Category Archives: Deconstruction of Self

577. Creative Expansion

Or reflecting on the nature of absolutism and how to learn from others to transform it into a supportive expression

I had a laugh with myself while listening to this audio here My Life of Absolutism (Part 3) – Life Review because I tend to do so when something or someone reflects me back to myself in such an accurate way, and it also can be a temporary way to cope with the blunt image of myself through someone else’s words to then take it through an actual assimilation of what that description of this person as being an ‘absolutist’ means and the consequences it created in his life. I could see myself in his shoes and even wondered that if I had been a male, I would have probably taken it even one step further just like he did towards people.

An interesting thing that has also been quite present for the past month or so is my relationship with people that to me represent the opposite of ‘absolutism,’ people that are more ‘free flowing’ or have learned to stand in the system yet ‘twist it from within’ and not in an antagonistic manner, but more like being able to stand within it/as it and change it from within or assist in reflecting back the nature of the system in a fun way evidencing that there is something we have to change about it within ourselves.

I’m talking about artists for the most part and how there are times when I create specific ‘fixations’ towards certain artists/people/individuals that appear ‘attractive’ to me but not in a physical attraction mode only, but more in the sense of looking at the words they rare living and expressing in how they live/who they are, at least in anything that I have access to at the moment.

I noticed that I created this same experience towards an artist called Morten Traavik, who to me initially appeared to be quite the ‘absolutist’ kind, very frank, direct, diplomatic yet almost ‘militant’ in how he approaches things but not within the context of aligning to ‘how things are’ but in the context of transgressing the system, without opposing it but ‘hacking it from within’ with a lot of finesse so to speak. He’s managed to create artistic projects with North Korea who are supposed to be this very closed-up and censoring nation, and has managed to create artistic events between his country Norway and North Korea, all of it through him creating relationships of trust over time with the people there. He said something quite interesting in one of his talks “if real dialogue is what you want, then you have to be prepared to learn from people you don’t like” and

“If you really want to test your own limits of tolerance and to try something new and something fresh, deal with somebody you would not like to deal with”

A lot of what absolutism represents to me is a unilateral perspective on what I’ve believed is ‘my way’ as ‘the right way’ and ‘how things have to be’ where I’ve invariably created a counter-part that I’ve then by default defined as ‘the opposite’ of everything I’ve stood for, and I didn’t realize how I was ‘by default’ again creating this separation by becoming absolutist in my ways.

The reason why I didn’t question this before is because I judged the things I stood for as ‘the right ones’ as the ‘noble ones’ and the principles that ‘everyone should stand by and live for’ which made it difficult for me to realize how I was in fact at the same time becoming rigid, unilateral, constricted and limited within such militant stance – not that the word ‘militant’ is ‘bad’ either because I found there is a way to live it without the ‘absolutism’ in it, which at the same time leads me to say that it’s not that absolutism cannot be redefined either, both words can be lived in a supportive manner which I’ll get to explain later on.

So, what does that ‘attraction’ represented to me in this time of my life? And I have to here outline that it’s not the usual kind of attraction as it’s usually experienced, but it’s more of a curiosity to want to know more about the person, how they got to be ‘who they are’ and express/live the way they do, which to me is a representation of self-trust through having had a lot of experiences of ‘going for it’ to create things and finding out what works, what doesn’t work, but overall Daring to do so, which is something I’ve been writing about. But I find it very useful to take on examples from other people living certain words in their lives to see how they ‘got to do so’ in practical terms. That’s how I’ve transformed a merely superficial experience of ‘attraction’ into actually getting to see what words that person that I am creating this experience towards is living that I can integrate and live for myself as well.

I wanted to share about Morten because in the way that he works and how he relates to people, he’s quite political in nature and I can see myself having similar stance and ways, yet he is not standing within the ‘current system’ of politics as is, but has taken his current position from within the system to hack it, to use it to expand its horizons, to expose it, to transgress it and to me that is quite innovative and takes a lot of guts.  

I would very much like to do something like that, maybe not in ‘the same way’ he’s managed to do at those political and diplomatic levels, but in my own context and current living situation, while also considering potentials for the future in it.

I got to know of him through watching the Laibach documentary going to play in North Korea called ‘Liberation Day’ which I definitely enjoyed, more so from the perspective of what this whole event represents ‘for the world’ in politics and culture and seeing the role that the film’s director had in it all, which is Morten in this case.

The band in itself represents an artistic mirror for fascism by becoming it, not going ‘against it’ but fully embodying it to then make art within/as it and expose it to itself. I consider that’s been quite a unique way of doing art and that’s how I’ve also looked at words like absolutism and militant which somehow I can resonate with a lot, but not within the context of the actual control they imply to limit, to exist in fear, to dictate, but more as expressions I can use to stand as that resolve, that rotund expression of life, of ‘this is who I am and what I stand for’ without standing ‘against’ anything or anyone, but learning to embrace and be flexible in it all at the same time, which may sound contradictory in theory, but that’s where the challenge begins, to stop seeing things ‘black or white’ and instead live words, aspects of words, what’s best for the words within a supportive starting point. It’s like learning to transcend those limitations created through those words/concepts by using them at the same time. I can live those words in a supportive manner as well.

What this artist represents to me is the courage to do what no one else would have maybe dared to do, to transcend limits that have been imposed through politics and cultural definitions and directly work with the people, establishing relationships with ‘the unthinkable’ which is represented in the quotes I placed from him above.

To me those are key words because I’ve become so used to ‘follow my own lines’ that I know I am limiting myself in my self-creation process if I only think in those ‘usual terms’ and that’s definitely the challenge here for me: to step out of ‘myself’ and see reality with a different pair of eyes, which means, stopping living in an absolutist manner where I think that ‘where I am and how I am is the right way and with the right principles and there’s nothing else to look at discovering or changing’ which of course also makes my life boring, because I am creating my own stagnation if I don’t dare to challenge even those tenets that I believe are ‘who I am and will always be’ by now… now that’s really pushing the envelope to me and even writing about it a little bit of an experience wants to emerge in the sense of saying ‘”Nooo! you can’t do that!” But who decides, really, who’s the real policeman in my head?

I have learned from innovative and ‘ahead of our time’ people – mostly artists – that in order to get anywhere, one has to dare to do things that would have been conceived as impossible or ‘out of the norm’ or ‘going against the tide’ by most – but without the antagonism in itself, because it’s not about fighting the system, not about just criticizing it – but having the cunning ways and skills to be entirely and fully into it to step into that self-authority of being in it but not of it, which is what I’ve seen Morten has managed to do with his art and projects, getting to speak  to certain ‘authorities’ in events about politics and culture and stand in the podium and make everyone question if the term ‘cultural diplomacy’ is in fact a paradox lol – that’s the kind of people that from my perspective we all need in all areas/spheres of our lives and this world, daring to have some guts to stand in those ‘echelons’ and speak things as they are, and that involves some words like courage, understanding, confidence, self-trust, frankness to express that, without holding his own views as ‘the right ones’ but in fact mentioning the importance of learning from each other for growth and expansion – his own words there.

I’ve never stopped referencing people that I’ve come to ‘admire’ or ‘be attracted to’ in order to see what words are they living that I can integrate into my own life and live it as myself. And most of them are artists or creative people in the formal sense of the world, which confirms that I am at the right place in what I choose to continue forming myself as and being within the realm of arts, and understanding art as self-creation from the individual to the existential sense, and I am rather grateful there are human beings I get to know and have relationships with that have challenged myself over the years to step out of my own cocoon, because every time it has pushed me to see life differently.

I’d find it very difficult if not impossible to do that if I was ‘a man living on an island’ so to speak, being alone and this is when I am grateful for every person that dares to put themselves out there, their creations, their experiences that I can reference and learn from, be it through artistic expressions like arts, music, films, documentaries or sharing their own writings in walking through their minds and day to day experience. To me that’s one way where I go opening myself up from this absolutism and rigid ways in which I’ve come to exist and go embracing more ways, more perspectives that can assist me to expand, grow and develop myself to where I definitely want to be living in and expressing as in my life, which I have no finite or settled outcome for, because I will precisely be flexible in testing out various ways while having a ‘settled direction’ which is to support myself, to push my own limits, to find out ‘who I am’ in my decisions and choices, learn from mistakes and  live life that way in the best way I can create for me and so for others at the same time – no longer having this finite ‘idea’ about myself or ‘who I should be’ because that is absolutist in nature, it is restrictive – but have an open floor from which I can allow myself to flow with it, to learn to trust myself in it, to dare to do things, to not ‘fear’ and be scared of stepping out of my eggshell and really live life without fear, because that’s the point that absolutism represents to me ultimately, a dimension of fear as control that I ultimately have to let go of in order to really grow.

 What does living in an absolutist and militant manner mean to me currently? Being absolute in my resolution, self-trust and capacity to walk through/ live through something and find who I am in it, in a holistic way – not half-assed, but testing out something fully, to live fully in a way which can only be done from my perspective if letting go of fear. To persevere, to stick to what I plan on doing, to be focused and determined in creating something and getting to see the result of it as my creation and be responsible in it, to own it as ‘my creation’ for the better or to learn from it as a mistake. To be efficient and patient at the same time acknowledging the work and dedication anything in this creation requires, so that’s a way in which I can be absolute and militant in my stance, without the morals, the fears, the judgments and self-imposed limitations I had lived as before.

And how do I eventually walk out of this ‘fixation’ towards a particular person? Once that I start living those words/aspects I see them living and integrate them into my own life, so, that’s what I’ll do from here on within my own life, living context and capacity.

Thanks for reading and, definitely have a listen to these supportive audios to reflect back on one’s own absolutism and so see where and how one can start creating the first steps to expand and grow out from it into a supportive manner.

My Life of Absolutism – Life Review

My Life of Absolutism (Part 2) – Life Review

My Life of Absolutism (Part 3) – Life Review

 

 If you don't try nothing will ever happen

 

Join us in our process of Self-Expression as LIFE


574. Embracing Maturity

Or deciding to accept the fruits of self-work as a consistent self-created quality in me

 

In the recent weeks I was able to notice some petty things that I still would ‘get me out of my center’ so to speak, where something as simple as rolling my eyes about a certain comment or situation that I would physically – by rolling eyes – judge as either ‘bothering’ or ‘too obvious already’ or in a moment of being shown my limitations became a playful moment where in seeing myself through another’s eyes, I became aware of this pattern that I’ve been living as a form of reminiscence of the ‘teenage me’ that is represented by having to ‘oppose’ something, being antagonistic or judgmental of things that aren’t standing in alignment with a particular personality I am embodying in a moment. Sounds a bit complex so, an example: if someone is bringing up a subject in me that I have created a strong opinion on, and that other person expresses something that goes ‘against that belief’ I have on it, then rolling my eyes would be a way to kind of say ‘ah well I disagree/that’s you not me/yeah whatever’ and in that moment I am not really being the considerate and understanding me, but I am instantly putting on this ‘suit’ of personality where I have limited myself quite a bit in a particular ‘way of thinking,’ which I was able to see with more clarity recently.

Another point is where I am of course at a point in life where time passes by and I am no longer the ’21 year old’ that was sharing her turmoil in life and all the rocky ups and downs of my experience – not to judge here an age though, but in my case it’s been 9 years and naturally things have progressed since then – which I realize I don’t have to ‘stick to’ as a way to feel that I’m still not ‘self-aware’ enough or that I still have some ‘personality traits’ to process, when I know that it simply requires me to let go of those limitations as habits and step into the potential of myself, which is devoid of such ‘inner troubles.’

Something else that apparently was ‘opposed’ to living maturity is ‘childish’ expression that I have at times judged or denied, but at the same time I’ve used it as a way to not give that ‘next step’ in my life, which opened up with looking at the word Maturity and embracing it in me, which is definitely ‘here’ in the way that I experience myself and in how I’m now seeing me, my life and my way forward in life.

Throughout this whole process with Desteni, I’ve been very much aware of all of the personalities that I had built as ‘myself’ and worked through them for the most part, though with that comes responsibility as well, a ‘next step’ in self-growth that will surely come with changes in life, making more self-aware decisions and in essence taking my life more seriously than before, which is where this ‘teenage me’ wanted to remain as, where I could still have some ‘leeway’ to not be entirely embodying a word such as maturity, because in a way I consider we all fear fully embodying that responsibility, fully stepping into the ‘creator’-suit and live the authority it implies which comes with full responsibility as well.

How I see it is that in this idea of being a ‘teenager’ or someone that is ‘not ready yet’ or ‘not ripe yet’, we create a comfort zone to – excuse the words – but fuck around with our potential, where we still want to remain like ‘children’ in a way where we don’t have to fully take our whole lives into our hands, and remain with a veil of conflict, of ‘not knowing,’ of ‘uncertainty,’ of ‘hardship’ and ‘foolishness’ but not the expressive one, but more like the denial of one’s capability to fully grow, expand, be ‘ripe’ and so mature as a result of what one has walked, worked and understood through something like this process of self-awareness and self-change as I’ve done with Desteni and the Desteni tools.

It is funny how I had many times projected this ‘teenage experience’ onto ‘humanity out there’ without fully taking the point back to myself to see how and in what ways I was still living this same ‘fear’ of ‘growing up’ to actually be the best that I know I can in every moment of my life and own my creation.

Interestingly enough, as much as I know I can fully take that position of living Maturity, there is a slight noise in the back of my head that would want to remain in this ‘lesser’ version of me, which is absolutely ludicrous, but that’s how we’ve conditioned ourselves to never fully step into the creative authority we can in fact live by, but still have this ‘leeway,’ this ‘gray area’ to remain ‘in the process’ eternally, to apparently ‘never be ready’ or never be fully ‘ripe’ to live to our fullest capacity, and that’s nothing else but self-manipulation coming in the ways of resistance and fears.

Now, some of the things I had to dispel from the word maturity is the idea that I would have to become ‘rigid’ or ‘stoic’ or ‘serious’ and stop being playful, foolish and fun – lol, it’s actually the other way around in fact, where this whole idea of me having to be serious, rigid, stoic, show ‘no emotion’ and be essentially this ‘poster idea of virtue’ is definitely only a personality that I did live out for most of my life in various ways, in various circles of people and I’m definitely ready to let go of those ideas that I created and so projected back at me as ‘who I am,’ and instead embrace myself, the expression that I see is most congruent with where I currently am in my life and being able to trust myself that whatever I decide to do, is my responsibility, I am aware of my capabilities, skills, my decisions, my weaknesses and strengths as I continue discovering more and more about myself, which is truly a fascinating process to me, even more so when I decide to make a significant change in my life that assists me in stepping out of old-age patterns, like the ones I’ve been describing in previous blogs about morality and this notion of ‘being an example for others’ in a form of personality or ego that became a limitation for me.

So, along with this maturity comes the ability to trust myself to express playfulness, to not let go of that expression that can be very childlike in me yet, this does not mean I cannot embrace this maturity at the same time, because I am the only one that has created such limitations of ‘what I can or should be’ and what I am apparently ‘not able to live yet.’

It’s really about deciding to live and embody words and some words like maturity to me are more of an outcome, a result, a consequence of various years now of self-work and giving me the right to recognize it as myself, the fruit of my work so to speak and stand as it without ego, without pretense or vainglory – but simply as the expression that I see is here as myself, yet I had in a way diminished or ‘covered it up’ to not fully embrace the responsibility that comes with it  – but! I’m definitely ready as I see the liberation and unleashing potential that comes with it.

To me this signifies my ability to choose letting go of ‘pettiness’ when it comes to these little ‘bothers’ that I’ve made a big deal in my life out of thinking that ‘I should still be ‘bothered’ by something’ or that ‘I cannot fully change something’, but, lol, who decides? I do! and I saw how these little ‘botherings’ are connected to personality suits to remain ‘limited’ and ‘diminished’ which makes no sense at all, because when stopping those I could see the mature, confident me that can still ‘roll eyes’ but do so in a playful manner and in awareness, as an expression, no more as an automated reaction based on an actual personality being triggered or accessed in a moment, and that’s what I want to be, someone that is ‘limitless’ in expression yet knowing every step of the way that ‘who I am’ in such expressions is truly me, in the moment – instead of acting out of mind-patterns and limitations, fears, judgments that I know I can let go of now, I just hadn’t made that full decision to do so yet, which is what I am actively working on currently.

All of this is also part of integrating that concept of ‘creative authority’ and what it means, which to me is like stepping into one’s optimum state and position in life where we can be the best for ourselves and so best for others as a by product of living ‘me’ to the fullest. And when I write this, memories of who I’ve been in the past come up whenever I denied taking that ‘leading role’ or whenever I feared being in the ‘center of the stage’ so to speak in taking a greater responsibility because of not wanting to fully assume my responsibility in it – and only now do I realize that that’s where real fulfillment exists in me, where I satisfy my capacity, where I ‘use’ what I am, the matter I am as life, to the best of my ability.

I also then assist myself in embracing this ‘result’ of self-work in my life, not in an egotistical manner seeking others’ praise and recognition –or as a form of superiority – but entirely accepting it, embracing it as who I am, as a result of something I’ve been putting effort and work on in my life, which makes absolute sense to get to a certain stage of ‘maturity’ in something, a phase of expertise, of gathering more confidence in being effective in something after putting the time and effort into it, instead of believing that I will always remain ‘flawed’ and ‘on the way’ and ‘in process’ of getting to a basic self-stability and fulfillment.

Now, this does not mean I am ‘done’ in any way with any self-creative process, not at all. I consider this that we call ‘the process’ is really a continual thing for the rest of our existence – not even limited to ‘this lifetime’ – so I am not speaking in those terms, but certainly acknowledging the phases that I can in self-honesty assess I’ve walked through, which then opens up the way for what’s next, which is an expansion, growth, more challenges and a ton more to discover, change, learn and fine tune about myself, while also acknowledging these ‘milestones’ in deciding, assessing and recognizing when we are ‘ripe’ within ourselves. Maybe I have been so for some time, but I had not dared to declare it, accept it or embrace it, so this is me placing this word in front of my eyes to embrace it and continue exploring the ways in which I can live it out as who I am and who I want to live and express as myself.

Here I share a supportive couple of audios from Eqafe.com that assisted me to realize this ‘authority’ that we essentially have to give to ourselves. I fully recommend them in order to decide to take that ‘next step’ in self-creation and self-change:

 

Thanks for reading.

 

IMG_6845

 

Join us in our process of Self-Expression as LIFE


573. What is Right? What is Wrong?

Or transforming morality into a practical assessment of what’s here for me to live, decide and act on as my creative authority

What does seeing through what is apparently ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ mean? How to step out of the morality construct that I’ve been limiting myself with? This all starts with the simplicity of judging certain things as right or good and some others as bad or wrong. Who decides what these are? I do. And I know, morality is such a big word and it has shaped a lot of who we are as human beings, partly because of religious constructs that were built to create fear, control and in a way yes, regulate some of the most harmful and abusive ways that we have as human beings. However, as much as it could have served a purpose throughout our past, we can definitely start evolving into a form of self-direction, self-authority, self-forgiveness and self-responsible change that doesn’t require an idea of heaven, a reward, a judgment, a punishment or fear to drive our change of actions other than doing it for ourselves, because ‘I matter’ because ‘we matter’ to each other and in what we create in our reality.

So, even if I could have said before ‘I am not a religious person’ ehm ehm, well, the moment that I am judging something as the ‘right thing to do’ or ‘good’ and ‘benevolent’ proves that I create a religion, a set of beliefs within me where I guide what I do based on an idea, a belief, a creed of sorts that I immediately come up with, without giving a second thought to consider practical reality. So morality comes in the same of that ‘immediate thought’ of ‘that’s wrong! That’s bad!’ or immediately jumping into defining something as ‘good’ or ‘benevolent’ and feel an upliftment about it based on an idea of what it represents in my head.

However, these are only ideas as judgments, they are all aspects or parts of myself that I’ve come to be so used to judge as ‘good’ or ‘bad’, constantly assessing and analyzing what I should or should not do within a value-system created through morality as ‘good’ or ‘bad.’

Ultimately morality is a construct of fear and control used throughout a phase or time in our lives as human beings where we didn’t develop ways to develop our responsibility as creators of reality, and so had to be ‘managed’ through fear, though ideas of burning hells and punishment – lol – just look at religion and realize the fear, the suffering, the punishment, the bliss, the heavenly pleasures embedded to ‘moral constructs’ of right and wrong, good and evil.

 

Well, I can definitely see how much I have limited myself within such mentality, which is linked to the whole construct I’ve been opening up recently of being ‘morally upright’ and ‘virtuous’ and ‘being an example’ and all of these words that I turned into another personality or ‘frame of mind’ through which I was at the same time judging, discriminating and eventually fearing doing, acting, thinking or considering certain things because of deeming them as ‘bad’ or ‘wrong’ or standing as the opposite of what I wanted to ‘show’ of myself or believe that I simply ‘should’ stick to the ‘good side’ of things. But, who defines what these limits are? I do and not in a very practical manner, but based on ideas, beliefs, fears, judgments, coming from social conventions, from religious dogmas, from fears.

But again, I am the only one in my head creating these limitations as ‘right or wrong,’ I am the only one doing this to me at a thought level where many times I’ve even refrained myself from ‘trying something out’ because of still seeing myself, my reality, my actions through these eyes of ‘what is right or wrong,’ and in a way ignoring or not seeing how that judgment of ‘that is wrong,’ or ‘I’m not going to do that because it’s not right’ is a limitation, mostly stemming from a social construct, a belief, an accepted limitation at a judgment level that I then turn into a real obstacle for me to not take the steps and ‘dare’ to do something or change something or test something out, step into the unknown which to me is a first step for actual change most of the times, if not all the time.  

This is where I want to look at what would be a practical way to, in every moment, stop referring to my old-age morality of ‘what is right and wrong’ and transgress my own limitations by doing a simple and ‘on the spot’ assessment of what is right for me in a moment, which is not about a belief or idea of it being’ right’ in fact, but more turning this into a looking, a seeing, an observing within a functional context, such as considering ‘what works for me in this moment? What is practical for me to do? What am I capable of doing or conducting in this moment? Am I willing and able to walk through this decision with its consequences, outflows and outcomes whichever way they might be?

Now here I am placing the responsibility entirely on myself, within a reality context that will have real consequences, real creations – rather than going into my mind and limiting myself based on an idea, belief or construct of ‘what is right or wrong to do’ in any given situation, which I consider is a functional foundation for self-creation, being ‘playful’ with creation and taking that necessary initial ‘leap’ that any form of change implies, while doing a quick assessment of what one can live with in terms of the effects, consequences and outcomes of such moment’s decision and actions.

Within this I realize how much I have limited myself in what I do based on this ‘idea’ of myself as a certain kind of person that ‘only talks about certain kind of topics,’ that is supposed to ‘always act/behave in a certain manner’ and all of these ideas of myself hide a wide array of constructs of why it is ‘right’ for me to do, say, act or belief certain things and why it would be ‘wrong’ for me to do something outside of what I believe I am only able or capable or ‘suitable’ to think, say and do.

Now, this isn’t about libertinage in the sense of giving a ‘free reign’ to ‘whatever I want to do’ in a rather foolish extremism of ‘there’s no more right and wrong therefore anything goes!’ where for example harm or abuse is conducted to myself or others – nope. Morality is definitely not the same as considering reality principles, such as ‘every action has a reaction or consequence’, considering doing onto others what I’d like others to do onto myself and others, to consider the responsibility of my actions and inactions, to live and give to others what I’d like others to consider giving to themselves and others as well as co-creators in this world… Now these are very ‘broad’ statements, but to me it speaks more about considering what I am willing to ‘live with’ in making decisions, in taking the steps to create something in my reality that I can now assess based on practical matters, considering the consequences, the practical outflows and potentials of what I can walk with, what I can learn from it, the purpose, the intent, the words I can live in deciding to do something – rather than only seeing it through a very limited – and usually instant – scope of ‘what’s right to do’ and what’s ‘wrong to do’ in my head, where no reality or practical considerations are taken into account.

I consider that it’s much more practical to make informed decisions, make a practical plan and see potential outcomes to then see what is the ‘right’ path or decision for me to take according to that context, that moment in time, my life, my experience, my moment – which cannot be defined by any ‘set in stone’ ideas of what is right or wrong – every decision, moment, path is unique in itself, according to each person, each context, in a moment of each one’s life and so what is ‘right’ for me to do is to consider what’s practical, what can work, what I am willing to walk through and live the results thereof, live with the consequences and at the same time, very important: be ok with making mistakes, not judging myself, but rather being able to trust my assessment in that one moment, being able to trust myself in being fully present in that moment of making such decision and ‘staying true to myself,’ whichever this ‘truth’ might be for me at the time/context and standing by my creative authority, taking the risks, taking the steps to do it and consider the responsibility it entails, which to me is part of an active process of change considering that we are mostly keeping ourselves in our seemingly ‘safe spots’ because of all the fears we got to actually take the steps into the unknown, which is usually what we have denied ourselves from doing because of deeming it as ‘not for us’ or ‘bad’ or ‘wrong’ or seeing ourselves as ‘unfit’ or ‘incapable’ for something…. But who defines that? Who decides that? We do, therefore we can turn the tables and take the steps to challenge our self-imposed limitations, within the realm of reality and consequences.

The practical process for me here is in the context of transcending and transforming this morality construct: whenever I see myself considering that I should ‘not’ do something because of referencing back to ideas, beliefs of perceptions of ‘who I am and should be’ at my eyes and the eyes of others, I have to stop myself and rather assess it in the form of ‘Am I willing to live with the outflow/consequence or result of taking this/that path or decision and live it in every step of the way?’ ‘Am I willing to walk this decision in this moment and take responsibility for the result as my creation?’

And this doesn’t even imply a ‘beginning or end’ or ‘sticking to something just because I decided to do so’ because who knows? Sometimes we will find right at the start or half-way through the process that what seemed ‘the right way’ when we made the decision ended up not being ‘the right way’ and so give ourselves again that creative authority to change our mind, to change our direction and find another path for us, decide on what’s the ‘right way’ to go in that moment which is more like saying ‘what can work better’ or what can function better now that I know that what seemed ‘right’ turned out to not be the way, turned to be the ‘wrong way’ for me in this moment – and again! Just for that moment, because: who knows? We might find it suitable in another time in our lives – instead of for example beating us down and bashing ourselves for ‘taking the wrong path’ or ‘making mistakes’ because that’s again morality construct speaking, not creative authority.

I’ve definitely lived for so long believing that I had to keep myself ‘on the right path’ all the time, which led me to then deliberately test going to the ‘opposite pole’ in an attempt to ‘transcend my limitations’ or ‘transcend morality’ but this is not about going to extremes, but about practical self-responsible assessment of what I’m willing to do and live with in every moment of my actions or inactions, and walk it through, keeping an awareness of what I’m doing, creating, and even if I ‘lose track of myself’ at times, be ok with it, knowing again that I got myself, my reference points as principles and going again at it, living.

This is where I disengage the ‘notion’ of living as ‘doing the right thing’ all the time, and instead learn to live life as the plethora of experiences that one walks through in it, without judgment, without fear. Sounds really nice and easy, but it actually entails to me in every moment that I see a limitation coming up in the form of right/wrong or fears and judgments, I have to stop myself and rather ask myself what am I willing to do, live with and walk with within this decision? Am I able to develop and learn and walk what it takes to do this? And then that becomes a more dynamic approach to life where I can let go of ‘what ifs’ and ‘fears’ that I have stifled myself with for so long.

Now again, it’s easily said, but the proof is in the pudding, so this is just the story board of the actions to take from now on in my life to see what works, what doesn’t work, testing things out, considering common sense, considering what’s best for all in practical terms of my reality, the impact of my creation, my words, my actions on myself and others – and that’s quite a physical process to take into consideration.

Ok, that’s it for now. Thanks for reading.

 

 

Join us in our process of Self-Expression as LIFE


572. Selfishness and Equilibrium in Self Creation

Or redefining selfishness

I am looking at this word with the purpose of practically using it as a way to integrate ‘me-time’ and self-consideration when it comes to day to day living activities where, as I’ve explained in the past, I’ve had a tendency to put-off everything that had to do with ‘me-time’ and self-enjoyment time and instead geared myself with the idea of ‘always having to be doing something I’d define as productive, of use to others, of benefit to others’ and in that, create certain satisfaction of yes ‘producing something’ that to my eyes and consideration is of ‘worth’ and ‘value’ based on the support It could directly provide to others, but in this, I was at the same time neglecting this me-time where I can in fact disconnect from everything/everyone and as this awesome recording Wanting to Get Away From it All – Quantum Systemization – Part 155 explains, have this time where one does something for oneself, for one’s enjoyment at least for an hour every day.

I’ve walked in a way quite a process with this, because I’ve made it a habit to go walking on almost a daily basis for almost a decade now and I’ve defined that as the ‘me time’ where I go out for more than an hour and get away from computer and my usual environment where I created that deliberately notion of ‘I have to be doing something’, which has been supportive over time and an enjoyable time.

However, there were other hobbies and things I previously enjoyed doing that I completely put off and stopped doing altogether, like arts – painting, drawing, photography – because of defining it as something ‘selfish to do’ because I deemed it as ‘not useful for anyone’ as in ‘benefitting them in their life and process’ which was the kind of logic that I’ve used for quite some time to constantly decide and assess what I ‘should be doing’ and in that, I definitely refrained myself many times from actually doing what I’ve naturally enjoyed doing for myself before, including reading, playing music which I have to be quite honest I haven’t done in a very long time.

To me this denial of doing that which I enjoyed became a definition of a ‘virtue’ as I explained in previous blogs, and in that believing that this was part of the process, to stop doing that which would give me some kind of enjoyment or personal satisfaction and only focus on that which ‘benefits everyone else’ in one way or another. However this is only at a mind level, because I definitely not only did that with my time in reality, I could have easily integrated this ‘me time’ or ‘selfish time’ while continuing doing what I was focusing on at the time in the past, but in my absolutism, extremism and ‘black or white’ mentality, I tended to completely ‘cut my arm off’ and believe that I just could not give me the time to do something that I judged in one way or another as ‘selfish to do.’

Now, where did notion of ‘having to deny to myself’ doing that which I would naturally enjoy doing and that I had judged as ‘unproductive, useless, good for no one’ led me? Well, it was leading me to a reality of not building anything for/as myself that I could genuinely call ‘me’ and ‘for myself’ entirely, in a way having this ‘selfish activity’ where I can not only enjoy myself but actually support me to transcend all of the judgments, denials, ideas, beliefs and even self-doubt and giving up experiences that I’ve imposed onto something as seemingly ‘simple’ as painting or doing any form of artwork.

So, it is so as the audio I mentioned above explains on how in only focusing on one’s work/responsibilities, on what we have to constantly be doing ‘for others,’ and not taking time for oneself,  one is actually missing out on oneself, not really getting in contact with who we are, what we want to do and in fact see what is it that I have left ‘behind’ in this notion that ‘I cannot be selfish with my time’ and have denied myself to do that I in fact enjoy and assists me the most in developing my creative potential as a person, learn more about myself and even assists me in expanding and growing, which I had completely forgotten about myself how dedicate and detailed I can be when doing something that I am enjoying to give shape to : )

Interestingly enough I had not entirely seen how my idea of giving up something ‘selfish’ was in fact also due to the various patterns that emerge within me when having a ‘blank slate’ and create something in the moment, which even as I write this there is this very slight movement that I feel on my forearms, almost like a physical remembrance of how I have to dare and make decisions to move, to do, to create something while facing the inner judge  where I would constantly say ‘no’ to what I defined as my ‘selfish desires’ and instead direct me to do something that I defined as more productive, of support for others, advancing work/responsibilities, etc.

So the consequences of not giving myself this ‘selfish time’ so to speak is, as I’ve been explaining before, that I did get to a point of feeling like there is something ‘missing’ in it all. One can be a very ‘responsible’ person for something set that we have to do on a daily basis, but one is not really developing, growing and expanding out of one’s comfort zone which becomes work, responsibilities, and the ‘daily tasks’ that are constant or ‘always the same,’ which leads to a dissatisfaction about one’s life with an experience of lostness of ‘where am I within this whole equation? Where am I going with my life? What is it that I am creating for me, for myself, that I enjoy and that is not related to constantly doing it ‘for money/ for others’? And that’s how I opened up the point of doing art again, because of the ‘conflictive’ relationship I had created towards it within myself based on this morality-eye of it being something ‘selfish’ for me to do, almost existing in a denial of enjoyment, of having this thing that I do for, as and by myself.

Another example is I thoroughly enjoy putting jigsaw puzzles together. In past years I’ve done quite a few, thousands of pieces etc. yet, I started judging it as ‘a waste of time,’ as something that is ‘insignificant to do’ or that doesn’t ‘benefit anyone else,’ and in that, have stopped making them, except for a time when I got sick some 4 years ago where I was ‘ordered by doctor’ to rest more, which was also the result of me taking a sudden leap of ‘taking responsibility’ for something in an attempt to ‘direct the ship’ in an unprecedented situation so to speak, which over time ‘led me’ but in fact ‘I led myself to’ have a form of burnout manifested in my physical body in quite an obvious manner. So that’s the time I last made a puzzle… so! should I wait to get sick again and be ‘ordered to take some rest’ to then ‘give me the permission’ to do something I enjoy/for fun? Hell no. It might not be ‘puzzles’ right now, but it sure can be something else that I enjoyed.

This also leads me to touch on the word ‘leisure’ as well because I’ve had a ‘no go’ relationship to this word where the notion of ‘taking time off’ or ‘vacation’ sounds good but it’s never a ‘full disconnect’ for me, and it hasn’t been that way for many, many years, probably 7 years where I had restrained access to internet in order to fully disconnect from everything. And, I discovered that’s where I then focused more on my relationships with people, on enjoying the moments with ‘doing nothing’ or watching others’ lives go by and what did I naturally geared myself to? Photography. Yet at the time, there was a constant nagging thought of ‘all the work/responsibilities I’m missing out on right now’ and ‘all that I will eventually have to catch up to’ which became a form of ‘anxiety,’ which is not cool at all. I mean, if it’s vacation, it should be full vacation, completely disconnecting, and I’ve sort of tested that recently though not fully to the point of not seeing my cellphone in one entire day. Not sure that will be possible either, or at least that’s what I think at the moment, yet even if it’s not a possibility for me to ‘fully disconnect’ for some time, it can be done for a couple of hours a day and stop having this ‘work, work, work’ mentality as well, which is in a way out of a judgment and fear of ‘not being productive,’ of not doing ‘something supportive for others’ or fearing ‘being irresponsible’ in the day and in that of course implying that I’ve valued what I do and am based on how it ‘relates to others,’ instead of entirely doing it for me, as myself, my decision, my responsibility and point of accountability, which is quite different than placing ‘others’ as ‘my reason for being/doing/living.’

What I just explained is the ‘selflessness’ that I have to turn into a form of practical and moderate selfishness of course – not going into the extreme – where the principle as Bernard Poolman once shared – paraphrasing – “if you are best for you, then you are best for all” which I ‘thought’ I was doing and living already, but it takes one good look at oneself to see how much I was denying, refraining or judging myself for doing it based on seeing it through the eyes of ‘selfishness’ while at the same time covering up the actual ‘uncharted territory’ that having this me-time in fact implies as an opportunity for self-creation in whichever way I decide it to be.

What does living a practical and considerate form of selfishness as ‘me time’ or ‘living for and as myself’ mean? Two things for me:  I have to be the starting point and origin of everything I do, to stop doing things based on morality of what’s ‘good for others’ and what’s ‘useless for others’ and secondly, make a self-honest decision about how I decide to spend my time, to distribute my responsibilities throughout the day in a way where I can also ensure I give me some ‘me time’ to do what is now a form of hobby yet also ‘work’ at the same time, and stop having what I believe are ‘others eyes’ on top of that, because it’s really only been myself and my own judgments towards doing something ‘for me’ that have limited my ability to actually do it, and nope this is not a self-victimization point because I am fully aware how I did this entirely for myself, ever since I was a little girl, having this ‘duty’ mindset as my own policeman in the head, lol which proves how I had to make of ‘school work’ also art work in order to feel responsible AND creative at the same time! LOL! That’s why I didn’t have an issue with ‘how I would spend my time’ back then because I linked both ‘responsibility’ and ‘hobby’ in one, which matched my workaholic personality,  yet I don’t need to place myself ‘in school’ to do the same and I’ve been implementing this for the past weeks with cool results in my scheduling.

This is another way of looking at living creative authority, where I decide to make changes in how I approach my life, my time, my responsibilities, my ‘me time’ and see how I do/how it goes as I implement and live these changes on a daily basis.

Sure, there are some changes on how I approach things thus far, a bit less with a rush of having to be ‘on top of all things’ and whenever I get to still do that, I am learning to check with myself to see if I am pressuring myself, to the point of ‘sacrificing’ something that I ‘really wanted to do for myself’ for the sake of ‘fulfilling’ certain ideas of myself through stuff/things that I would usually do, which I also know as a somewhat former ‘workaholic’ it becomes a very ‘justifiable’ comfort zone to not be with ourselves, learn to enjoy ourselves, discover who we are when having this ‘free time’ and our creative abilities in whichever way they exist in each one of us, because that’s what has been challenging to me, and to stop the ‘dutiful’ mindset in the midst of it all, therefore that’s a current walking process for me.

What have I found in this relative ‘short’ time of giving myself more time ‘for me’ is that there is a lively spark emerging in me, based on having a reconciliation with doing arts and creating a project for it in the long run, which is certainly something that I vaguely had ‘in mind’ since the beginning of the year, but now it’s definitely a more settled and ongoing path which required me to get things going in all practical ways, from making the space to do art and then actually taking the time of the day for it, which is great so far. Now! The point is to diversify it because, as I explained, I can become artsy workaholic LOL so, I’ll look at integrating other different things to do for myself, which is a walking process as I speak. 

Now what does that mean if I become best for me as a fulfilled individual that is not only taking responsibility for things, tasks, commitments ‘as usual’ but also takes the time for personal recreation and leisure and self-enjoyment? Well that’s definitely the kind of life that I consider we should all have where there’s an equilibrium in doing what we ‘have to do’ based on yes living in a survival system, requiring money and the rest of it – and also giving oneself this me-time which definitely assists in placing our lives/our ways/our paths into perspective and leaves space for creation, self-creation, creativity, recreation – whichever way it can be placed – which is a regenerative process as I see it, very necessary to be in fact self-satisfied, which will prevent me from getting to a point in life where I’m bitter, dissatisfied and believing I’ve done ‘so much for others’ but not really living my life for and as myself.

So! I prevent myself from doing that from here on and create an equilibrium in my day to day living, which means I become a ‘healthy’ person that is living in a world of yes responsibilities, tasks, commitments and ‘selfish time’ or ‘me time’, where I am a part of the whole that lives according to what I consider is suitable, healthy, balanced and enjoyable for/as life itself in this reality.  

Thanks for reading.

 Artwork002 color

                                                         

Join us in our process of Self-Expression as LIFE


571. Reinventing Myself

Or how to live the words creative authority to change that which no longer suits the person I want to be and express

I find it very interesting to see the kind of contradictions that I’ve been ‘subtly’ living in when considering that in principle “I stand for what’s best for all life, the real expression of life in everything we are and do” – however I found myself at the same time making of these statements a sort of rigid imposition upon myself in my own life, which at the same time ends up being a form of projection through which I would go judging the rest of the world as people’s lives and decisions that I would become aware of.

What does that mean? I turned these principles into a dogma for myself in my own life, where a dose of self-limitation and ‘self-denial’ ensued, where I just could not fathom myself being capable of ‘enjoying’ life and actually having a ‘good life’ where I can express and be ‘happy’ because of the belief that I somehow had to endure a ‘tough time,’ or ‘have it difficult’ in life, a form of self-imposed necessary suffering at the same rate that ‘most of the people in the world are experiencing’ in my perception, which I’ve explained in the previous blogs.

Though here I’m diving into this notion of authority and righteousness as ‘energized words’ lived through the idea of myself as a ‘virtuous person’ that lives in ‘self-denial’ and ‘self-limitation’ and perceiving that to be an ‘honorable’ example… now that’s the actual contradiction that I had been living in – still am to a certain extent – and that I have yet to completely breakthrough from as well.

For example, yesterday I was talking to myself  – yes I tend to do that when I want to clarify something that is slightly ‘bothering me’ or that triggers an underlying discomfort in me – and this emerged upon seeing that in reality when being with myself and others, I am quite an expressive person, I have no qualms in my personal interactions with others – yet, when it comes to looking at the ‘persona’ I’ve created of myself in social media for example, I definitely have limited my ability to express myself in sharing more of myself, my expression, my enjoyment, because of judging them as ‘vain’/vanity, not ‘important’ for the world, not ‘relevant’ or ‘selfish’ in some way, yet it is what I would actually like to start doing because that’s where I see the ‘spark of life’ in myself existing for the most part and that I’ve refrained myself from openly sharing about it because of seeing it as futile, no point in it, ‘too superficial’, and the list of judgments goes on… so what am I actually judging here? My own real and genuine expression at ‘others’ eyes’ in an environment such as ‘social media’.

I was reflecting as well on the role I created for myself  in my mind in the past years, creating or making of myself a personality that stands as a form of ‘authority’, that is very serious,  that does not ‘fool around’ with what I would judge as ‘menial stuff’, which is how I would judge others sharing more about their immediacy, their day to day living, being more vulnerable about it all – whereas I took myself almost as a ‘political figure’ that could not ‘reduce’ myself to that kind of sharing, which I am in realizing would in fact represent the vivid, tangible and more realistic form of change that can exist at this stage in our lives: in our day to day living, in the ‘small moments’ and the ‘details’ of our life experience that I have many times intended to share unconditionally – but! Myself as the ‘authoritarian persona’ that I’ve become would always reply back with words like ‘nah, that’s not relevant, that would be too vain, who cares? What’s the point of sharing something like that? It’s not going to change the world!’ And in that becoming my own limitation to sharing the kind of more spontaneous and uninhibited expressions which to me was a ‘no go’ because of fear of losing a certain idea of myself as this super-serious individual that is all about ‘politics’ and ‘world system change’ and forming a certain aura of ‘rigidity’ around me that I am frankly not able to relate to nowadays, because I have been significantly changing my perspective about life, myself, what I want to be, do and express and what I had ‘been all about’ before.

So! The word that came up yesterday for me was Reinventing myself, which is something that I’ve been doing while painting and seeing how can I start breaking through the ‘usual’ ways and stuff I painted before and not be afraid to entirely paint over something and start from scratch or ‘reinvent’ something that I had done before within a new ‘air’ or expression that I would have not defined as ‘myself’ or ‘my own’ or whatever else I would limit/define ‘me’ to be.

I’ve also seen how I was trapped by my own authoritarianism as a form of belief and rigidity as a ‘role’ of myself I have kept in my own mind. Of course it wasn’t anyone else but myself that did this to me, my own ideas, beliefs and perceptions of ‘who I had to be at the eyes of others’ and what my apparent ‘role’ in it all was… but who placed such tags/labels onto myself? I did! And so I realized how this ability to reinvent myself was also greatly inspired in the past two days by the interview How to Stop Overcomplicating Redefining & Living Words – The Crucifixion of Jesus – Part 106 wherein I got to for the first time hear the term ‘creative authority’ which means realizing that whatever I decide to live as change, I am responsible for it, for the outflows of my creation and embrace such change as entirely my own, my decision, my direction, entirely responsible for it – which is actually quite empowering and damn liberating. 

This enabled me to see that I was and had been the only one placing myself in a certain ‘rigid’ position within an ‘idea’ that I wanted to project to others about ‘who I am,’ which might have been relevant in the past years, but not any longer and I am frankly quite happy to be going back to my ‘roots’ which actually have to do a lot more with expression in itself and being my own ‘creative authority’ in it, to not limit myself into a particular ‘label’ or ‘type of person’ I believed myself to ‘have to be’ or ‘take on’ as a position, and instead let loose, let go of the ‘what will other people say if I am not appearing the same way I was portraying myself to be?’

It’s very interesting because before I would say ‘Nah, I don’t’ really care about what others say or think about me,’ but this point really opened up for myself to see how I was in fact still giving too much attention to ‘how others see me’ within the realm of the internet, social media, the ‘persona’ I became that I certainly was existing as in the past, but change is here and I cannot relate to ‘that me’ any longer. I can only take ‘what’s best’ from that persona I became and direct myself to reinvent me and defining what that practically means, what kind of expressions are integrated within me that I can realistically look at?

As I write this, man! There’s an actual like stiffness in my stomach area, very subtle, but there, like an experience of nooooo! Don’t do it! As if I was going to actually ‘lose’ something of myself, but I can only fear losing that which wasn’t ‘real’ in the first place, that which stands as a point of self-definition and so limitation in my own mind. Therefore it’s time for me to expand, to change, to diversify, to test uncharted grounds, to do what I had resisted doing without fearing ‘losing my ground’ or ‘appearing vain’ or whatever else I had judged myself to be if and when sharing something I defined as ‘non important’ within the context of ‘world change’ type of thing. So here redefining what I define as me walking my process of change and entirely taking it back to self, to consider me, my expression, the detail and subtle changes that I want to share about instead of believing I have to only focus on sharing particular kinds of information or ‘stuff’ that suits this idea of me within a particular idea/belief of myself as a form of ‘authority’ of sorts ‘towards others,’ instead of first standing fully as my own authority, creative authority.

I got to also talk to myself about the following realization: changing the world will not only come from politics or world-system change, real change will come from people like me that decide to get real about who we are, our expression, that decide to be vulnerable, to actually dare to express and live life in the way that we’d like many more to live it, to break-free from our self-imposed limitations as well and live fear-free, because that’s then what I genuinely would like to see existing in this world and that’s where I am aware I can contribute to in fact be an example – as a part of the whole – that can implement that in my life, with what I am, what I have, in my environment and let go of our own ‘limiting personalities’ for once and for all.

So what words do I see included in the term ‘reinventing myself’ at the moment? Spontaneity, freedom, daring to start over, ‘painting over’, taking risks, taking the unknown paths, comfort in exposing/sharing my expression, simplicity, being vulnerable, innocence, enjoyment in expression… and many more to come 🙂

I recommend checking out more about this ‘feel’ of words that we may be lacking when it comes to looking at ‘redefining’ words as explained in this awesome audio: The Consciousness of the Orange Clownfish

 

Thanks for reading

 

Reinventing Myself

 

Join us in our process of Self-Expression as LIFE


570. I Matter and Selflessness

Or debunking the notion that ‘I had to suffer’ in order to create a change in the world

selfless

n   adjective concerned more with the needs and wishes of others than with one’s own.

 

‘I Matter’ came at a timely moment where I had been in a way ‘breaking through’ this very ingrained pattern of ‘being there more for others than myself’ at least in my mind and in my approach to every single moment of my day where, the moment that I stepped out of my usual routine, I got to experience this idea of me possibly doing something ‘wrong’ or ‘bad’ because of not doing some usual things that are mostly destined – in my mind and how I would approach it – ‘to and for others’. Now, it wasn’t like I was going to stop doing them altogether, but simply taking some time ‘off’ enabled me to see what kind of fears and judgments emerged in relation to ‘my role towards others’ and seeing that idea of myself as this ‘example for others’ threatened by me not being consistent with something as simple as posting a blog and of course within this context of ‘walking process’ which then makes it more of a mandatory activity or ‘religious habit’ than an actual self-support point, which I definitely challenged throughout that time to see what ‘remains’ of me if I don’t do what I would set myself to do on a daily basis, which I had defined more as ‘doing it for others’ than ‘doing it for myself,’ which is what I am working on redefining and aligning within me.

So, what this enabled me to see is that there is/was a dimension of motivation through this ‘role’ that I took on within myself where I had to be consistent ‘at the eyes of others’ or ‘for others’ or ‘to be an example for others’ and through that, continuing validating myself, continuing to exist in ‘my place in the world’ so to speak defined by what I believe is relevant of my doings ‘towards others/ for others’ only, and that’s what I had to open up in relation to this word ‘selfless’ and how I had lived that word throughout my life.

How I noticed this pattern is also when being in the context of ‘taking some time off’ and at times not being able to fully ‘let go’ of myself and stopping judging the world as ‘unjust or unfair,’ being more concerned with the lack and suffering of others I’d see around me – or what I believe is their suffering – which invariably would affect me at some level as well, and in that going into a slight ‘sinking’ experience of me not doing anything about it which translates into a form of ‘guilt’ and at times ‘shame’ for having the opportunity to take some time off, enjoy myself and let go of my day to day routine for some time which surely enough, not everyone in this world has a luxury to have, however if I continue comparing what I have and what others don’t have every single moment of my day, I’ll only continue torturing myself to death and at the same time this comparison doesn’t sort out a thing in relation to other’s livelihood and reality.

I also got to understand that when I get to have such opportunity to ‘take some time off’ existing in guilt, embarrassment, shame, remorse or any other form of judgment is not going to change other people’s reality and context and instead, I end up affecting myself with constantly seeing ‘everything that’s wrong’ in the world which leads me nowhere in that moment, because I cannot practically ‘change’ people’s livelihood situation such as poverty, misery or suffering by me feeling ‘compassion’ towards them in a form of suffering, guilt or shame. And that’s more or less what had been a constant in my life up to this point, where I believed that I had to be selfless, to fully and totally focus on others and seeing this as a virtue – but is it really?

It is ok to consider others sure and not live only in a ‘me, me, me’ bubble all the time, but not to the extreme of allowing myself to be emotionally affected by others’ lives/experiences and having a twisted belief that ‘I should suffer’ in some way to create a form of again twisted ‘solidarity’ towards them. This practically meant in my mind and life having to avoid self-enjoyment, not giving myself ‘time off’ from my day to day routine, choosing to live at times in quite uncomfortable situations and environments within the belief that ‘If others can live like this, then I should as well’ and believing that through doing this I was being ‘more equal to’ the majority of the world, the ‘reality’ of this world – no different to people that decide to recluse themselves in a monastery and go at times without eating or enduring physical pains in order to reach some kind of ‘holiness.’

All of this is part of the same design and construct of being ‘morally upright’ and believing that I could lead a life to ‘teach others’ how to ‘consider others’ and in that, live an austere life because apparently that would make me ‘holier than thou’ lol – or in my particular construct ‘more equal to others,’ at times renouncing to points of luxury because of perceiving that I’d do more harm than good with them. Anyways, the examples could go on and on within this particular construct and no, it’s not about me going to the opposite extreme now, but surely it is about stopping my own constant judgment and comparison of everything that relates to, in essence, money and the comforts or disadvantages that lacking money brings in a person’s life or my own.

Therefore, I realized how through constantly focusing on others’ needs and constantly seeking out to find the ‘suffering’ in others, the ‘lack’, seeing only ‘the problems,’ I became the problem myself to a certain extent, seeing no way out in this world, seeing only problems, becoming emotionally affected by it and all, without seeing how this is in fact self-interest, because I cannot practically change anyone’s life by suffering ‘with them,’ or by ‘feeling sorry for them’ or commiserating with them, I only keep becoming ‘the problem’ myself by only feeling ‘bad’ about it all but doing nothing for myself, for my own life and through that to that of others in a practical manner.

What does this practically imply? I have to stop recreating and existing in any form of guilt within seeing the systemic problems we have created in this world. Stop existing in a form of ‘depression’, ‘sadness’, ‘shame’ or even ‘anger’ upon witnessing the reality of those that don’t have a comfortable economic position in this world, because my emotions won’t ever sort out their position, their situation, ever. And this then at the same time means that I have to embrace what I have, what I can live, do, express, expand on for and as myself. To no longer believe that I had to ‘diminish’ myself because ‘oh others are suffering in this world’ which as ludicrous as it may sound, I was in fact functioning within such mentality, which dare I say becomes also a comfortable excuse to appear to be ‘selfless’ and ‘benevolent’ at the eyes of others or doing ‘supportive stuff’ for others, but not really doing something substantial for ourselves, our lives, our experience, our actual living potential as ‘I Matter.’

What can I instead do? Is realizing first and foremost that ‘I Matter’ and that I have to stop focusing so much on ‘the world’ and ‘others’ needs’ and trying to be Mother Theresa in whichever way I was attempting to be ‘for others’ and become a bit more selfish in a supportive manner, focusing on what I can in fact do, develop and be for and by myself, which interestingly enough I had judged to do for such a long time because ‘it doesn’t benefit others directly!’ apparently, but! I had not considered that dimension of understanding ‘I Matter’ and what this in fact means in our relationship to who we are, what we are, what we can be and become and create in our lives and world, how it is in the very relationships that we create, on our day to day actions or inactions that we in fact can create an impact in this world! Not through me believing I am ‘caring for others’ by only worrying about them and denying my own self enjoyment and self-expression through a form of guilt or shame disguised as vows of ‘austerity’ and ‘compassion’ – that’s never going to lead me anywhere but to a suppressed self-expression disguised as selflessness, benevolence, a form of ‘sainthood’ that in the long run, would have turned me into a very bitter, frustrated, envious, regretful individual that would place ‘What I’ve done for others’ as a form of spite against the world.

I’ve definitely known people like that and it is very hard to deal with them, because the whole point of ‘doing things for others’ becomes an apparent ‘benevolent excuse’ to be spiteful, to be jealous, to judge others, to compare what ‘one has done’ with what ‘others had done or haven’t done’ because it apparently creates a right to place oneself on a pedestal of ‘being good to others’ or ‘helping so many people in the world’ while actually – maybe and possibly – denying one’s own development of support, care, growth, expansion and expression within one’s own life.

So, I am at the same time grateful of having interacted with people that have such design and seeing firsthand how that ends up manifesting with decades of existing in such ‘sainthood’ or ‘selfless’ pattern at a later stage in their lives, so that I can see them as an example of what I have to change right now in my life, in my approach towards me and others, what it means to live the words ‘I Matter’ for me, as me, in what I do, what I create, who I am in supporting others’ and within that, letting go of creating a front of ‘serving others’ only as a primary definition of who I am, because as much as it might seem a ‘benevolent’ thing or beneficial for others, within this construct and not balancing it out with ‘I matter’ as self-care, self support, self recognition, self worth, doing it for me, it can become a time-bomb to create a life of dissatisfaction where one could eventually get to see that ‘all I’ve done has always been ‘for others’ and I forgot about myself in that’ which I consider would be something I’d end up regretting at the end of my life.

Therefore to me it’s time to focus on me, to learn to live the words ‘I Matter’ first and foremost, to let go of my subtle guilt trips or perceived ‘duties’ in relation to others and rather stand ‘alone’ in the sense of stopping having ‘others eyes on me’ in my mind, stand as who I am for and as myself and not within ‘who I am to others,’ which is the definition I have to now give back to myself entirely through self support, self worth, self dedication, self appreciation, living authority and leadership for and as myself – and walk the actuality of it in my day to day, to see how it works out. Who knows, maybe it is not ‘the right way,’ maybe it leads me to a ‘wrong path’ but that’s what I’ll find out for myself. So far it’s been quite liberating to see this construct within me and redefine the approach to my life, therefore I don’t claim to have any answers or ‘right paths,’ this is just what I’ll be living and testing out for myself and sharing it as part of walking this process of self-support and living words and placing the focus of purpose and what matters within my own life, within myself, as myself.

I’ll continue expanding on redefining some of the words that I’ve used to live through this construct of ‘moral uprightness’ or ‘sainthood’ or ‘serving others’ or ‘benevolence’ or whichever other name it can have, which I now see has been there for as long as I can remember in my life and for once and for all debunk the notion or idea of people with this construct as ‘good people’ or ‘exemplar’ because if we forget about ourselves in the equation, we are in fact doing a disservice to our own lives and becoming a charitable person, a ‘selfless person’ that is neglecting one’s own wellbeing, which is the same as dishonoring the matter, the life that we are in fact as ourselves.

So, time to get ‘back to self’ for me.

Thanks for reading.

 

 

 

Join us in our process of Self-Expression as LIFE


569. On Sacrifice and Virtuousness

Or understanding the ‘Morally Upright’ construct I’ve been living as in relation to living a process of self-change

Continuing with this underlying ‘imprint’ within my personal process of self-change and the relationship to the words ‘being an example’ that can be read in my previous blog, I’ve seen lately the kind of words embodied within this idea of ‘being an example for others’ coming with a dose of morally upright stance. What does that mean? That part of what was motivating me to do things is to ‘demonstrate to others how things are done’ and in a way taking the high horse of experiencing it as a form of ‘noble path’ that separates me from the rest, that I am someone that is virtuous, commendable, proper, giving myself a ‘greater worth’ in separation of others, being dignified, dutiful… and some other words may emerge as I go opening this up, which don’t mean that the words in themselves are the problem, but how I have imprinted them all within this construct of ‘morally upright’ which will then require me to redefine those words to live them without the ‘experience’ of them separating me from the rest.

Here the relationship to being an authority to myself extended to becoming an ‘idea of authority towards others’ where leadership or being a ‘leading example’ is tainted with a righteousness, a stubbornness at times and an idea of virtue upon myself that is very similar to what some ‘religious authorities’ would impose onto themselves, separating themselves ‘from the rest’, being ‘more worthy of god’ etc. lol yet! At the same time claiming sainthood in wanting to help or save others, appearing as selfless and modest.

Now, this is a very subtle yet existent aspect of how I have been living thus far my relationship to this process of self-change, where there is – or was – an experience defining me in relation to ‘what I do’ as being virtuous, doing ‘the right thing’ in a moral stance that invariably came with an air of superiority, of ‘lifting myself above others’ in a very subtle way within myself and this invariably becomes part of the ‘process character’ where one believes oneself to be ‘better than others’ because of walking this process of self-change, which is nothing else but another personality as an ego that leads us back to being in our minds and recreating separation through the inferiority/superiority construct.

My experience of this wasn’t ‘visible’ to others for the most part – or so I think! – but I’ve been in it/as it all the way and it’s a very sneaky one because one becomes the ‘benevolent character’ that seeks an egotistical pride or honor through becoming ‘something more’ than others through doing what is believed to be ‘the right thing,’ the ‘good deeds,’ ‘being there for others’ all the time – and within this falling within a morality construct where it can appear that I am focusing on all the ‘good stuff,’ the ‘supportive stuff,’ but! The problem is that this benevolent construct of ‘goodness’ cannot exist without the opposite or its polarity, which translated in my case to existing in a constant judgment – and denial – of everything that is just not going along the lines of what I see is ‘the right thing to be/do/thing,’ the ‘truth,’ or ‘what is best for all’ and so forth, which invariably leads one to become this morality driven personality that claims doing what is most beneficial, what is most supportive – and may in fact get to ‘do it’ – but, in my secret mind what is fueled is a constant judgment to everything and everyone else that stands as the opposite of all of these words I described above, all that is ‘corrupted’ at the eyes of what I see as my principles and ways of living, all that is ‘impure’ so to speak such as lacking virtues, honor, respect, lack of principles, lack of awareness and in essence kind of placing myself in a very subtle experience of me vs. ‘the mortals’ that aren’t aware of themselves, that are still ‘weak in character’ type of thing, while covering that up with a façade of nobility, kindness and benevolence.

This is a very deceitful aspect to debunk because it is easy to say ‘well, you’re doing what’s beneficial, what’s right, what’s of beneficence to others, what’s wrong with that?’ or getting ‘compliments’ like ‘More people should be like you!’ type of thing which I’ve actually heard over the years in my case,  and again the problem is not about all of those deeds/actions and decisions to support oneself or others, but about how these decisions, actions and at times ‘self-sacrifice’ to ‘be there for others’ unconditionally fed this particular construct of the ‘morally upright’ character, where in my own mind I’d then compare, judge and go into denial of my own personal experiences and personal desires/needs/wants because of judging them all as too shallow, too ‘mundane,’ or lacking any genuine ‘impact for the rest of the world.’

This led me to constantly having ‘others eyes’ upon me in my mind where I placed myself with the ‘duty’ of ‘being an example to others’ of what ‘sacrificing yourself for the greater good means,’ and in doing so, I was in fact on my way to live a life of limitation and fears, which is ‘nobly’ said to be “of sacrifice and selflessness”, of “giving myself to others, “of “serving a greater cause/ a greater good” while actually neglecting myself in the form of denying to myself the possibility to genuinely enjoy myself, actually get to do what I’ve been denying to myself to do because of judging it as a ‘too shallow to dedicate myself to it, because it doesn’t benefit others directly’ or rather it doesn’t fit this ‘benevolent sainthood’ construct I’ve been living as – and within that, limiting my possibilities of being in a position where I could actually be of most benefit to myself and eventually others in doing so.

The bottom line is that what I just explained as this personality construct of sacrifice and virtuousness in a form of religious experience is really not at all the way to understand walking this process of self-change and I am entirely sure this is not the point of the Desteni Process at all to make ourselves into egotistical morally upright individuals that separate ourselves from all the ‘mundane filth’ lol and place ourselves in these pedestals of virtue and piousness. Not at all!

It’s quite interesting how I had become that in a very ingrained manner, not even questioning it at all if it wasn’t because of getting direct feedback on this through another’s eyes – of which I am quite grateful for because I tend to lack this kind of feedback – and this proves again that we cannot do this process ‘alone,’ but require to be in check with others that are also walking their process and can give us an ‘outsider’s view’ upon something that we’ve become so much to our eyes, that has become the very mindset through which we function on a daily basis that it takes some external point of view to see this with clarity, and in my case this also was shared from someone that had a similar design to my own so, that was a direct feedback of someone that has walked this point as well, which is what makes the Desteni community so awesome and supportive in walking this process as well.

I am also aware that the emphasis within this process is placed on ‘doing what’s best for all’ and how this can be twisted into only focusing ‘on others’ out there and forgetting about oneself in people’s minds like my own, where we tend to remove ourselves from the equation. So a simple reminder is to understand it as ‘being the best for oneself and so best for all’ as a result of that, so that ‘I matter’ is included in this starting point of everything we do, are, change and decide to implement in our lives within this context of self-change to benefit ourselves and in doing so, stand as our matter, as life to the potential that we see is possible and that we can practically live and develop in our lives, self change! In short.

I’ll keep sharing more on how this ‘denial’ of my own aspirations and desires within a stance of ‘selflessness’ led me to create comparison and jealousy towards others that I viewed as being ‘too selfish’ in their lives, enjoying themselves ‘too much’ while I was in the mindfuck and belief that ‘we should all suffer at the same pace of the rest of the world’ – or the majority of the world – and so, living in denial of me possibly being able to actually create the life that I want, that I see is benefic, supportive and enjoyable for myself because of considering that I had to live almost like a monk if possible, ‘detached from earthly pleasures’ lol!

And I do see that I turned this process of self-change into this ‘moral standard’ within myself rather than an actual practical consideration of myself, my life, my location, my skills, my context, my abilities, the person I am and want to in fact be and express and take it from there – instead of turning it into a moral semi-religious sainthood that would have led me to frustration, jealousy, bitterness, dissatisfaction and eventually becoming a fascist in my life towards myself and others, which is something that ‘resonates’ a lot with me in that personality context. An example is whenever I see military people like sergeants in movies, I can totally relate to them and almost see those characters as ‘kindred spirits’ lol! Where this notion of ‘the noble path’ makes one honorable, respectable and virtuous, better than others, superior, powerful, all of it lived as a character within a fake authority of fear that we sure have to change and step out of in our own minds and in the systems within this world in order to actually live equality in all aspects within ourselves, starting with ‘who we are in our minds’ and within me, this translates in ensuring that I don’t recreate this mindfuck of the ‘virtuousness’ and ‘morally upright’ experience in relation to walking this process of self-change.

Thanks for reading.

 

 

 

Join us in our process of Self-Expression as LIFE


568. Sacrificial Sainthood

Or how the idea of ‘being an example to or others’  in my head became another personality to debunk

In my case and relationship to living purpose, I noticed that I had defined me doing this process of self change also to ‘be an example for others’ and in that, more veering towards the noble, pious and honorable idea of ‘being an example’ of what it means to live in certain principles in this life and ‘show that to others’.

 But! I realize how there was a weight placed on the ‘to others/for others’ rather than understanding the simplicity of what ‘being an example’ means, which in my current redefined relationship is not to see it as a standard of superiority, a ‘quality standard’ or being qualified with notions like being ‘more noble’ or ‘better’ or showing others ‘how it’s done’ from a superior starting point, but instead actually using ‘the matter’ that I am as a human with a physical body, a mind, a capacity to make decisions, create, grow, expand within challenging my own limitations, my own ideas and beliefs which include the whole point of ‘creating an impact ON OTHERS’ and so focusing too much on ‘others’ and in a way, relegating myself to a second plane which might have been ‘subtly’ there, but it does create and sustains a persona/personality around ‘being an example’ and making that ‘my living purpose’ where it becomes about showing, demonstrating, teaching others something instead of first living it for and as myself, entirely and unconditionally.

See, what I found I tend to miss is that in being the best for myself, as myself, for myself = one invariably then becomes an example – but here I had to redefine my relationship with the word ‘example’ because within me it was plagued with notions of my past experience as an ‘exemplar student’ and how I was placed on a form of ‘pedestal’ at the eyes of my peers as in being used to show others ‘how things should be done,’ and I’ve lived that pattern ever since – in varying degrees, a lot less pronounced in the past years – but I realized it was still there when I started uncovering more about certain patterns that I’ll continue to share in relation to ‘others’ and how ingrained this point of ‘serving others’ and ‘being for others’ or at times ‘sacrificing’ myself ‘for others’ has existed in my life, taking almost a religious tonality to it, which I’ve been definitely challenging and debunking this past month, allowing myself to slowly but surely disentangle myself from these covert or more ‘ingrained’ aspects in how I’ve been approaching certain aspects in me ‘by default’ which at the same time build personalities in me that have become so much ‘myself’ that I actually required a second pair of eyes looking into my life to assist me in seeing this, which is quite cool as well.

Now this doesn’t mean ‘what I do’ changes, but the starting point does. And that’s what becomes a fine line in everything that we do, are, become and invest ourselves on, being best for ourselves first and foremost which may be understood as a point of selfishness if you will, which I had quite a ‘reaction’ to doing at first, until I realized it was a matter of seeing how I had lived my relationship to words like selfishness, serving, ‘being an example for others’ and others that I’ll be opening up as I go with particular positive and negative charges to them.

I am aware that many more specially in this context of walking a process of self change might have a similar ‘design’ to the one that I have/had/am walking through which is where one kind of forgets about oneself and completely and solely focuses on ‘others’ and ‘serving others,’ at times even if that means compromising oneself in one way or another or simply forgetting to first do things for, by and as myself – and sometimes even going into guilt if one ‘dares’ to do things that are solely for oneself (!). So I found today’s interview released at Eqafe.com spot on describing this pattern and personality, along with a beautiful explanation on ‘finding one’s inner spark’ so altogether very recommendable:  Work, Work, Work (Rediscovering Your Spark in Life) – Quantum Systemization – Part 156

I find then that the whole point of ‘I matter’ has assisted me a lot to confirm what I had been pondering about for some weeks and it’s funny that this word ‘matters’ was popping in my head but I could not see anything further other than what I explained in my previous blog in relation to what matters, what is important, but never linked it to ‘I matter’ which is a necessary ‘click’ that I required to see that yes, I had in a way placed more importance on ‘everything else out there’ rather than focusing first of all and primarily on myself, because how can I in fact be a supportive example if I am missing ‘myself’ in the equation? If I turn this whole process into a semi-religious sacrifice where I believe I cannot enjoy myself and life unless everyone in the world gets to be in a good living position, how would I end up ‘living’ my life?

Well, I would be setting myself to live in an emotional state of misery and that’s definitely not what’s best for me, nor for anyone else if there’s an actual ability and possibility to be ‘the best’ that we can be for ourselves – and so invariably to others as well. I am aware this might sound a bit extreme but this kind of associations did exist within me up to fairly recently, very subtle but still there and it’s a point of morality as well about wanting to be a ‘good person’ that is ‘compassionate’ and ‘caring to others’ as a form of benevolent persona which I am aware now became a limitation to focus on things that I had then judged as not important, menial, shallow, not ‘supportive for the world’ and so, I was exiting in denial of doing things that I know I genuinely enjoy, which I came to at times be in conflict with because of seeing it as ‘menial’ – like doing what I actually trained myself to do, which is arts. Now I’m deciding to fully take that on again as a career path, which I am quite happy about but even this ability to write ‘I am happy about it’ to me has been a process, I initially almost had a ‘hard time’ embracing this decision and life statement yep! That’s how deep this ‘sacrificial sainthood’ pattern goes, yep almost like a nun really that ‘renounces to earthly pleasures’ and what I genuinely like doing for the sake of ‘doing everything for everyone else’ which is not the point at all.

And yes as I write that, man, a part of me wants to pop out and say ‘but no, you can’t!’ and that’s the thing! that’s the personality I’ve lived which can be equated in a polarized manner to that of a religious person in fact where there was a dimension of ‘I cannot enjoy myself, I cannot be ‘happy’ unless everyone else in the world is happy’ and so yes, denying myself the possibility and ability I have to fully live the words ‘I matter’ not only in the aspects I described yesterday, but in everything and anything I do or don’t do, to do it for and as myself and stop seeing myself ‘through the eyes of others’ which I’ve seen lately is quite a ‘biggie’ for me as well.

Therefore, I’m glad that I’ve been able to open this up for myself and I share it considering how someone else might relate to it –part of the principle of making myself ‘matter’ is to express and share, to keep track of myself in what I go discovering about me, my life, the way I’ve lived, the points I have yet to walk, change and fine tune. All of this is what I see is a key for me to step out of certain limitations as beliefs, ideas of ‘who I must be’ that eventually become what has been defined as ‘the religion of self’ as the personalities we’ve become, the limitations, the fears, the morality over the reasons why we do or don’t do things which stand as obstacles to us fully embracing, living and expressing as the matter, the life, the potential that is here as ourselves, that’s what the Desteni Process is about, so in a way learning to be ‘the best’ for yourself, as yourself entirely and then get to realize what that means when understanding the actuality of equality and oneness : )

 

Will continue to share as I go…

 

Thanks for reading!

 

Hollow the Priest

 

Join us in our process of Self-Expression as LIFE


563. From Present Tense to Present-Here and Slowing Down

Or walking through fears that create a physical tension within a new experience

I noticed tension upon having to be learning to drive, it is one of those things where of course I’m not at all used to it therefore the initial fear that comes with it manifests as a form of tension in my body where after some 40 minutes of holding the wheel my hand was quite sore for a moment, which made me realize how tense I was while learning the whole thing in my first day, today after having completed the second day of driving it was already quite less, but I made sure to write the following blog yesterday so that I could become aware of all of these points while having to practice again today.

I’m also learning to embrace these initial fears and have a clear idea on how the only way to transcend these fears that I had created about driving – and the plethora of possible scenarios – are only in my mind and that when one is ‘at the wheel’ all that is here is myself/my body having to follow specific steps that require my focus and attention on every single thing that happens in every moment. What I mean by embracing the initial fears is specifically related to not wanting to deny, suppress or make myself appear ‘stronger’ than this fear that manifests as a tension, otherwise my whole attention would go ‘up there’ in the mind, wanting to ‘fight the fears’ and I would then end up not being fully present in physical reality in the moment when I was having to be paying full attention to the guy giving me the instructions, which actually happened for a few times yesterday and a little bit less today, but still made the same mistakes which I’ll outline here.

I noticed how I wasn’t listening to him at first, but instead I was using ‘tension’ in my body as a form of control, when in fact that only makes it all much harder and physically draining – and even now several hours after such exercise yesterday, I had a mild headache – which is something familiar to me whenever I get too tense about something that I am trying to control through fear, instead of focusing on self-control as in remaining stable, present, calm which translates into more of an ease at a physical level. Today I noticed the tension and deliberately would make the change to hold the wheel in a different manner to be more aware of how my back was doing, practicing stability throughout the whole thing which worked quite well.

There were moments while standing in the red lights or when not having to be coordinating the various steps to drive where I could manage to loosen up a bit, but I interestingly enough found myself sticking out my tongue tip and touching my upper lip, which is something that I would do as a child in fact when having a ‘superior’ as a teacher showing me to do something and where I by default would take that ‘inferior’ position of being ‘the student’ within a certain experience of ‘I can mess up many times and it can be ok’ or diminishing the mistakes with a bit of goofiness, which sure can be done the initial times, but I liked the approach of the teacher on identifying the mistakes so that I could become aware of them and not repeat them.

So what I did was voicing out the corrections, repeating the steps with my own voice because I realized how listening to him was not enough when being doing the steps myself, I would try and control the whole thing with ‘doing things quickly’ which doesn’t really work in this case, and I in fact had to slow down more and be ok with not doing it ‘fast’ right away considering that I am doing this for the first time, lol, there goes ‘Marlen’s exigency’ there with ‘speed’.

In a way this whole episode of learning to drive brought me back to my relationship to learning with or from teachers and how many times I simply would not hear them and ‘do things my own way’ which of course in some contexts might have worked for me, but in this context, the specific instructions and steps to learn this are there for a reason, which is something I fortunately realized early on in the first lesson so that I could in fact pay more attention to what he was saying – nonetheless this initial approach of ‘believing I know’ and then doing it my way of course didn’t result at all, because I then repeated the same mistakes.

Interestingly enough I witnessed a bit of the beginning of the next lesson with another woman and I noticed how she was in fact listening to the instructions and doing things much more slower which was quite apt in this case – whereas I kind of went a bit ahead of myself and due to the fear/tension I got somewhat clumsy in terms of the steps to take, which fortunately enough were only at the beginning and the rest were better, which was the result of the teacher letting me know I wasn’t listening and that I had to listen to get it done right.

It’s kind of funny though because it is so that it reveals a lot about myself and all the times that I have wanted to ‘rebel’ and ‘do things my way’ when it comes to teachers, in a way holding this ingrained belief that they are ‘holding me back’ from doing it some other faster and more accurate way, but! I realized this was not the case and that I was only kind of acting out some of my previous relationships to learning and specifically within the context of ‘teacher-student’ relationship so, it was cool to redefine it in the moment and in fact be able to recognize where I was ‘coming from’ in my initial moves, so that I can then become humble, slow myself down and in fact listen to him, which worked a lot better for both of us of course, as well as continuing voicing the steps for myself too.

I also noticed how any form of judgment created in the moment of doing what can be deemed as the ‘tricky’ or ‘difficult parts’ and repeating these ‘tenseness’ during those specific steps can lead me to eventually create a dislike, resist or create a whole polarity of ‘the good/fun/chilled parts vs. the tense/difficult/bad parts’ of driving, or creating a preference on things where I then start fearing having to ‘do’ certain things, or fearing having to confront certain situations like being on the front line of a row of cars and not being ‘fast enough’ to step on gas and get the car moving or having to get the hang out of going up a slope etc. – I would notice the tendencies to be kind of immediately judging some parts as ‘nice and comfortable’ and others as ‘difficult, tough’ which I had to also in the moment let go of and rather in a way living the word ‘embracing’ as in realizing ‘it’s all part of it’ and so seeing that creating a preference would only become a hindrance and eventual problem for me to earn and imprint within me the driving process in a stable, precise and comfortable manner, with all its parts/aspects involved.

And I have known how upon repeating those same judgments for a long time can eventually lead me to in fact resist doing something, all because of the many times I allowed myself to judge something, to fear something and feed those thoughts every single moment that this same ‘step’ or point would emerge in my reality – so, this time I let go of it and rather decided to practice to get comfortable in doing it.

Yesterday I also noticed how I was breathing more deeply in an attempt to ‘relax’ myself but the fact is that I can see where I can instead prevent creating a build up, a tension that then goes into a ‘loosen up’ and relaxation, which I have created based on the way I had experienced some points within a positive and negative experience; so that’s when I decided to not give into these perceptions and instead, see the physicality of the moves, focus on the steps, the method and taking it as is, devoid of ‘extra adjectives’ or judgments I may create in my head.

 

Therefore this time today it was much better in terms of my physical body, I don’t feel as tense as I did before after the driving lesson. I was focusing on the street, the car, the wheel, the feet and hands etc. – which for now still came through with a tension at a physical body level, but I did notice that I didn’t allow myself to run amok with fears in my mind, even though I could see my propensity to create them, I simply decided to ‘not go there’ as in ‘into them’ and keep focusing on reality and continuing practicing listening to the teacher.

One day after learning some theory and basics on getting the car going and going straight into the traffic was quite unexpected to me, but I went for it and ‘did my best’ in the ways that I’ve explained here, from changing my relationship to being told exactly what to do and initially sort of reacting to it from the past memories of ‘learning’ from others to actually seeing how it was in fact important to Hear and do things step by step as intended – lol – and slowing down. I also realized my own foolishness of how in wanting to ‘figure it out myself’ I can imprint the whole basics in a clumsy manner, which is not the point here.

I also noticed how I have a lot of memories of an aunt of mine that would pick my cousins and I from school and she usually would drive a manual car. I was at the time very judgmental about her driving, believing it was too clumsy, too slow, too unaware and now in a way I got to place myself in her shoes and so realized as well how sometimes what it takes is literally ‘placing ourselves in their position’ to then understand why it could have been something difficult for her to do and in a way also learn from those mistakes to correct them within me, I had not even realized to what extent her driving skills had created an impact on me to the point where her driving and memories of me driving in the backseat with her were coming up quite frequently while I was at the wheel, fascinating – maybe only a little bit from my sister that also drove a manual, but I got to also realize how these fears about driving a manual would come from what I perceived back then were there many ‘close to crashing’ times I had with my aunt, lol.

Therefore tomorrow I can continue reminding myself to keep an eye on my body, my hands, my legs to see ways to loosen up the ‘ingrained fears’ so that the tension at a physical body can be relieved with practice and developing an eventual comfort with it, which is why for now I can’t judge myself and my tension because it is ‘normal’ in a way at the beginning of learning  to drive, and saw that yes it is something we are not entirely ‘prepared’ for, but we sometimes cannot be; sometimes we can only be ‘as ready as we can ever be’ and take the situation as it comes while knowing that whatever comes, we can take responsibility for it, we can ‘respond’ to it, we can find ways to solve it.

For now I have to practice slowing down, because I have tended to be too ‘considerate’ of others and rush the whole thing because of not wanting to ‘waste the other driver’s time’ which is the reason why in rushing, I’d end up making a mistake and not listen to my teacher, because I was more focused on the one behind me that on my own. Man, I’ve made this same anxiety/consideration towards others even in supermarkets with trolleys, lol so I definitely know this pattern and that means I have to give myself the space to slow the fuck down, seriously. No one started doing things perfectly so, here also the drivers that start honking, I’m sure they also at some point learned to drive and probably have forgotten to be considerate towards newbies like me.

What I’m practically learning is to not judge the mistakes, realize it’s a start, it’s a learning process and rather being careful enough with the outside environment as well as within my physical body, wherein I definitely want to be able to breathe and loosen up a bit every moment that I can.

Interestingly enough what I have noticed however after these three days of lessons is myself slowing down in relation to walking and interacting with cars as a pedestrian. I have explained many times how much I judged drivers and kind of expected ‘them’ to consider ‘me’ but now upon knowing how much there is to be aware of while driving, I am now being the considerate one and developing a lot of patience when crossing the streets, not risking it, not going by ‘impulse’ so again, this ‘placing yourself in the shoes of another’ led me to truly consider the position that people are at behind the wheel and be able to consider them a lot more than I used to, which is cool and safer for me considering that ‘speed’ is quite a tendency for me, so, lol I have to truly slow down, that’s what’s best for all for sure.

Walking through fears in a physical manner is definitely only possible by actually doing it. I’ve done the same with riding a bike which I still don’t do on a regular basis after a massive fall I had some 9 years ago, and the few times I’ve taken a bike were also steps to test myself, to see how I do with riding a bike and sometimes my whole body would go into shaking mode, and the memories of the gruesome situation would come up again, but that’s where ‘moving’ myself to make a change comes in the way of Not participating within those ‘flashbacks’ and simply keeping focused and stable and breathing as a point of physical awareness that brings stability and focus for me.

I am also thankful to fellow Destonians because I’ve been aware of how some have walked through the same fears and read their self-forgiveness on it, where I could see that the way to correct the whole experience is to be present, here, be focused on one’s body, one’s reality and practice, practice, practice, as well as being ready to face whatever challenges may come in self-responsibility.

I share here then some material that can be supportive for others learning to do the same which has been supportive for me, as well as a fresh video that talks about comparison but interestingly enough also sharing a very real situation of ‘learning to do something for the first time’ and the physical process it in fact takes to do so in a comfortable manner.

 

·         The Design of Powerlessness and Disempowerment – Principled Living Cerise and Joe sharing first hand experiences on fearing driving and how they overcome it.

·         Day 298 – EQAFE Fears and Phobias of car accidents: my experience by Talamon

·         The Trap of Comparison by Sunette

 

Thanks for reading!

 

DSC00452

 

Join us in our process of Self-Expression as LIFE


562.Stepping out of Character

Or how to practically challenge the ‘I will never….’ statements

I’m currently doing things that I would not have done before, that I had said ‘I’m never going to do’ or that I was resisting to get to do not that long ago, yet upon also analyzing to what extent these beliefs were limiting me in many ways, I realized how I was sticking to certain views and ideas about myself and what I am willing to do or not as part of a religion of self, where I believed that ‘I have to stick to my words’ or ‘I have to follow through my decision’ even if these words or decisions are proven to be ineffective, rather limiting or leading myself to a form of restriction or ‘sacrifice’ within a moral view of what I believed is right or wrong to do.

An example is getting a car and learning to drive. I had been wanting to avoid doing this for such a long time and dragging this around as something I would ‘someday, maybe, eventually do’ but ultimately had not placed a time and date for it, believing that somehow I could just prolong it and leave it hanging there for indefinite time. However, I am glad that certain situations in my reality have also led me to push to get this done and saw for myself how it was rather ‘easy’ it was to give direction to these two points in terms of finding a suitable used car and scheduling the driving lessons. I had the first one today and yes of course it’s completely doing something that I had for sure feared and so resisted to do for such a long time that whatever I face as fear is only also an accumulation of all the reasons, excuses and justifications I would tell myself in order to not move and direct this point in my life, which I am definitely now aware is something that I can get to enjoy and benefit from.

Here then for example, some of the reasons, excuses and justifications I used to not learn to drive is not wanting to pollute more the world with one more car, opting to walk around for the most part, take uber rides or public transportation which I have defined also as ‘grounding moments’ which sure I can still do whenever it’s practical do so, but it’s of course cool to have an option that is a more independent form of transportation. I also got to take pride on walking long distances, to the point where I could walk to places without even taking public transportation, which is still something enjoyable for sure and great exercise, though sometimes road to get somewhere is not always walkable, weather conditions are not always suitable and this also becomes a determining factor to go out to places that are mostly nearby, which has actually been then a limitation for me to not go to places where public transportation doesn’t get to or private rides would be too expensive. So, with having a car I can then circumvent these limitations and get around easier.

In terms of seeking a car, it was also quite a time consuming situation, something that I had to not give up on and be patient about as well, it’s not so ‘easy’ to buy a used car and be satisfied in most aspects about it, so I am glad I found the one I ended up buying right when I said ‘ok I’m done, this is the last number I’m calling to’ – and a part of me also wants to diminish all of this as petty situations, nothing too ‘transformative’ or these are things that people do on a daily basis, but here I also have to consider my context and my particular beliefs that I had to essentially breakthrough – or step out of character – in order to do all of this, so I have to not go into a projection about how this might be read, because here I share the direction that’s needed to do things that I had postponed for a long time until realizing the benefit that it creates.

Another thing I decided to do is get into a short running race for amateurs on Sunday, it’s essentially a 3 km jog that I regularly do, and I managed to get a second place in it lol, it was funny because to me it ended up being a lot more considering I jogged all the way back and forth to the start of the race, so I also discovered that I can in fact jog more than what I usually do and my body didn’t get strained at all, which means that whenever I feel like I can barely complete one loop around the track it means I am most likely listening to my mind and not really being here with and as my body. Of course this wasn’t among ‘professional’ so I’m not bragging about the position here, but rather seeing how this was easy for me to do because of having been consistently jogging.

This is again something I would not have at all considered I would do in my life based on how much I would suffer to give a jog around a smaller track when being in junior high school and saying words like ‘I’m never going to run again in my life.’ For this race, I had to make a decision to participate in it, get myself inscribed which is by all means something I would not have dreamed of doing over 2 years ago when I would probably run 100 meters and start panting… it may seem easy to say to be part of a race, but again taking my context into consideration, I would always only fume about how I ‘sucked at running’ and ‘loathed physical exercise’ many years ago. However with consistency I’m about to do some 2 years of being regularly jogging without having any problems in my body with it, being very gentle as well and not over doing it, as well as continuing walking on a regular basis which I’ve done for some 10 years or so, which has also been very assisting to me, my grounding ‘get away from computer’ moment as well, a ‘me time’ walk towards downtown and yes for sure also doing it for the exercise it is. Here I also place a disclosure that many people consider jogging is not good for the body, and so it might not but that’s where I’m at right now with it and enjoying a lot the fact that I can do something I would not have dreamed of being able to do before – of course starting with small steps, practicing, just like with everything, which I now remind myself of now that I got quite into the ‘new zone’ of learning to drive, and reminding myself to be patient about these new things to learn, expansion it is!

I’ve also been painting something that I sincerely would not have done 10 years ago when I started my career, and it is funny how I am remembering more about the classes  I decided to skip many times because of how I deemed my teacher was ‘too conservative’ and that I was ‘never going to paint the stuff he wanted us to paint’ and even had verbal arguments with him where I got into one of those arrogant positions of me being all about abstract art and ‘could not care less for painting a self-portrait.’ And I just realized I kind of just painted that lol! And I am actually blushing right now in embarrassment while remembering that moment with that teacher where I almost let everybody know how much I disliked his ways and creating a belief that I also was not precisely appreciated by him, which I actually later on had to debunk for the assumption it was on my side, and also up till this day, I do regret not having gotten some basics from him, because they are in fact the kind of apprenticeship that you don’t get anywhere else, so I share this as a cautionary tale to ‘never say never’ and realize that any skills are always welcomed to be learned, because we never know when we might need them.

But in my case that’s done and now all I can do is learn those skills myself. Here simply sharing as part of those things that I said I would ‘never do’ and have kind of just ended up doing it anyways because I am also exploring different things to do and challenging what comes ‘natural’ to me and doing things I would usually definitely not do when it comes to painting.

I’ve discovered how painting or doing art is where most of my self doubt can emerge because there is not set ‘right or wrong’ ‘finished or unfinished’ type of task that I am good at – when it comes to self-creation it is a process in itself and that’s also how I’m realizing that it goes beyond the ‘final product’ as well, it also has to do with how one goes shaping one’s expression every brush of the way so to speak. And yes I also have to eat my words as well when I said I wasn’t going to paint again and do art again… well, here I am, one more to the list of things that I’ve gotten to ‘get back to’ or start learning to do or continue integrating in my life, which I am definitely enjoying because it is one of those things I do for myself and discovering new starting points for it becomes a nurturing hand in hand process with the Desteni Process as well.

Same with travelling to a particular country that I said ‘I won’t ever step foot into it again!’ and ranting about it… well, yep I can never know what opportunities may open up in relation to that country as well so, I can only eat humble pie and take my words back, self-forgive my absolutism/self-fascism that I now realize I have kept as a form of limitation which I am now very much willing to and ready to expand from.

With these few examples and others in my day to day, I am seeing more clearly how ‘tight-viewed’ I have kept myself in relation to many things in my life just because of believing that I am comfortable the way I am, but in reality it might not be so and the only way to get to know where one is actually limiting oneself or in fact doing something out sheer preference, is by testing things out and realizing that nothing is lost by testing something out, giving it a go, doing something ‘out of the normal’ which I am definitely eager to continue doing in various ways as well. It definitely seems like I am shedding an old skin so to speak and opening my horizons to something beyond what has become very normal and regular to me.

The overall point as a reminder for myself is: never say never, because we won’t ever in fact know what is ‘around the corner’ in our lives and creating these statements like ‘I’ll never drive a car’ ‘I dislike jogging’ or ‘I hate painting self-portraits’ or ‘I am never going to buy a car’ or ‘I won’t ever grow my hair back again’ are statements I made at a certain point in my life, but I’m learning to not keep myself captive within my own sentences and instead challenging myself, because to me many times it felt as if I was ‘betraying myself’ by doing all of these things, but all I’ve seen is the betrayal of opinions, beliefs, morals – ultimately a religion of self where I was not really considering all the potential situations or outcomes in life that I have to in fact be flexible about, so this is also another practical way to live the word flexibility.

All of this is of course part of walking this Desteni process where these decisions to do something and actually ‘move’ in our reality  – even more so when they are ‘out of the comfort zone’ situations – are quite supportive to transcend our fears, our limitations, our beliefs, our morals, our ‘religion of self’ and continue challenging myself this way, which is then again going hand in hand with my previous blog on ‘provocation’ and provoking myself to ‘loosen up’ some of the tight and rigid fixed ‘norms’ I had set for myself throughout my life in the past – or up to fairly recently – because hey, every day can be an opportunity to challenge these limitations.

Ok, let’s continue walking.

Thanks for reading.

 

Leave Behind

 

Join us in our process of Self-Expression as LIFE


%d bloggers like this: