Category Archives: Deconstruction of Self

597. Embracing My Mind

Be humble in your relationship to the mind, humbleness meaning to walk it in understanding and consideration, it’s like this beast that you gotta tame. And approaching the beast with an attacking egotistical superiority is going to just unsettle it even more, so take it easy, walk it slowly but surely, take it day by day, breath by breath. And if anything, your process in your relationship to energy, especially in your daily participation is something I would really focus on because it is primarily through energy and energy experience that the mind gets you. That consciousness will move your awareness from the physical into the mind, it uses energy.” Mykey – Demons in the Afterlife – Part 11

 

I’m going to open up some points and realizations and practical test-outs that I’ve gathered from various sources like Mykey’s description above of the humbleness required in our relationship with our mind, and the description of how we’ve been fighting against stress in our lives while also not challenging ourselves explained in this Eqafe.com interview Senility, Dementia, and Alzheimer’s (Part 2) – Psychological & Physical Disorders – as well as seeing a picture of one of my favorite artists/singers with a caption saying ‘Embrace the mess that you are’ and also some of Ido Portal’s interview which I’m also enjoying quite a bit because there are a lot of points that open up parallels to walking this mind-being-body process as well, which relate to the form of movement that we have to also create in order to develop anything, to change anything, to challenge ourselves and the effort, consistency, discipline it takes to do so.

Something that we tend to do is fight those aspects that we dislike of ourselves, or become uncomfortable with getting to acknowledge the ‘truth’ of ourselves as the reality, of that which we’ve become but that we’ve become so used to masking, disguising in all kinds of ways to make it seem ‘better’ in our eyes than what it is – and this is mostly because of wanting to keep a certain ‘idea’ of ourselves as perfect, flawless, never wrong, always right, honorable, ‘immaculate’ and so forth, well at least these are some of the ideas I’ve had to debunk about myself which were the perfect ‘shields’ for me to not even question certain things or experiences about me that I actually was wanting to hold on to because of the ‘pleasure’ I derived from them in a very ‘sneaky’ manner so to speak.

Though interestingly enough I’ve found that the more I get ‘down and dirty’ with myself in all kinds of ways – yep don’t allow your mind to run rampant with that idea though! – I find that I become the most comfortable, more raw and honest with myself where I have been throughout this past year – more so than ever before – being really willing to let go of this ‘effigy’ I had created about me/who I am or what I seem ‘to be for others’ which was a huge thing in me as well, like having this idea of myself as a ‘politician’ in a way that had to keep a certain image at all times.

I now know exactly where this comes from – as a result of the many writings about it to open this point up – and how I developed this idea of self, which has to do with yes having been taught to behave a certain ways in certain social contexts and seeing how my family would relate to others etc. And here it’s just an acknowledgement, not at all judging or blaming, but an understanding – and so what I became was this very stiff, rigid, inflexible, ever ‘strong’ version of myself that had to appear in a certain manner all the time – and this goes as far as my first ‘big contact’ with peers in the first day of school in wanting to take on this idea of myself as strong, not weak, superior, ‘not showing emotions’ and all kinds of things that of course now I’ve been able to identify and so decide to open up myself more and share who I am in a vulnerable, natural, open, raw version of myself that to say the least has become a very enjoyable process to integrate as myself and so share with others in my life too.

I was talking with a friend the other day and he mentioned how he had this very shocking dream where he had killed someone and everyone noticed that ‘the killed person’ was missing and he started to get very stressed out and fearful about the idea of having the corpse in a bag and not being able to do anything with it, not being able to compress the body of evidence into non-existence. He freaked out about the images, the scene, the very ‘act of killing’ itself, so I suggested to not dwell on the imagery of it, the gory details of it so to speak, but to focus on his experience, which is that of suddenly becoming aware of what he had done, trying to hide it, getting fearful about facing consequence, being caught by others, eventually maybe having to admit having done such a thing (in the dream of course) and I simply suggested to take it back to himself to see/write out where in his life is he having this kind of experience towards some parts of him that he is fearing to admit, to see, to embrace. I left it at that. He is on his 21 days of stopping smoking weed and of course suppressions are popping up and I understand how that kind of changes can suddenly open up Pandora’s box within self, but it’s quite cool to know that he’s taking on the writing as a source of self-reference.  Though I could notice there was some fear, disgust, aghast experience about the dream, where he then became more unsettled about such ‘truth’ of himself that he might not even be aware of instead of simply getting to know himself, to understand it, which is also part of being humble to our minds, our truth, ourselves: not to fear it or resist it, but embrace it with all its ‘doom and gloom’ in it, we created it so there’s nothing to ‘fear’ in it, nothing is really ‘unknown’ to us, only out of our awareness.

I also watched a documentary about a band and how they said they had to become ‘fearless’ in their way to continue walking their lengthy career, having some pivotal changes in their lineup, having ‘core members’ leaving, having rejection towards the new members, testing out new things but their decision to persevere, keep going no matter what has turned them into a long-standing band with some 30 years of history now behind them, which is quite a merit and example for many more as well.

The word ‘fearlessness’ was mentioned a few times and it stuck with me, which is also something Ido explains is a very normal function in humans – practical fears enable us to survive, to be aware, cautious, make decisions to ‘keep ourselves alive’ of course – however there’s also the point of being taken over by fear completely nowadays where we’ve allowed it to override everything we are and do, to the point that we are now limiting ourselves extensively because of fearing ourselves and each other… a world dominated by fear in fact.

So, in this process of self-change, self-awareness, self-creation I find it very supportive to walk a process of self-forgiveness in order to identify all those things that we fear about ourselves. I remember writing out each and every other fear I had in my mind in the beginning of my process, man, the list was immense but I knew I was a very fearful person – and I am continuing walking through them – but the point here is admitting to oneself those fears, deliberately creating that acceptance and comfort of the ‘uncomfortable’ at first, admitting to oneself those actual thoughts, words and deeds that we have defined as bad, evil, wrong and Embrace them.

This is a keyword right here, to Embrace myself because the actual living of the word implies I cannot judge it, compare it, define the totality of myself in relation to ‘a few points’ that I become aware of – I instead write it out to understand it, to get to know ‘how’ and ‘why’ I became such personalities, patterns, experiences within me, what was it within me that enabled that and within doing so, I am more taking a position of learning about myself, observing myself yet not creating a reaction to it and making it personal. Sure, it’s not as easy as it sounds, it has taken me years to walk through certain points that I was quite ashamed of myself to even ‘talk about’ to myself about them and through sharing about them openly with a few people, it has assisted me to also let go of the ‘hold’ I had towards it all as something that I apparently could ‘never forgive myself for.’

Of course in that it is to be considerate of who we share with such very personal points, always in common sense, but I find it very supportive to have someone in your life with whom you can open up and lay those points out in writing, in conversations, creating that safe space for self-support in relationships which is one of the benefits we have as human beings to create, develop and nurture each other within the context of relationships where two or more beings decide to share themselves, open themselves in order to assist each other in that very personal process of self-creation and self-change.

And if this is something that is not yet ‘here’ as a potential for you to be comfortable with in terms of opening up with others, then it means that there’s some self-work to first do within self, to start developing that self-relationship first, and to me this came through writing within a self-honest starting point which means pushing through to see the ‘truth’ of myself, even if I wanted to hide behind my chair to not type it out or see it ‘for what it is’, pushing through to lay it out and embrace those things I was ashamed for in my life, all those things I thought would leave me ‘powerless’ or ‘losing my mojo’ in a way lol, or where I believed I would become this ‘lifeless being’ if giving up my craving for certain things that gave me an ‘energy high,’ which I ended up realizing where actually the chains and shackles I had enslaved myself to as ‘reasons to live’ or ‘points of motivation’ in separation of myself.

I decided to place myself through all of those uncomfortable spots through writing, through being honest with myself and all I can say is that the ‘bitter taste’ is only momentary, the rest of what one gets out of the box and opened up creates an actual ‘flow’ within oneself. It’s as if bit by bit I went ‘disentangling’ myself from my plethora of fears, judgments, limitations – and still am doing so – and with each point I went opening up, it was like opening up a window to let the air flow, or digging more ground for a river to flow wider… that kind of ‘liberation’ in fact, which I was reflecting about yesterday with regards to a particular point I tested myself with in letting go of something that I had to admit would give me an ‘energy high’ and within doing the actual change and decision to ‘let go of it’ in that moment, I realized that I was apparently letting go of a very automated ‘fix’ I had created in particular contexts, but I reminded myself instead of the actual integrity, self-respect, honor that I created instead for myself in that moment and towards others implied in the situation as well.

What did I have to practically do? Instead of fearing placing myself in such ‘tempting’ position so to speak, I decided to create it, to embrace myself in that moment and learn to see ‘who I am’ in that moment. I saw the energy movement taking a position in my body, I saw how the justifications opened up in order to ‘go for it’, I saw how ‘natural’ this had become for me to act on this experience without giving ‘too much thought’ into it before – and it was quite fascinating to stand in that point in the moment and what I practically did was the following:

– I decided to consider the consequential outflows of me acting out on this ‘impulse’ I had which I became aware of was existing as energy, there was no substance to it, just an ‘impulse’ that If I had given too many thoughts into it, I would have ended up convincing myself of just ‘doing it’ or ‘going for it’ – neverminding the outflows, the aftermath and consequence which is what I decided to remind myself of in that moment in order to not ‘go for it’ or not ‘move’ myself under the influence of this impulse/energy as desire.

It was quite cool because I was able to see it, stand in it, feel how it ‘feels’ and feel how I could go either two ways: get myself to heighten the experience if I would have given more of an opening to it or stick to my conscious decision I had laid out before of ‘who I decide to be/do’ in those moments of defined ‘temptation’. Therefore,

– I decided to remind myself that I would not be able to live with myself if I would give into that experience and act on this impulse driven by an energetic experience defined as desire. And within reminding myself of this and how I had essentially made the ‘same mistake’  a few times in the past, I decided to stand strong in my resolve to let go of it, to not ‘go for it,’ to discipline myself to ‘stand my ground’ not as defensive, defiant or antagonistic to my desire, but through having ‘immersed’ myself for a moment in it, seeing, it understanding it, get a ‘feel’ for it as the energy it was where as I said there was no other ‘substance’ to it other than the remembrance of ideas, beliefs of perceptions of ‘acting out on the energy feeling good.’ And that’s it… never ever having considered the actual implications, consequences of acting out on it, what I would cause as conflict or consequences for it, which would eventually lead me to become very dependent of ‘recreating’ the same experience one way or another, becoming subject to an experience, becoming subject to a ‘feeling good’ sensation only – and that’s what I decided to no longer be.

So all of this happened in a couple of minutes and then I decided to breathe myself into stability and fully decide to let it go, to not act on it and physically stabilize myself so that I would no longer be in this ‘heightened’ experience – and even if it ‘kept coming up’ or ‘being triggered,’ I would then repeat some of the above mentioned points of reminding myself of the consequence, of deciding to live honor, integrity, self-respect in those moments which means to me not ‘giving up’ on myself for a fleeting energy, but to test who I am within it, see with clarity the starting point, the context, the factors that I led myself to in order to face such point and then be able to come out on the other side of it having in a way yes ‘tamed,’ controlled, directed myself to not give into it.

See, maybe a few months ago I would have still feared myself in terms of believing I would not have self-control or that I should not even place myself in certain situations, but in a way I created the context and then realized that I can in fact stand and stick to my decisions to not give into this desire and what I gained from that is the satisfaction of having simply done that which is best for all, that which I know creates and expands my integrity, my self-respect and honor to myself and everyone else involved whether they were aware of it or not. And that’s what I decide to make the new matter to me.

Also it was quite cool for me to open this point up and reflect on it, see it within clarity and share it, communicate it as is because it becomes a way to debunk this ‘secret mind’ that I’ve kept for quite some time as ‘who I am’ because of in a way wanting to still hold on to that kind of ‘thrill’ or ‘power’ or ‘experience’ which boils down to energy that in fact tampers with the ability to simply express, enjoy, embrace and appreciate myself and others without attempting to ‘get an energetic experience from it’ – which is what we’ve become very ‘addicted’ to – and instead embrace the interactions in their simplicity, without any hidden agendas, without any ‘suppressions’ either, but simply understanding what comes up as ‘desire’ for example for a particular experience, seeing it, holding it, becoming it for a moment, not fearing to ‘get lost’ in it but keeping the focus on making that crucial decision to let go of it and in that moment decide ‘who I decide to be’ in the face of that experience or ‘temptation’ I created for myself in a way.

And that’s how I would define an experience of ‘embracing’ the whole of myself, not fearing to ‘have no control’ of myself, but to rather use the opportunities, situations, experiences as playgrounds for me to see ‘who I am’ in those situations, in essence creating my own test-drives so to speak to see if my written process and the commitments, corrections and solutions I’ve set for myself are practical enough for me to actually change in that moment.  And I did, it was in me all along, that ability to decide to not go for the ‘quick fix’ of an energetic experience, and seeing once again that I can in fact live beyond that and not really ‘lose’ anything other than an energetic experience, but instead gain self-respect, confidence, self-trust, self-integrity and honesty. In this I am also learning to see interactions with other people without wanting to get a ‘fix’ from it, which had become very underlying and common way to do so before in my life.

Ok! I had a very simple idea to start this blog, I ended up expanding it too much, well, it is what it is, I still find it quite a challenge stay in a few words… maybe I have to stop judging it or trying to ‘battle’ against the extension of these blogs and simply let myself be in it. It is how it is and comes out for now

 

Thanks for reading.

 

Face Your Demons

 

Join us in our process of Self-Expression as LIFE


596. The Gifts of Criticism

Or how to walk from a reaction to criticism towards an acknowledgement, discernment, learning and embracing of it as a way to assist ourselves to grow and develop ourselves to better ourselves in many ways.

I was listening to this documentary IDO PORTAL – JUST MOVE (filmed by London Real) while preparing some canvasses yesterday and it was quite amazing to hear the parallels that can be drawn from walking through this mind-self change process that some of us have been working on for the past 9 years and someone developing physical movement in all sorts of ways in their body in order to ‘master’ themselves, which becomes not so much about the end result, but the process of ‘mastering the craft’ as Ido says.

To begin with, this documentary or ‘topic’ is something that I would not have been ‘interested’ on years ago, yet the more I saw the name of this guy being shared around within the London Real channel, the more I got curious about it and this recently released documentary is quite a recommended and enjoyable thing to watch because it’s an awesome confirmation of many of the principles and ‘tests’ I’ve gone through in my own life within developing things I thought I would ‘never do’ and in general within this process of self-change – or dare I say the ‘reinvention’ process of myself.

There are many, many points that are valuable in it and it serves as a great source to cross-reference ‘who one is’ in relation to what Ido shares, however one that got my attention is where he speaks about criticism, which you can watch/hear here https://youtu.be/qJDz7qHBGQg?t=53m14s and there are a few points that I want to take on and write out because I consider that many times, for anyone starting to do something new, or doing something ‘for the first time’ or completely ‘out of the box’ of ‘normalcy’ in this world  – which easily can be associated with embarking oneself in this process of developing self-awareness and self-forgiveness and getting to change in our day to day living – can seem like a daunting task, something that one is ‘never ready for’ and sometimes we allow criticism to ‘overpower’ ourselves if we start reacting to our own ‘beliefs’ about not being able to do it, or about others’ sudden rather ‘harsh’ input in how we are doing things or how we are ‘changing,’ not questioning what of ourselves can be ‘hurt’ by criticism.

Many times throughout sharing my vlogs related to this process on YouTube I learned to read the worst of the worst kind of criticism, trolling and bullying that you can imagine: judging everything about my voice and the way that I speak, how I look, how wrong I am in my statements, how they wish I would die or how I should go kill myself.. all kinds of stuff, not worth mentioning or typing here really, but you get the idea.

Of course the initial experience for most people is to react and go into defense mode, try and ‘win against’ those that bully/troll in that sense, but in my case I also learned to start seeing where such words reflected back to the person that expressed them – and other times being able to humbly recognize they were truly supportive feedback even if myself/my ego didn’t like it, because they enabled me to look at myself, my stance, the way I spoke and start questioning the righteousness in my ‘intellectualism’ that I many times shared in my YouTube videos as ‘this is how things are and that’s it’ – lol, the ‘fascist me’ as I call it – which led me to in fact question in a very honest manner towards me: what is it about myself and my expression that is being shared from a starting point of fear: fear of being told I’m wrong, fear of receiving criticism, fear of being seen as weak, fear of not being credible enough… all those fears were there, so what did I do next? I then worked on really seeing what of ‘my ego’ can be hurt through criticism, writing it out, self-forgiving it and applying a humbleness and understanding to it, while of course practically not allowing the ‘overwhelming’ experience criticism can create to take me for a ride, which sure can be difficult but, any process of change involves that kind of challenge and resistance and difficulty, hence my suggestion to watch Ido’s documentary as well who explains this beautifully.

I grew up being a child that was mostly praised by adults and at times hated/envied/bullied by my peers, because it seems we like to destroy that which is in any way perceived as being ‘ahead of us’ and through the support of my mother in those days, I learned to grow a ‘thick skin’ to it and realize that whatever others said or did towards me spoke more about ‘who they are’ not about ‘me’ in essence, and started to learn to ‘take the heat’ so to speak, though not really yet learning to ‘reflect’ on such criticism or learning to ‘discern’ things, which eventually took me to create a certain ‘defensive stance’ that was still ‘here’ within me not until long ago.  

However I have also been on the other side of the coin, where I have craved feedback, I have craved criticism from those that know me best and so far only one person keeps having the guts to let me know where I am still being ‘taken over’ by myself in my ego/mind patterns, which is my mother and I’m grateful for that because it is so that only those that have known you for such a long time can really have a stand point to let you know where you are ‘losing your ground’ in any given moment.

Many times I have asked partners and friends to let me know when I am losing my ground, where I am becoming a ‘problem’ about something, where I am being righteous, where I am being one-dimensional or ‘tunnel visioned’ about something and I’m also grateful that I’ve had such wake up calls from them and other people here and there, but ultimately I realize that no one has the ‘imperative’ duty to let me know all of these things, that I can also get to see these points for myself when observing me in self-honesty as ‘who I am’ in the words I write, in how I express, in what I create, in how I decide to work and do things… it becomes a self-evident measure which then I use as a way to develop self-trust so that even if those that I’ve come to ‘trust’ the most can come at me with certain criticism, I can know and be honest with myself about it being a fact or being a perception or interpretation coming from them – and that’s where self-honesty is the key to see ‘who am I’ in the eye of criticism.

To me facing, dealing with, reading, listening, getting to know of criticism about myself has been one of the most challenging yet most supportive points in my life, and not long ago I was still fearing how certain people would ‘see me’ based on certain decisions I’ve made in my life and through walking through the fears of that ‘potential criticism’ I’ve realized one thing: the worst only critic exists within myself, I am the only one that can allow myself to be ‘affected’ by words, I am the only one that can accept and allow a certain word to cause an effect within me, and you know what? If it does, then, that’s actually quite great! How else would I know that I am still holding on to an ‘idea’ of myself as ‘untouchable’ or ‘superior’ or where I am still standing in inferiority to a word, a concept, an idea if no one would dare to come at me with certain words of criticism? And here’s an awesome audio that opens this up nicely as well and that I recommend having a listen to: Who Are You When Challenged – The Future of Awareness – Part 91

 

If anything, I actually would like to get more feedback in whatever I do and am, because in that it doesn’t mean that I have to change myself to be what others want me to be, it doesn’t mean that what others say will be ‘right,’ but because I can always learn something from anything that anyone has to say about me – either about separating the wheat from the chaff as they say as in taking what I can test out/apply/try out as a way to expand myself and test ‘new ways’ discerning what’s supportive and what’s plain backchat/reactions coming from others and ‘who they are’ towards someone that maybe is projected as a reaction to the challenges experienced through my doings/expression, or where one becomes a ‘boxing bag’ for them to blame for everything they can be dissatisfied for in their own lives… both and possibly many more reasons and starting points may exist in criticism.

I’ve done such kind of criticism as well, in fact I was sharing with an old friend yesterday how I was ‘wired’ to be constantly criticizing everything and everyone, which is the same as judging or creating ‘beliefs’ about anything that’s ‘out there’ of course within that ‘vantage’ point of seeing my judgments as right and just… lol the typical self-delusion. And so how it took me a process to really get down from my ‘high horse’ and start to truly hear/read/see criticism from others towards myself as a supportive process for me to ‘see me through the eyes of others’ and get to know what is it that can in fact be ‘standing out the most’ in creating more reactions in people than support.

In that, I got to test out new ways of expressing myself: stopping wanting to seem ‘absolutist’ and ‘right’ at all times – or fearing being wrong – being less intimidating or stopping wanting to ‘impose’ myself onto others – being less attackative or stopping fearing being undermined or ‘proven wrong’ by others, being less self-infatuated or learning to question my principles through trial and error – and stop being arrogant or stop seeing ‘my way’ as ‘the only way’ to live life – which is how I can agree I ‘felt’ within myself while sharing experiences, knowledge and information in my YouTube videos for example – and how that is definitely something I continue to work on in being more ‘chilled’ about things, which has proven to be a physical process of literally relaxing, not being as ‘tense’ and ‘anxious’ and ‘rigid’ in my expression, but to allow myself to actually ‘breathe’ and be more in my body as I am communicating and expressing with others.

That way I took criticism to really look at myself and test out a few changes that I can now reference have in fact been very supportive within my current life and the way I relate to others and how genuinely enjoyable it is for me to ‘be me’ currently, whereas before I would still feel like being in a constant battlefield where anyone was an ‘enemy’ that I had to watch out my back for and be constantly assessing ‘who was out to get me’ type of thing, lol, yes like living ‘war’ mentality within me, all because of mostly fearing criticism… man, have I limited myself so much because of this and it’s not like I am ‘completely over it,’ nope, it’s still a point to continue walking but here I’m sharing some distinctive differences around it.

Even recently someone came at me with quite a nasty kind of defamation and twisting of information about something I once shared with them, and for a moment I could notice there was this reaction coming up until I forced myself to re-read and see how what was being said was a plain attack, with no validity or veracity to it and how the intent was mostly to – sorry for the words – but spread shit about myself. I was able to then cross reference ‘who I am’ in the face of being criticized, judged in this particular way, understand the person, their possible context and starting point for it, self forgive the initial ‘knee-jerk’ reaction and then let it go, because there was truly nothing to ‘learn’ from such trolling.

Back to Ido Portal here, I can relate to what he says in what he once believed he wanted to be which was ‘to be liked by everyone’ which I also really tried hard to do before – and now I realize that it’s not about being ‘accepted’ or liked by others, but simply be myself, developing that stance of ‘this is me, this is the new me that can stand by my words, that is aware of what I say, do, decide to act on and then whatever ‘heat comes at me’ I can take the criticism, work with my reactions if there are any, take the considerations as constructive feedback and keep moving on’ which also exists within a humbleness of being open to learn from others, to learn to question my own ‘tenets’ and be willing to hear different perspectives and ways of living life, which lol, was quite a difficult thing for me to embrace some years ago, but it’s cool to deliberately be challenging myself within that.

As Ido says, critics, trolls, haters usually don’t provide feedback from a practical ‘walking in your own shoes’ point which means they usually lack understanding of the process that it takes to be/become/express/do what one does, and within that it makes sense to obviously discard criticism that is not at all considering the time, the practice, the trial and error, the evolution, the changes, the adaptations that any point of creation or change involves. As he says, it’s not to avoid criticism either but to embrace it for growth and self-development – which ultimately it is so, it’s about having a ‘mirror’ of sorts wherein we can reflect back to ourselves to see how is it that what we are sharing is being received by others, and to me that’s something really precious in life, sincerely, because that’s what I personally enjoy about being a human being, where I can learn about myself through others, I can learn new things, new ways, new approaches from others and in turn also get to hear or read how other people have benefited from who I am, what I am, what I share, how I share, how I live – I consider that that’s already one steps into ‘making an impact’ on someone in a supportive manner.

Of course I am aware how I have probably also impacted people in and for all the ‘wrong reasons’ or ‘the wrong way’ as they say, but then it would also become an opportunity for them to question certain things, to maybe ‘snap’ themselves out of a certain expectation and be confronted with a more harsh, direct and ‘challenging’ point of view which I can now relate to as ‘who I was’ in those old YouTube videos that I certainly have to stop being ashamed of myself and understand within the context of who I was at that time, at that moment in my process and ultimately see that it might have assisted others to ‘check themselves’ if they felt affected, insulted or plainly attacked by whatever I said – that will be my part to take responsibility for, where I wasn’t being clear within me when sharing, where I deliberately wanted to attack ‘the perceived wrong side’ of things and where I wasn’t truly embracing ‘both sides’ as myself, because antagonism has certainly been one of the main ‘wires’ in my overall ‘wiring’ in my mind – and for that I’ve forgiven myself for not taking ‘all sides’ into considerations – and I continue to catch myself doing this and continue to learn how to practically embrace all sides, which is also quite an expansive, nurturing and fascinating process to me.

So, something I got from the documentary as well is how we have to have the courage to do things differently, to break our patterns, to decide to ‘stand up from the crowd’ not in an egotistical/superiority way, but to challenge the status quo and this begins with all the ways that we ‘share’ ourselves, which as it was recently mentioned in an Eqafe interview, we share ourselves all the time that we are around people, with words or actions, they all represent forms of communication and to me this entails both a gift and a responsibility that I have towards myself and so towards others to honor that ability, that capacity of understanding, of verbalizing, of moving, of doing that I can use as a constant point of expression, like constantly making sure who I am and what I do can become an ‘act of creation’ in itself – just like the one project I said I would do in terms of ‘becoming my own work of art’ and that’s truly then embracing our capacity as creators and authors in our own life.

In this chat I had with this friend yesterday, it was interesting to see how he considers this same point of responsibility towards himself as part of what he defines as ‘godly’ as ever present in everything, that ‘divinity’ if you will that exists within it all – which I call life – and as such it’s about taking responsibility for it/as it, honor it ourselves in the best way that we can. Of course the ‘ways’ to do it are as varied as there are human beings in this world, but that’s also what I’ve learned to see as unique and enjoyable, no two ‘human beings’ will have the absolute same ‘truth’ to themselves even if united by the same principles, it will always be different, unique yet always relatable to one another as ‘who we are’ towards one another.

So that’s how I’ve been walking a process to discharge my relationship to ‘criticism’ experienced in a negative way only and actually learn to embrace it, in my case many times being thankful whenever one comes at me challenging my perceived ‘truth’ or ‘righteousness’ because it’s not many people that dare to be so upfront with me either, and that’s something I’d like to challenge as well, because if anything I can learn a lot more from it in seeing who am I in relation to that criticism, discerning what I can use to learn, expand, grow and develop myself further and what is the kind of criticism that only contains reactions, projections with no supportive substance at all.

Another point I’ve learned is to take responsibility for my criticism towards others. If I am perceiving something is not ‘good enough’ and I have ideas of how to make it better, I am not just placing them out for ‘others to do and implement’ and leave the work-load for others to ‘do that for me,’ but I am learning to take responsibility/be in charge of my own criticism and turn it into a proposal for change and expansion that I can actively create and commit myself to contribute with, which is a way where one can take that stand of not only ‘noticing flaws’ and blaming or pointing fingers at others because ‘they are not doing it,’ but rather turn it into a self-empowering point of contributing to the cause, of being the one that does, acts, creates that which we can see is ‘missing’ within something or that could better things for everyone – now that’s quite a constructive criticism as well that leads to actions, doings, to creating changes for the betterment of something or someone, which is lined to sharing responsibility, to empowering oneself in such capacities as well and of course considering the benefit for ourselves and others in it.

Here also making sure that I am aware of ‘who I am’ within that criticism or providing such feedback, if I am doing so from a starting point of blame and disempowerment or if I am truly genuinely wanting to assist with something to better it, and that’s also something where I can only check within myself and how even if it may be perceived as finding faults or blame, I can only ever focus on making sure my starting point is clear, which also makes room for becoming more specific in how to communicate things in a way where one’s intent, starting point and contribution is clear for all people involved in such situation.

So, if there’s any reaction of disempowerment, feeling ‘not good enough’ etc. when getting criticism by others – or even within one’s own mind  it’s definitely time to place it out on paper, write it out, using self-forgiveness to see ‘who am I’ or ‘what of me’ is being ‘hurt’ by it, where am I going into disempowerment, where am I actually believing myself to not be capable to stand this ‘heat’ of the moment and use that to strengthen ourselves, to identify our weaknesses and actively work on re-aligning ourselves within them to a version of ourselves that can learn to read/watch/hear criticism objectively and develop an understanding of ‘where it is coming from’ and discerning what’s supportive and what’s not – that’s something that surely takes some practice but as anything, we all start somewhere and the point is getting to actually Do it, that’s the difference, rather than just remaining wallowing in worry, concern, pity and disempowerment about it, and that’s why I also recommend watching that first part of Ido Portal’s documentary, quite a fascinating parallel to understand what it entails to change at a Physical level – and not only talking about exercise/movements here – but about who we are in our minds as well.

Criticism is a great way to challenge myself and as such, I definitely have open doors to it, I kind of crave it at times which is an imbalance as well lol, so I have to simply take it as it comes and use it constructively as I’ve explained in this blog today.

Thanks for reading.

Please take your time and invest in supporting yourself while also supporting Desteni/Eqafe providing this information/courses that I have benefitted tremendously from and without which I would not have been able to write my story as I did just now, and you can do so by getting self-support audios, all of which will enrich your life in many more ways than what I’ve just shared above, including Ido Portal’s input on several things coincidentally being echoed in the content of this material, which is quite a cool confirmation of how this physical process of self-change takes place:

 

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Join us in our process of Self-Expression as LIFE


592. Looking for Meaning in Creation

 

Or how I imposed this ‘holier than thou’ experience to art creation and how I decide to stand in relation to it as a point of self-expansion.

Continuing from the points I opened up yesterday and going straight into the point of ‘looking for meaning’. This also opened up through watching another film, this one by Carlos Reygadas called Post Tenebras Lux and after I watched it, I was also expecting some kind of life changing outcome or realization – just like I did with Paterson which I described yesterday, and I am usually not just conforming with having a ‘meh’ experience about things as if ‘I truly didn’t get anything out of it’ or as if ‘I can’t really learn anything about myself with it.’ I’ve learned that we can always gather something to learn from anything/anyone in our lives and I’ve been using certain kind of films to do just that.

So I decided to check out interviews with the director to know more about his ‘intent’ or ‘purpose’ with this movie, and it was actually quite refreshing to do so because he basically also assisted me to debunk my expectations and see beyond this ‘search for meaning and purpose’ or ‘giving a message with/through art.’ In this interview here he explains how he’s not a propagandist, he doesn’t have a ‘message to give’ in his films other than using the language that film is – as images and sound – and showing things that he likes, that he finds beautiful, places where he lives in and showing the simplicity of life – and that’s it.

Then I was able to again ‘rewind’ my experience through watching the film and basically seeing myself have that same ‘expectation’ of something suddenly happening that will ‘change the course of events’ – which surely, it does at some point – but most of the film is very slow, moment by moment depiction of life and normal people’s interactions, people that are not even actors and he essentially used his own house and kids to do the film, very simplistic kind of film that turns out as a nice thing to watch altogether. And so through listening to his explanation, I was able to realize more about this ‘urge’ to ‘find a meaning’ to everything, and within that realizing how much I have constantly sought this ‘meaning’ in life and to things to the point where I have ‘missed out’ on life itself as I described in my previous blog because of this desire to find ‘something greater than life’ in things – lol – which is impossible, because life just is, anything ‘greater’ is just a mindfuck, to be honest.

And this is how I came to see that my approach to art and doing art was basically coming from a mindfuck, a desire to create something ‘bigger than myself’ and that would ‘transcend me,’ that would ‘become a message to the world’ of something mystical or incomprehensible through words and… ah! and there I go, again to that one point where I essentially created my own mindfuck which I’ll explain for the sake of context and ‘refreshing’ my story to see how I ‘wired’ myself into this ‘conflict’ essentially, becoming the words that I speak.

After high school I wanted to study visual arts, the university I wanted was in ‘the big city’ and I essentially conformed with my second option at the time because you know ‘how will the youngest of the house leave at a tender age to the big-monster Mexico City?’ and so that’s what I did. I coursed a first year at the Literature and Linguistic faculty here in my home city’s university and to say the least I kept my finger on the same spot of ‘I want to create art, not study books’ – and my second option was of course writing my own stuff, but going to school for that didn’t make sense, and somehow going to school for arts made more sense lol, but that’s another story.

To sum it up, I created my own inner conflict in saying that I had enough of words, that I was sick of words, that I wanted to ‘part ways’ with words – lol – that there’s something ‘more to say’ through images and so yeah here quoting that point of ‘we become what we think’ and I eventually decided to quit literature school and apply to get to the National University to study visual arts in Mexico City – I got in, got the support, went there and walked it through. And while I was there during the first year I made this idea of myself being dissatisfied with ‘just words’ and how I wanted to create something MORE than just words which I then equated to creating pieces of art because that’s how I then ‘wired’ myself to think that it was somehow ‘more important’ or ‘greater than’ myself, lol.

Here the pattern then becomes clear how there had been this drive to do something ‘beyond me’ apparently within a desire of superiority, of magnificence, of grandeur, of big meanings and ‘deep’ stuff that could touch people’s inner-core and ‘change them forevermore’ lolol. Well, as funny as it may sound now to me, that was sort of my intent within studying art and turning it all into this very emotional, chaotic and drama-queen process that I walked in this ‘quest’ to find meaning in life through art, and that’s how I then got very deep into mysticism, religions, philosophy, new age writings, old traditions and anything I could find that would talk about this ‘greater nonsense’ than ourselves mortals on this Earth. To sum it up, I was trying to ‘find god’ in art and that whole ‘quest’ and ‘journey’ to ‘find it’ is what became this seemingly insatiable desire to ‘quench’ my desire to know the ultimate things, to ‘find the greater truth’ and for some reason I linked this to arts and god, but it is what it is.

It’s actually no different to how we go through our lives seeking a meaning, a purpose to our lives, and we don’t realize that they are all just concepts in our heads! Which then makes us inactive, passive ‘waiters’ for ‘life to happen’ instead of realizing we are the ones we have been waiting for and that we have to be the ones that decide to Create our lives and create such day to day purpose no matter how seemingly ‘irrelevant’ it is, we decide HOW we define things, and we decide if we trap and limit ourselves in our own definitions as well, entirely up to us, but all I can say is that we truly have to evolve from this ‘endless seeking and waiting’ for something ‘greater’ to happen to us, We Are It!

The point here is to remind myself of these bits of my story to debunk any current reminiscence of trying to ‘find’ or ‘create’ this ‘something’ bigger than life in arts, or wanting to create something ‘super deep’ and ‘super meaningful’ and that could ‘awaken people up’ through images, because that’s still existent as part of this old drive and ‘thirst’ that I associated with arts and creation as something that would be ‘transcending myself’ in some kind of mystical way… I was definitely on my way to essentially trip myself with my artwork into this godhood path… but fortunately one year into art school I found Desteni, and bam! the rest is history.

So that’s why this year when I decided to take on arts again as a full time activity, this kind of ‘desire to create meaningful stuff’ has come through again, to the point where I have limited myself so much in what I would do because of not wanting to be ‘superficial’ or ‘trivial’ in what I paint, which interestingly enough I have been challenging myself with doing, such as painting the kind of paintings that I had before judged as ‘decorative’ in nature and as such a ‘lower’ form of art, which of course is all again a definition, a judgment that I’ve been brainwashed with and so imposed to things mostly from the ‘education’ one gets in art school where you are apparently a ‘lower’ kind of ‘artisan’ if you paint stuff that people simply likes to have around for how pretty it looks.

Needless to say that these past months of being doing that kind of paintings I have faced my mind-ful and mouthful of judgments right on my face as I’ve shared before, where I have worked on stopping ‘dwelling’ on the image itself, the ‘judgments’ that I’d associate with painting something in particular, to in essence let go of how I had been taught to categorize the kind of painting I was doing and stick to seeing it as what it is, an image that I paint, and that’s it.

Man, it hasn’t been a walk in the park to be honest, and that’s how it’s been also very cool because I know that it’s all in my head! It’s just a bunch of concepts, ideas, theories, labels that I’ve associated with certain kinds of art measured in an apparent ‘higher’ or ‘lower’ scale that god knows who has decided to layout for some people to then identify with ‘lower’ or ‘higher’ forms of art.

And as I take a deep breath, I realize that it’s all knowledge and information that I can decide to simply let go of in the moment when I am painting something and stop comparing the image or ‘what I am painting’ to any piece of information/knowledge that I’ve read or heard before and what I’ve been doing instead is precisely getting to establish a quiet presence while painting, which is stopping the judgments around ‘the final picture’ and ‘how it would be categorized/considered in the art world’ or how ‘others would categorize it’ and instead just focus on doing it the best way that I can.

I’ve also realized how in doing things that are out of my comfort zone, I’ve been able to rather focus on the practicality of making something that turns out well in and of itself, where I am challenged in terms of technique and skills and pushing myself to develop more patience at times with certain kind of images that ‘I would never had accepted to paint’ a decade ago… lol I see that I am right where I can in essence catapult my ego back to where it belongs with this kind of tasks that I currently have when it comes to painting, and so practically walking through this ‘desire to create something meaningful’ as in ‘above of myself’ through art, and instead rather focusing on doing things that I am satisfied with, as a piece in itself – no comparisons, no classifications, no labels, but seeing it as the final product that it is.

And yes, I’m aware that any art purist reading this could have a heart attack, which is something I would have had a decade ago and that I’ve essentially had to practically walk through to be doing what I’m currently doing. I still have to get to the point of being genuinely satisfied within myself in it, where I can genuinely ‘like’ it which has a lot to do with rewiring my perceptions, judgments, preferences attached to art which who knows maybe I won’t ever get to ‘re-wire’ and change to like stuff that I know I can create, but don’t necessarily ‘like.’ And so I can redefine this ‘likeness’ not to as personal preference, but as a set of objective parameters of something being well made, well finished and where I am satisfied that I did my best to accomplish it, where I was detailed enough in it and at the same time continue learning and expanding as I go.

Because that’s another very tricky part about art where I believe that it could be an ‘endless’ thing to do because there’s no finite ‘end’ to something, one can always remake it and add things or re-do things and yep, actually currently walking that with some pieces, but I see it as part of getting my hands on this after a long time and so, I rather appreciate and make the best of the time that I have to practice and test things out that I had not done before. To sum up: I am expanding on what I can do and that’s being out of my comfort zone and yeah it’s challenging, but I’m not fighting it or complaining about it at all – it’s simply a matter of bit by bit expanding my horizons as I say in relation to what I am capable of doing.

I won’t lie, I find it quite difficult to say when something is ‘done’ for example, but that’s where I have to keep practicing and start building some self-trust with my creations, which is quite suitable for this self-process as well.

To finalize, what do I decide to make of ‘meaning’? I’ve been looking at this word and what opens up is ‘me-ning’ I decide what I make of things and so to be aware of when I am trying to make something ‘more’ or ‘less’ than anything in my mind, to elevate it or seek for some kind of ‘higher purpose’ to things which is not the point at all. I precisely have to let go of all of these ‘grandeur’ and ‘depth’ in concepts to something as simple as an image painted on a canvas. It just is, doesn’t ‘need’ or ‘require’ to mean something. I decide what kind of ‘me-ning’ I create for it, what I decide to imprint on it and it doesn’t necessarily have to do with the image or content in it, but with ‘who I am’ in the manufacturing of it. In essence, I have to remove this ‘divine aura’ to art which I sincerely don’t even know anymore where the hell I got this idea from… might be art school but seems it was there before already – doesn’t really matter though, point is that I’m aware now of what this ‘holier than thou’ thing is in relation to art.

Within this it has been quite cool to know other artist’s stories and how their approach to doing art was much more simple and ‘normal’ to them, without any pretense other than doing something they could spend their time on while being mostly alone or ‘having nothing to do’ in any given day. Their approach to doing art became a part of ‘what they do for fun’ and as such, there is no baggage with this kind of divine, holistic and godly associations that I imposed onto ‘art creation’ in my life. De-mystifying is a word that is suitable, because when I strip things from this ‘mindfuck’ what is left is the thing in itself, with physical characteristics that are quite obvious and evident and don’t require any ‘extra-head’ to create a meaning for… and that makes sense for me to continue working on, to keep it grounded, keep it physical, keep it simple… because something tells me that’s where I can in fact see ‘the truth’ of myself beyond knowledge and information in the sheer act of painting.

Ok! That’s it… in time I might have some more feedback on this, for now I’m satisfied about seeing all the connections made and where I decide to stand in relation to this ‘meaning’ word in my day to day and when I approach other creations such as films, paintings, etc. Thanks for reading

 

Plastic Chair

 

Join us in our process of Self-Expression as LIFE


584. Walking Through the Veils of Shame

Or walking through the character weakness I created through cheating in relationships and turning it into a current self-committed strength.

In this same process of doing a bit of a ‘looking back’ in my life and the things that I’ve been most ashamed of and regret and have in essence kept as stuff that had ‘haunt’ me as my past was cheating in relationships. As I write this I look away from the screen for a moment because a part of me would not want to expose this side of myself, would prefer to keep things ‘to myself’ but I also see the benefit of not only sharing about this to ‘expose’ myself in the past, but more so to share what I considered as a very personal process that ‘I should keep to myself’, but this was mostly because of existing in shame towards it and judging that ‘tendency’ of myself as something really bad, unforgivable, that caused pain and sorrow in others.

This has been something that I have immediately linked to reviewing shame as it’s been opened up in the awesome audio support here:  Facing and Forgiving Real Shame (Part 1) – Demons in the Afterlife  and Facing and Forgiving Real Shame (Part 2) – Demons in the Afterlife  and through having such support as well as looking at and opening up the word ‘reconciliation’ within me, I saw that I had not made peace with this aspect of myself, mostly also because of keeping it as something that I should never speak of or admit about myself.

I have worked with this for myself, and even if I knew what I was doing at the time, I simply didn’t want to change my ways and would like to ‘keep my possibilities open’ which I only managed to change in the past relationship I had and I’m quite glad about that with myself in how through walking this process and from the very beginning of the relationship, I made a decision to no longer allow myself to ‘waver’ in my decision to be with that person even if we weren’t physically together right away, I made that decision to for once live that commitment to myself, to show to me that I could in fact stop having ‘affairs’ in thought, word or deed when it comes to personal relationships, and I am grateful to myself that I did this even if yes, there were surely moments that I could have defined as ‘openings’ or ‘temptations’ if you will, which surely are never ‘gone’ as such because I realize I have the ability to decide what I define as a ‘temptation’ to begin with which in a way it’s a whole word in itself to open up, which already implies a form of weakness from my perspective, where I believe that ‘I cannot help myself/cannot control/cannot direct’ myself in something and thus ‘fall’ into it, which surely I did experience in relation to cheating as such, which is why I had to yes, of course, let go of that ability within me to make it quite simple to act out on what I saw as an opportunity or potential.

To me the source of shame was more in relation to knowing what I caused in others, the consequences when this happened to be known. Shame and regret emerged within the realization that I was the cause of a lot of turmoil, depression, sadness in in someone’s life, and also how ‘shameless’ I was at the same time in doing it,  with without their awareness in my past relationships, which I have by now become aware all were motivated as with many other things in our lives, by the idea of something better, new, more exciting, or simply doing it because ‘the opportunity was here’ and taking it as an ‘innocent’ moment which was of course not living the word innocence in a supportive manner, but more through an experience to veil my responsibility at the time and the actual fear of the potential consequences, like it is explained in this other awesome supportive audio Using Innocence to Defend Fear – Quantum Physical, which I recommend to understand how this ‘misuse’ of the word innocence takes place within ourselves, that was quite helpful for me to also open up this point recently.

I could also say, yes it still was someone else’s decision to dive into such depressive experience upon becoming aware of what I had done, but my part in the whole point is having been dishonest and creating a consequence that in normal terms of course it is not something that is received in stability by most people. So, I have beaten myself up – figuratively speaking – quite a few times for this kind of situations that yes I caused and contributed to creating, while at the same time over time and over some more years after that, I still would do it and not really make a decision to change, until I did after deciding to actually change this ‘tendency’ and pattern within me that I had veiled myself off by seeing it as something that is ‘just here’ and ‘just happened’ while being fully aware that of course it always takes one’s decision to do or not do something.

 

 

I’ve also learned through communicating about this point to in a way see that we all cheat ourselves in different ways and levels. Some of us have acted on it, some others tend to only fantasize about doing it, but don’t get to actually live it. That’s how I’ve also seen that cheating as such is always a point of self-deception, where yes one is not living fidelity towards another being and instead is seeking for ‘something else’ with another person, not only at a physical level, but also at a mind level or in the form of ‘mental affairs’ too, because I saw how the sheer acceptance of ‘thinking about another’ in those partnership terms or fantasizing about having a relationship with them or having sex with another person while being in a committed relationship constitutes in essence already an act of ‘cheating’ to oneself, where one is only entertaining an idea of ‘someone else’ in our minds, while one is having an actual, physical, tangible relationship to develop, nurture and commit to, which is what I have decided to do and live from now on in my life.

I’ve been looking at what ‘led me’ to make it so easy for me to not measure consequences, to make it so easy to make a single decision in one moment and for a moment just throw out of the window any commitment to another person because ‘the opportunity presented itself’ and ‘I simply took it’ and how ‘feeble’ in a way I was when it comes to this, being very much moved by desire, lust, an idea of ‘something/someone better’ or simply because ‘it was here’ and so I moved to just do it.

Now, the details of how, when and where I did this all are not relevant to share here, but to me it’s sufficient to share how the kind of laxity towards it is what was a source of shame, which I then also walked through to create an understanding, to understand ‘who I was’ at the time so as to not just see through the eyes of morality but through seeing me and who I was at the time.

At the time I had not created any point of self-awareness or ‘barely’ creating it and developing it within myself, where I would talk to myself to create a point of ‘innocence’ about the moment, as a way to – as the previously mentioned Eqafe audio explains – it was a way for me to make things ‘alright’ within me and not truly have a blunt look at what I was accepting and allowing in having this ‘laxity’ about my commitment to my relationships and how I made it very normal to have ‘open potentials’ to other relationships while being in committed relationships or ‘somewhat’ committed relationships at the time, because they were what they were in the context that I was in at the time in my life as well, where I wasn’t really into developing a relationship of self support or self-respect yet.

One thing I noticed is that I of course suppressed a lot of these things because it was at a time in my life when I was using weed on a regular basis and it was my way to also ‘wipe out’ any immediate inner conflict and ‘shift’ within me to an ‘everything is alright’ state of mind, which I only can know of because I would write about what I was in fact experiencing, and that’s the only remembrance I have of it, because at a conscious level to me it seemed as if there was no conflict at all, but this is how I made myself ‘think’ that ‘I am perfectly fine with it, I know what I’m doing, there’s no problem at all in me, no one’s getting hurt’ as a way to create a false sense of innocence within it all to not have to have a clear view of what I was participating in.

Working on this point has become one of those examples that something that I saw as a weakness in me, I’ve worked on developing it and turning it into a strength within me for the past couple of years.

Though before going into the ‘developing it as a strength,’ I want to share about the process of walking through shame itself and in our group chat at Desteni we had a very cool discussion that led to open up this point about ‘shame’ which can be read here:  You cannot see that which you are – 12 July 2017 which opened the door along with looking at the word ‘reconciliation’ for me to do this for once and for all, to identify where and how I’ve experienced that kind of shame in my life and it has been definitely linked to cheating – and it was actually quite a gift in the way that it is explained in this audio support I mentioned at the beginning of this blog about shame, in the sense that I would probably not have gotten to see my reality this way if I had not become aware of how my actions affected another’s life, which at the time I  suppressed and just felt bad about it, guilty, remorseful. But I had not taken that step of acknowledging the profound shame I felt in relation to it and it’s probably one of those things that have ‘marked me’ in my life, yet it is and will continue to be there as a reminder of what I’ve done, what I caused when allowing myself to be moved by desire, attraction, the idea of ‘something better’ or something ‘more exciting’ or ‘new’ and all of these experiences I linked to the act of cheating, which were in fact me seeking an experience that eventually of course led to ending relationships due to not establishing that self-commitment, self-honor and self-respect for myself first of all.

In retrospect it is ‘easier’ for me to see how I could have decided to change myself in those moments when facing this ‘temptation’, yet at the time I had not made a clear decision to change, because I still wanted to have these ‘options’ available to me. I wasn’t living a commitment to myself nor towards another. So this is to me an example where many times we make things ‘difficult’ to do or believe that ‘it’s beyond me’ to change, but in self-honesty, the reality is that I was not wanting to change or give up something that I wanted to have, experience or indulge into in my life.

The perceived benefits of ‘going for it’ are only that, a perception, a momentary experience if anything because over time, I see how every time that I ‘gave into it’ became that kind of scars that won’t go away from your mind, and one can self-forgive it, surely, to recognize the point and ensure one doesn’t repeat it again, but as it has been recently explained: self forgiveness wont’ ‘erase’ the memories. Memories will remain as part of who we are, as reminder, as a gift, a ‘cautionary tale’ as I’d like to call them of what I could put myself and others through If I give into this kind of ‘desires’ or ‘fleeting sensations’ that seemed to just ‘open up’ as ‘opportunities’ in my life – which is how I used to define them, see them.

It also had to do with how I approached life back then, where I had placed my life, my destiny in the hands of something ‘else separate from me’ where I thought that people, things, situations would ‘happen for a reason’ and so I would create an innocence point within it as well, which is of course innocence lived as deception, deliberate self-deception just to not have to see the truth and reality of myself in it.  Innocence to me now as a living word has a very much different meaning that doesn’t relate at all to ‘pretending to be delusional’ and not realize what I am doing lol, I mean, I know I can only ever deceive myself in fact and that’s where this whole point of cheating is at, not only ‘towards others’ but towards myself, my self-commitment and self-agreement that I am busy living for myself and those whose lives I am directly related to now.

Have these apparent ‘temptations’ gone away? Nope. If I would decide to see a moment, a person, a situation as such and accept it and allow it to exist in me, it would not be so much of a ‘difficult thing’ to do because it’s just like anything else when one ‘goes for it’ without questioning ‘who am I’ within doing something. And yes it can be a bit scary to think of the potentials on this which applies for anything else that we see ourselves having a propensity or tendency to do – and have done in the past – but that’s how I decide to instead of giving any attention to these ‘potentials’ rather create a solid foundation for me to walk through it and as I mentioned earlier, turn it into a strength.

So this is another aspect of our minds, our lives and process where no amount of self-forgiveness will actually remove the potential ‘triggers’ or ‘stimuli’ that we can still decide to react to or ‘act upon’ in our minds – this is why walking through our minds is a moment by moment application, daily thing, every moment thing whenever it is required.

So, how am I living this relationship to this past tendency to ‘cheat’ in relationships? Well, I can wholly say to myself that it’s been quite cool to build that decision of living self-honor, self-respect, self-commitment and consideration – not only for me but to others – when it comes to remaining committed to someone and be able to practically test myself in various times and situations to see ‘who am I’ within it all, and so far I’ve seen how every single time it’s a constant decision to ‘stick’ to my decision to live fidelity and loyalty, simply because that’s the person that I decide to be for myself and another in my life.

Thanks for reading and thanks to the beings that share their experiences at eqafe.com which surely set the example for me to open this up for myself too.

Have a listen yourself too!

Facing and Forgiving Real Shame (Part 1) – Demons in the Afterlife – …

Facing and Forgiving Real Shame (Part 2) – Demons in the Afterlife – …

 

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Join us in our process of Self-Expression as LIFE


580. Learning to Appreciate Myself

 

Or how I’ve walked through consequences of feeling ‘lonely’ and how I would create relationships from that starting point to where I currently am in transforming such emotional experience into an appreciation, understanding and embracing of myself and others as equals.  

 

I’ve been reflecting on several things these past days and one thing that I want to share about is realizing how I’ve  accepted and allowed to ‘give into’ a point of comfort and in a way ‘settling for the least’ in the past in order to stand in a point of perceived or believed ‘security’, of having ‘no-conflict’, of having certain apparent ‘control’ over someone or a situation and how that has eventually led me to create what I feared happening as the starting point of ‘who I am in my creation,’ which might seem like something ‘shitty’ to happen in one’s life, but as I share my story, it’s actually gotten me or ‘forced me’ to be at the place where I eventually had to be at, which is here.

For example, in relationships I had the tendency to create a relationship of dependency with the other person where I would ‘give myself’ to them and attempt to give them that which I believed and perceived they weren’t giving to themselves, which I used as a way to also ‘secure’ the relationship, to make sure they would not ‘run away’ because: no one else was giving that to them, not even themselves. And this is then covered up or disguised as a ‘benevolent act’ of trying to help another or ‘caring’ for another, and it is interesting because I actually knew what I was doing at the time but I would still decide in a conscious way to deceive myself, my self-honesty, and ‘do it anyways’ which is linked to another type of pattern that I’ve faced quite a bit in my life which is ‘rebelling’ against that anyone would advise me to do, where I would automatically just ‘do it because I’ve been told not to’ and not seeing through the actuality of the situation, which of course ends up only in showing myself the consequence of simply ‘doing it’ out of rebellion and not considering reality in its totality – learned lesson.

What I’ve realized in this is that no one can ever ‘warn us’ or ‘tell us’ what to do or not to do, because even if anyone reaches out to say so, we still have the ultimate decision on what we do and create. Therefore it’s actually quite a gift to acknowledge this responsibility, because there is nothing and no one to blame, but it is simply a deep realization that one can only ever deceive oneself. I definitely knew that I had been setting myself up for failure or future consequence and outcomes that would represent or ‘by default’ become the result of my very flawed starting points in, for example, creating a relationship which was standing in the shape of fear, fear of being alone, fear of ‘missing out’ on some experiences etc. or seen as a desire to ‘be complete’ in one way or another.  

If my starting point in my past relationships had been that of seeking a comfort zone where I would not be ‘left alone’ because of making the other person ‘dependent on me’ to ‘be ok within themselves’ and where they would not be in essence ‘good enough’ for themselves, then there was also that possibility of me having a certain control as in ‘ensuring the relationship’ or having this person in my life – apparently, again – which is completely flawed In the sense that it is a deceptive and self-interest starting point, because if I create something from the starting point of fear, wanting to dominate, wanting to control and in essence doing it all from the fear of ‘not being alone’ or ‘fear of being alone’ or ‘missing out’ or whatever else, well! Such apparently hidden starting point would eventually manifest the outcome of me having to stop a relationship because such consequences of choosing a flawed starting point would eventually come out in ways that I could foresee could happen before, but because of holding on to a ‘hope’ – which is in fact holding on to a convenient comfort-zone of wishing and thinking things will ‘go well in the end’ which is translated into ‘I hope that the truth of this deception won’t ever hit the fan’ type of thing – I simply kept the ball of deception rolling. 

But, who am I within such a decision? Yes, I was in fact existing in fear, in the constant suspense of something eventually happening that will force us to ‘break up’ because I simply knew that such possibility was there when I know I am not standing full, complete, whole within myself, but still creating a relationship from having at that time in my life felt ‘alone’ and so creating an idea of taking someone I could ‘support’ and ‘be with’ as a comfort zone masked or disguised as ‘support’ when in fact the actuality is that it was a way to not ‘feel alone’ anymore, which for sure had been a constant in my life up to that point.

So in essence I set myself up for failure in those situations and this is something I was aware of at a conscious level, yet! I did it anyways. And this is the point of self-sabotage that I want to share about as well as a self-reminder of how at times even when there’s this plain awareness of ‘self-sabotage’ about something, I’ve decided to ‘do it anyways’ based on deciding to go for the experience, to make decisions based on fears that are linked to ‘feelings’ and hopes and expectations, which are all non substantial reasons to make a decision such as who you’d like to spend your life with. And I knew it and I did it anyways, and I got my result to in a way bluntly show me and go through the experience of ‘this is what I decided to do, this is what I set myself up for’ which sure, it’s not a ‘pleasant’ experience, but in my case a very necessary one because after repeating this pattern for so many times in my life – almost in every single relationship I’ve had – it was about time I had to face some more ‘real-time’ outcomes that involved not only me and the other person but many more in it so that I could finally take my life seriously in that sense and stop hoping or dreaming of ‘changes’ happening according to my desired outcome.

What I’ve learned from this and from having repeatedly done this in my life is that I in a way decided to go through it almost to prove to myself – once again – why and how this cannot work, going through the somewhat ‘traumatizing’ situation of having to sort out an actual separation even in legal matters to now fully comprehend how ‘easily’ I gave into faith, hope and fear as the starting point of a relationship that had to end the way it did, because my starting point was flawed and I knew it all the way.

Now, something I’ve also learned is to not judge myself for it. I could be whining and saying I ‘lost’ x amount of time of my life, but I’ve instead managed to as with everything take it as a learning curve, getting to understand and see ‘who I was’ in every step of the way of such relationships, and it’s not the ‘me’ that is here as myself any longer – which is great – yet it is still a part of who I had been most of my life and it’s not something that’s just ‘gone’ but it is there and I am aware that I can decide to become that again or not, which is the same with any other patter, situation or conflictive experience within ourselves: we might have ‘gone past it’ now, but as with anything the potential is always there to recreate it if I decide to do so, it’s always up to me.

However I’ve now seen that it is only through this last consequence I created that I managed to ‘finally’ make a click within me and see what I was settling-with essentially. And here it’s not about diminishing or judging, criticizing ‘the other person’ at all. It is about what I decided, what my choices were, what my excuses, reasons and justifications were and how in full awareness of what I was doing and placing myself into, I simply ‘did it anyway’ in a form of blind faith and seeking some benefits and perceived convenience that led me to eventually yes, thankfully and through a sour consequence, burst the bubble and go back to square one of self-honesty.

Where I currently am in my life is definitely a different place, one where I know I would be prone to repeat myself if I follow ‘the same steps’ I’ve followed in my life before when it comes to relationships, and this time I’ve made sure that I get to focus on myself and fully see ‘who am I’ within this ‘aloneness’ point that had gotten me to seek out some kind of dependency before.

How have I gotten to do it? This process if for once ‘it’, there is no other way to get to appreciate me other than getting to know myself, every step of the way, learn to not judge me but understand my decisions, paths, choices and learn from it. Stopping for example creating some kind of obsessions and infatuations about people – of which I’ve been quite prone to do in the past – and instead get to appreciate me, live me, enjoy me, value me and this is something that has taken some time for sure, it’s all about making the decision to see myself with the same pair of eyes that I have tended to look at other people – specially males of course in my case – which I would turn into a form of attraction, desire or even ‘love’ and I’ve continued to test this out as I’ve been sharing in the past months with how I’ve been dealing with some points of ‘attraction’ or dare I call it ‘infatuation’ which has been quite a life-long habit in my life and I’ve finally learned to see it with a different set-of-eyes.

Last night I was watching an interview by another one of those people I have had what I can define as an ‘attraction to’ – yep another artist, etc. – and I definitely enjoy testing ‘who I am’ when seeing them, hearing their words, seeing how they move/express and seeing what moves within me. This time I noticed it has changed from how I would look at the person a few years ago and all that I would get is this slight churning within my solar plexus which is what I’d define as attraction and just leave it at that. Believing that ‘yes I like their personality’ and that’s it, but the reality is that I wasn’t looking any deeper than that because I wasn’t looking WITHIN myself deep enough, I wasn’t seeing myself as living words, I wasn’t seeing myself as these qualities that I actually enjoy about me, but was constantly looking ‘outside of myself’ for that, and the most common way was through creating ‘idols’ as in people I would admire – in the case of women – or develop these infatuations and attractions towards males.

So this time, I realized that what emerged within me was a sense of recognition of the other being for who they are, what they express, how they’ve come to be themselves and simply appreciate it, being thankful as well that there’s people in this world that throughout time I’ve been able to listen to and ‘get to know’ even in these very limited ways like through interviews or their creations and instead of only leaving my experience at a point of ‘excitement’ about them or infatuation, I’ve been able to transform that into a learning, appreciating the words that they are living within and as themselves.

 There was no longer that ‘desire’ in me, or that fleeting energetic bubble bursting up, in fact after I decide to face this ‘attraction’ in seeing, hearing them I am able to make a clear decision of changing the way in which I see another human being and instead turn that into an ‘embracing’ of sorts, which now that I see it is also what I would like any other person to do onto myself as well. I would definitely not want to be in their shoes and having someone being infatuated and obsessed ‘with me,’ because that surely is quite a point of separation to exist in, as I was existing in in terms of the actual relationships I formed and the relationships that I’d create in my mind in relation to all of these people that at one point or another I developed relationships with in my mind for the most part.

So, after watching that interview I realized how much I had transformed people – well males specifically – into objects of desire, of wanting to ‘possess’ someone because of what I believed I would get ‘from them,’ whereas now I am definitely at a place where there’s this self-fulfillment where I no longer go seeking this ‘other person’ to ‘fulfill me’ or ‘give me’ or ‘be for me’ that which I haven’t been able to live for myself. I can only now share myself, walk with, learn from and possibly contribute back, but that’s about it, there’s no ‘need’ any longer as I used to experience it in the context of personal relationships.

I’ve also seen how there has been this tendency throughout my life of expecting someone to ‘come into my life’ and appreciate me, value me for all that I am and have been through or have realized about myself, and every single time there’s that expectation within me, I’ve ended up disappointed, because it’s of course a flawed starting point, a desire for ‘someone else’ to do that which I hadn’t done for myself which is again appreciate me, enjoy me, be actually quite ‘fascinated’ by myself – and not in the narcissist kind of way lol – but in truly realizing that: I cannot ever fully share every single detail and moment of my life that I only know how I’ve gone through it, what I’ve developed within myself in every step of the way and have another ‘appreciate me’ for that. I can only do that for myself because I am the only one that has always ever been there with me, and this self-relationship and realization of ‘I got me and I will always do’ is quite a substantial one that I had known and become aware of at a ‘theory’ level, but I had not genuinely expressed that as a true form of embracing, gratitude and appreciation to myself, which is see if very much here now which I now am able to extend to anyone else according to what I express and give first to me. Which is how I realized I was able to change the ‘pair of eyes’ with which I look at people – again specially males I’ve been attracted to – and take from each ‘what’s best’ what words I see I can integrate from them within myself and ‘complete me’ that way, get to live what I yearned of others.

How does this ‘feel’ like or ‘translates’ to? Being comfortable with myself, with being alone as well and so being comfortable towards others too. I used to be the kind that was constantly yearning to not be alone or be in a relationship to have some constant companion and something to ‘focus on’ or ‘be for’, but I’ve realized and seen how I am quite fine by myself and that translates to being also quite fine and comfortable when being with a partner. Surely, I enjoy being sharing, expressing with another but even that would not be a constant point of stability, enjoyment, sharing and expression if I had not first developed myself within this path I just described and gotten to start living these words for and as myself first, so that a relationship therefore doesn’t become another ‘dependency’ point which I’m seeing is definitely possible as well and something that’s quite ‘new’ to me too.

Many times people having similar patterns to the one I’ve just described in relation to ‘relationships’ as the ‘weakness point’ in one’s life, we tend to make of relationships that ‘completion’ point, and I’ve been looking at this quite intently and testing myself out in the way I see people that for example I used to be ‘attracted to’ because of liking their expression or their skills or ‘ways of being’ and principles, values etc. And last night as I mentioned, I realized I no longer turn that into some kind of ‘physical attraction’ or ‘desire’ to have a relationship with that person, but instead has become a seeing within another their potentials, their ‘wisdom’ if you will as their very unique and individual experiences and expression. I decided to no longer look at another through the eyes of ‘infatuation’ or ‘I want to have a relationship with you so that I can have that which I see you are/have,’ but instead I take the words that I see or perceive they are embodying and living and make them part of myself, and some other things I simply appreciate them for, for what they stand for and do which at times it’s something quite unique and that I can only see and understand is an expression of what’s ‘here’ as ourselves and that’s it, embrace it, enjoy it- but not try and ‘possess it’ anymore, which is very liberating.

I am more learning to see people as equals in fact, not as ‘objects of desire’ which is of course a point of separation from myself. I’m learning to see and appreciate others for who they are and no longer go ‘wishing’ or ‘desiring’ a relationship as a ‘short cut’ to actually get to live and be ‘that’ for myself, which is a very cool position to be at really, it stops a lot of the ‘mindfucks’ and instead it has opened myself up a true appreciation of someone’s existence, someone’s expression, someone’s work, someone’s words and experiences for what they are.

I was laughing at myself last night when seeing this because I never thought I would be in that position of being able to ‘appreciate’ another human being at that level, where it is devoid of a ‘feeling’ or ‘fears’ but simply in the expression of ‘I see you’ and in a way appreciating ‘who they are’ as their expression, that ‘role’ or part of life they represent. I used to be the kind that would even disregard everything that I’ve learned from fellow humans in my ever-constant idea that there was ‘no point’ in life and that we should all just be doomed to be washed away from the face of the Earth. It’s been a long walk since I was living that kind of statements, I was sooo limited! So veiled by my own emotions and minimized view of myself and so of the rest of the world, but I don’t judge it, it’s just what it is, I am rather thankful and grateful I didn’t give up on myself and have continued to push through and get to where I am now.

It is so that I could not have gotten myself to see, express and realize these things before at all, it’s all ‘here’ right now as a result of all the years of self work through and with the Desteni tools and yes, some very necessary consequences in my life, some ‘hard spots’ to go through for me to understand the starting point of my creation and the consequences that I create when making decisions based on desires, hope, feelings and fears and now realizing more about myself, getting to appreciate myself more than ever before – not to place my on a pedestal as superiority here either – but simply in that realization of how I’ve come to where I am currently and no longer judging me for all of the past decisions, mistakes, deception that I’ve participated on, but understanding it as what in a way I decided to walk through to teach me something, to show me in real time and manifested consequences what happens if I miss ‘myself’ in the equation of my life and so instead turn that ‘missing’ into a me-is-here, realizing I’ve got potential, I decide what to live and express, up to me and my possibilities and willingness to do it, which is in fact a very liberating and expansive realization.

Thanks for reading.

 

Check out these and all other supportive material at eqafe.com to which I am forever grateful for, because I would not be sharing this if it wasn’t for what I’ve heard, learned and applied over the years with the support provided here

Self Expansion

 

Join us in our process of Self-Expression as LIFE


579. The Awkwardness of Change

Or facing ‘awkwardness’ as a result of having judged everything that I am now testing to integrate in my life – joke is on me! Lol

One thing  that is constant within a process of change is adapting to the ‘new version of me’ where it’s kind of like making space for ‘the new’ to be created in my life and this can range from changing perspectives to changing habits, behaviors, ways of looking at things, ways of perceiving reality, ways of interacting with others, ways in which I decide to experience myself… and one thing that I had kind of forgotten about is the initial ‘discomfort’ or ‘awkwardness’ that emerges within oneself when one is first deciding to change something or implement something ‘new’ in our lives.

I was talking to someone that I support in their own process of self-change today and it reminded me a lot of how I used to go through the same kind of judgments that he’s going through when it comes to identifying the points of change and even while considering what words it would take him to live to change such old habits into the new version of himself – that he actually wants to express and live as – he starts feeling somewhat ‘fake’ in doing so, not ‘authentic’ and I can relate a lot to that, especially with some of us people that have ‘engraved’ our personalities as these ultimate and unchangeable statements of ‘who we are’ and believing ‘we should and cannot change those parts of ourselves, no matter how constructive the reason might be, which of course becomes the most limiting thing to ever hold on to.

This reminded me of the saying ‘fake it till you make it’ which was a somewhat common thing to read and hear at the beginning of my process of understanding who I am as my mind and so taking on the process of self-change, but I never really understood it when it came to ‘faking something,’ but today it became a lot clearer how there is definitely this ‘transitional phase’ where one has to actually step out of the old and into the new and that leap that one decides to take on isn’t at all a ‘walk in the park’ for many, and I guess it all depends on many variables and individual contexts, but I certainly can share about my own.

I had tended to judge anything that was too positive, too bright, too ‘shiny and happy’ so to speak as something that was unrealistic, something fake, something that was covering up the ‘deep ugly truth’ behind the shiny façade and so I lived in this kind of judgment for most of my life actually, essentially creating a set of ‘immovable’ judgments towards anything that I decided was not ‘real’ and was ‘too good to be true’ apparently, which led me to then of course create – accept and allow – the exact opposite as ‘who I am’ and how I decide to think, be, live and interact with in relation to myself, the way I would think and perceive things, the relationships I’d create and the kind of personalities, words, thoughts, experiences I’d develop as ‘who I am’ in general.

When I made a clearer decision to actually start changing this very ingrained personality and starting to take those first steps out of the ‘old’ as all that comfort in gloominess personality in me and starting to embrace or integrate a more joyful, affable, open or happy way of being and expressing, I completely felt like a fake, because! I was experiencing the judgments that I had created and imposed towards everything that I had in fact denied myself to be, live and experience as ‘who I am,’ even if that meant having actually a more settled, grounded, enjoyable life and expression – instead of living in constant judgment and denial of that which I discovered I genuinely enjoy!

It felt so awkward to in essence open up myself to ‘the joy of life and living’ so to speak, which by the way didn’t happen that ‘long ago’ to be honest, even if I had been very busy with suggesting ways to create a change in the world, deep down within myself I was still sort of refusing to give up my own gloom and doom, which was in turn reflected in the very detail of how I would approach – read judge – anything that seemed too happy, too joyful, too ‘lively’, too colorful even – and oh boy am I facing this last one currently lol – and what ended up happening is that I became subject to my own judgments when I decided to stop this character/personality in me and bit by bit, slowly but surely start shedding this ‘past’ personality within me that was existing in a denial and continuous judgment to the actual potential and expansion that life can be lived in.

Why was that? In a way I had created a false sense of comfort – just like any other personality – in things not ever going ‘that quite right’ and so always having something to worry about, something to be emotional about… which becomes another energy-addiction where I was criticizing ‘positive thinkers’ for example, without realizing I was living exactly the same way but in its polarity in fact. That’s also how I realized that as much as I was apparently criticizing others for being ‘into the light and love’ I was in fact doing the exact same just in the opposite end, not that it meant ‘hatred and darkness’ in such ‘opposite way’ lol, but close enough to seeing everything as futile, without solutions, believing that life was never ever meant to be ‘lived happily’ but simply made ‘justice’ of and even if I knew this potential of living a ‘good and happy  life’ is common sense – and is what most people aspired to, including myself at a theoretical level – I could not even fathom myself and my actual happiness or how that could be genuinely lived because I was existing in so many judgments and denial of such possibility in my life that even in moments where I was in environments where it was genuinely a supportive environment all around, I didn’t feel ‘quite right’ in it all, it felt ‘too awkward’ lol, because of it being ‘too good, too positive’ for me at that stage in my life, which meant I had to face some more years of self-denial until I decided to step out of my gloomy cocoon for once and for all – or being in the continuous process of doing this in my case.

Well, what I had to do is to actually walk through and debunk all of my judgments towards all of these living potentials that surely can be identified as ‘positive’ but that’s also another point. I decided to no longer see them as ‘positive,’ as an experience only, but rather look into the substance, the expression that I decide to live and express because I see this is what’s actually best for me and so for everyone else – instead of holding myself back or ‘down’ based on a personality that I actually had quite a bit of a ‘hold’ to, based on what I believed ‘I should be like’ which yes, would still be very rigid and ‘unchangeable’ in spite of me agreeing with certain notions of what would be an actual happy, free and loving world… I still deep down within me denied those same things to be experienced in my life…. Until fairly recently.

So! In my discussion with this guy, I realized how I had gone through the exact same ‘awkwardness’ of embracing this ‘new me’ and actually still am because I’m kind of shedding an old skin here and it’s definitely a day by day process of identifying the judgment and walking through it practically.

A point where I’m facing this the most for example is embracing colorfulness and ‘bright lights’ when it comes to painting, I cannot describe how ingrained it is within me to tend to end up darkening everything to the point of barely being able to see a thing… I’ve been ‘struggling’ with that a bit but I know exactly what those thoughts are when it comes to placing some thick layer of pure – unobscured color – such as: ‘that’s too bright, that’s too colorful, shade it down, it’s too lively, that wouldn’t be you!’ and this last bit right here: ‘that wouldn’t be you!’ is the one point that kicks me back into my judgmental ass and in a moment there I am, again going for the darker tones….. only to then now having to be adding light as a way to step out of my pattern again, and it’s not the ‘best result’ either according to my yes ‘current’ judgment, but I see it as a way to go breaking through and also learning what happens when I follow those thoughts of ‘oh that would not be you!’ or ‘that’s too bright/too happy!’ and actually go daring more with stepping out of my old patterns. It becomes awkward, because of all those judgments rushing back at me… lol, hence ‘the joke is on me’ because I never thought of myself being doing that which I had almost ‘resigned’ to ever do again.

It does feel at times like cringing inside myself whenever I’ve had to go implementing these sort of changes in various areas of my life, I’ve felt fake, felt ‘not me’, felt like I was being a ‘hypocrite’ because I was then now trying to be and express that which I had always judged as ‘too fake, too happy, too positive, too good to be true’ but! It’s actually quite cool and ‘the place to be in’ when it comes to actually changing, because I’m facing the totality of myself, my creation as my judgments and having to walk through them in order to now give myself the creative authority and freedom to be, live and express the way that I see is ‘here’ as myself, that I want to now live and develop as my expression.

This example can be expanded to anything else where changing becomes an experience of ‘doing things out of character’ which yes! It is exactly what it is all about, it is about shedding the old and into the new, while being aware that yes, there is that phase of adaptation, of shedding, of trying new things, testing out ways, finding what ‘works’ for us in many ways, that is a process, for sure. Yet this is already a doing, taking a step forward, a decision to ‘step into the unknown’ which to many of us might seem ‘too risky’ or ‘too uncertain’ but, something is quite clear to me by now: we have to give ourselves that power/ability to reinvent ourselves, and this is precisely what I’ve found supportive to remind myself of whenever I get this ‘awkwardness’ within changing these aspects within and without of me.

The ‘awkwardness’ is nothing else but the result of my own judgments staring back at me, I see my own mirror/my-error of what I built, created and participated on before when believing that I had the right to judge, to criticize and diminish anything that I defined as ‘wrong’ essentially – still a morality point – and it’s quite ludicrous because I was actually imposing this to what life is about currently for me – of course considering its ‘ups and downs’ – but I’ve learned to also focus on the potentials, the enjoyment, the growth, the expansion, taking risks, taking opportunities… I guess I’ve been writing a lot about this kind of stuff as of late,  but that’s what I’m set on and can only share about the bits of discomforts experienced in doing so, embracing the ‘newness’ so to speak and letting go of my judgment to it all as ‘too good to be true’ or ‘too fake’ because we decide who we are in what we express, we give ourselves the authority/authorship in what we create and who we are within it.

That’s the key within this all as well; it’s not so much about ‘what’ we do but WHO we are within it. Ultimately it’s not really about colors or brightness, lightness or darkness, it’s about what we decide to express as ourselves, without judgments, but purely through the physical expression and in whichever form, shape or color this comes through. That’s how I’m currently facing the process of going to the ‘extremes’ and testing my ground in it, lol, which is kind of fun when looking back at it but I surely have faced times of ‘this isn’t working at all’ but don’t get to that point of giving up on it any longer, I just recognize this ‘awkward and uncomfortable experience’ for what it is: a transitional experience while I go practicing, testing out, weaving this new me for now… I mean who knows how many ‘new me’s’ I’ll ever create! Reinvention is quite a relevant word for me these days and it’s not so ‘easy’ for someone like me that lived through judgment/as judgment towards myself, anything and everyone. So, yep, I’m where I’m supposed to be to ‘face my music’ and stand up from it.

I’ll share back how it goes but so far, have had to stop my own train of thoughts according to some of the paintings I’ve done and their nature, and their purpose and instead, give myself the opportunity to rather decide ‘who I am’ in it and the expression within me while creating an image, rather than being defined by the shape of the image itself – not entirely easy at first but, getting there and I’ve discovered this is actually the me that I want to live and express, the one that steps out of ‘my own mold’ into something new… it becomes a bit more of an adventure to live this way as well.

Ms. Reformed gloominess signs out.

 

Join us in our process of Self-Expression as LIFE


577. Creative Expansion

Or reflecting on the nature of absolutism and how to learn from others to transform it into a supportive expression

I had a laugh with myself while listening to this audio here My Life of Absolutism (Part 3) – Life Review because I tend to do so when something or someone reflects me back to myself in such an accurate way, and it also can be a temporary way to cope with the blunt image of myself through someone else’s words to then take it through an actual assimilation of what that description of this person as being an ‘absolutist’ means and the consequences it created in his life. I could see myself in his shoes and even wondered that if I had been a male, I would have probably taken it even one step further just like he did towards people.

An interesting thing that has also been quite present for the past month or so is my relationship with people that to me represent the opposite of ‘absolutism,’ people that are more ‘free flowing’ or have learned to stand in the system yet ‘twist it from within’ and not in an antagonistic manner, but more like being able to stand within it/as it and change it from within or assist in reflecting back the nature of the system in a fun way evidencing that there is something we have to change about it within ourselves.

I’m talking about artists for the most part and how there are times when I create specific ‘fixations’ towards certain artists/people/individuals that appear ‘attractive’ to me but not in a physical attraction mode only, but more in the sense of looking at the words they rare living and expressing in how they live/who they are, at least in anything that I have access to at the moment.

I noticed that I created this same experience towards an artist called Morten Traavik, who to me initially appeared to be quite the ‘absolutist’ kind, very frank, direct, diplomatic yet almost ‘militant’ in how he approaches things but not within the context of aligning to ‘how things are’ but in the context of transgressing the system, without opposing it but ‘hacking it from within’ with a lot of finesse so to speak. He’s managed to create artistic projects with North Korea who are supposed to be this very closed-up and censoring nation, and has managed to create artistic events between his country Norway and North Korea, all of it through him creating relationships of trust over time with the people there. He said something quite interesting in one of his talks “if real dialogue is what you want, then you have to be prepared to learn from people you don’t like” and

“If you really want to test your own limits of tolerance and to try something new and something fresh, deal with somebody you would not like to deal with”

A lot of what absolutism represents to me is a unilateral perspective on what I’ve believed is ‘my way’ as ‘the right way’ and ‘how things have to be’ where I’ve invariably created a counter-part that I’ve then by default defined as ‘the opposite’ of everything I’ve stood for, and I didn’t realize how I was ‘by default’ again creating this separation by becoming absolutist in my ways.

The reason why I didn’t question this before is because I judged the things I stood for as ‘the right ones’ as the ‘noble ones’ and the principles that ‘everyone should stand by and live for’ which made it difficult for me to realize how I was in fact at the same time becoming rigid, unilateral, constricted and limited within such militant stance – not that the word ‘militant’ is ‘bad’ either because I found there is a way to live it without the ‘absolutism’ in it, which at the same time leads me to say that it’s not that absolutism cannot be redefined either, both words can be lived in a supportive manner which I’ll get to explain later on.

So, what does that ‘attraction’ represented to me in this time of my life? And I have to here outline that it’s not the usual kind of attraction as it’s usually experienced, but it’s more of a curiosity to want to know more about the person, how they got to be ‘who they are’ and express/live the way they do, which to me is a representation of self-trust through having had a lot of experiences of ‘going for it’ to create things and finding out what works, what doesn’t work, but overall Daring to do so, which is something I’ve been writing about. But I find it very useful to take on examples from other people living certain words in their lives to see how they ‘got to do so’ in practical terms. That’s how I’ve transformed a merely superficial experience of ‘attraction’ into actually getting to see what words that person that I am creating this experience towards is living that I can integrate and live for myself as well.

I wanted to share about Morten because in the way that he works and how he relates to people, he’s quite political in nature and I can see myself having similar stance and ways, yet he is not standing within the ‘current system’ of politics as is, but has taken his current position from within the system to hack it, to use it to expand its horizons, to expose it, to transgress it and to me that is quite innovative and takes a lot of guts.  

I would very much like to do something like that, maybe not in ‘the same way’ he’s managed to do at those political and diplomatic levels, but in my own context and current living situation, while also considering potentials for the future in it.

I got to know of him through watching the Laibach documentary going to play in North Korea called ‘Liberation Day’ which I definitely enjoyed, more so from the perspective of what this whole event represents ‘for the world’ in politics and culture and seeing the role that the film’s director had in it all, which is Morten in this case.

The band in itself represents an artistic mirror for fascism by becoming it, not going ‘against it’ but fully embodying it to then make art within/as it and expose it to itself. I consider that’s been quite a unique way of doing art and that’s how I’ve also looked at words like absolutism and militant which somehow I can resonate with a lot, but not within the context of the actual control they imply to limit, to exist in fear, to dictate, but more as expressions I can use to stand as that resolve, that rotund expression of life, of ‘this is who I am and what I stand for’ without standing ‘against’ anything or anyone, but learning to embrace and be flexible in it all at the same time, which may sound contradictory in theory, but that’s where the challenge begins, to stop seeing things ‘black or white’ and instead live words, aspects of words, what’s best for the words within a supportive starting point. It’s like learning to transcend those limitations created through those words/concepts by using them at the same time. I can live those words in a supportive manner as well.

What this artist represents to me is the courage to do what no one else would have maybe dared to do, to transcend limits that have been imposed through politics and cultural definitions and directly work with the people, establishing relationships with ‘the unthinkable’ which is represented in the quotes I placed from him above.

To me those are key words because I’ve become so used to ‘follow my own lines’ that I know I am limiting myself in my self-creation process if I only think in those ‘usual terms’ and that’s definitely the challenge here for me: to step out of ‘myself’ and see reality with a different pair of eyes, which means, stopping living in an absolutist manner where I think that ‘where I am and how I am is the right way and with the right principles and there’s nothing else to look at discovering or changing’ which of course also makes my life boring, because I am creating my own stagnation if I don’t dare to challenge even those tenets that I believe are ‘who I am and will always be’ by now… now that’s really pushing the envelope to me and even writing about it a little bit of an experience wants to emerge in the sense of saying ‘”Nooo! you can’t do that!” But who decides, really, who’s the real policeman in my head?

I have learned from innovative and ‘ahead of our time’ people – mostly artists – that in order to get anywhere, one has to dare to do things that would have been conceived as impossible or ‘out of the norm’ or ‘going against the tide’ by most – but without the antagonism in itself, because it’s not about fighting the system, not about just criticizing it – but having the cunning ways and skills to be entirely and fully into it to step into that self-authority of being in it but not of it, which is what I’ve seen Morten has managed to do with his art and projects, getting to speak  to certain ‘authorities’ in events about politics and culture and stand in the podium and make everyone question if the term ‘cultural diplomacy’ is in fact a paradox lol – that’s the kind of people that from my perspective we all need in all areas/spheres of our lives and this world, daring to have some guts to stand in those ‘echelons’ and speak things as they are, and that involves some words like courage, understanding, confidence, self-trust, frankness to express that, without holding his own views as ‘the right ones’ but in fact mentioning the importance of learning from each other for growth and expansion – his own words there.

I’ve never stopped referencing people that I’ve come to ‘admire’ or ‘be attracted to’ in order to see what words are they living that I can integrate into my own life and live it as myself. And most of them are artists or creative people in the formal sense of the world, which confirms that I am at the right place in what I choose to continue forming myself as and being within the realm of arts, and understanding art as self-creation from the individual to the existential sense, and I am rather grateful there are human beings I get to know and have relationships with that have challenged myself over the years to step out of my own cocoon, because every time it has pushed me to see life differently.

I’d find it very difficult if not impossible to do that if I was ‘a man living on an island’ so to speak, being alone and this is when I am grateful for every person that dares to put themselves out there, their creations, their experiences that I can reference and learn from, be it through artistic expressions like arts, music, films, documentaries or sharing their own writings in walking through their minds and day to day experience. To me that’s one way where I go opening myself up from this absolutism and rigid ways in which I’ve come to exist and go embracing more ways, more perspectives that can assist me to expand, grow and develop myself to where I definitely want to be living in and expressing as in my life, which I have no finite or settled outcome for, because I will precisely be flexible in testing out various ways while having a ‘settled direction’ which is to support myself, to push my own limits, to find out ‘who I am’ in my decisions and choices, learn from mistakes and  live life that way in the best way I can create for me and so for others at the same time – no longer having this finite ‘idea’ about myself or ‘who I should be’ because that is absolutist in nature, it is restrictive – but have an open floor from which I can allow myself to flow with it, to learn to trust myself in it, to dare to do things, to not ‘fear’ and be scared of stepping out of my eggshell and really live life without fear, because that’s the point that absolutism represents to me ultimately, a dimension of fear as control that I ultimately have to let go of in order to really grow.

 What does living in an absolutist and militant manner mean to me currently? Being absolute in my resolution, self-trust and capacity to walk through/ live through something and find who I am in it, in a holistic way – not half-assed, but testing out something fully, to live fully in a way which can only be done from my perspective if letting go of fear. To persevere, to stick to what I plan on doing, to be focused and determined in creating something and getting to see the result of it as my creation and be responsible in it, to own it as ‘my creation’ for the better or to learn from it as a mistake. To be efficient and patient at the same time acknowledging the work and dedication anything in this creation requires, so that’s a way in which I can be absolute and militant in my stance, without the morals, the fears, the judgments and self-imposed limitations I had lived as before.

And how do I eventually walk out of this ‘fixation’ towards a particular person? Once that I start living those words/aspects I see them living and integrate them into my own life, so, that’s what I’ll do from here on within my own life, living context and capacity.

Thanks for reading and, definitely have a listen to these supportive audios to reflect back on one’s own absolutism and so see where and how one can start creating the first steps to expand and grow out from it into a supportive manner.

My Life of Absolutism – Life Review

My Life of Absolutism (Part 2) – Life Review

My Life of Absolutism (Part 3) – Life Review

 

 If you don't try nothing will ever happen

 

Join us in our process of Self-Expression as LIFE


574. Embracing Maturity

Or deciding to accept the fruits of self-work as a consistent self-created quality in me

 

In the recent weeks I was able to notice some petty things that I still would ‘get me out of my center’ so to speak, where something as simple as rolling my eyes about a certain comment or situation that I would physically – by rolling eyes – judge as either ‘bothering’ or ‘too obvious already’ or in a moment of being shown my limitations became a playful moment where in seeing myself through another’s eyes, I became aware of this pattern that I’ve been living as a form of reminiscence of the ‘teenage me’ that is represented by having to ‘oppose’ something, being antagonistic or judgmental of things that aren’t standing in alignment with a particular personality I am embodying in a moment. Sounds a bit complex so, an example: if someone is bringing up a subject in me that I have created a strong opinion on, and that other person expresses something that goes ‘against that belief’ I have on it, then rolling my eyes would be a way to kind of say ‘ah well I disagree/that’s you not me/yeah whatever’ and in that moment I am not really being the considerate and understanding me, but I am instantly putting on this ‘suit’ of personality where I have limited myself quite a bit in a particular ‘way of thinking,’ which I was able to see with more clarity recently.

Another point is where I am of course at a point in life where time passes by and I am no longer the ’21 year old’ that was sharing her turmoil in life and all the rocky ups and downs of my experience – not to judge here an age though, but in my case it’s been 9 years and naturally things have progressed since then – which I realize I don’t have to ‘stick to’ as a way to feel that I’m still not ‘self-aware’ enough or that I still have some ‘personality traits’ to process, when I know that it simply requires me to let go of those limitations as habits and step into the potential of myself, which is devoid of such ‘inner troubles.’

Something else that apparently was ‘opposed’ to living maturity is ‘childish’ expression that I have at times judged or denied, but at the same time I’ve used it as a way to not give that ‘next step’ in my life, which opened up with looking at the word Maturity and embracing it in me, which is definitely ‘here’ in the way that I experience myself and in how I’m now seeing me, my life and my way forward in life.

Throughout this whole process with Desteni, I’ve been very much aware of all of the personalities that I had built as ‘myself’ and worked through them for the most part, though with that comes responsibility as well, a ‘next step’ in self-growth that will surely come with changes in life, making more self-aware decisions and in essence taking my life more seriously than before, which is where this ‘teenage me’ wanted to remain as, where I could still have some ‘leeway’ to not be entirely embodying a word such as maturity, because in a way I consider we all fear fully embodying that responsibility, fully stepping into the ‘creator’-suit and live the authority it implies which comes with full responsibility as well.

How I see it is that in this idea of being a ‘teenager’ or someone that is ‘not ready yet’ or ‘not ripe yet’, we create a comfort zone to – excuse the words – but fuck around with our potential, where we still want to remain like ‘children’ in a way where we don’t have to fully take our whole lives into our hands, and remain with a veil of conflict, of ‘not knowing,’ of ‘uncertainty,’ of ‘hardship’ and ‘foolishness’ but not the expressive one, but more like the denial of one’s capability to fully grow, expand, be ‘ripe’ and so mature as a result of what one has walked, worked and understood through something like this process of self-awareness and self-change as I’ve done with Desteni and the Desteni tools.

It is funny how I had many times projected this ‘teenage experience’ onto ‘humanity out there’ without fully taking the point back to myself to see how and in what ways I was still living this same ‘fear’ of ‘growing up’ to actually be the best that I know I can in every moment of my life and own my creation.

Interestingly enough, as much as I know I can fully take that position of living Maturity, there is a slight noise in the back of my head that would want to remain in this ‘lesser’ version of me, which is absolutely ludicrous, but that’s how we’ve conditioned ourselves to never fully step into the creative authority we can in fact live by, but still have this ‘leeway,’ this ‘gray area’ to remain ‘in the process’ eternally, to apparently ‘never be ready’ or never be fully ‘ripe’ to live to our fullest capacity, and that’s nothing else but self-manipulation coming in the ways of resistance and fears.

Now, some of the things I had to dispel from the word maturity is the idea that I would have to become ‘rigid’ or ‘stoic’ or ‘serious’ and stop being playful, foolish and fun – lol, it’s actually the other way around in fact, where this whole idea of me having to be serious, rigid, stoic, show ‘no emotion’ and be essentially this ‘poster idea of virtue’ is definitely only a personality that I did live out for most of my life in various ways, in various circles of people and I’m definitely ready to let go of those ideas that I created and so projected back at me as ‘who I am,’ and instead embrace myself, the expression that I see is most congruent with where I currently am in my life and being able to trust myself that whatever I decide to do, is my responsibility, I am aware of my capabilities, skills, my decisions, my weaknesses and strengths as I continue discovering more and more about myself, which is truly a fascinating process to me, even more so when I decide to make a significant change in my life that assists me in stepping out of old-age patterns, like the ones I’ve been describing in previous blogs about morality and this notion of ‘being an example for others’ in a form of personality or ego that became a limitation for me.

So, along with this maturity comes the ability to trust myself to express playfulness, to not let go of that expression that can be very childlike in me yet, this does not mean I cannot embrace this maturity at the same time, because I am the only one that has created such limitations of ‘what I can or should be’ and what I am apparently ‘not able to live yet.’

It’s really about deciding to live and embody words and some words like maturity to me are more of an outcome, a result, a consequence of various years now of self-work and giving me the right to recognize it as myself, the fruit of my work so to speak and stand as it without ego, without pretense or vainglory – but simply as the expression that I see is here as myself, yet I had in a way diminished or ‘covered it up’ to not fully embrace the responsibility that comes with it  – but! I’m definitely ready as I see the liberation and unleashing potential that comes with it.

To me this signifies my ability to choose letting go of ‘pettiness’ when it comes to these little ‘bothers’ that I’ve made a big deal in my life out of thinking that ‘I should still be ‘bothered’ by something’ or that ‘I cannot fully change something’, but, lol, who decides? I do! and I saw how these little ‘botherings’ are connected to personality suits to remain ‘limited’ and ‘diminished’ which makes no sense at all, because when stopping those I could see the mature, confident me that can still ‘roll eyes’ but do so in a playful manner and in awareness, as an expression, no more as an automated reaction based on an actual personality being triggered or accessed in a moment, and that’s what I want to be, someone that is ‘limitless’ in expression yet knowing every step of the way that ‘who I am’ in such expressions is truly me, in the moment – instead of acting out of mind-patterns and limitations, fears, judgments that I know I can let go of now, I just hadn’t made that full decision to do so yet, which is what I am actively working on currently.

All of this is also part of integrating that concept of ‘creative authority’ and what it means, which to me is like stepping into one’s optimum state and position in life where we can be the best for ourselves and so best for others as a by product of living ‘me’ to the fullest. And when I write this, memories of who I’ve been in the past come up whenever I denied taking that ‘leading role’ or whenever I feared being in the ‘center of the stage’ so to speak in taking a greater responsibility because of not wanting to fully assume my responsibility in it – and only now do I realize that that’s where real fulfillment exists in me, where I satisfy my capacity, where I ‘use’ what I am, the matter I am as life, to the best of my ability.

I also then assist myself in embracing this ‘result’ of self-work in my life, not in an egotistical manner seeking others’ praise and recognition –or as a form of superiority – but entirely accepting it, embracing it as who I am, as a result of something I’ve been putting effort and work on in my life, which makes absolute sense to get to a certain stage of ‘maturity’ in something, a phase of expertise, of gathering more confidence in being effective in something after putting the time and effort into it, instead of believing that I will always remain ‘flawed’ and ‘on the way’ and ‘in process’ of getting to a basic self-stability and fulfillment.

Now, this does not mean I am ‘done’ in any way with any self-creative process, not at all. I consider this that we call ‘the process’ is really a continual thing for the rest of our existence – not even limited to ‘this lifetime’ – so I am not speaking in those terms, but certainly acknowledging the phases that I can in self-honesty assess I’ve walked through, which then opens up the way for what’s next, which is an expansion, growth, more challenges and a ton more to discover, change, learn and fine tune about myself, while also acknowledging these ‘milestones’ in deciding, assessing and recognizing when we are ‘ripe’ within ourselves. Maybe I have been so for some time, but I had not dared to declare it, accept it or embrace it, so this is me placing this word in front of my eyes to embrace it and continue exploring the ways in which I can live it out as who I am and who I want to live and express as myself.

Here I share a supportive couple of audios from Eqafe.com that assisted me to realize this ‘authority’ that we essentially have to give to ourselves. I fully recommend them in order to decide to take that ‘next step’ in self-creation and self-change:

 

Thanks for reading.

 

IMG_6845

 

Join us in our process of Self-Expression as LIFE


573. What is Right? What is Wrong?

Or transforming morality into a practical assessment of what’s here for me to live, decide and act on as my creative authority

What does seeing through what is apparently ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ mean? How to step out of the morality construct that I’ve been limiting myself with? This all starts with the simplicity of judging certain things as right or good and some others as bad or wrong. Who decides what these are? I do. And I know, morality is such a big word and it has shaped a lot of who we are as human beings, partly because of religious constructs that were built to create fear, control and in a way yes, regulate some of the most harmful and abusive ways that we have as human beings. However, as much as it could have served a purpose throughout our past, we can definitely start evolving into a form of self-direction, self-authority, self-forgiveness and self-responsible change that doesn’t require an idea of heaven, a reward, a judgment, a punishment or fear to drive our change of actions other than doing it for ourselves, because ‘I matter’ because ‘we matter’ to each other and in what we create in our reality.

So, even if I could have said before ‘I am not a religious person’ ehm ehm, well, the moment that I am judging something as the ‘right thing to do’ or ‘good’ and ‘benevolent’ proves that I create a religion, a set of beliefs within me where I guide what I do based on an idea, a belief, a creed of sorts that I immediately come up with, without giving a second thought to consider practical reality. So morality comes in the same of that ‘immediate thought’ of ‘that’s wrong! That’s bad!’ or immediately jumping into defining something as ‘good’ or ‘benevolent’ and feel an upliftment about it based on an idea of what it represents in my head.

However, these are only ideas as judgments, they are all aspects or parts of myself that I’ve come to be so used to judge as ‘good’ or ‘bad’, constantly assessing and analyzing what I should or should not do within a value-system created through morality as ‘good’ or ‘bad.’

Ultimately morality is a construct of fear and control used throughout a phase or time in our lives as human beings where we didn’t develop ways to develop our responsibility as creators of reality, and so had to be ‘managed’ through fear, though ideas of burning hells and punishment – lol – just look at religion and realize the fear, the suffering, the punishment, the bliss, the heavenly pleasures embedded to ‘moral constructs’ of right and wrong, good and evil.

 

Well, I can definitely see how much I have limited myself within such mentality, which is linked to the whole construct I’ve been opening up recently of being ‘morally upright’ and ‘virtuous’ and ‘being an example’ and all of these words that I turned into another personality or ‘frame of mind’ through which I was at the same time judging, discriminating and eventually fearing doing, acting, thinking or considering certain things because of deeming them as ‘bad’ or ‘wrong’ or standing as the opposite of what I wanted to ‘show’ of myself or believe that I simply ‘should’ stick to the ‘good side’ of things. But, who defines what these limits are? I do and not in a very practical manner, but based on ideas, beliefs, fears, judgments, coming from social conventions, from religious dogmas, from fears.

But again, I am the only one in my head creating these limitations as ‘right or wrong,’ I am the only one doing this to me at a thought level where many times I’ve even refrained myself from ‘trying something out’ because of still seeing myself, my reality, my actions through these eyes of ‘what is right or wrong,’ and in a way ignoring or not seeing how that judgment of ‘that is wrong,’ or ‘I’m not going to do that because it’s not right’ is a limitation, mostly stemming from a social construct, a belief, an accepted limitation at a judgment level that I then turn into a real obstacle for me to not take the steps and ‘dare’ to do something or change something or test something out, step into the unknown which to me is a first step for actual change most of the times, if not all the time.  

This is where I want to look at what would be a practical way to, in every moment, stop referring to my old-age morality of ‘what is right and wrong’ and transgress my own limitations by doing a simple and ‘on the spot’ assessment of what is right for me in a moment, which is not about a belief or idea of it being’ right’ in fact, but more turning this into a looking, a seeing, an observing within a functional context, such as considering ‘what works for me in this moment? What is practical for me to do? What am I capable of doing or conducting in this moment? Am I willing and able to walk through this decision with its consequences, outflows and outcomes whichever way they might be?

Now here I am placing the responsibility entirely on myself, within a reality context that will have real consequences, real creations – rather than going into my mind and limiting myself based on an idea, belief or construct of ‘what is right or wrong to do’ in any given situation, which I consider is a functional foundation for self-creation, being ‘playful’ with creation and taking that necessary initial ‘leap’ that any form of change implies, while doing a quick assessment of what one can live with in terms of the effects, consequences and outcomes of such moment’s decision and actions.

Within this I realize how much I have limited myself in what I do based on this ‘idea’ of myself as a certain kind of person that ‘only talks about certain kind of topics,’ that is supposed to ‘always act/behave in a certain manner’ and all of these ideas of myself hide a wide array of constructs of why it is ‘right’ for me to do, say, act or belief certain things and why it would be ‘wrong’ for me to do something outside of what I believe I am only able or capable or ‘suitable’ to think, say and do.

Now, this isn’t about libertinage in the sense of giving a ‘free reign’ to ‘whatever I want to do’ in a rather foolish extremism of ‘there’s no more right and wrong therefore anything goes!’ where for example harm or abuse is conducted to myself or others – nope. Morality is definitely not the same as considering reality principles, such as ‘every action has a reaction or consequence’, considering doing onto others what I’d like others to do onto myself and others, to consider the responsibility of my actions and inactions, to live and give to others what I’d like others to consider giving to themselves and others as well as co-creators in this world… Now these are very ‘broad’ statements, but to me it speaks more about considering what I am willing to ‘live with’ in making decisions, in taking the steps to create something in my reality that I can now assess based on practical matters, considering the consequences, the practical outflows and potentials of what I can walk with, what I can learn from it, the purpose, the intent, the words I can live in deciding to do something – rather than only seeing it through a very limited – and usually instant – scope of ‘what’s right to do’ and what’s ‘wrong to do’ in my head, where no reality or practical considerations are taken into account.

I consider that it’s much more practical to make informed decisions, make a practical plan and see potential outcomes to then see what is the ‘right’ path or decision for me to take according to that context, that moment in time, my life, my experience, my moment – which cannot be defined by any ‘set in stone’ ideas of what is right or wrong – every decision, moment, path is unique in itself, according to each person, each context, in a moment of each one’s life and so what is ‘right’ for me to do is to consider what’s practical, what can work, what I am willing to walk through and live the results thereof, live with the consequences and at the same time, very important: be ok with making mistakes, not judging myself, but rather being able to trust my assessment in that one moment, being able to trust myself in being fully present in that moment of making such decision and ‘staying true to myself,’ whichever this ‘truth’ might be for me at the time/context and standing by my creative authority, taking the risks, taking the steps to do it and consider the responsibility it entails, which to me is part of an active process of change considering that we are mostly keeping ourselves in our seemingly ‘safe spots’ because of all the fears we got to actually take the steps into the unknown, which is usually what we have denied ourselves from doing because of deeming it as ‘not for us’ or ‘bad’ or ‘wrong’ or seeing ourselves as ‘unfit’ or ‘incapable’ for something…. But who defines that? Who decides that? We do, therefore we can turn the tables and take the steps to challenge our self-imposed limitations, within the realm of reality and consequences.

The practical process for me here is in the context of transcending and transforming this morality construct: whenever I see myself considering that I should ‘not’ do something because of referencing back to ideas, beliefs of perceptions of ‘who I am and should be’ at my eyes and the eyes of others, I have to stop myself and rather assess it in the form of ‘Am I willing to live with the outflow/consequence or result of taking this/that path or decision and live it in every step of the way?’ ‘Am I willing to walk this decision in this moment and take responsibility for the result as my creation?’

And this doesn’t even imply a ‘beginning or end’ or ‘sticking to something just because I decided to do so’ because who knows? Sometimes we will find right at the start or half-way through the process that what seemed ‘the right way’ when we made the decision ended up not being ‘the right way’ and so give ourselves again that creative authority to change our mind, to change our direction and find another path for us, decide on what’s the ‘right way’ to go in that moment which is more like saying ‘what can work better’ or what can function better now that I know that what seemed ‘right’ turned out to not be the way, turned to be the ‘wrong way’ for me in this moment – and again! Just for that moment, because: who knows? We might find it suitable in another time in our lives – instead of for example beating us down and bashing ourselves for ‘taking the wrong path’ or ‘making mistakes’ because that’s again morality construct speaking, not creative authority.

I’ve definitely lived for so long believing that I had to keep myself ‘on the right path’ all the time, which led me to then deliberately test going to the ‘opposite pole’ in an attempt to ‘transcend my limitations’ or ‘transcend morality’ but this is not about going to extremes, but about practical self-responsible assessment of what I’m willing to do and live with in every moment of my actions or inactions, and walk it through, keeping an awareness of what I’m doing, creating, and even if I ‘lose track of myself’ at times, be ok with it, knowing again that I got myself, my reference points as principles and going again at it, living.

This is where I disengage the ‘notion’ of living as ‘doing the right thing’ all the time, and instead learn to live life as the plethora of experiences that one walks through in it, without judgment, without fear. Sounds really nice and easy, but it actually entails to me in every moment that I see a limitation coming up in the form of right/wrong or fears and judgments, I have to stop myself and rather ask myself what am I willing to do, live with and walk with within this decision? Am I able to develop and learn and walk what it takes to do this? And then that becomes a more dynamic approach to life where I can let go of ‘what ifs’ and ‘fears’ that I have stifled myself with for so long.

Now again, it’s easily said, but the proof is in the pudding, so this is just the story board of the actions to take from now on in my life to see what works, what doesn’t work, testing things out, considering common sense, considering what’s best for all in practical terms of my reality, the impact of my creation, my words, my actions on myself and others – and that’s quite a physical process to take into consideration.

Ok, that’s it for now. Thanks for reading.

 

 

Join us in our process of Self-Expression as LIFE


572. Selfishness and Equilibrium in Self Creation

Or redefining selfishness

I am looking at this word with the purpose of practically using it as a way to integrate ‘me-time’ and self-consideration when it comes to day to day living activities where, as I’ve explained in the past, I’ve had a tendency to put-off everything that had to do with ‘me-time’ and self-enjoyment time and instead geared myself with the idea of ‘always having to be doing something I’d define as productive, of use to others, of benefit to others’ and in that, create certain satisfaction of yes ‘producing something’ that to my eyes and consideration is of ‘worth’ and ‘value’ based on the support It could directly provide to others, but in this, I was at the same time neglecting this me-time where I can in fact disconnect from everything/everyone and as this awesome recording Wanting to Get Away From it All – Quantum Systemization – Part 155 explains, have this time where one does something for oneself, for one’s enjoyment at least for an hour every day.

I’ve walked in a way quite a process with this, because I’ve made it a habit to go walking on almost a daily basis for almost a decade now and I’ve defined that as the ‘me time’ where I go out for more than an hour and get away from computer and my usual environment where I created that deliberately notion of ‘I have to be doing something’, which has been supportive over time and an enjoyable time.

However, there were other hobbies and things I previously enjoyed doing that I completely put off and stopped doing altogether, like arts – painting, drawing, photography – because of defining it as something ‘selfish to do’ because I deemed it as ‘not useful for anyone’ as in ‘benefitting them in their life and process’ which was the kind of logic that I’ve used for quite some time to constantly decide and assess what I ‘should be doing’ and in that, I definitely refrained myself many times from actually doing what I’ve naturally enjoyed doing for myself before, including reading, playing music which I have to be quite honest I haven’t done in a very long time.

To me this denial of doing that which I enjoyed became a definition of a ‘virtue’ as I explained in previous blogs, and in that believing that this was part of the process, to stop doing that which would give me some kind of enjoyment or personal satisfaction and only focus on that which ‘benefits everyone else’ in one way or another. However this is only at a mind level, because I definitely not only did that with my time in reality, I could have easily integrated this ‘me time’ or ‘selfish time’ while continuing doing what I was focusing on at the time in the past, but in my absolutism, extremism and ‘black or white’ mentality, I tended to completely ‘cut my arm off’ and believe that I just could not give me the time to do something that I judged in one way or another as ‘selfish to do.’

Now, where did notion of ‘having to deny to myself’ doing that which I would naturally enjoy doing and that I had judged as ‘unproductive, useless, good for no one’ led me? Well, it was leading me to a reality of not building anything for/as myself that I could genuinely call ‘me’ and ‘for myself’ entirely, in a way having this ‘selfish activity’ where I can not only enjoy myself but actually support me to transcend all of the judgments, denials, ideas, beliefs and even self-doubt and giving up experiences that I’ve imposed onto something as seemingly ‘simple’ as painting or doing any form of artwork.

So, it is so as the audio I mentioned above explains on how in only focusing on one’s work/responsibilities, on what we have to constantly be doing ‘for others,’ and not taking time for oneself,  one is actually missing out on oneself, not really getting in contact with who we are, what we want to do and in fact see what is it that I have left ‘behind’ in this notion that ‘I cannot be selfish with my time’ and have denied myself to do that I in fact enjoy and assists me the most in developing my creative potential as a person, learn more about myself and even assists me in expanding and growing, which I had completely forgotten about myself how dedicate and detailed I can be when doing something that I am enjoying to give shape to : )

Interestingly enough I had not entirely seen how my idea of giving up something ‘selfish’ was in fact also due to the various patterns that emerge within me when having a ‘blank slate’ and create something in the moment, which even as I write this there is this very slight movement that I feel on my forearms, almost like a physical remembrance of how I have to dare and make decisions to move, to do, to create something while facing the inner judge  where I would constantly say ‘no’ to what I defined as my ‘selfish desires’ and instead direct me to do something that I defined as more productive, of support for others, advancing work/responsibilities, etc.

So the consequences of not giving myself this ‘selfish time’ so to speak is, as I’ve been explaining before, that I did get to a point of feeling like there is something ‘missing’ in it all. One can be a very ‘responsible’ person for something set that we have to do on a daily basis, but one is not really developing, growing and expanding out of one’s comfort zone which becomes work, responsibilities, and the ‘daily tasks’ that are constant or ‘always the same,’ which leads to a dissatisfaction about one’s life with an experience of lostness of ‘where am I within this whole equation? Where am I going with my life? What is it that I am creating for me, for myself, that I enjoy and that is not related to constantly doing it ‘for money/ for others’? And that’s how I opened up the point of doing art again, because of the ‘conflictive’ relationship I had created towards it within myself based on this morality-eye of it being something ‘selfish’ for me to do, almost existing in a denial of enjoyment, of having this thing that I do for, as and by myself.

Another example is I thoroughly enjoy putting jigsaw puzzles together. In past years I’ve done quite a few, thousands of pieces etc. yet, I started judging it as ‘a waste of time,’ as something that is ‘insignificant to do’ or that doesn’t ‘benefit anyone else,’ and in that, have stopped making them, except for a time when I got sick some 4 years ago where I was ‘ordered by doctor’ to rest more, which was also the result of me taking a sudden leap of ‘taking responsibility’ for something in an attempt to ‘direct the ship’ in an unprecedented situation so to speak, which over time ‘led me’ but in fact ‘I led myself to’ have a form of burnout manifested in my physical body in quite an obvious manner. So that’s the time I last made a puzzle… so! should I wait to get sick again and be ‘ordered to take some rest’ to then ‘give me the permission’ to do something I enjoy/for fun? Hell no. It might not be ‘puzzles’ right now, but it sure can be something else that I enjoyed.

This also leads me to touch on the word ‘leisure’ as well because I’ve had a ‘no go’ relationship to this word where the notion of ‘taking time off’ or ‘vacation’ sounds good but it’s never a ‘full disconnect’ for me, and it hasn’t been that way for many, many years, probably 7 years where I had restrained access to internet in order to fully disconnect from everything. And, I discovered that’s where I then focused more on my relationships with people, on enjoying the moments with ‘doing nothing’ or watching others’ lives go by and what did I naturally geared myself to? Photography. Yet at the time, there was a constant nagging thought of ‘all the work/responsibilities I’m missing out on right now’ and ‘all that I will eventually have to catch up to’ which became a form of ‘anxiety,’ which is not cool at all. I mean, if it’s vacation, it should be full vacation, completely disconnecting, and I’ve sort of tested that recently though not fully to the point of not seeing my cellphone in one entire day. Not sure that will be possible either, or at least that’s what I think at the moment, yet even if it’s not a possibility for me to ‘fully disconnect’ for some time, it can be done for a couple of hours a day and stop having this ‘work, work, work’ mentality as well, which is in a way out of a judgment and fear of ‘not being productive,’ of not doing ‘something supportive for others’ or fearing ‘being irresponsible’ in the day and in that of course implying that I’ve valued what I do and am based on how it ‘relates to others,’ instead of entirely doing it for me, as myself, my decision, my responsibility and point of accountability, which is quite different than placing ‘others’ as ‘my reason for being/doing/living.’

What I just explained is the ‘selflessness’ that I have to turn into a form of practical and moderate selfishness of course – not going into the extreme – where the principle as Bernard Poolman once shared – paraphrasing – “if you are best for you, then you are best for all” which I ‘thought’ I was doing and living already, but it takes one good look at oneself to see how much I was denying, refraining or judging myself for doing it based on seeing it through the eyes of ‘selfishness’ while at the same time covering up the actual ‘uncharted territory’ that having this me-time in fact implies as an opportunity for self-creation in whichever way I decide it to be.

What does living a practical and considerate form of selfishness as ‘me time’ or ‘living for and as myself’ mean? Two things for me:  I have to be the starting point and origin of everything I do, to stop doing things based on morality of what’s ‘good for others’ and what’s ‘useless for others’ and secondly, make a self-honest decision about how I decide to spend my time, to distribute my responsibilities throughout the day in a way where I can also ensure I give me some ‘me time’ to do what is now a form of hobby yet also ‘work’ at the same time, and stop having what I believe are ‘others eyes’ on top of that, because it’s really only been myself and my own judgments towards doing something ‘for me’ that have limited my ability to actually do it, and nope this is not a self-victimization point because I am fully aware how I did this entirely for myself, ever since I was a little girl, having this ‘duty’ mindset as my own policeman in the head, lol which proves how I had to make of ‘school work’ also art work in order to feel responsible AND creative at the same time! LOL! That’s why I didn’t have an issue with ‘how I would spend my time’ back then because I linked both ‘responsibility’ and ‘hobby’ in one, which matched my workaholic personality,  yet I don’t need to place myself ‘in school’ to do the same and I’ve been implementing this for the past weeks with cool results in my scheduling.

This is another way of looking at living creative authority, where I decide to make changes in how I approach my life, my time, my responsibilities, my ‘me time’ and see how I do/how it goes as I implement and live these changes on a daily basis.

Sure, there are some changes on how I approach things thus far, a bit less with a rush of having to be ‘on top of all things’ and whenever I get to still do that, I am learning to check with myself to see if I am pressuring myself, to the point of ‘sacrificing’ something that I ‘really wanted to do for myself’ for the sake of ‘fulfilling’ certain ideas of myself through stuff/things that I would usually do, which I also know as a somewhat former ‘workaholic’ it becomes a very ‘justifiable’ comfort zone to not be with ourselves, learn to enjoy ourselves, discover who we are when having this ‘free time’ and our creative abilities in whichever way they exist in each one of us, because that’s what has been challenging to me, and to stop the ‘dutiful’ mindset in the midst of it all, therefore that’s a current walking process for me.

What have I found in this relative ‘short’ time of giving myself more time ‘for me’ is that there is a lively spark emerging in me, based on having a reconciliation with doing arts and creating a project for it in the long run, which is certainly something that I vaguely had ‘in mind’ since the beginning of the year, but now it’s definitely a more settled and ongoing path which required me to get things going in all practical ways, from making the space to do art and then actually taking the time of the day for it, which is great so far. Now! The point is to diversify it because, as I explained, I can become artsy workaholic LOL so, I’ll look at integrating other different things to do for myself, which is a walking process as I speak. 

Now what does that mean if I become best for me as a fulfilled individual that is not only taking responsibility for things, tasks, commitments ‘as usual’ but also takes the time for personal recreation and leisure and self-enjoyment? Well that’s definitely the kind of life that I consider we should all have where there’s an equilibrium in doing what we ‘have to do’ based on yes living in a survival system, requiring money and the rest of it – and also giving oneself this me-time which definitely assists in placing our lives/our ways/our paths into perspective and leaves space for creation, self-creation, creativity, recreation – whichever way it can be placed – which is a regenerative process as I see it, very necessary to be in fact self-satisfied, which will prevent me from getting to a point in life where I’m bitter, dissatisfied and believing I’ve done ‘so much for others’ but not really living my life for and as myself.

So! I prevent myself from doing that from here on and create an equilibrium in my day to day living, which means I become a ‘healthy’ person that is living in a world of yes responsibilities, tasks, commitments and ‘selfish time’ or ‘me time’, where I am a part of the whole that lives according to what I consider is suitable, healthy, balanced and enjoyable for/as life itself in this reality.  

Thanks for reading.

 Artwork002 color

                                                         

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