Category Archives: denial

637. #EqafeDiscovery: Defined by Relationships and Redefining Self in Relationships

 

 I recommend checking out these audios on Eqafe.com Using Relationships to Hide From Myself – Life Review and Time Alone Before Time Together – Life Review which are about a subject that usually becomes a focal point of attention or even conflict in our lives, which is certainly something I can relate to and unfortunately, still get to see how it defines our lives in so many ways when we don’t look at it in self honesty – this is about… Relationships!

I’ve written this out before how this was a ‘weakness’ in my life and consider that I’m now at a stage where I am getting to see with more clarity what is it that I ‘missed’ to live within me that led me to constantly have relationships as a ‘point of focus’ and usually having the idea or thought of ‘having to be in a relationship’ as a constant thought running in my mind. I had not noticed to what extent I essentially defined myself entirely by being with a certain person in a relationship or being ‘lacking a relationship’ and this is basically what I got reminded of when re-listening to these audios that, lol, I was essentially going to translate to Spanish only to find out that … They had already been published some years ago J Instead of seeing the work done as a ‘waste of time’- because they became useless to publish –  I decided to use the ‘refreshed realizations’ to write out this blog.

I can relate to the woman that comes through in the audio to share her life story and situation. I was the kind of person in my younger years that even before ever having any form of relationship, I would already be kind of preparing the ground on how ‘I would like it to be in a relationship’ and kind of already creating a mindset of only being able to only be ‘fulfilled’ and ‘happy’ if being in a relationship that I could define as ‘life saving’ yep! A very askew starting point but, I am now ok with that because I basically didn’t know any better at the time and I’ve walked the self forgiveness on all those ‘lacks’ that I lived at the time, which surely led me to feel depressed and feeling utterly miserable.  And yes, that was the starting point when I entered  my first relationships and the series of situations where I was looking for ‘appreciation, ‘love’, ‘care’ and ‘worth’ from other people that I would say in retrospect mirrored back my own lack of self-love a, self worth, self care, self appreciation and self-recognition. I then would decide to ‘be’ all of those things ‘for them…’ and yes as it should, none of those ended ‘well’ I would say, which is for the best of both parties of course.

Here I’m realizing that it’s not even about ‘other people,’ but more what I accepted and allowed to exist within me as the idea or concept of ‘relationships’ and ‘being in a relationship’ or ‘being without a relationship’ that I used as the starting point to create relationships… and so I got to see what I had to see in each one of them and break apart, because of having the flawed starting point – and it’s not like they would have ‘stood the test of time’ anyways because of how much I evolved throughout the years – thanks to myself for deciding to walk the Desteni process of course, which is how I’ve gotten myself to be where I am now – it’s not a smooth ride, lol, not at all in the relationship arena but definitely seeing the value of all my decisions and points walked as part of what makes me ‘me’ today – and sure it’s not ‘done’ and there’s plenty of more things to solidify within me – but that’s cool too 🙂

What the lady shares in the Eqafe recording is definitely worth listening to because I’m sure that each person can identify with different aspects of her experience. I can relate to the point of going from one relationship into another – with little time in between – which is Not a suggested move to say the least because one is most likely not in a clear mindset and one is not giving proper time to digest the one that has just ended off and re-settle within oneself to then make sound decisions in what one wants to do from then on.  And I also can relate to the ‘time off’ from relationships which I did also take a few years ago and have shared about before, it lasted some 4 or 5 years and that’s when I kind of faced myself full on and finally built that self-relationship to the point where I got to enjoy being on my own, doing things for me and getting to face this ‘addictive need’ to the idea of having to have a relationship.

If you ask me, the immediate thought or idea that comes to mind is  that such phase of my life seems like ‘hideous’ in my mind. Many times I felt very alone and it was definitely like withdrawing from an addiction to be honest, to kind of face that actual ‘void’ where one feels kind of dead – lol – I didn’t realize it was then me being at the prime of being able to now move, decide to do and express and live and be that which I would direct myself to be and do, which I eventually started realizing and practicing, but man, the conditioning was extensive based on how I would always be ‘expecting’ someone to ‘move me’ to ‘invite me’ to ask me to ‘go out and do stuff’ – and that’s where I started deciding to do it for myself. I guess it felt like when someone has had a cast on their leg and always needs a cane to walk and suddenly you no longer have it and you can simply decide to move and do things and go to places without it, it was that ‘odd’ I guess.

It was also a very fruitful time when it comes to my education, taking the time that I needed to learn, investigate, write myself out, get to know me in various aspects and even more so, seeing who am I without having a ‘someone’ in my life in the sense of a relationship. Was it hard? Yes, but I see it was totally necessary to get to ground myself more… but it didn’t last that much. The next relationship  I created was because I went back to allowing experiences of feeling quite alone and detached from various people I defined as a point of support, communication and interaction in my life, I wasn’t ‘whole’ within me to say the least. Nonetheless I’m thankful as well to that person that decided to agree on such relationship, but I realize that the ‘neediness’ then defined the outcome of it, ultimately realizing that it wasn’t a well thought decision, which I have shared about in various blogs before as well. 

Then even if believing that I was more grounded and considerate, stepping into another relationship right after that was definitely not a wise move either. It was stemming from a desire to ‘move away’ from what I had been through and evading looking to look at, which I eventually did but I had already placed my foot in another relationship.  It seemed ‘easier’ to write out and deconstruct what had happened in the previous relationship while already knowing  that there was ‘someone else’ already on my path as a potential relationship, so that became another comfort zone and didn’t really give myself that time –again – to think things properly, which then led to kind of repeat the same story up to a new point where I decided ‘Now that’s the kind of person  I really want in my life’ and creating a new relationship.

There is shame involved in admitting my jumping from one relationship onto another, but I have learned to see it as the pattern that it represents in relation to me and this kind of ‘rushing’ through things, and not giving myself the time to slow down and think things well… sometimes being impulsive – or most of the times I would say – so this is also something I’m learning in creating a balancing point between expressing and ‘going for something’ and having the rest of the considerations in place, like considering the other people involved and not just ‘seeing how things go’ … there’s a balancing point there which I am becoming more aware of.

It is through being ‘ashamed’ of something that we can profoundly get to see what we ‘missed’ of ourselves, what we put ourselves and others through when doing things in a rather inconsiderate manner, but it’s not supportive at all to remain in such shame and prevent ourselves from sharing back what we learn through our mistakes that, I have decided to see as ways in which I certainly didn’t slow myself down, I rushed through things, I got myself in dishonest situations because of ultimately fearing that I would end up in another relationship that I would not be ‘happy’ with. In essence, I wasn’t honest with myself and as a consequence I wasn’t honest towards others.

This is one of the points that I come to see as well, how I tended to totally create a condition of ‘the relationship’ being a point of ‘happiness’ for me, which is impossible to expect. No one and no-thing can ever be ‘that’ for ourselves, we have to learn how to be it, live it, express it for and as ourselves. Sure relationships can be a point of support and platforms to develop that, but even if one is In a relationship, it doesn’t mean that one is actually self-fulfilled, living self-love, living self-care and self-enjoyment and self-communication… living a genuine relationship with ourselves.

So, this is what I’ve noticed is something that still drives many to look for relationships, or even more so to believe that ‘they have to have’ a relationship, or that they are miserable without a relationship, or that a relationship will give them acceptance, love, appreciation, security and the rest of expressions that we don’t realize we have to always ultimately be for ourselves and give to ourselves first. Otherwise, the usual kind of ‘compromising relationships’ are formed where we become dependent on others to ‘be that expression’ for us, to be that point of acceptance for us, to be that source of appreciation for us…. And that is definitely Not SELF-expression, but egos massaging each other into an illusion of ‘completion.’

So that’s the trap that we might fall into from time to time ‘fall’ because it is not us standing and joining someone in their lives with a whole stance and recognition of who we really are…. The worst starting point of starting a relationship is because one feels like one ‘needs’ a relationship or feels ‘unfulfilled’ or ‘unhappy’ and believes that someone else in your life should ‘fill that void’ or ‘be your happy place.’ Lol

Why do relationships become a ‘focal point’ in our lives? Because of that broadly accepted and allowed belief of having to have someone in your life that can complete you, satisfy you, accept you, tell you how relevant or important you are, how much they ‘need you’ and all of those things… and we don’t realize the obvious, which is how this is a basic form of enslavement that we create towards each other, because it’s two individuals believing themselves to be ‘unfulfilled’ that then get together to create the illusion of ‘completion’ and then if the other for one or another reason doesn’t satisfy the other, then all hell breaks loose because we have deposited the entirety of ‘who we are’ on another’s hands… something is really wrong with this picture… but it is actually one of the most ingrained beliefs and ideas that are ‘socially accepted’ as  ‘how things are.’ But! As always, such beliefs need to be dissected and challenged.

Here I am not speaking from a starting point of saying ‘relationships are bad’ in themselves, no. It is not about that. It’s about looking at our starting point to be in one, to look at ‘who we are’ within it and consequently who the other person is and to decide where do we want to stand in that agreement to be together and what the purpose of it is. It may sound a bit too utilitarian in nature, but it does assist to dispel some of the usual veils created through feelings around the idea or notion of love or simply ‘liking someone’ or seeing certain expression in them that we ‘like’ or ‘feel attracted to’ but haven’t actually first investigated why we are ‘attracted’ to them but are not living those aspects or words in our own lives then?

What I have done when getting this kind of ‘attraction’ situation is actually looking at (writing out) what are the aspects/words that the person is living that I actually like and where and how I can live that as myself?  From doing so then the whole idea of attraction might simply dispel as I got to see in my case when I did this with great detail in some blogs I shared before too. It all ends and begins in ‘what do I live, what do I express, what can I learn to expand myself on, what can I live with, what do I want to experience and create of myself?’ And so the focus is not on the ‘other’ person.

When to know that one is not doing and living this for oneself but instead is once again ‘falling’ into the depositing of our entire being and expression onto someone else in a relationship? When we believe that any ‘low’ experience as in feeling unsatisfied, depressed, lonely, unappreciated or lacking some kind of will to do things IS because ‘of the other person.’ Hmmm! That sounds very questionable isn’t it? Why would someone else have to ‘be that’ for ourselves? Why would we entrust the totality of our capacity and decision to be who we want to be and what we want to create in someone else’s hands? 

Well, it takes a moment of self-assessment to simply see that any form of dissatisfaction because of having or not having a relationship and not meeting certain expectations in having or not having it, is in fact a distraction, a point of blame that we use to in a way deceive ourselves to not see the obvious self-honesty assessment that is actually needed to be looked at: What am I not Being and Living for Myself? What am I not doing to be the creator of my own wellbeing? What am I not giving and doing for myself, to be and create who I want to be and create? Why am I determining the totality of my being to the potential of this ‘someone’ that ‘eventually’ comes into my life to ‘rescue’ me? Lol, it sounds like the Disney movies but! that was my mentality when I was a teenager and I’m glad I’ve moved from that but I can still see the various experiences that may come up when delegating all of these things that I have to be and live for myself first of all on the hands of my partner for example.

What breaks the spell of this? Self-honesty really, nothing else, reminding myself that no one and no thing outside of me can be my point of satisfaction and fulfillment, because every time that I do that, I lose myself, I ‘fall’ from the wholeness of who I am and cut a chunk out of me until I can grow it back within the awareness of ‘what am I not living and being for myself that I believe I require someone else has to give me?’ So that’s more like the correction and self-direction point, whenever I create a ‘falling’ in my experience, any ‘low’ I have to see where and how I am not expressing me, where am I not doing what I see I can do, learn, be , develop and express that I know will satisfy me and expand my own horizons of who I want to be and create of myself? And then things open up to step into J

In this case, I can see it’s not about ‘relationships’ as such, it’s all about our self-relationship. It is as simple as seeing that if one doesn’t have a well established self-relationship, then the relationships we accept and allow  will contain some beliefs of lacking, needing, wanting, feeling alone and unfulfilled. It is also so that even in relationships we remain alone and it’s interesting because it’s one of the most ‘feared’ experiences at the same time in most human beings, instead of realizing that: we are always alone! Even if surrounded with people, there’s no ‘two’ in one single mind and body, lol. Fascinating to see how much of the, let’s call it ‘consciousness gibberish’ around love and relationships becomes our way of seeing and defining ourselves and so defining how we live and what we live.

This has been a word that I’ve been looking at recently, what I allow myself to ‘be defined by’. This also extends to for example the definition of what I believe I should be ‘living’ or ‘doing’ based on the age I have, the idea that I must have a ‘better definition’ of myself in a certain role or profession or a ‘doing’ that gives me some kind of worth and value. This is not to diminish the definitions that are still very much alive and relevant in the world, but it is about being able to have certain definitions to be able to function in the world, but to not make myself believe that ‘that is all that I am’ and ‘that’s all I can ever be’ or believe myself to only be this one tag, this one label, this one definition…. I would say it’s the other way around in how based on all the definitions that people are living out and how much separation it creates, it has led me to want to live out more of an expansive self where I don’t ‘cage’ myself in conventional ways of having to ‘be.’  And that is liberating, but this mostly opens up as I go facing any form of inner conflict, and ultimately realizing that any form of ‘conflict’ I may create is allowing me to see something that I am still creating a finite definition of, something I believe I must ‘fit into’ or that I ‘should be’ and so forth.

There is an aspect of control that emerges when wanting to fit into a certain idea or belief of what we want to be living or experiencing, and if we don’t get that, it leads to the ‘disappointment’ on things, but ultimately… where does that idea come from? Is it something we are ‘falling’ into believing we ‘must’ have or do or accomplish based on what others live or what society dictates? Or is it something that I am genuinely deciding to live and do and experience for myself because I see the benefit of it?

I’ve noticed a bunch of these things determined by what I get to hear and see from others, but ultimately going into comparison leads nowhere, because no other person is in my same body and being and having the exact same ‘me-ness’ that could perhaps consider doing exactly what the other ‘me’ is doing, lol. It might be sounding extreme, but it is that silly to live in comparison, because even if we are ‘the same’ in our basic functionality, we are unique in how we live such functionality and our context and our live and beingness and body and the rest of the things that are unique to each one of us, which is the amazing part of also getting to know oneself and so getting to know and live with other individuals.

Where am I going with this? To realize that many times we create this idea of relationship as something that ‘must be had’, that ‘must be attained’, that is seen as a ‘lack’ if you are not in one… but the ultimate REAL question I would ask and I would definitely kind of exhort myself and anyone else to look at is: Am I in a healthy relationship with myself? Am I creating my own wellbeing, satisfaction, developing my expression and doing what I see is needed to live my potential? Am I settled in my self-commitment to live with me for a lifetime in this world and beyond? That’s the kind of questions to actually ask, because by default, whatever we decide to live and create from that starting point, will be an extension and reflection of that self-creation and the fulfillment that doing all of those things creates.

 So, I would rather say, dare to be that best for yourself first, dare to give to you what you have believed ‘others’ had to give to you or be for you… that’s limitation, that’s enslavement, that’s codependency and that’s ultimately self-diminishment and nope, I consider we must now go beyond that as human beings.

If we apply this principle more and more, there will be no more ‘traps’ formed in relationships, because we will know where we stand, what we want to create, what we accept and allow and as such, we will acknowledge full responsibility of who we decide to be and who we decide to share our lives with… there will be no more blaming, cheating, lying, manipulating, blackmailing, spiting and many other ‘worst of us’ aspects that emerge through relationships at the moment.

This is how from another perspective, all of the above is also part of our process to discover that ‘worst’ and so the best potential of ourselves through relationships – here careful to not say ‘Ah! That’s why I am Not in a relationship! Because all of that sucks!’ because one things I’ve found is that there is no other way I could be realizing this if it wasn’t for the various relationships I’ve been in – with their ups and downs-  they’ve been very supportive to see myself better and I hope that the same goes for the others involved in them too.

So, it’s about walking relationships just like anything else in this world where we learn to define our stance, how we want to live and what we want to express but always taking the point back to self to be THE starting point of it all within us… might be catalyzed, supported or influenced by those people that we create relationships with, but that’s as far as it can go, it cannot ever be the driving force or reason or motivation for it… we always have to be ‘it’ for ourselves, and whenever it is not, the relationship just falls once again to show us where and how we weren’t standing in the wholeness of ourselves to be able to stand in integrity, self-respect and self-responsibility side by side with others.  And so we learn! And make the necessary changes from that.

Ok that’s what I wanted to share, to essentially let go of the idea of ‘having to be with someone’ if that comes up… best to simply look at where and how I have not fully gotten to get to know me, get to enjoy me, get to go alone and do the things that I know I want to develop and learn about or experience… lol so many times we kind of almost ‘wait’ for doing all of those things ‘with someone’ and! It will be quite rare that any other person will be entirely ‘up for it’ and be at that level with you. This is also a relevant consideration so that we don’t hold others captive to the idea/definition of what we ‘expect’ others to be in our lives… no one is going to ever be that, nor should they be it.

Part of the expansive aspects of being in a relationship with someone is precisely getting to embrace them in their uniqueness, in their expression, with all their ways of being…. If that simply becomes something that you don’t want to live with and experience… there’s no need to ‘keep at it’ for any reason, that would be enslaving and limiting for both. At the same time it is to be aware that there will e challenges where our ego points are being pushed, where our illusions are shattered and when being with another becomes an opportunity to step outside of the definitions of what I ‘believed’ a relationship should be…. lol there is no ‘should’ or ideals that can ever fit a unique situation and expression that takes place between two individuals in a particular space and time…. And this is where letting go of definitions also comes in and more realizing it takes a willingness to expand and from there assess what one wants to live and be with. All about self!

Thanks for reading

 

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505. Why Do We Hate?

Or understanding hate as a way to avoid looking at how we created expectations towards others being or doing that which we desired/wanted for ourselves.

This has been a question that I consider we have all had in our lives at some point and unfortunately like many other ‘darker’ aspects of our minds, we fear investigating ‘who we are’ as hate, instead of seeing that in the first place, it’s not really about ‘hating others’- it is an accumulation of negative reactions that we are projecting towards others that are based on an initial positive experience and expectation that we created towards something or someone. This way love and hate are in fact existing as these relationships that we hold through positive and negative experiences, leading us to eventually have to ‘burst the bubbles’ of the perceived positive in order to reveal behind it all, what is it that we have in fact been projecting towards another as an expectation of what we would like/love them to be and do for us.

“One cannot continue with an illusion like this in relationships, how are we ever going to learn how to be ourselves, to stand on our own two feet, to be individuals, to be independent, if throughout existence all we do is expecting everything and everyone else to be something for us when we’re not even willing to be it for ourselves, I mean how can we even expect it or demand it, or depend on it from someone else if we don’t really in fact know what it really I fact means to be all of those things, that we’re wanting others to be it for us. “Atlanteans # 80, Eqafe.com

 

This quote from an audio about love and hate in relationships very much stuck with me because it assisted me when it got published some years ago, to understand why it is so easy to go from ‘love’ to ‘hate’ or any other negative experiences specifically within a relationship – be it with family, friendship or partnership. And I’ve also had a few people ask this same question to me lately, where we seem to get ‘puzzled’ over the realization that we are experiencing hate, anger or any other ‘negative’ reaction towards people that we had a generally positive relationship with initially.

 

What  I learned from this interview/audio is that in order for ‘hate’ to exist, we first had to create an expectation, a positive ideal about another in a relationship where we hoped that all of what we have defined as ‘good’, ‘desirable’ or ‘positive aspects’ that we wanted them to be, would become a constant reality of themselves and therefore in the relationship with ourselves/with us.

 

And what happens when we see our expectations ‘fail’, that’s where the shift from ‘loving’ all those positive/good experiences comes back to its opposite, which is ‘hate’ or any other negative reactions where one shifts the point of responsibility towards others as ‘blame’ and ‘hatred’ based on not seeing these positive-experiences fulfilled within ourselves, instead of actually seeing the point of self-responsibility that opens up for us to look at, which is to in fact first see what kind of ideas, expectations and ‘best scenarios’ we created in our minds and projected towards another, waiting and hoping that they would ‘change for us’ or ‘become the best for themselves and therefore for us’ wherein, the moment that this proves to be an ‘unfulfilled expectation’, we believe that ‘the other person is letting us down’ or is ‘betraying us’ but in reality, who created the initial positive-idealism towards the potential change of another person? We did, and therefore throughout our ‘usual reactions’ that we’ve accepted and allowed as ‘human nature’ in this kind of situations, we’ve come to see hate as something valid towards another. But I’ve learned that it is not so, because it is an experience that Is being projected onto another, and at the same time I’d dare to say it is mostly representing the anger towards oneself for having indulged into expectations of others to be able to change, which is therefore where we usually don’t want to acknowledge that we did this to ourselves = we created the positive expectation in our minds, wanting ‘others’ to  be all of that ‘good’ for us where as the quote says, we are wanting others to be for us what we haven’t yet been and done for ourselves – and when reality proves this is not so, it’s not ‘real’ then, we hit the wall and create negative reactions to it.

 

This is also very common towards parents where as children we create ideas of what kind of ‘good parents’ we’d like to have and when our expectations are not met, we end up hating them based on not being able to fulfill those positive things we had expected our parents to be or do for us. Of course as children it’s more difficult to take responsibility for this, but as adults it becomes one of those things where we have to acknowledge our collective responsibility in how we have allowed ‘parenting’ to be done and practiced for such a long time, where we all have our stories to tell on how we can see the flaws in it, but we haven’t yet dared to stand up and own the consequences to take responsibility for that which we have hated or blamed our parents for, because it then doesn’t reflect ‘them’ but ourselves in not wanting to be the change for ourselves, to live for ourselves that which we hold a grudge towards our parents for not doing/being for us. And that’s no longer acceptable.

 

Hate is genuinely another tantrum, another way to justify self-pity, anger, disempowerment, victimization where we are not realizing our first and most important point of self-responsibility, which is that of first being willing to look at all things that we have attached a positive experience towards, which we’ve turned into expectations, beliefs, desires that we have projected onto something or someone and maintaining a positive relationship to all of that as an illusion, then eventually has to hit the ground to see the truth of it all, as anything else that must come back down to earth after flying ‘high’ on positive feelings or expectations.

 

In this case, the best thing to do is to self-forgive all the positive expectations and experiences we had projected towards another, to realize and take responsibility for the fact that we were expecting another to do something that they had not even decided to do for themselves in the first place, but that existed as a hope – therefore when we get to see ‘the proof’ where those expectations are not being met and seeing that ‘another has not in fact been that/done that ‘for me’’ we believe that we have the right to hate them. Really?

 

No, there’s no right to it because we can’t ever change another and hatred means only venting out emotional reactions as all the negative experiences that were held at the same time by their polarity points of all the positive experiences that we had projected and expected others to be or create for us… so who in fact is enslaving ‘who’ in these expectations?

 

This also points out how the solution to hatred is not ‘love’ either, because love as it is currently mainly understood stands as the polarity of hatred, as ‘all the good stuff’ that we haven’t questioned ourselves in the first place why is it that we have to live within a polarity of positive and negative in which we trap ourselves in good and bad experiences, while there is in fact a way to live outside of this polarity, and live life according to self-responsibility, self-honesty, common sense and self-creation.

 

The solution is to understand, write out and self-forgive all of those positive expectations we built around another/others, all the positive ideas and hope we projected upon others and so take responsibility for having allowed ourselves to expect others to change for us, to be ‘the ideal’ that we have created in our own minds, even if one wants to justify it as ‘best for all’ for the other person as well, as long as one sees oneself ‘wanting to change, save’ another, we are in fact compromising ourselves, preparing our path to face the love-hate dynamic and at the same time we don’t even realize how in this kind of relationships and expectations, we prevent the other person from truly deciding to change and live in a supportive manner for and as themselves, not for a relationship, not for a family member or a friend.

 

I’ve been in this outflow and outcome many times in my life and as much as I have wanted to justify ‘my experience’ I cannot deny self-honesty and my point of responsibility and self-creation in these positive experiences and expectations imposed towards another, therefore it is essential for me to realize that I am always the origin, cause and creation of myself as this expectation I projected towards another – same projection or expectation that I now have to bring back to myself so that I can genuinely stand as an individual that does not become dependent on another to change, does not condition our process of self-honesty based on an ideal in my  mind to fulfill by others, even if it’s ‘best’ for others, we cannot ever make that decision and live that process of change for another and that’s actually a principle that I’ve known in theory for so long, yet one can still fall for a moment in it and be blinded by the ‘good experiences’ and neglecting to look at the reality behind it, which is always there in the background, I assure you, it takes courage to recognize the truth and reality behind all the seemingly good experiences.

 

Ultimately this brings me back to seeing that it’s not about ‘others’ that we go into love or hate, but it’s always about ourselves and what we imprint as experiences, expectations, desires, wants, needs towards others and how then we trap ourselves when seeing that it didn’t come through in reality, because we cannot ever stand in the life of another to change them or to be those changes ‘for them’ either, and this is why this process is the ultimate individual self-realization, because no matter how much ‘good’ we would like to do onto others, it’s ultimately up to each one to create themselves/ourselves and I would not want it any other way really, otherwise it would be again very consequential to enslave each other based on becoming ‘each other’s crutch for change’ and expecting another to leave the crutch and stand alone, but the reality does boil down to seeing how if we are not willing to be the best version of ourselves for ourselves, individually, we cannot ever be that for another in a relationship – whether it’s family, friends, partnership, colleagues – and this world is built in relationships.

 

I’ve shared many times before how the same happens with hating presidents or politicians and how it only reveals how many ‘good expectations’ we have projected onto others, to be and act in the best way possible ‘for us’ and in that, creating this righteousness experience if they ‘dare’ to not live up to our expectations, but… who created those expectations in the first place? We did, and so we have to realize our responsibility in creating all of the outcomes that we usually Love to Blame others for, yet, we haven’t even looked at why in the first place have we allowed ourselves to polarize our relationship to things and people in this world within a positive and a negative in which we ‘bounce’ from one pole to the other…

There’s no doubt to me that there is so much to learn from our reactions and how they all always can indicate and assist us to see something that we are not wanting to face, to acknowledge and change within ourselves to begin with.

 

That’s how hate is no different to blame and dodging one’s responsibility to our creation, our expectations, our desires that we are seeking to be fulfilled ‘by others’ in our lives – definitely time to take responsibility for ourselves in its totality and as the audio says, be able to be all of that for ourselves  first instead of expecting others to be that for us.

 

Thanks for reading

 

Recommended audio-support to understand Hate and learn to Self Forgive it:

And!

 

Darla 06

 

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469.Minimizing a Point

Or how I’ve been suppressing points to change and correct within me based on judging them as ‘meaningless’ and not a big deal.

 

Today what opened up for me is how I’ve been ‘Minimizing’ something that emerges within me to look at it, as in making it a seemingly insignificant thing, a ‘no big deal’ situation  within me which means I’ve been justifying myself to remain indulging in something particularly, not questioning it and deciding to in that moment ignore asking the basic questions like ‘who am I’ in desiring to remain in this experience within me? who am I deciding to believe that this is not much of a big point to change in me? What am I trying to hide? What am I defending, justifying or fearing letting go of?

This all emerged as I saw myself once again not wanting to wake up from a particular dream that gave me a positive experience, and lately dreams have been very cool in allowing me to face points and people in my past that I haven’t actually ‘processed’ yet which keep coming back over and over again and I go into the justification of ‘ah they are long gone in my reality, no need to look at it! It’s just a remembrance that’s it!’ while I am seeing very clear and defined patterns that I am acting upon on with them and even if in the dream I know that there is a change in me to be done, I still don’t align that self-application in my dream, but still allow myself to indulge into essentially old patterns that I used to be.

It’s kind of interesting how as I wrote that I became extremely hot as if I am supposed to not be talking about this or opening this up within me which means, same as when one goes red out of embarrassment – man! There’s actually quite a relevance of opening these ‘minimized’ points or ‘maximizing them’, zooming into them and realize there’s actually stuff to process in relation to these people/places of my past, experiences I used to seek vehemently and that would in fact control me, which have been coming up in dreams in a very interesting manner, a sort of self-testing where I am presented with all of these situations and I can always decide to indulge into the ‘old me’ or decide to stand up in those moments, and I have to say that I haven’t yet fully aligned the waking life me and the dream-state me to this application in all areas – in some others I have and those are points that stop coming up in dreams – but the ones that remain in very similar scenarios are pointing out to me something I definitely need to look at, which I will do for myself.

Here then I’m looking at the pattern of how we decide to place a ‘lower value’ on certain things that we face in our lives, where we ‘conveniently ‘see them as ‘not a big deal’ so that we can keep re-living them, falling in them again, not realizing that we are only in fact fooling ourselves anyways in doing this, because the more that we push them aside, ignore and neglect them = the more they will keep coming up and so creating what we know as a ‘time loop’ where a particular pattern repeats itself endlessly until we decide to stop ourselves from participating in it/falling in it and so stand up, make a decision to change and live the correction with consistency, proving to ourselves each moment that we decide to change this point absolutely, to stand up from it every time it ‘pops up’.

This point reminds me of the revenge of the ego where we believe we are just ‘clear’ about many things but some aspects of our past ‘come like a thief in the night’ and rear their head claiming attention and if I decide to ‘minimize’ it and make it only a thing of a ‘dream’ and therefore deciding to believe ‘it has no relevance to myself’ I am in fact deceiving myself because I am aware of that pattern, I know it can still be affecting me in seemingly ‘imperceptible ways’ which if I don’t deal with, will invariably come and bite me back in the ass – really, sorry for the bluntness but that’s what it is – because deciding to not look into a point and seeing it as ‘meaningless’ or ‘too small to care for it’ is only a mechanism of self-deception = self-dishonesty.

I brought this point into a group discussion and it was really awesome to receive feedback, points of self observation and suggestions on how to approach it based on others’ personal experience and that’s what is so nurturing about this process when one is not alone in facing one’s mind, but there are always ways within the Desteni community to cross reference things, to ask for perspectives, to see if someone can relate to something and you’ll get to see that no matter how seemingly ‘odd’ something is, voilà! Someone or more than expected have actually faced that and so it proves again and again how we really are ‘no different’ when it comes to the mechanisms in which our mind operates.

Today’s message is simple as a learning point and experience from this.

– Whenever I see myself minimizing a point as in thinking of it as ‘not an important thing to look at,’ saying ‘ah it’s not that relevant for me any longer, it’s a thing of the past’ or ‘ah but it’s only a nice experience for a moment in a dream, it shall pass!’ or ‘But I’ve worked on similar points before, it should not matter that much to focus so much on this petty one here’ – or ‘it’s just a small bit of myself, I take care of everything else anyways, why should it matter that much?’ I have to stop myself to remind myself that these are excuses, justifications and reasons I am making up within/as my mind in an attempt to conceal actually very relevant aspects of myself that are probably holding/keeping myself in a particular self-definition or fears/desires or holding on to an aspect of ‘me’ that I have believed I have ‘worked on or let go of’.

Therefore I have to make sure I don’t ignore this point but actually decide to open it up in the moment or make a note of it to work later on it in the day, instead of minimizing it, I have to maximize it/zooming into it, aggrandizing it to see the details and equalize the value of it to every other point that I face in my life, considering all of them as aspects and parts of me that I have to equally take responsibility for.

This ‘minimization’ particularly is indicating this seemingly innocent and subtle way in which I create awareness of something yet ‘make it something little’ so as to ‘not bother with it’  – but I’ve proven myself how these are in fact things we relegate and make ‘smaller’ because of the actual ‘hold’ they have of ourselves in our minds, which means there’s actually quite a lot of ourselves still ‘hiding’ in that one aspect and so it at the same time represents an equal gift that we can give back to ourselves with self-forgiveness, so as to not keep ourselves captive with it.

In this I have to remind myself that I don’t have to fear looking at it, I don’t have to fear ‘losing’ this energetic experience because it was never something of ‘the real me’ anyways, it wasn’t a genuine expression or self-creation – they are but remnants of my experiences in the past that I have to now make a clear decision to self-forgive and let go of. I  realize that I am not ‘missing out’ on anything within doing so, because I’ve seen how a lot of what I used to be and do really became this energy-bubble within myself that was unsustainable anyways, so getting to a point of self-honesty should not be seen as a ‘loss’ of sorts – how can we lose something that wasn’t real in the first place?

These are all reminders and points to indicate myself to do, ask and start processing whenever I see myself minimizing something again, relegating it to ‘a second priority’ when in fact, they are here, they came up in the moment, they are priority, they are gifts for me to open up as I ‘receive’ them so to speak, as they come up in my awareness, regardless of it being during my awake or sleeping mode.

– Whenever I go into manipulating myself to see a point as still not relevant to look at or too insignificant – I can do what was suggested today by Sylvia G to do which is to create a projection of how this one seemingly ‘minimal’ point could potentially affect myself, my life and that of others around me based on my continued participation and indulgence on it.

I can see that this in my case would lead me to create the worst kind of situations of self-deception that I in fact have faced in my life before and that I definitely would not want me to repeat the same once more. And upon doing this with the point I’ll be working on, I can see how absolutely relevant it is for me to dig into it, investigate it, fully open it to see it for what it is and disengage the energetic relationship I have linked to it, so that I no longer go participating in these seemingly ‘meaningless’ moments that are actually letting me know I still have several energetic connections to aspects of myself, my past that I have to fully correct within myself, by principle and awareness of who I decide to be and create as myself currently.

– Here’s then another reminder for me to not see dreams as ‘just dreams’ because they have proven to me many times that they can reveal very key and on the spot aspects for me to face where I actually know I am aware of having to apply myself, but when I deliberately don’t do so because of ‘minimizing’ an experience, it simply means I am deciding to continue my self-dishonesty, and that’s of course an indication of points I require to work with in my reality as soon as possible.

– Therefore I can use the ‘minimizing’ experience as a flag-word, an alert of making myself aware that I have to now make a decision to actually take the point as equally relevant as any other and to not procrastinate on them, but to be diligent in opening it up, not giving way into ‘fears’ about discovering myself, or giving way to ‘fears of letting go’ of something that is not even substantial, that is not of life– and so make a clear decision to not deceive myself in the face of those moments where I am clearly having to rev up my self-honesty, which means I know when I am deliberately not wanting to see something = I have to stop lying to myself that it is not important and make all things equally relevant and important to look at.

Here then realizing that the act of ‘minimizing’ something is already looking at it through ourselves as the mind, as the mind that doesn’t want to debunk itself. So the suggestions are to move oneself to deliberately see it for what it is, to not play ‘dumb’ so to speak in relation to it, to not wait for consequences to grow and show us how ‘big’ in fact of a point it is.

And it also was shared how these seemingly ‘minimal’ points can be in fact the tip of an iceberg that we haven’t faced/opened up within ourselves. These points that we create a relationship of resistance to, indicate at the same time a potential to liberate aspects of ourselves that we’ve trapped in secrecy, in denial, in shame, in regret, in guilt, in a relationship of desire and fear… any relationship of energy that we hold toward something will eventually ‘catch up with us’ to the point where it becomes inevitable to not see it, face it, deal with it and walk it through to a point of correction and so, get to a point of no return with it into self-honesty.

Also very relevant to remind myself what does it say about myself when I deliberately decide to make something seemingly insignificant to not look at it? It’s no different to wanting to run away from self-responsibility, no different to taking a quick fix, no different to preferring to remain limited in the mind to not really live – I do it to myself! Therefore I have to make a clear decision to stand clear in all aspects of myself, in actual self-honesty and not miss any bit of me that I become aware of to process from consciousness into awareness and self-honesty.

 

Thanks for reading

 

 Minimizing Self Dishonesty

 

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