living/speaking/acting/thinking what is best for all – not about wanting to be good or avoiding being bad – or who knows just wanting to ‘be bad’ either – but about creating a starting point to everything that we do in a way that we KNOW is best for oneself and so best for others.

We can only fool ourselves to think we don’t know this if we actually don’t want to let go of an aspect of our egos/personalities and multiple characters that benefit who we are as our minds. It’s very easy to debunk or find out ‘what is it that isn’t allowing me to see? What is it that I am resisting to let go?’ simply asking ourselves what do I don’t want to see of myself that I actually don’t want to realize as my creation, that I don’t want to take responsibility and do the work to change real time for, that I am actually ashamed of, lazy to change, want to take the ‘shortcut’ to do, want to do the least effort to bring through a supportive change… what do I want to hold on to as a comfort zone in myself, in my mind experiences and in my life? And just by asking these questions, things will pop up in our minds that we have to then Deliberately – as in fully considering, consciously and intentionally – open them up to for once and for all get to see how we essentially have been throwing tantrums all along, deliberately using the shield of ‘fears’ to not actually do the deliberate self-investigation, self-introspection that comes in the way of writing or even having supportive engagements with other individuals to get to know ourselves in an actual deep and open way, based on being willing to acknowledge that first and essential, primordial nature of who we are which is that of what has been of negative nature, of destructive consequences in our bodies, in our lives, in this world.

We all know what those are, because we can see the results and even kids can tell us what makes sense to do and what not to do… so why do we fool ourselves, be-living-a-lie believing that we don’t know any better, that we are too fearful, too scared, too weak to do anything about it.

There is a phrase that has come through in this process with Desteni throughout the years and I frankly only ear-marked it for some time, not really knowing what it meant. But more so than before I consider I am giving it a definition here that is supportive for myself. That saying of ‘walking through the eye of the needle’ and how I see that it precisely involves this Deliberate – consciously, considerate and intentional – doing of living decisions that are supportive, doing the necessary work/actions as changes that we need to start, continue and improve in walking this process of self-change every single day, every moment we are alive, because there’s always, always room for improvement. This IS where we decide: do I fool myself pretending I don’t know, that I need to blame others, that I cannot forgive something/someone (which is OURSELVES anyways), that we are too weak or powerless to change, that we don’t know how, that we are too overwhelmed in our minds… It takes a deliberate decision (see the following audio for more understanding on ‘Living a Decision’: Living the Word Decision – Reptilians – Part 311) to create change in one single moment. And this is what I’d like to see as ‘the eye of the needle’ here where it seemingly is the most difficult thing to do, yet it is that opening there which is just about the right size of a constant breath, a constant standing up, a constant facing of potential challenges that will enable us to continually define where are we standing on? Who do we decide to be: of life as self-creation, self-responsibility and deliberately doing what is best for all/best for self – or of the worst of ourselves as our minds, our patterns of all kinds of excuses, justifications and victimizations with which we have managed to avoid seeing back at us as the origin and source –which means the creators – of this all: We are IT.

Now this is all theory, it’s me really ranting about things that I have been realizing and seeing more direct than ever with the assistance and support of the material at Eqafe.com and having many points ‘click’ within me to see how supportive it has been in my case throughout my process to decide Not to deceive myself, not to fool myself and when I have done so, man, do I walk the consequences for sure and only I know where I have not stood, where I have stood and what is yet to be created as myself, my potential. And this is exactly where we have to let go of when fearing to be in this seemingly ‘uncomfortable spot’ because we have yet to create ourselves, yet at the same time it’s kind of silly because here we have on a golden platter the actual keys to freedom and liberation, yet we time and time again keep ‘choosing’ to ‘diss-the-track’ as in distracting ourselves and going back to what we’ve always been before, or seeking ‘more information’ … our minds, our patterns, our usual ways to keep seeing ourselves as little kids that are in ‘perpetual seeking’ yet not daring to turn one’s face back at oneself, apparently having no say in this world.

Come on, we need to ‘human-up’ here and start transcending our adolescence really, where we like to play adults and gods and ‘grown ups’ for certain things that usually have led us to our ruin, and play ‘the kids’ that don’t know any better for everything else that entails a real doing, a real acknowledgement of self-responsibility and so a genuine dedication of self-change, of real discipline to deliberate walk through all of those seemingly ‘difficult’ points, that are only seemingly ‘difficult’ because we don’t go feeding our usual ways in the mind, and we actually go through a withdrawal process, a withdrawal symptom because of how addicted we have become to, yes, self-destruction, inferiority, victimization, keeping a blind-eye to self-responsibility even if disguised in a ‘standing up’ manner when it comes to doing so ‘against’ something or someone…. Yes, we only can fool ourselves to continue making it as tough and as difficult as we decide it to be: no one decides that but ourselves.

An example is how we like to think that there is this government that is ‘spying’ on us and everyone is fearing the NSA and GHCQ and we have people like Snowden saying ‘oh oh fear fear! You are being spied, all of you, everywhere!!’ lol, really, we are only fooling ourselves from what we already by now should know: nothing that we do ever ‘goes up in smoke’, nothing. Not a single thought, not a single move, not a single ‘not-doing’ goes unaccounted for. And this is not any mystical mystery here, this is about laws of physics and the fact that we live in a physical reality that layers/keeps track of or ‘records’ every single one of our movements based on the sheer fact of us existing in this physical reality. And all of that is what we will eventually entirely have to review from beginning to end as our walk of self-responsibility for who we are and have become, either doing it here ‘in this world’ or in the afterlife as our Life Review of which you can hear hundreds of them by clicking on the link there.

So, we really can’t hide from ourselves and that’s what I got from the interview I mentioned above The Consequence of Suppression – Quantum Systemization – Part 143 because I really resonated with how things are explained there, because I see how I personally enjoy and like these rather ‘in your face’ wake up calls, that’s what  has been the most supportive for me in my process thus far – being very direct, stark, in your face, going directly to what one would fear looking at and acknowledging just because of fear, using ‘fear’ as an excuse really, as our own convenient ‘smoke’ to not see straight to the point and acknowledge: fuck, what am I really not wanting to do for myself to change? What am I being lazy about to change this? Where am I not placing my focus and attention to correct this which I know is having a negative impact on myself and so others around me? Why and How am I running away from myself? Because to me what has been of ultimate support is seeing how people in the afterlife walk through their entire life, revising every detail of it and getting to the core of the points to change, testing them in ‘real time’ as they go doing this, to acknowledge precisely their ability to stand, to change, to take self-responsibility, because hell, if we are to acknowledge –finally – our creation of this all, can we continue being (b)lame creators? Nope, we’ve been there, are there and have done that… doesn’t work.

We like hearing things like ‘becoming life’ and associate it with this nice fluffy thing, it is really not at all to be made into this spiritual joke, this is a serious process, the most challenging thing in our lives – not difficult though, because it’s really about Living Decisions, it involves our change in our consciousness, in our awareness, in our actions and inactions. It is not, thus, ‘difficult’ but challenging, and this is a never ending challenge where we decide who we want to be in every moment, every single day.

I don’t focus myself on this notion of ‘becoming life’ or ‘finishing process’ or whatever else… that creates yet a ‘something out there in the future to obtain’ which is how we’ve created the heavens, the gods and the rest of fluffy fallacies. This is about a Deliberate – conscious, intentional and considerate – moment by moment decision in thought, word and deed of how we are ‘spending’ our time here on Earth, what we give our focus and attention on, what we decide to live, what we decide to do and not do.

But please, if there’s a last thing I ask to myself and everyone else as a human being here as myself, is that we need to truly grow up now, to stop fooling ourselves, deceiving ourselves, to realize that we are the ones that give ‘power’ to our memories, that we create our fears, that we create our fuckups – no one else, no ‘god’ or ‘preprogramming’ or ‘challenging minds’ or ‘difficult past lives’ – no-thing of that is real, but covert ways to complicate our ability to see direct into what needs to be done. It is a deliberate – conscious, considerate and intentional – action to let go of our limitations as well, in every moment, and so focus on physicality, the doing, the direction, the ‘reminding’ ourselves of principles, of our responsibility – to not victimize ourselves, to not blame, to not see ourselves as ‘disempowered’ – but to acknowledge ‘we are it’ in every moment, we make it or break it. Up to us, no one else –  a very individual process yet a very collective one and the same one for us all.

There are tons – literally – of interviews of support for virtually just about any main aspect that you will face of your mind in this process at Eqafe.com and in all platforms listed below this blog. No one else can do this for you, you have to do the work, you have to deliberately decide to walk through ‘the eye of the needle.’

 Let’s do it.

 

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449. How to Face Consequence: Defrosting Nightmare

I’ll share a moment where I have been able to change my ‘usual reactions’ into a supportive outcome.

I own a fridge that still creates walls of ice in the freezer. For over a month, we had not eaten stuff that was in there and I kept procrastinating the process of getting to defrost because of how I knew that it would have to be entirely empty to fully defrost several centimeters of this thick crust of ice. What happens here is that this freezer is a perfect example of how we operate in our minds when we just allow the ‘layers of ice’ in this case to pile up, and we don’t do ‘clean ups’ regularly instead – say once a week for this freezer – but we let it all just ‘pack up’ until it becomes this really tough thing to handle when finally deciding to ‘do the tough job’ of getting all that ice out.

So throughout the week we cooked the stuff to be eaten and empty the freezer, then it was the time to actually get it to defrost mode. Took over one day for it to fully defrost. But halfway the process, there were moments where a huge chunk of ice could not be taken out, it was just stuck, there was accumulated water and the tray that holds it was stuck with this big chunk of ice. I understood that if I let that piece there, once the fridge comes ‘on’ again, it would only recreate the same problem, it would be frozen and would not be let loose. So, there were moments where I was having my hands frozen, having to be ‘sponging’ the water out (because of the tray being stuck) and trying to get the ice stuff out. I almost wanted to give up, thinking there is no way I’m going to get this stuff out. But, I knew that it’s just not common sensical to ‘leave it for later’ because this is a matter of ‘now or never’ – so, kept pushing, moving around the tray, doing some forceful movements until finally the big chunk of ice came loose and we were able to finally take the water tray out.

Here, ‘the usual old me’ would have gotten pissed, would have tried to blame ‘the fridge’ for being so old that it still forms ice, would have blamed ‘my partner’ for not telling me to do this earlier or for not eating stuff earlier or ‘reminding me’ of doing the defrost… but nope, I didn’t do any of these things, I entirely assumed my responsibility related to this, and so breathed through my own desperation at times of wanting to say ‘fuck it, I give up’  – I refrained myself from doing this, deliberately, and instead kept pushing, deliberately breathing, deliberately knowing that what I was facing was nothing else but ‘piled up consequence’ of all the weeks I left this to come to this outcome, now I had to ‘pull up my non existent pants’ and take care of this, or it would simply cause havoc/consequence and possibly damage the thing.

So, I’ve been working with the word ‘embracing’ in these moments, an acceptance where we come to realize what we’ve ‘compounded’ in any either ‘physical outcome’ – such as the fridge situation – or internally where we get to a point of feeling entirely stuck, piled up with tons of ‘frozen stuff’ that we think it’s absolutely hard to remove, hard to self-forgive, impossible to take out – but what it takes is diligence, is not giving up, is walking the process with its necessary time – bit by bit – to get the stuff out and not ‘lose it’ half way, because in this freezer example I knew I could only pile up more consequence if I didn’t do it, and frankly yes I am fed up with me causing this same consequence over the years (been having the same fridge for 10 years now!) So I asked myself, hmm why haven’t I actually created an effective routine of defrosting more regularly? Why have I allowed myself to just ‘let it go by’ expecting it to ‘do it on its own’ and instead have mostly always waited until it is too difficult, too thick to just ‘turn off’ the fridge for a couple of hours and instead, it becomes this 24 + hours of keeping an eye on this or else, everything in the fridge would get warm and flooded with water….

This very much became a perfect example of how we operate in our minds unfortunately, where I from now on will consider how much of a consequence is created if there’s no regular ‘self-check’ through writings, through introspection, through focusing on what I need to take care of within myself and so without, because we are experts in procrastination and leaving things ‘up to the last moment’ where the consequence is huge and becomes really tough to handle, yet at the same time, if we are already there at that ‘stage’ of consequence, really there’s no other way but ‘take the bull by the horns’ and stand up, woman-up/man-up to our creation and take it bit by bit, yet taking this process as a cautionary tale to learn from, not to do as I’ve done with this fridge where time and time again I seemingly ‘forget’ the past SAME scenarios I’ve caused because of my lack of diligence in taking care of something that just keeps ‘piling up’ as the snow in the fridge. Same goes for my mind, our minds, no need to get to these piles of emotions over time, reactions, or even worse! React and throw a tantrum while we are taking care of our consequence, because I’ve done that actually every time I have had to run this same ‘defrost operation’ in the past. And this is what I became aware of yesterday, how I usually would start picking on the ice to get it out but it’s not only a physical movement, it comes with some anger, frustration, a blame of sorts to the poor ice that forms by itself and by default as per ‘freezer function’ lol – and there I would usually be the angry monkey that gets angry at her own consequences…. Really? Do I need to rehash the same consequence every single time?No, I could now laugh at replaying for myself this same scenario, really lol – and it’s no different to how we KNOW what consequences we create with certain experience inside us, how we don’t deal with things or understand things any better with ‘emotions’ yet we still bring it up! It’s like law of stupidity really and this is nothing else but what I declare as the last time I allow this to happen within and without me.

So yesterday was the time that I deliberately said, fuck no, here I am not focusing on these seemingly ‘justifiable moments’ of desperation, anger and just wanting to give up and instead keep moving, keep breathing, not blaming anything but entirely embracing the situation as My Creation.

Lol it was even funny how I knew that ‘it would eventually come off’ this large chunk of ice, and I knew that the more I ‘fought it’ the worse it would be, and yes…. That’s how it went. I left it for a moment, to warm up my hands and then gave it a second try, some more brusque movements and it came off. I just had to ‘cool down’ in my intent (figuratively, because I was actually very cold in that moment lol) and then give it a second go.

Well, the whole process yes took some 24 hours but at last now the fridge is free from thick layers of ice and I was able to change a very long pattern of me usually ending up angry and frustrated after this ‘clean up the compound freezer mess’ project that emerges periodically, because I haven’t yet made a clear decision to schedule a regular defrost of it and so prevent consequence.

So, lesson learned and the words to live by: consistency and diligence in both taking care of the consequence as one goes through the ‘piles’ that we’ve accumulated, while at the same time realizing that I can prevent these consequences by regular ‘defrost’ that is shorter in time and of course much simpler to take care of.  Patience with myself when finally deciding to ‘deal with the consequence’ and taking care of the situation, to not go into ‘hissy fits’ when seeing my own creation at the door of my fridge lol. Perseverance: not giving up on the project and believing that it’s ok to leave things ‘half way done’ – nope, keep breathing, keep ‘pushing’ until it is done. Embracing and acceptance of what I have created, Understanding how I came to procrastinate a clean up and so voilá! Here I create my own master piece of ice to deal with.

The next point will be to effectively remember to defrost it, and not use the stuff inside as an excuse to not do so, because practically speaking, it would not make much of a difference to have 3 hours of no ‘freezing mode’ for the food inside, as opposed to having to eat everything and leaving the whole thing to defrost for 24 hours… This is where Prevention as a living word comes: doing  the defrost regularly, and prevent the fuckup.

I commit myself to do the same with my mind, as points emerge, to not even allow them to ‘pile up’ but In the Moment, change, decide to breathe, decide to Prevent consequence – and if it is ‘too late’ and I’ve created consequence, to stand up to my creation, to deal with it in a directive manner which means, not throwing fits, not ‘thinking what I should have and should have not done’ or attempting to throw blames at the thing or others…. But entirely embrace the situation as my creation and deal with it the best and most effective way.

This might be a seemingly ‘uninteresting’ point but, it actually reflects a lot as to how I can be very diligent in many things, but there are ‘simple things’ that I have left just ‘slip out of my awareness’ and cause this mess every month or two months – or more, it has happened! – so, for once and for all to integrate all of these points within myself, to learn also from a better way to deal with consequence, but even better: to learn how to prevent it, within and without of myself.

Regular defrosting sessions with myself mean: writing, speaking self forgiveness in the moment as I know and experience that I am diving into a reaction, and do regular writings from my day to day to see what have I changed, what can I learn from the day, where did I see I was challenged in my stability and so establishing ways to continue assisting myself to improve, to stand up to things in a more apt manner.

Emotions, just like the stuck piles of frozen eyes in my freezer, are nothing else but these seemingly unnoticeable consequences that we create day by day, moment by moment in our lives and if we don’t do regular ‘defrosts’, man, it piles up to the point of ‘exploding’ – or in my freezer case, become icebergs – around a point and then sometimes we believe it’s too hard or difficult to face our creation, our experience, our consequences… but, it really is nothing else but our creation, so we need to stand up to it and be HERE in every moment, which means deciding to apply that moment to moment change, it is a decision, a deliberate decision that won’t emerge naturally from within ourselves. This is what I see change means to me, and nothing/no one else can do this for me, I owe it to myself. It’s a decision to live words instead of rehashing the same old ‘throwing a tantrum me’

Thanks for reading.

 

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427. Walking through the Fear of Making a Decision

 

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OBSERVE yourself in that moment ob-SERVE, serve yourself with some awareness through observation, in the moment MOVE yourself to ask “why am I allowing the mind to be more than me/a decision to change here?” and then do a forgiveness / breathing to stand and not accept/allow the thoughts/emotions to take over

 

There has been a couple of situations lately where I accepted fear as a limitation to move and direct myself here, I created a situation of secrecy based on the fear of being judged for the decisions I’ve made in my life. This is not a new situation, it is a pattern and it was interesting to see how I feared making a decision based on the past experiences upon similar decisions and the consequences it created, but in the end I didn’t realize that it was myself that had made those decisions and that the consequence was not really an outflow imposed by others, but actually created by myself and the nature of my decision.

In this I can share that when making decisions in our lives, it is important to not allow our own projected judgment to take over about what ‘others’ will think/say/conclude about one’s decision, it should not matter. This is about oneself being fully aware of and willing to stand in self-responsibility upon making a decision in one’s life, to equate all possible outcomes and have the ability to face the outflows of it, not only in terms of willing oneself to take responsibility for it, but in practical physical reality terms which includes physical bodies, money, world-system considerations, the minds and experiences of the people involved in such decision and whoever else in the environment will be affected by it. Many times we make decisions based on fears and desires and that is not the best way to approach a decision.

 

A decision is then the end result of having assessed all the possible outflows of a situation, considering who and what will be affected by such decision, to ensure that it is not driven by an emotion or a feeling, but by a set of principles that one is willing to stand by and apply at all times from the moment of making a decision to take a certain step in one’s life and on. Many times we first make a decision based on a ‘hunch’ or on a desire or fear – which is the same anyways, driven by an energetic experience – and only later, after the decision is settled,  do we assess what is actually doable and possible in physical reality and what kind of things we actually need to make such decision a reality – this is how we mostly trap ourselves in our decisions, by not considering all the outflows of it and ensuring one is willing to walk through them and ensuring that no matter what, one has the ability to stand up and remain directive.

 

So, I went through a process of keeping a significant decision in my life secret. Why? Well because I projected ideas, beliefs and fears about what others would think of such decision in my life based on past experiences. Where did this lead me to? It led me to then have to walk through my self-created ‘fear’ of having to for once and for all ‘reveal’ or ‘expose’ such decision to the people I had created a ‘fear’ of exposing it to, and the outcome was that it wasn’t as anything that I had created/expected in my mind. I realized in that moment what a big deal I had made and how in fearing ‘what others would say’ about it, I was in fact getting distracted from what actually matters: it is not about ‘others,’ it is never about what ‘others’ would think or say, this is of course about my life and the lives of those involved in this decision. I once again saw how ‘easy’ it is to in the mind get distracted with these seemingly ‘torturing’ experiences of keeping secrets and deciding to not have anyone else to reference a decision with; in a way it is a risk to decide on certain things and not reference them with anyone else, I decided to do that and realized that what I required was me willing to stand by it and learn from it whatever it may bring.  

In this, I would recommend to not fall into the ‘blowing things out of proportion’ that the mind is keen on creating about the result and outflow of confronting such decisions or even sharing about such decisions, and rather taking a breath and walk through the resistance to share something, to face that ‘fear of being judged’ and realize that a judgment does not really do ‘anything’ to us, because whichever point we are fearing to hear about others, we should have first worked with and assessed within ourselves first. Like, for example, seeing: what am I actually fearing to hear from others as feedback upon my decision? And in that rather exploring such ‘fears’ I have and understand them as an outflow of my own doubts, of my own judgments, of my own uncertainties which I should then clarify for myself first, instead of projecting them as potential situations coming from others toward ‘me.’

In fact, one can only fear ‘what others would say’ if one has not yet fully grounded oneself in such decision and is 100% certain on it, and this is how one inkling of doubt taken on as a general doubt toward the decision can be blown out of proportion and made much more than what it practically should be: a process of walking the decision and taking on ‘the points’ that emerge with it and as a result of it moment by moment.

One thing that is always great to recognize is that whatever I bring to my life, is my responsibility and no one else’s, it is my own set of choices that I will have to stand up to and walk through, and in this is also cool to be aware of fearing taking certain risks, failing, making mistakes, bringing undesired consequences, but I have also realized that many times I have fallen for being over-analyzing everything and as such not really taking any risks, which many times leads to stagnation and general limitations based on – once again – rather avoiding undesired outcomes and consequences. But, we would not move as much in life if we constantly held up these fears as reasons to not do things, this is all about being able to measure ‘who am I’ in this decision? what is my starting point within it? what are the potential outflows by me taking this decision? Who am I affecting with my decisions? Have I considered what to do in potential situations that become challenging throughout walking that decision? And so walk the point in self-responsibility and at all times reminding myself that: I made this decision therefore, I assume all the responsibility and outflows that come from it.

In this then, making a seemingly ‘risky’ decision can become at the same time also a point for self-empowerment, where I can prove to myself what I am able to walk through or ‘confront’ myself and others in certain situation and if mistakes arise or ‘failures’ come up, I will only be able to go back to the drawing board and learn from it, seeing what I didn’t take into consideration  based on reality and so seeing where my decision was clouded by a certain desire or fear or any other illusion that was not grounded in physical reality.

It is also then cool to strip our decisions from any fears, doubts and projected expectations about it all, as these are all mind elements that are not necessary to be considered when actually walking a decision and making it work.

Change in our lives is something we are programmed to fear the most and resist the most, we don’t like our ‘little bubbles’ of idleness and status quo to be challenged and changed, and if we look at where this has led us in the world system, it is to stagnation in devolution: only getting worse because we’ve feared to stand up and make serious decisions that involve and require absolute self-responsibility and willingness to walk through the choices we make, even if they mean going ‘the wrong way,’ we can only learn as we fall and create another way to stand up again.  This life is our educational ground and whichever decision we make in our lives, it is best to prepare oneself to fully face it and acknowledge the outflows of it, ensuring one is clear from any mind experience around it and so be able to stand through it not only ‘for the moment’ but as a general process of decision-making steps that lead to a particular outcome generally defined as a new experience in one’s life, a new situation, another ‘phase’ which we usually would not lead ourselves into.  

So it really only takes one moment to make a decision to walk through the seemingly overwhelming and nerve-wracking fear that seems to be overpowering oneself and just do it. , It was funny the day after I faced this point I was laughing at myself after I ‘faced my fear’ and was asking to myself ‘wtf was that?’ because it was such a ‘throwback experience’ to the who I was in the past in similar situations. Fortunately I was able to be supported back at the same time and so this assisted me in realizing what a mindfuck that was so, it is a point I share here to understand that the mind’s job is to blow things out of proportion, at all times: it feeds off from conflict.  We can only be grateful to fall flat back on the ground and realize what a big deal one makes out of something.

In any case, we can always remind ourselves that whichever judgment or experience another creates about one’s decision, such judgment or experience is about themselves and their own mind/judgments only, which is a basic aspect to consider as well. In this then one should then consider at the meaningful feedback that can be obtained not as a ‘judgment’ but as feedback that one can use to take into consideration, to assess within ourselves if it is in fact supportive and necessary to reflect back upon it.

So instead of fearing others’ judgment about our decisions, it is to rather ask oneself what is this fear of mine reflecting back to me about the decision I’ve made? What am I not entirely clear about? What am I fearing about my decision? Then it is not about ‘others’ and what they might say or think about ‘myself’ and ‘my decision,’ but about oneself only, it is entirely our responsibility to face our lives, our decisions, our ‘choices’ and this way, it will be much easier to share one’s decision, once that one has walked through self-forgiving the multiple scenarios and ideas and ‘what ifs’ and rather ‘arm’ oneself with necessary principles to face one’s decision, assess physical reality and so stand by what one decides upon in self-responsibility, realizing that the decision is not a ‘once off’ situation, but rather a continuous living of such decision which in all cases we can always learn more about ourselves, others and living in general.

 

Thanks for reading

 

Fear based Decisions - Living Choices


426. Giving up vs. Letting Go

  

There was an interesting interview I listened about being able to let go of someone that is not willing to support themselves. Throughout my past, I have had a pattern of wanting to save people which then throughout this process became a necessity to want to show others their potential, to focus on the ‘good points’ they have and so how they could be used as a foundation for them to stand up for themselves. I can see myself in every person that considers they are not good enough to do something, because that was my life before. 

However, I have also realized there must be a line drawn when one stands as another cane to stand up at all times, or when someone does not even have the clear intention to stand up. then it becomes draining, then it becomes like having to take care of a chronically depressed person that has no decision to support themselves to transcend their self created experience, it becomes a way to accept abuse in one’s life as well;  It in fact becomes detrimental to another if one persists in supporting another while it is clear that after all suggestions made, all ideas for solutions, sharing of one’s own experience and many other resources for self-support and no clear indication of self-support is given, it becomes a futile process, a waste of time and just supporting another’s self-irresponsibility by treating another as if they had no way to actually assist themselves, which is a lie when we are talking about something that is entirely self-created like a constant depression or any other mind-related experience. 

I have a tendency to want others to acknowledge their self value by pointing out what I see is supportive/valuable about themselves, which is then a process of uplifting another through opinions, through my perception which in the end will enslave another to ‘my support’ because they won’t pick themselves up if I am not there. I’ve defined this as the ‘nurse’ construct, taking care of those that have derailed themselves in their lives, even at some point surrounding myself of friends that would all present similar characteristics and it is by no coincidence, in away I would find my own acceptance through being useful/valuable to others by supporting them or rather, fully standing there as their ‘cane’ which becomes an enslaving position for both sides. 

I have criticized this stance in others, yet I hadn’t wanted to admit I have done and still do the same, and if we did this about every other person in the world, we would only add more problems into our life other than assisting those that are already willing and clearly showing their intent to assist themselves.  Many times we want to save a particular relationship with the person, which means there is a point of self interest in doing so, because we like them, because they are ‘meaningful’ or ‘special’ to us in some way, but this has to be questioned, and in self honesty one cannot take such a stance toward another as it only recreates personalities, patterns of seeing others as ‘not able to do it themselves.’ Sure I agree that many of us have required such push and support for some time, but there is also a definitive difference when a person is clearly showing their intent standing by principle of assisting and supporting themselves and ‘falling’ in the process, then one can ensure one is there to momentarily step in and assist that individual – yet when it becomes the foundation for an entire relationship, and there is no clear indication of self support, I have realized that the best point of support one can provide is to let go. 

The point I have been looking at is when does one give up on someone and when is it a letting go?  I am seeing that giving up is what I have definitely experienced with regards to dealing with others and when I am the one that goes into a reaction about another’s situation/experience, when I am the one that is considering another as ‘the problem’ which is a clear indication that there was no actual self.responsibility acknowledged in this from my own side: taking responsibility for my reactions of impatience or anger or frustration or any other emotion that would ensue after I judge another’s life/process and so decide to ‘give up’ on it.  So in walking through this giving up on someone and so ensuring that I am not the one reacting to another’s words/attitudes , one can then start seeing the reality of the situation for what it is: no longer filtered by my own ‘struggle’ toward another’s experience/life, not clouded by a filter of likeness or preference or even empathic mirroring wherein I see the other as myself and so assist ‘me’ through them, no longer holding on to a past that was shared or some ‘good times’ spent with the same person – these were all filters and obstacles to see directly, to see where the person stands within their life on a day to day basis, how they react to support/assistance/suggestions for solutions and what they do with it. 

  In this, one is no longer affected by the person using or not using the support given, one gives it unconditionally, however it does get to a point wherein if there is no indication of standing up at all, it becomes a parasitical relationship, where one becomes the constantly needed ‘cane’ for another to stand up, to get some motivation or to get glimpses of ‘what could be’ if they start doing this for themselves, if they instead become their own self support after a significant amount of time that they have seen how supportive it has been to get this momentarily from another. However if one only sees the opposite happening, meaning the person becoming more and more dependent on it, or constantly requiring that support to stand up, then we have created an addict that will need one to ‘stand up’ and one cannot be the drug, one cannot be the doctor or nurse, there is a line to be drawn in order to also assist another to see how they have been shared/given all that was possible throughout a particular timeframe, how doing more would only make another dependent on one’s support and so never really give another the opportunity to stand up for themselves. 

This is how in an attempt to ‘assist’ another, one can become the constant perceived necessary cane to walk, when the bruise or injury is already healed and they are ready to walk again, we support the insecurity or muscle atrophy if we make another believe that they ‘still need us.’ This actually causes further harm than good. So letting go is about realizing that one has done everything that was possible/feasible to assist another, which is just that, showing the way, living by principle, being the example oneself – instead of dragging someone ‘toward change’ which becomes a draining experience for both sides. 

In this I have realized I also have to let go of the ideas, expectations formed about ‘what their potential could be like’ because it becomes then a desire projected toward others, which is usually charged in a positive manner, where once that one realizes it is not coming to fruition or not ‘happening’ at all, then comes the downside, the ‘fall’ of all expectations and place the person as ‘letting us down’ when in fact, it is never about ‘them’ in fact, but about ourselves, our expectation, our dreams of how ‘well’ something could work if, IF the person actually stands up. So what happens in such disappointment, the opposite of love is created, it becomes an unpleasant situation that makes us sad, angry, frustrated or disappointed, but hey! who did this to us? no one else but ourselves. 

So letting go of this constant ‘trying’ and this ‘battle’ to attempt to make others change is a necessary step if one has to get back to a point of sanity about a situation that can become quite stressful and draining at the same time. If someone is not willing to support themselves and this pattern continues for an extended period of time, then why holding on to it? So identifying the desire to do it and the fear that accompanies this is supportive to see how there are also personal interests vested on the situation, it is not entirely altruist and that’s where one’s responsibility has to be acknowledged as well in perceiving one would ‘gain’ something by another supporting themselves or that one would lose something as well by the opposite. 

I can see how many times still our most common sensical acts would want to be held on as trophies in one’s own mind, when this is just the mind that still wants to get some ‘hot air’ by doing something or ‘achieving’ something, when it is only the ego that would want to have this for personal satisfaction or because of any other hidden agenda about this. This is not an acceptable behavior in self-support assistance, no it is not an oxymoron, it is a specific term that indicates one can be a point of reference, of assistance to another’s process of developing self-support, not about ‘becoming’ their support in itself, which is the self-enslavement process I have defined in this blog. 

Should one feel ‘bad’ because one has to let go of this? Not at all, there is nothing real to lose or win anyways, this is about rather sticking to one’s own process of self-support to continue being a living example of how to do it onself, where everything one does stands as a test of time and consistency, which not only that one person/people can take as a point of reference, but anyone else that may find themselves in a similar situation in their life as well. 

There is no better support than the one that is provided without making another dependent on it, and so the analogy of stopping being a ‘drug’ or a ‘make another feel better about themselves’ role is quite spot on to understand this pattern. We cannot inject life into another and have them suddenly see things the way we see them and change, one has to rather let the point go and so go back to oneself with the things learned in these attempts to ‘support’ still standing with a point of self-interest, whichever this may be. 

There is a spark in all of us, waiting to be awakened if it hasn’t already been so, and one can only temporarily show to another what exists within themselves as well, but one cannot become the fossil fuel to keep lighting up theirs. Letting go is realizing one’s own responsibility to stop any reaction we create about another’s life/process. 

This is not a giving up on someone as they still stand within themselves, this is a letting go of my need to make others see themselves the way I see them and rather focus on myself, while being willing to stand as such unconditional support for those that clearly show they are willing to assist and support themselves, which then is not a ‘drag’ at all as it becomes  a mutual point of referencing and support, that’s definitely what all relationships in this world should be about. 

  


424. The Importance of Resolve

 

Sometimes we embark ourselves in a decision to change something about ourselves, to stop a particular abusive pattern, to align an aspect of our behavior or to cut ties with particular relationships, however what tends to happen is that we’re not entirely successful with this endeavor if we are missing a key ingredient to make it work: resolution.

 

 

This came up as I was writing on a personal matter that has ‘haunted’ me in my dreams for a long time now in relation to a specific past relationship in my past,  and I have been throughout time applying self forgiveness on the various aspects that mostly come up in dreams and I have wondered: but why is this STILL coming up? Isn’t it sufficient to have walked on this point for over seven years whenever the same comes up? And so I was looking at the word that I was missing, a clue on what I wasn’t fully considering in this process applied to this particular past relationship and the word is Resolve – and as I was reading the definition of course it clicked: I require to have an unwavering, firm, absolute stand in relation to the actual closure of this point within me in my mind and the decision of who I decide to be toward this point in my reality.

What I realized is that I had probably written a lot about it and I understand the reasons why it comes up, but it’s funny that I made it a bit something ‘more than myself’ as if it was something ‘more powerful’ or ‘sticky’ in a way that made me still dream about the same point in various ways and perceive it as something that would take ‘forever’ to let go of  or give closure too, and even speculated on why this point is ‘so strong’ which is not recommended lol, well at least it brings up further points for self forgiveness on other ideas, beliefs, perceptions as the reasons we give ourselves to make the point ‘more than us.’ However, as I was reading the definition of resolution, it all clicked, the simplicity of the solution was in fact in the word resolution: I realized that I had in fact left some kind of ‘open back door’ in my mind wherein I could still in some unconscious way ‘leave a possibility open’ for me to still hold on/cherish these memories just for the ‘benefit of it’ due to the value that I had given to that relationship specifically when it comes to the starting point of such relationship and what I believe ‘it gave me’ which was related to in this case, a perception of getting ‘acceptance’ and ‘worth’ from another, which were words I hadn’t lived as myself then.

So, what am I really missing then here which is what I will now commit to live as myself around this point? Resolution, which is giving an actual closure, having the resolve means having the firm and unwavering  stand and decision to fully let go and fully stop participating in entertaining the memories around this point, which I have actually been working on these past months since I wrote the blog on: 416. Relationships: Not about the Taste, but the Nutrients – however I do recognize that specifically on this topic, there hasn’t been like an absolute, full resolution to stop all attempts of me in my mind going back again on the subject, which even shows up in dreams at times.  This will be then a process of being fully diligent with not entertaining the same point, not ‘feeding’ it even by associating places, things, colors to that same construct of that part of my past which I’ve defined as ‘haunting’ which of course is not that it is ‘haunting me’ but rather how I have entertained it/ fed it for far too long even if the actual relationship is no longer part of my life.

I have to stand in full resolve to do this, there is no ‘middle way’ here and in a way I’ve seen this as the ‘toughest’ point thus far because it seems to ‘still be there’ no matter how much I have written about it – but I do fully see that it will take absolute discipline to stop revamping memories and experiences for my ‘personal consumption’ in a literal manner.

 

 

resolve

  verb

1  settle or find a solution to. Medicine cause (a symptom or condition) to heal or disappear.

2  a firm decision. a formal expression of opinion or intention agreed on.

3  Music cause (a discord) to pass into a concord during the course of harmonic change.

4  (resolve something into) reduce a subject or statement by mental analysis into (separate elements or a more elementary form). chiefly Chemistry separate into constituent parts or components.

5  (of something seen at a distance) turn into a different form when seen more clearly. (of optical or photographic equipment) separate or distinguish between (closely adjacent objects). technical separately distinguish (peaks in a graph or spectrum).

6  Physics analyse (a force or velocity) into components acting in particular directions.

  noun

1  firm determination.

 

 

 

ORIGIN

          Middle English (in the senses ‘dissolve, disintegrate’ and ‘solve a problem’): from Latin resolvere, from re- (expressing intensive force) + solvere ‘loosen’.

 

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to apply ‘full resolve’ to some points in my life, but those toward which I had built a ‘sentimental attachment’ then believe that I can somehow ‘leave around’ in the back of my head as if they were really ‘a part of me,’ instead of realizing that it is in those points that I keep myself ‘locked’ into aspects of myself as ‘my past’ that have no space in my current reality other than in my mind – therefore, I see that the moment that I allow myself to go into one single moment of ‘acceptance and allowance’ and/or indulgence of memories, thoughts, experiences, links to that one point in my past as memories, I reactivate the whole construct once again. Thus,

I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to believe that this point was ‘more than myself’ because it had come up over and over again and even in dreams, not realizing that even if I was writing it all out, I recognize that I am not yet living this absolute resolve to change this one point specifically in ALL dimensions, including the obvious tendency to still ‘give into’ the memory in dreams.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not yet be fully diligent and stand in equal resolution to who I am when awake in my dreams, because I have defined in an unconscious way dreams to be the ‘last memory bastion’ wherein I could still have ‘my enjoyment’ about things, people, experiences that are no longer here in my reality – thus I realize that I have to fully let go of this false ‘enjoyment’ in dreams and realize that every moment that I indulge even in dreams around the same point, I make it part of my reality again.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to still ‘indulge’ into memories and experiences around this particular point in my life through dreams and even more so to want to keep sleeping whenever this point emerges in my dreams, instead of realizing that it is because I haven’t fully made  a decision to not participate in anything that has to do with this one point that the dreams occur as the obvious reflection of my suppression around it, of the denial of myself still wanting to ‘keep’ this point in my mind and believing that ‘I got it all under control’… but this is not really about ‘control’ but being willing to absolutely stop participating in memories, links, thoughts, experiences, dreams and any sort of nostalgia of the past around this particular point.

I realize that it is not that the point has ‘kept me locked’ but that I have been the one giving all of this energy and resistance to it throughout a long time and because I haven’t been absolutely living the resolution to stop it, it’s been a recurrent dream, a recurrent point in my mind-reality which of course has nothing to do with who I am here in physical reality any longer.

 

I commit myself to fully stop all thoughts, all memories, all experiences, all yearnings around this point. This is it and I’ll be the one knowing how effective I am in this stance and resolution on this point, as I realize that I am the only one that creates the haunting , not ‘the point’ itself.

 

 

So it’s interesting that in order to give resolution to something, to ‘solve it’ is to actually loosen it, to let go of it with a firm and unwavering decision to actually do so, to live that decision in every moment that I see I slack on the same point and allow myself to ‘wander’ around it again. I realize that resolution is what I require to apply within me as an absolute stance of who I decide to be if I am already now witnessing what happens when I don’t have an absolute resolve around stopping something within me. Thus, it’s a matter of absolutely just doing it, living it – but not allow just ‘bits’ here and there as that one single ‘bit’ of indulgence reactivates the whole construct once again, I make it part of myself, of my moment here which has nothing to do with myself and my reality any longer – it’s just memories that I have given fuel and importance to, that I have fed with energy to continue defining me according to ‘my past’ which doesn’t make any sense at all because this process is not about ‘fixing my past’ but changing who I am in relation to it.

 

So hereby I establish how in order to resolve something that I haven’t been ‘solving’ in an effective manner, is to check my resolution on stopping/changing or aligning myself in relation to that particular point I want to change/stop and align in my life. So simple, yet as it is said: the devil is in the details.

 

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Watch:

Desteni Movie Night – Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

Read:

Day 56: Letting Go of an Old Flame

 

The Free Desteni I Process Lite course is a first platform of self-support to learn more about ourselves, our mind and understand how we can practically improve our potentials and skills.


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