Category Archives: Deconstruction of Self

546. Exploring Humbleness

Or sharing the different ways in which I lived the opposite of humbleness, an initial attempt of being humble and the current application of this word in my process

 

§  Continuing from: 530. The Secret Behind Attraction

When looking at the word humbleness what first comes up is how I’ve been integrating this word as a key element in my process in relation to considering others and being able to relate to others from a humble approach.

 

What do I mean by this? I have had the tendency since I was a little girl to be ‘ahead’ of the class most of the time. I’ll be the one in the class that would always finish whatever we had to do much earlier than the rest and had to wait for everyone else to finish or catch up with something. I have been the person that would start learning a new language with a group of people and drop out after the first few lessons because ‘everyone else was going so slow, I got easily bored.’

 

I have generally existed within a very ingrained perception towards others that had a tinge of superiority that I would not see or define as ‘superiority’ itself, because I deemed that there was ‘something’ – like some kind of ‘special ability’ – in me that facilitated certain things in my life in relation to studies, processing of information or learning stuff, which surely are skills that can be useful – but I did allow me to think better of myself in that regard and create a distinction between ‘me’ towards the rest of the people.

 

I always assumed ‘I knew better than everyone else’ and I’m speaking of a perception that I had as early as my first day in a social environment with ‘fellow beings’ in kindergarten, where I remember all the kids cried when leaving their parents for the first time and I decided to not follow the trend and ‘stand strong’ and didn’t follow the crowd with the crying choir. From that moment on, I considered that I was superior/better, more ‘mature’ or ‘evolved’ than the rest of my peers – hell, sometimes I even thought I could see through the teachers or ‘knew better’ than them, lol – but, interestingly enough all of this even if I could not verbalize it as I am doing it now, led me to eventually create a point of isolation based on separation and a general sense of ‘specialness’ as self-definitions wherein I created my own bubble of ‘I’m an outsider, I’m better than everyone else,’ while at the same time not dealing with the actual issues I had in relation to being able to see past my judgments towards others as ‘inferior’ or ‘unknowledgeable’ and learn what it would mean to truly be humble towards others.

 

When noticing this, I tried to find ways to not stand ‘above’ the rest but ‘mingle more’ in the midst of it. Sure I’d get along with people, but there was still a very subtle yet ever present regard about myself as ‘knowing better’ than others – which I also consider is more common than we’d like to admit in a lot of people, it’s the typical mind programming where we believe we are the center of the universe instead of learning to consider others as equals to us as life itself.

 

The way that this lack of humbleness would come through in me over time is through an experience of exasperation, impatience, only considering ‘my understanding’ and not really being willing to ‘slow down’ or ‘walk with’ at the pace of others at all times. I did try and help them through for example assisting with studies and such, but other times depending on the people, I’d use this ‘superiority’ as a way to cope with experiences of the opposite polarity as inferiority that I didn’t get to question at first.

 

I got to a point during my teenage years and early adulthood wherein I perceived that most people were simply ‘different’ to me and were not really ‘worth my time’ to interact with, preferring to always get along with those that I deemed ‘equal’ to me in terms of personalities and intellectual capacities, in essence becoming an elitist of sorts while still presenting myself as the opposite of that many times, which is also an interesting feat. However in self-honesty one cannot continue deceiving oneself where we know we are putting a ‘show’ towards others, but haven’t really dealt with the source of our actual discomfort, annoyance, irritation, impatience or judgments towards others, which are all in my case a result of having lived in a very confined self-definition as ‘superior’, even if I would have most likely said ‘not at all’ to this latter assertion back when I was shaping myself as this personality in my early teens.

 

This perceived ‘knowing better’ experience led me to generate an ‘elevated’ separation towards my peers. I truly got to think or perceive that I was simply placed in the wrong planet, at the wrong time and that I simply didn’t deserve to have the life that I had, lol. So, one can get the idea of an ever-present layer in me as a personality that at the same time was co-existing with a deeply rooted sense of inferiority, a sense of worthlessness ‘beyond my intellectual capacities’ which I actually ended up creating as a definition onto myself that I blamed other people throughout my life for, in the sense of ‘them’ only ‘appreciating me’ or ‘regarding me’ as a piece of walking-intellect rather than actually getting to know me as the real being and person – but, the reality is that I was the one that was very quick to label and cage everyone else, being very quick to judge and assess who I would ‘want to get along with’ and who I would simply not treat as an absolute equal – even if being in good speaking terms with them.

 

It’s definitely interesting to realize how one is the discriminator when one believes that ‘others are not embracing me for being ‘sort of different’ while I made it a point to go ‘against the tide’ most of the times which implied by default that I would do things and behave in ways wherein I could come through as pedant, offensive at times towards certain kinds of people and transgressive if not attackative at times, which was my way of compensating for an actual sense of inadequacy experienced while growing up, where the only ‘forte’ I had was a certain set of intellectual skills or capacities that I could use with ease to get me through in ‘good positions’ in schools. But, I also got tired of this and wanted to be more than just a perceived ‘intelligent’ person that I believed no one was really caring to ‘get to know’ about, but in reality I was probably the one that would be quite reserved based towards others to begin with, wasn’t as ‘open’ or affable but mostly had a ‘protective shield’ which probably could scare some people away lol.

 

Many times I considered that others were discriminating me for ‘who I am,’ but I never dared to really look again and see how as much as I wanted to get along with everyone, this underlying judgment of superiority within me sustained at the same time by a sense of inferiority kept me limited and defined by my own acceptance and allowance of judgments and values placed on top of who I really am, which is life, which is equality.

 

Fast forwarding from those times to where I am now, I’ve definitely been able to deconstruct and understand why I created such personalities around people, why I would keep a sense of ‘intellectual superiority’ in order to compensate for a sense of inferiority and how all of this currently translates in my life wherein I work with people, I work in assisting others to walk this process from consciousness to self-awareness as life. And this has been – and still is – quite the perfect position for me to be at considering all of this background that I’ve just shared about wherein I had not admitted to myself that I was in fact throughout my whole life ‘setting myself apart’ through a sense of superiority and specialness, sustained by the opposite polarity that I perceived at the time as ‘the real me,’ the ‘human flawed me’ – which I used as a way to ‘equalize’ myself to people, believing that in order to get out of my ‘tough-headed’ personality as an ‘all-knowing’ person that became a tad arrogant with people, I would have to get along with troubled people, people I considered were suffering in ways that I had no context to in my personal life, and in my quest to understand and help them, I would create friendships and relationships with people that signified – at the time – my desire to be humble and consider others’ misfortunes – and in a way challenge my seemingly ‘perfect’ life where nothing seemed to ever be a real ‘drama’ or ‘go wrong’ in a real way.

 

This path of seeking to be ‘humble’ through diminishing myself in such relationships wasn’t the way either, because I deliberately fed my character weaknesses like the emotional self that would come through as experiences of depression, worthlessness, inferiority, invalidation – all of this I created and believed was ‘who I really was’ so that I could have something ‘in common’ with the people that I was interested in getting along with and understanding in terms of their troublesome self-experience and lives.

 

Well, I ended up realizing that it was not really about ‘them’ but about me and my desire to be apparently ‘normal’ by experiencing the troubles and flaws ‘with them,’ instead of having seen how I allowed myself to go into a superiority, a separation, a ‘thinking better of myself’ type of default experience towards others which then led me to go riding through the ups and downs believing that life wasn’t really about all the good and fortunate positions I had been in my life, and so I kind of had to become ‘flawed’ in order to get along with what I deemed ‘the real people’ and no longer be deemed as the ‘perfect’ one that ‘never makes a mistake’ and instead, I created a personality within me that I knew could get along with or attract the kind of people I was interested in understanding and getting to know, ‘troubled’ people that I believed I could help out yet deemed ‘cool’ for daring to not go through the ‘seeking happiness at all cost’ attitude, but stood ‘true’ to themselves in their emotional experience.

 

Of course all of this that I explain was the way I would reason it at the time, which is not at all how I would see things today.

 

I realize that the truth of ourselves is what we make ourselves and our lives to be, which is visible in everything we think, do and act upon. And that we are the only ones that can define what’s supportive, what’s acceptable and what’s not in our lives – it’s not about considering that those that suffer are ‘more real’ than those that are constantly on the winning side, or that I had to ‘step down’ of my perceived ‘perfection throne’ in order to ‘get more real’ with what I considered more ‘real people’ that had ‘real life problems’ unlike me.  That’s where I realized that people get along with and feel comfortable with whoever shows to have the same flaws or difficulties and at this stage, I cannot be entirely sure if I ever was then that kind of ‘troubled’ person in nature or if I made it all up for the sake of making myself more ‘normal’ or ‘humanly flawed’ in order to fit in with those I deemed as the ‘cool and real troubled people.’

 

Regardless of the order of that, it was self-created and I ended up becoming –or getting lost into- my character to such an extent that I stopped being able to differentiate the act from ‘the real me’ and ended up really getting ‘what I wanted’ from the specific people I wanted to be close to, whom I made myself to have something ‘in common’ with, like emotional experiences of inadequacy and depression, worthlessness or a lack of joy for living – which yes, led me to meet interesting people that I now see also allowed me to get to know about the diversity of ‘life’ as it exists in this world that I would have otherwise been oblivious too if I had not become this ‘tormented character’ that shaped my life for quite some time.

 

Now, all of that process of becoming a certain ‘flawed’ personality in order to be able to connect and also ‘assist’ others was a misconceived form of ‘humbleness’ that wasn’t real humbleness, I was trying to do the empathy game where I reduced myself to a level of experience in order to relate to others, instead of rather being able to understand others through first understanding myself.

 

Of course at the time I didn’t have the tools that I have now to be able to even word all of this out, and in a way it’s not like I could have done it any differently because that particular path led me to where I am now, eventually getting a bit too lost in this process of ‘seeking a truth’ separate from myself and getting lost in my own emotional characters that I’ve had to understand and debunk throughout these years, eventually all of it becoming actual habits and patterns that have taken time to stop and ‘rewire’ within myself, lol, I realize I did it all to myself and very consciously so.

 

But even if I was aware of what I was ‘reducing’ myself to in terms of my life and the personalities I became, my flawed sense of life-worth led me to stick to my perceptions at the time for a variety of reasons that were related to being able to stand out of the crowd, going against the tide and creating a form of specialness and separation through self-definitions that ended up becoming my very own cage.

 

Currently humbleness in my life/process is the ability to consider others’ lives, processes and awareness, it’s a word I constantly use to not forget the process that I’ve walked within Desteni in order to get to understand all of this in my life as my own creation and be able to step back from the programming and see it for what it is =a self-creation that we can decide to change and stand up from with actual work and living words in practice.

 

Doing this can become a second nature after some time, but in no way must it become yet another source of superiority and personal-accolade where even the act of supporting another could become another way to continue living out this subtle ‘superiority’ or ‘knowing better than others’ and feeding my ego about it, but this is precisely one of the key points in my process that I’ve been quite diligent and careful to not fall into – meaning, not falling within the perception that ‘I know better’ or placing myself in a superiority stance because I am aware of how that backfires in self-limitation – yet it can be a very subtle ‘constant’ in me if I don’t constantly also decide to remind me of living humbleness and equality instead.

 

This comes in very subtle ways that at times they might completely go unnoticed within me because of how Ingrained this perception has been throughout my life, and this is where I can remind myself that whenever I am seeing ‘ahead’ of another and start getting desperate, exasperated, frustrated and generally ‘bothered’ by the level of awareness that another person might have in an interaction with me, I have to embrace the word humbleness to truly ensure every time that I am in such position of providing assistance and support that I am not acting out of a sense of superiority, or that I am not placing myself on a ‘superior’ or ‘advanced’ position in relation to others, but instead remind me how this is a self-created perception wherein I cannot really ‘know’ ahead of anything other than what is evident in the moment, and so stop feeding any form of ‘being ahead of the game’ perceptions I may have at times.

 

There are layers of physical experiences that I see come through at times when being amongst people, wherein upon listening to them and getting to see ‘where they’re at’ in their life, I have immediately gone into the labeling or tagging of ‘who the person is’ according to the level of self-awareness I perceive/believe they can have – which is a source of separation and knowledge-based type of assumptions.

 

What I would definitely like to learn to live is real humbleness where I can truly be devoid of self-definitions or any form of ego-interest and stand completely clear and stable within me when interacting with others and simply be there as a point of support, a voice of experience based on my own process and ensure that no matter what, I always s remind myself of our equality, of eating my ‘humble pie’ whenever I see myself going into any shift in my mind that perceives anything or anyone else as more or less than who I am.

 

This is all easier said than done, but it truly has been a process of learning to deconstruct these ingrained yet subtle traits that I deemed as ‘normal’ in me, experiences that still might come through at times when talking or assisting people directly, which is where I have to direct myself to embrace the other person, to step out of the inferior/superior paradigm and learn to see another as an equal, to walk with and side by side, to remember my own process that has led me to be where and how I am today and that this is what the real meaning of humbleness is for me, it’s all about recognizing our equality yet our specific lives, positions, allocations, life contexts and potentials wherein I can stand in a position of assisting others that also want to assist themselves in the same process I’ve decided to live and apply in my own life.

 

More to open up….

 

Thanks for reading.

 

 

Self Diminishing Superiority

Join us in our process of Self-Expression as LIFE


544. Being Inadaptable as Self-Limitation

 

§  Continuing from: 530. The Secret Behind Attraction

 

When looking at this word I can self-honestly see that I have not yet lived ‘adaptability’ to the extent that I see I could. I may be living this word when it comes to getting along with people, but there is a particular aspect wherein I see I haven’t just yet learned to live this word. Upon looking at the word ‘adaptable’ what came up within me is that I still have allowed myself to be defined and conditioned according to the environment around me, specifically related to stepping out of my comfort zone in the polarity between ‘city life’ and ‘farm life’ or ‘rural’ environments.

In looking at the memories of where I’ve felt most inadaptable what first comes to mind is my ‘unbearable’ experience in relation to weather, where I’ve avoided extremely hot weather conditions and what emerges is this judgment towards heat and wanting to avoid heat itself, lol which I recently mentioned when chatting with some people about me going to a concert soon and they were suggesting things I could eat to have a good set up of food for the day, and I quickly responded that no, that’s not what I worry about but I truly worry about having to be an entire day under the sun… and there was no further comment on that lol where I then silently judged myself for possibly coming through as a picky-ghost that never goes out into the sun because of ‘disliking the heat.’

I’ve come to make decisions in my life based on wanting to avoid such heat and so making decisions and choices that can prevent me from having to be experiencing extreme heat.

I’ve sincerely seen myself as incapable of transcending such aversion to heat and it is a form of believing that I’m incapable of adapting to it and that it is one factor that can lead me to ‘give up’ on something because of being unable to bear the heat. This certainly is a self-sabotage pattern that previously I probably could have an option to ‘choose’ from in the sense of being capable of deciding to not live somewhere because I could be somewhere else where there’s less heat.  But currently I do see that if there is a realistic necessity or opportunity for me to relocate to a place where heat is extensive and the activity I would be doing in such place is what I truly want to do and where I see I can develop my potential and share it with others, I’d have no choice but to adapt myself to the heat and assist me in finding ways to best coexist with it, instead of making a decision to not go somewhere because of the heat itself.

Being in a position of elitism in this world is also part of how I’ve been challenged when it comes to adaptability – not that I am ‘rich’ but all of us having this kind of services and basic infrastructure in our houses makes us part of the few percentage in this world that lives well enough, and I had a ‘glimpse’ of what it was to truly not have these services at hand which created a great impact in my life.

In high school – in my Jesuit school – we were taken to a very impoverished community for only 4 days to live and do what the locals did for a living. They were the most challenging four days of my life because there was no toilet, we had to sleep on the floor, access to water was limited, we had to be working under the sun and generally this ‘pickiness’ emerged within me where I would simply remind myself that this was only temporary, that in no time I’d be back to my comfort zone – which also made it unfathomable to me how these people seemed quite content with their lives, were hardworking and could conform with not having all of the services that I’ve taken for granted and gotten so used to have immediate access to in my life. It did create an impact within me that led me to wake up and smell reality, which is part of why I then got so invested in finding solutions for this world. In essence, we should all get our ‘rural experience’ in school or in life in order to truly wake up from all the things we take for granted and that billions of people have zero access to.

In this ‘rural experience’ as it was called in school, I witnessed how others that I had perceived as more ‘picky’ than me had a much better way of adapting and being comfortable in such a basic environment, even getting to enjoy it – whereas I struggled a lot more to the point of feeling completely disempowered and having this ‘knot’ in my throat both from the sadness of seeing people live in such places to my personal interest of missing the comfort of my own home. There, I can say I also mostly failed at adapting to this environment, even it if was truly only for a moment.

When I lived at the Desteni Farm for one year, the heat aversion came up within me, as well as any other set of conditions that to me were ‘out of my comfort zone’ like having little access to going to the city, being surrounded with all kinds of animals all the time and how since I was a child I developed certain fears toward horses that I did get to face to a great extent there, but I know I ‘left off’ where I was barely getting to ground myself around them, so I still see and consider my ability to adapt to a complete farm environment as a challenge for my ability to adapt in such an environment.

I’ve also noticed that throughout my life I have been fortunately surrounded by people that I consider are very simplistic and adaptable to ‘any environment’ and so I learned from them as I shared such environments with them. Because if it was based on a family-influence, it is definitely not something I could learn firsthand from them because no one in my immediate family has been that ‘outdoors’ adventurer, even though my grandfather is definitely an ‘earth worker’ throughout his entire life, I am a victim of having the apparent ‘simple life’ in the city, separate from the rural life or country side type of lifestyle that I got to learn a lot from and appreciate in several ways when I had that one year experience in South Africa – though I still left with a sensation of experiencing myself as having to be constantly ‘coping’ with the weather and the environmental conditions, wherein I didn’t get to entirely adapt and truly embrace the environment, the weather and the routines in that place, even if I got to ‘do it all’ and push myself to work hard from day 2 of stepping there, I still could not ‘find my footing’ completely settled, and I do see that it has to do more with a set of reactions towards the weather, the lack of this ‘matrix security’ that a city gives you, and more so finding it a bit unsettling to live in such an area that was somewhat far out from the nearest town, feeling in a form of confinement at times – lol even if one steps out into an entire open space around – which proves this is entirely a mind-created perception and experience that I could see wasn’t ‘there’ in others, which led me to consider that it was only me that was having this kind of ‘issues’ with the environment, and yes I did keep it quiet and not really investigating it at the time, which is something I could have opened up to work on and transcend real time, so this is a cool feedback for me to not suppress things.

Within past situations of going to what I can define as ‘uncertain’ areas – which are trips or situations I can count with my fingers in one hand – I would notice others’ ability to adapt to the set up and be comfortable, start opening up with the locals, and be generally ok with themselves even if the setup of where we would be staying was ‘rustic’ or not having all the comfort or services I would expect. So, I’m grateful for learning from others and how they can have this capacity to make themselves comfortable no matter ‘where they are’ – again what I’m having in mind is more natural environments, rural environments, places out of any perceived ‘comfort zone’ that I’ve defined a city to be for me.

Therefore in my life, I do consider I need to challenge myself more in getting out of my comfort zone or ‘city bubble’, and as I write this, there’s this slight fear that emerges as in really wanting to say ‘nooo! I don’t really want to!’ but, that’s the way that I see I would be tested out in terms of being able to adapt living somewhere that is different from my ‘usual’ environment or context.

And this is definitely related to city and countryside type of situation because when I lived alone in Mexico City, I chose to be in a rather basic set up that I got quite adapted to even if it wasn’t a ‘great’ environment to be in, but somehow the notion of being in the city and being able to move around whenever I wanted and having the usual ‘city services’ gave me a point of comfort and security that of course one lacks when being outside of the city and dealing with the reality of life outside of the matrix bubble.

This is also some hard wiring programming in me since I was a child where I learned to fear animals, dislike ‘getting dirty’ in natural environments, having to ‘eat whatever is available’ instead of me being able to choose for myself what I want to eat and having to do work that I would prefer not doing related to specifically again, being under the sun for a long time, fearing not having water – which interestingly enough I went through for just one day in Mexico City and I could not believe how ‘hellish’ that was for me and how apprehensive I got about it as in being fearful about it even paranoid about it which I’ve shared about before in this blog, and it was barely a 24 hour situation…

All of that surely has led me to reflect on the impoverished situations that other people live in wherein there’s this comfort in my mind of thinking that ‘they have adapted to it, they’re used to it’ – but of course this is not common sensical to justify at all! It is something unacceptable that we allow billions to live in such situations and conditions – but unfortunately this is something that I cannot change alone, we all have to realize this and eventually gather to create solutions for the majority.

For now I have to first deal with my perceived inability to adapt to such environments or living conditions. And I find it interesting that this ‘adaptability’ is not related to ‘being unable to adapt to people’ – people are not the problem in my case, but my own reactions to an environment, a living setup, a set of weather conditions. And if I truly want to support myself, well I’d have to also take myself out of my comfort zone where the whole set up in which I live – even if it is very simplistic – it still has all the basic services and even nearby environment where I get everything that I require at any time.

And this is where the notion of having to ‘move’ somewhere else becomes like a slight sensation of fear in the ‘pit of my stomach’ which is all related to a fear of the unknown and a conditioning that has to do with all that I’ve described having experienced before – which wasn’t really ‘bad’ at all – but it all has to do with all the unresolved emotional issues I created towards these environments, which I will be opening up within self-forgiveness in the next blog, because I can clearly see right now how this is truly one of those challenging points for me where I feel quite ‘unsettled’ opening it up lol, which means it’s great that I actually can open it up for once and for all.

How I came up with this notion of looking at the word adaptable in relation to that person I created an ‘attraction’ towards was upon seeing the guy take long hikes completely alone in the mountains and grabbing just one backpack with some basic items needed to do it. I envied his capacity to be completely fine and enjoying himself with just a few items on his back and wander into un-charted territory like a forest or hiking up some mountains, because my thoughts immediately went in the direction of ‘what if there are wild animals, what if he gets stung by something poisonous, what if he runs out of water or food, where will he go to the toilet, how does he manage to sleep!??’ and so picturing myself fearing missing all of those things that I’ve defined as ‘my security’ and basic services/environmental infrastructure.

I see that the one of the reasons why it has been not yet possible for me to adapt is because I keep holding on to the consideration of a situation like that only being temporary for me, that at some point I’ll go ‘back to my comfort zone’ in a city, in a preferred weather environment and so not having to actually embrace my reality completely, which is really not a nice experience at all, because even in one’s imagination, it all becomes about ‘longing’ or ‘yearning’ to be somewhere else but where you are and this I found a very unsettling experience. Yet I was creating it myself based on all the judgments and beliefs I had about my inability to adapt to those environments and truly embrace them as ‘my reality’ or ‘my home’ in that moment.

I therefore would very much like to get to be comfortable and be adaptable in relation to these weather conditions and environments that I’ve defined as uncertain or challenging, and shed that layer of discomfort or ‘pickiness’ that I haven’t managed to let go of – which is for now existing as a memory only as well, because in reality, I have not been in such conditions or environments for a long time. Even when people tell me that they went to the sierra/mountains to spend some days in a little town, there’s a part of me that would truly want to experience a sense of comfort in the notion of going to those places and genuinely enjoy myself, but at the same time what emerges in me is an idea of discomfort, of fear, of uncertainty, of lacking services, of insecurity, of being ‘at the mercy of an uncertain weather’, of not having the resources ‘at my disposition’ as easy as I have them where I live, etc.

I also consider that I’ve judged myself and have secretly been embarrassed throughout my life for having all of these fears I’ve defined as ‘pickiness,’ because I have seen how for many people such lifestyles related to farm life or country side are a ‘dream come true’ but for me it has always been the opposite for the most part and I am glad I did challenge myself to live in a farm for one year, but it wasn’t enough to truly enjoy and embrace my reality, because I knew it would not be permanent and this also sets a condition of ‘tolerating’ or ‘coping’ with something for some time only, instead of me having applied the ability to truly embrace that context and environment regardless of it being temporary or not and work through my reactions in real time.

So, the point here is for me to work with the fears, the anxiety that emerges when considering the potential of living in a place like that again and working with the mental-stuff related to it, to at least recognize how I’ve built this experience of me being apparently ‘inept’ in those environments – and so stopping ‘vetting’ myself from making certain decisions in my life based on an environment, to get the ‘weather’ situation out of the list of ‘cons’ to make decisions in my life and then, there will also be such a thing as testing the real thing and getting to apply myself with the corrections and realizations that I will lay out for myself, and discover for once and for all if I can truly be directive in an environment that I’ve defined as ‘challenging’ for me to be ‘this comfortable and stable me’ as I can apparently be in a familiar or city environment.

Of course all of these are self-limitations I have to break through and change within me as I continue ‘processing’ all of these with self-forgiveness in self-honesty.

More to come…. Thanks for reading.

 

 

Join us in our process of Self-Expression as LIFE


526. Who Are You Today? Asks Life

What I’ve been noticing more in the past days is how whenever there are points of change in our lives, an opportunity to face new patterns, behaviors, habits opens up at the same time, because change always means stepping out of the status quo where new doors open, some others close and we see ourselves suddenly being in a ‘new path’ where we are there standing in a different position, which at the same time means being in places, circumstances, relationships that might be new for us or that we had not experienced for some time before.

These ‘new situations’ also open up ‘old patterns’ or behavioral traits that I thought I had completely ‘transcended’ within myself, only to now realize that I had simply stopped them because of making of another person, context or situation the ‘pillar’ of such ‘transcended point’ or change within me.

An example is in relation to self-acceptance and self-worth wherein I have had a time before where I was genuinely comfortable about it, then for some time it got replaced with the notion of being ‘accepted’ by others, and when this point of ‘acceptance by others’ got challenged, then I saw myself going back to a previous ‘default’ mode of believing that I have self-acceptance issues, just because of not having a reference as to ‘who’ is ‘accepting me’ currently – as perceived by myself. And it’s good that this opened up because I could see a lot of judgments, beliefs, opinions, perceptions that I had created as ‘self-definition’ towards myself in relation to others and this way, through self-forgiveness and being self-honest it enabled me to take all of those points back to myself, where I am no longer relying on others to live these words as myself.

This is an essential aspect of this process as well wherein sometimes we dislike or even resist or judge seeing certain experiences within us coming up again after believing that we had ‘transcended’ them completely, but we are the only ones that can stop the judgment and instead decide to embrace these eventualities that bring up these points again, because we will most likely face these kind of changes more than once in our lives, where suddenly what seemed like a point of certainty, stability, comfort and self-acceptance can be shattered or ‘burst’ as a bubble completely in one moment, and that’s where the only certainty is having to again check with ourselves and assess ‘who we are’ in the midst of that. If what emerges are old patterns of prejudices, inferiorities, emotional experiences, then what do we know? We’ll have some stuff to work on to align those points back to ourselves, hence the analogy of ‘peeling the layers of the onion’ being applied to this process because that’s how it goes, we’ll face similar or the same patterns according to various contexts and life situations, all of them there on our plate to face them and change ourselves as needed.

It’s only common sensical to do this, because by now I am not conceiving this process form consciousness to self-awareness as a ‘once off’ point of application and believing that I will be transcended about one aspect or points within myself and my mind for the rest of my life – it’s not so. This process is more like a constant process of regular check-ups, alignment and correction within oneself, just like our bodies function where if we once get sick of a flu and we manage to overcome it and strengthen our bodies to be back on track, it still doesn’t mean we won’t ‘ever’ get the flu again.

The same applies to points in our process that rear their head from time to time again, which I am also learning to grateful for, because it’s life pushing us to see, check and ask within ourselves: who are you in the face of having ‘this’ point of stability, self-acceptance or sense of ‘certainty’ shattered? What remains of you if a person, situation or context that you’ve defined as comfort is suddenly no longer there? What do you require to change and integrate as living words within yourself to stand as all of those words for and as yourself, instead of living them ‘through’ something or someone else?

These are the benefits of change and stepping out of a status quo which we can also do through exploring who we are in relation to any seemingly ‘subtle’ experiences we get throughout our day and that’s also stepping out of a ‘comfort zone’, to use these tools of self support to investigate ourselves, our minds, our starting points – wherein there’s no need for an actual ‘external change’ to happen as a form of consequence in order for us to ‘wake up’ and see who we are in it all.

This process of seeing ‘who we are’ in relation to something or someone can be done as a regular preventive measure so as to ensure that we are not defining any aspect of ourselves in relation to something or someone, such as relationships, money, a job position, a particular set of intellectual or physical skills, a particular health-condition, shape and condition of our bodies, amount of knowledge one can have about something, etc.  And that’s how we can then ensure that we can ‘know where we stand’ in the eventuality of having our environment, life situation or general status change in our lives in a relative fast pace.

What remains is always oneself here and that’s what I consider is most valuable in this process where we can take all of the bits and parts we have separated and scattered around in ‘others’ from ourselves and instead look at ensuring that we are our very own source of words to live as an expression of ourselves, as a whole, as one and equal with the life that is within us all. To me these are strength, stability, assertiveness, self-worth and self-acceptance, no matter what.

Thanks for reading.

 

Suggested interview that can assist you in opening up similar points to this:  Are You Impressed: Impressing Self – Atlanteans – Part 463

 

La Ilusión de este mundo es nuestra realidad

 

Join us in our process of Self-Expression as LIFE


516. What Will Others Say?

Or debunking our own ‘after thoughts’ that we believe others hold against us and discovering, it’s all created by me.

I’ll start by sharing that I regularly write notes about things that come up within me during the day (written on the back of sales-tickets, to use that whole whiteness of paper!) and place some keywords on how I experienced myself in situation, in my interactions with people, any memories or patterns to open up, dreams, fears… and that’s how I get to have something to say and write about, which is part of the joy of getting to know oneself, when looking deeply, there’s a ton to open up and create a solution for and this point of ‘what will others say’ has been there for more than a week and I have kind of deliberately ‘skipped it’ over, lol procrastinating my own benefit, so here it goes for once and for all.

This rather common after-thought of ‘what will others say’ I’ve found to be very common in most of us human beings in terms of how we are individuals that constantly see ourselves through ‘the eyes of others’ which means: we constantly think that everything that we do is always going to be scrutinized and judged by others and usually not in the most beneficial or ‘flattering’ ways. This is something that I got to look at through listening to some parts of a ‘hangout’ between 4 young guys or teens in the Conscious Consumer Network discussing stuff about their lives, their points of view at their age and the problems that mostly press on them and a recurrent one seemed to be how other peers might judge them and how adults can also look down upon them, which also goes in the way of feeling ‘out of place’ or feeling scrutinized by others.

It got me looking into how I felt at that age in my teens or even pre-teens when I wanted to already be an adult all the time and get to do the things that ‘grownups do’ and feeling outside of the box with my own peers and just uncomfortable within my own skin, not fitting in and wanting to be alone but at the same time craving for social interaction. And a lot of the limitations as to why we many times limit ourselves in the things that we do or don’t do are based on the sneaky thinking related to ‘what will others say or think?’

This is something that until this day I can struggle with, especially when it comes to acknowledging a situation in my life where I am fearing to be called out for ‘failing’ at something or not fulfilling what I believe others’ ‘expectations’ are towards me, believing that people will diminish ‘who I am’ if I explain why I decided not to follow through with a particular life-project that I had planned for myself initially – or when I see myself not having the ‘regular profession’ that you can actually get a ‘title’ from a ‘renowned’ institution validating the very activity I am dedicating my life to – or when I can see at my past of relationships with people that didn’t end up ‘so well’ or when I’ve dared to not follow some ‘traditions’ or when I dared to follow some but not ‘culminate’ them as I believe others expected me to…. And the list could go on and in fact I will review all of this for myself because all of this that I am naming means that I am defining as ‘who I am’ and as something that I believe others are in fact ‘holding against me’ to invalidate me, to inferiorize me, to ‘not be taken seriously,’ to be diminished as a ‘dreamer that wants to change the world’ or to be defined as a ‘quitter’ or someone that has not yet ‘accomplished’ something ‘of value’ in system standards or someone that hasn’t made the brightest choices in life… and the list might go on as well.

In the past two weeks I’ve had to confront myself with my creation, my reality, the results of my starting point and choices in a point of self-creation that led me to look at myself in the mirror, in self-honesty and realize that upon having written about most of the things I was deciding and going through, I was mostly willing to walk through the process of making a somewhat tough decision in my life, yet at the same time discovering that I thought of how easy it would actually be if I didn’t have to confront it with anyone else in my life – not the society and community I live in including my family, my colleagues and friends and the rest of the people who I think are ‘out to find a flaw in me’ to then diminish myself to a point of ‘failure.’ In essence, a lot of what was bothering me was in fact the notion of ‘what will others say or think about me’ my decisions, my reality.

However as much as people can actually talk and have a say on everything – as we all do at any given time about anything we decide to create a judgment or opinion about – I realized that all of this that I was holding inside me was in fact myself, my own judgments, ideas, beliefs, perceptions, being my own worst judge, myself caring about ‘an image’ or a certain ‘ego-status’ that I have kept as an ideal of ‘being flawless.’

As I write this what comes up is an explanation of how early on this boils down to in my life, where the actual origin of this is yes, having been the ‘perfect student’ with ‘clean A’s’ all the way from the moment I stepped into a school and having people, my peers that were also 7 or 8 year olds coming at me and telling me how much they were going to ‘beat me’ next time at something, and how they would get on top of my position and I would fail and they would laugh at my misery – etc. Yes, of course not a nice thing to go through considering I had or have been very gullible about the human condition and could not understand how someone could be that ‘mean’ to me – and that caused quite a lot of commotion and uncertainty in myself but didn’t stop me from continuing doing my best and thanks to my mother from whom I learned  – and still do – to focus on myself, to do it for myself, to never mind what others think or say and that their words represented them, defined them, not me.

That was supportive at the time and it did help a lot to go through every day at school where I would at times be subject of ‘whole-class’ discrimination where it was as if everyone just decided to ‘turn against me’ in a way to ostracize me. It felt horrible, I would arrive home very sad and crying out because of it and I didn’t want to go to school any longer due to that, but I did anyways – unfortunately just like many, many kids nowadays that get bullied at school and go through worse situations than I did – and having this coming from even those girls that I deemed as ‘my friends’ was my first taste of betrayal, but also of seeing how much ‘what others say or do towards me’ could affect me.

Over the year growing up I learned to create a hard veneer towards all of that kind of criticism, which also led me to become a ‘tough head’ at times, antagonistic, be defensive, be outspoken and a bit ‘over the top’ in certain aspects which at the same time I don’t regret at all because at the time, it did help me walk through the rest of school years not trying to ‘find a spot’ any longer but rather building my own space and getting along with  anyone that I could, which is something I am glad I did. I wasn’t deliberately becoming ‘apart’ from others as a form of rejection to others or spiting them, but didn’t attempt to ‘fit in’ any longer, while also learning to talk to and relate to most people in my class, which is cool to do and this I’d recommend anyone around that age to do: be yourself, create your own spot, get along with everyone, treat everyone as equals and that’s what you’ll get back as well.

Back to the point of ‘What will others say’ and how it plays out into my current life situation is where I am the one that has kept that same belief within me that ‘others are out to get me’ or ‘watch me fall’ and that I have to keep a certain façade of ‘all is well’ and ‘doing great’ all the time so as to not give any ‘entry’ to a ‘flaw’ in me that could unleash criticism, judgment, opinions coming from others that might be just waiting to ‘find fault’ on me.

Now this is all that I have in fact created in my own mind, it is what I have accepted and allowed to give power away to as ‘what others will think of me’ and in fact it has been a constant point these days when having to confront people in my family, my community about the changes in my life and I could see that as much as I have done a pretty good job at presenting myself in a cool, calm and collected manner and as much as this is in fact an expression that seems comfortable in the moment – there are still discomforts in the background based on this notion of ‘how others might be thinking, judging, conversing’ about my life situation and how others will be opinionated about my choices and decisions.

One thing that has worked for me and that I have reminded myself about is to realize ‘I am the one living my life, my creation, my outcome and my choices, not anyone else’ which means if anyone has an opinion, belief, idea, perception, judgment about me, it is still their perception, their point of view or judgment that defines them and how they use their mind to assess other people’s life situation, but it certainly doesn’t define me.

Now this of course doesn’t mean that I don’t hear anyone else’s perspective on my situation, I do, do I am aware of how I also assess such feedback.  I am fortunate enough to have people in my life that I know I can count on to be simply there as a reminder of my own self-honesty – which is frankly the most valuable thing to do in times where we might be losing our footing in certain situations. And these are the people I can trust on getting feedback on so that I can at the same time check with myself in my own self-trust what I can look at, what can I work on within myself, what can I focus on opening up and creating a solution for the situation I am in, what kind of ways or paths can I create to step on my way through this challenging situation I am in. Therefore this becomes a constructive form of feedback that I can not only blindly take in, but assess within my own self trust, within my own self-honesty and then take it or leave it, but it’s always ‘on me’ and about me supporting myself, me being able to ‘live’ with myself, my choices, my decisions, in my life.

I definitely would like all of our relationships to be that way and this I certainly commit myself to do as well with people that I at the same time, have the fortune to be in a position of assisting and supporting in their own lives, their own process. Supporting, meaning: being there as a reminder of one’s self-honesty, without judgment, without expectations, without prejudices, but in humbleness and understanding, being ‘there’ for another while they find their own way through as well.

This is how I realize that all of the rest of judgments, ideas, prejudices I believe others would have to say about me as all the people that come up in my mind when considering having to ‘explain’ myself and my life, my choices, my decisions are nothing else but my own expectations built through memories, past situations where I would become ‘paralyzed’ with fearing others ‘coming at me’ to point out all the potential ways in which they could watch me fall and enjoy the show… yep, it is quite a problem that this can be happening between kids at such an early age and yes, if one doesn’t have proper support it can reverberate throughout one’s entire lifetime.

Here then I opened up and discovered how this notion of having to confront myself ‘at the eyes of others’ resonates with that early memory at school I described earlier and how the same conditioning of fearing that ‘others rejoice at seeing me fail’ is still keeping me bound to not stand fully clear in my current reality, because of perceiving that ‘others’ words, expectations, judgments, ideas’ about myself can actually have an impact on me, my life and who I am – but! Guess what? They don’t!

I have to remind myself that this that I am experiencing currently as this uncertainty of confronting others in my life and having to ‘explain’ myself as who I currently am in my life and my decisions is something I can actually self-forgive and let go of, because I am the one that is making and living that decision, not anyone else – and that’s how no one really has the actual position of ‘being me’ to have an actual say on who I am, what I do, the choices I make and why I make them.  Therefore any thought that comes up in me, about ‘others’ judging me, rejoicing at the notion of me ‘failing’ at something – I have to remind myself that it’s based on past memories and in no way defines ‘me’ currently.

In this I also remind myself that I can only ever be my own worst judge and that I can only be the one that accepts and allows any form of judgment to ‘affect me’ – it’s all on me, and that’s how I see that whenever I am ‘fearing’ what ‘others have to say’ about myself, my life, my choices, my decision, my ways, my principles = it doesn’t define me, but it will if I give my power away to it.

And as an extra point that I’ve proven as well is that, in our minds we tend to completely blow things out of proportion – so even in situations that we might be fearing to confront or perceive as potentially uncomfortable while participating in this backchat about ‘what others have to say’ about me, I’ve proven that most of it I completely blew out of proportion and made it a lot worse than what it actually was, and that I ended up becoming more of a nervous wreck based on my own imaginations and projections than when facing the ‘real deal’ and finding out ‘wow, it wasn’t as bad as I thought’ – this I consider is also one of those very common patterns that we can all remind ourselves about and stop torturing ourselves with it.

So! I’ll stop my own mind in relation to this and I have to say, I’ve definitely been much better at this all that I’ve described today through walking this process from consciousness to self-awareness as life, but not to a complete extent yet which is why it’s awesome to face things in my life and find out ‘hey! I still give too much value to what others might be thinking about me, gotta change that!’ and come here and lay it out for myself so that I cannot run away from my own self-honesty any longer, lol, which is actually another last minute reminder of how contradictory is that we put off or procrastinate to work on the very points that could ease our lives and make ourselves ‘know where we stand’ within ourselves again – it’s all about the power of writing and self-honest personal ‘debunkings’ that can clear the space and make us enjoy discovering ourselves as well.

So, enjoy doing yours and thanks for reading

And! Please gift yourself with this awesome recording to ‘find your way through’ even in the apparently worst-case scenario you might be at in your life, fresh from today:

Everywhere but Within – Demons in the Afterlife – Part 75

 

 

Join us in our process of Self-Creation as LIFE

 


506. From Despair to a Constructive Aftermath

 

 The aftermath here is the time after one has faced a particular outcome that wasn’t expected or preferred in relation to something that we were investing ourselves to create. That can be a particular project that doesn’t gain as much traction as expected, a job that we get fired from, a relationship that didn’t work out, a health problem that limits our abilities in certain ways, the death of a loved one… all of those situations that are part of our lives are the ones that we usually tend to get more ‘stung’ by in the sense of feeling discouraged and beaten down from what is seen or perceived as a failure, as a loss, as a ‘having to start over’ moment, as something that we invested on so much of ourselves but simply didn’t add up to the expected result.

It is quite common to feel defeated, to go into thoughts of considering that we’ve wasted our money, time and effort, that it all was ‘for nothing’ and then starting to close down to the consideration of trying it out again, of starting over a business, starting a new project or finding new ways to support ourselves physically on the face of illness or disease. We usually tend to see these unfavorable outcomes as a really bad thing to happen to us, but one thing that I’ve found most supportive is to recognize and – as I’ve been sharing lately – ‘own our creation’ all the way from beginning to end.

This has assisted me to be able to stand up and through the whole unraveling of a particularly ‘unfavorable outcome’ and learning to see it with the eyes of ‘I created this, I can learn from what didn’t work out, I can stand up again and create myself again, not give up on myself’

The experience of ‘giving up’ seems to be a ‘default tantrumy setting’ for ourselves in these situations, wherein let’s say we don’t get a desired outcome from a business venture and one can go into the extremes of saying ‘Ah, I’ll never again open my own business again, I’m done!’ or if one fails with a particular project, one tends to go into ideas of ‘I should not have even done that, what a waste of time, I’m never going to do such a thing again, such a failure!’ and in terms of relationships failing or having to part ways, one can go into thoughts like ‘I knew I should have never stepped into that relationship, I knew it was going to be a problem, I’m never going to go into a relationship again’ and we tend to be pessimistic within it all which I have also had a tendency before to do, which is why here today I share how this is not how it has to be.

The aftermath of these situations is actually a key moment for self-reflection, to first of lay out for ourselves our creation, see in self-honesty who we have been throughout the whole creation of the relationship, project, venture etc. then write out and self-forgive the judgments, the blame, the sense of ‘giving up’ on oneself in that particular aspect of our lives – or sometimes even wanting to give up on life entirely – because in those usually tough moments we tend to see everything through a thick fog of ‘lostness’ and ‘confusion’ and ‘despair’ and that’s precisely, right there, where that potential of ourselves as that willingness to stand up and take responsibility has to emerge. It won’t be an ‘automatic’ thing to happen either, it takes an actual decision to not go into emotional victimization to whatever went wrong or bad in our lives and first own our creation: I did this, I created this, I participated in it from beginning to end, therefore I assume the consequences/outcome of it.

Now here one thing that has assisted me a lot is to focus on what I’ve learned from the ‘failure’/mistake/problem/outcome’ and focus on what my participation throughout It all was. Sometimes things are entirely moved and created by ourselves, but some other times we have to work in teams to create something. If that’s so, blaming another for something not working out will only lead us down the path of seeing others as the problem, instead of focusing on ourselves. This is where the equilibrium comes wherein upon me recognizing, admitting and owning my creation, my part in the situation, I can at the same time then assist others to look at it as well within that same starting point, without any hidden agendas like an attempt to blame or accuse, because in that moment I understand the importance of sticking to seeing ‘my responsibility’ and my participation – or the lack thereof – in something that I had invested myself to create or get to work in along with others whose participation also counts in it, and so seeing the conjoined creation as a sum of individuals’ responsibility.

This makes the whole aftermath process easier because I can then review all of my decisions in the creation that I ended up ‘failing’ at and stand with each one of them, understanding how in the moment that I made them I trusted myself, I gave it my all, I can be clear that I did push to change things within me to make it all more effective, I know where I wasn’t giving it my 100%, I can clearly see where and how I compromised myself, what I could have changed but didn’t get to it and the ways in which I also did assist others to do the same as part of the team or project. 

This is how even when the outcome is unfavorable or unexpected, one can stand in one’s two feet and stand with one’s creation: with what one did – or didn’t do – what one pushed to change and do – or didn’t change or do – what one invested on time, effort, money on – or where it all lacked – and so make of this whole ‘failure’ situation a time for a personal review where we can see where our weaknesses existed and take note of them so that one can work through it. And at the same time also acknowledging where we got to strengthen ourselves, to expand, to learn new things about ourselves and others, which regardless of the outcome of things, will always be there in any creation process, alone or with others.

Therefore, a strong suggestion is to not allow oneself to go down misery lane upon facing a particular outcome, a problem, point of failure, bankruptcy, relationship breakup, health problem, loss of a loved one or anything that we might perceive in our lives as a ‘failure’, a loss or an obstacle – these are moments where we can open up in self-reflection, looking back at who we have been and learn from it, also to be able to stand with our creation, owning our deeds and their outcomes.

Here then why I’ve been placing ‘failure’ with these quotes is because this is a loaded word where we usually can experience it as a complete ‘drain’ of all of our life force and feel like we won’t ever get back up again from it – but if we learn to see a failure as one shot, one opportunity, one way, one path that we walked through with all of our being and intent to make it work, and regardless of it all we still discover that we’re not leading ourselves to the outcome we wanted to create for ourselves, then that’s where it’s best to stop going any further, go back to the drawing board and create another way.

Sometimes I’ve seen how specially in relationships, we tend to want to keep walking the same path out of fear losing the person in the relationship or fearing the outcomes from separating from another, but we only know that if over time we have tested something out sufficiently and still we’re seeing the same problems emerge, it’s best to not prolong the ‘testing time’ and rather start focusing on changing paths and learning from what didn’t work out on both parties. This I’ve found is more honorable as well, where we don’t keep walking a lie, where we have the courage to stop a point of deception for oneself and for another and everyone else involved in it, because that’s how we also prevent further consequences and at the same time shorten the time to face our creation, instead of doing so further down the road where more people, more time, more resources have been invested into something.

Here I also have learned from Bernard Poolman, a mentor and friend to myself, how no matter how many times his business failed and had to go through the whole point of ‘losing it all’, he kept at it, eventually succeeding in what he wanted to create. This perseverance, this continuity and dedication to creating something – along with the responsibility it entails – is definitely something I can learn from and integrate into my life so that I know, no matter how ‘bad’ things get in our lives, in our projects or relationships, no matter how ‘bleak’ the outcome may seem, one can still decide to stand up from the failure, the loss, the ‘breakup’ and learn from it, get back on one’s own two feet to then start planning the next step in our creation, mostly being wiser, if we learn well from our mistakes, mostly stronger – if we realize that what we feared facing and eventually ended up having to face didn’t ‘kill us’ but in fact wasn’t as bad as we thought it was going to be.

This is the kind of self-trust that we always have and can stand as in our lives in difficult moments or situations where we feel it as “the end of our world”, but it’s not so if we decide to not give into all the depression and emotional aftermath and instead create a constructive aftermath, a time for personal reflection, self-forgiveness, self-introspection to see what we did or didn’t do and so, start paving the way to get back on our own two feet and continue walking the same path or a new path, it’s up to us, we decide, we are our creators.

Thanks for reading

 

Suggested support from Eqafe.com

 

Artwork016


505. Why Do We Hate?

Or understanding hate as a way to avoid looking at how we created expectations towards others being or doing that which we desired/wanted for ourselves.

This has been a question that I consider we have all had in our lives at some point and unfortunately like many other ‘darker’ aspects of our minds, we fear investigating ‘who we are’ as hate, instead of seeing that in the first place, it’s not really about ‘hating others’- it is an accumulation of negative reactions that we are projecting towards others that are based on an initial positive experience and expectation that we created towards something or someone. This way love and hate are in fact existing as these relationships that we hold through positive and negative experiences, leading us to eventually have to ‘burst the bubbles’ of the perceived positive in order to reveal behind it all, what is it that we have in fact been projecting towards another as an expectation of what we would like/love them to be and do for us.

“One cannot continue with an illusion like this in relationships, how are we ever going to learn how to be ourselves, to stand on our own two feet, to be individuals, to be independent, if throughout existence all we do is expecting everything and everyone else to be something for us when we’re not even willing to be it for ourselves, I mean how can we even expect it or demand it, or depend on it from someone else if we don’t really in fact know what it really I fact means to be all of those things, that we’re wanting others to be it for us. “Atlanteans # 80, Eqafe.com

 

This quote from an audio about love and hate in relationships very much stuck with me because it assisted me when it got published some years ago, to understand why it is so easy to go from ‘love’ to ‘hate’ or any other negative experiences specifically within a relationship – be it with family, friendship or partnership. And I’ve also had a few people ask this same question to me lately, where we seem to get ‘puzzled’ over the realization that we are experiencing hate, anger or any other ‘negative’ reaction towards people that we had a generally positive relationship with initially.

 

What  I learned from this interview/audio is that in order for ‘hate’ to exist, we first had to create an expectation, a positive ideal about another in a relationship where we hoped that all of what we have defined as ‘good’, ‘desirable’ or ‘positive aspects’ that we wanted them to be, would become a constant reality of themselves and therefore in the relationship with ourselves/with us.

 

And what happens when we see our expectations ‘fail’, that’s where the shift from ‘loving’ all those positive/good experiences comes back to its opposite, which is ‘hate’ or any other negative reactions where one shifts the point of responsibility towards others as ‘blame’ and ‘hatred’ based on not seeing these positive-experiences fulfilled within ourselves, instead of actually seeing the point of self-responsibility that opens up for us to look at, which is to in fact first see what kind of ideas, expectations and ‘best scenarios’ we created in our minds and projected towards another, waiting and hoping that they would ‘change for us’ or ‘become the best for themselves and therefore for us’ wherein, the moment that this proves to be an ‘unfulfilled expectation’, we believe that ‘the other person is letting us down’ or is ‘betraying us’ but in reality, who created the initial positive-idealism towards the potential change of another person? We did, and therefore throughout our ‘usual reactions’ that we’ve accepted and allowed as ‘human nature’ in this kind of situations, we’ve come to see hate as something valid towards another. But I’ve learned that it is not so, because it is an experience that Is being projected onto another, and at the same time I’d dare to say it is mostly representing the anger towards oneself for having indulged into expectations of others to be able to change, which is therefore where we usually don’t want to acknowledge that we did this to ourselves = we created the positive expectation in our minds, wanting ‘others’ to  be all of that ‘good’ for us where as the quote says, we are wanting others to be for us what we haven’t yet been and done for ourselves – and when reality proves this is not so, it’s not ‘real’ then, we hit the wall and create negative reactions to it.

 

This is also very common towards parents where as children we create ideas of what kind of ‘good parents’ we’d like to have and when our expectations are not met, we end up hating them based on not being able to fulfill those positive things we had expected our parents to be or do for us. Of course as children it’s more difficult to take responsibility for this, but as adults it becomes one of those things where we have to acknowledge our collective responsibility in how we have allowed ‘parenting’ to be done and practiced for such a long time, where we all have our stories to tell on how we can see the flaws in it, but we haven’t yet dared to stand up and own the consequences to take responsibility for that which we have hated or blamed our parents for, because it then doesn’t reflect ‘them’ but ourselves in not wanting to be the change for ourselves, to live for ourselves that which we hold a grudge towards our parents for not doing/being for us. And that’s no longer acceptable.

 

Hate is genuinely another tantrum, another way to justify self-pity, anger, disempowerment, victimization where we are not realizing our first and most important point of self-responsibility, which is that of first being willing to look at all things that we have attached a positive experience towards, which we’ve turned into expectations, beliefs, desires that we have projected onto something or someone and maintaining a positive relationship to all of that as an illusion, then eventually has to hit the ground to see the truth of it all, as anything else that must come back down to earth after flying ‘high’ on positive feelings or expectations.

 

In this case, the best thing to do is to self-forgive all the positive expectations and experiences we had projected towards another, to realize and take responsibility for the fact that we were expecting another to do something that they had not even decided to do for themselves in the first place, but that existed as a hope – therefore when we get to see ‘the proof’ where those expectations are not being met and seeing that ‘another has not in fact been that/done that ‘for me’’ we believe that we have the right to hate them. Really?

 

No, there’s no right to it because we can’t ever change another and hatred means only venting out emotional reactions as all the negative experiences that were held at the same time by their polarity points of all the positive experiences that we had projected and expected others to be or create for us… so who in fact is enslaving ‘who’ in these expectations?

 

This also points out how the solution to hatred is not ‘love’ either, because love as it is currently mainly understood stands as the polarity of hatred, as ‘all the good stuff’ that we haven’t questioned ourselves in the first place why is it that we have to live within a polarity of positive and negative in which we trap ourselves in good and bad experiences, while there is in fact a way to live outside of this polarity, and live life according to self-responsibility, self-honesty, common sense and self-creation.

 

The solution is to understand, write out and self-forgive all of those positive expectations we built around another/others, all the positive ideas and hope we projected upon others and so take responsibility for having allowed ourselves to expect others to change for us, to be ‘the ideal’ that we have created in our own minds, even if one wants to justify it as ‘best for all’ for the other person as well, as long as one sees oneself ‘wanting to change, save’ another, we are in fact compromising ourselves, preparing our path to face the love-hate dynamic and at the same time we don’t even realize how in this kind of relationships and expectations, we prevent the other person from truly deciding to change and live in a supportive manner for and as themselves, not for a relationship, not for a family member or a friend.

 

I’ve been in this outflow and outcome many times in my life and as much as I have wanted to justify ‘my experience’ I cannot deny self-honesty and my point of responsibility and self-creation in these positive experiences and expectations imposed towards another, therefore it is essential for me to realize that I am always the origin, cause and creation of myself as this expectation I projected towards another – same projection or expectation that I now have to bring back to myself so that I can genuinely stand as an individual that does not become dependent on another to change, does not condition our process of self-honesty based on an ideal in my  mind to fulfill by others, even if it’s ‘best’ for others, we cannot ever make that decision and live that process of change for another and that’s actually a principle that I’ve known in theory for so long, yet one can still fall for a moment in it and be blinded by the ‘good experiences’ and neglecting to look at the reality behind it, which is always there in the background, I assure you, it takes courage to recognize the truth and reality behind all the seemingly good experiences.

 

Ultimately this brings me back to seeing that it’s not about ‘others’ that we go into love or hate, but it’s always about ourselves and what we imprint as experiences, expectations, desires, wants, needs towards others and how then we trap ourselves when seeing that it didn’t come through in reality, because we cannot ever stand in the life of another to change them or to be those changes ‘for them’ either, and this is why this process is the ultimate individual self-realization, because no matter how much ‘good’ we would like to do onto others, it’s ultimately up to each one to create themselves/ourselves and I would not want it any other way really, otherwise it would be again very consequential to enslave each other based on becoming ‘each other’s crutch for change’ and expecting another to leave the crutch and stand alone, but the reality does boil down to seeing how if we are not willing to be the best version of ourselves for ourselves, individually, we cannot ever be that for another in a relationship – whether it’s family, friends, partnership, colleagues – and this world is built in relationships.

 

I’ve shared many times before how the same happens with hating presidents or politicians and how it only reveals how many ‘good expectations’ we have projected onto others, to be and act in the best way possible ‘for us’ and in that, creating this righteousness experience if they ‘dare’ to not live up to our expectations, but… who created those expectations in the first place? We did, and so we have to realize our responsibility in creating all of the outcomes that we usually Love to Blame others for, yet, we haven’t even looked at why in the first place have we allowed ourselves to polarize our relationship to things and people in this world within a positive and a negative in which we ‘bounce’ from one pole to the other…

There’s no doubt to me that there is so much to learn from our reactions and how they all always can indicate and assist us to see something that we are not wanting to face, to acknowledge and change within ourselves to begin with.

 

That’s how hate is no different to blame and dodging one’s responsibility to our creation, our expectations, our desires that we are seeking to be fulfilled ‘by others’ in our lives – definitely time to take responsibility for ourselves in its totality and as the audio says, be able to be all of that for ourselves  first instead of expecting others to be that for us.

 

Thanks for reading

 

Recommended audio-support to understand Hate and learn to Self Forgive it:

And!

 

Darla 06

 

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502. From Feeling Sorry to Owning our Consequences

Or what does it reveal about me to ‘feel sorry for others’ and how to turn it into a supportive point of change in me

There’s this experience that I have noticed as one of those very ingrained aspects of myself where feeling sorry for another becomes a way to create a form of ‘care’ – again, lol – that is definitely not supportive and relies on diminishing the potential and capacity of others to stand up for themselves and own their creation.

What does it reveal about myself to pity or feel sorry for others? It is the acceptance and allowance of self-pity within myself, where even if I cannot spot it existing as ‘who I am’ currently, it has been an ingrained aspect of going into an inferiority, a victimization, a ‘sorry for me’ type of experience that I can definitely see very much ‘there’ in relation to myself in the past, which I have been projecting onto others that I have associated to be similar to ‘me in the past’ and thus wanting to create a form of empathy or support that ends up compromising not only myself but the other person I ‘feel sorry for’ or believe is being ‘unfairly treated’ or is going through some kind of ‘injustice.’

This ‘feeling sorry’ for another is defined by the character that wants to ‘save’ another for example from certain circumstances or consequences in their life where I for example decide to completely stand as a pillar for them to stand up and in doing so, not really questioning: what am I actually doing when considering that the other person is genuinely incapable of taking self-responsibility or standing up for themselves?

This is where we develop relationships with other people based on self-compromise. Example, if there are consequences or situations that have been experienced by them in their lives, it is also part of their creation and what they have to own as their life, their actions and inactions, their decisions – which is exactly what I’ve learned to do with myself and my own life, to not diminish my capacity in any way to be able to change and do the necessary work to change in the possibilities that I have in my reality.

Of course here I am talking about people that are already having the basics to live and have all the means to create ways to support themselves –  even more so, there are truly disempowered people in this world that even in very real worst case scenarios push and stand up through the worst of the situations, which also allowed me to place into context my kind of ‘sorry’ and ‘worry’ which has been a life-long patter – up to now and that I am committing and deciding to stop here – which has led to compromise within myself and others.

There is one point missed at times which is that even if we support another and they decide that there’s a willingness to support themselves as well, there is one step from having the intent or even ‘will’ to do it and actually living them and that’s where even if one can temporarily stand as a point of support for another, it does have to get to the point where each one must stand by themselves completely and this potential exists in all of us human beings and we know it because every person is always an individual and no matter how much you want to stand as a point of support for another, it’s always up to another to own their creation and stand up for themselves.

Here looking at ‘sorry for others’ as well in the context of consequences that a person has actually created in their lives, where I can also go into the belief that things just ‘happen’ to others instead of seeing how there is always a point of acceptance and allowance for that point to exist in their/our lives. Here is where I have to see how I can still go into thinking that some things in this world are ‘unfair’ to people instead of completely taking responsibility for it all, for we are all in fact one and equal.  

Yet I forget that consequences and facing real harsh consequences can be the most supportive thing, not can be, they are in fact the most supportive things we can have whenever we haven’t yet been able to see the effects of our creation, of our participation in our mind and so in our actions. We have taught ourselves to ‘fear consequence’ yet, it is precisely through fearing that we neglect taking the actions to change something and in the end, we create that which we feared only to then be able to face it and stand through it to realize how much we led to a consequential outcome just because we feared something, without questioning the fear itself in the first place.

‘Feeling sorry’ for another is another dimension of implying that I am in fact diminishing the other person from being able to own their creation, I am creating an experience toward them that sort of confirms their inability to ‘stand up for themselves’ while I know they are also capable, because I have done it for myself as well and so if I have done it, so can you, so can anyone. In other words, the best way to assist another person is precisely to not feel sorry for them or to go into an experience of ‘worry as care’ as I’ve shared in previous blogs, because that’s completely futile as real support.

Sometimes what’s required is what is commonly perceived as ‘tough love’ where allowing a person to face consequence is the best way to genuinely support another, to learn what it means to make a decision and live it fully into its completion, into a full creation where we can face what we’ve done, become and take responsibility for it from beginning to end – this is not about good or bad – but about experiencing what is the result and outcome of a continued participation in a particular intent, thoughts, experiences, plans, etc. And also to see what it means to face consequences based on actions or inactions that were truly in one’s hands to do and work on. 

So I decide to instead of ‘feeling sorry’ for others to rather first recognize their creation, their outcome as who they have been up to that point wherein no matter how ‘lost’ one may seem in the mind, there’s always this one moment of making a decision to feed the conflict or stop it and find ways to change. And here thus, it’s more honorable to break up a delusion of ‘being sorry for others’ as any form of care, and in my case rather integrate the realization that real care is the one that would show you the way in which you can face your creation, your consequences in a supportive manner, but preventing oneself from consequence is definitely only perpetuating self-abuse, a perpetual immaturity in living potential because that’s how we’ve ended up creating our gods, our authorities as parents, governments and the rest of it, where we then learn to blame when things go wrong and throw tantrums and create self-pity and victimization, instead of learning to stand up, review all the steps of our creation and own every step of it to the point of being able to fully recognize ‘this is me, I’ve done this, I’ve become this, therefore I can change’ because again, doing this is then empowering for each other, it’s what real freedom is from my perspective.

This is then a personal note whenever wanting to go into ‘feeling sorry’ or ‘pitying another’ to remind myself of owning our creations, learning from our consequences which is a very specific process for each one of us, of course according to our creation and that’s how we can also make of consequences a gift to see where we had to stand up in our lives, what we had not yet learned about ourselves and our capacity yet, where we still have to fine-tune our resolve in certain points of change – it’s all part of the process and so not to judge oneself or others for it and fall into an emotional experience for it, but stand up and learn from it.

In any case all I can ever do is assist others to realize the gift of owning our consequences, of the necessity of consequences many times for us to wake up from our slumber and also to learn to see these outcomes and outflows as our creation that we can change from now on, to not be defined by it but rather focus on learning how to stand up from it and make that be our strength and not a perpetual weakness.

Thanks for reading.

 

Recommended:

 

Join us in our process of Self-Responsibility as LIFE


487. The Origins of My Conditional Expression

Or how I defined my expression based on others’ reception instead of being my own starting point for and as it.

 

Sunday was ‘the origin’ day because in the morning as I shared on my last blog I was looking at the origins of ourselves in existence. And during the afternoon, I went to my parents’ house and we watched some of the home videos of the time when I was a very young girl, around 4-5 years old and I noticed that I as I was watching them, I started laughing almost hysterically about them all. The reason? In most of them I am dancing and impersonating any other pop star I was infatuated with at the time and it all seemed like very funny in how I was moving and expressing myself. But at the same time of being laughing about what I was watching, I noticed that there were other reactions because it did seem like I got into a mix of emotions/feelings – in essence energetic experiences – that I had not had in a long time and were triggered by watching myself as a young kid.

A part of what I could see is how every single move I was making was essentially me coping the people I Idolized at the time and so trying to move exactly as they did on TV which in a way was me wanting to be ‘like the people on TV’ and in no way was there a real expression coming through in me, but instead ‘camera time’ meant I had to put on a show and dance and ‘get the attention’, which was another proof and reminder of how we have tainted our unconditional expression based on copying others that we perceive as popular, as applauded by the people and in doing so, shaping who I wanted to be according to the usual standards of wanting to be an artist or someone famous someday, which I actually got to live through in my initial decision to study arts, quite predictably so I’d say which is how most of our lives function where we become what we’ve been exposed to and how none of our preferences or ways of expressing ourselves are in fact ‘our genuine expression’ because we start copying everything and everyone around us from a very young age.

When I was laughing at the same time there were emotions involved like sadness. I guess it was me going back to those years of perceived innocence and everything else that I came to be and do in my life later on when seeking for myself ‘out there’, seeking acceptance by others, seeking to be valued by others, seeking to be recognized by others – all of those patterns seemed to already be fueled from that very early age when I equated my self-value to ‘putting up a show’ essentially and very much based on performance – through dancing, through being a ‘good student’ in school, through exaggeration of movements and ways of expressing to get people’s attention or stand out from the crowd – yep, that’s been definitely a pattern from a very early age.

I noticed that my laughter while watching the whole time wasn’t a real expression, but instead entirely a way to cope with the moment and in fact suppressing and hiding a series of emotions I was actually confronting upon seeing through my eyes that ‘mini-me’ version doing things that I know – as much as I could have enjoyed myself doing it at the time – was very much copied and made as a display for others as well, which reveals a whole lot about a core programming within myself where a ‘showing off’ attitude became part of my personality in order to get attention, recognition, validation, specialness and all these points upon seeing how ingrained they were at such a young age in me, made me kind of sad because I ponder how I could have been without all that stimulation through music and particular singers, what would I have been more inclined to do if I had not been exposed all the time to the notion of imitating pop-stars and sing and dance in front of a camera all the time, get into a ‘high’ to do the show.

I got so defined by ‘doing the whole show’ in every major family reunion/party that I eventually got sick of it, stopped dancing altogether because I noticed how I became like a monkey-show for everyone that would simply start dancing with music playing, be ‘the center of attention ‘ for others that weren’t willing many times to do it themselves. It was a very programmed experience and I would enjoy the attention I would get – or so I thought. And I see how we program kids in general to become this sort of ‘show’ for the parents or adults in one way or another, which eventually as kids we integrate as a way to ‘make others happy’ or ‘make others value ourselves’ in a very conditioned and programmed way.

Of course, this is not to blame anyone for this, parents didn’t know any better either, society didn’t know any better, we didn’t know any better. All that I can do is recognize those ways in me now and see what I have accepted and allowed to ‘define me’ from a very  young age and from there, ensure that whenever I am expressing myself, it’s not to put up a show for someone or to create an experience in others, but entirely live it as myself, for myself, as an expression of me.

It’s interesting yet foreseeable that I ended up choosing a career where one makes things that are meant to be displayed and enjoyed by others, or at least that’s the way I used to look at it because art can also be made as a way of expression and that’s it, but invariably it gets to a circuit of receivers that will obtain an experience through it, will ‘interact’ with it in one way or another. And this leads to a self-compromise if the starting point is ‘doing things for others’ instead of doing so for oneself.

I can change something from now, for example, in how I interact with my niece and nephew to not recreate the patterns of only valuing them for the things that they do or create, but for who they are. I see the same programming in them coming through, a showing up in both the intellectual and the expression way, a ‘putting up a show’ for others at times in various ways which fascinatingly enough represent both of the aspects I came to define myself as – and I guess this is something we’ve all had and been through where we’re constantly seeing ourselves through the eyes of others, instead of being the origin of our expression ourselves.

I’ve also considered that I can assist my niece and nephew to understand these points and share my own realizations and experience and so learn to be themselves, to trust themselves, without seeking approval from others.

That whole Sunday situation of laughing hysterically interestingly enough showed me where I wasn’t really present but it was a mixture of emotions that I simply ‘laughed out’ in a very awkward way which fortunately my partner also noticed and said something along the lines of what I’ve shared here, how Kids are good at copying the expressions that they consider superior which was a grounding comment at the time so that I could precisely start seeing with a more objective pair of eyes – past the nostalgia type of experience – into the ‘who I was’ and have been throughout my life. He also didn’t get any fuzzy feelings about it, lol which is great and rarely does he do anyways, but constantly looks at things very objectively which is very supportive for me every time I seem to be getting too ‘aloof’ and above my ground in some kind of ecstatic or high experience, like with this hysterical laughter.

 

A suggestion then for parents, to not see kids as ‘show makers’ because one ends up creating a ‘hate-love’ relationship with expression in essence, compromising ourselves based on wanting to do it ‘for others’ and missing out ourselves in it all. I also see how a part of me that created that ‘love-hate’ relationship with Art I’ve been writing about throughout the years has to do with this self-definition of ‘who I am ‘based on ‘what I do’ and how that ‘what I do’ is received, qualified, valued by others. This is then the way in which I’ve conditioned myself ‘at the eyes of others’ and haven’t stood my ground to express as me, for me and in doing so being the very origin and end of my expression. That’s a definitive way in which I want to live for sure and if I can assist kids to understand this for themselves, that’s great too.

Interestingly enough, after this Sunday of hysterical laughter I had swollen tonsils which I remembered ‘tonsillitis’ means tons of light and had to look at this ‘enlightened self-interest’ aspect in me while watching the videos – because it came up right after watching that – and seeing how in fact I had gone into a ‘high’ of sorts with this laughter that at the same time was suppressing a lot of myself in it. And as I write this out and finally ‘digest it through’ I can feel my tonsils are getting a bit better…

So, here’s the self-forgiveness on these points which actually relate a lot to this ‘initial point of separation’ I talked about in my last blog and then I was able to see my very origins of that.

 I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to from a very young age condition, program and mold myself to copy others’ expressions that I knew were popular, that I defined and perceived as superior or ‘more than me’ so that when recreating these expressions at home, I could get my parents’ and everyone’s expression of approval in order to create a positive experience through the attention, the ‘enjoyment’ that I could see in others, the ‘show’ I could put up in order to be ‘special’ and ‘unique’ and in doing so believing that I could only be valued through constantly getting attention from others, being recognized by others and in doing so, programming myself to always ‘seek for approval’ or ‘acceptance’ in separation of myself – instead of acknowledging myself as my origin and end of self-expression: doing it for me as myself, without expectations.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself as a child to believe that copying others that were ‘famous artists’ was a way for me to also be special, recognized, gain attention from people at home and in my family, wherein I believed that I had to constantly then ‘put up a show’ as in dance and sing and move around in exaggerated manners in order to keep that focus and attention on myself, which also at the same time hides the other polarity from ‘wanting to be noticed’ to ‘disliking or avoiding being ignored’ or taken as ‘any other person’ but constantly strive to be ‘special’ even if that means having to ‘put up a show’ every time – not realizing that in doing so I conditioned the entirety of ‘who I am’ based on seeking recognition and value ‘from others toward me’ instead of valuing me as myself, as life, as expression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having feared to be ignored as a child where I could see myself putting some ‘extra effort’ in my moves when dancing or simply talking to others so that I could ‘retain’ their attention on me and value me as ‘being special’ for being able to ‘trigger’ positive experiences in others, which became a condition in me of wanting to constantly be ‘performing’ for others and so valuing who I am based on ‘what I do’ and how that is received by others, in order to be approved, accepted, value as ‘superior’ or ‘important’ or ‘more than others.’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to dislike being ignored wherein this pattern can still come up when not getting the response, the feedback, the appreciation that I seek from others wherein my entire value has been very much defined according to how others ‘interact with what I do/create/say/am’ within the starting point of ‘being for others’ instead of entirely being the origin and end of and for myself, because in this I understand that if I am the best for myself as an individual, invariably I also am the best for others, but this means not making ‘others’ as the reason or starting point for me to be and do, but place myself first and foremost as my origin, starting point and motivation for and as myself in everything I am and do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to condition my expression through energy, in creating a positive high within myself that I would then try to also trigger or achieve creating in others and then equating others’ response as a proof that ‘my work’ would be successful, that I would be fulfilling a sort of purpose in life where I haven’t really been the origin and starting point of myself, as my expression, but instead have constantly sought an ‘energy kick’ with it, as a positive experience, a self-definition a ‘who I am’ as my expressions, my art, my moves, my body’s look, my intellect and all the things that I came to define myself by in order to make myself ‘special’ at the eyes of others, all of it fueled by the fear of not being noticed, being a wallflower, being rejected, being ignored which has given me a ‘bad or negative experience’ within me that I sought to avoid every single time by ‘pushing more’ to be outstanding, special, unique at my eyes and the eyes of others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself based on ‘what I do’ instead of who I am in what I do, which means if who I am is genuinely me living as principles in oneness and equality, this in no way means I am being so ‘for others’ but I am the starting point of it all as myself, for myself, which at the same time becomes a by default example for others to consider doing for themselves, trusting ourselves in who we are and what we do and for once and for all take ‘others’ eyes’ off of our minds whenever we are doing, living, expressing and learn what it is to stand on our ground as unconditional self-expression, without expectations.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to having conditioned myself to motivate me to move, express and create based on how much I would get ‘from others’ as attention, appreciation, value of superiority, a sense of specialness, a sense of ‘giving to others a good time’ when in fact I can still express and live and do for myself and share myself with others without an expectation, without seeking approval, without having to ‘out-do’ anything or anyone or ‘excelling’ at something for the sake of a point of self-image, but instead entirely do it as my self-expression.

I forgive myself that I have conditioned myself to be a ‘performer’ of sorts where I molded my expression to constantly create a ‘good impression’ on others in order to be liked, accepted, valued, considered special which was all motivated by fear of being ignored, being ‘the odd one’, not being ‘as good as’ and for example this stands in relation to my sisters and how as a young child I saw them as ‘the ever present shadows’ that I had to overcome, which led me to also become ‘the rebel’ in the family and part ways in many ideas, ways of presenting ourselves and actions in order for me to keep having my own ‘niche’ as my own ‘unique expression’ that would ‘stand out’ still as a self-definition of uniqueness, specialness, importance of sorts – instead of realizing that I simply became the polar opposite in order to not have to be ‘competing’ with them in their own ways, but ‘create my own standards’ in which I could ‘rule’ and not have anyone ‘near me’ that I could be compared to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I constantly have to ‘present’ myself in a particular way towards others in order to create good impressions and in this it’s not like I don’t have to ‘care at all’ either, but it is a matter of shifting the starting point of what I do and who I am, from doing it ‘for others’ or ‘at others’ to doing it as myself, as an expression of who I am, regardless of how it is perceived by others – of course doing so as an expression of common sense, meaning without ‘antagonisms’ or ‘excesses’ that would still be an expression of ego.

In this, If I am standing for what’s best for all and oneness and equality, the moment that I live this as myself, for myself, I am at the same time living a potential that we all have as ourselves as life and that is far more empowering because then we are not dependent on others ‘to be’ or ‘express’ but we just are, live and do, be the best versions of ourselves as a personal decision and principle.

This then can be a solution for many ways and forms of separation that we’ve created when we see ourselves through the eyes of others, when we believe that we can be ‘superior or inferior’ to others, where we believe that some people are ‘special’ and some are not, when all that in fact defines us is who we are as ourselves, for ourselves, what we do or don’t do in every moment in our thoughts, words and deeds as our expression, which yes inevitably ends up being part of everyone else’s life at the same time.

Therefore if we are the best that we can for ourselves as individuals, then one by one we will stand in that genuine individuality that can exist and flourish in equality at the same time, no more playing games of competition, rivalry, values based on appearance, personalities and the rest of the ‘system values of performance’ but instead, we will be creating the kind of human beings that live and express as life, as who everyone is and can be if we all live this process of self-awareness and self-creation in equality and oneness.

The word to live here is Independence and Self Trust in expression, it’s about standing as my expression as my decision, for myself, uncompromised yet common sensical, supportive, to nurture myself, to expand myself beyond values, positive or negative experiences or triggering experiences in others. This is beyond definition, yet in consideration of what’s best for myself and so all in equality.

 

Thanks for reading

 

 

Join in the Process of Life


472. Humbleness in Process

Or how to stop the recreation of consciousness values while walking the process from consciousness to living awareness.

I was having a conversation with my partner about the importance of being humble in this process wherein it can happen that upon making the decision of changing oneself to align to the principles of life in equality, oneness and what’s best for all, one can tend to see oneself as ‘better than the rest’ of the people, superior due to knowing certain information and having an awareness of tools for self-support that yes, can in fact be a complete life changing point. However we often forget how by deciding to walk this process from consciousness to awareness, we are not becoming something ‘more’ or ‘superior’ in any way – it is in fact only re-aligning ourselves to what we could have always been like if we hadn’t stepped into a relationship of separation/inequality between one another and creating the plethora of illusory values (superior/inferior, more or less than, better/worse, good/bad) that we’ve now made very real because of our acceptance and allowance of them as ‘who we are.’

We were discussing how it is not supportive at all to take a position of being on a high horse when one is able to transcend something, to change something in oneself successfully and believe that one then has the authority to call others out for not doing so, or expecting others to do the same and patronizing others essentially when not following the same route. I definitely agree, this is all ego-based/consciousness reactions of better/worse, superior/inferior and comparison mode that leads us to only recreate the same kind of systems, patterns and tendencies that already exist in this world, where we value people more or less based on ‘what they know’ or ‘the decisions they make’ in their lives.

Reflecting on this, I’ve seen myself living that pattern out even if it is in very subtle manner where a part of me sees that I have a certain authority over another when it comes to pointing out something, having to explain another what exactly it is that I see or assess they are doing wrong or should do instead. But, in my own relationship this has been a pattern that I’ve had to first become aware of through being made aware of it and so learn to stop myself from acting on this ‘impulse’ that emerges – read energy – that wants to point out ‘what should be done’ or ‘what’s wrong’ in someone else’s life/situation.

This is certainly one of those things I completely ‘have become’ that it’s hard for me to see it. It’s no different to when in the past, I used to take pride of apparently understanding things better, faster, cultivating some kind of intellect to create a form of superiority to in essence judge/criticize everything of this world-system and the actors in it as ‘less than myself’ because I could explain their flaws and problems – or so I made myself believe, lol. What happens is that I used to justify doing this within a righteousness of doing so in the name of creating a form of betterment, that I could stand ‘for the people’ someday in my life Against those that underestimated us – that type of personality was very strong in me, a ‘savior’ and ‘justice maker’ type of person.

What I missed in this type of mentality and so personality is that my whole starting point of wanting to ‘be superior’ was masked with a good intention = helping people, showing the way, leading people to understand what’s wrong in this world – while in fact not wanting to admit to myself that my starting point was that of being in inferiority, perceiving that I had to ‘overcome’ those perceived authorities I accepted and allowed myself to portray as ‘the enemy’ that ‘I/we had to stand up to’.

Yet because of coloring it/valuing it in these ‘positive’ ways like saying it is in the name of justice and doing something commendable ‘for the people,’ or ‘to wake others up,’ I completely numbed myself from really asking myself ‘who am I’ in this role of enlarging my intellect for the sake of having sufficient ‘wits’ to apparently ‘outwit’ others in the name of some common benefit? Makes no sense, it defeats the whole purpose to begin with as I would be recreating the same pattern of ‘the masters and slaves’, the superior and inferior in my own attitude towards others that – to begin with – I believed I had to save, teach, show the way to, which in fact disables anyone from creating their own resolve and ‘make up their own mind’ about what they see is their way, path and process. Therefore such stance I was taking recreated the same antagonism and inequality that I was supposedly attempting to ‘stand up’ from, while inadvertently limiting others from taking responsibility for themselves at the same time.

 

 I’ve seen throughout this process how even if I have stopped such personality within myself of aggrandizing my ego through intellect or antagonism toward ‘the enemy’ out there as the system, this same tendency can seep through now taking this very process from consciousness to awareness into an ego-field where one can start building up say a ‘new ego’ personality based on ‘being walking this process’ or having a particular awareness developed over time that one could perceive makes us better/more than others, when this is of course not in fact so.

The key word to prevent oneself from falling into the ego trap of ‘feeling superior because of walking process’ or ‘because of knowing/being aware of all of these facts about reality and tools of self-support’ is in fact Humbleness. And this is what I go realizing every day that I go learning how to express and share myself when writing these blogs, when talking to people, when assisting people in their own same process, this word Humbleness is a key element for me to continue cultivating it and applying it/practicing whenever I see that there’s a surge of ‘taking pride on’ any point of awareness or ‘achievement’ in whichever form within my personal process or life.

What I do instead is to eat my ego words up, lol. It’s a way that I’ve learned to refrain myself from expressing words in the form of boasting about something and realizing that if my intent of saying it was only to create a competition, create a ‘race’ against others, or place myself in my imaginary pedestal – then I have to keep it to myself and make it sufficient that I am aware of what I see, what I am working on or have worked on and instead of seeing my way as the ‘ultimate way’ or ‘better’ or any of that type of comparison/competition, I direct myself to learn more from others, to realize that there is a never ending – most likely – process of learning from one another in this life and in the next ones.

With understanding the many possible ways that we can expand ourselves beyond the very limited ego-values of judging/perceiving something or someone as more or less or superior and inferior, etc. we can jump into the realization that this process is about aligning oneself to principles  of how we could have always lived by from the very beginning of our existence.

So it definitely isn’t about becoming ‘superior’ in the values that we currently hold in global consciousness where we grade ourselves with numbers and positions and money or reputations – it is about making decisions to become individuals that honor the life that is in all of us in thought, word and deed, seeing it as a move and decision that we could – and dare I say here should-  have applied a long time ago, doing what we were supposed to have done from the get go, but only now we are waking up to realize it.

Therefore one can visualize it as in getting back to the original path while having gone astray for far too long – there’s nothing ‘superior’ in incorporating oneself to another path, it is more like becoming aware of and deciding to act on that responsibility that we all have by the very fact of being alive, and so live this decision in humbleness. There’s nothing to take pride of in this, really, and my personal point to learn in this is precisely to not patronize, to not be generating any sort of ‘superiority’ for deciding to walk this path, but the other way around, keep cultivating humbleness and keep challenging myself to expand beyond ‘me’ all the time, to consider other people, their processes, the multiple ways of assisting each other as well – because we all are in this process, no matter if we are aware of it or not – their lives, their experiences, their expressions and individuality.

I have to focus on myself and not try and ‘impose’ anything onto anyone, I can only ever share my example and by doing so, not expect any result of that, not to expect any direct and visible outcome from ‘me sharing myself’ but doing so unconditionally as an act of understanding, of standing in principles and remaining very aware that I am not in any way subtly feeding ‘an ego’ about doing so, because it would defeat the whole purpose of this process to begin with.  And yes, it is a constant thing to do in my case since my familiar patterns indicate that we had existed in a long history of inferiority that sought superiority through boasting about things, through seeking recognition, through playing the ‘superior’ one in any possible way – which only indicates a vast existence in inferiority that seeks to become ‘more’ in any form or way of values that we have all collectively accepted and allowed as something ‘real’.

The only real value is life and it exists in all of us as a potential for us to realize it, recognize it and walk it as who we are in every moment. Each one’s path, ways of living it and outcomes will always be unique as it is part of an individual’s expression, lifetime, experiences, positioning and location in each one’s reality and decisions – and so, I’ve got to learn to embrace that as it is, as it expresses – no more and no less, and make sure that any time I see my subtle diminishment of someone’s expression, ways of walking their own process, ways of applying themselves as ‘less than’ or ‘wrong’ or ‘not as good as’ I stop myself and I remind myself to live humbleness and consideration, because that way I can learn to embrace another’s life and process as an extension of myself that I can get to know more of, learn from and if it is in my ability to do so, be able to assist in any way that is possible – not from ‘top to bottom’ type of hierarchical perception, but as equals, learning from one another in a symbiotic relationship.

This approach has definitely been assisting me to grow as a person in fact every single time that I get to learn from others on how to best assist oneself and so others in their own process, and I do insist here on how if we can transform our relationships from one another to best get to know ourselves and create ways to change our lives to live principles that honor our very own lives, we can definitely change who we are as humans in this world, no doubt about it.

As a last word, I can only speak from my own experience and I can only share of the multiple benefits that I’ve been realizing exist as a potential in all of us and that I’m continuing to test out, apply, learn from and live in my reality – we can all give ourselves a chance to test it out, to start cultivating some self-awareness, to decide to improve oneself even if it is in very simple ways, bit by bit –every effort done in the realization of becoming part of this emerging change in reality is another part and bit of ourselves that decided to align with life, standing in equality where there’s no more or less or better or worse, we are then no longer defined by the bipolar nature of consciousness values and egotistical scales – we simply decide to live as life, as equals  while remaining unique and individual.

Thanks for reading

 

Recommended support:

  1. Humble & Considerate
  2. Humble, Considerate & Godhood
  3. Redefining Humble & Considerate

 

Humble Me

 

Check out these great sites for self support and self development :


464.Changing My World View

Or how I stopped feeding a back door/way out or ‘quick fix’ belief in my reality

 

A continuation on:

454. Embracing Living Potentials

 

There’s something interesting that I’ve noticed not only in myself but through and walking with various individuals I also have the opportunity to assist and support, and that is how much of our own way of looking at thing in our reality, our lives changes as we go walking through our minds which means, understanding ourselves better, getting to know the nooks and crannies of ourselves in terms of how we think, why we experience ourselves in a certain manner in certain situations, what motivates us, what we have accepted and allowed ourselves to fear, to desire, to procrastinate, to hold on to in various ways… it can be endless to get to know us to the T in all aspects. However the more that I’ve gotten to do this and worked through with myself not only to understand me, but to also directly work on changing these aspects, what tends to change as well is the way that we see the world, see our lives and so the way that we experience ourselves in it all.

I can identify with many people I work with where our minds usually tended to look for the pessimistic, fatalist and all-destructive outcomes as a sort of a desired outcome for humanity, believing that it’s the way to do justice to the Earth and Life and all other sentient beings that are not humans. However as much as this could be an acceptable idea, I also had to acknowledge and recognize the fact that a part of me actually was giving up on myself and on everyone else’s potential to change, which translates the whole point of ‘wanting an Armageddon or ultimate self-destruction’ in wanting the ‘easy way out’ while believing this is only fair to Life, that it’s fair to the animals, that it’s fair to nature etc.

Well, once that I understood my own desire to ‘run away’ from reality and justifying it within these seemingly irrefutable facts above, I stopped advocating such ideas in my head and it wasn’t something easy to stop identifying myself with, because as long as I held to my reasons, justifications and blame toward all of us humans for creating the world system ‘as is’ and causing so much destruction and suffering towards what’s here, I was focusing only on the idea of doing what seems right or fair as a form of vendetta that life could take on us, and me accepting it in a form of apparent martyrdom, lol – but more and more I started realizing that I in fact liked to entertain those thoughts of imminent destructions because in reality, I wanted an easy way out of our responsibility that we all hold and have to what is here as our creation, which is this whole world as is.

How do I see that I’ve been slowly but surely changing this approach is based on how I interact with reality. A daily example is how I watch or read news everyday as I’ve shared before in blogs, and how I continually work on not allowing information ‘get a hold of me’ and so driving myself to feed again that self-destructive or ‘end of the world’ type of desire, which became even a sort of experience at an energetic level where a part of me would be really wishing everything to just go wrong and end ‘asap’.

Here what happens when not entertaining those ‘easy way out through destruction’ thoughts any longer and making peace with the realization that: we are not going anywhere, we are here to build the solutions from the ground up, bit by bit, no matter how ‘long’ or how ‘hard’ it may seem, there is like a point of ‘making peace’ with who I am, with what is here as our reality, with what we’ve become as human beings and so instead of continually being existing in friction and conflict towards ‘us’ as the creators of what is here, ‘building my case’ to kind of ‘prove to life’ that ‘we are not worthy as human beings, that we should be eradicated from the face of the earth ASAP’, I have been instead focusing more on seeing where I can start, where do we have to start as human beings to build sustainable solutions from the ground up, and this starts at a very individual level really, which is why I and many others are focusing on this level of self-awareness and so self-creation along with others to understand how is it that as we all go changing one by one, long lasting external changes will invariably also be created as a result of this individual self-change.

With this I am implying how my way of looking at things changed from destruction to creation. I am more grounded and realistic, more ‘here’ in the sense of embracing and accepting what is existent as ourselves, as this world – not to leave it ‘as is’ of course, but to simply stop continually fighting it in a silent yet continuous mode and I can definitely say that this continuous inner fight projected on the ‘outside’ leads nowhere other than procrastinating the real process of self-change that we can start by and with ourselves first. In short, I stopped ‘blaming’ and instead focused more on starting with changing this very aspect of ‘blaming’ and projecting my own experiences onto ‘the world out there’ – self responsibility first of all.

I find it somehow easier to see reality for what it is, to go stopping the judgments that I would usually entertain and feed within the idea of still building a case as to why we are just ‘lost’ and ‘without a remedy therefore we should just cease to exist’, seeing ourselves – human beings – as a cosmic joke, a mistake that should have never been and it is this kind of experiences of disgust, misanthropy in a way and a deep desire to just ‘end it all’ that would continually cloud my view of reality even in subtle yet ever present ways that would be creating this noise for me to not be able to see the potential in me and so in others in a full and crystal clear manner, because there were these constant back doors within me as seemingly ‘hidden desires’ for a ‘quick fix’ really, a way to just ‘end it all’ and not have to face the actual process of learning to recognize and take responsibility for our creation, to understand what is it that we’ve exactly accepted and allowed and so be willing to self forgive, let go of that past and do the work to actually change ourselves to something that we can live with and stand by for the rest of our existence.

Here it’s clear for me to see that one can have the greatest understanding of things and be agreeing with principles and ideas that represent a better outcome for all life, but I saw myself how as long as I held on to these ‘backdoors’ as ‘way outs’ that I still held as something that ‘makes sense’ that is ‘justifiable’ and is an ‘acceptable’ thing to exist within me, I would still eventually exert those beliefs as experiences and judgments that I would project onto ‘humanity’ out there. It’s interesting because I didn’t create a particular ‘personal fight’ against a particular faction of human beings, but all of them/us ‘en masse’ and so whenever doing that exercise where one can bring up the first word that comes to mind when holding in our minds an image of humanity, all that came up in me was an experience I can encompass as disdain, despair, disappointment, disgust, things that represented that part of myself that was not yet seeing the potential that each one of us hold within ourselves, which is of course yet to be developed.

So, upon walking those judgments that would turn into experiences that I would project towards ‘humanity’, I realized how I was only doing what most of us human beings do: blame, being lame in seeing others as ‘the problem’ for what we are experiencing, which as much as I could have reasons and validations for this experience with me based on the, yes, obvious destruction and enslavement we’ve imposed to all life, I had to also realize that there is really no point in blaming as that only keeps me locked into this fatalist experience, seeing no potentials in other beings – therefore within myself – and at the same time, it becomes a comfort zone to not actually change me, challenge me, my views because I believe that ‘I am right, I am making a point with those desires!’ – but that righteousness is precisely what easily blinds us from understanding where we are in fact still reacting, still blaming  – even in very subtle ways – like in the form of ‘doing justice’ or ‘doing what’s right’ yet still holding such experience within me that came from a starting point of giving up, of not wanting to do the actual work and dedication it will take to sort anything out in this world, starting with ourselves.

Therefore, I find it very relevant to check every time that I see myself getting again into that ‘despondent’ experience within me, where I start again building my ‘web’ or my case for seeing ‘no way out’ for us as human beings, which can be as easily as going into the streets and making a mind-decision to focus more on all the things that are wrong, that are consequential, that are creating problems, all the interactions between people that seem problematic and emotional, all the poverty, all the disregard for one another and go building my case as to why it is futile to stand up for any change because ‘look at humanity! It’s impossible!’ Really?

I’ll dare to say nope, it’s not – because I am living this change myself and I am walking it in a very real time process with people in my life that many others could have probably given up on long ago, which is still a process to walk but every day It assists me in seeing what is possible in real time change, only requiring a directive decision and awareness by each one of us to do so, and it’s quite marvelous and I can say for the first time this is not only me doing it in my own life, but also seeing it first hand in the lives of many that I also have the fortune to be walking with in this process and assisting directly as well in their personal Desteni I Process courses.

So whenever I get to feel ‘despondent’ towards the things out there in the world, whenever I get to feel that way in ‘rough times’ I can now use yesterday’s word and remind myself of Hope as an indication that my experience is letting me know there are new ways to explore to create solutions, there is a need to check within myself where is it that I am giving up and so how can I practically create ways through and solutions to the situation I am in or that I can contribute to in the lives of others.

I can therefore openly say that we are the hope for humanity, for real, because we are actively working individually and together in many parts around the world to start one by one creating and sticking to living this self-change that for many that have come and gone, seemed impossible. I definitely can understand all the reasons of why some decided to not follow through with it, I can understand every weakness that leads oneself to make such decisions because in one way or another, I’ve faced those myself in many ways including intense manners as well. But I am also glad to say that those were supportive challenges for me to continually re-affirm my vow to my life and the life in everything/us all – they have been parts of what I can call ‘the eye of the needle’ tests that I’m sure I’ll have to keep on walking through because this is only what is common sensical to do if we are to stand as individuals that can truly stand one and equal to life in all ways, I would not allow half-ways or dubious selves to be part of it.

This is then a realization and sharing of one of  my most tricky, yet ever present, obstacles that I have been able to ‘crackdown’ within myself in the past few months, and it’s quite a lol as well because it’s that which I had become or ‘lived’ within myself to such an extent that I was not even questioning such ‘nature’ in me as this character or set of patterns that saw ‘no way out’ but still found it important to stick to walking this process, while I was still holding on to a part of my easy-way-out ego that preferred to not see potential so as to not have to do the actual work to unearth it, ‘carve it out’, sculpt it and polish it so to speak, which means to actually develop and create something. In essence, diminishing myself in the belief that I could not ‘keep up with’ or be able to stick through the actual process to do this, but here I am going to challenge and prove that self-belief wrong by doing this for real.

This year is coming to an end and as much as it is funny to see people in social media ‘hating’ 2016, I more like understand where that sentiment is coming from, and as much as I could have joined that same charade in older times, I stand corrected with gratefulness for all the various challenges and changes and definitive decisions I took on this year which were quite a few, all of them having their ‘2 cents’ forcing me to look at deeper within me in order to process stuff, to change, which is great I mean, how else could I have gotten to that if it wasn’t for these challenges in our reality?

So, one thing is certain and that is how I definitely don’t see the world as I used to at the beginning of this year, I am committing myself to keep developing that focus on potential, on what is possible, on what can be worked on, carved out, sculpted and polish in each one of us and it’s truly gratifying to do this, I cannot be more grateful than being able to have the trust and confidence of other people walking this process directly with me as assisting them in walking through this same process in a parallel mode with myself, which is definitely not only a ‘one way’ form of support, it’s absolutely mutual as well. I definitely would like us all human beings to be able to do this for each other, to create relationships of support, care, nurturing each other’s lives and having that starting point of being there for each other, genuinely care to contribute in someone’s life to be better in whichever way we can, that’s what to me life is about, at least my current definition of course, but has certainly become one of my living purposes without a doubt.

Looking back to ‘check ourselves’ is cool and to keep a note on all the points yet to be worked on in the following year.

Thanks for reading aaand

Please give yourself some time to hear this awesome episode of Desteni Radio that definitely inspired and evoked this reflection within me today:

 

Desteni Radio # 10 – Joe Goes Mad Part 2: There is no Quick Fix

 

and a great quote from it:

 

Joe

 

If you’d like some support in preventing and being 1+ person that stands up for life in a practical day to day living manner, check out:


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