Category Archives: depression

638. A Redefined Spirituality

 

 The following is inspired by the writings of a life  colleague –  as I am now deciding to define him – who shared a lengthy letter to me as a response to something that I wrote him in an intent to assist in seeing the blueprint of the points that I consider were veiling him from seeing through the steps to get back into an ownership of his self creation and self awareness,  which he has walked in his very own set of paths of ways – but interestingly enough, we have found each other having the same intent and purpose in our lives which we will be joining in an common project where we can share more of our personal experiences and processes with many more that might find themselves in the same kind of ‘holes’ in our creative processes that we have both acknowledged having been limited by in our creative paths of inner and outer creations.  

To give some context to this self forgiveness, this is a reflection of what I see of myself in his words and speaks to anyone that can identify themselves with being ‘a seeker’ or someone that seeks meaning to one’s own existence, to one’s own creation in many ways and paths and if not getting to live their potential, it becomes a source of emotional and detrimental experiences such as falling generally ‘ill’ in the form of lacking direction and purpose, being stagnant in expression, losing sight of the ‘bigger picture’ in life, being veiled by emotions such as dread, depression, sadness, despair and in a way blaming everyone else that doesn’t seem to care for life and the world as oneself as the source for our own apathy and frustration, not realizing we are ‘it’ ourselves too in living out that character of disempowerment and helplessness and victimization.

 To sum up, it reminded me a lot of the path that I’ve also walked and that it’s still part of me and I have not forgotten it, I just have in a way stepped out of the cocoon and see things quite differently now, but it is as if I am embarking myself in this new project and walking with him in this project in this phase of my life because our will was mightier than the limitations that we many times fell into, and I’m genuinely glad and happy to see him slowly but surely realizing these things and taking on his creative path again, which I recognize that I have to do myself in my own self imposed limitations as well, and it’s great to have someone to walk such path with, someone that understands the seemingly ‘similar’ kind of patterns that some of us ‘creative’ people go through, but many often give up half way and get lost in the midst of ‘the fog’ and don’t persevere enough to see through the illusions to remain ‘with the finger in line’ as he says, living one’s expression and will, despite the nature of everything and everyone around us as it currently exists, but being courageous enough to understand things at a deeper level and hold that little flame alive within us no matter what, and let each other know ‘hey I am here, I understand, I walk with, let’s work together’ which is quite priceless and unique to find seemingly ‘out of nowhere’ and here is to say as well that coincidences don’t exist, only what we determine ourselves to be and do which eventually takes us to where we need to be to fulfill that which we set ourselves to live.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep quiet and wait for someone else to make the decisions of what I should be and do and within that, diminishing bit by bit my determination to express and take responsibility for the decisions that I make and what I live in my life, which I realize diminished my ability to live me and bit by bit dried the flow of the abundant river that I have always been aware exists as me, as the life that I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to neglect myself into experiences of despair and arguing for my limitations in neglect cultivating my own confidence and stance that has always been here as myself, it just got clouded by the emotions that became the comfortable way to justify not living the potential of who I really am as life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make of my mind my own obstacle that created shame, anger, despair, uncertainty and sadness which I realize is the way in which I now realize are the ingredients to create resistance,  which my mind creates in greed of energy and in allowing that, I stepped further and further away from actually getting to do what I know and have always been aware of is the truth of my being, what I can and need to direct myself to be, live and express.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a comfort zone in remaining skeptical and not want to intervene in my own life in order to not have to take responsibility for myself, not realizing that this seemingly ‘comfortable zone’ led me to sink deeper in a hole where I alienated myself from my own wholeness, from my own power as the capacity to direct myself, to intervene in my own life, to decide to change if something wasn’t working anymore, to innovate in the way that I can decide to live me and within that acknowledging the work, dedication, consistency and will that it will require to create and live myself as the best that I can be. That’s what self-creation is all about.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be-lie-ve the statement ‘nothing really matters’ as a way to avoid myself in taking action in all the things that I knew I had to take action on in my life to be and become the better version of myself.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to have been in great thirst of knowledge and information in an attempt to find a way to change the way that I am and how I see and understand life, not realizing how I only inflated my mind with it, but I wasn’t really learning and applying how to really nurture my soul and being in the daily actions, words and habits that I realize I have to take action on in order to live the best of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately over complicate myself with theories, ideas, beliefs and philosophies which I realize may assist in our paths, but can also create new excuses where we miss out the common sense that always exists within ourselves, we just have to decide to let go of wanting to ‘seek out there’ and instead start getting to ‘what’s inside of me’ and write myself to see who I really am, what I really want to do, defining my purpose, defining my drive and take the first steps to do so in my reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I know many things but not really getting to understand the steps, the process it takes to interiorize, to integrate, to live the awareness of the things I realized in my life. I realize it takes actual change, work and effort to live the words that I get through realizations.

I forgive myself that I had not accepted and allowed myself to realize how ‘realizing’ and understanding something invariably leads to the next step which is to take action on it, to not only be infatuated in an enlightening idea or momentary experience, but to embrace and direct that impetus to create the actual change in space and time and take the necessary steps to do so in order to honor the path that took me to get to realize, see and understand what I now see, realize and understand.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allow myself to define me and allow myself to be dictated by the construct and concept of time, by the illusion of having to remain ‘current’ according to that abstraction which time is – which we have created in means to control ourselves. I realize we create time, we decide how we live time in this reality, but I no longer allow myself to be dictated by it and what I should feel or experience according to the idea I have around it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to isolate myself in a bottle of complexities where I believed no one else cared, no one would understand or listen and in that, miss out the many opportunities to connect , share and get to know others, because of becoming my own living judgment of seeing everything as ‘lost and pointless’ and not seeing that in doing so, I wasn’t getting anywhere else but became more detached from myself, from my own reality and from getting to understand ‘the other’ as myself too.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become lazy and apathetic to continue discovering the wonders of who we are and can be and become, and instead to become sad at the apathy I saw in others, not realizing that in doing so, I became equal to what I was only seeing in them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become the epitome of hope in despair, where I gave myself up in the wait for something or someone else to show me the way, to tell me what to do and not take responsibility to be my own director, my own guide, my own master that is self-created – not following, not taught, but simply learning from others’ experiences and making them my own by testing them out to see if they work or not.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the idea of lack as an excuse and as a determining factor of my being where I placed myself into a survival mode  that turned me into a selfish and ruthless being, becoming fearful, anxious and angry at myself for knowing that this ‘lack’ is entirely self created and that no one else is doing this to myself, but me.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not give me the gift of Understanding another, because I realize that I can’t hate another if I understand how we all have created this in separation of who we really are as life. I now realize that Understanding is one of the most profound and liberating gifts we can give to ourselves.

I forgive myself as everyone else in our weaknesses and fractured beingness because as big as the weaknesses and fractures are, these cannot override the virtues that we actually are and can develop as the new nature of our being. This is self-creation, it is not born from perfection, but from the decision to overcome the complexities, the falls, the mistakes, the wrongdoings, the self-neglect.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to neglect the dedication it requires to get to understand how we function in our minds and our being, because that in itself reveals our truth and as such, it becomes the most useful thing to do and dedicate our lives to cultivate.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not continue cultivating my own understanding to direct and create my own healing process and within that, cultivate my own self-awareness,  to no longer be defined and limited by survival in this world as a justification to not live the wholeness of myself in  my day to day and in every moment of breath.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to redefine spirituality as a sincere and grounded way to define and create my own being, to create the habits and methods to continue developing my self-awareness in every moment of my existence, to be in contact with my being, my body and to create an awareness of the effect that my thoughts, words and deeds create in my reality. I realize I can do this without the need of crystalized dogmas and instead can be lived by a simple and consistent dedication in developing these supportive habits of being in contact with myself and taking full ownership of my capacity to define, reinvent, innovate and reconstruct myself, because no one else can do this for me, but myself.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to live determination and do the hard work that it takes to live this process of creating my own life and self awareness, because I realize it requires courage and determination and I believed myself to be devoid of these. Now I realize we all have what is needed, that we all can live these words and that’s the living faith in which I decide to live in, to be the driving force of my capacity, will and determination to do that which I know and realize are the building blocks to the creation of who I really want to be as the expression of the wholeness that I go creating and expressing in my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having been ashamed in being the one that is not following the same path as everyone else, but instead decided  to swim against the flow, going into the opposite direction while everyone seemed to not care or see where they are being led to.  Now I realize, see and understand that this very will, determination and decision to keep going ‘against all odds’ got me to where I am today, where I now open my eyes to see that there is no shame at all in living my own truth even if no one seemed to care or understand, because it’s not about others but about my own decision to live me, to express that care, that love which is sufficient to live the truth of who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up many times in the many creative ways that I pursued at some point in my life, not realizing that I can work things, that I can implement changes and innovate in my life to keep that living flame alive even if it only seems to lighten up my own face. I realize that this is what living me and expressing me means, to do it because of myself and for nothing and no one else other than the expression of the potential that is unleashed when one decides to live unconditionally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret the perceived’ wasted time’ when I neglected the essentially creative capacity that I am and that I have. I now realize that such ‘wasted time’ was part of the process and the many roads that have led me to be and become who I am here, that I can start where I am – in every moment, in every new breath – and to realize that in any moment, I can only be the one that drives me or becomes my own worst-enemy and limitation to do this as an expression of myself.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that frustration is a symptom of the incomprehension of my own self movement, and that stagnation is no more than the nature of all sickness that manifests when I don’t allow myself to flow and be the water that flows, that reclaims its natural will to express, to flow, to be, to adapt, to move and embody the realization that its movement never ceases, because I’m not defined by a measure of time – I embrace the creation of the potential that I decide to live and cultivate as the everlasting self that always remains here, just like the water in the world.

I forgive myself for living out my weaknesses and for allowing them to affect others in their own lives. I now decide to work on the changes, the habits, the actions that will turn them into actual strengths.

I realize that I can only get through in my life if I place my own faith back on myself as the recognition of my capacity to change my reality and the outcome of my life through the work that I can dedicate myself to do every day in order to honor the wholeness of my being, to no longer be trapped in the experience of lack and all its unfulfilled concepts that I had allowed myself to believe and be enslaved by.

I now take ownership of my own discipline and self-creation moved by the love that I realize I can express in my work and the enjoyment that I imprint on it and on myself in doing so.  I commit myself to become the author and creator of all of this that celebrates the manifestation of what and who I realize I really am at a fundamental and existential level as life itself.

I understand and realize that time is only a measure of earthly oxidation, however even if I deteriorate, it does not define my stance and who I am as I keep my finger at it, becoming and living the drive that has got me to where I am here today, because no matter what: I remain current.

I decide to trust myself in my decisions, my actions, the paths that I decide to walk, embrace the ups and downs it may entail because I decide to trust myself in being able to learn from it and expand my expression through that, because I realize that that’s what living life is all about.

 

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Join in if you want to start walking your own process of defining your Self-Honesty

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637. #EqafeDiscovery: Defined by Relationships and Redefining Self in Relationships

 

 I recommend checking out these audios on Eqafe.com Using Relationships to Hide From Myself – Life Review and Time Alone Before Time Together – Life Review which are about a subject that usually becomes a focal point of attention or even conflict in our lives, which is certainly something I can relate to and unfortunately, still get to see how it defines our lives in so many ways when we don’t look at it in self honesty – this is about… Relationships!

I’ve written this out before how this was a ‘weakness’ in my life and consider that I’m now at a stage where I am getting to see with more clarity what is it that I ‘missed’ to live within me that led me to constantly have relationships as a ‘point of focus’ and usually having the idea or thought of ‘having to be in a relationship’ as a constant thought running in my mind. I had not noticed to what extent I essentially defined myself entirely by being with a certain person in a relationship or being ‘lacking a relationship’ and this is basically what I got reminded of when re-listening to these audios that, lol, I was essentially going to translate to Spanish only to find out that … They had already been published some years ago J Instead of seeing the work done as a ‘waste of time’- because they became useless to publish –  I decided to use the ‘refreshed realizations’ to write out this blog.

I can relate to the woman that comes through in the audio to share her life story and situation. I was the kind of person in my younger years that even before ever having any form of relationship, I would already be kind of preparing the ground on how ‘I would like it to be in a relationship’ and kind of already creating a mindset of only being able to only be ‘fulfilled’ and ‘happy’ if being in a relationship that I could define as ‘life saving’ yep! A very askew starting point but, I am now ok with that because I basically didn’t know any better at the time and I’ve walked the self forgiveness on all those ‘lacks’ that I lived at the time, which surely led me to feel depressed and feeling utterly miserable.  And yes, that was the starting point when I entered  my first relationships and the series of situations where I was looking for ‘appreciation, ‘love’, ‘care’ and ‘worth’ from other people that I would say in retrospect mirrored back my own lack of self-love a, self worth, self care, self appreciation and self-recognition. I then would decide to ‘be’ all of those things ‘for them…’ and yes as it should, none of those ended ‘well’ I would say, which is for the best of both parties of course.

Here I’m realizing that it’s not even about ‘other people,’ but more what I accepted and allowed to exist within me as the idea or concept of ‘relationships’ and ‘being in a relationship’ or ‘being without a relationship’ that I used as the starting point to create relationships… and so I got to see what I had to see in each one of them and break apart, because of having the flawed starting point – and it’s not like they would have ‘stood the test of time’ anyways because of how much I evolved throughout the years – thanks to myself for deciding to walk the Desteni process of course, which is how I’ve gotten myself to be where I am now – it’s not a smooth ride, lol, not at all in the relationship arena but definitely seeing the value of all my decisions and points walked as part of what makes me ‘me’ today – and sure it’s not ‘done’ and there’s plenty of more things to solidify within me – but that’s cool too 🙂

What the lady shares in the Eqafe recording is definitely worth listening to because I’m sure that each person can identify with different aspects of her experience. I can relate to the point of going from one relationship into another – with little time in between – which is Not a suggested move to say the least because one is most likely not in a clear mindset and one is not giving proper time to digest the one that has just ended off and re-settle within oneself to then make sound decisions in what one wants to do from then on.  And I also can relate to the ‘time off’ from relationships which I did also take a few years ago and have shared about before, it lasted some 4 or 5 years and that’s when I kind of faced myself full on and finally built that self-relationship to the point where I got to enjoy being on my own, doing things for me and getting to face this ‘addictive need’ to the idea of having to have a relationship.

If you ask me, the immediate thought or idea that comes to mind is  that such phase of my life seems like ‘hideous’ in my mind. Many times I felt very alone and it was definitely like withdrawing from an addiction to be honest, to kind of face that actual ‘void’ where one feels kind of dead – lol – I didn’t realize it was then me being at the prime of being able to now move, decide to do and express and live and be that which I would direct myself to be and do, which I eventually started realizing and practicing, but man, the conditioning was extensive based on how I would always be ‘expecting’ someone to ‘move me’ to ‘invite me’ to ask me to ‘go out and do stuff’ – and that’s where I started deciding to do it for myself. I guess it felt like when someone has had a cast on their leg and always needs a cane to walk and suddenly you no longer have it and you can simply decide to move and do things and go to places without it, it was that ‘odd’ I guess.

It was also a very fruitful time when it comes to my education, taking the time that I needed to learn, investigate, write myself out, get to know me in various aspects and even more so, seeing who am I without having a ‘someone’ in my life in the sense of a relationship. Was it hard? Yes, but I see it was totally necessary to get to ground myself more… but it didn’t last that much. The next relationship  I created was because I went back to allowing experiences of feeling quite alone and detached from various people I defined as a point of support, communication and interaction in my life, I wasn’t ‘whole’ within me to say the least. Nonetheless I’m thankful as well to that person that decided to agree on such relationship, but I realize that the ‘neediness’ then defined the outcome of it, ultimately realizing that it wasn’t a well thought decision, which I have shared about in various blogs before as well. 

Then even if believing that I was more grounded and considerate, stepping into another relationship right after that was definitely not a wise move either. It was stemming from a desire to ‘move away’ from what I had been through and evading looking to look at, which I eventually did but I had already placed my foot in another relationship.  It seemed ‘easier’ to write out and deconstruct what had happened in the previous relationship while already knowing  that there was ‘someone else’ already on my path as a potential relationship, so that became another comfort zone and didn’t really give myself that time –again – to think things properly, which then led to kind of repeat the same story up to a new point where I decided ‘Now that’s the kind of person  I really want in my life’ and creating a new relationship.

There is shame involved in admitting my jumping from one relationship onto another, but I have learned to see it as the pattern that it represents in relation to me and this kind of ‘rushing’ through things, and not giving myself the time to slow down and think things well… sometimes being impulsive – or most of the times I would say – so this is also something I’m learning in creating a balancing point between expressing and ‘going for something’ and having the rest of the considerations in place, like considering the other people involved and not just ‘seeing how things go’ … there’s a balancing point there which I am becoming more aware of.

It is through being ‘ashamed’ of something that we can profoundly get to see what we ‘missed’ of ourselves, what we put ourselves and others through when doing things in a rather inconsiderate manner, but it’s not supportive at all to remain in such shame and prevent ourselves from sharing back what we learn through our mistakes that, I have decided to see as ways in which I certainly didn’t slow myself down, I rushed through things, I got myself in dishonest situations because of ultimately fearing that I would end up in another relationship that I would not be ‘happy’ with. In essence, I wasn’t honest with myself and as a consequence I wasn’t honest towards others.

This is one of the points that I come to see as well, how I tended to totally create a condition of ‘the relationship’ being a point of ‘happiness’ for me, which is impossible to expect. No one and no-thing can ever be ‘that’ for ourselves, we have to learn how to be it, live it, express it for and as ourselves. Sure relationships can be a point of support and platforms to develop that, but even if one is In a relationship, it doesn’t mean that one is actually self-fulfilled, living self-love, living self-care and self-enjoyment and self-communication… living a genuine relationship with ourselves.

So, this is what I’ve noticed is something that still drives many to look for relationships, or even more so to believe that ‘they have to have’ a relationship, or that they are miserable without a relationship, or that a relationship will give them acceptance, love, appreciation, security and the rest of expressions that we don’t realize we have to always ultimately be for ourselves and give to ourselves first. Otherwise, the usual kind of ‘compromising relationships’ are formed where we become dependent on others to ‘be that expression’ for us, to be that point of acceptance for us, to be that source of appreciation for us…. And that is definitely Not SELF-expression, but egos massaging each other into an illusion of ‘completion.’

So that’s the trap that we might fall into from time to time ‘fall’ because it is not us standing and joining someone in their lives with a whole stance and recognition of who we really are…. The worst starting point of starting a relationship is because one feels like one ‘needs’ a relationship or feels ‘unfulfilled’ or ‘unhappy’ and believes that someone else in your life should ‘fill that void’ or ‘be your happy place.’ Lol

Why do relationships become a ‘focal point’ in our lives? Because of that broadly accepted and allowed belief of having to have someone in your life that can complete you, satisfy you, accept you, tell you how relevant or important you are, how much they ‘need you’ and all of those things… and we don’t realize the obvious, which is how this is a basic form of enslavement that we create towards each other, because it’s two individuals believing themselves to be ‘unfulfilled’ that then get together to create the illusion of ‘completion’ and then if the other for one or another reason doesn’t satisfy the other, then all hell breaks loose because we have deposited the entirety of ‘who we are’ on another’s hands… something is really wrong with this picture… but it is actually one of the most ingrained beliefs and ideas that are ‘socially accepted’ as  ‘how things are.’ But! As always, such beliefs need to be dissected and challenged.

Here I am not speaking from a starting point of saying ‘relationships are bad’ in themselves, no. It is not about that. It’s about looking at our starting point to be in one, to look at ‘who we are’ within it and consequently who the other person is and to decide where do we want to stand in that agreement to be together and what the purpose of it is. It may sound a bit too utilitarian in nature, but it does assist to dispel some of the usual veils created through feelings around the idea or notion of love or simply ‘liking someone’ or seeing certain expression in them that we ‘like’ or ‘feel attracted to’ but haven’t actually first investigated why we are ‘attracted’ to them but are not living those aspects or words in our own lives then?

What I have done when getting this kind of ‘attraction’ situation is actually looking at (writing out) what are the aspects/words that the person is living that I actually like and where and how I can live that as myself?  From doing so then the whole idea of attraction might simply dispel as I got to see in my case when I did this with great detail in some blogs I shared before too. It all ends and begins in ‘what do I live, what do I express, what can I learn to expand myself on, what can I live with, what do I want to experience and create of myself?’ And so the focus is not on the ‘other’ person.

When to know that one is not doing and living this for oneself but instead is once again ‘falling’ into the depositing of our entire being and expression onto someone else in a relationship? When we believe that any ‘low’ experience as in feeling unsatisfied, depressed, lonely, unappreciated or lacking some kind of will to do things IS because ‘of the other person.’ Hmmm! That sounds very questionable isn’t it? Why would someone else have to ‘be that’ for ourselves? Why would we entrust the totality of our capacity and decision to be who we want to be and what we want to create in someone else’s hands? 

Well, it takes a moment of self-assessment to simply see that any form of dissatisfaction because of having or not having a relationship and not meeting certain expectations in having or not having it, is in fact a distraction, a point of blame that we use to in a way deceive ourselves to not see the obvious self-honesty assessment that is actually needed to be looked at: What am I not Being and Living for Myself? What am I not doing to be the creator of my own wellbeing? What am I not giving and doing for myself, to be and create who I want to be and create? Why am I determining the totality of my being to the potential of this ‘someone’ that ‘eventually’ comes into my life to ‘rescue’ me? Lol, it sounds like the Disney movies but! that was my mentality when I was a teenager and I’m glad I’ve moved from that but I can still see the various experiences that may come up when delegating all of these things that I have to be and live for myself first of all on the hands of my partner for example.

What breaks the spell of this? Self-honesty really, nothing else, reminding myself that no one and no thing outside of me can be my point of satisfaction and fulfillment, because every time that I do that, I lose myself, I ‘fall’ from the wholeness of who I am and cut a chunk out of me until I can grow it back within the awareness of ‘what am I not living and being for myself that I believe I require someone else has to give me?’ So that’s more like the correction and self-direction point, whenever I create a ‘falling’ in my experience, any ‘low’ I have to see where and how I am not expressing me, where am I not doing what I see I can do, learn, be , develop and express that I know will satisfy me and expand my own horizons of who I want to be and create of myself? And then things open up to step into J

In this case, I can see it’s not about ‘relationships’ as such, it’s all about our self-relationship. It is as simple as seeing that if one doesn’t have a well established self-relationship, then the relationships we accept and allow  will contain some beliefs of lacking, needing, wanting, feeling alone and unfulfilled. It is also so that even in relationships we remain alone and it’s interesting because it’s one of the most ‘feared’ experiences at the same time in most human beings, instead of realizing that: we are always alone! Even if surrounded with people, there’s no ‘two’ in one single mind and body, lol. Fascinating to see how much of the, let’s call it ‘consciousness gibberish’ around love and relationships becomes our way of seeing and defining ourselves and so defining how we live and what we live.

This has been a word that I’ve been looking at recently, what I allow myself to ‘be defined by’. This also extends to for example the definition of what I believe I should be ‘living’ or ‘doing’ based on the age I have, the idea that I must have a ‘better definition’ of myself in a certain role or profession or a ‘doing’ that gives me some kind of worth and value. This is not to diminish the definitions that are still very much alive and relevant in the world, but it is about being able to have certain definitions to be able to function in the world, but to not make myself believe that ‘that is all that I am’ and ‘that’s all I can ever be’ or believe myself to only be this one tag, this one label, this one definition…. I would say it’s the other way around in how based on all the definitions that people are living out and how much separation it creates, it has led me to want to live out more of an expansive self where I don’t ‘cage’ myself in conventional ways of having to ‘be.’  And that is liberating, but this mostly opens up as I go facing any form of inner conflict, and ultimately realizing that any form of ‘conflict’ I may create is allowing me to see something that I am still creating a finite definition of, something I believe I must ‘fit into’ or that I ‘should be’ and so forth.

There is an aspect of control that emerges when wanting to fit into a certain idea or belief of what we want to be living or experiencing, and if we don’t get that, it leads to the ‘disappointment’ on things, but ultimately… where does that idea come from? Is it something we are ‘falling’ into believing we ‘must’ have or do or accomplish based on what others live or what society dictates? Or is it something that I am genuinely deciding to live and do and experience for myself because I see the benefit of it?

I’ve noticed a bunch of these things determined by what I get to hear and see from others, but ultimately going into comparison leads nowhere, because no other person is in my same body and being and having the exact same ‘me-ness’ that could perhaps consider doing exactly what the other ‘me’ is doing, lol. It might be sounding extreme, but it is that silly to live in comparison, because even if we are ‘the same’ in our basic functionality, we are unique in how we live such functionality and our context and our live and beingness and body and the rest of the things that are unique to each one of us, which is the amazing part of also getting to know oneself and so getting to know and live with other individuals.

Where am I going with this? To realize that many times we create this idea of relationship as something that ‘must be had’, that ‘must be attained’, that is seen as a ‘lack’ if you are not in one… but the ultimate REAL question I would ask and I would definitely kind of exhort myself and anyone else to look at is: Am I in a healthy relationship with myself? Am I creating my own wellbeing, satisfaction, developing my expression and doing what I see is needed to live my potential? Am I settled in my self-commitment to live with me for a lifetime in this world and beyond? That’s the kind of questions to actually ask, because by default, whatever we decide to live and create from that starting point, will be an extension and reflection of that self-creation and the fulfillment that doing all of those things creates.

 So, I would rather say, dare to be that best for yourself first, dare to give to you what you have believed ‘others’ had to give to you or be for you… that’s limitation, that’s enslavement, that’s codependency and that’s ultimately self-diminishment and nope, I consider we must now go beyond that as human beings.

If we apply this principle more and more, there will be no more ‘traps’ formed in relationships, because we will know where we stand, what we want to create, what we accept and allow and as such, we will acknowledge full responsibility of who we decide to be and who we decide to share our lives with… there will be no more blaming, cheating, lying, manipulating, blackmailing, spiting and many other ‘worst of us’ aspects that emerge through relationships at the moment.

This is how from another perspective, all of the above is also part of our process to discover that ‘worst’ and so the best potential of ourselves through relationships – here careful to not say ‘Ah! That’s why I am Not in a relationship! Because all of that sucks!’ because one things I’ve found is that there is no other way I could be realizing this if it wasn’t for the various relationships I’ve been in – with their ups and downs-  they’ve been very supportive to see myself better and I hope that the same goes for the others involved in them too.

So, it’s about walking relationships just like anything else in this world where we learn to define our stance, how we want to live and what we want to express but always taking the point back to self to be THE starting point of it all within us… might be catalyzed, supported or influenced by those people that we create relationships with, but that’s as far as it can go, it cannot ever be the driving force or reason or motivation for it… we always have to be ‘it’ for ourselves, and whenever it is not, the relationship just falls once again to show us where and how we weren’t standing in the wholeness of ourselves to be able to stand in integrity, self-respect and self-responsibility side by side with others.  And so we learn! And make the necessary changes from that.

Ok that’s what I wanted to share, to essentially let go of the idea of ‘having to be with someone’ if that comes up… best to simply look at where and how I have not fully gotten to get to know me, get to enjoy me, get to go alone and do the things that I know I want to develop and learn about or experience… lol so many times we kind of almost ‘wait’ for doing all of those things ‘with someone’ and! It will be quite rare that any other person will be entirely ‘up for it’ and be at that level with you. This is also a relevant consideration so that we don’t hold others captive to the idea/definition of what we ‘expect’ others to be in our lives… no one is going to ever be that, nor should they be it.

Part of the expansive aspects of being in a relationship with someone is precisely getting to embrace them in their uniqueness, in their expression, with all their ways of being…. If that simply becomes something that you don’t want to live with and experience… there’s no need to ‘keep at it’ for any reason, that would be enslaving and limiting for both. At the same time it is to be aware that there will e challenges where our ego points are being pushed, where our illusions are shattered and when being with another becomes an opportunity to step outside of the definitions of what I ‘believed’ a relationship should be…. lol there is no ‘should’ or ideals that can ever fit a unique situation and expression that takes place between two individuals in a particular space and time…. And this is where letting go of definitions also comes in and more realizing it takes a willingness to expand and from there assess what one wants to live and be with. All about self!

Thanks for reading

 

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Self-Honesty

 

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586. Standing One’s Ground through Tough Times

Or discussing the latest Eqafe interview The Moment of Change (Part 1) – Back to Basics and how I can relate to what is shared in it.

 

In this recording Moment of Change (Part 1) – Back to Basics I specifically can relate to the point of Joe consciously deciding to walk through a certain ‘low’ or a ‘rough time’ in his life while remaining grounded in his core as he described it, even though yes, he was going through these experiences that he was aware did not represent ‘the normalcy of how he is’ but were in fact a state of depression or a low, a wanting to give up, a feeling sad, etc. while also being aware of how he would eventually have to step out of it or ‘snap out of it’ or ‘drop it’, which is what he describes in the audio in detail in terms of how he did it and I very much recommend checking it out.

I can relate to having gone through a very similar experience in my life in the past months this year after a relationship breakup where it became obvious that I had to go through a process of self-forgiving, letting go, understanding it, clearing myself up from the situation in order to keep going on with my life. Yet even though it seemed almost like a ‘nightmare’ at the time with what I had to suddenly wake-up to and change in my life, I also consider I had this ‘core’ within myself that I could trust myself with and ‘fall back on’ no matter ‘what’ I had to walk through like parting ways, going through that separation process, letting everyone know about it, getting adjusted to being alone again etc., which is definitely a gift that one creates for oneself within walking the Desteni I Process in – as I like to say it – ‘arming’ ourselves with living tools to face whatever comes our way, whatever we actually create in our lives and so learn from the consequences and situations, the experiences that might be indeed sour times, rough times, low times – yet, no matter how ‘low’ one seems to go, one knows that the only way forward is keep pushing through and back again onto the surface after ‘touching rock bottom’ in a way.

I also through that month after the breakup, made sure that even though I felt like wanting to ‘disconnect’ from everything and everyone for a moment to immerse myself in my ‘painful’ experience, I instead decided to keep in line with my responsibilities and consistency points that I’ve committed myself to do, which in retrospective was actually very, very supportive for me to keep in line with, because that discipline and continuity in my relationship of responsibility and duties towards others and in my world kept me afloat so to speak, even if I knew that yes I wasn’t in my 100% self and had some really ‘low’ moments that I also tended to judge myself for, like ‘why is this still coming up in me?’ after having done lots of writing about it and applying self-forgiveness, until I realized that I simply had to allow myself to walk through the experience, to let it all out and not judge myself for it, which is something that is also shared in a similar way in the audio, where we have to at times go through the experience, get to know ourselves in it while always knowing that we know who we really are and what our stable consistent self is, and so not judge ourselves for having a ‘rough time’ at times.

So in a way how I decided to not make of my personal process something that would affect my relationship to others, though this also came a bit through noticing the consequences of doing so. In a moment when I did catch myself kind of lashing out towards those nearest to me at the time, I saw how there was some anger point coming through that I needed to sort out within myself, because that’s definitely something that at least I’ve seen how I’ve tended to do where we let it all out towards those that are closest to us, that ‘know us the most’ and in that moment I was able to notice it and recognize it, be humble about it and rather explain to the person how yes, I was going through this rough time and I apologized for my reaction towards them. Point was sorted, and then went on to open up how this ‘process works!’ in a blog entitled that way as well.

In my case, this process lasted around a month after the breakup, of going through the missing and letting go and the sadness that comes with realizing that something didn’t work out as planned, and also having to walk through with letting go of ‘what others would say’ about it, or believing I had to overcome this ‘faster’ or anything like that. I’d say it was the other way around wherein in the past, I would experience breakups as a much more difficult thing to go through in my life and I would spend months and yep sometimes years walking through it, but this time with dedication, determination, consistency and also allowing myself to ‘go through the experience’ in a conscious decision, as it was also explained in this supportive audio linked above, I managed to step out of it along with the support of others walking this process as well which is also why being part of the Desteni community is awesome in the whole extent of the word, as in supportive, understanding and sometimes yes, standing as a very much needed reminder of where one’s self-honesty is at.

I still check myself till these days after a few months now to see where am I in relation to this phase of my life and still clear up anything that might slightly or subtly come up, as with anything that we walk, but I’m quite satisfied in how I walked it through which I actually shared in past blogs during  the past months as well.

Ok so, that’s my story, check out Joe’s story as well as an example of what it means to walk this process and find your feet back on the ground after a period of kind of ‘losing ourselves,’ yet knowing that we are ‘in it’ and also trusting ourselves that we know our way back until one moment we decide to simply ‘snap out of it’ and finally let it go in a self-forgiving and learning way.

Thanks for reading!

 

Check out both parts of the same discussion now available:

The Moment of Change (Part 1) – Back to Basics

The Moment of Change (Part 2) – Back to Basics

 

 

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438. Louder Than Bombs

How to not give up upon ‘losing the passion to live’

 

Louder than bombs Psychological Review

 

I watched a movie called Louder than Bombs (2015) and without getting too much into the plot, the character of the mother/woman that was a war photojournalist was the one that caught my attention because of how she dealt with her personal life and her job, being in the war zone and dealing with the impact that had in her.

 

The character is complex in terms of how she presents her work to others and how it seems she lived it ‘within’, but there was a point that really ‘struck a chord’ within me considering that she had this very diligent commitment to her work with having to go to all of these war zones to take photographs so that they could eventually be center pieces to stories/journalism about such situations, which I had considered at some point doing as well because of also considering that: this helps to open people’s eyes and change the world.  I didn’t end up doing it, but I am profoundly grateful for all those documentary film makers and photojournalists that enable us to see what we would hardly ever get to see firsthand in this world. At least to me, being informed about ‘what goes on in this world’ has benefitted me in expanding my ‘world view’ from only focusing on my life and personal desires to learning to care about others in this same planet as myself.

So in the movie there was one moment where she’s at the airport with her husband, waiting for her next flight and one of her photos shows up in a New York Times’ article to expose the refugee camps in Afghanistan – or something around that – to which the husband tells her  – paraphrasing -‘Hey, this is a great job!’ and she smiles or maybe sees it as ‘mission accomplished’ or as part of her work and who she is, but on the table across she sees a man that looked sort of the ‘business type’ that is also holding an issue of the NYT and when he gets to the page where her photo and report are, he passes on to the next page without even hesitating to read at least a bit into it – or watch the picture closely if anything – and in that moment that she was overlooking at this situation, one could see her eyes suddenly becoming watery or I could imagine her heart going into a knot so to speak for realizing that maybe a lot more would do this, maybe this is how it is with all of her pictures and this kind of articles, showing or proving that: no one really cares. 

This is my entire reading I got from these few seconds that the moment in the movie lasted. Suffice to say that she plunges into a depression, about many things in her life and ends up killing herself.

After watching the movie, I commented to my partner how that moment resonated with me a lot whenever I go into this experience of ‘no one really cares about what we do’ or ‘no one even watches it/reads it, so what’s the point?’ and within that allowing myself to go into this ‘plunging’ point of seeing no point in it. Yet one thing I reminded myself in that moment and the solution I saw was that If she would have done her job as a principle for herself, because it mattered to her, regardless of how many see it or attend her exhibitions, this could have become a point that she gives ‘life’ to, instead of allowing herself to be continually be abased by the situations she encountered or by losing a meaning to it all. When I allow this to take over myself is mostly when being located in the position of the ‘result-demanding’ character so to speak, where I am looking at wanting to have an effect on others, to ‘change the world’ through what one can produce or place out there, while in fact forgetting it is not about ‘others only’ it’s about myself and the decision I’ve made to for example share some audio recordings with a personal perspective I’ve found more supportive when ‘finding my own two feet’ related to the atrocities of ‘world events’ we get to be aware of in the media.

I also saw the potential of myself at some point becoming like that character that plunges so deep into seeing no meaning in anything: her personal life, her work, while witnessing and being sucked into the events she took photographs for, that she ends up killing herself where ‘committing suicide’ is usually seen as a way to ‘end the suffering’ when in fact it is mostly a way to give up from redefining the life that we want to live and instead of seeing ‘no way out’ rather focusing on creating new ways to re-load our lives so to speak and continually be creative to stand in the same principles yet explore new ways in which one can express and live this change or importance that we see in making of this world a better one to the best of our ability, starting with How we live our lives.

Here for those that get to watch or have watched the movie, a practical way in which the photographer could have gotten herself back on track is by stopping her photojournalist trips as she had decided and promised she would, and then focus on getting support to establish better relationships and communication at home, to learn how to deal with her depression. Because, her depressed state eventually affected both of her sons, in turn affecting the kind of decisions that they made in their own lives based on having been affected by seeing their mother in a sad state when she was at home and seeing the problems that the parents had as a couple. Maybe by rekindling the relationship at home, her sons would have had more stable lives, taking the example of not plunging herself into a state of depression or anger or frustration, but rather focusing on getting oneself back on track and so being an example to others around us about it, much could have changed if this was a decision lived by the woman.

One aspect we tend to create is ‘caring too much about others’ and doing justice to others, or wanting to ‘protect’ something or someone out there, yet neglecting our personal lives within this. This is what happened to this character of the photographer in the movie, where she had problems with her husband, she was depressed and not talking about it or seeking solutions, getting to the point of being unfaithful in her marriage ending up just ‘losing it’ and crashing herself in the car. It was funny because in that moment of seeing this while in the movie, my partner timely said ‘remember it’s just a movie, they are just actors’ which was just what I needed to in that moment kind of ‘snap out of it’ and stopping indulging into this personal identification with the whole situation, essentially starting to ‘see myself in her’ and diving into that same ‘plunging’ experience. So definitely next time I’ll be more aware of this ‘getting lost’ into the emotional drive of the story and here to remind myself those words too and to continue watching yet still objectively, using the movie and stories as a point to reflect and introspect about myself  and others in this world as well.

Reflecting on the ‘doing something to depict/portray or reflect state of the world’ – what I’ve found and this we also discussed after the movie is that there is much of an informational saturation these days that surely it is unlikely that one gets the ‘reach’ that one would like currently with common sensical perspectives and essentially non-sensationalist points of view, because that’s what ‘sells’ in this world for now. Very few people have developed a sense of living ‘care’ or ‘consideration’ to be informed about the situations around the world, yet there are some that do, and the more that we continue to participate and contribute to this ‘new culture’ of being informed citizens yet at the same time, learning to take the points back to self as in recognizing and taking our responsibility for the points that we see we can change within ourselves, our minds and in the way that we live, the more we will expand this new awareness or new culture of life that stops feeding the usual ‘conflict-fueled’ mass media.

So this is a practical consideration, a realistic consideration to many of us that may at times hit the ‘black hole’ of seeing ‘no point’ in sharing ourselves or not seeing the ‘desired effect’ of what we do, however if we become that point and reason as to why we do it and remind ourselves of who we decide to be in doing so, we become that 1+ point of change that participates and expresses in our current conflictive culture. Never to underestimate what we do, where we stand or the ‘effect’ one can have in others, but mostly to realize that what truly matters is not the amount of data and information one can imprint on others, but rather sharing how one has changed Within oneself, in our day to day living to align to principles that one wants to see as the new way of living, the new ‘norm’ of how to interact and coexist in this world. Within this I mean that what we do becomes an extension of who we are in it, therefore not falling into the role of the photographer in the movie that upon seeing her photojournalism and work as ‘meaningless’ or not having the desired effect, she took that entirely upon as ‘her definition/ her life’ and instead of stopping doing it and trying out something else, she stopped her profession and shortly after, she stopped her own life with it.

 

As much as this is a reflection upon a character in a movie, it is also a personal reminder of whenever getting sucked into the ‘black hole’ of ‘what’s the point?’ and seeing ‘no point’ in sharing one’s work or creations, to remind myself to be that one point for myself, to stand As It as a point of principle as a declaration of who I am, regardless of who listens/watches it, because this is a form of contribution of a process of change and new perspectives that I am aware and certain can be supportive for others at any point in their lives, where they may go through the same or similar situations and simply extend the support that I have also benefitted from when learning from others facing this and ‘bigger’ points of seeing no point in this entire existence, yet even today still seeing them standing in their decision to see the point in life and giving themselves a purpose to stand as the solutions in this world.

We can never really be short of ways to overcome the problems, what we can be short of at times is the will to create, the commitment to stand as the potential of who we can live and be in this world. And this is also a personal reminder whenever tending to focus only on the mayhem, the death, the destruction, the wars, the violence, the lies, the deception, the suffering  and all that which we have yet to correct in our world, to not see it as this big black hole that sucks us all into oblivion, but to see it for what it is: a consequence that we have to understand in order to learn how to stand under the problem as a ‘fixed’ point, as part of the solution, from the root and cause of it, instead of allowing ourselves to be influenced by the consequences, the ‘tips of the icebergs’ we get in our daily news, and so decide to take the responsibility to understand how those problems ensued, what is it within ourselves that has contributed to the nature of the problem and rather spend the rest of our lives working with ourselves and assisting others in whichever ability we are able to, continuing sharing supportive expressions that consider the context, the people involved, their lives, the context of the world system and essentially learning to ‘trace back’ the problems out there back to ourselves, our human nature, who we have become within our minds and lives that has manifested as the world without and take responsibility for it. Easily said, but takes a continuous  re-commitment to live this, no matter what, so that we can eventually make of our reflections and practical solutions ‘louder than bombs.’

Thanks for reading

 

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